- Perspective
- National
- Queensland
- Domestic violence
Man versus bear: Men need to stop being angry at the question and listen to the answer
Content warning: this article contains descriptions of sexual assault and violence.
Scrolling social media on Tuesday night, I came across the man versus bear debate, a viral trend where women are asked if they’d rather be stuck in the forest with a man or a bear.
The hypothetical has confused and angered numerous men, but resonated with far more women who know exactly why they’d choose the bear.
The comments on the post I saw weren’t surprising, but were particularly heartbreaking because of where the man versus bear debate landed this week.
Seeing women rally around the country recently – about 3000 people marched in Brisbane alone – to protest over the crisis of men’s violence was one of the more optimistic moments I’ve had of late.
The prime minister called an emergency national cabinet meeting and declared violence against women a “national crisis”. It’s been widely discussed at every level of society. It feels like the issue is being given the attention it so desperately needs.
But those close to the issue know you take one step forward on men’s violence in this country, and you invariably take a few back.
Following the rallies, I saw men vehemently deny the role of misogyny in the rates of gender-based violence, taking what could have been a crucial opportunity to highlight dangerous attitudes towards women but instead crying that it’s “not all men”.
In the same week, I had countless conversations with women reliving their own traumatic experiences, or those of someone they knew.
Such as one whose friend had just lost a five-year battle to bring her abuser – an ex-partner who raped and strangled her on multiple occasions – to justice. Despite the testimonies and witness accounts, he will essentially walk free.
In another conversation, a frontline youth worker told me about a woman in her early 20s who had been abused by her brother, father, stepfather and foster carer. She tried to report one of her abusers on multiple occasions, only to be told by police there was nothing that could be done unless “he physically does something again to her”. Again?
“Every person she’s gone to, to try and find adequate help or some kind of protection is a male, and yet they can’t do anything,” the worker told me.
And this kind of abuse happens to women no matter where they are or who they are. At the weekend, Queensland Assistant Minister for Health Brittany Lauga released a statement detailing her experience of allegedly being drugged and sexually assaulted at the end of April.
The member for Keppel said she had been contacted by other women who believed they had also been drugged in Yeppoon, a town half an hour’s drive from Rockhampton in central Queensland.
A day later, a group of private school boys were suspended (two since expelled) after ranking their female classmates on a list that included “unrapeable”. Just let that sink in: 15-year-old boys viewing their female classmates as rapeable or unrapeable, already feeling so entitled to women’s bodies.
On Tuesday, a court in Perth found a man had not contributed to the death of his former partner, despite punching her 40 times, stomping on her head five times and choking her. Pathologists instead found she had died from a heart attack, and he was charged with causing bodily harm. He was sentenced to four years’ jail and could be released in two years with parole.
The message I sent after walking down Caxton Street in Brisbane the night of a recent Broncos game.Credit: Courtney Kruk
Then on Wednesday, ABC News published footage of a Broncos fan being stalked and sexually harassed by a group of men on her way home from an NRL game. The men can be heard yelling: “You better be going home, or I’ll rape you.”
(I can relate – I had to walk down Caxton Street before a Broncos match a few weeks ago and sent this message to a friend: “Walking down Caxton Street right now does not feel safe btw.”)
Which brings us to the man versus bear debate.
The first posts on this topic came from pop culture site Screenshot, which asked people on London streets if they would rather be stuck in the forest with a man or a bear. Of all the women asked, all but one immediately chose the bear.
Since then, the trend has gone viral, with hundreds of women sharing responses as to why they’d choose the bear. Here are a few.
“The bear would see me as a human being”; “people won’t ask me what I was wearing when the bear attacked me”; “I won’t have to see the bear at family reunions”; “the bear wouldn’t take videos and send it to his friends”; “the bear wouldn’t gaslight me into thinking it was all in my head and that I’m crazy”; “the bear didn’t pretend to be my friend for months beforehand”; and “no one will talk about the bear’s bright future”.
Most women recognise those responses because even if they haven’t endured those experiences, they know someone who has. They choose the bear because the stories and statistics speak for themselves.
While the analogy has allowed some men to better understand gendered violence and the plight of women, others have chosen not to listen or show compassion but, instead, to argue the logistics and deride women for trying to make the issue more accessible.
On Tuesday, there was another national roundtable, this one called by Domestic, Family and Sexual Violence Commissioner Micaela Cronin. There was also news that Queensland Police was establishing “safe spaces” in every police station across the state for victim-survivors reporting domestic and family violence.
Women will keep taking steps forward in this country because we have to – our survival depends on it. And I think most would rather see all men walking with us than arguing to be exempt from the conversation.
Support is available from the National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service at 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732). You can phone the Sexual Assault Helpline on 1800 010 120 (7.30am to 11.30pm, 7 days a week).
No to Violence Men’s Referral Service is the national counselling, information and referral service for men wanting to change their behaviour. If you are concerned about your own or someone else’s behaviour, call 1300 766 491.