I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Long

- 5th May 2024

- 7th May 2024

- 9th May 2024

My (38F) Husband (39M) hid having lunch with a coworker (25F) and said my food was ‘tasteless’. What do I do?

I want this to be quick. I feel really weird about this and I’m on the verge of asking for a separation.

So, I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 11. Amazing relationship, small bumps of course but nothing like this.

I’ve always made lunch for my husband to take to work, and up until a little over a month ago that was fine. Middle of March he said that a new Turkish food stand opened up outside of his office and that he had been eating lunches there instead because they were good. Alright, no problem.

So he just completely stopped asking for lunches. I had maybe packed 5 during this time frame for him, but I’m not even sure he was eating them now.

So on Thursday I was at home working and I had a phone call from him, thought he was calling during his lunch but he had butt dialled me instead.

At first, I didn’t hear much, just him talking to someone, and I was about to hang up until I heard a woman’s voice as well. I wouldn’t say I’m a jealous person, but I was a little bit curious so I muted my call at work and listened.

It was just standard conversation at first, he was praising this woman’s cooking A LOT. Which of course made me realise that he was eating lunch this coworker made. I was a bit peeved but there’s an explanation sure.

Although that went out the fucking window when she said “is it better than your wife’s?” To which he replied “Oh yeah, without a doubt. I mean, it’s not tasteless for a start” followed by laughing.

First of all, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? 15 years of cooking and NOW he has a complaint? And not even to me but some coworker!!

Also, that absolutely isn’t innocent on her end right? I’m not crazy in thinking that’s so weird, why even bring me up?

Anyway, I raised hell, ended the call, sent him a message not to ‘worry about my tasteless cooking anymore’ and that he ‘can eat from the bin’ from now on.

Hes apologised, said that he loves my food and was just trying to seem cool in front of his coworker. I asked why he lied about where he was getting lunch from, and he said that initially he did get it from that stand, but the coworker started offering and he didn’t want to tell me because he thought that I would get jealous (yeah, can you blame me?)

So, I’ve been airing him since. I’m still pissed to be honest, I haven’t made him lunch or dinner, only for myself since he said that he dislikes it so much. He said today that he’s apologised and that I shouldn’t keep punishing him but I’m literally an inch from going to my mums. I have a suitcase with my clothes packed under our bed ready.

Dad thinks it was a stupid comment, but that I should work it out, mum is on my side regardless of my decision. I’m thinking about leaving for a few days at least, maybe a separation but I honestly just want some reassurance if that’s what’s best here?

Comments

BitterMistake9434

Now let's be real here, what are the odds the first time he talks about you negatively is the time he butt dials you. This has been going on since he stop having you make his lunches.

DowntownShop1

Yup. He's been talking shit for a long time.

OkieLady1952

What’s up with this woman wanting to be compared to OP. I think this woman has some side dessert in mind for OP husband. There was no need for her to bring this up! I’d be putting this coworker on notice also that you’re aware of her antics

Blue-eagle-23

Has he agreed to stop having lunch with her? Even if she is not hoping to get with him she is certainly not a supporter of your relationship.

OOP: He said that he’ll stop having lunch with her and apparently has done since that happened. (Although I have no way of proving this)

Update - 2 days later

I’m back. It’s not a great update but you all deserve one for all of the advice you gave me on my last post.

He confirmed that he developed a crush on her, it’s an emotional affair at least and that’s all I really need to hear. I sat him down and had a heart to heart with him.

Bottom line are these points.

• if I hadn’t of heard what he said, he most likely would have continued flirting with her, he admitted this himself.

• he liked the attention, she had bad mouthed me previously (I didn’t ask for examples) and he didn’t shut it down because he liked it.

• She has actively been persuing him for over 3 months now, he hadn’t put a stop to it until I caught him.

• The Saturday before last she offered to give him a blowjob during lunch together, he declined, but he told me that he let her feel his muscles over his clothes.

• The only reason he said all of this fucking shit was because I was all sweet and I said “I promise, tell me the full truth and we can move on, I’ll forgive you, I just want to know”

Right, fuck that. He is packing his bags. This is MY house, and it will be treated as such. I really don’t care anymore. If he’s seriously deluded himself into thinking this is going to last, he can crack on.

I’m genuinely so angry more than anything. I did everything for him. I make double what he does so I paid all the bills, while we used his money for fun stuff. When we met he had crippling CPTSD and body dysmorphia. I did fucking everything to help him get over it. I dealt with his night terrors every bloody night, despite it ruining my sleep. I reassured him constantly despite not getting it back. All of it without a bloody complaint. You love someone so much just for them to throw you away so easily.

He cried, had a panic attack that I had to calm him down from and is now taking his time packing. He keeps stopping to come into the living room to ask for a hug. I can’t even express how disgusted I feel, like I physically can’t even look at him anymore.

There was no need, if he was unhappy he should have told me, I don’t know why the hell he even felt the need to get some validation from this girl but sure, whatever.

He keeps saying he doesn’t know why he did it, but of course he knows, he’s just too much of a coward to tell me.

Well whatever, it’s done now. He’s leaving, his family is back in Germany so fuck knows who he’s staying with, probably her but I’m washing my hands of him.

Thank you for all of the advice you gave me on the last post, so many great ideas that I didn’t even end up needing to use because he just down right admitted it all to me.

Small update: 08/05/2024.

Had a phone consultation with a divorce attorney, I won’t know for sure until I meet with them in person next Friday but given the salary gap and the life we had I might have to pay alimony. Biggest bullshit I’ve ever heard.

Comments

Katatonic92

Doesn't know why he did it? Here's my guess based on the info you shared;

1. You saw him at his weakest & most vulnerable, you are clearly still his backbone judging from his current behaviour. He doesn't get to play the toxic image of manly man to you, in his mind, you are stronger than him. I guarantee he hasn't opened up to her about any vulnerabilities he has, it sounds like she has appealed to the toxic manly man ideal of making food & offering blowjobs to the big, strong muscular man. He gets to inflate his ego in a way he can't with you.

2. Not only have you emotionally supported him, you are also the main breadwinner, the provider. You cover the bills, the roof over your head, his contribution is the unnecessary fun stuff. This is yet another blow to the toxic manly man's fragile ego. He probably considers himself financially superior to her, his money could hold more "value" to her instead of it just being fun money you won't really miss.

3. He is older than her, gets to seem like the wiser, more worldly adult of the relationship. He will feel superior to her in every way he feels inferior to you.

4. He enjoyed the negative comments made about your food, not because they were necessarily true but because it meant you weren't perfect & someone else was validating it. Again, when you are insecure it is easier to find faults be derogatory towards a perceived threat to drag them down, instead of building themselves up.

Conclusion. Major insecurity, inflation of ego from someone he feels he holds superiority over. And as fucking usual, instead of recognising this bullshit, speaking to his wife who has done nothing but love & support him, go to see a therapist to work on his feelings, he goes down the easy road. Instead of doing the work to overcome his feelings of inadequacy, it was so much easier to gravitate to someone who not only let him ignore those feelings for a while, they also found a way to tear you down.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, it is truly pathetic when someone would sooner risk causing this terminal heartbreak, than suffer short term discomfort by communicating. It's pathetic.

OOP: That’s so unbelievably true I can’t even say anything.

Physically he’s pretty intimidating. He’s 6’6 and about 270 pounds, and he can be pretty scary to people who don’t know him. But he’s always been extremely sweet and kind, and that’s one of his biggest insecurities, looking like a man but not ‘feeling’ like one. Which has always been bullshit to me. But yeah, everything you said is literally him.

I can’t even thank you enough for writing this. Having it down fully on here is so incredibly validating.

0512052000

You should copy and paste that and send it to him. Better yet send him the link to this. He's a loser. You deserve better

OOP:

I sent him the first one so he’s probably already read this.

Soon to be ex saw my update, came to my house. I’m safe. - 2 days later

I can’t post another update to the relationship sub, and I didn’t know if people would see it if I just made an edit myself on my other post. Some shit went down, but I’m okay. Yesterday night STBX contacted me. A lot of people told me to delete my recent update made of the post, it honestly slipped my mind that he could be reading it too,

He said that he was a bit hurt that I’d think he would go for Alimony. But that he understands given everything. He told me that he wasn’t going to but if he needed to sign something to prove it he would.

I said given everything that’s happened he can’t blame me for being on alert. He said that he’s quit his job and that he’s thinking about returning to Germany to be with his family there, additionally he says he’s cut contact with that coworker. He apologised again and wished me the best

Right, and that would have been just fine by itself. But I woke up at about 2.15am last night needing a wee and I saw my ring door bell going off. I have footage of him just sitting outside my house talking to himself. Literally he got there at 1ish, knocked, sat down on my front steps and just started talking. I slept through it and only woke up because I needed the bathroom. I literally sat in my closet for ages just watching the camera not knowing what to do until he left at 3am.

He’s probably going to read this too but I’m somewhere safe, I just can’t tell you all for obvious reasons. He sent me a message saying he can’t lose me, that I’m the love of his life. I told him to fuck off and blocked him.

I really can’t say much, but I’m taking action. Absolutely don’t worry about that little prick.

Just a possible last update, it’s a bit risky to tell you what’s happening now that it’s gotten a bit shittier, just in case it gets back to him.

Comments

Figuringitout890

I almost feel bad for him. He blew up his life for a meaningless emotional affair and an offer of a blow job. Is he still holding to his guns that he didn’t take her up on it? Considering he admitted he had a crush on her, she persued him relentlessly, it would have taken balls to turn it down- considering he was already deep in an EA. I can understand feeling flattered that someone is interested, it’s an ego boost, for sure- but that’s where it should have ended.

He should have succinctly told her he’s very happily married and she needs to knock off. Why don’t waywards think of this? Did he really think this was just harmless flirting that wouldn’t affect his actual life? Did he ever expound on the his “feeling up his muscles”? What muscles?! I feel pity for him and his hour long languishing outside of your house.

OOP: I did end up asking him why he declined her offer for a blow job. I feel like at this point it’s pretty done and dusted, there isn’t really a need to keep lying.

He said the main thing was that he was a little bit afraid to cross that line, and that he had rationalised to himself that since it hadn’t turned physical, it wasn’t bad. (He didn’t really elaborate on why he was afraid, but we were each other’s firsts, so that’s maybe why?)

I cringed a bit writing about her feeling up his muscles. It feels a bit gross to type out for some reason. My STBX is a physically big bloke. He’s 6’6 and roughly 270. He was in the military for a while and he never got out of that routine. I really don’t know what he means when he says his muscles. I mean it could be any of them.

My heart does really hurt for him in a strange way. I was a bit panicked this morning after I woke up from the nights drama worried if he had a night terror or something. I know that he betrayed me, but I still can’t stop hoping that he’s okay. I’ve messaged some of his friends to check up on him just in case.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in and

Ongoing as per OOP

2 updates - Medium

- 8th May 2024

- 9th May 2024

- 10th May 2024

AITAH for resenting my wife for not believing my side of story

I (M, 46) have been married to my wife, Heather (F, 45), for 18 years. We have two kids (16F and 14M). We work for the same company but in different departments. She works on a different floor of our building. We recently hired a new employee, Sarah (F, 30). I helped her a lot with her training and even prepared a guide for her so she could catch up on the new role quickly. I told her she could drop by anytime if she had a question. She kept coming to my desk to chitchat.

Even my coworker, Chris, who shares an office with me, noticed. I thought she was new and lonely, so not a big deal. She asked me to go out for lunch with her. I laughed and joked, asking if Chris wanted to join us for lunch. Then Sarah looked at me and said no, she meant just us to talk, plus she wanted to buy me lunch because I had been so nice to her. Chris gave me a look. I told her she didn’t have to and that I was just doing my job. She insisted, and I agreed.

During lunch, she started rubbing my hand. I moved my hand and changed the topic to my wife, bringing her up repeatedly. She eventually said she found me attractive and wanted to be more than friends, suggesting we start with friends with benefits and see where it goes.

She said she thought I wasn't happy in my marriage because I was having lunch with her and laughing, while she never saw me having lunch with my wife. I told her I was married and wanted to keep our friendship professional. She didn’t like my reply and became quiet. I apologized, but she said it was all good. I paid the bill for both of us since it was so awkward, and we went back to work.

I received a letter from HR telling me they needed to talk to me because Sarah filed a complaint. She said I had asked her out for lunch, been inappropriate and handsy, and even pressured her to have sex with me, but she left. I was floored. Luckily, my coworker Chris can confirm my side of the story. I immediately told my wife the whole thing, and she got furious at me.

She said she believed Sarah's side because she stands by the victim. I told her Sarah was lying! Chris can confirm she invited me! Also, I wasn’t inappropriate; I didn’t touch her and turned her down. My wife rolled her eyes and said Sarah is a gorgeous woman much younger than me, implying I took advantage of her. I was so annoyed! I have always been faithful to her. How could she possibly think of me like this?

Luckily, the HR issue was resolved, and I just have to do some training. I asked to move to another team so I won’t be working with Sarah anymore. Am I the asshole for resenting my wife for not believing my side? For taking her side without any proof? I basically barely talked to my wife since the incident.

Comments

MatataKakiba

This will get lost in the sea of comments, but I'm wondering if the restaurant has a video recording of the dining area. You could prove you're telling the truth really quickly with a recording of she getting handsy and you pulling away.

OOP: I’m gonna check with the restaurant. It’s a small cafe/restaurant within walking distance of our office

KatersHaters

Speaking of intel, I wonder what her behavior/performance was like at her previous job(s). The fact she perused you and then reported false accusations to HR this quickly into a new job suggests a level of “diabolical confidence” imo. Or reckless immaturity I guess. Regardless, something ain’t right and I wouldn’t be surprised if this was some kind of MO for her. I don’t know how you could (safely) investigate her past but something to think about.

Certain-Thought531

NTA she was attracted to you, made her move and failed.

Then she retaliated and made the 1st move to cover herself before you can do anything.

Also i'd question my marriage if I were you, if your own spouse cant trust you then she's not a partner.

narfle_the_garthak

This.

You weren't exactly smart about accepting lunch.

Yes there is a double standard and it sucks.

It also sucks that now your reputation will suffer at work because there are people who won't believe the truth just because.

It sucks that your wife sees you as a possible predator

You should definitely question your marriage and maybe do some counseling to see if this can be fixed or if the marriage needs to end.

You should also file a complaint with HR and see about getting this woman moved to a different depth or let go. You might not be the only person she tries this with.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 1 day later

Quick update : I talked to my wife last night and she said “ I really don’t buy it that a younger good looking employee come on to you “. I asked her have I ever been inappropriate with any woman ? Have I ever been handsy ?

She said “no but you jokes around a lot so you probably made some dumb jokes or something and offended her . I swear you are autistic ! You can’t even get basic social cues. As for being handsy? Who knows ? “. I lost it ! I said WHO KNOWS ? you should know! I expected more from you .

She rolled her eyes and went to sleep. As for HR: it was my request to change team . I can’t work with Sarah or see her everyday . I’m so tempted to yell at her and say WTF is wrong with you ! Neither of us got fired since there was no evidence so HR just gave me the talk ( I have no idea if Sarah has to do the training or what happened to her ).

I went to the restaurant to see if there is a footage but owner wasn’t there . I’ll try again today . My mental health is a mess. My coworker, Chris , suggested to take time off to talk to a therapist and a lawyer . I might do that

Comments

mak_zaddy

Wow. Your wife sucks. I really hope the restaurant has video footage they can share with you.

OOP: My life does suck ! I went from happily married with a good job to office creep and who Is this person I’m married to ? If she thinks I’m too stupid , too ugly and don’t respect women why are we still married

Firecracker048

I'd bring the hammer to HR. They were willing to take action against you for words but when you have witnesses they sre trying to sweep it under the rug. Threaten to sue and demand a written, public apology from sarah. Honestly with you wife, that's different. Good luck with that.

PhilosopherRoyal4882

Take Chris’s advice : talk to a lawyer to sue Sarah and file for divorce . Your wife has zero respect for you

ManufacturerNo6126

Yep i Seconds that. only one who is on your Side is Chris and you neither sleep or live with him ;) Cheers Up Mate and listen to the only one on your Side

OOP: He is a middle aged ( like me ) divorced guy and was joking that we should move in together and make a male version of golden girls ( divorced dads ) and raise the kids together

KatersHaters

The Golden Guys Boys… I like it. Pool, old school arcade room, entertainment room. Sounds streets ahead of living with your disrespectful and cruel wife. Find your inner “Blanche” and live it up.

Need support - How did you know it’s time to end the marriage - 1 day later

Hello friends , I posted in another thread but I’m going through horrible times . I can’t live with a woman who constantly belittles me . Part of me feels guilty for leaving because I have two kids. How do you it’s time to end it? I’m just wondering if my marriage is salvageable? Thanks

Comments

tragicaddiction

it's time to leave when you have exhausted all other possibilities.

That means you have read some good relationship books together

you have tried to use a marriage councilor to fix the issues you have (not a vent session, cut that shit off if all it becomes is her venting)

you have tried approaching things in different ways and nothing changes.

then you can leave without having that nagging doubt in the back of your head that you should have done more and when your kids ask you why you can actually tell them you tried everything to make it work.

you could even do a lie detector if she agrees that you pass she apologizes and moves on from this.

OOP: My wife thinks marriage counselling is for “p***” men. So hard no on that . I have tried being more understanding but she never even acknowledged. I don’t even know what to do anymore . I gave up on sex because she every single time turned me down .

I planned date nights , or even date nights at home ( I’m a pretty decent cook and do all the cooking anyways so not a big deal ), and still didn’t even get a thank you. I gave up lol I stopped trying and now she yells that I’m so stupid and never do anything for her .

tragicaddiction

then it's sitting down and talking about what you both want out of a relationship and what isn't being met right now, in a calm, non blaming way.

if she doesn't want marriage counselling, what does she want? if she doesn't trust you, what will make her do that?

ask what she needs in specific ways and if she doesn't want to work on it, ask if she wants to divorce then because you are both obviously miserable.

OOP: She thinks things are fine the way it is . She thinks I need to work on myself to be more professional and less Of “ autistic goofball “ I am

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Boyfriend's mom called my blind brother [25M] "excess baggage". I [28F] called her a piece of shit.

TRIGGER WARNING: Ableism

  July 3, 2015

My brother is blind, has been since birth, and he lives with me. Not that he needs someone to take care of him, just living with me makes his life much easier and I like it this way. He is pretty independent and has a great job and great future. I'm proud of him big time.

Last month we went to visit our parents back in our home country. We live in Europe but we are from east Asia. My boyfriend is from here. So on the way back my parents filled our luggages with stuff, gifts, food, etc. On the airport we had to pay some excess baggage charges. Last night I was at my boyfriend's parents and I was chatting with his parents and sister. Bf wasn't in the room when these all happened so he didn't see anything first hand. They asked about my trip and all, I said it was all good except that we had to pay a lot for excess baggage which was unexpected. She started laughing which made everyone wonder?! Boyfriend's dad asked what's so funny? She said that she just can't stop appreciating the irony that "excess baggage had to pay for excess baggage". I didn't get it at first, nobody did, but she clarified that "your brother is like an excess baggage on you, you took him on a trip and had to pay excess baggage on the excess baggage as well, it's like double dipping just the other way around".

I wanted to punch her in the face but restrained myself, just told her that she's a piece of shit, apologised to the sister and dad and came out. Texted my bf that I had to leave and we'll talk tomorrow. He came out and we talked a bit about what happened, he offered to go back in there and try to sort things out but I refused, I told him that he's heard my side so go in there and hear them out as well and we'll talk about it again tomorrow. We haven't talked since but we will tonight. I don't know where do we go from here and need ideas. Knowing him, I guess he will suggest some way to sort things out and make peace, but I don't think I'd want that even if she agrees to apologise.

edit: She just posted a Facebook status update saying "My son's girlfriend called me a piece of shit because she disagreed with how I described what happened on a trip".

edit2 My brother and I went to visit our parents. My boyfriend didn't come with us. It wasn't like my brother tagged along on a trip that I took with my boyfriend.

We have an update

tl;dr: Bf's mom called my blind brother who lives with me an "excess baggage". I called her a piece of shit and left their house and gave my boyfriend time to hear everyone and think. Not sure were do we go from here.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

"That said, WTF with BF's mom? Is she usually like this or was it a horrible, horrible joke? I really hope the latter." "Has BFs mom met your brother?"

She has met him a few times. She doesn't know him though. I don't think they've spoken beyond a few words. It really did not strike me as a bad joke. I mean if it was, she could have said so when she saw I was getting angry. In the past she has made comments like "oh poor you I don't think many people agree to something like that". This made me think it wasn't a joke at all. She really thinks this way.

steffisaurus

Forgive my cultural stupidity if I am wrong (and please correct me if I am!), but isn't it very common in Asian culture for the children to take on the role of total caregiver to their parents as they age?  So if that's the case, what will that make her eventually?

OOP

She isn't Asian. I am. My boyfriend's family are Europeans.

When asked where they are from and will they make amends

They are from Spain but live in the UK.

"Do you feel like you even want to try to make amends, or has that ship sailed?"

This is what she really thinks so even if she apologises I don't think that will be in good faith.

OOP When asked if the BF's mother said it because the brother is blind

I'm sure she said it because she believes he is a useless person. This isn't the first time she's made comments that imply the same thing.

"Would you have been so offended if your brother lived with you, wasn't blind, and still tagged along on your trip?"

He didn't tag along on our trip. My brother and I went to see our parents.

  July 4, 2015 (next day)

OK, this isn't good. In case you missed it, yesterday she posted a message on Facebook (explained in an edit in yesterday's post).

So I talked to my boyfriend last night. He acted as I suspected he will, he suggested that it was a moment of madness... She started it and I responded. We're both at fault and we can both apologise and move on from this. Sorry no way after her post on Facebook. We had a long discussion, he doesn't want to take a side. All of these are besides the fact that she doesn't even want to apologise.

I'm very disappointed in him.

His dad called me yesterday as well, apologised for the mom's comment and said that she wasn't speaking on behalf of everyone there and that they found her comments to be very inconsiderate as well. I also apologised to the dad for the way I reacted but he said it wasn't necessary.

His sister called as well. She said it's not the first time she's making comments like that about disabled people and she said she's ashamed. I decided not to engage in a social media piss war and stayed out, but while the mom's friends were commenting like "the young don't know respect these days", the sister commented that "mum you left out what you said to her first... kind of proving her point. please put this down and stop". A few hours later the post was gone.

So yeah, I'm disappointed in my boyfriend. If he had the balls of his sister he'd been great but sadly he doesn't. His dad and sister stood up to the mom and he didn't. I never make a decision impulsively so I didn't break up with him (although I'm leaning towards that decision). I just need to think and any advice on this is also very welcome!    tl;dr: His dad and sister took my side and apologised for her behaviour, boyfriend doesn't want to take a side. I'm disappointed.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

"You said your bf acted as you suspected he would. Has something like this happened before?"

He always believes in keeping the peace between people and finding compromises to work things out no matter what.

dianaprince

In that case, I think you explain to him in no uncertain terms how much his mother hurt you and how much he hurt you by not sticking up for you. Let him know that when he said nothing, it was as good as agreeing with her. Maybe, just maybe, he'll see where he's gone wrong and change, but if not, I guess you have your answer.

His reaction to this doesn't seem so much about keeping the peace as being scared to stand up to someone. There's a big difference between those two things. Keeping the peace would have been "Mum, come on, that's out of line and you know it. Apologise so we can all get past this". Not silence.

OOP

I have done that. He says "I see what you're getting at but to make things right you both need to get together and agree that this was a moment of madness and won't happen again".

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

I just found my husband has 45K dollars in secret credit card debt.

TRIGGER WARNING: financial abuse and deception

Originally posted to

Apr 28, 2024

Last week I went to the grocery store to buy some stuff for dinner and my card was rejected. It was like $4.50 so I had no idea why it would be declined. I checked the balance and it was over drafted by like $800 dollars. I asked my husband what the heck and he said “oh something must have cleared early. I transferred 2k from our emergency savings and went about my day. But then it really started gnawing at me. We make more than enough to be able to cover all our payments. There should be no reason why we should be in the negative.

So I started to go through all the transactions and noticed a bunch of payments to different credit card companies. At the very bottom of the statement it had a snapshot of his credit report and there was all these open accounts. They totaled about $45,000 dollars! I was fucking livid at that point and confronted my husband with the statement and demanded to know what the fuck was going on?! What was he hiding from me? He swore it was nothing bad just a lot of over spending. I told him I didn’t believe him and needed access to all his stuff. All of it. Accounts. Phone. Tablet. When I went through all the credit card statements it was a bunch of mundane shit. Restaurants. Gifts. Trips. But there’s two loans for 10K that are just…gone. Like he removed the cash and i don’t know where it went. At this point he’s been lying to me for so long that i don’t trust him for shit!

I told him I was done! There is not coming back from this bullshit. I went to talk to a lawyer and kinda explained what was going on. I wanted to see how screwed I was. He said that he would have to itemize every purchase to decide what was for us vs him. Otherwise I’m on the hook for half of it. As for the houses we would either have to sell them and split whatever debt/profit or one buy out the other.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve been thinking about it for days. I haven’t told anyone. I know my mom would definitely not be supportive. She would find a way to blame me. “You should have helped him more, men aren’t good with money” I can almost hear it. The kids know something is up since my husband has been sleeping on the couch all week. He keeps trying to explain, but I just don’t believe a word he says. I just want to throw a toaster at his head. I want to calm down and make a rational decision, but that takes time and patience. I not good at either.

Sigh…I need a drink.

When I would hear women say “men are shit” I would think, “no, I have a good guy”. I feel so stupid, for being so trusting. I don’t pay attention for 5 minutes and he screws me over. I look at my son and think “Is HE gonna screw some poor girl over too? How do I stop it?”

RELEVANT COMMENTS

erikaflam

My husband did this to me, he stopped paying the mortgage for 1 year and he owed the IRS over $60,000 because he didn’t pay. He took care of the finances and I trusted I had married an adult that wouldn’t do that or would communicate with me if there was a problem. I was wrong. What I learned is that, whatever the reason (3 years later and thousands in lawyers I still don’t know where that money went), he chose to lie. He knew we were going to end up homeless and he kept doing it until I found out. He now wants me to pay for half of that debt. A man that lies of things like that is not only being abusive, he already doesn’t care about you and he is already causing you damage, he won’t care about causing more and probably will do it just to not face consequences. Document everything, get a lawyer, Leave now and sue for fraud against the marriage estate. This won’t get better

OOP

I feel so guilty and dumb for trusting him fully. I’m a nurse and during Covid I was working crazy hours and was burnt out and exhausted all the time. I let him take over all the finances thinking I too had married an adult, and if something was wrong he would tell me. I admit, I got comfortable. Now that things have slowed down and I’m back to working locally and only 36 hours I started paying more attention. I find this! Thank you. I think I really needed to hear this.

~

SageWolf1999

It probably went to hookers or gambling. Maybe drugs.🤷🏻‍♀️

OOP

JFC, now I have to make an appointment with my gyno. I didn’t even think about that. I wanna bawl into my hands.

INotcryingyouare

It probably isn't hookers. But get those tests, because you would know if he was taking trips. Does he go on business trips? Who is getting the gifts? If he isn't taking you and not giving you the gifts, someone else probably is. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but now you need to figure out what's what.

OOP

I can verify most of it. There’s some stuff I don’t recognize like concert tickets we never went to. When I asked him he said he bought them to resell them and make a profit. He has an innocent answer to everything! When I ask him to show me who he sold them to, he says they paid him cash. It’s just lies after lies, after lies, but just plausible enough to make me look crazy.

May 4, 2024

I just found my husband has 45K dollars in secret credit card debt.

Edit: I don’t know if anyone wants an update, but here it goes.

1. He has agreed to sign a post nup. It will be more legally agreeable for me at this point.

2. He has agreed to take responsibility for the entire amount of debt. I don’t really care what it was on. It’s not just about the money, it’s the constant lying. He still won’t/can’t be totally clear with where it all went.

3. We went to our first marriage counseling session last week. I went okay, I guess. I really don’t see how you unring this bell. Right now all I want to do is leave, but that’s not a legally smart thing to do. I quickly found out how easy it is to look like the “crazy one” when the other person is really good at lying. It’s really hard to keep calm when all you want to do is explode.

4. I’m going to get my ducks in a row and then file for divorce. My two oldest kids will be in college next year and our youngest is 16. I still think I’ll look like the “bad guy”.

5. I’m doing okay. I keep cycling through feeling angry, sad, stupid and heartbroken. 20 years of marriage, dead.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

NJRach

Your point # 3 about making you look like the crazy one. He’s a sociopath or something.

Also, the fact that he can’t tell you what he spent the money on, very telling. I mean, it can’t be anything acceptable, it’s gotta be a vice. Maybe even lying is the vice he’s getting off on.

OOP

I’ll tell you about it. I was looking for my car title in the safe, where we keep important paperwork. I emptied that thing out, couldn’t find it. I asked him about it and the next day it magically appeared. He said I probably didn’t look hard enough. I admit, I lost it. “ why are you still lying!? Why are you still doing this bullshit dance?!” Guess who looked crazy screaming at her innocent looking husband? So now all our paperwork is in a safe deposit box.

~

Wise_Entertainer_970

What were the loans for?

OOP

They were deposited into our checking account and then taken out as cash. When asked for clarification, he swears we spent that cash on vacations, as spending money. Sure we would carry around cash for tips or street vendors but most of our vacation spendings are documented on our bank statements. So once again, not lying but also not telling the whole truth.

~

OOP When asked if info is missing/or if she is throwing everything away

Me? I destroyed the love and trust I gave my husband for 20 years? That’s some wild take there buddy. But out of curiosity what do you think I left out? Im on here anonymously , so ask away. Maybe this will serve someone else.

&

1. He was lying by omission.

2. He still can’t fully explain all the charges. Gives vague explanations.

3. Yes, obviously.

4. No one is “taking the children”. Two are adults, and one is 16, capable of deciding.

I agree. None of this is normal. I have been listening and listening and still only l getting half truths. If he’s sick he’s still not sharing what exactly is his ailment. He had many chances to be honest with me.

No, he ruined this. I listened and waited for a logical explanation and got more lies and half truths.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

My (26f) husband (28m) is frustrated with me because he thinks I'm not feeding our babies adequately because I had to switch to formula. He refuses to help with their feeds at night, how can I find a compromise with him?

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior, verbal abuse

: April 28, 2024

My husband and I got married about a year ago and have been together for six years. I became pregnant quite quickly, and I gave birth to twin girls about four weeks ago. Thankfully neither of them needed to stay in the hospital for longer than normal, which is rare for twins and I am so happy they're healthy. They were born naturally so I don't have the surgical wound or anything which has made things easier, although the whole thing was not a great experience. But once they were born, everything had seemed to be okay. Except they just wouldn't breastfeed.

I've tried, I really have. I've talked to all my doctors, I've done everything they said but it just doesn't work and it hurts as well. They both hate it, and I don't think I'm even producing enough for both of them because when they will feed, they get really hungry and cry soon afterwards. I've tried absolutely everything to make it work but it just doesn't and they'll either refuse or not have enough. I told my husband I can't do this anymore, and he said that I should talk to my doctors but it's probably a phase. And once they're hungry enough, they'll feed because that's what they'd been doing. Also that it's far healthier for them to be breast fed and that we shouldn't just switch because they're being picky.

He does look after the babies with me and it's fairly evenly split throughout the day, but I've been getting up every night to try and feed them when they're hungry but it's just not working. Eventually I told my doctor I was doing everything I could but they just wouldn't feed. They checked both of the babies for things that may be affecting this, but there was nothing. So she said just to move to formula, and that I've done the best I could do and it was better at this point to use formula instead because then they'll be getting enough and not be waking up so often in the night. I told my husband what the doctor said and that we need to switch because the babies going hungry so often could have lasting effects on them in the future and I don't want to affect their development.

He disagreed, but the babies were starting to cry again and still not wanting to feed, so I called my doctor about everything I would need, what I would need to do. I went and got those things and they actually fed, and slept much better in the night. One of them was still a little fussy but once she had some she was so much better and drank the whole thing. It was such a relief that I could finally sleep for a bit and they've been far happier for the last couple of days once I switched to formula. But I wasn't feeling well so I asked my husband if he could feed them one night so I could sleep for the night. He still has parental leave, so he doesn't have work or anything that would be affected by that. But he said that I chose to go against him without a proper conversation or agreement and so I should be responsible for feeding them still.

It upsets me that he holds something like this over me when I tried the best I could to have them breastfeed. They just won't, and I've tried everything. It doesn't make any sense forcing them to go hungry when they will have formula, and they're both much happier now. I was talking to my mother, as she's going to be coming with my father to see the babies soon and I was telling her that I was really tired. She said she can help me once she comes to see them with the babies and their feeds at night but I'm already so tired and sore and I wish my husband could help me now.

But he said it's a waste of money and that I should be feeding them like a normal person and that's what I'm naturally supposed to do. It makes me feel awful because I've tried so hard to do that, but I just can't. They're his babies too and it would help so much if he could feed them at night sometimes, even just once a week. I know other women have gone through much worse and what I'm dealing with is not that stressful but it really is a lot and I just wish I could have a night's sleep for once instead of having to be awake so much and I know I'm lucky but it's really hard and it's becoming a bit too much. I don't know how to find any kind of compromise with him when it comes to the feeds at night and it's making it difficult.

Relevant/Top Comments

Suspicious_Egg_1516: OB nurse here. Your husband is being unreasonable, controlling, and manipulative. He is punishing you for making a decision that actually is yours to unilaterally make because breastfeeding is YOUR BODY. His input is secondary on this. They aren't his breasts, his nipples being sucked on, or his mammary glands not producing enough (VERY common with twins!). Formula isn't a toxic substance that poisons babies. It is a vital alternative in situations like yours.

The biggest concern here is that your husband, rather than support you in what is obviously a difficult but necessary decision, is using the situation as an opportunity to escape shared parenting duties AND blame you! Is he a humongous asshole in other areas of your marriage or life? Because I'm finding it hard to believe that someone this awful is a saint in other aspects. Please consider downloading a free PDF of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and reading it while you're giving bottles to the babies. Your husband is either temporarily insane or an emotional abuser.

OOP: That was what my doctor said, that I probably just aren't producing enough and that it's unlikely to change. And the babies hated it most of the time anyway, I don't know why but they just did. And I'd rather give them formula than have them hungry.

He's not normally like this in other aspects, no. I wouldn't have married him if that was the case. He hasn't acted like this before but I think we're both really stressed at the moment and that isn't helping at all.

OOP on her husband being against giving their twins the formula instead of being breastfed

OOP: They'd likely be fine with it. I just don't want it to be too much for them, me being there with two babies. I'm sure they wouldn't mind but I still don't want to be doing that.

He didn't seem to understand that they were really hungry. And although they would eventually try if they were hungry enough, I don't want to be doing that to them when they should be getting fed enough consistently.

: May 4, 2024 (6 days later)

Thank you to everyone who commented on my first post. I took my daughters to my parents, and I have been there for almost a week now. Both of the twins seem to be doing well, and they seem happy, they're five weeks old now. One of them is starting to try and make noises as well, which is a nice change from the crying. I took them to the doctor so they can be checked and they're both healthy and they're growing a bit better now they are having formula. One of them is a little fussy about it, but will still feed.

I've finally been able to sleep properly. I'll feed them at night still, but my mother or father will feed them in the morning, so I can sleep then and sometimes I even get to sleep for nine or ten hours. It's so much better, and I feel like I can enjoy the babies more while they'll still small when I'm not so tired. They've been enjoying sleeping outside now that they're not so hungry all the time anymore, and they don't cry so much. I do feel horrible about letting them go hungry so often when they were little but the doctor said they'll be fine now they're getting enough with formula.

I was worried about frustrating my parents with the babies, but they seem really happy with them there. And the babies don't cry very much now so it isn't so bad. My husband is angry at me, I told him I was going with the babies to my parents but I think he thought I meant just for the day. We've called each other a couple of times and he's said horrible things to me and how he wishes I was dead, but I'll deal with how he feels later when I feel better and know I can manage the babies on my own because they still need regular feeding quite frequently and it's only achievable with my parents helping at the moment.

Relevant/Top Comments

floppybunny86: Hey OP! I commented on your original post & encouraged you to reach out to your parents stay with them. I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling much better, and your babies.

Your husband’s reaction to you leaving is a major red flag, especially when you consider he would basically rather have seen your babies starve than “allow” you to bottle feed. I really hope you pay attention to how he is behaving, because he is showing you his true colours now.

I really hope you have the strength to pay attention, and do what you need to do to protect your babies from him. I hope you have a village of family & friends who can help you.

This internet stranger is rooting for you! Good luck!

OOP: They are so much better, I'm really glad I carried on with what I was doing because they're not so hungry.

It is confusing that he's so upset, I know I should have told him but I couldn't manage and he wasn't helping so I don't know what he thought I should've done.

pastel-goth3722: Your husband calls to wish you dead and your solution is to wait until the babies don't need to be fed as much to work it out with him?

The only way you need to work it out with him is by getting a divorce lawyer and separating from him.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is creepsisteraita

AITA for yelling at my sister for being disgusting?

Originally posted to Am-I-The-Asshole Tumblr

Concluded as per OOP

TRIGGER WARNING: homophobia, golden child syndrome, manipulation, delusional behavior

May 1, 2024

I (19M) have been dating my boyfriend (20M) for 6 months now. I currently live at home with my mom (50F) and my sister (15F) while I'm at a local college.

My boyfriend, obviously, is gay. We are both gay. My mom was supportive when I came out and my sister was too.

When I started dating my boyfriend (Kev), my sister got a little obsessed with him. It just seemed like a weird teenage sister thing at the time, but it turns out according to my mom that she actually has a crush on him. Which... weird, but again, a little sister thing. It's not going anywhere. I've told Kev about it and he thinks it's a little uncomfortable, but he can deal with it. If she kept it to herself I wouldn't mind it, but she fucking doesn't. She constantly wants to hang out with us whenever he's over, never giving us a moment's peace.

Last time Kev was here, we were in my room and she walked in on us making out (without knocking, btw :/) and huffed before slamming the door. After he left a few hours later, she came into my room again to talk to me.

She proceeded to tell me, to my absolute fucking shock, that Kev wasn't gay and I was abusing him by not letting him leave me. I didn't even know what to say, so I just asked her what made her think he wasn't. She said he was obviously into her instead and was using me to see her.

I completely fucking lost it. Months of borderline harassment towards my boyfriend and that's fucking why? I told her that her creeping on him and making him feel uncomfortable didn't count as interest, and that she was a horrible person and an awful sister. I told her to stay the fuck away from my boyfriend, and if she ever brings him up again I'll kick her ass.

She started crying and ran off into her room, but I don't fucking care. I'm sick of having to act like she never does anything wrong. She essentially called my boyfriend a fucking pedophile and called me an abuser. I'm sick of it.

My mom said Kev isn't allowed back at our place until I apologize to my sister. I said good, I don't want my creep of a sister around him, and we can just hang out at his apartment anyway. I'm spending pretty much all my time at school and his place. As time passes though, I keep wondering if I overreacted. She's 15 but it's still so disgusting. I just couldn't take it anymore.

AITA?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

May 1, 2024

Hey its me. I realized I forgot to add some needed info. I wasn't thinking about it at the time.

One, my sister forcibly entered my room. I locked my door and she jimmied it open. She does it all the time so I forgot to mention it.

Second, to those confused as to why my mom isn't helping, it has been like this my entire life. Mom doesn't care about me. At least not nearly as much as my sister.

Basically, 15 years ago the doctors told my mom that there was like a 5% chance or something that she would be born healthy and alive. When she told my dad this he left her, and I haven't seen him since. Good riddance either way. But the point is my sister is her miracle baby. She's the golden child of the family. She can do whatever the fuck she wants with impunity because she almost wasn't born. She's also the straight-a varsity cheerleader. She gets everything she fucking wants. Literally. I don't have anything of my own other than my room, which is half the size of hers, my phone, and my boyfriend. And she keeps trying to take all 3.

She thinks she can have my boyfriend because she has everything else I do and is jealous that there's one fucking thing, just one fucking thing that is not hers. It's so infuriating and dehumanizing and... God. I've been talking to Kev and we've been thinking of moving in together, at least until we finish school. We've both gotten into the same 4-year school so it'll be good there too.

The more I've thought about it the more I blame my mom. She took all my prospects away and gave them to my sister. It's cartoonishly neglectful. I've spent my whole life feeling like an afterthought and now there's someone in my life that cares about me so much, and it just feels amazing. Of course she'd want to take him away from me.

Sorry I forgot to mention all this. I was just furious. I'll be going no contact as soon as I can, with both of them. Thank you all.

May 3, 2024

One last final update due to the final nail in the goddamn coffin.

When my sister was 12, my mom got her a dog. A little beagle puppy named Baxter (5m). About a month into having Baxter, my sister decided she was bored of him and unofficially gave him to me. Since then, I've been feeding him, walking him, paid for his training (which if you've ever had a beagle you know IS NOT EASY), and everyone in the house agrees Baxter is MY DOG. They refer to him as my dog. They tell me "get your dog away from me" and "let your stupid dog in," stuff like that. He absolutely loves me and I him.

Last night my mom called me into the living room where she and my sister were and told me that if I didn't apologize, she'd take my keys (to the junky car that I paid for) so I couldn't see Kev or go to finals, and she'd put Baxter (the dog I completely care for and who only responds to me) in the kennel.

I told her she had no right to do either of those things. She said to get over myself and just apologize, and "as long as you're under my roof, I can do what I want." I still refused and just went up to my room and packed. After both of them had gone to sleep I took Baxter and all my belongings and went to Kev's. He'd always told me that if shit got rough I could come to his place, day or night, rain or shine. I always planned to take Baxter with me when I moved out anyway, so we had already put in a request with mgmt for a pet. We'll just keep him a secret til it gets approved.

This morning I woke up to like 4 missed calls and several texts from my mom that amounted to "where are you, where's the dog, are you still picking your sister up from cheer, what the fuck have you done." I told her that I'd be back in a few days to move any furniture I needed out and she could sell the rest. She told me to bring my sister's dog back and I told her to fuck off, my sister doesnt care about Baxter and never has. He'd probably starve to death if I left him there. She told me she's junking all the furniture and I'm not permitted in the house anymore. Fine by me.

I'm officially moving in with Kev. It'll probably come back to bite me in the ass soon but I just don't care. Being homeless would be better than being there. I don't know where my life's gonna go but for right now, I'm happy.

Thank you to everyone who's been nice. Shut up to that other guy. Have a good one.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

The Context:

to mocking that OOP describes as the “oppressed gamer” — specifically their obsession with the attractiveness of female characters and feelings of persecution, among others.

Many in the comments take exception to the meme, with side-by-side comparisons of the looks of actors and their female character models proliferating.

The Drama:

Someone tries to argue that game developers are indeed making women uglier:

This comment stinks like dirty incel.

How is my comment wrong though?

You're complaining about video game characters not looking like some anime big titty porn stars and looking like real women. Perhaps going outside and looking at real people would help.

[Continued:]

they are in fact complaining that video game characters do not look like real people. Specifically studios intentionally editing the 3d scans of actual women they hired for the role and half the time making them uglier for no reason by messing with their faces, meanwhile the scans they do of men are always 1:1. A good example of this is the new star wars outlaws game. In this game the female protagonist has a completely different face compared to the actress they scanned, however the actor's models look exactly the same.

Well achtually....

Have you seen real people? Get out of here.

Yes I have seen real people, and I have a problem with video game characters being intentionally distorted to not look like real people. Stop being disingenuous by pretending that editing people's bodies to make them look completely different, then acting like this is normal is somehow ok. This is the entire reason why the body positivity movement exists.

It is ok. You incel kids that seem to care about video game women's bodies is fucking weird. It makes no difference to anything except your addled little mind.

So you think all those ads where women's bodies are distorted to look unnaturally slim with big boobs or have their faces altered to be more symmetrical and have smaller chins, noses, and lips are perfectly fine? You're a massive hypocrite. Stop calling literally anything you didn't take even two seconds to think about incel behavior. Intentionally editing the look of people's bodies to make them look uglier or more attractive is not ok.

[…]

You haven’t actually proved any of my points wrong.

MJ from spiderman 2 looks different because she was in an accident that messed up her face. Also that worker all the anti wokes said that looks like MJ was a hoax as well

I don’t care about the rest of them. Mass effect andromeda had bigger problems than you needing to get a hard on You need to fix your priorities of what’s actually wrong in the gaming industry

I’ve just looked at her instagram account and some of her recent photos from April and March and February. Her facial structure and her facial features, even now, still look barely anything like the game model’s features.

Also, for Mass Effect Andromeda, the male model looks the same as the game model while the female model doesn’t. :

Wow the west truly has fallen

Gaming is le woke sjw cringe

I don’t give a shit

The same user as above begins to post more photos, trying to prove his point.

This character model looks literally nothing like any of the pictures from the actress. Her chin, cheekbones, nose, jawline, etc, are all noticeably different.

You can take a pic of any single person alive today and make it not look like them just thru lighting.

nothing you are doing is akin to scientific analysis

you are literally bemused and shook by basic principles of photography

I have looked at multiple different pictures of Mary Jane in the Spider-Man and the actress on her Instagram account, including ones with different angles and lighting. In every single one, all of the facial features in the game version don't match the real life actress. Many people have noticed that, it's why this controversy happened in the first place.

we know a lot of people are into this, that's why OP made the pic in OP, to make fun of the great many of you who are obsessed about this. it's not a controversy that exists outside terminally online Gamer TM communities.

EDIT: and people from those gamer conspiracy communities stalked the actor you are making these accusations about until she quit her job. So maybe fucking stop with the dumb online gamer conspiracies. The fact that there are many people into this is not a comfort or a sign that it is true and good.

[…]

Is your best reply seriously insulting me? You literally haven't proven anything I've said wrong.

Lmao absolutely no self awareness. It comes with age

You can't even make a proper argument against my points, yet you are saying I am the one with no self awareness.

Yeah it comes with age. You're obviously 12. You said shit so stupid it doesn't deserve an earnest reply.

[…]

Do not pull out bullshit statements like "your statement is so dumb and wrong, I don't need to explain why". That means literally nothing and proves literally nothing. You might as well say "I'm right because I say I am", and it would be just about as meaningful of a statement.

Anyone can say "your statement is dumb" or "I am obviously right", whether or not what you are saying is actually true. It's literally one of the worst ways someone can argue against people's points, because it means that someone is just trying to shut down people's arguments without actually saying anything meaningful to refute it, most of the time because they can't form a proper argument against it themselves.

Lmao you got alot of experience in being wrong huh? Fucking incel loser stfu and go away

Again, no actual arguments, just insults. You are just proving my point again. You can’t even write a response without saying “fuck” or “loser”.

Lmao fucking loser. When you finally grow tf up you're gonna cringe so hard about this phase in your life.

Free markets are discussed:

It's not free market if the state / establishment actively interferes to push in a certain direction.

I didn't know the government was keeping titties out of video games.

If you examine that comment, you'll notice that the statement it's making is entirely about you.

If you had any kind of self awareness you'd know that no one fucking likes you, you smell bad, and you should probably just give up on your sad pathetic excuse for a life

Things get personal:

They are but it makes them worse for anyone who isn't a straight man.

Yes but I want sexy women in my escapism

Well, most people don't.

Watch porn. It has beatiful women fucking ugly freaks like you. Lmao

And what of the woke mob?

Oh "they" don't "think" that, there are already examples of it happening, the subversion part at least I don't think the intention is to ruin the games or media its being done to its just usually the result in many cases but ofc not every case.

Nobody cares if you want to make the wokest tv show, movie or game ever made its when you have to change already established characters or lore because your story/game doesn't stand on its own without an already established IP it gets annoying. And I don't really understand who it is for either because the most liberal people I know who are woke AF don't like this either and find it to be pandering and patronizing.

So lets not pretend its not happening because that is the stupidest way of trying to avoid debating it, we all know it is happening and it might be intended to make us argue each other as a diversion from more pressing issues as much of this culture war seems to be trying to accomplish.

We are out to get you gamer

Member when everyone was like "fuck the rich" and occupied together all over the place? And then suddenly for no reason at all people where fighting eachother over stupid shit?

Yeah don't worry about that, just attack everyone who doesn't think like you like a good little pawn, there are NAZIS out there after all and YOU need to be a HERO!

Run for the hills gamer

One user is dragged for saying “wokism”:

nawww bro said "wokism" unironically

I bet you threw down your controller in disgust the first time you loaded up Super Mario Bros.

How dare the woke agenda made you play as such a disgusting pile of pixels! If they wanted representation for stubby Italian-American plumbers they shouldn't have gone after YOU'RE monies!

Stay strong Gamer TM.

"Wokism" you didn't have to tell everyone you don't have friends

"wokism" ate my son!!!

The Flairs:

Banned due to being unmoderated.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Medium

- 21st December 2023

- 8th January 2024

- 24th February 2024

1 New Update

- 8th May 2024

AITAH for not offering to pay for my husband and his kids leading him to spend all his savings?

For a while now my husband, John, has been getting more and more angry over little things and generally moody and distant. I had finally had enough and approached him about separation.

This conversation led to a big blow out and him revealing the state of his finances. My husband and I have always kept our finances separate. Also although we call each other husband and wife and had a wedding we are not actually legally married. This was primarily for inheritance purposes because we each have older children from previous relationships.

Anyway John revealed that he had basically no savings left. That all the money he had saved for retirement and for his kids schooling was gone. Furthermore he said it was all my fault since he used all his savings up to try and keep up with my lifestyle.

There was never anything crazy in terms of bills or anything like that and we always split it all equally. The house we live in I own outright as well, so there wasn’t a mortgage payment.

However I have always liked to travel a lot on fairly extravagant vacations. I would invite John or John and his children to join on trips, but never made them feel like they had to come. That’s said he was expected to pay for himself and for his kids. Except for recently he accepted every invitation.

I would also give my kids things he considered “extravagant”, but I considered “normal”. So he felt like he had to give similar things to his own kids.

John said with all the spending to keep up his savings dwindled very fast. I expressed that I couldn’t understand how or why he would spend all he had when he knew he couldn’t afford it. He said it was like keeping up with the Joneses only worse because it was at home so he couldn’t block it out. John thinks since I knew his job I should have had a basic understanding of his finances and realizes this wasn’t a lifestyle he could maintain. That the kind thing would have been to offer to pay for the trips and other things instead of dangle them in front of his and his kids faces.

Looking back I probably could have realized that this spending didn’t make sense for his salary, but I wasn’t thinking about it. I don’t think it was my responsibility to keep his finances in mind here. We had agreed from the beginning to keep our finances separate so to me that means paying for things separately.

Edit. We do not live in a state with common law marriage

Comments

sessamo

Info: How old are both of you, and do you have any children together? I'm getting the vibe that y'all are a mature couple and just not communicating very well.

OOP: I’m 44. He’s 53. We don’t have any children together.

CaptainSensemakerOi

NTA John blew through his finances all on his own and that because his fragile ego couldn’t deal with you having more money than him.

Vegetable-Cod-2340

Exactly, if he’s capable of complaining about it now, one wonders why he couldn't say anything then. There's something so cringe about an adult unable to take responsibility for their own choices.

Kittenfabstodes

ESH. This wasn't a marriage, this was roommates with benefits.

Kooky-Today-3172

ESH- John should have ended your marriage way earlier. He can't keep with your lifestyle and would horrible and Very unfair to subject his children in a life where half of the family goes on fancy vacations regurlaly and the other stay home. He should have been honest way earlier before his savings drained and ended the marriage. You should have more awareness of your partner's struggled. How do you share a life with someone and don't realize this things?

OOP: He paid for things without any hint that he was struggling. I assume his attitude change was when things started to get really bad and I did ask what was wrong, but he would just say things were fine or say he was upset about some little thing like the dishes not being put away.

With how things are now it’s hard to talk in present tense. I loved him. For me it just feels like it would be wrong for my money and assets to go to anyone other than my kids given. For him well I don’t really need any inheritance, so it just makes the most sense for it to have gone to his children. For restaurants we’ve always just taken turns paying.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 18 days later

After reading all the comments on my first post I realized I needed more time to think about things. I also thought with the situation how it was it would be best that we spend the holidays apart to avoid and controversy. He wasn't a fan of the idea, but I eventually got him to agree to go.

Last week things settled down so we met up to have a more detailed discussion about the state of his finances. A few more things were revealed. I found out that he had lost his job earlier this year and didn't tell me. He got a new job in October, but he went over 4 months without one while pretending he still had one. During that time he only got a small amount of money from unemployment, so he started putting everything on his credit cards. His new job doesn't pay as much as his old one so he hasn't been able to pay more than the minimum towards his debts which are now substantial.

I feel like if he had just brought up all these issues earlier this could have been avoided or we could have worked something out. Now I really just feel like I can't trust him. I can't trust him with money and I can't trust him not to hide things from me. I just can't see going back and trying to make things work him at this point. Since he doesn't have a place to take all their things I've agreed to store their stuff in my garage until he gets more settled. Which means I won't be able to make as clean of a break as I would like right now, but for the most part it's over.

Comments

WillSayAnything

I found out that he had lost his job earlier this year and didn't tell me. He got a new job in October, but he went over 4 months without one while pretending he still had one.

I will never understand this logic. This is an immediate relationship killer as it should be. I would never be able to trust a partner who goes this route. Someone else commented and I agree. If you can afford it, I'd put their belongings in a storage unit. That way he doesn't get complacent and your garage isn't full of junk.

Update - 6 weeks later

I liked the suggestion I was given when last posted of paying for a storage unit for their things for a few months. My ex however did not agree to it. He said it would make things too difficult because the closest storage location was too far out of the way. It definitely felt like he was still trying to cling to things.

Since I couldn’t get a storage unit in his name without his approval I talked to a friend, who is a lawyer, about the situation. He helped me right up a notice that told him that he had 30 days notice to get their things or they will be disposed of. After 30 days notice was up he still had only picked up a few things.

I ended up calling his ex and asked her if she or their kids wanted anything before I got rid of it all. Well, they had been left in the complete dark about our relationship being over. My ex had been lying to them saying I was sick and then he was sick with Covid and that’s why they hadn’t been able to come over. I’m was not at all surprised this point. I figured she didn’t know about the rest of it either and told her. She is livid. Especially about the money for their kids education since it was part of their divorce agreement.

Anyway the kids all got what they wanted and I had a charity come and pick up the rest. It feels a lot better now that there is a completely clean break. Yes I have gotten the locks changed and blocked his number. Since there is no reason for me to have contact with him anymore this is probably the last time I’ll be posting.

I think I’m there future I will probably look for more transparency when it comes to financials in any serious future relationships. With how much he was lying I can only imagine what else he may have been lying about. Had I known more I don’t think he would have been able to hide things. I am just so grateful and relieved that I was able protect myself and my children.

Comments

SnooWords4839

I'm glad you called his ex. Well, nice to know he didn't just lie to you.

Old-Afternoon2459

Sounds like he’s a liar. He lied to you, his ex, his kids, and maybe even himself. It also sounds like he can’t accept responsibility for anything, attempts to blame others and then keep lying to cover his tracks. Congratulations on not legally marrying this guy.

BeulahPierce

There was no partnership in his eyes, only competition. I’m happy you are able to now move and and heal from this nonsense. I hope his kids had no ill will towards you.

**New Update**

UPDATE 3: AITAH for not offering to pay for my husband and his kids leading him to spend all his savings? - 10 weeks later

I know I said that that would be my last update. It’s not really necessary for me to make another, but now I’m kind of using this as a form of journaling which I’ve found cathartic. The previous posts are all under my username.

I only had one run in with my ex since the last incident. He came to my house. I only spoke to him through the camera. He asked about getting his things. I told him that I had already got rid of everything as I had warned him, but that his kids had taken some things. I also told him he needed to leave and to not come back. Surprisingly he didn’t make a big fuss about it. He just said okay and that he was sorry for bothering me before he left, but he did look very tired so maybe that’s why.

I have not seen him since and apparently his ex and his kids haven’t heard from him in all this time either. This update had more to do with them than my ex actually. His ex contacted me to ask about him. She wanted to know if I had heard from him or had his new contact information. His phone is apparently no longer in service. I told her how I hadn’t had any contact with his since the aforementioned visit.

She also asked if she and I could meet up for coffee and talk. I declined because honestly I couldn’t think of a reason for us to meet up. Though I did offer to pass on any info about him if I heard anything.

She apparently wanted to talk to me about helping her pay for her eldest child’s (who is now a senior in highschool) education next year. She also subtly implied there was some fault on my part for their lacks of funds. I rather cowardly told her I would think about it and ended the call.

To be honest I feel like it’s an unfair position she’s putting me in. The main reason being that her children don’t seem to care for me. We got along alright while I was with their dad. However since I ended things with him it has been complete silence from them. I did try to reach out to them to see if they were okay. They never responded. Even when they came over to get their things they ignored me and my youngest. However I did get a message after the call with their mom about how she missed me. The timing though just makes it seem sort of like manipulation to get money out of me.

Edit. I have since blocked all of them.

Comments

Broad-Discipline2360

NTA I wouldn't give them a penny. Idk what the laws look like in your country, but I know that if you start, sometimes it can become your responsibility because you set a precedent. Keep staying away from that circus. Edit to add: Your ex husband's bad financial planning IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Don't let her guilt you into that nonsense.

Snowybird60

I was thinking the same thing. How the hell is it he lied about losing his job, lied about spending his savings on these vacations eyc...when he could have just not gone. Or idk, TALKED TO HIS WIFE???Now it's supposed to be OPs responsibility to put his kids through school?? Yeah, fuck that.

PrideofCapetown

Unless OP somehow magicked her ex’s sperm into his ex’s uterus, there is no way, shape or form OP is responsible for anything related to either of them or their children. Literally not OP’s monkey, not her circus. She should block them all

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by in

trigger warnings: sexual coercion, abuse, drugs, infidelity, spiteful manbaby exes

mood spoilers: happy schadenfreude

- Jan 30, 2023

As my ex is pissed by the fact that I keep telling people that my mom gave him gonorrhea and he wants me to stop. So, I'm going to tell a story about how my ex Devin contracted gonorrhea.

This is going to be paraphrase and shortened.

Back in 2014, I was forced into ballet by my mother. I hated it, as I wasn't the ballerina type so I fought with my mom but in the end, I ended up giving up and went anyway. And that is how I met Devin. He was the most beautiful ballerina I ever saw: he carried himself with grace, his smile was intoxicating and everybody wanted a piece of Devin, but he only had eyes for me. It didn't take long before we started dating. He was 16 and I was 14. I was in love with Devin. He was supposed to be my knight in shining armor, however, Devin was just a pussy wrapped up in tin foil. About 5 months into our relationship Devin and I went to a party. Half way through the party I lost Devin, so I went looking for him. I found him receiving a blowjob from another girl. I just walked away. I was trying to walk home when the cunt muffin rolled up, telling me to get in his car. I didn't want to. I told devin to go fuck himself. I would rather walk home in the Goddamn dark than deal with his bitch ass. I don't remember how Devin convinced me to get in his car, but when I did, I just wanted to know why? Why did he cheat on me? That son of a bitch tried to Gaslight me: nothing like that happened, he doesn't know what I'm talking about, I saw nothing, it was not what it's seen, I was making things up. I would not buy that shit, because I know what I saw. Then Devin cut off the headlights of his car and just floored it down the dirt road with no street lights, and just screamed how he was going to kill both of us and how when someone found our bodies, they just assumed it was an accident. Devin then stopped the car and told me that if I bring up that girl one more time it won't end well for me. Devin drove me home after that. I should have left him after that, but I was just so afraid of him. It didn't take long for the physical and emotional abuse to start. Dating Devin was like dating my mom; he would scream at me, cry and stomp his foot when I didn't do what he wanted me to. Hit me, repeatedly. Pressured me into sex. Force me to do angel dust. Threatened to kill himself when I refused to talk to him.

We dated for a year and in that year I experienced hell. I didn't tell people what was happening, because I was afraid that no one would believe me.

On to the title.

I had tennis practice, but halfway through my practice I started to feel sick, so I called my stepdad to pick me up and take me home. Before we pulled into the driveway there was Devin's car. It wasn't all surprising as sometimes Devin would just be in the house waiting for me. Then, as we walked into the house, we heard them. My mom and Devin weren't quiet. My step dad pulled out his phone to record and then we went upstairs and walked on Devin jack hammering my mom. There was a lot of screaming, threats, and crying. My stepdad and I went to the car then we drove to a parking lot and just cried, while our phones were blowing up. My stepdad then sent the video of my mom and Devin to both of Devin's parents. My ex-in-laws asked for a meeting, they exchanged information and my stepdad told them he would see them in court. His parents try to play it off like Devin was a victim. (one) the legal age of consent in my hometown is 16 and he was 17 at the time (two) no, he fucking wasn't. If you watch the video Devin was trying to smack the phone out of my stepdad's hand and when I started crying asking him how he can do this to me, Devin started telling me to stop crying because I wasn't even that good at sex anyway. My stepdad and I went back to the house, I just went to my room while he went to pack his stuff to leave. My mom came into my room and I was crying, because, even though Devin was a piece of shit he was still my boyfriend. My mom started making fun of me for crying "it's not my fault that your boyfriend wanted me" "boohoo stop crying maybe you put on some more makeup you can keep a man" then she went on to say how Devin pleased her so well. that he knows how to make her come like a real man and unlike my step dad he knows where the clit was, that Devin would always tell her that she's tighter than I am. All the while Devin was trying to call me. Y'ALL! Devin's way of apology was to blame me "I'm sorry you had to see that, but if you spend more time with me I wouldn't have been seeking other women. Your mom was there for me and she cared for me, you abandon me when I need you the most. Blah blah blah victim blaming victim blaming" like, bitch! I gave you my heart and soul. I put my needs on the back burner for yours! what the fuck do you want for me?! Then Devin switch tactics, trying to convince me that I misunderstood the situation, like, motherfucker! I walked on you fucking my mom! You flip-floppy, bastard!

So fast forward to the time I went to school, I didn't talk to my mom or Devin at that time. So Devin's sister spread the news to the School that Devin had sex with my mom. Now, I was afraid to tell people that Devin was abusing me cuz I knew no one would believe me, because Devin had this "good boy" reputation. Only a few people have seen how awful Devin truly was. However, Devin let his mask slip and hit me in front of the whole student body. The funny part about Devin hitting me is the fact that no one believed he was having sex my mom. no one believed that until he hit me and started screaming that I ruined his reputation. He just had to keep his fucking mouth shut. We were separated and I had to explain to the principal and our guidance counselor that that wasn't the first time Devin had hit me. That boy did a lot worse things to me than just hit me. Do you want to hear some mass up shit? Before me, Devin was in a relationship with a girl and he did the same thing he did to me to her. She told people and no one believed her because (like I said above) Devin was a "good boy" in everybody's eyes. They isolated that girl to the point where she had to move away. No one believed her, until Devin slapped me and it didn't help that Devin threw a tantrum. He got suspended cuz he broke things in his tantrum. After that, a lot of people came forward and spoke about how Devin was secretly a piece of shit.

Devin's parents gave my stepdad some money to keep it out of court and then moved away because of shame. And my step dad and my mom got divorced because Devin wasn't the only person my mom was cheating with. By the way, my mom never stops seeing Devin. That bitch took him on elaborate trips; they went to Hawaii, Disneyland and God damn Texas. Devin and my mom were a match made in hell.

But, Karma prevails.

Devin suffered a leg injury and he can't do ballet anymore and he got fat, my mom left him, his parents abandoned him, and the last time I checked he works at a Auto store and lives with his sister. And to top all that my mom gave him gonorrhea. How is your leg? I know you're reading this, you piece of shit. It's a shame, isn't it? You tried your best to live a good life but in the end you're in debt, fat as hell and worth nothing. But me? I'm in love, happily married to a dude who treats me like a queen and has three babies. Eat the dirtiest part of my ass, Devin.

Edit: Devin seen this post! I repeat: Devin seen this post! Devin's in the audience, people! look alive.

Edit2: is not Devin leave that person alone. Should have said this earlier. that is not Devin. Never realize some of y'all was attacking the poor dude. leave them alone. And no that's not my real account, that is just a Redditer that comment on a post. leave them alone that's not me and that's not Devin. leave them alone.

- February 5, 2023

I want to post an update to my story (finally linking is working for me again I don't know what the fuck happened) my story has been read by Brew. Well Devin's sister is apparently subscribed to RedditBrew and she (being an asshole) shared the video with Devin and he lost his shit. Devin broke things and when his sister laughed at him, Devin hit her and stole her laptop to contact me through Discord. Also, I'm sorry about the grandma mistakes. I'm way too tired to try to fix them today

This is the text message I received from him. I just don't know where to post them so I'm going to copy from Discord to here. .

"Addison, I understand what I did to you was painful but it was almost eight years ago. Your little Reddit post went way too far and now it's everywhere on YouTube."

"Does it feel good knowing that you humiliated me?"

"I'm asking you. I'm begging you, Addison, please remove the post before my work sees it."

Never once you apologize to me, Devin. This is the first time you acknowledge what you did to me. I don't give a fuck that it almost been 8 years I don't care because never once you said I'm sorry to me. Never once you said "I'm sorry Addison for basically raping you/drugging you/forcing you to do drugs/hitting you/fucking your mom" never once. And when you did, you say "I'm sorry but" then blame me. You expect me to get over it, you expect me to "Let It Go" you affected me to where it took me years to trust another person. What your sister has told me, you have not changed and the little tantrum you threw when your sister laughed at you, shows that even though it's been damn near 8 years you really have not changed. Suck my cock and swallow what comes afterwards, you khaki shorts wearing, Mr Brown knees having little Bitch. Yes, I take great pleasure in humiliating you. Do you know how many Devin's work in an auto store? Unless you've been bragging about fucking people's mama's, I doubt people would put two and two together. You better be lucky your sister only kicked you out, if i was her I would called the cops on you for hitting me and destroying my things. Go fuck yourself, Devin, you're one of the reasons why I'm in therapy. Maybe one day I will forgive you, but we both know damn well it won't be tomorrow.

Also some people think that my mom raped Devin as he was 17 and could not consent to my mom. Yeah that is bullshit, Devin was a predator. He was 17 so when their little love affair started, he was above the age of consent in my hometown. I'm not saying what they did was right, I'm saying Devin knew what he was doing. Devin was a predator. He knew what the fuck he was doing. He knew when to keep his mouth shut and when to speak. He knew who to target and who to become friends with. He knew who to abuse and who to be buddy-buddy with. He targeted the weak and friended the strong. Devin was a predator, he was not a victim of my mom. Just because he was young does not mean he couldn't consent. I didn't mention this in my last post but Devin used to send me videos  of him doing sexual things with other people just to make me upset. And my mom wasn't the only person who Devin was cheating on me with, she just was the person I didn't know about. Devin knew what he was doing.

But I should thank you Devin as you're the reason why I am the woman that I am today.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

Context: Jason Todd is Batman's second Robin, the one who was infamously killed off in the 80s by a phone vote. He was revived in the 2000s as a Punisher-like antagonist in the Batman story "Under the Red Hood", going by the alias Red Hood. "Under the Red Hood" is Red Hood's most famous story, and arguably the only good one. Attempts to make Red Hood into a lead character have been mixed at best, with his longest run ("Red Hood and the Outlaws") being poorly received and overshadowed by .

The most recent comic is "Red Hood: The Hill", a self-contained mini-series taking place in Gotham, and Batman is slated to appear in a future issue. The Red Hood fanbase has a tendency to view Batman as a villain, and here are the reactions:

oh man I really hate when im reading a batman character and batman shows up that's fucked up lmao.

Are you mentally brain damaged?

Batman showing up in a book that takes place in Gotham? What the hell?

Tell me you don't have the slightest understanding of Red Hood or the context of this story without telling me you don't have the slightest understanding of Red Hood or the context of this story

Write a compelling and addictive story? Narh, just bait the old furry. That will get clicks

If I see a series thats supposed to be about Red Hood and Batman's on the fuckin cover, I don't even bother reading it atp

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Medium

- 29th March 2024

- 8th April 2024

- 20th April 2024

1 New Update

- 9th May 2024

AITAH for not inviting my ex-husband's wife at my daughter's birthday party because she told me not to?

I (32F) have a daughter (9 going on 10F) with my ex-husband (36M). We divorced when she was 3. He then remarried with one of his co-workers (let's call her M). They also have a son together (6M). My daughter's birthday is in 9 days. I reviewed with my daughter things for her birthday, like the theme, the cake...

Here's the issue: when we were going through the guest list, she looked anxious. When I asked what's wrong, she told me that she did not want to invite M. I asked her why and she explained to me that M would make weird comments sometimes around other parents/ to her .

For example, when M would pick her up from her dance lesson, she would hear M say things like "That is why I prefer boys, girls only like pink and tutu", calling her a brat, and other things. She also told me that every time her brother (M and ex-h's kid) would do something to annoy her (like breaking her toys, calling her names, starting a fight), M would always defend her son and punish her every time and say "boys will be boys" or some crap like that .

I asked about her dad and she said that she does that when her dad is around, but he is always in his office so it is like a free pass. Later on, I called her father. He asked for the date of the party (her real birthday is a school day). I told him that his wife was not invited and I think I was in loudspeaker because I heard M screaming at me saying that I "destroy her family" So, AITA for not inviting my ex-husband's wife to my daughter's birthday party because she told me not to?

Okay, just for precision:

• My daughter's half-sibling is 4 years younger than her; she was born in April, while he was born in March the next year after the divorce (he just turned 6).

• BUT it is true that we divorced because my ex-husband told me he was in love with M and "wanted to confess."

• We have a 50/50 custody.

• He has a busy job.

• My daughter explained me she never told me/ her dad that she was scared of ruining her father's marriage because he seems happy

Comments

Forgottengoldfishes

NTA. Ideally you want everyone to get along and have your daughter and her half sibling to have a relationship. But you can’t have that if your husband’s wife is being verbally abusive to your daughter. Dad needs to intervene and insist his wife behaves and gets counseling to address her toxic jealousy of his daughter.

Ipoopoo69

Yeah Dad needs to step in or he's going to risk ruining his relationship with his daughter. Sounds like it's already on that track anyway, but OP really needs to get him to understand this if only for her daughter's benefit.

Only_Lavishness_3271

NTA M should not be invited in your daughter's life at all. You should discuss this with your ex husband immediately. If he is unaware of this, he must know. If he knows and doesn't support your daughter, then he should change or get out of her life as well. This bullying will seriously traumatize her.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 10 days later

So, a lot happened. First of all, I met my ex for lunch alone. I explained everything that my daughter told me. At first, he was defensive and told me that she was overreacting. I replied that even if that were true, his relationship with his daughter is at risk. I gave him a choice: fix the problem or I go back to court for more custody.

Friday, when I came to pick my daughter up at his house, I talked to her in private, and she told me that her dad spent time with her, picking her up from school/activities, helping her with homework, and playing with her. M then told me that she accepts not going to the party but still wanted to see my daughter blow out her candles on her actual birthday.

She baked a cake and asked her (my dautghter) if she was okay with doing it before leaving. She seemed okay with it, so we gathered around the cake (my daughter, M, ex, and half-brother). When my daughter blew out the candles, M junior decided that the good thing to do would be to smash my daughter's face into the cake....(To be honest, if this was not a kid, I would be in prison.) He and M burst out laughing while my daughter was crying.

M then told her that she was being dramatic and "emotional." We (M, ex, and I) got into an argument, and to my surprise, my ex-husband was on my side, saying that it was not okay. While arguing, I noticed that my daughter was not there, so I left to check on her.

I helped her clean herself, and then we left for my house. I tried to cheer her up, but she was still a little sad. The party went well, her dad came, and during the party, I told him that I want more custody because of his wife's bullying. So yeah, I will update you if anything happens.

Precision 2 :

Some of you asked questions about my daughter's reaction. My daughter is a really shy and silent kid. Except for me and her dad, she does not talk unless spoken to or if you bring up a subject that she likes. When something upsets her, she just stays silent and cries. It's always been like that and it is what she did. Started crying, going to her room.

Comments

DingLing4

Are you sure that the ex husbands wife didn't egg on her kid, the half sibling, to do this? Instead of apologizing profusely she went on a verbal attack and said your daughter was over reacting.

To me this seems she wants to create a wedge in between your daughter and ex husband's relationship, and it seems to be working

IllustratorSlow1614

Yeah, this whole “I want to see you blow out your candles” thing was a complete set up. If M was genuinely sorry she wouldn’t have even asked for that much from the child she’d bullied.

Lady_Salamander

NTA. Your ex-husband needs to put M in her place and stand up for his daughter. Her rude, and frankly cruel, behavior is now risking his relationship with his daughter. You’re right to protect your daughter from this beast and her horrible half-brother.

OOP: To be honest, I don't entirely blame the kid. He probably picked up that attitude from his mom

**New Update**

Update 2 - 12 days later

Hi! I saw that many of you asked for an update.

*My daughter: After the cake "incident," I asked her questions about whether M/half brother had ever laid hands on her, played such "pranks" on her, or behaved inappropriately (we never know). She told me no, explaining that the fights with her half-brother are mainly him annoying her. I also inquired if anyone else from both sides had made her uncomfortable in any way, and again, she said no. Since my last post, she has been seeing her psychiatrist twice a week. The bullying apparently started about two months ago. I don't know if it is related (although I am sure it is), but it was also around that time that M had a miscarriage.

*Me: To be honest, I feel like a terrible mom. I did not see the signs. I am trying to fix everything.

*My ex-husband: GUESS WHO SHOWED UP AT MY DOOR AT 10 PM???? He called me last night, was outside, and said he wanted to talk. I let him in, and because I don't trust him (I really don't), I recorded the whole conversation (with his consent). He told me that since the party, he's been thinking about what to do and yesterday told M about my desire for more custody.

From what he told me, she said that it was not such a bad idea because my daughter was not fitting into their family dynamic. They started to argue, and at one point, she just started cursing me and my daughter. Apparently, I am a sneaky B-word who is bitter about her affair with my ex-husband.

She described my daughter as a spoiled, bratty princess who needs correction. And now, he has to choose between which woman he loves the most. This is where he had the click! He left the house, drove around, and then showed up at my place. He is going to stay at a friend's house to think about his relationship with M. Our daughter will stay with me during the week and visit him on the weekends.

I told him that if he's going to get back together with M, I am continuing with full custody. But if they divorce, it will depends of his custody for his son because I don't want him around my daughter. He agreed.

That's it. Thank you for all the support.

Comments

jaethegreatone

You are not a bad mom. The second you found out about everything, you did what you needed to do to protect your child. To me, it always sounded like M was jealous of you and your child and glad to hear she is away from her. Keep protecting your baby Mom!

genocidejoes_gottago

yep, that's a good mom. I feel bad for how guilty she is, but no one is perfect. her daughter is lucky to have a protective parent like that

**New Update**

Final Update : Hi again! y'all ask for an update. Here you go : - 19 days later

*My ex-h : Earlier in the week, he asked if he could come by,saying that he had something important to tell me. He told me that last friday M junior got into trouble at school for cursing at a girl.

Long story short : he confessed his fellings to a girl (the niece of the director), she rejected him. Apparently, he started shouting insults at her that no 6-year-old should know, let alone say. Because of this incident and our daughter's situation he decided to divorce M. She would be served the divorce papers next week. He is also going to pay M in therapy because he still wants her to have a relationship with their son.

We (ex-h,daughter,me) will also be attending family therapy together.

*My daughter : She is happier now, and that's the only thing that matters to me. For the summer I am going to take her to Japan to see my side of the family !

Brooke, if one day you read this, mama loves you more than anything. I am sorry for seeing everything earlier. I love you!!!!!!!

Precision 3 :

1. I am still going for full custody of my daughter with visitation the week-end. If and only IF Mjunior's behaviour improves, I will let him and my daughter interact.

2. He (my ex) is going for full custody of his son.

3. I still don't trust my ex-h. I am keeping my eyes on him, and how he will raise my daughter. I don't know why people would assume that I am going to nice with him. Am I polite? Yes. Nice? No.

4. I am not going for more custody because he wants his son. Because he recently got a promotion so works more. He doesn't have the time to take care of our daughter on the week days so I take her.

5. Someone asked me our races (for some reason??). I am Japanese, like my ex-h, and M is white (French).

6. Like I said I am Japanese but was raised in France so French is my first language, than Japanese, than English (sorry for any mistakes)

Comments

Bonnm42

Glad your ex finally pulled his head out of his arse when it came to M!

ZaraBaz

Sometimes a person has blinders, especially when they're busy with work. French lady is insane cray cray.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Kann es kaum erwarten mich wieder zum Dienst zu melden! 🛡️

The subreddit that used to be my favorite spot for figuring out which chinos to buy from J Crew, , has been in disarray ever since the site admins forcibly removed the moderator team and reopened the subreddit during the API protests.

One of the old mods returned and gave a full overview of everything that happened since they were kicked off:

As is typical for these "state of the sub" posts in MFA, there is a mixed response.

• ""

• ""

• ""

• ""

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• In response to the above comment: "

The old mod lets out some behind the scenes info:

• ""

It will be interesting to see how this change in leadership will play out. Will the sub finally return to how it once was?

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Concluded

1 update - Medium

: February 6, 2024

: February 7, 2024

Trigger Warnings: harassment, stalking, attempted sexual assault

”AITAH for leaving in the middle of a girl’s trip in Europe”

: February 6, 2024

I 24F have a friend 32F who got engaged and decided to do a girls trip as her bachelorette party. She picked Italy and there were 6 of us on this trip.

My friend loves to drink and party whereas I don’t drink but will indulge on occasion, like special events and celebrations. During this trip I tried to participate in the drinking as best as I could. I’m a very bubbly and extroverted person when I’m in a group setting.. so who I am sober vs drunk it’s the same energy. I have tried to express this to my friend for years but she is still someone who gets sad when other people don’t drink as much as her. It is also physically impossible for me to drink as much as her— I just can’t. But I tried really hard for my friend on this trip to indulge her. I wanted her to feel happy. I share this to express that I went in with the best intentions.

But here is where I drew the line.

We met some young people, they invited us to a party. We went and danced and met more people.. the night kept going on longer and we were very far from our lodgings. These young men with 2 women in their group told us to stay with them for the night.. I wasn’t feeling this situation. It felt unsafe but the group voted and I was in the minority. They were all quite inebriated and it was hard to be the only sober person trying to get them to reconsider and get a cab and go to our lodgings. I didn’t trust these men. Something seemed wrong. But I was at a loss as I could not split from my group and didn’t feel safe separating from them in the middle of the night.

We go to this house and settle in. In the middle of the night I hear attempts being made to enter our room.. the men entered even though we had locked the doors. I pretended to be asleep and the men were talking in Italian but it felt like they were checking on us and wanting to do something? They were quarreling with each other going back and forth it seemed. They ultimately left to argue outside .

I didn’t sleep the whole night. I texted my boyfriend and told him what was happening. And how I felt unsafe.

Next morning the group of girls I’m with decides we are going to stay another day because these men have offered to show us around. I didn’t want to get into a car with them because I found them creepy. There were women in their group but it didn’t matter. They seemed even more suspicious to me, being overly friendly. The whole morning I found the men staring at me a lot and also making some comments about my ethnicity - I am Korean and they could tell and it seemed that they were interested in me because of my ethnicity, asking me strange questions …including if I’m a virgin or not.. so in my head I could only think of perverted reasons for these questions because I thought these guys were sketchy and sizing us all up for some reason I couldn’t figure out yet.

My friends said I was having a language barrier issue and I probably misunderstood.. they were liking the attention of these affluent seeming guys who were going to get us on a yacht. My suspicions and concerns went unheard.

I talked to my boyfriend in France and he said he could come get me and he did.

AITAH for leaving the trip because I felt uncomfortable and unsafe?

I tried to communicate all this to my friend but she didn’t feel the same so I did what I had to do for myself. The men were saying they will drive us to get our things from the hotel and we can stay with them instead and the girls were considering it.

I left 4 days prematurely … the girls eventually came back and told me how creepy and scary the men became and that I was right. The friend however (32F) whose bachelorette it was is mad at me for leaving.

Edit: just want to add my boyfriend offered to drive them to our booked hotel and I urged them to follow the planned itinerary.. we even found a legit company who did yacht services.. and my boyfriend offered to gift my friend by paying but she and the others wanted to go with that group of men.

: February 7, 2024

You can read the first post .

I 24F did not expect such an overwhelming response on that post. I wrote it in part.. to vent because I felt some members of the bridal party are unfairly upset with me. I am no longer part of the group chat and I was supposed to be singing a song for the couple at this wedding, which I am sure won’t be happening either. That’s okay..

At this point I do not want to attend.. seems like a sign that I should no longer be friends with the bride 32F (and another friend from this group, and maybe even the rest of them). It still hurts though. I guess that’s normal.

I also want to express.. This can happen anywhere in the world. I do not mean to claim Italy is unsafe, rather that situations can be unsafe (anywhere) especially when people get caught up and choose to stop being aware of their surroundings. When I was living at a model house.. I witnessed a lot of manipulation, and part of my vigilance is due to the experience I had. To have it fall on deaf ears was extremely disheartening.. but I learned from this experience now too.

On my post I also recieved several comments requesting more information so I will answer it here as part of the update. If I missed your question, I'm really sorry..

1. Did I tell the girls the men had entered our room at night?

Yes. I tried to wake up the girl next to me to alert her after the 2 men went outside to argue. She was still too inebrieted. All the girls were wasted and although I felt sober and lucid I also had some alcohol. So I texted the group chat and said we need to urgently talk when everyone is up. I didn’t sleep all night, I stayed in this hyper alert state. When the girls woke I explained what happened in the night along with my concerns. A few girls seemed to consider this, but the Bride-to-be and another girl began to persuade everyone I was simply overreacting. They asserted that because nothing happened, it was my personal paranoia at best. They tried to explain away the incident of the men entering the room to be that perhaps one of them was unhappy to give the room to us. They said everyone was drunk and tired, and as such, people become cranky.

This conversation got cut short when a woman from the Italian group entered the room. We had no alone time after this, so I continued to persist in the group chat. The only thing I kept from the girls in my group was that my boyfriend was currently on his way (it's a few hours drive). I chose to keep this a secret because I did not want the girls to mention it to the Italian group… I felt it would cause a problem in the worst case scenario.

2. Is the Bride-to-be a cheater?

I don’t feel comfortable writing about her in detail but she did not have sex with the men to my knowledge, and I don’t think that was her intention at all … but I do feel that she and a few other girls, did want to take advantage of this trip to have some kind of spontaneous adventure? they wanted a story to tell.. and to have some kind of wild experience which 100% involved flirting with men for the thrill of it. This mentality quickly made following the planned itinerary “boring” and this new situation that presented itself more ‘exciting’.

All the other girls in the group are single, except myself, one other girl, and the Bride … so I think that contributed.

The bride-to-be and her best friend (who kept disagreeing with me alongside her) love to party. Her fiancé is the same. They are constantly partying together, going to raves and concerts and festivals all over the world. It was also for this reason they kept trying to overrule me.. they deemed themselves more experienced travelers.

Even before this trip, I have always been labelled the 'baby' of the group. Despite this label, I am not clueless. It also takes more to impress me so I don’t give a reaction easily or get swept up by “charitable” gestures. These gestures really made the girls become careless. I am spirited and friendly to people I know but naturally skeptical of strangers. I don’t have a loud voice, but I am vocal and will speak my mind whereas some of the other girls are more quiet followers who say things that they know will be in alignment with the group. The bride and her best friend were louder, and very wrong but their loudness and the conviction with which they projected their opinion bulldozed me especially when no one else would take my side.

There was a major 'that only happens in movies, this would never happen to us' type mentality going on that didn't work in my favor. This mixed with the high of alcohol/drugs and the runaway train that was the mentality of the girls on this trip.. it got really hard to talk sense into any of them.

My boyfriend met me at a store when I left with a girl from the Italian group on a “supply run”. It felt like a red flag to me that they always wanted to accompany us. My boyfriend arrived and I told the Italian woman I am going home. My boyfriend had me call the bride to be.. He said he will take them all back to the hotel. He even offered to help arrange a boat if that’s what was keeping her here. She told him he is controlling and she feels bad for me: She refused everything he graciously offered and asked for me to be put on the phone .. then she yelled at me for having done this behind her back. And for spoiling the mood of the trip/the memory for her.

The conversation was going nowhere. She told me to essentially fuck off. I was fed up at this point and feeling unwell from lack of sleep. My boyfriend went back on the phone with the bride and made her put him on speaker and then told them all to share their location with my phone. The Bride refused but everyone else did it.

The girls went later with the women from the Italian group back to the hotel to get their things and relocate to the villa.

3. After the trip: most of the girls informed me I was right (excluding bride-to-be and one other girl). This is what happened.

The men started to get more sexual on the boat in the evening. But not before trying to get everyone extremely intoxicated. It wasn’t a kidnapping scheme I think, it seems they just wanted to get sex in return for all the free favors they had provided and became more aggressive and demanding about it. No one was sexually assaulted to my knowledge but it seems like the men were quite persistent so the line is blurry..

Also I learned one of the girls did have sex with one of the guys ( the bride-to-be’s best friend, who was the girl that kept siding with her). She had sex with one of the men the first night and that's probably why she was so adament to stay. They continued their fling, but the other girls became sour to the experience and asked to leave. By the end of the night they had to check back into a different hotel. What a mess.

The Bride to be is angry that I abandoned the group, and that I left too suddenly without 'thinking about it'. She says I have shown I am not a person who sticks with her through thick and thin. In my defense, I tried my best to express my feelings but they went on unheard so the only choice I had was to leave because in all honesty I refuse to risk my own safety. I also did not want to get into too much detail for sake of length, but the men made me uncomfortable for several reasons and I think I have the right to NOT be subjected to unwanted attention.

Despite all my calm attempts to reason.. the Bride-to-be doesn't understand my side … she believes I overreacted “for nothing”. I’m not sure if the other girls are trying to persuade her to understand me or if they’re all in agreement with her. I think I am just done defending myself. I refuse to 'beg' for this friendship. I kind of want to just move on quietly… what transpired speaks volumes by itself, no?

For background: I have known the Bride-to-be for years and the time span is the main reason we stay friends. We don't see each other all the time though, and can go months and months without interaction. I have many other friend groups. But the 'history' we share keeps us together. Over the years, she doesn't seem to have grown at all... so maybe it's time to go separate ways.

RELEVANT COMMENT

Fancy_Complaint4183: NTA. Chills. That could have gone so differently. Did they not see the last season of White Lotus?! Thank goodness you got yourself out of there and agree that boyfriend is a rockstar and gets full marks!! DITCH these vermin pretending to be your friends.

OOP: Ironically I’ve also not watched any of White Lotus but I see it mentioned here on my post a few times.. I think I need to watch it myself.

I only chose to come on the trip with these girls after reviewing the itinerary because I knew what kind of travellers they are.. I guess getting engaged to be married didn’t change anything. In hindsight I may be a little naive for thinking it would.

Thank you so much for reading my post I hope it helps someone like me in the future or makes girls aware that you can never be too cautious.

I’m grateful (and extremely lucky by happenstance) that my boyfriend was around as he was also going to attend this wedding .. it’s much more difficult when you have a long flight to take to get to your person.

ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP -

I was just saying to another user in a comment that .. looking back on it, I think it was naive of me to expect this group to not do something like this, given their past travel history. I made an assumption based on the itinerary and the fact that she was getting married … that this trip would be a different vibe. It wasn’t and I’m just lucky my bf was also going to be attending this wedding so he was nearby to come get me!

And you are so right— it should have never been about voting on whether my feelings, discomfort and concerns mattered, they should have been taken into consideration. There was a lot of evidence to.. at the very least paint the picture that these men were making aggressive unwanted advances which could escalate and that we shouldn’t entertain their type of company.

The fiancé is also my friend and he did ask for my side of the events after she told him hers. He did not see anything wrong with my decision, and felt it was a bad idea what they decided to do. But he is somewhat like her in that he’s very much a carefree partier.. also the girls and the bride all shared their side of the story first so I think it influenced the narrative a lot.

He has told me he has spoken to the bride about what happened— then she reached out and asked me to attend the wedding but there was no apology. She didn’t address anything or discuss it. Felt very much like she was deciding to let me back in? And so I decided her re-inviting me to her wedding wasn’t enough.. I told her I am not coming. I was supposed to sing at her wedding but I’m no professional, it was more of a little gesture for the bride and groom as my friends, not something that would be missed if it didn’t happen. I don’t think my absence will be felt much in the sense of the program so I don’t feel bad about not going to the wedding. I don’t think my conscience would allow me to even sing for her without feeling like a clown after everything that went down.

She’s been indirectly posting passive aggressively (meme quote reels and stuff about friendships and loyalty) that I know is a dig at me on her stories.. the friendship is over. And the way she is acting only makes it easier to be ok with that.

She always has to prove she’s right or explain her way out of something when she’s wrong. She’ll never acknowledge anything other than her perspective. I somehow got through all these years of our friendship never having ruffled her feathers but this one time we weren’t on the same page for valid reasons.. it really showed me how ignorant? and self centred she is.

Omg sorry for the novel.  

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP