**I am NOT OP. is the OP of this story.**

---

, Posted May 28th, 2020

My wife has two sisters and is close to both. Their mom died when they were young so they bonded over the loss and became very close. We have two kids. Chris (16M) and Kaylee (13F). My wife's old sister also has two kids. Owen (17M) and Emma (16F). They live about 5 minutes from us and our kids attend the same school. They have always hung out as a group of 3. My Chris and their Emma are a week apart in age and Owen is only a little over a year older so they grew up together and used to call themselves triplets. They are still quite close.

My wife's younger sister has a daughter, Gia, who is 3 months older than mine. The younger sister always made comments when our girls were babies about how she can't wait until they are the ages of the "big kids", meaning Chris, Owen, and Emma, because they'll be just as close. The problem is that Kaylee doesn't like hanging out with Gia and it's becoming more obvious as they get older that they are two different people. Kaylee likes soccer and video games. Gia isn't allowed to play video games and isn't interested in sports. Kaylee is a social butterfly and Gia is a homebody. All of this was manageable but Gia also has some more immature interest. She still enjoys playing with dolls and engages in pretend play. For example, when Kaylee goes over their house to sleepover she says Gia likes playing "school" or "mommies." Playing school means they set up all of the stuffed animals and pretend to teach them. Mommies is when they play with the baby dolls and pretend to be mommies.

I have nothing against pretend play and think it's nice that Gia doesn't feel pressured to grow up too fast but it's clear that Kaylee and her are on different wavelengths. Now that things are opening back up Gia's mom said she can't wait to have Kaylee over. Kaylee said she doesn't want to sleepover Gia's. She said she'll still interact with Gia at family events but doesn't want to sleepover there anymore or go over to play. This upset my wife a lot. She said Kaylee doesn't get a say. Later that night I told my wife I sided with Kaylee. I don't think she should be forced to hang out with Gia. My wife flipped and said that I am an only child so I will never understand her family values and how this isn't up for discussion. I told her that wasn't fair. Kaylee should get a say and she said that you don't get a say when it comes to family. We argued for a while before I told her that we would be having this discussion later and she didn't talk to me for the rest of the night. Was I the asshole? I haven't brought it up again but plan to unless I am totally in the wrong.

Edit: I thought I made this clear but will say it again because of the comments I am getting. Kaylee is not interested in hanging out with Gia other than for full family events. For example, we normally have dinner with my wife's sisters and dad every Sunday. Kaylee is fine hanging out with Gia then but doesn't want to beyond that.

Additional info: Other than her immature interest Gia is a normal 13 year old girl.

Edit: Gia does cry when she doesn't get her way and that's another reason Kaylee is no longer enjoying playing with her cousin. I wouldn't say it's tantrum behavior. Her mom and my wife think it's just hormones and normal but she locks herself in the bathroom until she pulls herself together. I should have mentioned that earlier but my wife and her sisters think it's normal teen girl stuff.

Edit: Sorry for so many edits. Just trying to paint a clearer picture. Last summer Gia and Kaylee hung out about 4 to 5 days a week. Now, this was normal for Chris, Emma, and Owen when they were 12/13. I would say they were over more often than that and had sleepovers most nights. They have a lot of the same friends since they go to the same school and play some of the same sports. My wife and younger sister are trying to recreate this with Kaylee and Gia but Kaylee doesn't want it. Again, she is okay with the weekly dinners but doesn't want the one on one "playdates" and sleepovers with Gia. I am getting a lot of heat over the word immature. All I meant by that is Kaylee, who stopped playing mommies a long time ago, sees it as immature. If Kaylee suggest another game then Gia cries and locks herself in the bathroom. To me that is childlike behavior but I do NOT think any less of Gia because of this. I do not dislike her. I love her like she is my own blood. I am very sorry for hurting people with the use of the word immature.

, Posted June 19th 2020

Original:

Recap: I made a post 3 weeks ago after getting into an argument with my wife. To make a long story short, my 13 year old daughter didn't want to hang out with her 13 year old cousin outside of our Sunday family dinners. She had nothing against her cousin but they have very different interest. My daughter, Kaylee, likes playing sports and video games and talking about boys. My niece, Gia, likes playing "mommies" and "school." Nothing wrong with that but Kaylee outgrew it and feels like they don't have much in common. To make things harder Gia get very upset if things aren't going her way (locking herself in the bathroom) and won't sleepover our house because she gets homesick so all sleepovers are at Gia's house.

Update: I talked to my wife about everything and she agreed she overreacted. She said that after he mom died she felt like it was her job to hold the family together. She is the middle child so she felt like she was the link between her two sisters. Their dad stressed to them how much they needed to stick together and that is where the weekly family dinners started. It was a way to bring everyone together. When my wife got pregnant with our son Chris at the same time her older sister got pregnant with her daughter Emma my wife said it felt like fate, especially since her older sister's son Owen would only be a little more than a year older than both kids. My wife said watching all 3 of them bond like they did made her proud because she knew it is what her mom would want. Even now the kids are close. My son slept over their house last night, they play some school sports together, have classes together, share some friends and sit at the same lunch table. When we found out we were having Kaylee only a few months after Gia was born my wife and her sister imagined the girls growing up together the same way the older 3 did. For a while they did but now that they are growing apart it has been hard on both my wife and her younger sister. When the older 3 were in middle school they hung out everyday in the summer but that was by choice and usually with a larger common friend group. I explained to my wife that this is different because we would be forcing Kaylee to miss out on time with her friends to spend with her cousin multiple times a week even though they have virtually nothing in common. My wife apologized to Kaylee and talked to her sister about giving the girls some time apart. We will still see them once a week for Sunday dinners but we aren't going to force it. My wife's sister was upset because Kaylee is Gia's only "friend" but said she will just have to spend more time with Gia to make her feel special. My wife and I feel bad but we want to make sure our daughter knows that she has the right to say no and have that be respected if she isn't comfortable with a situation even when it's family.
---

**Reminder - I am not OP**

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Wife walked out on me and my daughter two years ago, now she returned and wants to be a family again

Trigger Warnings: depression, spousal and child abandonment

: April 23, 2024

Two years ago, my wife pulled the classic "I'm going to buy some smokes" and just disappeared.

She suffered from depression and I did my best to take the load off her and help her get the help she needed. She would keep saying how she was sick of everything, even our daughter, and again I would give her space and try to accommodate every request.

Then she just disappeared, took some of her stuff and she was just gone. I had gone picking up out daughter at school after work and after we came home she was gone.

Police was involved, but after three days she called her mother saying she was fine but wished for us to not look for her or contact her.

It was hard. Working, raising our daughter as a single father, trying to explain her why mom was gone and not knowing what to say when she asked if mommy would ever be back.

At the same time I appreciated the strong bond I built with my daughter, and that helped a lot.

I never looked into or filed for divorce, but around last year' summer I met a woman, Jill, and we become started an on and off relationship. She knows all about my situation and although we are currently on break, she is still a big help and established a rapport with my daughter as an aunt figure.

I was thinking of getting the ball rolling for divorce when two weeks ago my wife returned. Completely apologetic, but she also seemed to have become a new person entirely: upbeat, propositive, almost with a "glow" to herself.

She popped back in with a "Hey guys, what did I miss?" while after our initial shock, my daughter and I became diffident.

In the last days my daughter has warmed up to her, but I didn't. She tried to initiate intimacy after two nights, but I told her I was not comfortable about it and asked her to move to the guest room, which she did saying she completely understands.

I asked her where she's been the last years, and she pretty much toured around the world (I don't even know with what money) and "found herself". I told her pretty bluntly that I was looking for divorce and that there's already someone else, she said she completely understands if I hate her now (which I don't) but maybe I can give her a chance to make it up to us.

I am torn. I still have feelings for her, and I'm glad my daughter got her mother back, but how can I trust her to not just walk out on us? What I am supposed to do with Jill? "Thanks for everything but my wife is back, so long and thanks for the fish?"

I don't know where to put my head anymore.

Relevant/Top Comments

Veronika9216: I am curious OP, how is Jill reacting to all of this?

OOP: She's giving me time and space to sort this out. Wife tried being friendly with her, but Jill just shut her out.

HAND_HOOK_CAR_DOOR: This is above reddits pay grade.

If you want to pursue being with her you absolutely need a couples therapist.

All Reddit can do is tell you that you’re absolutely right for wanting a divorce.

: May 2, 2024

Hello people. I have read your comments even though I replied very little, but I appreciate your advice and insight. I have an update but I'm afraid it will be a bit disappointing.

My MIL has agreed to take my soon to be ex-wife in, and she moved out without making a fuss. She says she understands but would like to keep a relationship with our daughter. I let her know I am pursuing a divorce, and she took it seemingly well. Her only request is that I don't bar her from our daughter.

She gave me an account of what she's been up to the last couple of years, I am not sure whenever to believe her or not and at this point I don't care. I have contacted a lawyer and we are looking into a smooth and quick divorce. If my ex wife keeps being so cooperative, I think she could have visitation rights, but I am not sure about custody. Perhaps if she demonstrates she can be a safe parent in the future.

Jill and I are not back together. She proposed rekindling our relationship, but right now my priority is my daughter and sorting out my affairs and the divorce. Jill has agreed to give me time, but also asked me to let her know my choice in a reasonable amount of time because she really wants to be with me and my daughter, but neither she can wait forever. I agreed with her.

Now, we get by day by day.

EDIT

Jill is NOT my soon to be ex-wife. She's the woman I had a relationship with after my wife abandoned us and helped me with my daughter.

Relevant/Top Comments

derekthorne: Why are you on and off with Jill? If you like being with her, then be with her. Your ex should NOT be part of that equation.

OOP: It's not about my ex, it's that my daughter is the priority and I feel I can't give 100% to a romantic partner. Jill undestands this, but right now I can't focus on a relationship.

FullyAdjustableFunk: Man that’s a hell of story. I read your original post and it really got to me. What did your MIL have to say about all of this?

OOP: Well, it's her daughter, she loves her even though she is ashamed of her actions.

Veronika9216: Happy to hear you are doing well. Take your time, but in my opinion losing Jill would be a mistake you will end up regretting. She seems very undestanding of your situation and willing to support you in this trying time.

OOP: I don't know. Right now the priority is my daughter. Of course Jill can keep her rapport with her, but I don't think this Is the moment for a relationship.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Boyfriend [25M] and his sister-in-law [28F?] sneaked out to the beach at 3am.

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, manipulation

June 5, 2016

OK so last night that happened. We've been together for a year.

We were visiting his parent's house (who live by the beach) and his brother was also there with his wife. We stayed there last night and at around 3am I was half sleep and noticed that he's leaving the room. I thought he's probably going to the bathroom or something. I heard some noises from downstairs and I wasn't paying attention until I saw from the window that he's going out to the beach with his brother's wife!

They came back about an hour later.

I still haven't confronted him and was wondering what this could mean. What was it that they needed to do? I don't know what to think. Is it something that I can be upset about? Sneaking around at night isn't cool in my opinion.    tl;dr: Boyfriend sneaked around at 3am with his sister in law to go to the beach and came an hour later while he thought I was sleeping.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

I'm very surprised you didn't follow them. It could have a range of interpretations from a crazy idea to wanting to fuck on the beach

OOP

I wanted to but they had locked the front door behind them, and I didn't have the key.

AngelicPrincess

This is a new one to me. Do tell, how do you get locked IN a house?

OOP

The lock has keyholes in both sides. I imagine my in laws lock the doors at night and keep the key somewhere inside and my boyfriend had a spare key so he opened it, got out and locked it back

panic_bread

What if there's a fire?

&

I once went on a couple of dates with a guy. On our second date, he invited me over to his house to watch a movie. When it was time to leave, it turned out that the door was locked from the inside and it took him about 10 minutes to track down the key. I never went on another date with that guy again.

  June 9. 2016

Hey again.

As much as I wanted to tell you all that it was over nothing, that they just wanted to get some air or smoke some weed or something, not the case. They were indeed fucking.

I asked my boyfriend about it. Didn't mention that I saw him go out with her, just that I saw him leave the bed and come back later. He told me that he just went to pee and then saw his dad in the kitchen who couldn't sleep and they had a chat for a while. Liar.

I asked his sister in law immediately after that, said that I saw her from the window for a second. Was I just imagining it since I was half sleep or did she go out "alone" that time of night? She said that she enjoys midnight breaths and alone walks on the beach. Liar again.

I told his brother that I saw them leave. He told me that they enjoy long walks on the beach. He couldn't be bothered to go with them. I thought liar.

So apparently they gave each other the heads up since my boyfriend came to me and told me everything an hour later. Him and his brother like sharing their girlfriends and SOs. He's been fucking his sister in law for years now. That night was just another moment. He told me that he wanted to tell me when the time is right or when he thought I'm prepared so that I can join in and sleep with his brother so they don't even need to sneak around.

He wasn't even admitting that it was cheating, saying that it doesn't count since it's his sister in law not some random girl. I don't even know what to say to that. He called me traditional for thinking it was cheating. Yeah. I consider having sex with anyone else cheating, call me traditional.

So I broke up with him and left him to deal with his weird shit with his brother and I'm actually happier now. The thought of what he was up to all those times grosses me out completely. He can fuck himself. We wanted to go on a holiday together, now I'm gonna go have fun with my cousins instead.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

prettyandsmart

I love that he said it's not cheating because it's his SIL. WTF??? That is literally the craziest statement I have ever seen.

Not to mention it's pretty fucked up to have this arrangement, get a girlfriend, and keep it secret until you think she's "ready" to exchange SO's and have sex with the brother. How the hell are you going to assume that your girlfriend is going to be down with doing it when you finally explain the arrangement?? OP you dodged a freight train.

OOP

He thought he was preparing me for it slowly.

~

are-you-sitting-down

Do take the time to go get checked out for STDs.

OOP

I have an appointment for tomorrow actually. I'm gonna make sure everyone knows their shit if he's given me something. Their parents don't know. They will if I have an STD.

Commenter

Don't let anger and revenge control your actions. Also remember that the girl has done you no harm so disclosing her secret might not be fair to her.

OOP

She's done me no harm? She had sex with my boyfriend God knows how many times behind my back while knowing I wouldn't be OK with it and she lied to me about it face to face. Fuck her.    tl;dr: They were fucking. His brother knew. It was their thing. They wanted me involved too. No way. We broke up. Fuck them all.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I accidentally farted on a first date and she walked out in the middle of dinner

Originally posted to

  Apr 1, 2024

Posted by

I met this girl a couple of weeks ago and I’ve never hit it off with anyone like this. Extremely attractive, funny, we loved all the same things Everything was perfect. However, she kept mentioning all of her “pet peeves”…. Some of which are unforgivable and instant deal breakers

Our first date was this past Saturday night. I made a reservation at a hard to get into hole in the wall that’s literally a tourist attraction in my town in Louisiana. Perfect spot for a quiet dinner… the quietness would become a detriment to my dating life

I had been gassy all day for no reason at all. It was “one of those days”. However, they weren’t noisy or smelly so I didn’t think much about it. We were talking and having a great time when I tried to ease one out and for some reason it was audible…. A CLEAR fart noise. In a desperate attempt to lie my way out of the mishap, I quickly said “that’s not what it sounded like, I promise you! It was my chair”.

The nights conversational focus has now shifted toward the unidentified noise. Her whole demeanor changed and there were no more laughs, jokes, smiles… nothing. One of her aforementioned pet peeves had surfaced. The night was affectively over. In a last ditch effort to recover, we decided on trying to recreate the fart noise with the chair. If I could somehow achieve this, I had a chance. Although slim to none, a chance none the less. Long story short, I could not recreate the fart noise by scooting the chair around and our (now delivered food) was getting cold. She accused me of a farting liar and left. It’s now Monday morning and I still haven’t heard from her as I lie here and shit post my gastric misfortunes

Believe it or not, this was the short version. Is there a chance for us or is she out? Should I have taken ownership of the fart? Thoughts?

TOP COMMENTS

LegoTomSkippy**

Shoulda forced another out while trying to recreate it with the chair.

~

FaTD89

You farted and lied about it - so were you „gas-lighting“ her?

It‘s fine, I‘ll see myself out…

~

Trader0721

Amateur…you should have looked her in the eye and asked her, “how dare you?!…at dinner no less”…

FINAL COMMENT BY OOP

So l've had time to think and read up on it. Evidently, when you fart, you're admitting l methane gas into the air which breaks down ppls immune system. However, the business end of my ass was not facing her. Had the chair had a cushion, she (A) wouldn't have heard it in the first place due to the vibration of the hard surfaced chair & (B) the cushion would've absorbed said fart particles and/or methane gas. Anyways, I'm literally shit out of luck now

  May 2, 2024

Posted by

This is the other side of the story because my date posted his version here about a month ago and I just found out.

This guy and I hit it off and after a few weeks of talking, I agreed to go on a date with him. He was very funny, intelligent, and cute- to name just a few.

As we were getting to know one another, we discussed things that we love, hate, and annoyances from a relationship standpoint. None of them from either of us were crazy. Some of mine were; I won’t tolerate dishonesty, I don’t like feet, and I don’t like bathroom talk.

Fast forward to our date: Everything is going well. We get our drinks & appetizers. He got some kind of bean soup as an app. He was slurping it out of the bowl- didn’t really bother me, it was just noticeable. Dinner comes out and he lets out the loudest, rank fart that I’ve ever had the displeasure of witnessing (I work in healthcare.)

Honestly, he looked so embarrassed, I was going to ignore it and continue with dinner. That is until he practically yelled out “I didn’t fart! It was the chair! The chair farted. Not me. I promise I didn’t fart.” So I said it’s okay, just please stop saying that and lower your voice.

Y’all, I kid you not. This man starts scooting around on the chair and telling me he’ll prove to me he didn’t fart and just listen for the chair.

This went on for a solid 5 minutes with people staring at us. I was so embarrassed and he would not let it go. I finally just got up and left.

He left me several voicemails afterwards telling me how dramatic I was for leaving over a squeaky chair and how ridiculous my pet peeves were. I never responded to him and then I found out about his Reddit post.

Can y’all blame a gal for walking out?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

JDOXVC805

Serious question, if he apologize for the fart would have stayed on the date?

OOP

Absolutely. If it was a one time thing & we could have moved past it, I would have stayed & even gone on a second date.

Silent-Nebula-2188

Lol are you sure ? I’ll gladly admit if someone farts on the first date and it stinks I’m unlikely to make it to the second date. I just can’t imagine smelling someone’s rank farts that early on lol

Either way I think he said some of the pet peeves you had were deal breakers so nothing of value was lost

OOP

He dramatized our conversation. Lying? Deal breaker, sure. My personal pet peeves… let’s just say.. unless you’re intentionally doing them.. I’m going to be forgiving. But lol I did not write out policies and procedures for how I expect a date to go, like he made it sound.

OOP When asked to give him a second chance

If it wasn’t for the incessant and blatant lying about it and him not letting it go that he let one go…

TOP COMMENTS

ParkingLotFlasher

I like how in his post he says he was gassy all day and then in your post you say how he ordered the bean soup.

Guy set himself up HARD, LMAO.

~

Careless_Welder_4048

Omg no way this is real???? What I would give to be sitting at the restaurant and watch this unfold.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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**DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by in

trigger warnings: Tree vandalism

mood spoilers: Sad start but justice is done in the end for their brother

- 6 years ago

Help me convince my brother that this is worth pursuing.

A contractor building a house across the street cut down two very large trees on my brother's property. The biggest one was a 250 year old oak tree that was I don't know why my brother is reluctant to go after this contractor, but can anybody give me some links to success stories I can send him? Maybe something to show him how much this might be worth?

I know from many happy hours on that he is going to need a survey and an estimate of value from an arborist. One additional wrinkle which gives me an excuse to post a is that the tree is actually on the neighbor's side of the street, but my brother's property extends across the street, so the entire street (and the tree) in this area is on my brother's property. The tree is presumably on an easement of some sort, so the city could remove it if they wanted, but there is no question that the contractor removed it, not the city. Would this change the legal situation at all? Thanks!

- 6 years ago

A small update to . My brother is now convinced that this is worth pursuing and has contacted an attorney. We did it, Reddit!

Here's a pic of the courtesy of Google Street View. (Thanks to for the suggestion.) The house in the pic has been torn down to make room for the mcmansion that is being built.

- 5 years ago

This is in Michigan for our robotic overlord.

Original post .

.
The tree, now established to be a historic Bebb oak, in excess of 200 years old.

of rather bizarre property line situation.

So, the mythical arborists do in fact exist. I've never seen one of their reports before so here it is for your viewing pleasure: , . TLDR: the trees are valued at almost $90,000.

A lawyer has been hired. Yesterday a demand letter for $268,000 was sent to the builder who cut the trees down (Michigan allows triple damages for trees). Popcorn is in the microwave. Stay tuned!

- 4 years ago

This is an update to .

tl;dr: The case is over. My brother accepted a settlement of $89,000.

Full update: Yes, friends, I'm back with an update after many long months. I did not forget about you. The wheels of justice turn slowly, but they do turn.

As I said, my brother accepted a settlement. This was reached through an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) process called Case Evaluation that is apparently used here in Michigan. You can read more about this process (PDF warning), but essentially both sides provide a max 20 page summary and a 15 minute oral presentation to a panel of three lawyers. No witnesses or evidence per se, although attachments (documents) are allowed. The panel then comes up with a dollar amount that they think the case is worth.

Both sides then have the option to accept, or reject the settlement and go to trial. I was hoping to be able to watch an actual treelaw trial, but alas it was not to be. There is a possibility of significant penalties if you reject the settlement and then don't beat it by at least 10% in court, so I understand my brothers reasoning in accepting the settlement. It turns out, not unexpectedly, that the settlement will be coming from the contractors insurance company, so hopefully collection will not be an issue.

Another outcome of this case is that my brother, who is not a redditor, is now using the phrase "pound sand" in casual conversation. We did it Reddit!

Edited to remove duplicate links at the end of the conclusion post.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 16th January 2024

- 1st February 2024

My(M30) wife(F26) has returned 1 year after leaving to find herself. How stupid am I for considering taking her back?

My wife and I got married 6 years ago. I proposed to her after 4 months of dating and we were married 3 months later. You could call it quick, and I’m not saying it wasn’t, but it felt right. So it was me, my wife, and my son (who is now 8).

Things were great. We found out we were expecting our first child together and we were over the moon. Sadly, our baby was stillbirth and that started the fast decline of our relationship. It sent her into an extreme depression. It was like nothing could help it, and I was watching my beautiful wife die while still being perfectly physically healthy. By the next few months, instead of waking up to her next to me, I woke up to a note, of her telling me she was going to clear her head. One week, no response. Before I knew it, she came back—and retrieved half of her stuff. I was blocked on everything.

It hurt, you know? I lost my baby and my wife left me in a matter of 2 months I went into a pretty deep depression while also having to shun it away from my son. Things we’re hard. I was pretty much on auto pilot and became severely underweight. It just started feeling good, getting back into society with closer connections to good friends. My wife never came back during that time period, and I was just wondering when I’d be hit with the divorce papers.

And you want to know who showed up at my doorstep at 5am this weekend? My wife. There were so many things I wanted to say to her. I wanted to know if she was okay, I wanted to beg her to come back, but at the same time I wanted to tell her to leave and never come back. She came in and said that she spent the last 8 months 300 miles away and said she wanted to work on us.

I smiled. We almost had sex. I took a good look in the mirror and I couldn’t believe how stupid I was being. She came back expecting me to welcome her back with open arms, and that’s exactly what I did. I empathize with her deeply and I saw how bad everything affected her, but 1 year. It felt unforgivable. I told her she needed to leave and now we’re here and I’m on Reddit, asking how do I proceed?

Comments

Ridingiseverything

I think you need to be brutally honest with her. Tell her that you can no longer trust her to be a reliable and committed spouse because of her actions, and that is a wound that cannot be healed easily. Then put the burden on her to earn back your trust before investing any more of your dignity in being with her. Live apart and give her the opportunity to rebuild a relationship with you. Then she if her effort is worthy of a second chance. She needs to bring more to the table than just words and remorse, and it must be proven over a significant amount of time (months, at least).

OOP: I might just tell her what I wrote here, but elaborate more. It's hard, because it feels like the time where I was praying for her to just come back to me wasn't even that long ago. And now here I'm deciding whether or not I truly want her to remain in my life.

marcelyns

You haven't even mentioned what this did TO YOUR SON! How horrible it is for him. You can't trust her with yourself or your son. What she did is horrific.

Herdnerfer

I don’t think I could ever get past the fear of her just up and leaving out of the blue again, but if you really want to give it a go, you should go to couple therapy and talk everything out before committing to anything.

OOP: You are probably right. I don't think I could ever get over it, even if I wanted to. It will always be on the back of my mind and it'll keep me on my toes.

Update - 2 weeks later

For the people that want the short answer, I’m not going to try to work through things.

Let me explain. I saw many, many, many comments suggesting that she’d been dating, “hoeing” around, even some indicating she’d gotten pregnant? False. Like she said, she went to heal and I believe her. Because when I tell you she was depressed, I mean it got to a point where I had to make sure someone was in the house at all times just to make sure she didn't kill herself. And I don’t feel like arguing on that topic with people that don’t know her.

I’d been thinking too fairytale like when I saw her. Probably because that's how our story has been. Fell in love quick, married young, and thought it was together forever. When I’d seen her for the first time in such a long time, I saw my wife. The woman I fell in love with, my best friend, and my life partner. That’s who I instantly saw. But one quick good look in the mirror and a few days of thinking about it got me realizing that the same woman I married was not the same woman who left me.

This past year has taught me and I had to think back to how I was feeling the previous day before she showed up. I felt very good that past day. I spent the day with my son before dropping him to his mom’s, I went to a bar with friends, and slept peaceful at my own home. My wife hadn’t crossed my mind at ALL that entire day. I’d been happy beyond that past day.

There is only one other person in my life right now that I need. My son. He’s the reason I keep going everyday. And for the quick moment I considered trying things out with my wife, it was incredibly selfish towards him. I mentioned this before, but he truly is a great boy.

I still have love for her and I’m happy that she’s alright, but we’re over. I told her this. We went out and spoke about everything for hours. We finally cleaned out everything from the nursery, she got most of her stuff, she'll be back soon to get the rest. She’ll always be apart of my story, there’s no erasing her or the love we had. What we had was magical at one point, but our story together end’s at divorce.

As for me. Life's only moving, and I gotta make the best of it. So far I have been and it's been going good.

Comments

DplusLplusKplusM

Glad you've found some resolution but hope it comes with some wisdom. When/if you date again be thoughtful and deliberative. Take your time before rushing into marriage. This time around you'll be doing with a child's well-being in mind. Good luck.

OOP: Trust me, not going down that rabbit hold of quickly getting married again. At the time it sounded like a good idea to propose to her, but I was also 23 so there's that.

But I don't regret it. Those first 6 out of the 7 years were really good. And it taught me a lot.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Trigger Warnings: rape

Mood Spoiler: honestly just sad all around, but OOP and husband seem to be ok

Original : April 30, 2024

My Husband (42M) and I (36F) have a very solid relationship. We have been together for about 13 years, have no children but are very active on my nephew's (4M) "Mark" life.

For some background: My husband has a child (16F) "Laura" with whom only my MIL and to some degree FIL have a relationship with from his nuclear family. The reason being she was conceived when her Mom poked holes to the condoms. It was a whole drama about it and my MIL begging my Husband to have a relationship with Laura but he simply couldn't, he even had to get psychiatric help in order to be able to cope with it. The Mom admitted she did it so he would stay with her due to responsibility but it did not work. He pays child support because the law mandates it but nothing more.

I didn't hear about this news from my Husband but from my MIL and she emphasized that she liked me a lot and hoped I would be a good enough person and procure a relationship between my Husband and Laura, I was flabbergasted and asked my now Husband about it because my MIL made it seem so different than the truth. He explained he was going to tell me before we moved in together, and to be fair he kind of had already gave me little infos here and there, and explained the whole situation and even told me I could go to therapy with him and see the psych info if I wanted but things were not like my MIL said. His sister confirmed this as well, and explained this issue was the reason she was not as close to her parents anymore.

Things went okeyish for some time and even the wedding went without issues. We all have several boundaries and MIL more or less respects them although she still have constant communication with Laura and her Mom, we have several cycles of very LC with her. But things went to overdrive once my SIL got pregnant with Mark, MIL started telling everybody it was not her first grandchild and all that cryptic stuff, my Husband was so uncomfortable about it.

She pushed for Laura to be involved in Birthday parties, christening, etc. but we all said no. She also invited both of them to her Birthday party a couple times and we simply did not attend.

Now the new issue is that Laura has been so sad for not having the bio Dad in her life. My husband said NO and left immediately, i stayed while grabbing our stuff since I had brought food and told her it was not going to happen.

According to my MIL Laura just wants to know my Husband since he is her real Dad and despite being Ok with her Stepdad it's not the same. She said she will give her our address and contact info because she is desperate for a connection, I told her I would call the police on all of them. I said my SIL will be very upset with her when she hears of this and to not be surprised to get less access to Mark.

MIL called my Husband cruel and me a bad person for encouraging his cruelty towards an innocent child. I told her I understand Laura is innocent but she most likely would not be asking the same if it was a woman who conceived in the same circumstances. AITAH?

EDITI thank you all for your opinions even if you say we are monsters or cruel. I’m trying to keep up but I think I need to clarify some things.

I asked if IATAH not because I want to betray my Husband but because I stand by him no matter what.

The condom did not break and he was very into safe sex, she assured him she was on the pill but he wanted to be safer by using condoms. Yes, she admitted to poking holes when he asked her if she would consider an abortion and if not if they could coparent because he really didn’t want a relationship anymore. She admitted to it, MIL knows all of this. She is not in jail because MIL begged my husband to not report it and he just wanted it all over.

My FIL is like Switzerland now, at the beginning he was up in arms until my SIL asked him if he would feel the same if it happened to her. MIL is on thin ice with SIL since she introduced Mark to Laura on a Zoo outing without consulting SIL first. MIL is not allowed alone time with Mark anymore.

He has to pay child support until Laura is 18 or done with education in the country we live. He already made sure to make a will leaving her the minimum allowed by law since you can’t disinherit children in the country but you can leave them the least amount, MIL is very distraught at this since he had me and Mark as main beneficiaries.

Husband does not want to meet Laura, give her a letter, etc. I am not going to make him do that. I do believe my MIL is pushing harder since Mark was born because my Husband is amazing with him, we even took him on a trip recently and we are very loving towards him. We also spend a bunch on him because we want, we own our place but it’s all in my name for obvious reasons.

I don’t know if Laura knows, but I would never tell her because it is not my place and despite everything I think it is horrible to learn and worse from someone you don’t even know.

AITAH has no consensus bot, but top comments were NTA

Update : May 2, 2024 (2 days later)

I want to thank everybody that took the time to reply even if it was against us, you gave us the push we needed to clear the situation. I am sorry this is long.

I showed my Husband the post and after spending a long time reading the comments he decided enough was enough. Yesterday morning he texted my SIL and MIL telling them he would like to meet and have this over with, MIL said we could do it in the afternoon and that Laura was coming too, we all said OK.

My SIL and BIL met us at the door because they didn't want to go in before us. It was really tense since the beginning, Laura tried to hug everybody but we asked her to please not. Then she tried to hug my Husband and he was slightly less polite and asked her to not touch him. My MIL was very cheerful somehow and my FIL was just offering everybody drinks and snacks, he was like living in his own reality.

We sat down and after what felt like the longest 5 silent minutes of my life my Husband turned to Laura and asked her if she could please leave him alone. Laura responded that he was her Dad and she will need his support when she goes to Uni since she was planning to move to our city and it was very expensive and hard to find a place, she said she knew he own his own place and that he clearly has money to spare so she was wondering if he would help her out. My Husband said no, that he was already paying child support and will stop as soon as the law allows him to.

She was upset but somehow kept going, she turned to me and said that at the end of the day what is my Husband's will go to her since MIL explained the inheritance laws to her and she wanted to be in good terms with me for when we need to decide what to do with the house, etc. I just told her not to worry because the house is on my name only and there is already a will covering it all. MIL knew about the will but not the house situation. Laura was a bit taken aback and looked at my MIL like asking for help.

She said that even if there is no future money she thought my Husband was unfair to her and that she used to think he simply didn't want to be a Dad but he is amazing with Mark and we even take him on trips. My SIL asked her point blank if she knew how she was conceived and she does. Laura knows everything and says that while it was not the nicest way her Mom wanted her so badly that made it happen. She said SIL should understand because she has her cousin and she would love a relationship with him. My SIL was seething and BIL told Laura he will literally call the cops if she tries to get near Mark.

She started crying saying that she wanted her family to love her and be as awesome as everybody is with Mark and that it is not her fault and her Mom is not a bad person she just wanted a family and my Husband denied them that. my Husband said that it was the lying and the deception that costed the relationship not him, that if there was an honest mistake things would have been different. He told her he will never be her Dad and she needs therapy, he said that she could get a job instead of expecting him to pay for her life in the long term and that he is not willing to have contact after today.

MIL started begging both her kids not to go and maybe do family therapy, they both said they are going NC with her and FIL is on thin ice. MIL is blocked everywhere.

I guess this is it. NC with MIL from all of us, SIL and Husband seem actually pretty happy with the decision. We had dinner together and the topic was dropped after a couple minutes and we focused on other stuff. I am sorry there is no Disney ending but this is for the best and I still support my Husband's mental health above all.

Edit:

I think I would like to play a little devil's advocate regarding the money. When Mark was born we started being very active in his life. We have yearly passes to the zoo, get him nice things, pick him up from daycare twice per week, got him to Disneyland Paris, etc. I believe my MIL was showing her pictures and that is why it came out like this. Or at least it is my assumption of it. Her Mom is not poor by any means, but she does have 2 other kids. Our city is very popular for student life which makes it that much expensive.

My Husband and I are not interested in having or not children on our own, we simply are ambivalent about the issue. I know it might have made MIL even more eager to have a relationship with Laura. We were giving her pocket money for some time but we have decided to stop that as well and let her figure things out with her pension alone.

I don't think we will have anything else to update in this case other than if Laura or MIL come around Mark but I highly doubt this will happen. As much as we don't want a relationship with any of them these are a teenager and a pensioner, not criminal masterminds.

I AM NOT THE OOP. OOP is

Originally posted in

4 updates (3 in original post, one in a new post)

- April 29th, 2024

My (32F) boyfriend (35M) of six years disappeared while I was out of town and I don't know what to do?

Last Tuesday evening I (32F) came home from a being out of town for two weeks for work, my boyfriend (35M) Nate was supposed to pick me up from the airport but once I got in, I wasn't able to get ahold of him and he never showed up, I was a little annoyed but no too worried because I figured he had fallen asleep(When I talked to him earlier that morning he said he didn't sleep very well the night before and was going to lay down before he had to come get me)so I called my sister for a ride home.

When I got home Nate was no where to be found, I checked the garage an his car was gone, so I sent him a text asking where he was and headed up stairs to unpack. When I open the closet to put my things away I saw that almost all of his clothes were gone. At this point I'm confused, so I start calling him it just keeps ringing and then going to voicemail. I check his office and everything is still there, everything in the house is still there and in place except his clothes and his car. I'm really starting to freak out at this point, so I call my sister and she comes over and we both try calling and messaging him and still get no answer. his computer and his laptop are both still in his office, I logged on to his computer and my sister his laptop(I know all his passwords) but we didn't find anything out of the ordinary, so I started searching his desk and found his iPad in the top drawer, I logged into it and checked everything I could think of and found nothing out of the ordinary, my sister suggested checking the find my iPhone app on his iPad to see if we find out where his phone was. We logged into the app and see that his phone was pinging in the next state over, I starting calling him again but still got no answers to my calls or text.

I really start to lose it here, my mind starts going all over the place trying to figure out what could be going on, I called the police because I think someone has to have done something to him. The police came out but they said there wasn't much they could do because he hasn't been gone long and his clothes missing was sign the he left on his own violation.

Over the last few days I've done everything I can to contact him, He doesn't have any family except for a brother that he cut ties with before I met him, I found him online and sent him a message but he said he hasn't seen or heard from Nate in years. I keep checking his phones location and since Saturday morning it has been pinging in the same location in the PNW, I took off work for the rest of the week and my sister and I are flying up there to go to the location his phone is pinging.

Has anyone ever dealt with something like this before? How do I even confront him, what if he is with another woman, what if he isn't there or worse? I am so lost and hurt right now, my mind is all over the place, I can’t think straight, I’m so lost right now.

tl;dr my(32F) boyfriend (35M) of six years disappeared while I was out of town, haven't been able to contact him but his phone is pinging in the PNW and I am going to confront him tomorrow.

Edit: Yes I have called or messaged all of his friends, none of them have seen or heard from him, I do have access to his bank account as we have a joint account but not his business account, He last used his debt card Friday night in a town west of Seattle Washington, He owns his own business but has taken a step back over the last year so he doesn't communicate with them regularly, they haven't heard from him since last month.

I am 5 months pregnant and we have known for 3 months, he did become a bit reserved and withdrawn since we found out but its not uncommon for him to do that every so often especially around this time of year. I don't truly believe that he would abandon me and his child, that's just not the type of man he is but I don't know what to think anymore.

small update: first I want say thank you to everyone for suggesting the welfare check epically We called the the department where his phone is pinging and they have sent someone over to see if they can make contact with him.. Its been over an hour and we are still waiting to hear back. I am hopeful but still have a overbearing since of dread. All I want to know right now is that he is ok and I can figure out everything else later, I just need to know he is ok.

UPDATE [same post]: The police were able to do a welfare check and although they were unable to make direct contact with him they spoke to the couple who live at the house, they said they were old family friends and that he was there on Friday and Saturday but that he went to the Olympics Sunday morning to go hiking for a couple of days, The officers informed them of what was going on and they told him, they believed he was ok and that they would contact me tonight to try and help explain the situation. What does that even mean? I am even more confused, our flight to Seattle is at 9:45am tomorrow and at this point we are still going, I hope these people do call but its been awhile now and I haven't heard anything.

NEW UPDATE [same post]: I think this will be my final update, I have to get ready and get my stuff packed for the flight in the morning, I have just spent the last hour speaking to the couple who house he was at and they against his wishes told me what is going on. They have known Nate since he was 12 years old, he started dating their daughter Ashley when they were in sixth grade and they counited dating all through middle school and high school. Ashley got pregnant toward the end of their senior year and they got engaged. I don't know how to even write this next part, When their son was a 1.5 years old they were involved in an accident with a drunk driver, Nate was ejected from the car and Ashley and his son passed away in the accident, She said that he blames himself for it because according to him they were never supposed to be out that night and it was his fault they were, She said he withdrew from them and everyone else and that up until last Friday that hadn't heard from him since he left. She has offered to come get my sister and I from the airport in the morning and she can try to answer any questions I have while we wait for him to return, She said they know where he is, he is at the spot they spread their ashes, she said he told her that he need be with his son one more time before he let him go... I'm honestly in a total state of shock right now, I don't know what to think but I know he is in pain and I need to get to him and I can figure everything else after.

Thank you to all the kind people who reached out and offered your suggestions, I honestly don't think I would have this information right now if it wasn't for you all, so again thank you!

- May 9th, 2024

First I want to say thank you to everyone who reached out and offered your advice and help on the other hand the people who were just mean or all the men who came into my messages, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

We did fly out to Seattle last Tuesday morning. Kathy(the wife of the couple) picked us up from the airport and took us back to their place, on the way there she said her husband was on his way to go find Nate so he could bring him back but it would likely be a few hours before they would arrive back.

As we waited Kathy did her best to answer some of the questions that I had, I knew Nate lost his mom at a young age to breast cancer but she said it had deeply profound effect on him and he became a very troubled child, she said that when him and Ashley met that Nate was in a group home(I did not know this)because he was in a lot of trouble for fighting and drug use(he was 12!) I was kind of taken back by this because I've never know him to do anything besides smoke marijuana from time to time, he doesn't even drink. She said that when they met Ashley immediately took on a role of protector of him, she could feel his pain and she wanted to rescue him from it, when they finally got to know him they decided that they would take Nate in if he wanted that once he was was out of the group home, when he was 16 he finally got out of the group home but was still on probation so he had to live with his dad who was a alcoholic and abusive but he would spend most evenings and weekends at their house, he still got in trouble because he kept failing his U.A. for marijuana but he was no longer getting into fights, he credited Ashley for that and felt like she and her family were the only people besides his mom to ever show him any compassion or love. She asked if I would like to see pictures of them and when she showed me the picture of Nate holding his son for the first time I broke down, because I have never seen him in the six years we have been together with a smile like that, he was so happy, he smiles now from time to time and he is always laughing but I've never seen that smile, that gleam. it just broke me to know that he had been living in that much pain for 15+ years and hid it from everyone. We looked through more pictures and she told more stories. and spoke of how sad she was when he left, we talked for hours and then finally her husband came through the doo but Nate was not with him.

George(Kathy's husband) said that he had found Nate where he was supposed to be and explained that my sister and I were at their house waiting for him. He said when he told him this that Nate laughed and said of course, and that he would head back, he just needed a few more minutes alone.

so we waited for what felt like forever and finally a little over two hours after George arrived back, Nate walked in the front door. He looked at me and the first words out of his mouth were "I should have known my note wouldn't be good enough and that you would come find me, I love you and I am very sorry" I said what note! and he said the one I put in you front seat, he put in my car! I never even thought to check there for anything.

I am going to leave out a lot of this next part because its very personal but I asked him why he would just leave me at the airport and why he wouldn't just call or text me that he was leaving. He said that while I was gone, he wanted to put some of the things that we had gotten for the baby in the nursey and start painting it before I got back and that everything was fine until he started putting together the dresser and the changing station, while he was doing that he was flooded with memories of his son and Ashley and that it actually knocked him off his feet and he broke down, he said every time he closed his eyes he saw them(that's why he couldn't sleep) he said he deiced to take mushrooms to try and help get him out of it(what!) but all that did was make things worse and he realized that he needed to not forget them and not hide them and that he needed to go make peace with them and ask them to forgive him for abandoning their memory. He knew that when I got home that I would obviously know something wasn't right with him and he also didn't know how to tell me he had been hiding a huge part of his past, anyway he expressed how sorry he was and that he understood if all of this was to much and if I didn't want to be with him anymore that he would completely understand. I let him know that as long as he agreed to never hide something from me or disappear again and would agree to go to therapy and couples therapy that I wouldn't be going anywhere. He promised he would do whatever I asked of him. I asked him to fly back with me and my sister called her husband to fly in and they would drive his car back. So we are back home now, he hasn't started therapy yet but has an appointment next week.

Our baby is doing ok and so am I, I just need him to be ok and everything will be good again, anyway thank you again to all the kind hearts who reached out, you gave me a lot of positive vibes in a dark time and I really cant thank you enough for that.

Comments

Svennerson

OP, I want to commend you for a bit here.

For most people, what Nate did here would be an absolute irredeemable break of trust. To leave a pregnant wife with no communication aside from a single note that was easy to miss, and fly cross country is the sort of sudden and deep traumatic act that shatters so many relationships, no matter how understandable it is.

The fact that you are clear-headed about why this hurt you and formulated a plan and specific boundaries you will need to have maintained shows that you have enough self-respect to not be treated like dirt, to ensure that you won't let his pain turn into further mistreatment of you. But the fact that you were able to see the level of pain he's going through, see the struggle, and understand why he did what he did shows both an astounding level of empathy, and the deep, powerful love you have for this man. The fact that you were able to see a picture of a past him, when he was with a different woman, smiling harder than you've ever seen, and instead of letting the pain of his flight and move surge into rage, feel compassion knowing the man you have loved has been hurting all this time, is a frankly staggering combination of that empathy and love.

May your therapy sessions turn out bountiful, may you help him recover so that in the future, he smiles just as hard as he did in that photo, and may your relationship only blossom further from this ordeal.

Sensimya

I'm happy everything is okay. But man, this was rough. I hope in therapy he truly understands what his actions caused you to experience. Also, he needs to know what a dunder head he is for leaving the note in your front seat!? Who does that? The kitchen is where you leave the note, and regardless he shouldve answered your calls, called and texted, etc.

I think it's going to take time for you both to realize that a lot of trust has been broken by all of this. You can both understand him and still feel a loss of trust from this situation. I hope y'all make it through it.

Marked concluded (unless BF pull another Houdini).

REMINDER, I AM NOT OOP.

No brigading or harassment.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My [24M] girlfriend [24F] went way too far pranking her male friend [24M] and now I'm wondering if the pranks are flirtation after all.

Thanks to for suggesting this and for finding the last update

TRIGGER WARNING: assault, emotional infidelity, accusations of infidelity, harassment, physical violence, manipulation, body injuries, verbal abuse

July 2, 2015

My girlfriend of 2 years has had this male friend for a while, his name is Declan and I'm not his biggest fan but I didn't want to impede on the friendship. So she told me last week that Declan pranked her by calling her up and pretending to be Jack Nicholson with one of those soundboards, so she wants to 'get him back.' So as a 'joke' the next time we were over at his place she used his landline to call a sex hotline that charged by the minute and then just left the phone there. Declan gets charged like $200 for it.

So Declan strikes back at her again (at this point they're still just being "goofy" and I don't really mind). He comes over to her place for a party she was throwing, then hides this creepy decapitated doll in her closet. She finds it, freaks out, but then starts laughing.

Now she wants to prank Declan even harder, so she knows he's scared of clowns and she literally makes this giant paper mache clown statue that's hollow on the inside. She wants to put it in his house (apparently his roommate will let her in or something) then hide in it all night and then pop out of it as soon as he notices it.

So, I tell her this seems a little extreme but she does it anyway. Fast forward to that night. I get a call from my girlfriend because Declan apparently punched her in the face as soon as he saw her pop out of the clown thing, totally as a knee-jerk reaction because he didn't know it was her. Her nose wound up getting broken, she had to go to the hospital.

Now she's fine (although she is still wearing a splint) but she wants to continue pranking Declan. At this point should I put my foot down? She is actually getting injured and it makes me wonder if she just likes being around him so much that she is using the pranks as an excuse.

tl;dr: Girlfriend is in "prank war" with her best male friend, is it leading up to an emotional affair?

July 2, 2015 (16 hours later)

Didn't think I'd have to do an update so soon after posting my OP, but here goes.

I talked to my girlfriend about Declan and I told her that the pranks are getting dangerous, and she is unreasonably close to a guy she's only known for such a short amount of time (she refers to him as "her brother" and her "BFF" but it's literally been 5 months).

I thought she would react in a mature way, but instead she said (almost word for word): "This is why I am always pranking Declan. At least Declan has a good sense of humor. I wouldn't even need to hang out with Declan if you weren't so uptight." So, at least now I have confirmation that she hangs out with Declan specifically because she thinks I am not good enough.

We wind up having a screaming match, and the door rings so she goes to get it. It's this guy in a giant gorilla costume, who barges in and starts humping all our furniture. Immediately I assume it's fucking Declan, so I (keep in mind I was already extremely angry) punch him in the face.

He takes off the mask, it's Declan's roommate Chad. Apparently Declan paid Chad $100 to scare us in the gorilla suit as a diversion, because he was right behind Chad. While Chad was humping our furniture, Declan snuck into our bedroom and put ham underneath the mattress cover.

So I tell both of these dudes to get the fuck out and stop pranking us. I thought I was finally standing up to Declan when finally my girlfriend tells me that the prank was "hilarious" and she's going to give me time to cool off. She leaves with Chad and Declan, and keep in mind Chad's nose is still bleeding and he's wearing the gorilla suit.

I haven't heard from her yet today, but I saw her post a picture of a bagel on Instagram this morning so I know she's awake. I still don't know where she slept last night or what happened with Declan.

I want to break up because I'm so angry but weirdly enough I still really love her (I can't help it) and I don't want to waste two years.

tl;dr: Girlfriend's annoying male friend pulled a stupid prank on us, girlfriend got mad at me for not finding it funny and left the apartment with him

July 6, 2015

Well, this is the latest one:

Here. Spread it around! I can't believe I was removed!

For those of you who don't want to read the earlier posts, my girlfriend (now ex) got way too close to her male friend Declan through an infantile prank war, whose roommate Chad facilitated some of the pranks. I also want to say THANK YOU for the helpful PMs and comments of support, I got way too many to reply to all of them, but they were all helpful.

Sorry for updating so late, a lot has happened and it was 4th of July weekend.

The night of my previous post, I broke up with my girlfriend. I told her pretty much exactly what was suggested. I even told her hat I thought her behavior with Declan was already an emotional affair if not a physical one. Not surprisingly, she flipped out at me and told me I was being emotionally abusive and controlling. She told me that every ex-boyfriend she's had has been emotionally abusive and I fall right into that category. ok. lol

Because she's only "kind of" living with me and technically not on the lease (she's just slowly been staying here more often and has a key) it was pretty easy to kick her out. I wasn't sure if she was going to return to her old roommate, who has most of her stuff (her female friend) or if she'd start living with Declan and Chad (his roommate). When I asked her if she was going to move in with Declan, she told me it was no longer my business.

Anyway, so that night I tried to relax...I was pretty upset but pretty sure in my decision to dump her, and I felt like I could start new, meet someone else, etc. Then I got a bunch of random calls on my phone from a restricted number, when I picked up nobody was there. So I turned my phone on silent, figuring this was one of her immature schemes (tbh I still don't know who did it, I'm just assuming her or Declan) and in the morning I had 60 missed calls from restricted numbers.

In the morning I actually got a text from Declan asking to come over to pick up my girlfriend's stuff. So...yes, she moved in with him. I tried to be civil because I really just wanted to get her stuff out of my apartment, but I also wanted closure, so when he got here, I just told him that his relationship with her directly influenced the breakup, and that I know they're together now.

Now, this is where things get weird. Declan looks at me- surprised- and tells me that he doesn't think my girlfriend is into him, and that he definitely isn't into her. I told him to cut the crap, that it doesn't matter anymore. He seemed to be getting anxious and panicky, so I told him to calm down, i wasn't going to hurt him, I just wanted to know the deal. Then he tells me that he knows he directly contributed to our breakup, but not in the way I think--apparently it was Chad, not Declan, who wanted to bang my girlfriend. Chad was too shy and asked Declan to befriend my girlfriend and act as a "wingman." Declan has tons of female friends so Chad thought he would effectively gain her trust and be a good "in". Declan insisted the reason he kept pranking her and being goofy was because he was hoping it would paint their relationship as clearly non-romantic. Apparently Chad paid him back for all the times he had to lose money in a prank, and Chad was actually the one paying for my girlfriend's broken nose.

I told him "Well, that was a stupid plan because my girlfriend moved in with you specifically to be with you, so that sucks for all three of you." Declan got extremely upset and seemed to be practically shaking at the idea that my girlfriend had feelings for him, he was acting like he murdered someone.

So now my girlfriend (well, ex) is living with the guy she has a crush on (who has no feelings for her) and a guy who has a crush on her but was too creepy and weird to say it. I hope they all have fun together.

tl;dr: Dumped girlfriend, she moved in with Declan and it turns out Declan doesn't like her, Chad does.

I'm sure she will contact me again once it dawns on her that the "wrong guy" is interested. I will update you all if that happens.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in and .

Thanks to for finding this and recommending it.

Read the trigger warnings. A reminder to not comment on Original Posts. See rule 7.

Trigger Warning: graphic descriptions of child abuse; infidelity; verbal abuse; financial abuse;

Mood Spoiler: surprisingly happy ending

Background : January 21, 2024

Editor's note: This post is tangentially related to the main post as it discusses some of OOP's background.

I feel so lost. I don't know what to do and I feel sick. I (41F) have been no contact my with my mother for the past 11 years following years of physical, financial, and emotional abuse as well as years of parentification.

To give everyone an idea, my mother started abusing me physically and emotionally from the age of 6 , which is when we both moved out of the extended family home. I never knew my father so until I was 6 I grew up in a home with my mother, her 3 siblings and her parents (my grandparents).

Her physical abuse consisted of pinching and twisting until my skin blistered or tore. Grabbing me by the arm or leg so hard she'd leave a bruise in the shape of her hand. Throwing things at me like drinking glasses. A few times I couldn't go to school because the bruises were in places that were visible.

Her emotional abuse was just as bad. Telling me she'd throw me outside and lock the door so the boogeyman would take me if I didn't do exactly what she said. This was all when I was under the age of 10.

The parentification started when I was 11 when my first half brother was born. He was my sole responsibility. Same when my second half brother was born when I was 18.

The financial abuse started when I was 12 when I had my first tutoring job. She's take my money to buy alcohol. I would hide my money so I could buy food for me and brother or my cat since she'd forget and just say to "eat whatever".

Financially, she wrecked my credit. I lent her my credit card when I was 21 (stupid I know) to help her with her business. She said, as my mother, I owed it to her. Back then I was still in the mindset I was taught growing up. That family was what was most important. Now I know better and have worked hard for years to build my credit back up.

Back to my dilemma. We (me and my bf 45M) have been invited to a friend's wedding. There's a chance my mother may be there.

What makes me anxious is we have a 9.5 month old baby girl. Yes I had my baby late. There's a long tradition of the women in my family being abusive. I didn't want children for the longest time. I don't regret having my daughter. She's my world and I love her more than anything and I know my mother would demand to see her if given the chance. The thought of my mother seeing her and just seeing my mother in general makes me feel sick with anxiety and on the verge of sobbing.

These emotions come up because I think of my daughter being exposed to her and I can do is cry.

On the other hand I want to go to the wedding. My friends who are getting married know my history with my mother. I have a feeling they'd invite her to be polite.

How can I get through this?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: I'm sorry you had to deal with all that. While I can't tell friends who they should invite to their wedding, I would think good friends would be aware of the friction. I'd certainly ask if my mother had been invited. If they answer yes, then I would skip the wedding. If your mother is still drinking and abusive, there's no way I'd risk running into her again. Just not worth it.

OOP: Thank you. Exactly. I don't want to be that person who dictates who they can/can't invite.

That's a good idea. I will ask if she was invited/ RSVPed yes. She drinks less now. Her heavy drinking resulted in her getting type 2 diabetes. Even with less alcohol, she apparently is still very manipulative and abusive according to my youngest half brother.

Commenter: Wishing you luck. Don’t blame you at all! My mother’s father (grandfather is too familial for him) was a narcissist, abuser too. Had to control every and all situations. Refused to give him any leeway and never spoke to him for the last 10 or so years of his life. If I had kids, I would not have allowed him to be apart of their lives either. There is no need to have another generation subjected to the vitriol and physical violence. Go to the party, support your brother. You don’t have to say a word to her. Make Her look stupid by ignoring her.

OOP: Thank you so much for your comment! I'm so sorry you had to go through that too and you're absolutely right when you said

"There is no need to have another generation subjected to the vitriol and physical violence."

My mother is the way she is because of her mother who was so much worse. That's why I had my daughter later in life. I was child Free out of fear of being like them but my step-dad and boyfriend both told me the same thing: I know how not to parent.

Mini update (Same Post, Next Day)

I don't know if this is how we update but I'm going to do it anyway lol. Thank you to everyone who commented and you all had the same advice. So I contacted the bride last night. She wrote me back this morning. She did not invite my mother. She knows a little bit of my history with my mother and said she rarely speaks to her. She wants me and my step-father there. He too would not want my mother there (he went through a lot of abuse too at my mother's hand). So my friend wanted us to have a good time and is not inviting my mother.

Thank you all again so very much for reading my post. I was so afraid of being that person who causes drama over who is/isn't invited and didn't want to cause my friend stress that I started imagining all possible scenarios of what could happen if she was that and spiraled into an emotional crying mess.

After all your comments, some ginger ale a hug from my husband and baby, I was able to get some sleep.

Thank you all again very much

Original : April 16, 2024 (4 months later)

Title: I had to end my 11 yr NC with my mother and her siblings for a family event. I will see her for the first time this Saturday. I'm overthinking everything...

I (41F) went NC with my entitled narcissistic mother and her siblings 11 years ago after years of physical, emotional and financial abuse as well as years of parentification starting when I was 11 yrs old. None of her siblings said or did anything. They just looked the other way and told me I was too emotional and exaggerate everything.

My brother (30M) and his girlfriend (22F) are having a baby shower for their first baby this Saturday, my mother is organizing it and sent out invites and created a Facebook event. This is why I went stopped my NC, so I could see the event and mark myself as going.

I refuse to let a POS human being prevent me from being there for brother and his girlfriend, even if that person is my mother. I'm not going to lie, I spiralled when I first saw my mother's invite. All the years of abuse, days of missed elementary school because the bruises were in visible places, all came back. My step-dad (54M) talked me down and we're going together. He was abused by her just as bad as I was, if not worse.

My mother is organizing the baby shower because my brother is close with her. Yes he knows what she did but thinks I should just forgive and forget, which I have multiple times but that never stopped the abuse.

My biggest concern is my boyfriend and I have a child (1F) and when my brother found out, he started again with how I should forgive and forget. I told him I don't expect him to not tell my mother about my child but to respect that she will not be in my child's life. Since my daughter was born there were some not so subtle attempts from her to like pictures of my daughter. She even sent me a friend request once, which I deleted right away. She's the jealous vindictive type so it wouldn't surprise me if she pressured my brother to get his girlfriend pregnant so she'd have a grand-child too (She's jealous of my step-dad for being a grand dad).

For those wondering why I didn't block her, I did but unblocked every now and then because I was paranoid she'd try something with grand-parents rights, even though I know she doesn't have a leg to stand on for that or try to get sympathy for not seeing my daughter. This still bothers me to this day sometimes. The nightmares and hormones have me paralyzed in fear. All this to say my mother would be the type of person to post about this on social media and if she does, I want to be able to get screenshots of it and address it right away because she's a master manipulator.

I decided to take a big step and started therapy for the first time last week. Therapy was always something ridiculed and seen as something for weak people by my family. My boyfriend (44M) agreed with the therapy and even asked me how I felt afterwards. He's my rock and my everything. We've been together for 20 years. For those wondering, why we aren't married because we don't really don't care. We love each other and for us that's enough. Therapy helped a lot. I have another session this week, two days before I see her again. My therapist called me brave, which honestly surprised me. I never thought of myself as being brave.

Anyway, I'll update after the baby shower.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Your brother deems his deference for your mother above the abuse thar he knows you suffered. However much you care for him, your feelings are secondary as far as he's concerned... Why stress? Spend the day with someone who loves you.

OOP: thank you for your comment. I do agree with you that my feelings are completely secondary to him. Unfortunately, he's very much like her personality wise but his girlfriend is a gem and keeps him level headed (even he admits its lol). My dad and I have an agreement that if either of us are uncomfortable we'll leave right away. We're going as each other's support. Plus I worked really hard on a crocheted baby blanket, hats and mitts lol.

Why are you putting yourself in this situation?

Thank you so much for your concern. Yes it's going to be stressful but after having lost my entire family when going NC, I went a few years with no contact with anyone, including my step-dad and brothers. She had turned everyone against me which destroyed me. I felt so abandoned. Once her lies, cheating and abuse were exposed is when my step-dad and one of my two brothers came back in my life. The one brother who came back (23M) isn't the one who's baby shower I'm going to (30M). Yes there's a massive age difference between us (I'm 41F). I raised the two of them alone. I felt like I had lost everything when they went NC. Them coming back felt like a second chance. Brother 30M came back a few years after. He's very easily manipulated and has the same kind of personality as my mother: vain, narcissistic and selfish but he's a watered down version without the abuse.

Basically I'm putting myself in this situation for my second chance little family I was able to form after the fallout. Seems ridiculous but I'd feel terrible to not try.

Commenter: I too, think it is a bad idea. I cannot imagine spending time around someone that was abusive to me for years just to appease my brother who didn't even care that I was abused, still maintains a close relationship with my abuser and on top of it has the audacity to tell me to forgive and forget. That part is throwing me. I cannot for the life of me imagine my mom hurting my sister who I love, yet still wanting to be cool with my mom, my mom would be dead to me. And I get Op is fond of her brother's gf but like someone else suggested take her out to lunch or do something else nice with her, like a spa day and give her the gift.

OOP: As much as I would love to do all the above, it's really hard with how far my brother and his girlfriend live and their job. They both work really long shifts. I know it's confusing and even I wonder sometimes, especially that he plays off my trauma like I'm exaggerating, but the best way I can put it is in a way we have a way to start over. After the year did abuse, not just to me but my step-dad also, we want to try and make our little family of chosen people work. We never got a chance to do that, ever. I would have to do a post by itself about my family and all the bullshit that lead to the NC. That would be a massive post in itself. So much to unpack but therapy is helping.

Lastly, I was happy to hear my brother's girlfriend put her foot down with certain things with my mother. My brother will get to see our mother's real personality with his baby. I hope he steps up for his girlfriend and their baby.

Commenter: It's ok to prioritize your self and your family. You cannot thrive and be bountiful if you don't. If not going is best for you. That is ok. What is best for you is ok. It took me a long time to say that! It's not selfish to do what's best for you and your LO (Editor's note- little one)

OOP: I've really been leveraging "No" as a full sentence and have been using that as a filter for people I want to keep in my life. If people can't respect me when I say no, then what else are they going to disrespect me on.

At first I did not want to go. I had a full blown crying, shaking, dry heaving meltdown. After composing myself, I called my dad and he talked me through it and said he was going. He was heavily abused too so I know it's just as hard for him. That's why we're going as each other's support. As for my daughter, she's staying home with my boyfriend having a daddy daughter day.

Commenter: Eh, I would suggest just using her first name, not "mother." Deny the relationship. Twist that knife.

OOP: I have. I use mother here because I've used "egg donor" in the past and people were super confused. Even to my step-dad and brothers I call her by her first name.

Commenter: I'm a cross stitcher and knitter, I feel your pain. (Editor's note- OOP commented at one point that she had a handmade gift for the new baby) As for the shower, have you considered that by going you are letting her win? She gets to show everyone how mean you are to her, she gets to create drama and blame it on you. Think on this, a narcissist thrives on attention any attention, even bad, is a balm to their soul.

She will do everything in her power to make you look bad. There is no way to win, except by ignoring her existence.

OOP: Thank you! I have considered that side too. I'm going by my dad's experience. He had to see her a month ago or so for the gender reveal and he said she looked resigned. Almost emotionless. She's already painted me in a bad light to the entire family (her sisters, her brother and their kids) who will also be there by the way. But they're all so non-confrontational and fake.

I know my mother is throwing the baby shower for exactly that reason. She wants attention. My dad and I agreed to leave right away if either of us feels uncomfortable.

Commenter: You want to be there for a grown ass man who doesn’t care about you being abused. Why do you still care about him? When has he ever cared about you??

OOP: Thank you for your comment. We used to be close a long ago. We've gotten a lot better in the past 2 years. He was really badly manipulated by my mother for many years. He took for granted that what she was telling him was true because she's our mother and she wouldn't lie, which is so dumb, I know. He's learning that more and more. I think he's seeing it more now that she keeps trying to ask him for money, like I warned him she would.

Commenter: Brother will change his mind about mother once she starts abusing his kid. These kinds of things don't just stop. Good luck to you!

OOP: Thank you! I really hope it doesn't come to that but it wouldn't surprise me. I think it'll be more my brother's girlfriend putting her foot down with my mother's involvement (she'll probably try to involve herself in everything). My brother will be forced to choose and in general does what his girlfriend says since she's the most down to earth, realistic and normal out of the two. She keeps him level, his words exactly.

Commenter: You DON’T have to go. Just because your brother has poor taste in people doesn’t mean you have to be around your abuser. You can see him other times.

OOP: Thank you for your comment. I know I don't. I'm choosing to go. I feel like I'm letting my mother get under my skin and win by not going and that makes me even angrier. That's where I'm at at the moment.

Editor's note: All edits take place on the same post.

EDIT: I'm sorry if I'm, confusing anyone by saying "my dad" when referring to my step-dad. To me he is my dad. He and I have gone through hell and back together in regards to my mom. Our experience has brought us closer than ever.

EDIT 2: I am NOT bringing my daughter. She's staying home and having a daddy daughter day with my boyfriend.

EDIT 3: April 16 or 17, 2024 (Same day/day after)

Holy cow I did not expect this many comments! Thank you all so much! You have no idea how much I appreciate it. That's what I love at MarkNarrations. I love this sub. It's such a tightly knit community. My daughter knows the sound of his voice now and comes running to see when I play his videos on my tablet lol.

One thing I want to tell everyone, you don't need to worry about me breaking down, crying, or having a meltdown. I'm at a point in my life where I don't get sad. I get angry and my worry is if she tries anything, my step-dad will have to jump him and pull me back. And I have no problems calling her out on her abuse. Many years ago she made him nearly homeless where he only had enough money to pay his mortgage but had to go to the food bank for food. He didn't tell me because he knew I probably would have done something I'd regret later. He only told me after the fact and I cried tears of anger and disbelief at being related to someone so vile. When I get overwhelmed I cry, which I find so embarrassing.

I am seeing therapist this Thursday, two days before the shower and I'm really looking forward to it. I will keep you all updated. Thank you all again so much. I really love this sub <3

EDIT 4: April 18, 2024 (two days later)

Thank you all again so much for all the love and support. I'm sorry I didn't clarify this before. I have 2 brothers 30M and 23M. My brothers are my half-brothers (We share the same mother. Their father is my step-dad). Just like how I call my step-dad "dad", I call my half-brothers, "brothers".All the comments, advise and suggestions have been amazing and some really really funny. I'm feeling so much better after reading all the support and am started to look forward to the baby shower, especially that my step-dad texted me saying he met my mother's husband this week and that the man's face was priceless after my step-dad introduced himself to him. I asked for more details but he said we'll talk about it on the drive over.

After that, I wanted to give you all a full scope of who my mother is and what kind of a piece of shit human being she really is. I put it in point form instead of a giant block of text:

• Her physical abuse started at 6-7 years old. It was pinching and twisting until my skin tore. Grabbing me by the arm or leg so hard she'd leave hand shaped bruises. Slapping me across the face so hard, I'd have the imprint of her hand on my face. Throwing objects at me. She almost broke my orbital bone when I was 8 after throwing a glass at my face after I said a swear word in public for the first time. A few times I couldn't go to school because the bruises were in visible places.

• Telling me she'd throw me outside and lock the door so the boogeyman would take me if I didn't do exactly what she said. This was all when I was under the age of 10.

• The parentification started when I was 11 when my first brother was born. He was my sole responsibility. Same when my second brother was born when I was 18.

• The financial abuse started when I was 12 when I had my first job tutoring the neighbour's son. She'd take my money to buy alcohol. I would hide my money so I could buy food for me and brother or my cat since she'd forget and just say to "eat whatever".

• Financially speaking, she wrecked my credit. I lent her my credit card when I was 21 (stupid I know) to help her with her business. She said, as my mother, I owed it to her. Back then I was still in the mindset I was taught growing up. That family was what was most important. Now I know better and have worked hard for years to build my credit back up.

• She tried to get back in contact with me 8 years ago by wishing me happy birthday on facebook under my brother's comment (they're facebook friends). This was 2 weeks after we were contacted about inheritance following my grandfather's death a few months before. She hadn't contacted me for anything the 3 years previous. So gross, especially since she inherited way more than I or my brothers did.

• As for my step-dad - she cheated on him for 6 years with some guy she met down in the Caribbean. So not only is she abusive, she's also a cheating piece of shit. She would fly out down there 6 to 7 times a year by herself for her "me" time and would lose it when my step-dad asked to join her. All the money he gave her to pay the mortgage, hydro, and other utilities, she'd send to her boy toy, now her husband. My step-dad almost lost his house and she ruined his credit too by racking up credit card and cell phone bills. Her credit was so bad, she couldn't get a phone. I had had enough and confronted her. They split up not long after and that's when all my mother's lies and manipulation came to light.

• They owned a company together that my mother's brother bought from them. My step-dad and mom had each taken out a loan with the bank to start the company together and were still making payments to it after they split. My step-dad paid his loan off first and that made my mother so angry and jealous she had her brother help her take my step-dad to court to sue him and have him pay her loan. She won. He had to go to the food bank for a while because he couldn't afford anything else but the mortgage and hydro.

I have therapy this afternoon and can't wait. I felt so much better last week after just 1 session. You all have made me feel so much stronger and confident. Let me know if you have any questions or need clarification on anything I wrote above.

Update (Same Post): April 20, 2024 (4 days from OG post)

UPDATE! Today was the baby shower and omg! I'm putting everything in point form because there's a lot to update you all on. I'm typing from my cellphone as I'm rocking my daughter to sleep. I missed her so much today.

1 - my dad invited his female best friend to come with us to the baby shower. We'll call her Sally. She's a wonderful woman with a big heart and very protective of my dad, especially since she knows my mother fairly well and works at the same place as her. The first time she and I met we were talking about each other's work and she was going on about this awful co-worker who was so bossy, blamed everyone else for her mistakes and took the praise for other people's work. Turns out it was my mother lol. Basically my mother was not happy Sally was coming.

2 - Both my dad and Sally said my mother texted them to say the baby shower started at 1:30. It didn't. The invite clearly said 1pm. I told them we're getting there for 1pm and was 99% sure my mother was trying to make them look bad out of jealousy. I was right. We arrived at 12:55 pm and my mother's deer in the headlights look on her face said it all.

Guys I stayed composed. I did it! My hands were shaking but I kept them in my pockets. Sally saw this and squeezed my arm.

My mother came out of her daze and came over "oh OP! You came!? It's nice to see you!"

I smirked at her obvious lie and discomfort at being caught, said "Nice to see you too. Where do I put my gift?" She took my gift and put it on the table with the other gifts.

3 - My mother's two siblings showed up with their daughters. One sister greeted me like an acquaintance, which I appreciated. The other pretended I wasn't even there.

4 - my dad, Sally and I sat at a table with one of my dad's former work buddies. We had a blast. My mother was not impressed. Shooting us dirty looks. So much so my dad's friend turned to me and said "uh oh. I think we might need to keep it down". Everyone else was talking loudly, we weren't the only ones. She just didn't like that we were having fun.Me "forget her. She always looks like that." My dad spit out his drink laughing. I didn't say it loud enough for her to hear (at least I don't think so and didn't care in the moment to be honest) but we did get more dirty looks lol.

4 - my mother whipped out a headset with a microphone hooked to a tiny speaker that she hooked to the back of her pants, like she was some sort of talk show host. I shit you not. I didn't notice until my dad said "what the fuck..." I looked over and couldn't help but laugh. Did I mention my mother thrives on being the center of attention, even at her own son's baby shower.

5 - she had us play games and whatnot which was fun. I participated and had fun, until my mother handed diapers with melted chocolate bars on them and gave them out to my two brothers my dad and another guy at the shower. She wanted them to taste what was in the diaper and guess the chocolate bar. The way the chocolate was melted you could tell some of the crotch of the diaper had turned gelatinous (which is what it's supposed to do when a baby pees. I doubt that gel is for human consumption). Me in my now very comfortable seat at the shower blurted "that's disgusting". I got a few responses agreeing with " uh yeah... That's gross".

6 - then there was the bottle drinking game. My mother dropped the bottle full of grape juice in front of my dad like he was a bug she was trying to squish with the bottle. It was so obvious that the girl at the table next to us tapped my shoulder and asked why "the woman with the microphone just pitched the bottle to the poor guy in the blue shirt". I told her the guy was my dad and the woman was his ex, my mother. The girl apologized profusely. I told her not to, that she said nothing wrong and that my mother was just like that.

7 - my dad and I went out for supper afterwards and what I found out over guys... OMG! Turns out my mother was upset with my dad because she asked my other brother (not the one having the baby shower) to try and put in a good word for her to my dad because she wanted to get back together with him and he just laughed. He didn't know what else to say. Need I remind you all that she's currently married to the man she cheated on my dad with for 6 years!

She married and sponsored this man from the Caribbeans to come to Canada. According to my brother, this poor man is treated like a tenant and is forced to live in her basement. WTF

My dad laughed when he saw my face and told me not to worry, that there's no way in hell he would ever consider getting back with her. I told him good because I'd have to smack some sense into him if he did.

He's 99% positive she's trying to get back with my dad to try and reconcile with me to have access to my daughter. He said he'd rather die than let that happen.

So there you have it. What a shit show, but it was a fun shit show that I did not expect in the least. Thank you all again for all your comments and support. It was so very appreciated.

Relevant Comment:

Commenter: You handled that well. Now just go back to pretending she doesn’t exist. She doesn’t deserve anything different. The best revenge is living well.

OOP: That's exactly the plan! Thank you again for your comments.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

WIBTA if I named my baby the name I want to despite everyone hating it?

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: verbal abuse and manipulation, racism

  Apr 30, 2024

I am expecting my first child in july and am very excited! Me and my fiancé had both a girl and boy name we were very happy with and loved UNTIL We found we were having a baby boy.

After everyone found out we were having a boy they were insisting on knowing what name we had picked out we decided to let close relatives that were asking constantly the name we had chosen and were met with extreme criticism saying our child will be bullied and even my father going as far as saying he would refuse to call the baby by the name we chose and instead call him and "it" and just call him another name he had chosen and my mother taking it into her own hands to find names that she said she would find "acceptable".

It had gotten to the point were i even felt guilty for picking the name and was looking at other more traditional names to keep them happy I enjoy the other names we have chosen but to me thet are just backups and i loved the original name we had chosen much better i still want to name our boy the name we intended but the fall out of doing so seems like so much hassle and will just cause so much unnecessary drama and problems.

My parents heard my back up names and have been referring to him as such since then but it just feels wrong since me and my fiancé loved the name so much. My fiancé disagreed with me and said he still intends on naming him the original name we had planned out i really want to but am honestly scared about the fall out.

So WIBTA if i named my baby the name we originally intended even if my family thinks otherwise?

EDIT: to those wondering the original name we chose was Silas.

EDIT 2: There has been an update posted.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

FififromMtl

Silas is a great name. What names are they suggesting? I’m a name snog and hate made up yewnique names. Silas is old but not dusty . It’s a name that works for life. Tell your parents they can call your child names and bully them and not see them or they can be adults and have time with their grandson.

OOP

They REALLLLY want me to name him Alexander, but i have seen the list she made for me that had Ryleigh, Riot, and Quinn.

  May 1, 2024

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support did not expect my other post to get so much traction but its welcomed still!!

Now to the update i left out some key details in my last post including that my fiancé and I are currently living with my parents to benefit both of us because of rent prices near us and taxes my parents wanted us to stay with them and contribute so that both parties can live more comfortably

Currently i pay for 90% of the groceries and also pay for things here and there that they need aswell as a small portion of rent and gas if they need it. I also contribute to the household and make dinner every night and clean some of the time currently my fiancé has actually picked up the slack and does most chores in the house that pertains to us and even go behind them most times and clean up their messes as well.

So unfortunately the name came up again today and i had to break the news that i would be naming my son Silas i got enough of a backbone to do so and just nicely told my mother that while I like the other names I loved Silas and that i will be going with that name.

I thought it would be easier to tell them now than instead of telling them while they are at the hospital because they would probably get themselves thrown out or would take it even worst than if i were to tell them now than keep it from them.

And well it did not go well to say the least she said it was a stupid name and ugly and that she would not be calling him that and will call him by his middle name instead i told her if she wanted she could call him Si and she said she would flat out not call him that, I should know that when my whole family hates the name i should know better and thats its horrible and would be causing problems. I told her im not going to argue with her and if we were to bring this up again i would just leave and go to my own space. She told me i better leave right now because she was so angry.

Now an hour later i got a phone call from my father at work asking me why im picking at my mother even though i wasn't.

I told him the same thing i told my mother and what he said genuinely shocked me and made me concerned for our current situation.

He told me the name was stupid and if im willing to start this fire than i should be ready for the consequences of my actions, that the name i chose was a SLAVE name aswell as saying hes done his research on the name.

He even went as far as saying this was a choice influenced by my fiance threatening to kick him out and saying "he will end up homeless over this" so now unfortunately we are looking for rentals near us as this is honestly ridiculous and getting out of control.

Any advice is very much welcomed as we are wondering if this is even fixable and for the people that live in Canada any advice on rentals is very much appreciated aswell.

ADDED INFO FROM OOP

If it makes you feel any better, i didn't take what u said offensively the homeless thing really has me worried i cant afford cost of living where I am atm by myself its 1400-1900 a month without utilities and i atm im being drained financially because im not just paying groceries for 4 people but 5 and that's without including a baby soon

I only get paid around 700 a month and that all goes to meal planning for the 5 people that live here and with the very little i have left i pay for gas in order to get to my prenatal appointments and for ultrasounds so i wouldn't have enough for a first times rent or a damaged deposit

my in-laws dont like me either thats why my Fiancé is living with me because of a previous fight with them so i cant go there and i dont really have friends who dont live with their parents either because like i said cost of living is so high its just kinda the norm to live with ur parents.

It wasnt just me struggling financially but my parents aswell  they would be late on bills or have utilities shut off we came to the conclusion that if i stay and pay for some essentials it would make it easier on both of us but they are still using them paying the majority of bills on me amd still using the threat of kicking me or my Fiancé out in any fight even if its a fight about simple things like chores.

To answer some questions this is the absolute healthiest realtionship I've ever been in previously I've had my fair share of bad realtionships i have moved out before when i was much younger because my ex had told me i was doing too much and being emotionally manipulated by my family along with some diffrent alligations but he was 20 and i was 16 at the time and ended up in am even worst situation with him just straight uo abusing me but my current Fiancé is nothing like my father or my ex which is i think why they dislike him so much im in my 20s amd so is he.My parents had me at the same age i am right now. Unfortunately they constantly throw my past mistakes in my face just recently today i was threatened to be kicked out over called my father "bro" we have been looking at rentals since my updated but it takes time amd eight now things have only escalated despite me trying to leave and stop the conversation.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor’s Note: added spaces for readability

AITA for choosing my grandfather to walk me down the aisle instead of my father?

Trigger Warnings: slurs, homophobia, traumatic birth, death of a parent, and verbal abuse

RECAP

- December 20, 2023

I (23 f) I'm engaged to Michelle (25 f). I came out to my father when I was 15 and he showed me a great deal of homophobia. I was miserable and my twin sister (23 f) was there for me.

When I turned 18 years old I left home and cut off my father. My father and grandfather don't have a good relationship because of some things that happened in the past. I don't know what exactly because both of them would change the subject when I used to ask about it.

A few weeks ago I asked my grandfather if he would be willing to walk me down the aisle instead of my father and he accepted. I don't know how my father got wind of it but after five years of no contact he has called me screaming and cussing at me for choosing that in his worlds 'horrible human being' to walk me down the aisle. After he hung up I was in tears. Now I have to ask AITA?

EDIT: My father isn't even invited to the wedding. If you ask where my mother is in all this she tragically passed away because of child birth. The doctor said it was because of a hemorrhage that's why me and my sister were so close to our mother, our mother's side of the family because we wanted to have someone who was close and related to our mother's family.

After I came out my mother's side of the family. After I came out they started being passive aggressive towards me. They never really showed their prejudice against homosexual people. I never saw through the snarky comments and homophobic jokes because I never was in that kind of situation.

The reason why I saw through my father's prejudice is because he used to call me names like w*ore, lustful devil, disappointing child, useless and so much more. I regret not seeing through my mother's family prejudice against me and my fiance.

- December 22, 2023

First of all I want to thank you all for all the support and advice you had given me but I gave good news I found out why my father and grandfather don't talk anymore. I didn't mention it in my last post because I thought it was irreverent but my father(45m) is an atheist and my grandfather is a christian.

My grandfather (75m) was abusive towards my grandmother and father. Now everything made sense.

How did I found out? I met my father at a café when I saw him after 5 years I wanted to cry What shocked me was my father's reaction. He hugged me thitly and started apologizing over and over for his homophobic behaviour and abusive behaviour. He started explaining everything about his and grandfather's fall out. It was an emotional conversation.

At the end of the our meeting I told him i don't know if I would even forgive him. He was understanding and he wouldn't pressure me into forgiving him. I asked him how he found out about my grandfather walking me down the aisle instead of him? He told me it was my sister who told him. He apologized for his reaction. He was extremely angry about the fact that my grandfather would walk me down the aisle instead of him but he said he understands if he wouldn't be invited to the wedding. He also said he would help me with everything I need. I nod and leave.

Now I have to confront my grandfather if he's really an abuser I would cut him out of my life. I cut everyone out who harassed me and my fiance.

RELEVANT COMMENT

llamadrama2021: Don't be so quick to believe your father. He hasn't shown you great integrity in the past. And you need to find out why your sister told your father in the first place. That's a huge breach of trust.

OOP: I want my grandfather's side of the story as well but I don't know how to approach the subject even though I have done so many times in the past.

----NEW UPDATE----

- April 24, 2024

Hey guys. I know it's been a long time but I really needed some time with my wife.

A few months ago I had talked about my decision to let my grandfather walk me down the aisle instead of my father. I'm finely ending a painfully chapter of my. The outcome of my confrontation with my grandfather (76m) was...I can't even describe it.

Everything that my father told me was true. The abuse the manipulation. I decided to cutt off my grandfather. I knew he was a religious man but I didn't expect him to be so cruel to my father.

Oh and the person who ended up walking me down the aisle? My twin sister. I don't think my relationship with my father will ever be as good as and my sister's and I but we're working on it.

Thanks for the support. (I'm sorry for any grammar mistakes from my posts. English is my second language.)

Relevant Comment

Big_Alternative_3233: Did your father come to the wedding?

OOP: Yes he did.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to &

AITA for not wanting to put my future on hold to watch my sister's kids?

Trigger Warnings: neglect, emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior

: May 1, 2024

I'm an 18-year-old female with an older sister, Sarah, 29, who has two children, ages 8 and 4. Most of my childhood was spent taking care of her kids while she went out partying. Now that I'm starting a practical nursing course to boost my university resume, Sarah is asking me to put my future on pause and watch her kids so she can enjoy herself before I leave for university.

Our mom warned me when I was young not to babysit for Sarah's kids because of her attitude. She also said this might be Sarah being jealous because she used to study nursing but dropped out due to bad company and not passing her final exam.

Everything came to a head yesterday when applications for the course opened, and I was talking to our mom about it. Sarah overheard that I applied and got mad, shouting about how selfish I am and how this is the only thing she's ever asked me to do. I told her to stop being childish and that it isn't my fault she had children, and I'm not their mother. The kids have called me "mom" for about two years, even when corrected. Apparently, I shouldn't have said that, as she started yelling at our mom, saying I'm her favorite because if I wasn't, she would tell me to put my future aside and help her with her children.

Our mom told her point-blank that she would never tell any of us to put our future on hold. She said she gave us all the same opportunity, and it's not anyone's fault that Sarah didn't use hers wisely. Now she has children, and I'm going to take my life more seriously. She needs to take responsibility for her children because no one told her to have them, and she can't look after them.

Sarah started crying and left, then our mom started on me, saying she warned me from the very beginning, and I didn't listen. She said I need to stop being a pushover because I lost all my childhood when I was supposed to be outside playing with friends, going out, and just being a kid. I was babysitting like I gave birth. Our mom said it's my fault Sarah became so entitled because when she made plans for me to go out, I would cancel to watch the children. She's not wrong; I would always feel sorry for Sarah because she knew how to manipulate me, just because I don't like to see people suffer or be sad.

Sorry for the long post; I just want to know if I'm the asshole for not putting my future on hold. I do know I'm not putting my future on hold.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Relevant/Top Comments

IllustriousKey842: NTA - Where is the father of these children?

Does your Sister live with you and your mother?

Your Sister needs to stop having kids she can't take care of, and no she isn't taking care of them, YOU ARE.

OOP: So my niece father is working oversea not sure about my nephew father. Yes my sister live with us it normal for us as we live in a family area so everyone is related in some way.

mdthomas: So your sister had children and expects everyone to accomodate her so she can live the lifestyle of someone her age without children.

I told her to stop being childish and that it isn't my fault she had children, and I'm not their mother.

You are absolutely correct. They are her children, she is responsible for providing care. Not you.

NTA

Responsible-End-6371: NTA, but there is a whole lot of truth being laid out here in your post.

First, Sarah is ridiculously entitled. Her children are her responsibility. You are sweet to help her, but you should not sacrifice your own future for her. Sarah is also projecting her own insecurities, because she knows (deep down) that she has made some poor decisions in her life. Instead of facing that and bettering herself, she is choosing to lash out.

Second, your mom seems like a piece of work. That said, there is some truth to what she told both you and your sister. She is right to back you against Sarah's entitled attitude. And even though what she told you was harsh, there is a nugget of truth to it. Your mom likely realized that Sarah has entitlement issues many years ago. She was right to warn you against Sarah's entitlement, though I do think she should have stepped in MUCH earlier that she did. It does seem like your mom needed to step up and defend you, instead of just watching as you sacrificed your life for babysitting.

Regardless, please make sure that you prioritize your future now. NTA

Emotional-Pilot-4811: NTA. Your sister has been making you pay for her decision to be a parent so that she can go out and party.

DO NOT give up your future plans for your sister. Her kids are not your responsibility. Better yet, refuse to watch them unless she pays you.

: May 2, 2024

Thank you for all the support and kind words; it has been eye-opening. So, yesterday, after my sister left crying, she didn't come home immediately; she waited for her kids' school to be dismissed to pick them up. I know I should have expected her to try and poison them against me, but I really wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt that she wouldn't stoop that low.

When they came home, the children were crying; they ran up to me, asking me not to hate them - that broke me. My niece went into a panic attack because when she gets overwhelmed, she starts having panic attacks. I've brought her to a doctor before, and she was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, so it takes a lot of my energy to calm her down, as someone with ADHD as well.

I asked my mom to take the kids to my room, as that's the only place they feel safe when they're overwhelmed. After they were out of earshot, I went off on my sister; I became a little personal with some of the things I said, but here's the gist of it: "When will you grow up? You've had 7 to 8 years to run around, party, and do as you please while I've been raising your children to the point where they call me mom. When will you wake up and be the best mother to your children instead of going out drinking and jumping from one man to another? I'm sick and tired of you; I'm not putting my life on hold for you; I've done enough for you. I love the kids, but as the only sensible role model they have, I doing this to show them it's okay to leave people behind. So, get your shit together and be the best mother you can to those kids because they're amazing. Do you think dealing with two children who have ADHD and are on the spectrum is easy? It's not, but I did do it without any help from anyone, not even mom, because she was always working, and I can't really blame her because my dad passed, and she was the only one there to work and provide for my younger brother and me. So, yeah, I basically raised three kids from age 11 till now, and that's going to change."

I left her in the living room and called Tony and James, my niblings' father; I explained the situation, and I told them it's time for them to be a part of their children's lives, like they can't just send child support because children need their parents for proper development.

Our 34-year-old older brother, Josh, called mom and told her to have me pack my bags and move in with him until my program started. I'm going to write letters for my niblings so their mom doesn't cause any more damage. I've made a list of things they like, how to get them to take their medicine, and how to calm them down; I even have a scrapbook of all our moments for each of them.

I did later explain to them that I'll always love them; I'm worried, even though I taught my niece how to take care of herself and her brother, I don't want a repeat of my upbringing; they deserve way more than that. My mom also apologized for neglecting me and not being a good mom; I've forgiven her. Later, after I helped my niblings with their homework, bathed them, and put them to bed, and started my homework, my sister came into my room, asking if we could talk; I said yes. She apologized, yes, she did; she said she was jealous that I didn't make any wrong decisions, and she's going to send the kids to their father while she gets into rehab and therapy because her behavior isn't normal, and she's going to try to be the best mother she can; she thanked me for everything I did for her and the kids. I was crying at this point; I guess she just realized how hurt the kids are when she told them I hated them and that I was leaving. I told her she's forgiven, but not fully; she has to show me she will change; she hugged me and left. I guess this is a start, even though it's small; it's still a change; let's see how long it will last.

I'm trying to get into therapy, but I'm on a waiting list. The earliest appointment available is in 9 months, which is a start, I suppose. Once again, thank you for all the support.

Relevant/Top Comments

Prestigious_Time_138: Your mom is the real villain in all of this. She let one of her daughters badly exploit the other and then blamed YOU for having been exploited as an 11-year old.

Distance yourself from your psychopathic family and do what’s right for you.

ChenilleSocks: I am really glad that your sister owned up to part of her actions. I hope that she is able to make real change, and this isn’t just her trying to avoid consequences. (Same with your mother, as comments on your initial post said – she did not do right by you, and one apology is not going to fix that. It may be that when you start therapy, the resentment anyone would feel being treated as your mother treated you will come to the surface. Hopefully you can process through it, but you may require some distance from your mother and sister.)

Even when you go forward with your own future, I’m sure you’re going to be an amazing role model for those kids. And they will know that you are there for them and can hear them and see who they really are, since it seems that their mother is unwilling to do so far.

Wishing you all the best in nursing school! I’m glad that your brother is able to house you so that you can put your best efforts toward your degree.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Today's drama begins with , with a gif a man on a beach jogging in place until an attractive woman walks past. Then he follows her. If you're familiar with Reddit, or if you've read the title of this post, you'll know where this goes: several users were not pleased with this man's behaviour, but some brave defenders of the ancient practice of the joggle show up to remind us that there is nothing wrong with either jogging or ogling.

The drama's still developing on this one, with plenty of terrible takes that could pop off into more high-stakes perv drama at any moment.

Highlights

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I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 5th May 2024

- 6th May 2024

AITAH for passing out during a family gathering meant to introduce our new baby?

So, recently I(27F) had a beautiful baby girl with my husband(29M). She's my pride and joy, I love her more than I love myself. But, taking care of her has taken its toll on me. My husband promised the work would be 50/50 when we agreed we wanted children, but I don't feel that's being reflected by his actions this past month.

It's gotten to the point where I can't even ask him to wash her up without him saying something along the lines of, "My paternity leave is short, I want to make the most of it by relaxing a bit. I'll help you out later." And I get it. His paternity leave is only 6 weeks while mine is 16 weeks, but my nether regions hurt like a bitch for a better part of two weeks after the birth and all he could do for me was occasionally burp her.

Now, my baby girl has gotten to a phase where she doesn't want to sleep. She'll sleep for an hour, but then she's up and back to crying and I have to get up and try to soothe her. It's been happening for a week now and I've gotten so little sleep that I'm nodding off while eating or doing tge laundry and stuff. Saturday was the month anniversary of my daughter's birth, so I decided to gather both sides of the family to meet her. (They hadn't met her prior because a)I wanted to rest as much as I could and b)I heard somewhere that you shouldn't be taking babies out and about when they're fresh out the womb cause they're more prone to illness then).

So, we had this gathering at my mother's house and all was well. Everyone was cooing over our baby, there was food, people were catching up or meeting for the 1st time. It was nice. But, I had gotten about 3 hours(generous estimate) of sleep in total the past week and I was starting to feel the effects of it. I was feeling lightheaded and clammy, but I didn't wanna make a scene so I tried to go to a bedroom to lie down. I didn't take 10 steps before my vision completely blacked out.

I wasn't down for long, but I had fallen over which drew some attention. I explained to everyone who was concerned that I was fine and that I was just not getting enough sleep and I could see my husband visibly frown at that. They gave me some of the dessert my aunt made to get my sugar up and the party continued. I felt embarrassed about the whole thing, especially since everyone was still looking over me til we left, but it's whatever

What bothered me is my husband's reaction. When we got home, he started going off on me about how I "made him look bad" and like "he wasn't taking care of me". I was confused on how tf me passing out made HIM look bad, but he refused to explain himself and had a pity party for himself in the kitchen.

I was still feeling bad, so I decided to leave him alone and just to go sleep, but he seems to have taken that as a sign that I don't care about his feelings. He's in my ear this morning about how I just ignored him to go sleep last night and how I didn't even put the baby to sleep before leaving. Is he right? AITAH here?

Update: So I've tried talking with him, but he's been ignoring me and the baby the last three hours. I'd usually wait longer, but I'm just too tired to deal with this right now. You guys were right, I do need help with this, and he's made it very clear he's not ready to help me yet, so I'm just going to go to my mom's place. I'm currently packing. I'm so done.

Comments

sophie_Mal

NTA and I can’t call your husband the names I want to because my comment will be deleted.

Paternity leave isn’t a time to relax, it’s a time you’re helping raise the baby and spending time together as a family. CLEARLY he is not doing either of these things as A. You’d be better rested and B. He’d have noticed you’re exhausted.

You passing out made him look bad because it was clear to everyone that you’re being left to raising your baby alone. It’s clearly not a partnership and the AH you’re married to is turning it onto you to shift responsibility and blame.

You need to seriously reconsider the relationships future and bring this up with him as it all comes down to him and his behaviour. If he gets his shit together, then things will be much better. But if he doesn’t, you and your daughter deserve so much better.

awaythrowers97

He doesn't know what "paternity leave" is and doesn't really want to take care of his family. Sadly, you can't seem to shake that loser.

ArticleOld598

This deadbeat of a father and husband is using his 6 weeks to laze around instead of using it taking care of his wife & child.

OP you said you love your baby more than yourself, would you want to let her grow up and think that it's normal for wives to push themselves while they're sleepless and in pain until they faint & husbands to berate them instead of worrying & taking care of them?

Tell your parents that your husband doesn't help you at all & blamed you for "making him look bad". You know what else makes him look bad? Being a deadbeat father and partner.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 1 day later

Hi all, your comments were really helpful, so thank you!

Yesterday, before I could Uber to my mom's house, my sister offered to help me, so I'm staying with her instead. She's taking PTA to help me out with my girl, which I'm very grateful for. She also gave me sleep medicine that knocked me out for hours (I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not, but I slept long and well so I don't care.)

I woke up a few hours ago to tons, and I mean TONS, of messages from my husband. Like, the little app icon had 99+ on it. Here are some of the things he said(copy pasted):

• You cant just up and fucking leve with my baby

• Come back now pls let's talk abt it

• Your actually so fuvking immature wth is wrong with you we have one argument and you fucking pretend like I've been beating you why the hell did you leave????

• We can work this out like adults yet your choosing to be difficult like a little bitch

• Pls just come back we will talk and sort this out and we can go back to being happy so come back

• I miss my baby girl you can't just take her away

• What if I call the police for kidnapping??? Would that teach you wat your doing is wrong???

I would screenshot, but it says this community doesnt allow attachments, so i can't. And I know it's a bit weird to tell yall what he's been texting me, but I'm mad right now and this feels therapeutic lol. I already sent the screenshots to his mom though!

As for my baby, I have an appointment to a paediatrician for Wednesday, but for now she's on formula since my breast milk quality isn't the best for understandable reasons. My sister said she wasn't as fussy as I described, so I really think the problem is with my milk. That or my sister wanted to make me feel better for sleeping, who knows. I'll wait for the doctor's opinion.

I'm not feeling 100% but I feel a whole lot more better than before. Thank you to everyone who showed concern! I think this will be the last update since I wanna not think too much about my husband rn.

Comments

ZombieJoesBasement

I am sooo glad you left and got some help and rest. You definitely need and deserve it.

I still can't get over your husband's mental gymnastics here. He hasn't been a parent, hasn't helped you at all, and hasn't really spent any time caring for his daughter and only cares about what other people (besides you) think, but "misses his baby girl" and wants you to come back "so we can go back to being happy"?! Sounds like the only person who was happy was him--he got a 6 week vacation and didn't have to lift a finger. Let me guess-you were doing all the cooking and cleaning on top of caring for the baby? From what he is texting you, he thinks he did nothing wrong. He is being deliberately obtuse.

To add insult to injury he calls you a bitch and threatens you with the cops. Lovely. He is a real peach.

I really want to know what his mom has to say. Does she know he was mad at you for passing out?

Efficient-Cupcake247

Because it isn't about love. It is about control and image. Please keep strong. You have done a fabulous job doing what you need to for you and baby. Best wishes

blehguardian

To be clear, kidnapping is not involved. Until a custody agreement is submitted to the court, either married parent is legally permitted to take their child for any reason.

Aggravating-Pipe-903

Damn, this dude is crazy. Hopefully next update it’ll be ex-husband

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Long

Thanks to for suggesting this BORU

- 6th May 2024

- 8th May 2024

(Virginia) Neighbor is on video ripping my eastern redbud sapling out of the ground

TLDR -- (location: VA) neighbor came onto my property -- I have her on video coming from her yard and carrying yard debris, looking around as she goes, walking up to one of my redbud saplings, ripping it out of the ground and breaking it in half a couple of times as she walked back to her property. The tree is very clearly on my property. She was (very clearly) looking to see if anyone was around before she did it. What is "standard procedure" here? How do I get her to replace at least the one tree I have her on video destroying? I'd ask how to not make this living situation awkward, but we're way past that at this point.

Long Version:

I live in Virginia in a neighborhood without an HOA. I bought my house a couple of years ago and there were zero large trees in the yard.

All of my neighbors have very landscaped yards. My house needed renovation, so I haven't done much in the yard other than plant some trees so they had time to get established. In the 2 years I've lived here, I've planted 7 trees in the front yard.

4 of the trees I have planted have been eastern redbud saplings on either side of my driveway. The first pair died over the first winter I was here and then I planted the second pair this past fall.

The most recent pair survived. One was absolutely thriving and the other was struggling but had growth. Between the trees and my neighbors property is my mailbox and the trees have mulch rings.

I say these things because it's not like there's a question of whose property the trees were on or did they look dead (and did the neighbor think they were doing me a favor by removing yard debris).

Three weeks ago, I went out to check the mail and the one closest to my neighbors yard was missing. There wasn't a sapling laying on the ground so it wasn't like an animal chewed it at the base and it fell over. The entire thing was gone but the mulch wasn't disturbed. I even dug into the mulch to try to find the root ball because it was so weird. No root ball.

My partner and I couldn't remember the last time we had seen it and we had friends in town helping with the renovation so it went out of our mind as a weird thing. Partner was convinced it was an animal. I was convinced someone stole my tree.

Tonight, I went out to take the garbage to the road and -- lo and behold -- the 2nd redbud is missing.

I look around for it -- in case it's on the ground and it's not there. Mulch isn't disturbed. Exact same situation as the other one. So I dig down to try to find the root ball and there isn't one. it's only 4ft tall, so not like there'd be a big one to begin with.

I call my partner and let them know. They've been out of town but mention when they left Wednesday morning, they remember checking on the tree. So I go to the video footage.

It was there the morning of the 1st and the morning of the 2nd. The morning of the 3rd....hard to tell. It might be there. It might not. I go through more video from friday and confirm the tree is not there.

So I go back to the 2nd and I start going through the video and around 7pm, I get my answer -- I see my neighbor walk onto my property, carrying yard debris from her yard. She's looking around, and then walks up to the tree, rips it out of the ground, and walks back off to her property snapping the tree in half a couple of times as she goes. If I had to guess, she was carrying the yard debris as a cover "oh I thought it was yard debris and I was just trying to help".

I went back to check to see if I have her on video doing the same thing to the first tree, but the video doesn't go back that far unless you specifically save the video (which I didn't think to do). If I were a gambler, I'd put money on the fact that she did the same thing to the first tree.

I know tree law in VA states that if the trees are on your side you can trim them as long as you don't do it to a point where you kill them, but these trees were very much on my property. The one that she killed recently, it was literally the tree, my driveway, a small stretch of yard (where the 1st tree was that went missing) , my mailbox, and then the neighbors yard.

What is standard procedure here on addressing this with a neighbor? I don't want to get police involved for destruction of property but at the same time, who comes onto someones property and rips their trees out of the ground?

Unrelated -- my relationship with this neighbor has always been wonderful. Like I bake them pies and the give me things from their garden. We bring in packages for each other when fedex inevitably delivers them to the wrong house. There was a windstorm in March that blew a tree from their neighbors yard (two houses down from me) into their yard and I went out with my chainsaw to help cut it up so it didn't just sit.

quick update

So this has gathered far more comments than I expected but I figured there were a couple of things that needed to be addressed.

First -- the video. The video is safe. I have a copy on my phone, personal laptop, work laptop, and have sent it to many, many friends because it's such a batshit situation. We have copies should I need to use it.

Second, tree proximity to property line -- because I was curious, I went out with my handy dandy tape measure to check to see how far the trees were planted from the line. The first tree that was yoinked 3 weeks ago was 6ft from the property line. The second tree that was pulled a few days ago was 22 feet 3 inches from the property line. The only one arguably "close" to the property line was the first one (6ft from the line) and honestly, if she had come to me with a concern about it, I probably would have agreed to move it in the fall when it went dormant and it was safe to do so. Instead she chose tree violence.

Third, "the plan". Because my partner travels a lot, we both own our houses (so neither of us are going anywhere), and because I want to make sure she doesn't retaliate against the other 9 baby trees in my backyard (that's fenced in) or my dog, I've decided to take 's advice to an extent. Basically I'm going to tell them someone vandalized and stole property out of my yard and that I'm going to be going through the video from one of the cameras in the next couple of days and this camera points at the area of the trees.

I'm going to ask them if they've had anyone vandalize or steal their property in the last week or so. Basically giving them the opportunity to fess up and give me whatever lie they come up with on the spot as to why she destroyed the trees. If she owns up to it, I'll ask her to buy me new trees to make it right and then tell her she should not come onto my property and do something like this again without my permission. If she doesn't, in a few days I'll go back with the video and give her another opportunity to make it right. At that point if she still doesn't, then I'll report her for theft and destruction of property and have her trespassed. Because we're not going anywhere anytime soon, I don't want to go completely nuclear in the first round. Hopefully it doesn't get to last bit.

Fourth, she is an avid gardener. She has trees lining the back of her property, trees on the property line she shares with me (close to where the redbud massacre of 2024 occurred), a vegetable garden, so many rose and phlox bushes I've lost count and recently added some new low shrubs near the trees on the back of her property. Her yard is very curated with many shrubs, trees, and flowers -- both deciduous and evergreen. While I could be wrong, I don't think her removing the trees had to do with her being concerned about their leaves. If she were, she'd probably take down one of the two 60 yr old maple trees in her backyard.

Comments

Gh0stp3pp3r

If they are a good neighbor, they would not be trespassing on your property and destroying your tree. Go and directly ask her why she wrecked your tree. If she denies if, say you have video of it, are calling the police and walk away. If you do not put some fear in her over her actions, she will continue it.

If they want to rush over and apologize, then buy you a new tree, then fine. But tell them you no longer trust her on your property.

And I have to add.... WTF? Redbuds are awesome, beautiful trees. Is she jealous? Is she against beauty in nature? Very strange.

Cilantro368

Yes, who doesn’t love a redbud? There is no controversy with them. It makes me wonder what other destructive habits the neighbor has. I’d lock my doors for sure!

SpacemanSpliffLaw

I would sue for the value of all 4 trees plus the time and money wasted for two years of trying to put trees there.

The first two just died? And the second two are ripped out of the ground? Nah. Neighbor killed all four trees for sure.

OOP: I'm a pretty effective plant hospice care worker. I ease them to their death. So the first two dying being my fault is a very, very reasonable assumption.

Trees I killed in two years include:

4 redbuds (these are not including the 2 we know my neighbor destroyed)

3 dogwoods

2 crabapples

2 red oaks

2 crepe myrtles (tbf I didn't try too hard to keep these alive)

1 pawpaw (this one isn't confirmed yet but I accidentally ran him over with the lawn mower so I'm just going to add him to the list...)

I don't necessarily want a relationship with them anymore, but I share a property line with them so I want to make sure things don't get worse.

Update - 2 days later

Okay, so this will hopefully be the final update and there won't be any need to get motion activated sprinklers involved. I'm not ruling them out if this ends up escalating after this post.

Today I worked from my closet because it has a window that just so happens to overlook my neighbors garden and her car was in her driveway so I knew she was home.

Around 1pm she made an appearance so I went out to "check the mail". I waved to her with a big smile and said hello. She said hello and we exchanged minor pleasantries. And then I segued into asking

"Oh hey, have you guys noticed if you've had anything stolen or vandalized in your yard?"

"Oh no. not at all."

"I'm glad to hear it. I've had two trees taken from my yard over the last 3 weeks."

"What do you mean taken from your yard?"

"Well the two redbuds I had at the end of the driveway -- they were saplings and one was by the mail box and the other was by the lamp post. The first disappeared about 3 weeks ago and the second one disappeared sometime after Wednesday last week."

"No, we haven't had anything like that happen."

"That's great. Yeah, I don't know what happened. I'm going to check one of the cameras I have on the property in the next couple of days. It's pointed at the driveway, so it gets clear views of the trees and we'll be able to see what happened. Hopefully it's just animals or something because if someone came onto my property and stole them, I'm going to have to get the police involved for theft."

If I didn't have her attention before, I definitely had it at the last bit because she started asking more clarifying questions about these missing trees -- What kind of trees did you say? And where were they? How big were they?

I answer all of her questions and add on that it sucks because I bought these trees and they had been planted since fall but "Yeah, I guess we will find out what happened in a few days when I have an opportunity to check the video." And that's about the time she says "Oh, That might've been me. I think I thought they were weeds." (For the record — no I do not believe she mistook two 4ft saplings for weeds.)

I let her know that if that's the case, I would like her to replace them. To which she replies that she's not sure but it might've been.

I reassured her that it's okay if she doesn't know. We can wait to resolve this until I view the video because I absolutely do not want her to pay for replacements if she's not responsible.

Y'all. She absolutely did not want me to go to the video.

She asked me what kind of trees again and I told her. She said that if I told her how much they were, she’d pay me back.

And I said “are you sure you don’t want to wait to check the video?”

“No no. I’ll take care of it. Just let me know.”

I pulled my phone up and found comparable redbuds online and we calculated the total that she would owe together. She went inside and gave me cash to get replacements for the redbuds. We stood and chatted for a couple more minutes but I did reiterate that she needed to talk with me before doing something like this in the future and if she see's some weeds that she thinks needs to be pulled on my property to let me know because it isn't fair or right for her to bear the burden of weeding my yard.

And so concludes The Redbud Murder Saga. (I hope)

Comments

KeniLF

Thank you for circling back and for having a link to the original.

People can be so weird sometimes! I would love to know what she was really thinking when she pulled up your trees.

OOP: I really wish I knew!

It's so bizarre. If I hadn't watched the video (on repeat for several hours), I would've thought she was genuine with the concern for the trees and how they were taken from my yard.

So either she really mistook them for weeds and needs a visit to the optometrist or she needs an Emmy for that performance.

Aylauria

She's an accomplished liar. I love how you handled her.

midnightchaotic

You handled that perfectly. Very well done. Much better than my "I would punch her face if she touched my trees" knee jerk reaction. Proud of you. Gonna go call my therapist now...

OOP: I had that reaction too. The only thing that kept me from going feral was the fact that I have to share a property line with her and I don't want her retaliating against my dog

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in and

New update - Original BORU by u/ SharkEva

Content warning - racism

Update note - Team Yang is Winning!

2 updates - Medium/long

- 1st April 2024

- 23rd April 2024

Original

​ 

My (29M) best friend Jess (29F) keeps on mentioning my ex (29F) in front of my fiancée, and I am thinking of cutting her off. I want to know if I am overreacting, or if Jess is in the wrong.

For context, Jess and I went to the same high school and the same college. We were friends in high school. However, since we both went to the same out-of-state college, we became best friends since then. We have always been there for each other during the best and worst times. However, things have always been platonic, and she is more like a big sister to me, who made sure I stay on the right track.

I have only been in two long-term relationships so far. One was with my ex Lisa for 7 years. We met in college and dated all through our college years. Lisa and Jess also became good friends, too. After college, Lisa and I just grew apart and had different goals in life. I became "boring" after college as I was working on my PhD while doing a full time job. Lisa broke up with me as she wanted to party on weekends, while I was home studying. I was heartbroken, but I don't think I ever blamed her or had resentment towards her, as I understood my decisions were selfish and should not hold her back from having the best life.

Jess always stood by me and comforted me during that time. Jess and Lisa were good friends and Jess always kept on telling me that Lisa loves me and will be back one day when I am ready. I foolishly held on to that hope and stayed friends with Lisa. That was until I met my fiancee Yang. After I finished my PhD, I got a nice job in a big tech company. Yang joined our team a year after me. We started going out for drinks, and dinner and we started dating seriously pretty soon. We are happy together, and financially in a great place. Needless to say, I stopped talking to Lisa after I started dating Yang.

I proposed to Yang a year after we started dating and got engaged last year. Jess has been acting weirdly since we got engaged. One of the first things she said to Yang after we got engaged was how I had planned the same thing for Lisa (proposing on a local hiking trail). It was a bit off-putting that she was bringing up Lisa whom I broke up with almost 5 years ago on such a happy occasion. However, Yang asked me to not spoil my mood, as she felt Jess was just commenting on how I had that plan in mind for years.

Since then, every time we meet, Jess without fail brings up Lisa and how the things I am doing are all the things I had planned with Lisa. This happened when we bought a house, planned for vacations, etc. Jess always starts with some nostalgic story and then brings up how Lisa and I were so happy together. She is still good friends with Lisa and keeps giving me updates about Lisa and how great Lisa is doing at work when no one is asking for it. It felt like she was painting a rosy picture of Lisa to Yang and telling Yang that she would always be second to Lisa.

Yang told me Jess's comments bothered her, and I also felt the same. I have brought this up with Jess many times and asked her not to do it. However, she says she will try but since I dated Lisa for 7 years, she would be part of many stories from the past. Also, she asked me why talking about Lisa bothers me and if I still have feelings for her. I have reduced hanging out with Jess. However, she is close with my mom and is always invited to all our family parties and holidays.

I talked to my mom and sister about this and they feel I am overreacting. They feel Jess is just telling stories and since the stories are mostly from college days and later, Lisa will be a character in the story. They also feel I should not be bothered by Jess mentioning Lisa since we broke up a long time ago. I feel that it's disrespectful to Yang as she doesn't need to hear about all the fun Lisa and I had when we were together and how we were planning to get married. Do you think I am the asshole to stop here or Jess is truly acting out of line?

Comments

l3ex_G

Nta I think you need to cut off Jess, she’s being a mean girl to your fiance. You need to also tell your mom and sister of your decision and if they want Jess at events you might have to limit your time with them as well.

Jess has shown you she’s doing it on purpose if you’ve asked multiple times for her to stop and she immediately attacks your reasoning and feelings.

She wants to pretend it’s you not being over Lisa which is another dig at your fiance, when it’s really just Jess is being rude. Jess and probably Lisa need to let the past go. Lisa probably thought she can go have her fun and when she wants to settle with her back up, you would still be waiting. Jess probably helped with this plan and purposely stopped you from moving on with saying Lisa would come back.

OOP: At this point, I suspect Jess is just being mean to Yang. I would have cut her off long ago if she was not so close to me or my family for so many years.

Lisa is out of the picture, to be honest. I have completely gone no contact with her for the last 2 years.

Fairmount1955

Not wrong, in fact it's thoughtful of your finace's feelings.

" Jess always kept on telling me that Lisa loves me and will be back one day when I am ready." - yikes.

An easy: "Jess, you keep bringing up my ex, and keep making comments which are dismissive of my relationship with Yang. I am telling you point blank that this is harming our friendship and it saddens me that you dismiss my feelings as being unimportant on this topic. If you can't respect me, and my relationship with Yang, please understand why it will likely end our friendship."

OOP: We have had this exact conversation. Jess then proceeded to ask Yang is she offended by her telling stories about me. Yang was polite and said she is ok. Then she told me I am being too sensitive.

I know Yang is not comfortable and I would also not be if the roles were reversed and Yangs friends talked about her ex in front of me like that.

Judgement - NTA

Update - 23 days later

I wrote a post a month ago regarding my friend Jess mentioning my ex constantly in front of my fiancée. Thanks to everyone who commented, and how inappropriate it was. However, the last month has been nothing but crazy and I still trying to make sense of what happened so far.

After my post, I decided to talk to Jess and gave her an ultimatum not to speak about my ex Lisa again. I know Jess and Lisa are still friends, but I was uncomfortable of her comparing my fiancée Yang with Lisa all the time. I broke up with Lisa 5 years ago, and she is nothing but a faint memory in my past. Jess kept on defending herself and telling me that I was with Lisa for most of my adult life and it's hard to tell any stories from the past without including her.

She also blamed me for being emotionally childish and just forgetting about Lisa when she was with me for 7 years. Finally, Jess agreed that she will not bring up Lisa in front of Yang, and I should also not treat Lisa as she does not exist since she is still Jess's friend. I informed Yang about our conversation. Although she was appreciative about it, she said I did not need to do it and she knows how much I love her and every time Jess brings up my Lisa, she feels sorry for Lisa that she let a guy like me go.

Yang went to visit China two weeks ago for a month as we plan to get married in her hometown. She is taking care of her shopping as well as preparations for the wedding. Jess invited me to her house that Friday for dinner as I was home alone. I am also good friends with her husband, and we were all just chatting and drinking in the living room. Around 7.30pm, the doorbell rang, and Jess excitedly went to open the door. To my surprise, it was fucking Lisa at the door.

She was all dressed up as if she were ready for a date and came in. I had not seen her in person for almost 3 years and I was shocked to see her. She sat down and started making small talk with me. I was extremely uncomfortable and went into the kitchen to talk to Jess. I was angry at her and asked her what was going on. She kept on telling me that it's been 5 years since the breakup and to get over it and be nice to Lisa.

She said Lisa was excited to meet me and she thought we were all adults and could have one fun evening together. We had a fight and I told her that she should not have invited Lisa after our conversation the other day and I do not want to be friends with her anymore. I went into the living room and politely excused myself and told everyone that I had a work emergency and had to leave early. Lisa looked sad, but I genuinely felt uncomfortable to be made to hang out with my ex without my consent.

I came home and called Yang. I have never seen her more furious, and she told me she is not comfortable with Jess anymore as she has some agenda that we do not know about. It's different to talk about Lisa, but to invite her without consulting is not ok. I also felt the same and I called Jess the next day and told her that she crossed a line, and I was terribly upset with her. I stopped taking her calls and ghosted her. I also told my mom and sister about the whole incident.

Last Sunday, my mom called me for lunch. When I got there, I saw Jess was already there. I told my mom that I do not want to talk to Jess and can't stay. However, she asked me to sit as they all wanted to talk to me. I have a glutton for punishment and decided to hear them out. My mom started with how Jess has been there for me all these years and only has my best interest at heart. She kept on telling me that they are the three people (mom, sister, and Jess) that love me the most.

Jess started saying how she felt that I was making a big mistake in not having to hear what Lisa had to say. She told me that Lisa was my first love and Lisa is now ready to settle down and we can pick where we left off. She reminded me how broken I was when Lisa left me and how life is giving me a second chance. My sister also chimed in and said how they all liked Lisa more than Yang and how we both looked so great together. Finally, my mom started saying how our culture was so different than Yang and it is hard for them to relate to her.

I asked them in what way, and my mom said that they did not understand what Yang says sometimes and have nothing in common with her. Then my mom asked me to think about how Lisa and I would have such wonderful looking kids, while if I marry Yang, our kids will look so different. I started getting their drift and I probed more. My mom told me how our kids would look Asian with "small eyes" and not like any others in the family.

I asked my mom if she cared about my kids looks more and not about how smart they will be since Yang has a PhD. She blew it off, and I realized she just did not want me to marry Yang because she was Chinese and not white. My mom told me to forgive Jess and my mom asked Jess to talk to Lisa on my behalf and asked her if she would be interested in getting back together with me. My mom was adamant that since I loved Lisa so much, I should be happy and pick up things where we left off as that is the best for everyone. I have never been so angry and may have said a lot of unkind things to all of them before I left

I am so depressed right now. I not only lost my best friend, but also am not sure how I can move on from what my mom said. My mom and sister raised me and that is the reason where I am today. However, I cannot get over how racist they are being and how they were just pretending to like Yang all these years while actively working on breaking us up. I have been so shocked that I have not told any of this to Yang so far. I might wait for her to come back next week and talk to her in person.

Again, thanks everyone for all your messages on the last post as they helped me a lot to think through the situation. My life is more fucked up than I could imagine, and I cannot imagine how dejected Yang will feel after hearing all this.

Comments

cthulularoo

Your mom needs to beg and grovel before you take her back. Jess can just go in the trash. She's ignored multiple warnings and crossed so many boundaries, I don't understand why you even talked to her even if it was your mom telling you to.

Its done with jess, its over. She will always make it awkward with her and Yang and you need to protect Yang.

And you have to realize that your mom and sister are racist AF, right? How are you ever going to trust your "tiny eyed" kids to be alone with their racist AF grandma? (kidding about the eyes, I'm Chinese too.)

Just_A_Commenter

You need to make a decision. And it’s not between Yang and Lisa. It’s not even between Yang and your family. It’s whether or not you can tolerate your family trying to manipulate you to suit their own racist understanding of what YOUR life should be like. Your family are the ones who have made the decision to be hateful, narrow minded, self absorbed, and manipulative. You seem to already be doing this, but now is the time to stand up for your future wife and yourself. You are in the right here. Stay strong.

New Update

​ 

​ I wrote a post two months ago regarding my best friend Jess constantly bringing up my ex when talking to my fiancée Yang. I wrote an update two weeks ago about my mom, sister and Jess scheming about trying to get me back with my ex Lisa because they were uncomfortable with Yang being Chinese. They tried to do it when my fiancée was visiting her parents and I felt so betrayed by their actions.

As I said in the previous post, I blew up on my mom and sister about what they said and immediately left. I did not take calls from them or answer texts for the next several days. Their messages initially were anger towards me on why I left before they could finish what they wanted to say. However, I think they realized on day 3 that they might have crossed the line this time and became extremely apologetic. I finally messaged them to leave me alone and not to contact Yang or I until we contact them. Jess did not message me the whole time.

I did not tell Yang about the situation until she came back home 9 days ago. I initially did not know how to bring up the subject, but she sensed something was wrong and asked me about it. I was so worried about hurting her, but I told her about what happened. I was upfront about the stunt Jess pulled and she was angry at Jess. I also told her about my visit to my mother's place, but she did not react with any anger. She just asked me if I was ok.

The next few days were confusing where I was more upset than Yang. She was just excited showing me all pictures and telling me stories. Finally, on last Thursday evening, she opened up and asked me if I was ok about my mom's behavior and what I plan to do. I told her my thoughts and how I cannot forgive them for what they said about her being Asian and them wanting me to marry a Lisa because she was white. I asked her why she was not more upset as it was bothering me.

She told me that when she told her parents about me, they had the exact same reaction for her dating someone who was not Chinese. Her family is very traditional, and her parents were very upset about her decision. It took them a few months to warm up to me and accept me. She never told me about this because she wanted me to have good relationship with her parents. She told me that now they are the most excited doing arrangements for our wedding.

She told me that she has always felt something was off when she talked to my mom, my sister or Jess and they did not like her. My mom and sister would be very friendly with her in front of me, but never invited her for anything when I am not around. She suspected that it may be due to fact that she is not white and does not understand the American traditions. She said she is not upset with them and now that this is in the open, she should talk to them and assure them that she would be as good of a wife as Lisa or any other girl. She said that she does not want to break a family in order to start a new one.

Despite my protests, Yang invited my mom and sister for lunch on Sunday. She said that it would be good for us to talk about everything and hear why they are concerned about her marrying me. I was really not happy with this, but Yang spent most of Sunday morning cooking for them.

When my mom and sister arrived, there were a lot of waterworks and apologies. My mom apologized to Yang and me for her behavior and told us that she would never bring it up again. My sister also was quiet and had tears in her eyes. There were a lot of blame games. My mom and my sister were blaming Jess for constantly telling them how Yang might not be great for me and how she won't fit into our family. My mom and sister fought with Jess after I left and Jess blamed Lisa. Based on Jess's story, Lisa has been depressed for the last few years and when I suddenly got engaged to Yang, it became worse. Jess thought I was also depressed after Lisa left me, because I did not date anyone for 3 years. In reality, I just wanted to focus on my work and studies and never had time. So, Lisa convinced Jess that she has to get back together with me as that is what I wanted too. Jess said how sorry she felt for Lisa as she was her longtime friend and listened to her plan as she thought it was good for everyone.

My mom and sister told us that I should stay away from Jess because she orchestrated the whole situation. They kept on hugging Yang and apologizing to her. Yang in turn also started crying and telling them that she will do better to fit in with them. It was all a big mess. I am still skeptical of my mom's change in heart, but I also want to see Yang happy. However, I think it will take a lot of time and healing before I could truly trust my mom and sister.

Currently, my mom invited us to lunch at her place next week and told me that Jess will not be there. Jess has still not message me or Yang. I really don't know what I can do in this situation. I am still upset and furious at my mom, but I also want to respect Yang's effort to keep the family together. Thanks to everyone for all the messages and supportive comments. It really helped reading them when I was feeling very sad.

Comments

​ 

CulturedGentleman921

Yang is DEFINITELY A KEEPER!!

When your mom and sis see how adorable your kids are, they'll forget all about Lisa completely.

Syiah92

Bro, yang sounds amazing. She is a keeper for sure, all the best with your future, and I hope everything is water under a bridge

Leather-Lab8120

Team Yang is Winning.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by in Thank you, Meg, for letting me repost this!

Yes, 90s and 00s kids: Neopets is still alive and (mostly) well.

trigger warnings: none

mood spoilers: happy and wholesome

- 7 April 2024

This is going to sound like I’m absolutely batty. I’ve accepted my fate.

I made friends with another RP writer on the boards well over a decade ago, and through various usernames they mainly went by Haku (I think they once told me it was a reference to Spirited Away). We ended up writing for years on DeviantArt then Gmail. We went long periods without talking, but one day they fully disappeared. I’ve written once every year or two to check in with no response. We shared some details about our lives here and there, but never a lot. I realized once we lost contact that if something happened to them, I’d never know or get closure.

I finally found my old login to DeviantArt, and they messaged me back in October! Turns out she got locked out of her old email and was trying there as a last-ditch effort. I’m worried it’s too late and they won’t see my response now. But knowing they’re okay has been such a relief.

If anyone reading this could do me the biggest favor of upvoting and/or commenting to get some traction, it would mean the entire world to me to try and find my friend. I don’t know if they’re on Reddit, I don’t even know their real name for sure, but I’d like to try. This friend got me through a lot of dark years and I’ve missed them dearly.

Anyway. Thanks for entertaining a crazy lady on the internet! I hope they eventually see my reply and we can reconnect. 🥰

Mods updated Meg's flair to say "If you're Haku, message me!", and Neopians (Neopets users) rushed to bump the thread

Within hours, :

Meg?????

MEG?????????

I'm Haku. Oh my God I'm so glad you got my message. 😭😭😭😭😭

I missed you so much! I'm so sorry for disappearing. My email got hacked (around the time of one of those big department-store card/info leaks, so I think it was that?), and Yahoo support never responded when I tried to get it back. I tried to message you from a new account, but I couldn't remember if your email had an underscore or a dash or numbers or anything and I sent something to as many variations as I could think of but none of them worked.

I've been checking deviantArt once a month hoping for a reply, but I haven't been on for my April check yet. It's such a wild world that the Neopets sub is what worked!

Thank you everyone for boosting this! It popped up on my home feed and I instantly clicked.

Pardon me while I go cry happy tears for the rest of the night!

- 8 April 2024

Body of original update is a screenshot of Haku's comment

, Meg writes:

I'm still shaking and smiling like an idiot, but I confirmed it's her! I cannot believe this worked lol. I'm so, so grateful to everyone who boosted. We have so much catching up to do, and it's thanks to you guys!!

and ,

Haku here to second the thanks! I honestly don't know what to say except how exuberantly happy and incredibly grateful I am to have my old friend back. THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who boosted and upvoted and got Meg's post to my home feed! I love this community.

Meg's flair was updated to "Finder of Haku" and Haku's is "The River Spirit", a reference to the original character from Spirited Away.

- 28 April 2024

When I reached out to Meg, she also offered one more update via DM since she and Haku reconnected at the beginning of the month:

We’ve been texting ever since we reconnected! We went straight back into writing, and we’re already at over 15k words lol. It turns out we also live about an hour and a half away, so we plan to hang out irl for the first time at some point! I’ve been telling all of my friends about how excited I’ve been, and I’m so happy I reconnected with Haku. I feel insanely lucky that I found her again and still floored that Reddit helped us. I still appreciate it more than I can say.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. This is in violation of a subreddit rule, and is considered brigading.