I am not The OOP, OOP is

My [24M] girlfriend [24F] went way too far pranking her male friend [24M] and now I'm wondering if the pranks are flirtation after all.

Thanks to for suggesting this and for finding the last update

TRIGGER WARNING: assault, emotional infidelity, accusations of infidelity, harassment, physical violence, manipulation, body injuries, verbal abuse

July 2, 2015

My girlfriend of 2 years has had this male friend for a while, his name is Declan and I'm not his biggest fan but I didn't want to impede on the friendship. So she told me last week that Declan pranked her by calling her up and pretending to be Jack Nicholson with one of those soundboards, so she wants to 'get him back.' So as a 'joke' the next time we were over at his place she used his landline to call a sex hotline that charged by the minute and then just left the phone there. Declan gets charged like $200 for it.

So Declan strikes back at her again (at this point they're still just being "goofy" and I don't really mind). He comes over to her place for a party she was throwing, then hides this creepy decapitated doll in her closet. She finds it, freaks out, but then starts laughing.

Now she wants to prank Declan even harder, so she knows he's scared of clowns and she literally makes this giant paper mache clown statue that's hollow on the inside. She wants to put it in his house (apparently his roommate will let her in or something) then hide in it all night and then pop out of it as soon as he notices it.

So, I tell her this seems a little extreme but she does it anyway. Fast forward to that night. I get a call from my girlfriend because Declan apparently punched her in the face as soon as he saw her pop out of the clown thing, totally as a knee-jerk reaction because he didn't know it was her. Her nose wound up getting broken, she had to go to the hospital.

Now she's fine (although she is still wearing a splint) but she wants to continue pranking Declan. At this point should I put my foot down? She is actually getting injured and it makes me wonder if she just likes being around him so much that she is using the pranks as an excuse.

tl;dr: Girlfriend is in "prank war" with her best male friend, is it leading up to an emotional affair?

July 2, 2015 (16 hours later)

Didn't think I'd have to do an update so soon after posting my OP, but here goes.

I talked to my girlfriend about Declan and I told her that the pranks are getting dangerous, and she is unreasonably close to a guy she's only known for such a short amount of time (she refers to him as "her brother" and her "BFF" but it's literally been 5 months).

I thought she would react in a mature way, but instead she said (almost word for word): "This is why I am always pranking Declan. At least Declan has a good sense of humor. I wouldn't even need to hang out with Declan if you weren't so uptight." So, at least now I have confirmation that she hangs out with Declan specifically because she thinks I am not good enough.

We wind up having a screaming match, and the door rings so she goes to get it. It's this guy in a giant gorilla costume, who barges in and starts humping all our furniture. Immediately I assume it's fucking Declan, so I (keep in mind I was already extremely angry) punch him in the face.

He takes off the mask, it's Declan's roommate Chad. Apparently Declan paid Chad $100 to scare us in the gorilla suit as a diversion, because he was right behind Chad. While Chad was humping our furniture, Declan snuck into our bedroom and put ham underneath the mattress cover.

So I tell both of these dudes to get the fuck out and stop pranking us. I thought I was finally standing up to Declan when finally my girlfriend tells me that the prank was "hilarious" and she's going to give me time to cool off. She leaves with Chad and Declan, and keep in mind Chad's nose is still bleeding and he's wearing the gorilla suit.

I haven't heard from her yet today, but I saw her post a picture of a bagel on Instagram this morning so I know she's awake. I still don't know where she slept last night or what happened with Declan.

I want to break up because I'm so angry but weirdly enough I still really love her (I can't help it) and I don't want to waste two years.

tl;dr: Girlfriend's annoying male friend pulled a stupid prank on us, girlfriend got mad at me for not finding it funny and left the apartment with him

July 6, 2015

Well, this is the latest one:

Here. Spread it around! I can't believe I was removed!

For those of you who don't want to read the earlier posts, my girlfriend (now ex) got way too close to her male friend Declan through an infantile prank war, whose roommate Chad facilitated some of the pranks. I also want to say THANK YOU for the helpful PMs and comments of support, I got way too many to reply to all of them, but they were all helpful.

Sorry for updating so late, a lot has happened and it was 4th of July weekend.

The night of my previous post, I broke up with my girlfriend. I told her pretty much exactly what was suggested. I even told her hat I thought her behavior with Declan was already an emotional affair if not a physical one. Not surprisingly, she flipped out at me and told me I was being emotionally abusive and controlling. She told me that every ex-boyfriend she's had has been emotionally abusive and I fall right into that category. ok. lol

Because she's only "kind of" living with me and technically not on the lease (she's just slowly been staying here more often and has a key) it was pretty easy to kick her out. I wasn't sure if she was going to return to her old roommate, who has most of her stuff (her female friend) or if she'd start living with Declan and Chad (his roommate). When I asked her if she was going to move in with Declan, she told me it was no longer my business.

Anyway, so that night I tried to relax...I was pretty upset but pretty sure in my decision to dump her, and I felt like I could start new, meet someone else, etc. Then I got a bunch of random calls on my phone from a restricted number, when I picked up nobody was there. So I turned my phone on silent, figuring this was one of her immature schemes (tbh I still don't know who did it, I'm just assuming her or Declan) and in the morning I had 60 missed calls from restricted numbers.

In the morning I actually got a text from Declan asking to come over to pick up my girlfriend's stuff. So...yes, she moved in with him. I tried to be civil because I really just wanted to get her stuff out of my apartment, but I also wanted closure, so when he got here, I just told him that his relationship with her directly influenced the breakup, and that I know they're together now.

Now, this is where things get weird. Declan looks at me- surprised- and tells me that he doesn't think my girlfriend is into him, and that he definitely isn't into her. I told him to cut the crap, that it doesn't matter anymore. He seemed to be getting anxious and panicky, so I told him to calm down, i wasn't going to hurt him, I just wanted to know the deal. Then he tells me that he knows he directly contributed to our breakup, but not in the way I think--apparently it was Chad, not Declan, who wanted to bang my girlfriend. Chad was too shy and asked Declan to befriend my girlfriend and act as a "wingman." Declan has tons of female friends so Chad thought he would effectively gain her trust and be a good "in". Declan insisted the reason he kept pranking her and being goofy was because he was hoping it would paint their relationship as clearly non-romantic. Apparently Chad paid him back for all the times he had to lose money in a prank, and Chad was actually the one paying for my girlfriend's broken nose.

I told him "Well, that was a stupid plan because my girlfriend moved in with you specifically to be with you, so that sucks for all three of you." Declan got extremely upset and seemed to be practically shaking at the idea that my girlfriend had feelings for him, he was acting like he murdered someone.

So now my girlfriend (well, ex) is living with the guy she has a crush on (who has no feelings for her) and a guy who has a crush on her but was too creepy and weird to say it. I hope they all have fun together.

tl;dr: Dumped girlfriend, she moved in with Declan and it turns out Declan doesn't like her, Chad does.

I'm sure she will contact me again once it dawns on her that the "wrong guy" is interested. I will update you all if that happens.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by in Thank you, Meg, for letting me repost this!

Yes, 90s and 00s kids: Neopets is still alive and (mostly) well.

trigger warnings: none

mood spoilers: happy and wholesome

- 7 April 2024

This is going to sound like I’m absolutely batty. I’ve accepted my fate.

I made friends with another RP writer on the boards well over a decade ago, and through various usernames they mainly went by Haku (I think they once told me it was a reference to Spirited Away). We ended up writing for years on DeviantArt then Gmail. We went long periods without talking, but one day they fully disappeared. I’ve written once every year or two to check in with no response. We shared some details about our lives here and there, but never a lot. I realized once we lost contact that if something happened to them, I’d never know or get closure.

I finally found my old login to DeviantArt, and they messaged me back in October! Turns out she got locked out of her old email and was trying there as a last-ditch effort. I’m worried it’s too late and they won’t see my response now. But knowing they’re okay has been such a relief.

If anyone reading this could do me the biggest favor of upvoting and/or commenting to get some traction, it would mean the entire world to me to try and find my friend. I don’t know if they’re on Reddit, I don’t even know their real name for sure, but I’d like to try. This friend got me through a lot of dark years and I’ve missed them dearly.

Anyway. Thanks for entertaining a crazy lady on the internet! I hope they eventually see my reply and we can reconnect. 🥰

Mods updated Meg's flair to say "If you're Haku, message me!", and Neopians (Neopets users) rushed to bump the thread

Within hours, :

Meg?????

MEG?????????

I'm Haku. Oh my God I'm so glad you got my message. 😭😭😭😭😭

I missed you so much! I'm so sorry for disappearing. My email got hacked (around the time of one of those big department-store card/info leaks, so I think it was that?), and Yahoo support never responded when I tried to get it back. I tried to message you from a new account, but I couldn't remember if your email had an underscore or a dash or numbers or anything and I sent something to as many variations as I could think of but none of them worked.

I've been checking deviantArt once a month hoping for a reply, but I haven't been on for my April check yet. It's such a wild world that the Neopets sub is what worked!

Thank you everyone for boosting this! It popped up on my home feed and I instantly clicked.

Pardon me while I go cry happy tears for the rest of the night!

- 8 April 2024

Body of original update is a screenshot of Haku's comment

, Meg writes:

I'm still shaking and smiling like an idiot, but I confirmed it's her! I cannot believe this worked lol. I'm so, so grateful to everyone who boosted. We have so much catching up to do, and it's thanks to you guys!!

and ,

Haku here to second the thanks! I honestly don't know what to say except how exuberantly happy and incredibly grateful I am to have my old friend back. THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who boosted and upvoted and got Meg's post to my home feed! I love this community.

Meg's flair was updated to "Finder of Haku" and Haku's is "The River Spirit", a reference to the original character from Spirited Away.

- 28 April 2024

When I reached out to Meg, she also offered one more update via DM since she and Haku reconnected at the beginning of the month:

We’ve been texting ever since we reconnected! We went straight back into writing, and we’re already at over 15k words lol. It turns out we also live about an hour and a half away, so we plan to hang out irl for the first time at some point! I’ve been telling all of my friends about how excited I’ve been, and I’m so happy I reconnected with Haku. I feel insanely lucky that I found her again and still floored that Reddit helped us. I still appreciate it more than I can say.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. This is in violation of a subreddit rule, and is considered brigading.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in and

New update - Original BORU by u/ SharkEva

Content warning - racism

Update note - Team Yang is Winning!

2 updates - Medium/long

- 1st April 2024

- 23rd April 2024

Original

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My (29M) best friend Jess (29F) keeps on mentioning my ex (29F) in front of my fiancée, and I am thinking of cutting her off. I want to know if I am overreacting, or if Jess is in the wrong.

For context, Jess and I went to the same high school and the same college. We were friends in high school. However, since we both went to the same out-of-state college, we became best friends since then. We have always been there for each other during the best and worst times. However, things have always been platonic, and she is more like a big sister to me, who made sure I stay on the right track.

I have only been in two long-term relationships so far. One was with my ex Lisa for 7 years. We met in college and dated all through our college years. Lisa and Jess also became good friends, too. After college, Lisa and I just grew apart and had different goals in life. I became "boring" after college as I was working on my PhD while doing a full time job. Lisa broke up with me as she wanted to party on weekends, while I was home studying. I was heartbroken, but I don't think I ever blamed her or had resentment towards her, as I understood my decisions were selfish and should not hold her back from having the best life.

Jess always stood by me and comforted me during that time. Jess and Lisa were good friends and Jess always kept on telling me that Lisa loves me and will be back one day when I am ready. I foolishly held on to that hope and stayed friends with Lisa. That was until I met my fiancee Yang. After I finished my PhD, I got a nice job in a big tech company. Yang joined our team a year after me. We started going out for drinks, and dinner and we started dating seriously pretty soon. We are happy together, and financially in a great place. Needless to say, I stopped talking to Lisa after I started dating Yang.

I proposed to Yang a year after we started dating and got engaged last year. Jess has been acting weirdly since we got engaged. One of the first things she said to Yang after we got engaged was how I had planned the same thing for Lisa (proposing on a local hiking trail). It was a bit off-putting that she was bringing up Lisa whom I broke up with almost 5 years ago on such a happy occasion. However, Yang asked me to not spoil my mood, as she felt Jess was just commenting on how I had that plan in mind for years.

Since then, every time we meet, Jess without fail brings up Lisa and how the things I am doing are all the things I had planned with Lisa. This happened when we bought a house, planned for vacations, etc. Jess always starts with some nostalgic story and then brings up how Lisa and I were so happy together. She is still good friends with Lisa and keeps giving me updates about Lisa and how great Lisa is doing at work when no one is asking for it. It felt like she was painting a rosy picture of Lisa to Yang and telling Yang that she would always be second to Lisa.

Yang told me Jess's comments bothered her, and I also felt the same. I have brought this up with Jess many times and asked her not to do it. However, she says she will try but since I dated Lisa for 7 years, she would be part of many stories from the past. Also, she asked me why talking about Lisa bothers me and if I still have feelings for her. I have reduced hanging out with Jess. However, she is close with my mom and is always invited to all our family parties and holidays.

I talked to my mom and sister about this and they feel I am overreacting. They feel Jess is just telling stories and since the stories are mostly from college days and later, Lisa will be a character in the story. They also feel I should not be bothered by Jess mentioning Lisa since we broke up a long time ago. I feel that it's disrespectful to Yang as she doesn't need to hear about all the fun Lisa and I had when we were together and how we were planning to get married. Do you think I am the asshole to stop here or Jess is truly acting out of line?

Comments

l3ex_G

Nta I think you need to cut off Jess, she’s being a mean girl to your fiance. You need to also tell your mom and sister of your decision and if they want Jess at events you might have to limit your time with them as well.

Jess has shown you she’s doing it on purpose if you’ve asked multiple times for her to stop and she immediately attacks your reasoning and feelings.

She wants to pretend it’s you not being over Lisa which is another dig at your fiance, when it’s really just Jess is being rude. Jess and probably Lisa need to let the past go. Lisa probably thought she can go have her fun and when she wants to settle with her back up, you would still be waiting. Jess probably helped with this plan and purposely stopped you from moving on with saying Lisa would come back.

OOP: At this point, I suspect Jess is just being mean to Yang. I would have cut her off long ago if she was not so close to me or my family for so many years.

Lisa is out of the picture, to be honest. I have completely gone no contact with her for the last 2 years.

Fairmount1955

Not wrong, in fact it's thoughtful of your finace's feelings.

" Jess always kept on telling me that Lisa loves me and will be back one day when I am ready." - yikes.

An easy: "Jess, you keep bringing up my ex, and keep making comments which are dismissive of my relationship with Yang. I am telling you point blank that this is harming our friendship and it saddens me that you dismiss my feelings as being unimportant on this topic. If you can't respect me, and my relationship with Yang, please understand why it will likely end our friendship."

OOP: We have had this exact conversation. Jess then proceeded to ask Yang is she offended by her telling stories about me. Yang was polite and said she is ok. Then she told me I am being too sensitive.

I know Yang is not comfortable and I would also not be if the roles were reversed and Yangs friends talked about her ex in front of me like that.

Judgement - NTA

Update - 23 days later

I wrote a post a month ago regarding my friend Jess mentioning my ex constantly in front of my fiancée. Thanks to everyone who commented, and how inappropriate it was. However, the last month has been nothing but crazy and I still trying to make sense of what happened so far.

After my post, I decided to talk to Jess and gave her an ultimatum not to speak about my ex Lisa again. I know Jess and Lisa are still friends, but I was uncomfortable of her comparing my fiancée Yang with Lisa all the time. I broke up with Lisa 5 years ago, and she is nothing but a faint memory in my past. Jess kept on defending herself and telling me that I was with Lisa for most of my adult life and it's hard to tell any stories from the past without including her.

She also blamed me for being emotionally childish and just forgetting about Lisa when she was with me for 7 years. Finally, Jess agreed that she will not bring up Lisa in front of Yang, and I should also not treat Lisa as she does not exist since she is still Jess's friend. I informed Yang about our conversation. Although she was appreciative about it, she said I did not need to do it and she knows how much I love her and every time Jess brings up my Lisa, she feels sorry for Lisa that she let a guy like me go.

Yang went to visit China two weeks ago for a month as we plan to get married in her hometown. She is taking care of her shopping as well as preparations for the wedding. Jess invited me to her house that Friday for dinner as I was home alone. I am also good friends with her husband, and we were all just chatting and drinking in the living room. Around 7.30pm, the doorbell rang, and Jess excitedly went to open the door. To my surprise, it was fucking Lisa at the door.

She was all dressed up as if she were ready for a date and came in. I had not seen her in person for almost 3 years and I was shocked to see her. She sat down and started making small talk with me. I was extremely uncomfortable and went into the kitchen to talk to Jess. I was angry at her and asked her what was going on. She kept on telling me that it's been 5 years since the breakup and to get over it and be nice to Lisa.

She said Lisa was excited to meet me and she thought we were all adults and could have one fun evening together. We had a fight and I told her that she should not have invited Lisa after our conversation the other day and I do not want to be friends with her anymore. I went into the living room and politely excused myself and told everyone that I had a work emergency and had to leave early. Lisa looked sad, but I genuinely felt uncomfortable to be made to hang out with my ex without my consent.

I came home and called Yang. I have never seen her more furious, and she told me she is not comfortable with Jess anymore as she has some agenda that we do not know about. It's different to talk about Lisa, but to invite her without consulting is not ok. I also felt the same and I called Jess the next day and told her that she crossed a line, and I was terribly upset with her. I stopped taking her calls and ghosted her. I also told my mom and sister about the whole incident.

Last Sunday, my mom called me for lunch. When I got there, I saw Jess was already there. I told my mom that I do not want to talk to Jess and can't stay. However, she asked me to sit as they all wanted to talk to me. I have a glutton for punishment and decided to hear them out. My mom started with how Jess has been there for me all these years and only has my best interest at heart. She kept on telling me that they are the three people (mom, sister, and Jess) that love me the most.

Jess started saying how she felt that I was making a big mistake in not having to hear what Lisa had to say. She told me that Lisa was my first love and Lisa is now ready to settle down and we can pick where we left off. She reminded me how broken I was when Lisa left me and how life is giving me a second chance. My sister also chimed in and said how they all liked Lisa more than Yang and how we both looked so great together. Finally, my mom started saying how our culture was so different than Yang and it is hard for them to relate to her.

I asked them in what way, and my mom said that they did not understand what Yang says sometimes and have nothing in common with her. Then my mom asked me to think about how Lisa and I would have such wonderful looking kids, while if I marry Yang, our kids will look so different. I started getting their drift and I probed more. My mom told me how our kids would look Asian with "small eyes" and not like any others in the family.

I asked my mom if she cared about my kids looks more and not about how smart they will be since Yang has a PhD. She blew it off, and I realized she just did not want me to marry Yang because she was Chinese and not white. My mom told me to forgive Jess and my mom asked Jess to talk to Lisa on my behalf and asked her if she would be interested in getting back together with me. My mom was adamant that since I loved Lisa so much, I should be happy and pick up things where we left off as that is the best for everyone. I have never been so angry and may have said a lot of unkind things to all of them before I left

I am so depressed right now. I not only lost my best friend, but also am not sure how I can move on from what my mom said. My mom and sister raised me and that is the reason where I am today. However, I cannot get over how racist they are being and how they were just pretending to like Yang all these years while actively working on breaking us up. I have been so shocked that I have not told any of this to Yang so far. I might wait for her to come back next week and talk to her in person.

Again, thanks everyone for all your messages on the last post as they helped me a lot to think through the situation. My life is more fucked up than I could imagine, and I cannot imagine how dejected Yang will feel after hearing all this.

Comments

cthulularoo

Your mom needs to beg and grovel before you take her back. Jess can just go in the trash. She's ignored multiple warnings and crossed so many boundaries, I don't understand why you even talked to her even if it was your mom telling you to.

Its done with jess, its over. She will always make it awkward with her and Yang and you need to protect Yang.

And you have to realize that your mom and sister are racist AF, right? How are you ever going to trust your "tiny eyed" kids to be alone with their racist AF grandma? (kidding about the eyes, I'm Chinese too.)

Just_A_Commenter

You need to make a decision. And it’s not between Yang and Lisa. It’s not even between Yang and your family. It’s whether or not you can tolerate your family trying to manipulate you to suit their own racist understanding of what YOUR life should be like. Your family are the ones who have made the decision to be hateful, narrow minded, self absorbed, and manipulative. You seem to already be doing this, but now is the time to stand up for your future wife and yourself. You are in the right here. Stay strong.

New Update

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​ I wrote a post two months ago regarding my best friend Jess constantly bringing up my ex when talking to my fiancée Yang. I wrote an update two weeks ago about my mom, sister and Jess scheming about trying to get me back with my ex Lisa because they were uncomfortable with Yang being Chinese. They tried to do it when my fiancée was visiting her parents and I felt so betrayed by their actions.

As I said in the previous post, I blew up on my mom and sister about what they said and immediately left. I did not take calls from them or answer texts for the next several days. Their messages initially were anger towards me on why I left before they could finish what they wanted to say. However, I think they realized on day 3 that they might have crossed the line this time and became extremely apologetic. I finally messaged them to leave me alone and not to contact Yang or I until we contact them. Jess did not message me the whole time.

I did not tell Yang about the situation until she came back home 9 days ago. I initially did not know how to bring up the subject, but she sensed something was wrong and asked me about it. I was so worried about hurting her, but I told her about what happened. I was upfront about the stunt Jess pulled and she was angry at Jess. I also told her about my visit to my mother's place, but she did not react with any anger. She just asked me if I was ok.

The next few days were confusing where I was more upset than Yang. She was just excited showing me all pictures and telling me stories. Finally, on last Thursday evening, she opened up and asked me if I was ok about my mom's behavior and what I plan to do. I told her my thoughts and how I cannot forgive them for what they said about her being Asian and them wanting me to marry a Lisa because she was white. I asked her why she was not more upset as it was bothering me.

She told me that when she told her parents about me, they had the exact same reaction for her dating someone who was not Chinese. Her family is very traditional, and her parents were very upset about her decision. It took them a few months to warm up to me and accept me. She never told me about this because she wanted me to have good relationship with her parents. She told me that now they are the most excited doing arrangements for our wedding.

She told me that she has always felt something was off when she talked to my mom, my sister or Jess and they did not like her. My mom and sister would be very friendly with her in front of me, but never invited her for anything when I am not around. She suspected that it may be due to fact that she is not white and does not understand the American traditions. She said she is not upset with them and now that this is in the open, she should talk to them and assure them that she would be as good of a wife as Lisa or any other girl. She said that she does not want to break a family in order to start a new one.

Despite my protests, Yang invited my mom and sister for lunch on Sunday. She said that it would be good for us to talk about everything and hear why they are concerned about her marrying me. I was really not happy with this, but Yang spent most of Sunday morning cooking for them.

When my mom and sister arrived, there were a lot of waterworks and apologies. My mom apologized to Yang and me for her behavior and told us that she would never bring it up again. My sister also was quiet and had tears in her eyes. There were a lot of blame games. My mom and my sister were blaming Jess for constantly telling them how Yang might not be great for me and how she won't fit into our family. My mom and sister fought with Jess after I left and Jess blamed Lisa. Based on Jess's story, Lisa has been depressed for the last few years and when I suddenly got engaged to Yang, it became worse. Jess thought I was also depressed after Lisa left me, because I did not date anyone for 3 years. In reality, I just wanted to focus on my work and studies and never had time. So, Lisa convinced Jess that she has to get back together with me as that is what I wanted too. Jess said how sorry she felt for Lisa as she was her longtime friend and listened to her plan as she thought it was good for everyone.

My mom and sister told us that I should stay away from Jess because she orchestrated the whole situation. They kept on hugging Yang and apologizing to her. Yang in turn also started crying and telling them that she will do better to fit in with them. It was all a big mess. I am still skeptical of my mom's change in heart, but I also want to see Yang happy. However, I think it will take a lot of time and healing before I could truly trust my mom and sister.

Currently, my mom invited us to lunch at her place next week and told me that Jess will not be there. Jess has still not message me or Yang. I really don't know what I can do in this situation. I am still upset and furious at my mom, but I also want to respect Yang's effort to keep the family together. Thanks to everyone for all the messages and supportive comments. It really helped reading them when I was feeling very sad.

Comments

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CulturedGentleman921

Yang is DEFINITELY A KEEPER!!

When your mom and sis see how adorable your kids are, they'll forget all about Lisa completely.

Syiah92

Bro, yang sounds amazing. She is a keeper for sure, all the best with your future, and I hope everything is water under a bridge

Leather-Lab8120

Team Yang is Winning.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Wife walked out on me and my daughter two years ago, now she returned and wants to be a family again

Trigger Warnings: depression, spousal and child abandonment

: April 23, 2024

Two years ago, my wife pulled the classic "I'm going to buy some smokes" and just disappeared.

She suffered from depression and I did my best to take the load off her and help her get the help she needed. She would keep saying how she was sick of everything, even our daughter, and again I would give her space and try to accommodate every request.

Then she just disappeared, took some of her stuff and she was just gone. I had gone picking up out daughter at school after work and after we came home she was gone.

Police was involved, but after three days she called her mother saying she was fine but wished for us to not look for her or contact her.

It was hard. Working, raising our daughter as a single father, trying to explain her why mom was gone and not knowing what to say when she asked if mommy would ever be back.

At the same time I appreciated the strong bond I built with my daughter, and that helped a lot.

I never looked into or filed for divorce, but around last year' summer I met a woman, Jill, and we become started an on and off relationship. She knows all about my situation and although we are currently on break, she is still a big help and established a rapport with my daughter as an aunt figure.

I was thinking of getting the ball rolling for divorce when two weeks ago my wife returned. Completely apologetic, but she also seemed to have become a new person entirely: upbeat, propositive, almost with a "glow" to herself.

She popped back in with a "Hey guys, what did I miss?" while after our initial shock, my daughter and I became diffident.

In the last days my daughter has warmed up to her, but I didn't. She tried to initiate intimacy after two nights, but I told her I was not comfortable about it and asked her to move to the guest room, which she did saying she completely understands.

I asked her where she's been the last years, and she pretty much toured around the world (I don't even know with what money) and "found herself". I told her pretty bluntly that I was looking for divorce and that there's already someone else, she said she completely understands if I hate her now (which I don't) but maybe I can give her a chance to make it up to us.

I am torn. I still have feelings for her, and I'm glad my daughter got her mother back, but how can I trust her to not just walk out on us? What I am supposed to do with Jill? "Thanks for everything but my wife is back, so long and thanks for the fish?"

I don't know where to put my head anymore.

Relevant/Top Comments

Veronika9216: I am curious OP, how is Jill reacting to all of this?

OOP: She's giving me time and space to sort this out. Wife tried being friendly with her, but Jill just shut her out.

HAND_HOOK_CAR_DOOR: This is above reddits pay grade.

If you want to pursue being with her you absolutely need a couples therapist.

All Reddit can do is tell you that you’re absolutely right for wanting a divorce.

: May 2, 2024

Hello people. I have read your comments even though I replied very little, but I appreciate your advice and insight. I have an update but I'm afraid it will be a bit disappointing.

My MIL has agreed to take my soon to be ex-wife in, and she moved out without making a fuss. She says she understands but would like to keep a relationship with our daughter. I let her know I am pursuing a divorce, and she took it seemingly well. Her only request is that I don't bar her from our daughter.

She gave me an account of what she's been up to the last couple of years, I am not sure whenever to believe her or not and at this point I don't care. I have contacted a lawyer and we are looking into a smooth and quick divorce. If my ex wife keeps being so cooperative, I think she could have visitation rights, but I am not sure about custody. Perhaps if she demonstrates she can be a safe parent in the future.

Jill and I are not back together. She proposed rekindling our relationship, but right now my priority is my daughter and sorting out my affairs and the divorce. Jill has agreed to give me time, but also asked me to let her know my choice in a reasonable amount of time because she really wants to be with me and my daughter, but neither she can wait forever. I agreed with her.

Now, we get by day by day.

EDIT

Jill is NOT my soon to be ex-wife. She's the woman I had a relationship with after my wife abandoned us and helped me with my daughter.

Relevant/Top Comments

derekthorne: Why are you on and off with Jill? If you like being with her, then be with her. Your ex should NOT be part of that equation.

OOP: It's not about my ex, it's that my daughter is the priority and I feel I can't give 100% to a romantic partner. Jill undestands this, but right now I can't focus on a relationship.

FullyAdjustableFunk: Man that’s a hell of story. I read your original post and it really got to me. What did your MIL have to say about all of this?

OOP: Well, it's her daughter, she loves her even though she is ashamed of her actions.

Veronika9216: Happy to hear you are doing well. Take your time, but in my opinion losing Jill would be a mistake you will end up regretting. She seems very undestanding of your situation and willing to support you in this trying time.

OOP: I don't know. Right now the priority is my daughter. Of course Jill can keep her rapport with her, but I don't think this Is the moment for a relationship.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. Original post by in and

Long post, I have provided comments from original threads, these provide extra information however are not vital for understanding the post and can be skipped. Though, I recommend reading them as they provide more context. Your choice though.

- 22 April 2024

Hey people.

This is a long story, but I’m going to try and condense it as much as possible. Basically about 9 weeks ago my maternal cousin and I both completed an Ancestral/DNA test through one of the popular brands.

My parents are very against these DNA tests (I thought) because they don’t like the idea of giving your DNA to these companies and so have forbidden me from doing them in the past when I brought up the idea. Though, I now know the real reason they were against me doing it.

My cousin (James) got his results first and matched with loads of people saying my mother’s maiden name, as well as other names known within my mother’s family line.

I got my results about a week later and not only did I not match with my cousin, I didn’t match with any of my cousins matches nor did anyone share my mothers maiden name. My dad (and I) have an extremely common surname in my country -think “smith”- and I did match with a few people who shared that name but none were close matches, 3rd-4th cousins being the closest. So I’m just assuming it was because it’s a common surname.

James’ family know he’s done the DNA test and he’s shared the results however I have asked him to keep what he knows about mine between us for a while.

I learnt this about 2 weeks ago and have since come to the conclusion that I am adopted. At first this made me feel really upset, and I thought maybe the DNA tests were faulty but after researching, no I don’t think they are. I think I am just adopted. I have two younger brothers who are 11 and 9 who aren’t adopted because I remember my mom being pregnant with them. So I can’t understand why I was adopted.

I want to know tell my parents know about being adopted, I want to in some ways confront them and ask why they’ve lied to me for so long. But I also want to say I still consider them my only family. James thinks it’s a really bad idea, he says I should just keep it to myself because if I tell my parents I know I’m adopted it could have negative consequences on my relationship with my parents and also could get him into trouble with his parents because he bought me the DNA test and he is very close to my parents.

I’ve said I’ll just tell them I bought the test myself but he says they’ll know because he got his test so recently.

WIBTA if I ignored my cousin and confronted my parents about me being adopted anyway?

END OF POST 1

No verdict flare, not sure why, but most comments seem to be NTA.

Some relevant comments:

Comment thread 1

Commenter:

I can't imagine what you must be going through, realising that you may well be adopted, through a DNA test.

OOP:

I’m 18, but I still live with my parents part time and I live at Uni halls the other time.

Comment Thread 2

Commenter 1:

Have the DNA test done with a different company to double-check results so that your parents can't claim that the first one is in error.

OOP

Yeah, honestly this is a good idea

Commenter 2:

It might be better to tell them about the existing results before you know what the real story is. Right now you're in a gray area, where you have some possibly mixed up information and you're genuinely just asking questions rather than confronting anyone. This gives them a chance to (very belatedly) do the right thing ... or not, which would also be illuminating in a way. You can always seek confirmation and drama later if necessary or desired.

Comment Thread 3:

Commenter

You matched with distant cousins, perhaps a family member fell pregnant at a young age and your parents stepped up as a young couple who were ready to have children?

OOP:

The thing is I don't 100% know they're related to my dad because of how common our last name is. It's likely (imo) that it's just some other people I've matched with that share our name.

Update

  - 4 May 2024

TL;DR at the bottom.

This is a long story, I’m going to try and condense it. I’ve spoken about it before on a different post on my profile if you want more details.

In the past I’ve spoken about wanting to do one of those Ancestry and DNA at home tests, but my parents (or who I thought were my parents) were always against them. They told me because they don’t trust those companies with your DNA, but I obviously know the real reason now.

A while ago my cousin and I decided to buy a test each and I completed mine in secret. I was shocked when not only did I not match with him when we got the results, I didn’t match with anyone who shared a surname with any of my family (except for some matches that shared my dad’s surname, but this is an extremely common surname in my country. Think “Smith” for the USA).

I thought perhaps the test was faulty or wrong, but after some researching I had my doubts that the test was faulty. But just in case I decided to do a second test, with a different company, just in case the first one was somehow wrong. This time I bought three tests, one I gave to my paternal uncle (he’s actually only a few years older than me despite being my uncle) and one I gave to my maternal cousin, and the last one I did myself.

We sent them all off and we got our results surprisingly quickly, about 10 days after we sent them off (yesterday night). But these tests confirmed my suspicions, I’m not related to my family.

And even more, I matched with a woman “49.8% DNA match, predicted parent/child”. Looked on her profile and she was born in 1991 meaning she would have been 15/16ish when I was born. She hasn’t been active on the app for over 6 months.

I’ve written out messages to her to send and then deleted them, I’ve contemplated just saying “hello” but haven’t had the courage to actually send it off. I also could just turn off matches and make my profile invisible, that way she wouldn’t see me if she logged back in again. I could pretend she doesn’t exist and that I never found this out. I have another mom out there that I know nothing about, it makes me feel so anxiously curious.

My parents never told me I was adopted, I feel utterly betrayed by them. I’ve resisted the urge to confront them about it since I got the results back from the first test, but now I know for certain I just want to smash my fists into a wall. I want to scream at them. I hate that they’ve kept this from me for my entire life.

Now the only people who know I know is my uncle and my cousin. I trust that they won’t say anything to anyone until I’ve spoken to people about it.

I feel so lost and confused. Should I message my biological mom? Or pretend she doesn’t exist and turn my profile invisible from her?

TL;DR:

Discovered I'm adopted via DNA kit. Matched with biological mom, unsure whether to message or ignore. Feeling betrayed by adoptive parents. Uncertain about confronting them. Feeling lost and conflicted.

END OF POST 2

Some relevant comments

Comment Thread 1

Commenter:

I'm wondering if there is a possibility she did the DNA test as a vague hope that maybe one day you would use it as a tool to find her and reach out to her. Whether or not she did, the ball is in your court and I think it should stay that way until you are ready to deal with it. Reach out when you are ready. There is no real reason to rush right now, you have time.

OOP:

Yeah, I’m guessing that she did it with hopes that I would also do one one day. I mean, that makes sense. Otherwise you wouldn’t have made your profile public.

Commenter:

There are probably other factors as well, but I would bet you being able to find her was one of them, if not the only one.

Comment Thread 2

Commenter:

I gave a child up for adoption at around same age your bio mum was. Your parents are your parents. They shouldn’t have kept this secret from you, and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that.

OOP:

My parents aren’t infertile because I have younger siblings and I remember my mom being pregnant with them.

Comment Thread 3

Commenter:

You've said that you can make your profile invisible to her temporarily? Then change that later? If so, I would do that.

OOP:

Yes, I’ve done this. I don’t want her to see my profile and thinks it’s an invitation to reach out. Or to get her hopes up that I’m actively searching for her so better she just doesn’t see it. Until I’ve decided what I want to do.

Update 2

  - 8 May 2024

Hey people,

A lot has happened to me since my last post here, and before I start to explain I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented/replied to my OP. It was really helpful and I truly appreciate it. For full context read the other posts on my profile which discuss this situation further.

First things first, I decided to turn my profile private/invisible. I didn't want my biological mom (BM) to see that I had done a DNA test as an invitation to message me. I looked at her profile one last time and it still said "last online 6 months ago" or something like that, so she obviously doesn't check the app regularly. I wrote down information about her (first and last name, birth year, 'past' family names) in case in the future I lose access to the account or if I want to try to track her down and her account disappeared. Though I am hoping that if I do decide to have contact with her in the future, I will just be able to message her on the app. But just in case.

I "confronted" my parents about what I had found out, there was a lot of crying. Especially from my mom, but also from me. I told them how hurt I was that they never told me, and how much it has caused pain and anxiety to find this out on my own and feeling like I was unable to ask them about it.

They apologised to me, they explained to me that they wanted to tell me. They planned on doing it when I turned 8, but they 'couldn't go through with it' because they 'didn't want to hurt me'. They said every year they planned to tell me and every year they put it off. They told me they did it out of love for me, but also out of anxiety that it would change our relationship for the worse.

I explained to them that even if them telling me that I was adopted did hurt me as a child I would have had them there to support me through it. And that now I had found out on my own and felt like I didn't have anyone there to understand what I was going through. They took responsibility for not telling me and for the hurt it caused when I was now.

We hugged, we cried and we forgave each other. Even though I don't agree with them not telling me, I can understand their feelings and why they found it so difficult when I was younger.

After we had finished talking about it they asked me what I wanted moving forward, if I wanted to tell my brothers that I was adopted or just carrying on like nothing happened. I said I no longer wanted it to be a secret and that I wanted them to tell my brothers what they should have told me. I didn't want it to seem like a 'dirty' secret, but simply a fact of who I am and where I came from. I want it to be something celebrated, not feared to be talked about. I wasn't born into this family, but this is my family. And I feel so blessed that I was given the opportunity to become part of this family.

I asked what they knew about my BM, they said not much. They know that she was in foster care when she fell pregnant with me, and that she would have only been 14/15 at the time. She decided she didn't want to keep me but didn't want to have a termination and so I was put up for adoption and that she requested 'no contact' with me. I hope that the situation around my birth wasn't traumatic for her. I know this is a weird thought, but I hope she just got pregnant with me from another person her own age and that I wasn't a product of any abuse. That makes me sad to think about.

Sorry for the long post. Again thank you all for the help and advice you all gave me. I appreciate everything.

TL;DR: Made profile private to avoid contact from biological mom. Confronted parents about adoption, led to tears and apologies. They planned to tell me but couldn't. Agreed to tell brothers, no longer want adoption to be a secret. Grateful for my family. Biological mom was in foster care, gave me up for adoption at 14/15, requested no contact. Hopeful for her well-being. Grateful for support and advice.

END OF POST 3

Reminder, I am NOT OOP, please do NOT comment on original threads or contact OOP.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. A reminder that this sub has a 7 day waiting period, ergo the latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: happy-ish ending

Original : April 28, 2024

I (18F) have my high school graduation ceremony this Wednesday. It was sent to my parents in an email that I will be giving a speech that day as my grades made me valedictorian of my school's class of 2024, and I was excited to do so. My school made us reserve and buy tickets to the ceremony weeks in advance, and I picked mine up on the 26th.

The problem started at dinner when I told my family I picked up the tickets for my graduation day and would keep them with me until the day of just to make sure they don't get lost. My dad told me that he and my sister had plans for an hour before the ceremony, but that my mom would be there the whole time, and that they'd try to be there for the afterparty. I was honestly shocked for a moment, before starting to laugh, assuming they weren't serious.

When I realized they actually weren't joking, I'll admit I was a bit mad. I'm usually a very shy and non-confrontational person, even around my family, but I started yelling at my dad and sister, asking if they were seriously ditching my graduation ceremony. I told them that the afterparty was useless to attend, and that all the pictures of the graduates with their families would be taken at least 2 hours before the ceremony. They said it's fine and we can take our own pictures the day after my graduation, but I got up and left dinner.

Over the weekend, I saw a few people on my class group chat complain that they didn't get enough tickets, so I offered up the two tickets I had, and met up with a girl from my class to give them to her, and even though I told her not to, she actually paid me the original price for them.

When the topic of graduation was brought up by my dad today during lunch, I told him that I gave the other two tickets away and only my mom will be attending, so they shouldn't bother with the afterparty. He got mad and asked why I would do that, to which I replied that I don't see the point in wasting money on tickets if they're not going to use them. My dad blew up on me, saying I'm acting like a spoiled brat, and it's not like I'll die if he and my sister are a bit late to my graduation.

I spoke to a few people about it, my friends and my grandma. My friends said good riddance and if they consider their plans more important, they can have fun. But my grandma said that while she understands my side, I shouldn't have given away the tickets just to spite my dad, because maybe he would have changed his mind and gone on time. So I'm looking for a non-biased opinion. AITA?

Edit for info: the plans my dad and sister have is some sleepover with her and her friend group in the north, around a 2 hour drive from where we live. The parents didn’t want to leave a bunch of under 16 year old girls alone that far, so everyone’s parents are also going for supervision (apart from my mom who is going to be at my graduation)

Relevant Comments:

More on sleepover:

"My sister and her friends are having a huge sleepover and she wanted my dad to go with her even though almost everyone else’s parents would be there to supervise"

"The beaches in the north are the best in our country, so I'm guessing that's why they're going so far. I also told my dad if my sister wants to go she can go with her best friend and her parents, but apparently my sister wanted my dad there too so..."

Don't they have school?

We have 2 weeks off now for Orthodox Easter so they won’t have school until the 6th of May. Also, her friends have older siblings, but they’re not in my grade (the closest to my age graduates next year)

If I were your dad I'd expect to be sleeping on the couch:

My sister has definitely been my dads favorite the past few years tbh (also yes my dad is sleeping on the couch he laid down a bedsheet and everything 😭)

Sister:

"My sister is 15, and yeah she’s always been oddly competitive with me for the past few years especially when it comes to things I do with our parents"

"We’re both his bio kids but she’s definitely always been his favorite for the last couple of years"

What time is the ceremony?

The ceremony starts at around 8pm, but my school wants the families there at around 6 for photos and seat assignments. The after party is around 10 according to the schedule

When was the trip booked vs. the ceremony known about?

The graduation date was announced around February, and from what I’ve heard from my dad and sister I think they started planning her trip with her friends around last week.

On the timing of the event:

Hiii! I also don’t live in the US (Middle East), and in my school the graduation ceremony every year is at night for some reason 😭

My school is a mostly outdoor campus with multiple buildings so they like us to come early for those sunset graduation photos with the surrounding nature :)

Do something fun with the money!

We did! My mom and I drove down to the city and got our favorite burgers (and did some light shopping) with the money instead! 🥰

Why is mom not going nuclear?

"Honestly no, my mom has been going off on him ever since he announced the other plans. She's the exact opposite of me, not non-confrontational at all XD"

"My parents are together yes, but my dad spends the majority of his time focusing on work instead of parenting, and my mom usually takes care of that"

The speech!

Thank youuu! And yes, its definitely a couple of pages long because I have to give it in 2 languages :D

I’m giving the speech in English and Arabic 🤭

OOP is voted NTA

Update : May 1, 2024 (3 days later)

Hey everyone! First of all, I want to thank you for the interaction my original post got, which I ended up showing to my mom; we had a laugh together at some of the comments about my dad, and she wanted me to tell you she appreciated the kind words about her as well.

My graduation was today, so here is an update to my original post a couple of days ago.

Although it was just my mom and I, the day went really well. We took probably a hundred photos together, both with the school photographer and on my mom’s camera. The girl I gave the tickets to, as well as her family, even took photos with my mom and I.

I gave my speech in front of the families of maybe 100+ students (my school has 3 different programs so lots of people), and was even surprised with certificates of excellence in psychology and IT when the time came for me to get my diploma.

As for my dad and sister, my sister has been spamming her social media with videos of the sleepover with her friends, to which I’m honestly unbothered. My friends and I ended up ditching the afterparty anyways, and went for dinner in the city with our parents instead.

Overall, while I’m disappointed my entire family wasn’t there, I’m more than happy with it just being my mom and I, and I honestly feel like I had more fun with her alone than I would have had if the rest of my family showed up.

Relevant Comments:

Did you guys show Dad the thread?

Thank you! My mom and I were having a laugh and she suggested sending him a link to my original post a few hours ago, so I told her to go for it. We’ll see his reaction soon 🤭

What happened?

Let’s just say someone went to stay at his mother’s house last night and we got a call from her reprimanding my mom and I🧍🏼‍♀️

Commenter: Oh dear ! Well, she can keep him then 😆

OOP: No way that’s exactly what my mom told her 😭

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITAH for not doing anything for my step children anymore after being called names and filing for a divorce from my husband after he didn’t back me up?

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, verbal abuse, child neglect and abandonment

: April 8, 2024

I 30F have been married to my 34M husband for 6 years and he has twins, a boy and a girl and they’re 16 now. When we started dating/got married we went to family therapy and I made it clear that I was not trying to be their mother or replace their mother. Their mother hasn’t been in their life since they were about 8.

Things have been great with us these past 6 years. They even started calling me mom when they were around 12/13. Recently their bio mother came back into their lives and they were really excited. Things were great for about 6 months and then they started to call me by my real name, that hurt but it’s what they chose to do and I never questioned it.

Recently they’ve been getting very disrespectful. They don’t follow the curfew rules, they’re not cleaning up after themselves, they’re talking back to me, telling me I’m not their real mom, that I’m the reason she left (which is not true, I didn’t meet him until almost a year and half after she left) that now that she’s back they don’t need me anymore, 3 weeks ago there was a big blow up where my (step) son called me a bitch. I took his phone and told him to his room until his dad came back but instead he ran out and went to his mom’s. She came over and it was a big argument. She tried to hit me and I pushed her out of my house. My (step) daughter told me if I ever put my hands on her mom again then she’d kick my ass. They both went to their mom’s place.

After that, I haven’t been very active. I usually take them to sports and activities, I don’t wake them up for school so they’ve been late a few times. I tell them to have their mom wake them up and take them. We were supposed to go to Disney World for their spring break this week but I canceled everything. I told them and my husband and I guess they thought I was bluffing. We were supposed to leave Thursday night and when I didn’t start the usual vacation round up they were shocked. They started saying I was jealous that their mom came back in their lives, that I’m a horrible person, I’m selfish, there was some name calling and my husband was silent. I asked him if he was going to step in and he said I was wrong for canceling.

I left and went to stay in a hotel. He has been blowing my phone up asking me to come back and yesterday he told me that their mother disappeared again and they’ve been calling me crying and apologizing. I don’t want to do this anymore… I don’t feel like I’m part of their family and they can’t Just cry and come back now that she disappeared. I told my husband that I want a divorce and I’ll be back over this week to get my things but we have nothing to talk about.

Yes, I know their mother was manipulating them. I never said otherwise. Yes, they are 16… that doesn’t give them the right to treat me this way. Being 16 doesn’t mean you get to be disrespectful and threaten me. I have always been in their corner. I know their feelings matter in this but I am also a person with feelings. I am not only considering or moving forward with this divorce based on how the children acted, it is also that my husband did not back me up in this… if I can’t count on him to help me navigate this tough situation that we were all going through… then why should I stay? That does not mean that I should be treated the way I was being treated… that is not normal 16 year old behavior… to threaten me? Call me vile names? I just need time for myself.

And I don’t want an apology just because their bio mother ran out on them again… I want an apology because they really mean it and I don’t believe anyone can be truly sorry 2 days after their mother vanished again. I would never Just abandon them… but I do need time for myself because my feelings were disregarded. Yes I am an adult but I still have feelings that were hurt and need time for myself.

I never asked or expected them to be perfect. I never expected them to be the most mature people but I am allowed to be hurt and take time for myself during all of this. They have feelings and so do I. I love them very much, they are my children but this is a very complicated situation. This is not because “they called me a bitch” I’ve been called worse, I’m a woman. This is ultimately about my husband not backing me up during this situation and yes, I am hurt that they called me that I’m allowed to be… it hurts even worse coming from two people who I love dearly and would never hurt or want any harm to come to them.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

OOP on if she is leaving the marriage because of her stepchildren’s behaviors

OOP: No, I am not bailing on my marriage just because the children are acting the way they do. Did you not read the part where I also said my husband did not back me up? Am I supposed to stay in this marriage where I don’t have any support from him? I don’t know how you were as a teenager but when I was 16 I never acted like this and this is not normal teenage behavior.

OOP on the stepchildren’s biological mother

OOP: She was not back in their life until 6 months ago… I don’t know where you got 3 years from. They were not staying at our place part time. When I said that they went to her place. I mean that she lived 10 minutes down the street and when they got angry, they went to her house.

OOP on her stepchildren being disrespected to her

OOP: I upset them… I will not be apologizing for “upsetting them” when even when they were disrespecting me, I was still in their corner, hoping that their mother and then would have a good relationship. No they don’t have to be adults nor do they have to be perfect but I don’t think it’s too much to ask not to be disrespected and be called a bitch and be threatened when I have done nothing but love them and be a mother to them

OOP on her husband’s behavior being an issue

OOP: Yes, and that’s what I have been saying I know that it’s not the children’s fault. I know that it is their bio Mom’s fault and it’s my husband’s fault for not backing me up. I just need a few days to myself to work through what I’m going through internally. Yes, they are children but what they said did hurt me and I’m allowed to be hurt by it and people telling me that I am not allowed to because I’m an adult is very odd.

: May 1, 2024

Hello, I have been getting a lot of messages asking for an update. I am now in a place to be able to give an update. You can look at my previous post for what this is about.

I went back to the house 2 days ago and my husband and I had a long talk about what happened and how I didn’t feel protected by him and how he knew how disrespectful they were being but didn’t stop anything. He said that he still loved his ex and that’s why pretty much. He didn’t want to do anything for her to leave them again (them as in him and the twins) but that didn’t change how he felt about me… I did not feel comfortable with that. I told him that I’ve been there, not her and how could he still love her and it was very emotional and there was crying and yelling. I made the decision to move along with the divorce.

I spoke to the twins and they cried and said it’s their fault and to forgive them and their dad and not to leave. I told them that as much as I love them, staying with their dad and in this home was not an option but I would still love to have a relationship with them if they want but I am still very much hurt by what happened and would still appreciate a little more time for myself. I let them know that their actions have consequences and they can’t treat people the way they did.

I did move out and I was staying in a unit in one of my rental properties. Exciting news, I bought my first house. It was a fairly quick process. I’m excited for what’s next, I bought my first house ever and next month I am taking a break from work for a few weeks or the whole month … maybe 2 or 3 and doing some exploring of the world and healing and finding myself. I lost myself in the twins and my husband and didn’t really focus on what I wanted and what made me happy. So I bought tickets again for Disney World, I have also made plans to go to Thailand next month and from there… I have no clue. I’m doing some spontaneous trips… I have always wanted to see the 7 wonders of the world. Any way, I am really happy to be getting a break.

I told the kids I would love to have them over for dinner when I get settled in to my new place. I do feel bad about canceling their trip to Disney so I am thinking about funding a trip for them to go this summer for their 17th birthday… Just not with me, I’m excited to be traveling alone and I need the mental break.

That is all really…

Relevant/Top Comments

OOP on funding a trip for the stepchildren

OOP: I have to get out of that position of being a “mom” to them and after reading your comment and a few other comments like it, I will not be funding a trip for them. There definitely needs to be a stronger foundation before I even think about putting down thousands of dollars for them

Actual-Offer-127: Let your husband and their mother that he still loves to fund the trip for them. Please don't be a doormat. You can be there peripherally for the twins but ultimately they're not your responsibility and that would be over stepping.

I still can't get over him saying he still loves the woman that abandoned his kids and him. I wouldn't be surprised if he was having an affair while she was back.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

3 updates - Long

Replaced L with Larry and J with Janet

- 20th April 2024

- 20th April 2024

- 21st April 2024

- 27th April 2024

1 New Update

- 4th May 2024

Aita for refusing to have my dad in my life after he chose his new family?

When I was 13 my dad had an affair and left my mom and moved in with his affair partner who ill call Janet .

At first me and my sister would visit every weekend and I will admit he was a good dad although I never liked Janet .

When Janet got pregnant and had their son our visits became less frequent and my dad was more concerned with his new family. He would miss some of my my recitals or my sisters competitions because he was busy with his son.

When I was 16. Janet decided she wanted to move for a new job opportunity. Me and my sister begged him not to leave us bit he just said "I need to prioritise my family". He moved 10 hours away. That pretty much ended our relationship and I decided to go no contact as it was clear he did not consider me family.

My younger sister stayed in contact with him. He would try and call me and offer for me to come and visit with my sister but I refused. When he came back to see my sister I would refuse to speak to him when he turned up at the house. I didn't invite him to my high school or college graduation.

I'm now 33 and have remained no contact with him, he has over the years repeatedly tried contacting me and getting his family to contact me on his behalf to reconcile. I have avoided family events in case he attended including my sisters wedding and baby showers.

My dad and his family moved back to our home town 3 months ago and he has been relentless trying to reconcile.

I have received messages from my half brother and sister wanting a relationship saying he's a great dad. My dad found out I'm getting married and keeps trying to contact me and has even tried to speak to my fiancé.

Janet messaged me saying I have broke my dads heart repeatedly an I'm a pathetic and should get therapy. I replied back that she was nothing but a home wrecking whore and then blocked her.

Everyone seems to be wanting me to let him back in my life. I'm sick of all the harassment and accidentally bumping into my dad and his family in the town. Whenever I see him I just walk away and refuse to speak to them. Everyone is saying he's a good dad and tried his best to remain in contact but I pushed him away.

Everyone is pressuring me my mom, sister. Grandparents aunts and uncles, even some of my friends. My fiancé has even started saying I'm the AH for shutting him out. Its all starting to get to me so am I aita?

Comments

Zestyclose-Sky-1921

NTA but this is going to be brutal if your fiancé doesn't get on board with your pirate ship. Depending on the size of your hometown and how serious he is about pushing this, you may need to consider moving, especially if everyone around you is involved.

Dry_Sandwich_860

You're allowed to have whatever kind of relationship you want with your father.

Did your fiancé have to deal with being abandoned by your dad? Nope. Your sister was younger than you and may not have felt the loss like you did. You have the right to feel angry and hurt.

Block Janet . This is the woman who pressured your father to leave your town. She had an affair with him that broke up your family. Your father did those things too. Neither one of them has any right to tell you how to react or feel.

Deadbeat parents love to get back in their kids' lives when the kids are adults and no longer need to be parented and things are easy. You should feel totally free to do what is right for you.

Tell everyone else that you no longer want to hear about this. They don't get to dictate how you feel. Whenever anyone brings it up, leave the room or put down the phone. Do not tolerate it and people will learn to shut it.

Update - 8 hours later

Thankyou for all of the comments although most seem to be NTA some were YTA. Some of you gave helpful suggestions which I am planning to take on board.

I have just spoken to my fiancé and unfortunately it has not gone well but at this point in time I've had enough and want to runaway and never come back.

My fiancé knows my history with my dad and Janet . I explained to him that him siding with my father and pressuring me was hurting me and as my fiancé he should be supporting me.

My fiancé who I'll call Larry told me he can't support me in doing something that he knows is wrong. Larry told me that he had spoke to my father and had an understanding of both sides of the story and believes that if we both sit down and talk we can sort this out and reconcile.

I told Larry I don't want this and want no contact and asked why he is even speaking to my father. Larry admitted his father who is friends with my dad encouraged Larry to speak to him and hear him out.

Larry told me my dad loved me very much and always wanted to be in my life and has pictures of me (I'm guessing he got these from my family as my social media is set to private). Larry said my dad is heartbroken at the state of our relationship because I was being unreasonable about him moving away when I was young. Larry stated I got on the wrong foot with Janet and that I was not innocent in the breakdown of the relationship. He told me that everyone can see the truth but me and to look in the mirror because I'm the problem.

Needless to say I broke down crying and asked him why he was doing this to me and not supporting me. Larry claims to love me but won't stand by and watch me be "a heartless bitch".

After he said this I stood up told him that he shouldn't marry a heartless bitch and walked out. I'm currently sat in my car. My phone is blowing up with Larry trying to contact me but I dont want to speak to him. I feel like I'm losing everything and everyone i dont understand what is happening.

Comments

Ladymistery

It's going to be awful for a while don't let them wear you down - because if you do, it'll just get worse. and at least you found out before you married Larry that he is like this. I wish you the best going forward.

Update - 18 hours later

Hi everyone thanks for the comments and letting me sound off on you as I desperately need an outside perspective.

I know a lot of you telling me to cut all contact with my family and leave town. That is not an option for me financially and I would not be able to set up business elsewhere all my money is invested in it and I have only managed to get established recently with steady income relocating is not an option for me. I love my friends and family and don't want to cut everyone off, I love my hometown I grew up here this is my life and I'm not willing to walk away from it.

I didn't expect to write another update this fast but a lot has happened today.

So firstly I agreed to meet my dad to talk and try and get him to back off and leave me alone. I asked my mom to arrange it, just him no one else. I wasn't sure if he would agree to that but within 15 minutes of her calling he was at the door.

I asked my mom to stay and mediate. To summarize the conversation. These are a bit messed up because it's a lot to remember.

Me:

* I asked him to give me space and stop trying to get everyone on his side and let me live my life.

*I told him he stopped being my father when he moved 10 hrs away

*I told him Janet was mean to me and told him about all the horrible things she has said to me over the years.

*I hate how he chose Janet and his new family over me and how he told me he had to prioritise them and how he basically told me I wasn't family

* He was an AH for withholding my college fund and trying to blackmail me and then spending it on his new family

* I hate how I have missed major family events because he attended the events and would make them awkward.

* I don't see his son and daughter as my family and I'm sick of them trying to speak to me and approach me

* he keeps making scenes everytime he sees me and making me look the bad guy

* he keeps inserting himself into my life going to my fiancés family events, going behind my back to talk and sway Larry to his side

* I hate how he cheated on my mom and broke our family up and then listened to Janet who stopped our dates, missed my recitals, reduced contact and was more concerned about his son.

Him

* He loves me and always has he is never going to give up trying to reconnect and he has given me enough space over the years and he is done hearing about my life from 2nd hand knowledge and is not willing to miss any more if it.

* he loves Janet and and can't regret his past because he wouldn't have her or his 2 kids. He wishes he had done it differently and ended his marriage with my mom first.

*his kids are innocent and I shouldn't be taking it out on them they just want to know their big sister

* I was difficult child who was rude and disrespectful to Janet breaking her belongings, calling her names, ruining day outs.

* when Janet got pregnant she was high risk and me coming every week and starting arguments was stressing her out so for her and his sons sake he stopped the weekend visitation. He still spoke to us on the phone and took us out for dinner and days out but just didn't let us sleep over.

* when his son was born he was premature and had health complications which meant him staying in hospital for weeks and frequent hospital admissions. Janet was also going through PPD so he wasn't able to see us as much and had to miss some events when he was taking care of Janet and his son.

* Janet was unable to get a job locally and the opportunity was too good to pass up so they had to move. He pointed out that he came back to town for weekends as much as he could to see us and would always invite us to fly out and spend vacations with him. He phoned everyday but I refused to speak or see him.

* They had flown in for my graduation but I refused to invite him and he lost his temper and refused to give me my college fund. He apologised for this and tried to fix this a few weeks later and give me the money but I refused it. He has not spent the money he still has it and I have only to ask and I can have it. * he had visited me at my college to try and talk to me but I refused to see him.

* He is not going to miss family events

* he makes a scene because he misses me and just wants to talk to me and reconcile but I always end up running way or shouting insults at him and Janet .

* He has been trying for 16years to reconnect but I shut him down at every turn he just wants to be my dad.

* He is old friends with my fiancé dad and he hoped my fiancé could talk some sense into me and open a line of communication.

* he feels I never gave Janet a chance no matter how she tried in the beginning and hoped we could be civil. Janet hates knowing I talk bad about her, am mean to her children and won't speak to him.

He wants:

My dad is in therapy and wants me to join him for family sessions. He wants me to spend time with him 1-1 To stop being rude and mean to his children and spend time with them. Stop trash talking Janet to everyone and actually give her a chance Invite for him and my family to my wedding and to walk me down the aisle.

I want:

Him to stop talking to my friends and getting others to try and talk to me on his behalf Keep Janet away from me completely To be be civil at events or in town providing he does not try and hug me or talk to me.

My mom told him he was being unrealistic with some of the things he wants especially regarding Janet and his other children so we have agreed for now.

I will attend 3 therapy sessions with him when he arranges it. ( my mom thinks I need individual therapy as well) He will stop trying to interfere in my life and relationships He will keep Janet away from me and talk to his kids to give me space. I will be civil to him in public as long as he respects my personal space and does not approach or pressure me.

As for my fiancé - I still haven't spoken to him, he turned up at my moms but she refused to let him in. He keeps blowing up my phone and so does his family and friends telling me to hear him out.

During my conversation with my dad I found out my dad has paid for most of the vendors and services for my upcoming wedding and they have been on speaking terms for quite some time ( longer than I thought). Larry told me his family had paid for these and i believed him. I feel betrayed by him and that I can't trust him. I'm going to have to speak to him eventually but I don't feel ready.

Comments

stoat___king

"I feel betrayed by him and that I can't trust him"

I would argue that you HAVE been betrayed by him. If he is going to side against you over something that is only his business through you, then who else would he favour over you? Janet ? Mutual friends? Randos he meets at the bus-stop? I suppose your dad paying for stuff for your coming wedding is neither here nor there since I have very serious doubts it will happen. I am concerned that your dad isnt seeing your side of this at all. I dont see how you could possibly have been more clear. I wonder if he is even capable of seeing your side.

Update - 6 days later

Firstly I'd like to apologise for taking down my posts. I was really upset and felt under lot of pressure and needed space to think without constant messages. Some of you were trying to be helpful and I appreciate that but some of the abusive messages I received was terrible.

I'm updating for those who have asked for an update and were supportive to me. This will be my last post and I wont be posting again.

Firstly the deal with my dad is off the table. He couldn't even manage a week without overstepping my boundaries. So there will be no therapy sessions with him and I will remain no contact.

As you are all aware after speaking to my dad and agreeing a way forward and my conditions.

Keep Janet away from me Tell his kids to back off Don't pressure me or invade my space

It lasted all of 3 days. Everyone seemed happy I had "forgiven" my dad and told me so. My sister was excited I was willing to give him a chance and with some pressure I agreed to have dinner with just her and my dad.

When my sister and I arrived at the restaurant to meet our dad he was not alone. He had invited Janet , my grandparents his son and daughter. He got up and tried to hug me.

I immediately became upset asking why they were there. My dad told me that if we have any hope of repairing our relationship I had to accept Janet and my younger siblings. I told him he just broke our deal and to never contact me again and tried to leave. He refused to let me leave and grabbed hold of me.

When I say all hell broke loose I mean it. I started shouting at them. My Dad, Janet and grandparents tried to gaslight me and convince me to sit down when that didn't work things got very heated and a shouting match started and a lot of unforgivable things were said by my dad and Janet including remarks about my appearance and calling me a psychopath. My half brother walked out of the restaurant and my half sister started to cry.

My sister actually surprised me and defended me, shouting at my dad for ruining things after all this time when I had finally given him a chance. She even slapped Janet . She got me out of there and apologised to me. I think this was the first time she had really seen how Janet was with me and how she treat me. She kept saying she couldn't understand how dad had spent years saying he would do anything to have me back and then would do this when he finally got his chance to rebuild the relationship.

My dad has been trying to contact me but I have blocked him and refused to talk to him. I have also refused to speak to my grandparents. My dad has tried to convince my mom and sister to speak to me but I think he's burned his bridges with them.

The incident from the restaurant has spread and some people seem to be backing off. Like I said what my dad and Janet shouted at me was unforgiveable and they were overheard and this is a small town. Hopefully people will back off and those who won't Im going to have to cut them out.

My sister is very unhappy with my dad and Janet and not speaking to them. She is blaming them for me going no contact again. My sister is not letting them see her kids. I don't know if my sister will reconcile but right now she is furious. My mom is also furious and apparently had a few choice word with my dad and Janet and has promised she will never pressure me again to speak to him.

I am going to go to individual therapy I think I definitely need it. I do feel bad about my half siblings as they havnt done anything wrong and am maybe open to having a distanced kind of relationship with them in the future but I'm not ready yet or if I'll ever be. I did send them a message on Facebook to apologise and tell them they've done nothing wrong.

Lastly to update you all - in regards to my fiancé well I spoke to him yesterday about everything I had been radio silent since walking out on him.

Basically he was pressured by his father to speak to my dad and was fed a sob story of a misunderstood father desperately wanting to be in his daughters life. Larry had become annoyed with me refusing to attend his family events and walking out of his mother's birthday party when I realised my dad and Janet was there as he was getting pressure from his family about me ruining their events.

He just wanted everyone to be happy and get along clearly at my expense.

Larry admitted my dad had paid for some of the vendors for the wedding but he did not know this until after it was already paid. His father had told Larry that him and his mom had paid. My dad had told Larry it was a gift and his way of contributing. Larry admitted my dad had asked him to speak to me on his behalf.

I told Larry he had betrayed my trust and I couldn't see myself marrying someone who does not support me. He broke down crying and apologising to me and promising to never do it again. Larry was heartbroken and begged for a 2nd chance.

To those of you who wanted me to break up with him, I'm sorry to disappoint you but we are going to try and work through this. Apart from this issue he had been the best partner and I genuinely think that he had been manipulated by his family and my dad. Larry has promised to stand up to his family and go no contact with my dad.

I'm still living at my moms as I still need some space which I wont have if I move home. We are going to contact our wedding vendors and see what our options are next week. Larry is begging for a postponement rather than cancel it altogether. We may still break up as actions speak louder than words and I need to see if he can rebuild what we had and show me I can trust and depend on him.

Comments

Dachshundmom5

My dad has been trying to contact me but I have blocked him

Have you considered changing your number?

Larry has promised to stand up to his family and go no contact with my dad.

I'm not sure I understand how you are so strong with your Dad and Janet and not with Larry? His family will not stop. That's clear. So, your kids can never be left alone with them because that's when your Dad will have playdates with them. There will always be the risk of ambush. Is Larry willing to give up his family? Cause what they did is really disturbingly manipulative and deceitful.

OOP: There's no point changing my number when I've done this before he always manages to get it again.

As for Larry - breaking up is not off the table. I'm giving him a chance to show me he means what he says. I always thought I had a decent relationship with Larry'ss family, but clearly not. I'm not asking him to go NC with them thats for him to decide. I'm certainly going to distance myself from them and any further incidents no contact.

As for any future children if we are still together I won't be trusting them with my children at all

**New Update**

Update 4 - aita for not letting my dad in my life after he chose his new family - 7 days later

Hi everyone I did not plan to make another update at all but I'm still getting messages for an update and thought I would let you know the recent developments.

Firstly I have cancelled the wedding I was able to get some partial refunds but have lost some money. Larry begged me not to cancel the wedding but there was no way I could marry him after what he did.

I was set on giving him a 2nd chance and he promised me he would go low contact and stand up to his parents and issue an ultimatum that we would not tolerate any contact with my dad and Janet . Basically he would tell them we would not attend any event or party if they were invited and we would not tolerate any attempt to force contact or relationship with my dad.

He met with them to explain this to them. When he came back from this meeting he was quite irritable with me and appeared to have had a change of heart to summarize it - he was trying to convince me his family only meant well and that he can't go low contact with his family because he loves them and he can't dictate their friendships. He then tried to convince me it won't be an issue in the future and his father would speak to my dad and tell him to be on his best behaviour in my presence.

As soon as I heard this people's comments went through my head and the main one being if we had children he would take them to his family where my dad and Janet would be and I would have no control over this. At that moment I realised I couldn't trust Larry and never would be able to.

I broke up with him, he is not taking it well and keeps begging me to take him back and that he would go no contact with his family. His family and friends are trying to convince me on his behalf not to end our relationship. He has made his choice and proven to me he is spineless. I don't need him in my life.

In regards to my dad I'm looking into getting a restraining order given what happened in the restaurant I might be able to but i don't know yet a friend of mine is helping me look into this.

My dad has kept a low profile since last week apart from a couple of attempts to apologize to me I haven't heard much from him. My sister still won't speak to him or Janet . Unlike me my sister is highly confrontational and has blasted him and Janet on social media with what happened at the restaurant and things that have happened in the past which I didn't know about.

My sister and Janet had a very public screaming match when she had seen them in town due to my sisters posts and demanding to take them down it ended up with Janet assaulting my sister. My dad apparently sided with Janet in this. My sister now hates Janet and refuses to speak to our dad who is also trying to contact her.

My dad and Janet s reputation seems to have taken a hit and between the incident in the restaurant and my sisters fight with Janet and het numerous Facebook posts about them, People are gossiping. This has worked well for me because some people have backed off which Im happy about unfortunately there are a few people still on his side including my ex's parents.

As for my half siblings there's not much of an update in regards to them.

I've found a therapist however there is a bit of a waiting list before I can start my therapy. I'm still living with my mom who is completely on my side and I have found a kitten and pick her up next week.

Comments

Lost-and-dumbfound

Your ex and his family and your dad and his wife suck ass. Sorry this has all happened to you and I realise as much as Reddit is all aboard the “dump him” train and I do believe it was the best decision, you’re probably still heartbroken and it will take time to heal. Take your time, engage with the block button whenever someone send you an out of pocket message about the situation.

The people who you have removed from your life have no one to blame but themselves

PeakPretty7550

I love the fact the ex claims he can't control his family's relationships, but he's not above trying to control hers..

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Trigger Warnings: rape

Mood Spoiler: honestly just sad all around, but OOP and husband seem to be ok

Original : April 30, 2024

My Husband (42M) and I (36F) have a very solid relationship. We have been together for about 13 years, have no children but are very active on my nephew's (4M) "Mark" life.

For some background: My husband has a child (16F) "Laura" with whom only my MIL and to some degree FIL have a relationship with from his nuclear family. The reason being she was conceived when her Mom poked holes to the condoms. It was a whole drama about it and my MIL begging my Husband to have a relationship with Laura but he simply couldn't, he even had to get psychiatric help in order to be able to cope with it. The Mom admitted she did it so he would stay with her due to responsibility but it did not work. He pays child support because the law mandates it but nothing more.

I didn't hear about this news from my Husband but from my MIL and she emphasized that she liked me a lot and hoped I would be a good enough person and procure a relationship between my Husband and Laura, I was flabbergasted and asked my now Husband about it because my MIL made it seem so different than the truth. He explained he was going to tell me before we moved in together, and to be fair he kind of had already gave me little infos here and there, and explained the whole situation and even told me I could go to therapy with him and see the psych info if I wanted but things were not like my MIL said. His sister confirmed this as well, and explained this issue was the reason she was not as close to her parents anymore.

Things went okeyish for some time and even the wedding went without issues. We all have several boundaries and MIL more or less respects them although she still have constant communication with Laura and her Mom, we have several cycles of very LC with her. But things went to overdrive once my SIL got pregnant with Mark, MIL started telling everybody it was not her first grandchild and all that cryptic stuff, my Husband was so uncomfortable about it.

She pushed for Laura to be involved in Birthday parties, christening, etc. but we all said no. She also invited both of them to her Birthday party a couple times and we simply did not attend.

Now the new issue is that Laura has been so sad for not having the bio Dad in her life. My husband said NO and left immediately, i stayed while grabbing our stuff since I had brought food and told her it was not going to happen.

According to my MIL Laura just wants to know my Husband since he is her real Dad and despite being Ok with her Stepdad it's not the same. She said she will give her our address and contact info because she is desperate for a connection, I told her I would call the police on all of them. I said my SIL will be very upset with her when she hears of this and to not be surprised to get less access to Mark.

MIL called my Husband cruel and me a bad person for encouraging his cruelty towards an innocent child. I told her I understand Laura is innocent but she most likely would not be asking the same if it was a woman who conceived in the same circumstances. AITAH?

EDITI thank you all for your opinions even if you say we are monsters or cruel. I’m trying to keep up but I think I need to clarify some things.

I asked if IATAH not because I want to betray my Husband but because I stand by him no matter what.

The condom did not break and he was very into safe sex, she assured him she was on the pill but he wanted to be safer by using condoms. Yes, she admitted to poking holes when he asked her if she would consider an abortion and if not if they could coparent because he really didn’t want a relationship anymore. She admitted to it, MIL knows all of this. She is not in jail because MIL begged my husband to not report it and he just wanted it all over.

My FIL is like Switzerland now, at the beginning he was up in arms until my SIL asked him if he would feel the same if it happened to her. MIL is on thin ice with SIL since she introduced Mark to Laura on a Zoo outing without consulting SIL first. MIL is not allowed alone time with Mark anymore.

He has to pay child support until Laura is 18 or done with education in the country we live. He already made sure to make a will leaving her the minimum allowed by law since you can’t disinherit children in the country but you can leave them the least amount, MIL is very distraught at this since he had me and Mark as main beneficiaries.

Husband does not want to meet Laura, give her a letter, etc. I am not going to make him do that. I do believe my MIL is pushing harder since Mark was born because my Husband is amazing with him, we even took him on a trip recently and we are very loving towards him. We also spend a bunch on him because we want, we own our place but it’s all in my name for obvious reasons.

I don’t know if Laura knows, but I would never tell her because it is not my place and despite everything I think it is horrible to learn and worse from someone you don’t even know.

AITAH has no consensus bot, but top comments were NTA

Update : May 2, 2024 (2 days later)

I want to thank everybody that took the time to reply even if it was against us, you gave us the push we needed to clear the situation. I am sorry this is long.

I showed my Husband the post and after spending a long time reading the comments he decided enough was enough. Yesterday morning he texted my SIL and MIL telling them he would like to meet and have this over with, MIL said we could do it in the afternoon and that Laura was coming too, we all said OK.

My SIL and BIL met us at the door because they didn't want to go in before us. It was really tense since the beginning, Laura tried to hug everybody but we asked her to please not. Then she tried to hug my Husband and he was slightly less polite and asked her to not touch him. My MIL was very cheerful somehow and my FIL was just offering everybody drinks and snacks, he was like living in his own reality.

We sat down and after what felt like the longest 5 silent minutes of my life my Husband turned to Laura and asked her if she could please leave him alone. Laura responded that he was her Dad and she will need his support when she goes to Uni since she was planning to move to our city and it was very expensive and hard to find a place, she said she knew he own his own place and that he clearly has money to spare so she was wondering if he would help her out. My Husband said no, that he was already paying child support and will stop as soon as the law allows him to.

She was upset but somehow kept going, she turned to me and said that at the end of the day what is my Husband's will go to her since MIL explained the inheritance laws to her and she wanted to be in good terms with me for when we need to decide what to do with the house, etc. I just told her not to worry because the house is on my name only and there is already a will covering it all. MIL knew about the will but not the house situation. Laura was a bit taken aback and looked at my MIL like asking for help.

She said that even if there is no future money she thought my Husband was unfair to her and that she used to think he simply didn't want to be a Dad but he is amazing with Mark and we even take him on trips. My SIL asked her point blank if she knew how she was conceived and she does. Laura knows everything and says that while it was not the nicest way her Mom wanted her so badly that made it happen. She said SIL should understand because she has her cousin and she would love a relationship with him. My SIL was seething and BIL told Laura he will literally call the cops if she tries to get near Mark.

She started crying saying that she wanted her family to love her and be as awesome as everybody is with Mark and that it is not her fault and her Mom is not a bad person she just wanted a family and my Husband denied them that. my Husband said that it was the lying and the deception that costed the relationship not him, that if there was an honest mistake things would have been different. He told her he will never be her Dad and she needs therapy, he said that she could get a job instead of expecting him to pay for her life in the long term and that he is not willing to have contact after today.

MIL started begging both her kids not to go and maybe do family therapy, they both said they are going NC with her and FIL is on thin ice. MIL is blocked everywhere.

I guess this is it. NC with MIL from all of us, SIL and Husband seem actually pretty happy with the decision. We had dinner together and the topic was dropped after a couple minutes and we focused on other stuff. I am sorry there is no Disney ending but this is for the best and I still support my Husband's mental health above all.

Edit:

I think I would like to play a little devil's advocate regarding the money. When Mark was born we started being very active in his life. We have yearly passes to the zoo, get him nice things, pick him up from daycare twice per week, got him to Disneyland Paris, etc. I believe my MIL was showing her pictures and that is why it came out like this. Or at least it is my assumption of it. Her Mom is not poor by any means, but she does have 2 other kids. Our city is very popular for student life which makes it that much expensive.

My Husband and I are not interested in having or not children on our own, we simply are ambivalent about the issue. I know it might have made MIL even more eager to have a relationship with Laura. We were giving her pocket money for some time but we have decided to stop that as well and let her figure things out with her pension alone.

I don't think we will have anything else to update in this case other than if Laura or MIL come around Mark but I highly doubt this will happen. As much as we don't want a relationship with any of them these are a teenager and a pensioner, not criminal masterminds.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in .

This is a long post. Thanks to both and for the recommendation!

A reminder this sub has a 7 day waiting period, ergo the latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warnings: sexual harassment; prescription medication addiction; accusations of infidelity

Mood Spoiler: the pot is stirred- dramatic

Mood Spoiler 2: I labeled this as "lol wtf" in my spreadsheet

Original : April 29, 2024

For context, I (31F) have been with my husband Jay (34M) for 10 years. We met through mutual friends, began dating shortly after, and became engaged after being together for about 2 years. We aren't legally married yet, as we both agreed we wanted an all-out wedding and to travel for our honeymoon, but that ish is expensive, and we wanted to prioritize spending our money on things like our house, our vehicles, medical, and so on. We bought each other matching rings that we wear as if we are married, refer to each other as husband and wife, and present as married socially, we just haven't actually had a wedding. Our families understand this, and since we are both children of divorce, our parents were fine with us not wanting to get married, since their opinion of marriage was somewhat skewed to put it politely. Most of our friends also don't comment on our lack of being officially married, as they either don't care, agree with our logic that there are more important things to spend money on, or are the sort of people who think the point of a legal marriage isn't as necessary as it has been in the past.

Then there's Tricia (28F). I met Tricia through an old job and we got along really well. We enjoyed the same music, food, and had similar opinions on things like movies, books, and clothes. Tricia is a lovely person, and I do genuinely enjoy her friendship, but she occasionally goes through these odd phases where she analyzes the behavior of the men in our social circle. She will present her "theories" to us ladies based on things like social media posts, "odd behaviors" she says she noticed during group barbecues or beach trips, things like that. While I have no problem calling out potential shitty behavior in a friend, the things she deems "suspicious" don't really hold water in my opinion. For example, she's never quite let go of considering a male friend gay, and her "evidence" is that he's a bit of a perpetual bachelor. According to him, his bachelor status is because he's holding out for a girl who doesn't mind his transient lifestyle as a man who has to travel a lot for work and would want to join him rather than wait around at home, but according to Tricia, he must be having gay dalliances across the country and refuses to tell us, even though many in our friend group are gay, out of the closet, and even bring their partners to social events.

Then there's my sweet Jay. Jay has never been a very physically affectionate person, and he is likely autistic, but isn't interested in having a formal diagnosis. He took the RAADS-R (a test to screen for autism in undiagnosed adults) about 4 years ago when he was seeking treatment for chronic migraines, and the results suggested strongly that he may be autistic. Once he got those results back, he sort of got over the idea of "wanting answers" for some of his mental health questions, preferring to just go to therapy and work on finding a good treatment for his migraines. According to him, the RAADS-R was "good enough to solve the mystery" and provided some closure for him. I didn't press the issue, as the idea of getting on his case about a diagnosis he didn't feel he needed seemed unnecessarily harsh to me.

On top of that, Jay loves fishing. When you put these two facts together, hopefully a picture gets painted for you, but I'll clarify anyway. He knows all about the different types of aquatic environments in our area that you can legally fish, when all the different spawning seasons are, what every species eats, how they hunt, and he can even tell what sort of fish is on his hook based on how it feels when he's pulling them in. He can look at a body of water and instantly tell you if fishing will be good that day, and he has never been wrong; it's like living with a fish-based psychic! Since I am an avid lover of seafood, his fishing and pursuit of fish-centric knowledge has only been a boon to me. I can express interest in wanting a fish dinner on Monday morning, and that night, he will bring home and cook up enough fish for us to eat like royalty. He's even excited to catch fish to make into fertilizer for my new rose bushes, since he feels confident he will be able to pull up the perfect "food" for my new roses.

The "suspicious" activity, according to Tricia, is that he often goes on spur-of-the-moment fishing trips by himself, and can sometimes be gone for hours. He will randomly stand up, say something like "Alright. Fishin' time." and give me a kiss before he hits the road. While I would ordinarily agree that something like that could be suspicious, I know factually that Jay isn't cheating, as he always sends me countless pictures and videos while he's on these trips, as well as calling me on the phone when he's particularly excited about a good catch, how he's trying to get uniquely sneaky fish, a cool bird he saw, things like that. Even if he's gone for 10 hours, my phone will be blowing up for all 10 of those hours with pictures of his sunshine smile next to a fish, or videos of him cheering as he shows me what he's got on the stringer (a long, thin rope used to keep fish alive, but attached to your boat, in the water). I adore these pictures, videos, and phone calls, since they make my heart so full with how much joy he feels and how at peace he is on the water. I would join him more often, but I usually stay home since it wouldn't be fair to our dogs if both of us left for undefined amounts of time on a whim. Instead, I find my peace in watching through his eyes, and when he comes home, I'm always happy to get the play-by-play of how the trip went while Jay prepares the fish for us to eat. We even have a game now where he quizzes me on what types of fish he caught, and if I win, I get a big hug!

None of this is good enough for Tricia. For years now, she has had her suspicions about Jay, but I've always brushed them off as I'm secure in my relationship and trust Jay implicitly. When Tricia first brought her "theory" to me, I brought it up to Jay, who was genuinely hurt and asked if I shared in her suspicions and wanted him to go fishing less. I told him no, but that I felt he deserved to know what Tricia was telling people about him. He understood and was willing to let sleeping dogs lie. Over the years, as Jay and I kept on keepin' on, unmarried and in fishy bliss, Tricia became more and more adamant that not only was Jay cheating, but that the reason we weren't married is that he convinced me to wait for an expensive wedding and he would rather continue on cheating during fake fishing trips. Her "proof" was his random trips, the fact that he doesn't physically touch me "a lot" when we are in public, and how "he never let's me go with him". Countless times, I have shown her the giant folder of fishing pictures and videos in my phone, call logs showing how often we're in communication, and told her that I didn't need to have him grabbing on me or dangling off of me in public to feel secure with him. I've brought up our responsibilities as dog owners to not leave them alone for hours on a whim without the ability to relieve themselves outside. I've even told her multiple times over the years that she's more than welcome to ask Jay if she could tag along on a trip and see for herself how committed he is to fishing, but she always refuses. Again, since Jay has been fine with ignoring the drama, I let it slide, up until about a week ago.

Jay was talking about going on a day-long fishing trip with two of our friends, Vince and Maria (who are married) as they had expressed interest in going and saw the trip as a sort of blend between a staycation and a chartered boat trip. Tricia spoke privately with me, saying that I must be happy that Maria is going, since she will be able to ensure that not only Jay can't cheat on me, but that Vince can't cover for him if he tries to. I'd finally had enough, as now she was dragging poor Vince into this and slandering his character, when all Vince had done is agree to a day trip with an old friend. I told Tricia that she needs to either bring her suspicions directly to Jay and hash it out with him, or let it go, because as far as I'm concerned, she's projecting her issues onto Jay since Tricia can't keep a guy longer than three months. While that assessment isn't entirely true, I wanted to hurt her feelings and cut her down to size, since that's my sweet Jay she's dragging through the mud. Tricia not only took it personally, but said that I was just naive and was afraid to be single. I told Tricia that she was projecting again, since she's a serial dater who scares men off with her wannabe Sherlock Holmes nonsense, and she just can't fathom a man with a real hobby because she only goes after half-baked fake gymbros more interested in their own tits than hers and wannabe finance bros who blow their entire paychecks on crypto.

She stopped talking to me after that, and hasn't reached out to me since. Granted, I haven't reached out to her either, but I'm mad at her, because she was rude. Our friend group doesn't really give this entire situation much weight, saying stuff like "that's just how she is" or "what did you expect" or "we know Jay isn't cheating, but he's an exception to the rule, and maybe Tricia just doesn't see that". While I was willing to stand my ground at first and not budge on the issue, now I'm wondering if maybe I was too harsh and should apologize for being petty just because I wanted to knock her down a peg and get her to give up on her "theories".

TL;DR My female friend is convinced my husband is cheating on me because he fuckin loooooves fishing and goes on day trips frequently, and after years of hearing her doubts and showing proof that he's faithful, I snapped at her, insulted her taste in men, and spoke negatively about her dating history.

AITAH and should I apologize, or do I keep all 10 toes in the ground and let her twist?

Relevant Comments:

Top Commenter: First of all, Jay sounds wonderful. Congrats on snagging him, I smiled reading when you were talking about him, very wholesome. Tricia sucks man. Tricia isn't helping anyone, she's actively hurting people's marriages, relationships and friendships, I'd bail on her asap, idk what you see in a person who has put THAT much time into belittling your wonderful husband. I was also a little irked by people in your group chat saying Jay is the exception... how? You said Tricia is always doing this and she's wrong as fuck. Why are you friends with Tricia is fabricating rumors about your friends being gay and your husband cheating on you... like to the point that you told Jay "this is what she's saying about you to people"...like you know she didn't just say it to you, but everyone, and you're still letting this bitch hang around? Gross.

OOP: Hearing it framed this way is a shock I think I needed. I wanted to get defensive at first, but you have a really solid point. Someone else here asked if maybe Tricia is interested in Jay, and I'm going to dig into that, but now I want to dig into this as well. Thank you for your input, it's put a lot into perspective.

Commenter: Also just food for thought. Are you sure she's not spreading rumours about you behind your back? Anyone willing to talk to you behind someone elses back, is willing to talk about you behind your back

OOP: I'm sure she is at this point. Reading the comments here have changed how I view the entire friend group. I'll be speaking with some mutual friends about what they've heard; it's receipt time.

Commenter: My ex posts pictures of her out on the ice all weekend fishing. I love watching her videos and pictures of giant fish she caught in the middle of the night. I still love my ex, but there is no way I am spending a weekend in a tent on a frozen lake.

If he catches a mermaid, then you might be in trouble.

OOP: I'm going to be honest; if he caught a mermaid, he'd either try to get on NatGeo or some kind of fishing show to contribute to icthyology/marine biology, or try to tag it somehow to study it lol he's a true believer in the betterment of aquatic environments and getting the world excited about fishing

Commenter: Nta. It’s my opinion she is stirring stuff up not because she’s projecting, but because she is sad and lonely and can’t abide the sight of others’ happiness. She wants a friend in misery and needs other people to validate her loneliness.

OOP: Thank you for your words; I'm starting to think she either wants someone else to commiserate with in a way we don't do now or something else more sinister.

Commenter: She sounds like a troublemaker who likes to stir the pot. Not sure why you are still friends with her - she clearly likes causing drama.

OOP: Thank you for your input. Seeing many people say similar things is waking me up to some uncomfortable truths.

(Downvoted) Commenter: ESH, you should apologies for the below the belt comment. i’m not saying that you are wrong but…. you didn’t need to go that far. you can be in the right and still be an asshole.

OOP: Yeah, I'm willing to admit I went too far, and there's no excuse for that. Thanks for being honest with me.

There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but a majority of votes were for NTA

Update 1: April 30, 2024 (Next Day)

I wanted to give a small update now before I bring the axe down tonight. This will be shorter, as Jay and I will be going fishing together this afternoon after lunch.

I showed Jay the original thread and we had a heart to heart that lasted until the wee hours of the morning. Firstly, he wanted me to express his appreciation for you all, as well as shoutout his fellow fishing enthusiasts. He encourages you all to get out there and try your best, regardless of your success, and to instead share with him the joy it brings, even if we can't all go fishing together.

After going through all of your beautiful words and generous support, we shared our thoughts on the matter not only as a couple, but as two people with different levels of attachment to the individuals in our friend group. We both agree that we had been holding onto these friendships more out of a sense of nostalgia and a desire to be kind, rather than actually examining what these friends brought to the table and whether or not they enriched our lives. We had been distracted by a desire for community and old bonds, sacrificing our comfort and respect for not only ourselves, but our choice to be together and have a dynamic that some may not view as normal or valid in some capacities. While Jay and I have different views on what certain friends mean to us, we agree that enough is enough, and it's time to not only establish boundaries, but to not give an inch to those who have caused us to come to this, Tricia especially.

That said, Jay is a good man. A strong, whip-smart, generous man, and reading the feedback you all provided made me realize something: I am fucking angry.

I allowed a venomous waste of air around my sweet Jay. My Jay. She slandered him, belittled me, devalued what we have, and I allowed it, like some sort of coward. It's going to end now, and I'm ending it my way. I will not be allowing Tricia to slink away from this or have room to twist words to make me look like anything other that a woman with righteous fury regarding the man she vowed to honor and protect.

I'm sorry to report I will not be taking the high road, nor will I be handling this with tact and decorum. I'm blowing this bitches social life sky fucking high, along with anybody who sides with her. Scorched earth, no prisoners, blood for the blood god.

Update 2: May 1, 2024

I'm going to keep this as brief as possible while still covering it, as there is a lot to cover involving about 15 people, and it's still all hitting the fan. Added the NSFW flair as some adult topics will be mentioned below, including potential SA and drug abuse.

During the fishing trip yesterday, I blocked Tricia on everything and reached out to people to say that Jay and I would be distancing ourselves from Tricia, why we were, and shared what "theory" Tricia had about them if there was one, along with any screenshots or evidence I had of Tricia talking about them. I also asked a few friends who might know if Tricia might be interested in Jay, as some people pointed out that that might have been a motivation for her to get between us.

Here's what's been dug up so far:

• Matt (the friend Tricia alleged was gay) confirmed, again, that he isn't gay. He shared a story about how he, his roommate, and Tricia had a get together at one point where they drank and smoked some weed. During the night, Tricia got handsy and tried getting together with Matt's roommate, who declined. When they sobered up the following morning, Tricia said that it should be fine because "men like that sort of thing". After that, Matt and his roommate weren't comfortable with her and effectively barred her from going to their place. Matt suspects this is the origin of the gay rumor, and he's chosen to step away from the social group to reevaluate some things. I didn't want to press him, so I left it there.

• Vince and Maria have gone dark. Maria believed that Tricia was the victim in all of this, and Vince was vague in his responses and seemed to be taking a more hands off approach, but they stopped responding when another friend sent a screenshot of Tricia alluding to them being swingers because they have a decorative pineapple on their kitchen counter. Neither of them have anyone blocked, but no one can get a response out of them, either.

• One friend got into an argument with his girlfriend after said girlfriend went through his phone because of the drama and found either texts or pics (I don't know which) that, according to her, prove that he's been sleeping with Tricia on and off. I heard this from his brother, who reached out after the girlfriend left a voicemail saying she's kicking the friend out, and the brother wanted to know what was going on. I'm not sure exactly what's happening there, as that friend has also gone dark, and none of us know the girlfriend very well/have her phone number.

• One friend came clean about her struggles with prescription pain meds after her mother lost her battle with cancer because Tricia had been trying to blackmail her into getting dirt on Matt, Jay, and Vince and was using the drug abuse as leverage. Admittedly, a lot of my attention got diverted after this came to light because that's a much bigger problem than my beef with Tricia. We are still working on creating a good way for people to be a support system for her moving forward, and that will be what we as a group will focus on from here on out.

• An old friend of Jay's dropped a nuke by revealing that Tricia tried blowing him in the bathroom during a "Friendsgiving Dinner" we had last year, only to turn around and try to blow a different guy in the bathroom after Chris turned her down.

Jay, some other friends, and I created a new Discord server for all of the friends coming out of this drama against Tricia, and so far, it's just been a lot of comparing dates, texts, and Discord DMs, but it looks like Tricia has been trying to either sleep with or break up every guy in the friend group, as well as either get rid of or get leverage on every girl friend in the group.

Either way, we have bigger fish to fry now. It's time to put this all behind us and help our friend who really needs it. Thank you all for your kind words and helpful advice, even the harsh stuff <3

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Long

- 25th April 2024

- 5th May 2024

My (24f) boyfriend (26m) of 7 years completely ghosted me out of the blue!

It feels completely unreal.

I'm 24, I have been with this guy since I was 17. A quarter of my life and basically my whole adult life! He is the first and only person I slept with.

Nothing happened! We didn't have an argument, we had a great relationship. (at least in my opinion) One day we were cuddling on the couch and the next I can't get a hold of him. He blocked me on everything.

I was so worried at first! My first thoughts were that he was hurt or dead or in a terrible accident.

I only learned from a mutual friend that he basically moved halfway across the country, he is still alive at least. He just doesn't want to talk to me.

It's been 3 weeks now! What do I even do? Do I travel after him? I don't even know where to. Do I give him time?

I hope I'm not appearing like an overly obsessive girlfriend but what the heck? :(

7 years!

I need closure, even if it would be:

• "You are ugly, I never loved you."

• "I have found somebody else."

Anything. Am I expecting too much? I can't just discard 7 years like a used yogurt cup.

Maybe I did something wrong but I don't know what it could be without him telling me. I didn't cheat on him. I have always tried to be kind and caring. :(

I wasn't a financial burden either, I paid for my own things and paid half of everything.

I'm trying to think of all the things I could have done wrong. I had a terrible childhood. I was abused and still have some scars from cutting myself. Maybe he thought I was ugly from the scars or too depressed and sad at times but he still could have told me. I would have understood.

He and our mutual friend both blocked me now and I'm not getting any answers.

I'm just sad and confused and don't know what to do. :(

3 weeks might not seem that long, maybe he'll change his mind.

I just don't know what to do or how to handle this. :(

Comments

_WitchoftheWaste

Honestly all I can say is "what the fuck?!". My heart hurts for you, but the mutual friend blocking you as well has thrown up some "something had to have happened, or thats what hes saying to people" vibes. But really, no amount of cyber stalking him or friends is going to fix this. No amount of begging or all of the things you want to do. If he wanted to give you closure he would have.

And he sucks beyond words for not giving you that if all was well The more you chase answers the crazier you will feel and look- even though you absolutely fucking deserve those answers. Id get a therapist immediately and work on rebuilding your life without him. This will do some damage for sure, so im serious about therapy. Im sorry OP. I wish i could answer what happened for you.

OOP: Thank you so much for your kind words.

At this point it feels like no amount of therapy will make me feel ok. It's probably the best advice but I'm currently in a "starring at the wall" and just asking myself why phase.

I still have my cat to keep me company. She and her butthole in my face are some emotional support at least!

I love her, she's the best.

It has only been 3 weeks. Maybe things will somehow be ok and he'll come back or decides to talk to me. Something must have happened. I just wish I could help him. Whatever it is. Gambling debt. Even if he had an affair. I just wish I could talk to him.

Update - 10 days later

Short summary: My boyfriend of nearly 7 years left me, moved hundreds of miles away and refused to talk to me. Even his parents told me that he doesn't want to talk to me and that they can't force him to. A mutual friend (more his friend) told me the same and then blocked me as well.

I was left confused, alone and sad.

Now, over 4 weeks later, he contacted me again and we agreed to talk face to face at our?/my place.

I'll have to disappoint everyone from the start: No movie worthy Yakuza/Mafia story.

What he told me happened was that he simply panicked and ran away. Apparently I was asking too many questions about the future: if he ever wanted to get married, what he thought about children etc. I also pushed him a lot to finally finish his degree and get a job. (his main source of income are still his parents) He said he just couldn't handle it and saw his life as being over and needed to get away from it all.

Then he started blaming his friend who convinced him that "he was wasting his twenties on just one girl". That same friend apparently also got him a job which is why he moved away hundreds of miles.

That job didn't work out and he got fired after a few weeks. I guess that's why he is back now.

I asked him why he didn't at least talk to me and how hurt and worried I was. He said that he "didn't want to make me cry" and that "he didn't really want to break up". He wanted to prove that he could succeed at that job and then come back to me.

Overall a lot was said, we talked for over two hours but that's the gist of it. He must have apologized like a hundred times, telling me how stupid he was to let his friend influence him.

One kindergarten like logic stuck with me. He said: "We never broke up. I never said that I wanted to break up. We just took a break!"

In my mind that sounded like: "Ha, you didn't say UNO, we're still together!" ..........

He basically promised me heaven on earth if we got back together. Breakfast in bed every morning, he'd do all the chores, what have you. He also swore that there was nobody else, that he slept with nobody else.

In the end he asked if he could stay because he hasn't been paid from that job and used all his money and has nowhere else to go. His parents live too far away and he is on bad terms with that friend who got him the job.

I felt a bit bad but I told him no. That I needed to process and think about everything.

I did however agree to store some of his boxes to free up his car.

So, that's where I'm at now. Sitting alone in my apartment with his boxes. One of them smells really bad, like moldy clothes. Maybe I'll wash those tomorrow for him at least.

Now I need to think about what to do with all of this, what to do with myself. Part of me still loves him. We had so many great moments together before that, he helped me through a lot. He helped me get away from my abusive mother and stepfather. He is the man I wanted to marry, maybe have children with. :(

This is only my side of the story, too. I don't know everything he has to go through mentally. I can understand panicking. I don't know.

I want to thank everyone who took their time to read all of this. It felt good to write it all down. I went no contact with my mother and stepfather and don't have a lot of friends because I'm a bit shy and not that outgoing. I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this. Sorry if it's too long.

Thank you.

Comments

SpecialistAfter511

If the job worked out he wouldn’t have come back.

OOP: That's what I was thinking, too. I also think that there was somebody else but I don't know.

Princess-Pancake-97

If you take him back, what are you going to do if/when he runs away again when things get too real for him? How can you trust him to not leave you at the alter or leave you alone in the hospital with a newborn? What happens if you get sick or injured? Where will he be when things get hard with your potential future children? When things get rocky in your relationship? When there are big life decisions to make together? How can you possibly trust him to not ghost you again? How can you feel secure enough to talk about these things if this is how he reacts?

OOP: I read nearly all the replies here. Thank you so much for your input. I probably needed to hear a lot of the things that were said.

I thought about everything and won't be getting back together with him. The most important argument for me was "What if it happens again? 10 years from now, after we're married or had children?" I wouldn't be able to handle it. And I still don't trust him with everything he said happened (or didn't happen) while he was away.

I will figure something out with the boxes and everything else that needs to be handled and I'll try to set clear boundaries when talking to him in the future.

He isn't all horrible despite how he acted. He saved me from my stepfather and was there for me in the years after. I owe a lot to him but I think that also made me accept things and behaviors I shouldn't have. (even before he left)

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITA for telling my MIL that she’s not going to be in the room when I give birth?

Trigger Warnings: harassment, possible verbal abuse, emotional abuse, transphobia, deadnaming

: April 18, 2024

Before I begin I need to clarify that I’m a trans man, I was afab but transitioned about five years ago.

I (30m) am 38 weeks pregnant with mine and my husband James’ (33m) first child. We had talked about children before I transitioned, and we both said we wanted them. After I transitioned, he asked me if I would be okay with carrying our child, and if I’m not, we could look into other options. I told him I still wanted to carry our child as I always wanted to experience it. I haven’t started T or gotten surgery because I wanted to wait until I had kids. I didn’t mind waiting either. I feel somewhat okay in my body, and whenever I do feel dysphoric, my husband is always there to help me.

When I transitioned, James was and is still very supportive. However, his family did not take it well. They continue to call me by my dead name, along with the wrong pronouns. Whenever James or I correct them, they bring up the fact that I don’t have the right parts, and I don’t look or sound like a man either. It upset me at the start as I had been very close with his family, but now I’ve gotten used to it and do my best to ignore it. James however, can’t get past it, and when someone says something, he ends up arguing with them.

When we told his family that I was pregnant, they were all excited, as this was the first baby born into the family. My MIL especially was very excited and began telling me about different things I needed to do to keep the baby healthy.

As the months passed, I kept hearing comments about me being a mom, even though I made it clear that I want the baby to call me Papa or Dad. I’ve been told that I can’t have a ‘silly’ surgery to remove my breasts because I need them to feed my baby. Also, they’re glad I came to my senses about pretending to be a man.

We found out we were having a little boy, and almost instantly, we picked a name for him. We both love anything to do with space, and we wanted our firstborn to have a space-related name, so we decided that our little boy would be called Leo, after the constellation. My MIL wasn’t happy with that name and started calling him Isaac. James and I corrected her numerous times, telling her that it wasn’t our son's name, but she wouldn’t listen. She got a blanket, a few onesies and a teddy bear with the name Isaac engraved on them. She told us that when we see him, we’ll see that she was right, and we’ll name him Isaac.

We decided to do a hospital birth, and my MIL demanded that she be in the room so she could see her first grandchild being born. Neither James or I want her there, we want it to be a special moment with just the two of us. She wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Last week, we were at their house for dinner, and she began bragging to the rest of the family that she would be there when I had the baby. James snapped and told her she wasn’t going to be there, especially with how she treated me over the past few years with my transition. She got upset and yelled at him about this being an important moment for her, but James wasn’t having it, and they both got into a pretty heated argument.

I had enough and told her to fuck off and take no for an answer, or she wasn’t going to ever see her grandson. She started crying, and I received multiple glares from the rest of the family. James and I left, and neither of us spoke during the ride home, but when he got home, he said he was sorry for how he acted and didn’t mean to upset me. I told him it wasn’t his fault and he had every right to say something. We spent the night cuddled in bed, watching TV and feeling our son kick.

In the last few days, I’ve received numerous messages from people telling me that I shouldn’t have threatened my MIL, that I had no right to do that, and that I should apologize. I’ve even gotten messages from some of our friends who heard the story from James’ sisters.

I replied, saying that she needed to apologize for overstepping and not listening to a word James or I had said. The responses to that weren’t kind, and I haven’t replied. I keep being bombarded with messages, and now James is as well.

Did we go too far? Should we apologize for how we handled the situation? James says no, but I don’t know what to do.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant/Top Comments

Beneficial_Breath232: NTA I won't touch the transition "issue" because even without it, it you were a woman, it would be the same.

She is insisting that the name you have chosen won't be the name of your child, she is refusing to aknowledge your body autonomy for wanting to have a restreint commity when you are giving birth. She is an AH and a justNoMIL.

vance_mason: Until the baby exits your body, this is all about you OP. Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable states that you can be in, so you need to be surrounded by people who support you. Not someone with main character syndrome.

AppeltjeEitje1079: NTA, I can't believe the entitlement of your MIL! She is way out of line: she does not get to decide your child's name, nor does she has the right to be in the room when he gets born! You have an awesome husband! You did nothing wrong, she simply wouldn't listen to your reasonable voice! Good luck and fwiw I think Leo is a beautiful name!

Apr 30, 2024

I want to start off by saying thank you for the support, it really meant a lot <3

Okay, so James went over to his parents a couple days after my post to pick up some things. I don’t know what they talked about, but when he came home, he was pissed and told me that we were never going to see them again. I didn’t argue with him, but later that night, I asked him what happened, and all he said was, “I can’t believe those people are related to me” I didn’t ask anything else and just hugged him tightly.

A few days later, I went into labour. James and I didn’t tell anyone, and we spent the next thirty-four hours together, and when our beautiful baby boy made his appearance, it was just us, just like we wanted, and it was amazing.

I was able to go home two days after I gave birth, and when we arrived home, we found James’ family in our living room. We never gave any of them a key to our house. The only people to have keys are me and James. James was furious and started telling them to leave, but they refused to go.

They tried to see Leo, but James pulled the cover on the baby carrier down, which blocked their view of him. They started yelling, demanding that we show them Leo. James’ mom called Leo Isaac again and said it was her right to see him as his grandmother.

James handed the carrier to me and told me to go to the bedroom with Leo. I didn’t hesitate and left the room. I heard shouting coming from both James and his family. James threatened them by saying he’d call the cops if they didn’t go, and that got them to shut up. About fifteen minutes later, I heard the front door open and close, and James came upstairs.

When he stepped into the bedroom he just broke down. He collapsed onto the ground and sobbed. My heart broke, and I hurried over to him and held him in my arms. He kept apologizing to me over and over, and when I said it was okay, and we’d figure something out, he just kept saying no and apologizing again.

When he calmed himself down, he told me he just wanted his family to be happy for him, to love him, and to respect him. He kept thinking of what he did wrong to make them feel this way, and the longer he did that, he began to get upset again. I stopped him and firmly told him that he didn’t need them. That his family was right here. That me and Leo aren’t going anywhere and will always love him. We spent the rest of the day in bed talking about what to do, with Leo between us.

Since that day, we’ve been in contact with the police, and they’ve been so helpful and kind about our situation. It’s been hard on James, but he knows it’s best for us not to contact them anymore. We hope this will be done soon, and we can put it behind us and focus on the future.

But for now, we’re enjoying being a family of three and doting on our little boy every chance we get <3

Relevant/Top Comments

Beneficial_Breath232: Good for you OP !! Don't forget to change the locks of your home, and lose the contact info of your husband's familly

OOP: Thank you! Already done! Got them changed the day after we got home

Trick_Parsley_3077: Congrats on your Baby Boy, may you, husband and Leo be happy and healthy in your lives together! So sorry for your husband’s ordeal with his Toxic Family! How did they gain entrance into your home and how did they know you were coming home from hospital that day? NTA

OOP: Thank you! We don’t know how they knew or how they got in. Everything was so chaotic that we didn’t even think of it at the time. Definitely something to figure out though

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Trigger Warning: neglect; theft

Mood Spoiler: sad, slightly hopeful?

Original : April 27, 2024

I, 17F, am graduating high school next month and am set to attend my first-choice college with a partial scholarship in the fall. It's an instate school about an hour away, and because of my dual enrollment credits, I should only be 5 semesters from finishing my bachelor's degree and then going for the master's degree I need for the career I want.

Five years ago my Mamaw, (mom's mom) died, leaving behind a college fund for me and my siblings, Kyle (M25) and Kelsey (F22). Mom's Aunt Teresa was supposed to oversee it, but she died in 2020, and somehow my parents wound up in charge. I don't know all the details because I was 12 when Mamaw died and 14 when Aunt Teresa died. I'm not even sure exactly how it was structured or how much there was, except that it was supposed to be enough to cover a significant amount of our expenses if not everything.

Kelsey is a fine arts major and her first year of college was derailed by lockdowns, and she wound up losing an entire year. She was supposed to go back for her final year next fall just as I am starting college, but last night at our Grandpa's birthday dinner (Dad's dad) she announced that she had been invited to participate in a Junior Artist in Residence study program and was deferring her last year of college. Everyone congratulated her and my grandparents asked about what sort of stipend she was getting. She said there wasn't one, but Mamaw's money would cover her living expenses.

My uncle said that between me starting college and them covering that, the fund would be empty soon, and would her share be enough to pay for her final year after? That's when my dad said that since I had scholarships and my sister needed it more, I wouldn't be getting any of the money Mamaw left for us. Everyone was shocked and started asking questions, but my parents insisted that it was important to support my sister's artistic goals "the way we never were", and that I'd be fine.

When my grandparents argued with them, Mom said I could take out loans for what my scholarship didn't cover and live at home to save money. I was in tears and my sister was upset that people weren't happier for her. When my uncle asked if there was even going to be money left for my sister to go back and graduate, my parents said they would take out a loan against the house to cover it.

Everyone got in a huge argument and my parents and sister left. My grandparents, uncle, and aunt got to talking and my uncle, who is a lawyer, says he's going to look into it and that we may have to sue them for my share of the college money because he believes they mismanaged it. My grandparents are worried about them mortgaging the house and losing it, and suggested we take out a lien against the house for my tuition money so they can't use it to get a loan to pay for my sister's expenses.

WIBTA if I sued my parents for my college tuition and put a lien against their house like my grandparents suggested?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: This sounds like they horribly mismanaged the money. A fund that was supposed to cover even 50% of 3 college tuitions should have had a HEALTHY 6 figure amount. Not to mention the find was supposed to be used for TUITION, not other programs.

During the discovery your uncle may find out some disturbing truths, but secrets especially money secrets always are the worst. Whether you do or don't your relationship with your parents and sister is likely irreparably damaged.

OOP: Yeah, my parents are bad with money, the only reason that we have our house is that Mamaw left it to my parents, same thing for having a decent car. My grandparents were always paying for groceries or other bills which is why Grandma and Grandpa are so worried about them taking out a loan against the house. My mom is a wedding photographer for pay but also considers herself a potter, and my dad is a musician who also does carpentry on the side, like set design for the community theater. They are both artsy types so it's not surprising they chose Kelsey, the artsy kid, over me. Add in that I was definitely an accident and am not artsy and it's just like, why did I expect anything different?

OOP is voted NTA

Update (Same Post): April 28, 2024 (Next Day)

Thank you all for the advice. I know you can't just "put a lien" against the house, but my uncle and grandparents are talking about suing for the money and since my parents won't have it, putting a lien against the house. They want to move quick before my parents can "do any other stupid crap" as my Grandpa put it. We all know if my parents spent the money, there is no way they will be able to pay it back, neither will my sister, and Grandma basically told me, "but at least they won't be able to lose the house". My parents inheriting the house from Mamaw was the only way they could afford a home, they have never been good with money, so growing up my grandparents covered a lot of their bills so we could have groceries and that is probably why Mamaw left Aunt Teresa in charge of it. They are worried what will happen to my parents if they do take out a loan on the house because none of us believe they would be able to pay it back.

My uncle is going to talk to his law partner about taking the case, but most importantly, I was able to call Kyle and since he was an adult when Mamaw died he actually has a copy of the will somewhere that he says he'll find and send to us, but he knew how much was in the account and where it came from. According to Kyle there was a 300,000 life insurance policy from when PopPop, my maternal grandfather, died, and Mamaw saved it for us to use for college. He's not sure how it was structured exactly, except he is pissed because his college didn't cost very much and what wasn't used was supposed to be distributed when we all graduated or turned 25, whichever happened first. So they stole not only from me but from him too. I knew my sisters school was expensive, it's a private college, but I guess I assumed she was using loans or a scholarship or something? I never really thought about how they were affording her college, I just focused on doing well and getting as many dual enrollment credits as my school would allow so I wouldn't have to spend as much time or money when I graduated and went to college. When he told me I was in tears because 100K would more than cover my bachelors degree and probably my masters degree too. What I want to do (meteorology) really requires a masters or even a doctorate if you want to do any of the really interesting stuff.

My parents were mad at me when I went home last night like I had caused the fight, so I just went to bed then went to work this morning, and am just sort of drained or like I got hit by a truck. My best friend says I didn't do anything wrong and just sort of got sucked into everyone else's drama and scheming, which seems pretty accurate. Even more stupid is that my grandparents told me that because they knew I had a "decent amount" from Mamaw, they only saved for my aunts kids college funds, so they feel bad too, and Grandpa's birthday dinner got ruined. I got him some cheesecake from my work and I'm going to take it over to him when they get back from church tonight.

Either way I got into my first choice college and am going to go, even if I have to sell blood or take out loans, so I've got that going for me, which is nice. I'm trying really hard not to let this affect me too much because I still have final exams coming up and even though my grades are good I don't want to let this screw up anything else since some of my scholarships are dependent on my grades. My brother suggested in the meanwhile that I can file paperwork for my fafsa to not have my parents income counted, just my own, so I might be able to qualify for more aid, so I'm going to talk to my guidance counselor tomorrow about that.

Relevant Comments:

OOP expands on her point when responding to a YTA comment:

You're right I had a good life, but it wasn't because of my parents. They have always been clear that I was an accident, a whoopsie, and when I wasn't musical like my dad and brother, or artistic like my mom and sister, they basically had no use for me, so Mamaw, PopPop, Grandma, and Grandpa took care of me most of the time. My grandparents are also the reason that we had food and electricity and the rent was paid because my parents are an artist and musician and didn't make enough money, and wouldn't listen to their parents and get "real" jobs to take care of us. I am a math and science nerd, something all of my grandparents always encouraged, so if I was spoiled it was only by their attention. They didn't believe in a lot of presents, so if they weren't giving them to all of us we didn't get them, and we always got practical stuff like clothes and shoes for Christmas and birthdays.

Since I didn't want music or art lessons, my parents never paid for anything, so my grandparents paid for my science team trips and let me buy my Grandma's old car so I could get a job and pay her back. If I'm spoiled it's only because my Grandma and Grandpa tell me how proud of me they are, and they are the only ones who do it. I'm probably a "brat" because I am resentful that so many adults I know, my grandparents friends and my friends parents, refer to me as "every parents dream child" and my own parents don't care. There isn't a relationship there to worry about, I am too different from them and even when I try to appreciate the things that matter to them, they don't value any of the things I am interested in, and this feels like the last nail in the coffin.

My grandparents and uncle were honest last night when they told me that suing and putting a lien against the house wasn't about getting me the money for college, but preventing my parents from losing the house that Mamaw left them so they wouldn't wind up homeless or with my grandparents having to help them anymore. Though, who knows, maybe once I'm out my grandparents will stop, but my dad has always held the fact that they helped my uncle with law school but wouldn't finance his music dreams against them, so maybe that's part of the guilt.

It sounds like you have good kids, I hope they are a lot kinder and more compassionate than you are, or than you seem to be from your comment. I thought I was done crying today but guess what, you proved me wrong. Hope you feel good about that.

To another nasty comment:

I took every dual enrollment course I possibly could through my highschool, I am graduating with the equivalent of an associates degree worth of credits for only the cost of the textbooks I had to buy, the state and the school district covered the rest. That is why my degree is only going to take 5 semesters instead of 8, and only that because some courses have to be taken consecutively, not concurrently. Why is everyone okay with my sister getting an art degree (no hate to art but seriously?) and I get told to downgrade my dream? I've also had a job since the day I turned 16, have never missed a shift, and have saved every penny I could.

I'm in a serious case of "I did everything right, and still got screwed". I know I can manage college, it'd be a lot easier with any sort of familial support or especially the money from Mamaw, but I'll be able to swing it regardless, but they dodged the issue when I asked for the last few months then drop this bombshell less than a month before graduation. It's really crappy

Suing proves you're no better than them and value money over family:

My parents used to literally call me their "favorite accident", but not in a friendly way. They also left me with my grandparents 70% of the time. My grandparents and uncle are suggesting suing and the lien, but not expecting money from it but if they have a lien then my parents probably won't be able to get a loan against the house, and if they don't have a loan they can't wind up homeless . I love my parents, but I don't like them right now, I don't really know them, they were rarely around and never interested when they were. A couple of people have suggested my sister is the Golden Child, and I'd say that's accurate. What I want doesn't matter now, some of that money was supposed to be for my brother, and now he's angry. I feel like all I really did was sit there, get told things by my parents that made everyone mad and made me feel unloved and uncared for, ask a question here, call my brother, and now it's like, "It's out of my hands". Now I'm just planning not to have any money, and to

Even if we sued and won, they have nothing, unless there is something left in the account when whatever settles. I'm waiting on more info and will update as things happen. I put my graduation reminder on the fridge but am not going to actively remind my parents, we'll see if they bother to show up. My grandparents, uncle, and aunt (his wife) already plan to take me out to dinner after, so at least somebody cares. Everyone on here has been great though, and very validating of my feelings, which is a nice. Even if they don't agree with suing, they are mostly like, "Yeah, this sucks and was unfair, it's alright to be hurt and upset."

In response to another, kinder comment:

Thank you for being kind about this. It is my Dad's family helping, not Mom's, but all my grandparents were really close friends, they used to say they "had to be friends, no one else would understand dealing with (my parents)", so I trust them to know what Mamaw would have wanted. Grandma says that she believes Mamaw left Aunt Teresa in charge because she didn't want to put anymore stress on the relationship between my parents and dad's family, and that it might have been better if they had just taken that risk. My parents, dad especially, would have lost their minds if Grandma and Grandpa had been in charge because dad is still angry that they paid for lawschool for my uncle but wouldn't pay for him to study music. Which is funny because now they are paying for my sister to go to art school instead of me going to college to study science, and don't seem to see the problem.

You are right about having to be the squeaky wheel, except my parents have always been sort of deaf about me so my grandparents had to step in. I was an accident, they had my older siblings and planned to be done and then got pregnant with me. When it turned out I wasn't like any of them, they sort of left me with my grandparents a lot. My brother was raised to be junior version of our dad and they always call Kelsey Mom's "Mini-Me". They were really proud when Kyle had any sort of band performance or a school play or Kelsey was in an art show, but my science and math stuff they didn't care about. Kyle is sort of laid back and he left for college when I was 11 so I don't really remember living with him, and Kelsey is definitely the star of the family, and then their is me. People are sometimes surprised to find out my parents have a second daughter/third child.

Mamaw used to tell me how dogs can't see in color, so they can't really appreciate a rainbow, and that my achievements and interests were just something my parents couldn't appreciate. All this is making me miss her more, my Grandma is awesome but Mamaw was the one I spent the most time with when I was little and maybe it's stupid but thinking about this and the fact that the money only exisisted because she and Poppop died is making me angry and sad. I'm going to graduate next month and I don't think my parents even care, I know my grandparents do but the fact that only half of them will be there is getting to me today.

On a fun note- what are the planned undergrad/grad degrees?

Meteorology/Atmospheric Science. Dream job would be to work for NOAA or NWS doing atmospheric research, specifically on polar destabilization and costal impacts from changing storm patterns.

Mini Update in Comments: April 30, 2024 (3 days from OG post)

It's a moot point now, my brother found out that they are also using his left over share of the college money, which says he would have received when we all graduated or turned 25, and he's going to pursue it whether I want to or not. It was never my idea to sue or do the lien, my uncle and grandparents suggested it, and I was asking for advice over whether or not it'd be an asshole move. Even then, they made it clear suing wouldn't be about getting money for me, it was about preventing my parents from mortgaging the house Mamaw left them and then losing it when they couldn't make payments. My uncle says his partner is willing to look into it, and Kyle has a good career and is the sort of person willing to sink money into this just to get even.

Besides on here I've really had no control and talked to no one, even when I talked to Kyle and he told me what he knew that was it, then he called our grandparents and uncle and my uncle was texting me updates as he got more info. I haven't even yelled at my parents about it yet, when I got home after Grandpa's birthday party they were already asleep, and besides them asking me to take the dog out before I went to work and texting me to bring home milk they haven't spoken to me since the party. Even at the party they were yelling at Grandma and Grandpa and my uncle and comforting Kelsey, I don't think they said anything to me at all. They announced Kelsey's JAIR program, then that they were funding it with Mamaw's money, then argued with my grandparents and uncle, but now that I think of it they didn't say a single word to me. Holy crow, that's gonna put me in therapy for sure. My best friend knows, my brother knows, my dad's side knows, and my guidance counselor knows, but that's it. I'm not letting it out other than here because I don't need the drama and god forbid someone let my parents know I'm upset or made them look bad, I'd never hear the end of it.

OOP clarifies:

Funny thing is, except for asking me to take the dog out and texting me to bring home milk, I haven't seen or spoken to them since the party. I came home, they were asleep, they hollered for me to take the dog out before I left for work, I went to work, went to my grandparents, came home, no sign of them, which means they were out with friends probably. Wash, rinse, repeat except with school and work instead of just work and my grandparents yesterday and today. I'm seriously considering keeping a diary of what they say to me when, in case it ever becomes relevant. Someone else said that my brother and I were probably their retirement plan, so if that's true maybe when they ask for something I can whip it out and be like, "Remember when these were the only things you said to me for the whole month before I graduated highschool? No, well, that's why I'm not helping you."

I feel like an unwanted roommate.

Editor's note: Just a side note because I figure it will come up in the comments- yes, working in the arts is a real job. (It's literally my field and I support myself just fine in it lol.) But I think we can all agree that her parents aren't fitting the definition of having jobs that support the family.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

WIBTA if I named my baby the name I want to despite everyone hating it?

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: verbal abuse and manipulation, racism

  Apr 30, 2024

I am expecting my first child in july and am very excited! Me and my fiancé had both a girl and boy name we were very happy with and loved UNTIL We found we were having a baby boy.

After everyone found out we were having a boy they were insisting on knowing what name we had picked out we decided to let close relatives that were asking constantly the name we had chosen and were met with extreme criticism saying our child will be bullied and even my father going as far as saying he would refuse to call the baby by the name we chose and instead call him and "it" and just call him another name he had chosen and my mother taking it into her own hands to find names that she said she would find "acceptable".

It had gotten to the point were i even felt guilty for picking the name and was looking at other more traditional names to keep them happy I enjoy the other names we have chosen but to me thet are just backups and i loved the original name we had chosen much better i still want to name our boy the name we intended but the fall out of doing so seems like so much hassle and will just cause so much unnecessary drama and problems.

My parents heard my back up names and have been referring to him as such since then but it just feels wrong since me and my fiancé loved the name so much. My fiancé disagreed with me and said he still intends on naming him the original name we had planned out i really want to but am honestly scared about the fall out.

So WIBTA if i named my baby the name we originally intended even if my family thinks otherwise?

EDIT: to those wondering the original name we chose was Silas.

EDIT 2: There has been an update posted.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

FififromMtl

Silas is a great name. What names are they suggesting? I’m a name snog and hate made up yewnique names. Silas is old but not dusty . It’s a name that works for life. Tell your parents they can call your child names and bully them and not see them or they can be adults and have time with their grandson.

OOP

They REALLLLY want me to name him Alexander, but i have seen the list she made for me that had Ryleigh, Riot, and Quinn.

  May 1, 2024

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support did not expect my other post to get so much traction but its welcomed still!!

Now to the update i left out some key details in my last post including that my fiancé and I are currently living with my parents to benefit both of us because of rent prices near us and taxes my parents wanted us to stay with them and contribute so that both parties can live more comfortably

Currently i pay for 90% of the groceries and also pay for things here and there that they need aswell as a small portion of rent and gas if they need it. I also contribute to the household and make dinner every night and clean some of the time currently my fiancé has actually picked up the slack and does most chores in the house that pertains to us and even go behind them most times and clean up their messes as well.

So unfortunately the name came up again today and i had to break the news that i would be naming my son Silas i got enough of a backbone to do so and just nicely told my mother that while I like the other names I loved Silas and that i will be going with that name.

I thought it would be easier to tell them now than instead of telling them while they are at the hospital because they would probably get themselves thrown out or would take it even worst than if i were to tell them now than keep it from them.

And well it did not go well to say the least she said it was a stupid name and ugly and that she would not be calling him that and will call him by his middle name instead i told her if she wanted she could call him Si and she said she would flat out not call him that, I should know that when my whole family hates the name i should know better and thats its horrible and would be causing problems. I told her im not going to argue with her and if we were to bring this up again i would just leave and go to my own space. She told me i better leave right now because she was so angry.

Now an hour later i got a phone call from my father at work asking me why im picking at my mother even though i wasn't.

I told him the same thing i told my mother and what he said genuinely shocked me and made me concerned for our current situation.

He told me the name was stupid and if im willing to start this fire than i should be ready for the consequences of my actions, that the name i chose was a SLAVE name aswell as saying hes done his research on the name.

He even went as far as saying this was a choice influenced by my fiance threatening to kick him out and saying "he will end up homeless over this" so now unfortunately we are looking for rentals near us as this is honestly ridiculous and getting out of control.

Any advice is very much welcomed as we are wondering if this is even fixable and for the people that live in Canada any advice on rentals is very much appreciated aswell.

ADDED INFO FROM OOP

If it makes you feel any better, i didn't take what u said offensively the homeless thing really has me worried i cant afford cost of living where I am atm by myself its 1400-1900 a month without utilities and i atm im being drained financially because im not just paying groceries for 4 people but 5 and that's without including a baby soon

I only get paid around 700 a month and that all goes to meal planning for the 5 people that live here and with the very little i have left i pay for gas in order to get to my prenatal appointments and for ultrasounds so i wouldn't have enough for a first times rent or a damaged deposit

my in-laws dont like me either thats why my Fiancé is living with me because of a previous fight with them so i cant go there and i dont really have friends who dont live with their parents either because like i said cost of living is so high its just kinda the norm to live with ur parents.

It wasnt just me struggling financially but my parents aswell  they would be late on bills or have utilities shut off we came to the conclusion that if i stay and pay for some essentials it would make it easier on both of us but they are still using them paying the majority of bills on me amd still using the threat of kicking me or my Fiancé out in any fight even if its a fight about simple things like chores.

To answer some questions this is the absolute healthiest realtionship I've ever been in previously I've had my fair share of bad realtionships i have moved out before when i was much younger because my ex had told me i was doing too much and being emotionally manipulated by my family along with some diffrent alligations but he was 20 and i was 16 at the time and ended up in am even worst situation with him just straight uo abusing me but my current Fiancé is nothing like my father or my ex which is i think why they dislike him so much im in my 20s amd so is he.My parents had me at the same age i am right now. Unfortunately they constantly throw my past mistakes in my face just recently today i was threatened to be kicked out over called my father "bro" we have been looking at rentals since my updated but it takes time amd eight now things have only escalated despite me trying to leave and stop the conversation.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in and .

Thanks to for finding this and recommending it.

Read the trigger warnings. A reminder to not comment on Original Posts. See rule 7.

Trigger Warning: graphic descriptions of child abuse; infidelity; verbal abuse; financial abuse;

Mood Spoiler: surprisingly happy ending

Background : January 21, 2024

Editor's note: This post is tangentially related to the main post as it discusses some of OOP's background.

I feel so lost. I don't know what to do and I feel sick. I (41F) have been no contact my with my mother for the past 11 years following years of physical, financial, and emotional abuse as well as years of parentification.

To give everyone an idea, my mother started abusing me physically and emotionally from the age of 6 , which is when we both moved out of the extended family home. I never knew my father so until I was 6 I grew up in a home with my mother, her 3 siblings and her parents (my grandparents).

Her physical abuse consisted of pinching and twisting until my skin blistered or tore. Grabbing me by the arm or leg so hard she'd leave a bruise in the shape of her hand. Throwing things at me like drinking glasses. A few times I couldn't go to school because the bruises were in places that were visible.

Her emotional abuse was just as bad. Telling me she'd throw me outside and lock the door so the boogeyman would take me if I didn't do exactly what she said. This was all when I was under the age of 10.

The parentification started when I was 11 when my first half brother was born. He was my sole responsibility. Same when my second half brother was born when I was 18.

The financial abuse started when I was 12 when I had my first tutoring job. She's take my money to buy alcohol. I would hide my money so I could buy food for me and brother or my cat since she'd forget and just say to "eat whatever".

Financially, she wrecked my credit. I lent her my credit card when I was 21 (stupid I know) to help her with her business. She said, as my mother, I owed it to her. Back then I was still in the mindset I was taught growing up. That family was what was most important. Now I know better and have worked hard for years to build my credit back up.

Back to my dilemma. We (me and my bf 45M) have been invited to a friend's wedding. There's a chance my mother may be there.

What makes me anxious is we have a 9.5 month old baby girl. Yes I had my baby late. There's a long tradition of the women in my family being abusive. I didn't want children for the longest time. I don't regret having my daughter. She's my world and I love her more than anything and I know my mother would demand to see her if given the chance. The thought of my mother seeing her and just seeing my mother in general makes me feel sick with anxiety and on the verge of sobbing.

These emotions come up because I think of my daughter being exposed to her and I can do is cry.

On the other hand I want to go to the wedding. My friends who are getting married know my history with my mother. I have a feeling they'd invite her to be polite.

How can I get through this?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: I'm sorry you had to deal with all that. While I can't tell friends who they should invite to their wedding, I would think good friends would be aware of the friction. I'd certainly ask if my mother had been invited. If they answer yes, then I would skip the wedding. If your mother is still drinking and abusive, there's no way I'd risk running into her again. Just not worth it.

OOP: Thank you. Exactly. I don't want to be that person who dictates who they can/can't invite.

That's a good idea. I will ask if she was invited/ RSVPed yes. She drinks less now. Her heavy drinking resulted in her getting type 2 diabetes. Even with less alcohol, she apparently is still very manipulative and abusive according to my youngest half brother.

Commenter: Wishing you luck. Don’t blame you at all! My mother’s father (grandfather is too familial for him) was a narcissist, abuser too. Had to control every and all situations. Refused to give him any leeway and never spoke to him for the last 10 or so years of his life. If I had kids, I would not have allowed him to be apart of their lives either. There is no need to have another generation subjected to the vitriol and physical violence. Go to the party, support your brother. You don’t have to say a word to her. Make Her look stupid by ignoring her.

OOP: Thank you so much for your comment! I'm so sorry you had to go through that too and you're absolutely right when you said

"There is no need to have another generation subjected to the vitriol and physical violence."

My mother is the way she is because of her mother who was so much worse. That's why I had my daughter later in life. I was child Free out of fear of being like them but my step-dad and boyfriend both told me the same thing: I know how not to parent.

Mini update (Same Post, Next Day)

I don't know if this is how we update but I'm going to do it anyway lol. Thank you to everyone who commented and you all had the same advice. So I contacted the bride last night. She wrote me back this morning. She did not invite my mother. She knows a little bit of my history with my mother and said she rarely speaks to her. She wants me and my step-father there. He too would not want my mother there (he went through a lot of abuse too at my mother's hand). So my friend wanted us to have a good time and is not inviting my mother.

Thank you all again so very much for reading my post. I was so afraid of being that person who causes drama over who is/isn't invited and didn't want to cause my friend stress that I started imagining all possible scenarios of what could happen if she was that and spiraled into an emotional crying mess.

After all your comments, some ginger ale a hug from my husband and baby, I was able to get some sleep.

Thank you all again very much

Original : April 16, 2024 (4 months later)

Title: I had to end my 11 yr NC with my mother and her siblings for a family event. I will see her for the first time this Saturday. I'm overthinking everything...

I (41F) went NC with my entitled narcissistic mother and her siblings 11 years ago after years of physical, emotional and financial abuse as well as years of parentification starting when I was 11 yrs old. None of her siblings said or did anything. They just looked the other way and told me I was too emotional and exaggerate everything.

My brother (30M) and his girlfriend (22F) are having a baby shower for their first baby this Saturday, my mother is organizing it and sent out invites and created a Facebook event. This is why I went stopped my NC, so I could see the event and mark myself as going.

I refuse to let a POS human being prevent me from being there for brother and his girlfriend, even if that person is my mother. I'm not going to lie, I spiralled when I first saw my mother's invite. All the years of abuse, days of missed elementary school because the bruises were in visible places, all came back. My step-dad (54M) talked me down and we're going together. He was abused by her just as bad as I was, if not worse.

My mother is organizing the baby shower because my brother is close with her. Yes he knows what she did but thinks I should just forgive and forget, which I have multiple times but that never stopped the abuse.

My biggest concern is my boyfriend and I have a child (1F) and when my brother found out, he started again with how I should forgive and forget. I told him I don't expect him to not tell my mother about my child but to respect that she will not be in my child's life. Since my daughter was born there were some not so subtle attempts from her to like pictures of my daughter. She even sent me a friend request once, which I deleted right away. She's the jealous vindictive type so it wouldn't surprise me if she pressured my brother to get his girlfriend pregnant so she'd have a grand-child too (She's jealous of my step-dad for being a grand dad).

For those wondering why I didn't block her, I did but unblocked every now and then because I was paranoid she'd try something with grand-parents rights, even though I know she doesn't have a leg to stand on for that or try to get sympathy for not seeing my daughter. This still bothers me to this day sometimes. The nightmares and hormones have me paralyzed in fear. All this to say my mother would be the type of person to post about this on social media and if she does, I want to be able to get screenshots of it and address it right away because she's a master manipulator.

I decided to take a big step and started therapy for the first time last week. Therapy was always something ridiculed and seen as something for weak people by my family. My boyfriend (44M) agreed with the therapy and even asked me how I felt afterwards. He's my rock and my everything. We've been together for 20 years. For those wondering, why we aren't married because we don't really don't care. We love each other and for us that's enough. Therapy helped a lot. I have another session this week, two days before I see her again. My therapist called me brave, which honestly surprised me. I never thought of myself as being brave.

Anyway, I'll update after the baby shower.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Your brother deems his deference for your mother above the abuse thar he knows you suffered. However much you care for him, your feelings are secondary as far as he's concerned... Why stress? Spend the day with someone who loves you.

OOP: thank you for your comment. I do agree with you that my feelings are completely secondary to him. Unfortunately, he's very much like her personality wise but his girlfriend is a gem and keeps him level headed (even he admits its lol). My dad and I have an agreement that if either of us are uncomfortable we'll leave right away. We're going as each other's support. Plus I worked really hard on a crocheted baby blanket, hats and mitts lol.

Why are you putting yourself in this situation?

Thank you so much for your concern. Yes it's going to be stressful but after having lost my entire family when going NC, I went a few years with no contact with anyone, including my step-dad and brothers. She had turned everyone against me which destroyed me. I felt so abandoned. Once her lies, cheating and abuse were exposed is when my step-dad and one of my two brothers came back in my life. The one brother who came back (23M) isn't the one who's baby shower I'm going to (30M). Yes there's a massive age difference between us (I'm 41F). I raised the two of them alone. I felt like I had lost everything when they went NC. Them coming back felt like a second chance. Brother 30M came back a few years after. He's very easily manipulated and has the same kind of personality as my mother: vain, narcissistic and selfish but he's a watered down version without the abuse.

Basically I'm putting myself in this situation for my second chance little family I was able to form after the fallout. Seems ridiculous but I'd feel terrible to not try.

Commenter: I too, think it is a bad idea. I cannot imagine spending time around someone that was abusive to me for years just to appease my brother who didn't even care that I was abused, still maintains a close relationship with my abuser and on top of it has the audacity to tell me to forgive and forget. That part is throwing me. I cannot for the life of me imagine my mom hurting my sister who I love, yet still wanting to be cool with my mom, my mom would be dead to me. And I get Op is fond of her brother's gf but like someone else suggested take her out to lunch or do something else nice with her, like a spa day and give her the gift.

OOP: As much as I would love to do all the above, it's really hard with how far my brother and his girlfriend live and their job. They both work really long shifts. I know it's confusing and even I wonder sometimes, especially that he plays off my trauma like I'm exaggerating, but the best way I can put it is in a way we have a way to start over. After the year did abuse, not just to me but my step-dad also, we want to try and make our little family of chosen people work. We never got a chance to do that, ever. I would have to do a post by itself about my family and all the bullshit that lead to the NC. That would be a massive post in itself. So much to unpack but therapy is helping.

Lastly, I was happy to hear my brother's girlfriend put her foot down with certain things with my mother. My brother will get to see our mother's real personality with his baby. I hope he steps up for his girlfriend and their baby.

Commenter: It's ok to prioritize your self and your family. You cannot thrive and be bountiful if you don't. If not going is best for you. That is ok. What is best for you is ok. It took me a long time to say that! It's not selfish to do what's best for you and your LO (Editor's note- little one)

OOP: I've really been leveraging "No" as a full sentence and have been using that as a filter for people I want to keep in my life. If people can't respect me when I say no, then what else are they going to disrespect me on.

At first I did not want to go. I had a full blown crying, shaking, dry heaving meltdown. After composing myself, I called my dad and he talked me through it and said he was going. He was heavily abused too so I know it's just as hard for him. That's why we're going as each other's support. As for my daughter, she's staying home with my boyfriend having a daddy daughter day.

Commenter: Eh, I would suggest just using her first name, not "mother." Deny the relationship. Twist that knife.

OOP: I have. I use mother here because I've used "egg donor" in the past and people were super confused. Even to my step-dad and brothers I call her by her first name.

Commenter: I'm a cross stitcher and knitter, I feel your pain. As for the shower, have you considered that by going you are letting her win? She gets to show everyone how mean you are to her, she gets to create drama and blame it on you. Think on this, a narcissist thrives on attention any attention, even bad, is a balm to their soul.

She will do everything in her power to make you look bad. There is no way to win, except by ignoring her existence.

OOP: Thank you! I have considered that side too. I'm going by my dad's experience. He had to see her a month ago or so for the gender reveal and he said she looked resigned. Almost emotionless. She's already painted me in a bad light to the entire family (her sisters, her brother and their kids) who will also be there by the way. But they're all so non-confrontational and fake.

I know my mother is throwing the baby shower for exactly that reason. She wants attention. My dad and I agreed to leave right away if either of us feels uncomfortable.

Commenter: You want to be there for a grown ass man who doesn’t care about you being abused. Why do you still care about him? When has he ever cared about you??

OOP: Thank you for your comment. We used to be close a long ago. We've gotten a lot better in the past 2 years. He was really badly manipulated by my mother for many years. He took for granted that what she was telling him was true because she's our mother and she wouldn't lie, which is so dumb, I know. He's learning that more and more. I think he's seeing it more now that she keeps trying to ask him for money, like I warned him she would.

Commenter: Brother will change his mind about mother once she starts abusing his kid. These kinds of things don't just stop. Good luck to you!

OOP: Thank you! I really hope it doesn't come to that but it wouldn't surprise me. I think it'll be more my brother's girlfriend putting her foot down with my mother's involvement (she'll probably try to involve herself in everything). My brother will be forced to choose and in general does what his girlfriend says since she's the most down to earth, realistic and normal out of the two. She keeps him level, his words exactly.

Commenter: You DON’T have to go. Just because your brother has poor taste in people doesn’t mean you have to be around your abuser. You can see him other times.

OOP: Thank you for your comment. I know I don't. I'm choosing to go. I feel like I'm letting my mother get under my skin and win by not going and that makes me even angrier. That's where I'm at at the moment.

Editor's note: All edits take place on the same post.

EDIT: I'm sorry if I'm, confusing anyone by saying "my dad" when referring to my step-dad. To me he is my dad. He and I have gone through hell and back together in regards to my mom. Our experience has brought us closer than ever.

EDIT 2: I am NOT bringing my daughter. She's staying home and having a daddy daughter day with my boyfriend.

EDIT 3: April 16 or 17, 2024 (Same day/day after)

Holy cow I did not expect this many comments! Thank you all so much! You have no idea how much I appreciate it. That's what I love at MarkNarrations. I love this sub. It's such a tightly knit community. My daughter knows the sound of his voice now and comes running to see when I play his videos on my tablet lol.

One thing I want to tell everyone, you don't need to worry about me breaking down, crying, or having a meltdown. I'm at a point in my life where I don't get sad. I get angry and my worry is if she tries anything, my step-dad will have to jump him and pull me back. And I have no problems calling her out on her abuse. Many years ago she made him nearly homeless where he only had enough money to pay his mortgage but had to go to the food bank for food. He didn't tell me because he knew I probably would have done something I'd regret later. He only told me after the fact and I cried tears of anger and disbelief at being related to someone so vile. When I get overwhelmed I cry, which I find so embarrassing.

I am seeing therapist this Thursday, two days before the shower and I'm really looking forward to it. I will keep you all updated. Thank you all again so much. I really love this sub <3

EDIT 4: April 18, 2024 (two days later)

Thank you all again so much for all the love and support. I'm sorry I didn't clarify this before. I have 2 brothers 30M and 23M. My brothers are my half-brothers (We share the same mother. Their father is my step-dad). Just like how I call my step-dad "dad", I call my half-brothers, "brothers".All the comments, advise and suggestions have been amazing and some really really funny. I'm feeling so much better after reading all the support and am started to look forward to the baby shower, especially that my step-dad texted me saying he met my mother's husband this week and that the man's face was priceless after my step-dad introduced himself to him. I asked for more details but he said we'll talk about it on the drive over.

After that, I wanted to give you all a full scope of who my mother is and what kind of a piece of shit human being she really is. I put it in point form instead of a giant block of text:

• Her physical abuse started at 6-7 years old. It was pinching and twisting until my skin tore. Grabbing me by the arm or leg so hard she'd leave hand shaped bruises. Slapping me across the face so hard, I'd have the imprint of her hand on my face. Throwing objects at me. She almost broke my orbital bone when I was 8 after throwing a glass at my face after I said a swear word in public for the first time. A few times I couldn't go to school because the bruises were in visible places.

• Telling me she'd throw me outside and lock the door so the boogeyman would take me if I didn't do exactly what she said. This was all when I was under the age of 10.

• The parentification started when I was 11 when my first brother was born. He was my sole responsibility. Same when my second brother was born when I was 18.

• The financial abuse started when I was 12 when I had my first job tutoring the neighbour's son. She'd take my money to buy alcohol. I would hide my money so I could buy food for me and brother or my cat since she'd forget and just say to "eat whatever".

• Financially speaking, she wrecked my credit. I lent her my credit card when I was 21 (stupid I know) to help her with her business. She said, as my mother, I owed it to her. Back then I was still in the mindset I was taught growing up. That family was what was most important. Now I know better and have worked hard for years to build my credit back up.

• She tried to get back in contact with me 8 years ago by wishing me happy birthday on facebook under my brother's comment (they're facebook friends). This was 2 weeks after we were contacted about inheritance following my grandfather's death a few months before. She hadn't contacted me for anything the 3 years previous. So gross, especially since she inherited way more than I or my brothers did.

• As for my step-dad - she cheated on him for 6 years with some guy she met down in the Caribbean. So not only is she abusive, she's also a cheating piece of shit. She would fly out down there 6 to 7 times a year by herself for her "me" time and would lose it when my step-dad asked to join her. All the money he gave her to pay the mortgage, hydro, and other utilities, she'd send to her boy toy, now her husband. My step-dad almost lost his house and she ruined his credit too by racking up credit card and cell phone bills. Her credit was so bad, she couldn't get a phone. I had had enough and confronted her. They split up not long after and that's when all my mother's lies and manipulation came to light.

• They owned a company together that my mother's brother bought from them. My step-dad and mom had each taken out a loan with the bank to start the company together and were still making payments to it after they split. My step-dad paid his loan off first and that made my mother so angry and jealous she had her brother help her take my step-dad to court to sue him and have him pay her loan. She won. He had to go to the food bank for a while because he couldn't afford anything else but the mortgage and hydro.

I have therapy this afternoon and can't wait. I felt so much better last week after just 1 session. You all have made me feel so much stronger and confident. Let me know if you have any questions or need clarification on anything I wrote above.

Update (Same Post): April 20, 2024 (4 days from OG post)

UPDATE! Today was the baby shower and omg! I'm putting everything in point form because there's a lot to update you all on. I'm typing from my cellphone as I'm rocking my daughter to sleep. I missed her so much today.

1 - my dad invited his female best friend to come with us to the baby shower. We'll call her Sally. She's a wonderful woman with a big heart and very protective of my dad, especially since she knows my mother fairly well and works at the same place as her. The first time she and I met we were talking about each other's work and she was going on about this awful co-worker who was so bossy, blamed everyone else for her mistakes and took the praise for other people's work. Turns out it was my mother lol. Basically my mother was not happy Sally was coming.

2 - Both my dad and Sally said my mother texted them to say the baby shower started at 1:30. It didn't. The invite clearly said 1pm. I told them we're getting there for 1pm and was 99% sure my mother was trying to make them look bad out of jealousy. I was right. We arrived at 12:55 pm and my mother's deer in the headlights look on her face said it all.

Guys I stayed composed. I did it! My hands were shaking but I kept them in my pockets. Sally saw this and squeezed my arm.

My mother came out of her daze and came over "oh OP! You came!? It's nice to see you!"

I smirked at her obvious lie and discomfort at being caught, said "Nice to see you too. Where do I put my gift?" She took my gift and put it on the table with the other gifts.

3 - My mother's two siblings showed up with their daughters. One sister greeted me like an acquaintance, which I appreciated. The other pretended I wasn't even there.

4 - my dad, Sally and I sat at a table with one of my dad's former work buddies. We had a blast. My mother was not impressed. Shooting us dirty looks. So much so my dad's friend turned to me and said "uh oh. I think we might need to keep it down". Everyone else was talking loudly, we weren't the only ones. She just didn't like that we were having fun.Me "forget her. She always looks like that." My dad spit out his drink laughing. I didn't say it loud enough for her to hear (at least I don't think so and didn't care in the moment to be honest) but we did get more dirty looks lol.

4 - my mother whipped out a headset with a microphone hooked to a tiny speaker that she hooked to the back of her pants, like she was some sort of talk show host. I shit you not. I didn't notice until my dad said "what the fuck..." I looked over and couldn't help but laugh. Did I mention my mother thrives on being the center of attention, even at her own son's baby shower.

5 - she had us play games and whatnot which was fun. I participated and had fun, until my mother handed diapers with melted chocolate bars on them and gave them out to my two brothers my dad and another guy at the shower. She wanted them to taste what was in the diaper and guess the chocolate bar. The way the chocolate was melted you could tell some of the crotch of the diaper had turned gelatinous (which is what it's supposed to do when a baby pees. I doubt that gel is for human consumption). Me in my now very comfortable seat at the shower blurted "that's disgusting". I got a few responses agreeing with " uh yeah... That's gross".

6 - then there was the bottle drinking game. My mother dropped the bottle full of grape juice in front of my dad like he was a bug she was trying to squish with the bottle. It was so obvious that the girl at the table next to us tapped my shoulder and asked why "the woman with the microphone just pitched the bottle to the poor guy in the blue shirt". I told her the guy was my dad and the woman was his ex, my mother. The girl apologized profusely. I told her not to, that she said nothing wrong and that my mother was just like that.

7 - my dad and I went out for supper afterwards and what I found out over guys... OMG! Turns out my mother was upset with my dad because she asked my other brother (not the one having the baby shower) to try and put in a good word for her to my dad because she wanted to get back together with him and he just laughed. He didn't know what else to say. Need I remind you all that she's currently married to the man she cheated on my dad with for 6 years!

She married and sponsored this man from the Caribbeans to come to Canada. According to my brother, this poor man is treated like a tenant and is forced to live in her basement. WTF

My dad laughed when he saw my face and told me not to worry, that there's no way in hell he would ever consider getting back with her. I told him good because I'd have to smack some sense into him if he did.

He's 99% positive she's trying to get back with my dad to try and reconcile with me to have access to my daughter. He said he'd rather die than let that happen.

So there you have it. What a shit show, but it was a fun shit show that I did not expect in the least. Thank you all again for all your comments and support. It was so very appreciated.

Relevant Comment:

Commenter: You handled that well. Now just go back to pretending she doesn’t exist. She doesn’t deserve anything different. The best revenge is living well.

OOP: That's exactly the plan! Thank you again for your comments.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor’s Note: added spaces for readability

AITA for choosing my grandfather to walk me down the aisle instead of my father?

Trigger Warnings: slurs, homophobia, traumatic birth, death of a parent, and verbal abuse

RECAP

- December 20, 2023

I (23 f) I'm engaged to Michelle (25 f). I came out to my father when I was 15 and he showed me a great deal of homophobia. I was miserable and my twin sister (23 f) was there for me.

When I turned 18 years old I left home and cut off my father. My father and grandfather don't have a good relationship because of some things that happened in the past. I don't know what exactly because both of them would change the subject when I used to ask about it.

A few weeks ago I asked my grandfather if he would be willing to walk me down the aisle instead of my father and he accepted. I don't know how my father got wind of it but after five years of no contact he has called me screaming and cussing at me for choosing that in his worlds 'horrible human being' to walk me down the aisle. After he hung up I was in tears. Now I have to ask AITA?

EDIT: My father isn't even invited to the wedding. If you ask where my mother is in all this she tragically passed away because of child birth. The doctor said it was because of a hemorrhage that's why me and my sister were so close to our mother, our mother's side of the family because we wanted to have someone who was close and related to our mother's family.

After I came out my mother's side of the family. After I came out they started being passive aggressive towards me. They never really showed their prejudice against homosexual people. I never saw through the snarky comments and homophobic jokes because I never was in that kind of situation.

The reason why I saw through my father's prejudice is because he used to call me names like w*ore, lustful devil, disappointing child, useless and so much more. I regret not seeing through my mother's family prejudice against me and my fiance.

- December 22, 2023

First of all I want to thank you all for all the support and advice you had given me but I gave good news I found out why my father and grandfather don't talk anymore. I didn't mention it in my last post because I thought it was irreverent but my father(45m) is an atheist and my grandfather is a christian.

My grandfather (75m) was abusive towards my grandmother and father. Now everything made sense.

How did I found out? I met my father at a café when I saw him after 5 years I wanted to cry What shocked me was my father's reaction. He hugged me thitly and started apologizing over and over for his homophobic behaviour and abusive behaviour. He started explaining everything about his and grandfather's fall out. It was an emotional conversation.

At the end of the our meeting I told him i don't know if I would even forgive him. He was understanding and he wouldn't pressure me into forgiving him. I asked him how he found out about my grandfather walking me down the aisle instead of him? He told me it was my sister who told him. He apologized for his reaction. He was extremely angry about the fact that my grandfather would walk me down the aisle instead of him but he said he understands if he wouldn't be invited to the wedding. He also said he would help me with everything I need. I nod and leave.

Now I have to confront my grandfather if he's really an abuser I would cut him out of my life. I cut everyone out who harassed me and my fiance.

RELEVANT COMMENT

llamadrama2021: Don't be so quick to believe your father. He hasn't shown you great integrity in the past. And you need to find out why your sister told your father in the first place. That's a huge breach of trust.

OOP: I want my grandfather's side of the story as well but I don't know how to approach the subject even though I have done so many times in the past.

----NEW UPDATE----

- April 24, 2024

Hey guys. I know it's been a long time but I really needed some time with my wife.

A few months ago I had talked about my decision to let my grandfather walk me down the aisle instead of my father. I'm finely ending a painfully chapter of my. The outcome of my confrontation with my grandfather (76m) was...I can't even describe it.

Everything that my father told me was true. The abuse the manipulation. I decided to cutt off my grandfather. I knew he was a religious man but I didn't expect him to be so cruel to my father.

Oh and the person who ended up walking me down the aisle? My twin sister. I don't think my relationship with my father will ever be as good as and my sister's and I but we're working on it.

Thanks for the support. (I'm sorry for any grammar mistakes from my posts. English is my second language.)

Relevant Comment

Big_Alternative_3233: Did your father come to the wedding?

OOP: Yes he did.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITA for divorcing my wife over getting a massage

Thanks to and for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: fertility issues, accusations of infidelity, manipulation

: April 16, 2024

My soon to be ex-wife and I are both in our late 30s. We've been together 12 years married for 10. We are in a dead bedroom. It was totally dead for 6 months before I filed for divorce. It was on life support/ICU for 5-6 years before that.

We both wanted to be younger parents, and both wanted 2 kids. We conceived our daughter almost immediately after getting married. When she was 6 months old we started trying to have the 2nd child. It never happened. After 3 years we started seeing fertility specialists and found out we both have pretty serious reproductive issues. The doctor told us our daughter was nothing short of a miracle, and said it was against all odds that we not only conceived but carried to term. It was after this that the sex life began to seriously decline.

Initially I thought it was just the pain of finding out, and knowing we wouldn't be able to afford the fertility options, and figured it would get better over time. It never did, it only got worse. 5 years ago I would say we had sex 15 to 20 times that year, in 2023 we had sex 3 times. I have tried everything to improve this, spicing things up, talking, suggested counseling. I more than pull my weight around the house. We both work and work basically the same hours. I'm telling this because the usual stuff I read on Reddit about how "The wife does it all" is not even close to true.

Over time I have grown more and more resentful. The thing that makes me the most resentful is she knows I have a high libido, and just doesn't care. I on the other hand know she loves to be rubbed on/massaged, and never took that from her. I probably rub on her 325 times a year. Almost every night I will rub her claves, shins, ankles and feet. 4 to 5 nights a month I will go big and do neck, shoulder, back, butt, hamstring, quads, shins, calves, ankles, and feet. I noticed that doing the big massages was the best way to get sex, as she was more likely to allow me to do the foreplay things I know work on her if I had already done this prep. I did them more often a few years ago but now not as much. The success rate was never that great, maybe 20% of the time, but in the last 2 years we are definitely in the single digits.

When we hit the 4 months of absolutely no sex, I decided I wasn't rubbing on her ever again. It only took 3 days for her to notice and she asked me to. I told her no, and I got angry. I said "Why should I, when you don't give a fuck about what I want.". Obviously not my finest moment and huge argument followed. Things got ice cold at home but I wasn't giving in, I was tired of all of it.

A few weeks ago she told me fine, I will just start seeing a professional masseuse. I said, "Then I will start seeing sex workers." She said that was cheating. I said "Fine, I won't but you will not get a massage from anyone else, that is also cheating.". She said I was being ridiculous and I said, "No, it's being touched in an intimate way by another, if I can't have that, neither can you, and I swear to fucking God if you do I will file for divorce that day."

The following weekend, she went to get her nails done, I know how long it takes for her to get her nails done. She came back almost an hour and half later than I expected. She didn't say anything just acted normal. I got on her credit card app on my phone and sure enough there was a $95 charge to the goddamn massage person in the same strip mall as the nail place.

I lost it, and when I did so did she. I think we both let out years of frustration on each other. True to my word though I called a divorce lawyer on Monday. The only part that upset me was my lawyer said based on these circumstances I couldn't list "Infidelity" as the reason for divorce and had to go with "irreconcilable differences."

Anyway she has been telling people we are divorcing because she got a massage. Since then I have had a number of family members/friends call me and say I'm an asshole. Some of them even when I tell them my real reasons, still think I'm an asshole and that my reasons aren't good enough. Personally, I think getting massage when told not to, is plenty of reasoning. So am I the asshole here?

Personal note: I reread this and I know it comes off angry. But I am angry, angry at myself for wasting so many years. But I'm also angry because this was just the ultimate fuck you, she just went and did it anyway and didn't even try to hide it. Literally went to the same place next to the nail salon and used her CC which I pay, like I wasn't going to see the charge.

Additional Information from OOP:

Large Scale Response to many commenters:

This thing has gotten like 2k plus comments in 12 hours, I can't even begin to address that.

Most of you are correct, this isn't about a massage, I could honestly care less about the massage. That was simply what I fixated on after I finally broke.

Now to those that like to ride the assumption train or, for some reason, just create your own narrative based on who knows what.

I did not just massage my wife to get sex. I did this for her 300 times a year nearly our entire relationship. I did it back when we used to have sex 10-15 times a month, back when foreplay was something I still got to experience, back when lingerie was common and not just a distant memory. The full massages just became the only way to get the chance of sex above ZERO. The small leg ones were never escalated by me and far more common.

Since most people bashing me decided to skim over or ignore the short vague list of all i tried over the years here's a more comprehensive account: Date nights, weekend vacations, love letters, long conversations where I laid out all my feelings (I'll give her credit, she never did promise to do better, just told me she understands where I'm coming from, guess I should have understood then that meant she didn't care), I suggested counseling 5 times. I even booked us once and ended up going to the first 2 sessions by myself, when she said she was too busy to go the 3rd I just cancelled and never went back.

Yes, the day to day routine stuff is pretty balanced, as far as housework, career, and I think we are both great parents. But our relationship was one sided, it took me a long time to see it so boldly and to stop accepting it. If she wants a snack, she doesn't get it, she asks me to, drink, same thing. If she wanted to go out with friends, sure babe no prob go ahead, I got the girl just worry about you. If I do, it's 2 hour prep for me to make sure nothing's gonna go wrong while I'm out. A couple years ago I saw a clip of a comedian talking about being out golfing when his wife wanted to watch a DVD, and everyone's laughing as he's describing the whole conversation. I just wanted to ball my eyes out, because that was my life. I just stopped trying to even go out, it wasn't worth the effort anymore.

Yeah we had other forms of Intimacy, we cuddled at bedtime to fall asleep. She never really liked kissing or hand holding so I wrote those off back when times were good. So I had cuddling and on the very rare occasion sex to look forward to. Now let's flip this over, besides the near daily rub downs, also pretty common for me to brush her hair, she likes that she'll ask for that. Painted toe nails a few times, back scratching pretty common. Oh usually draw her a bath after she works out, does that count as intimacy, or is that just more of only doing things to fuck her?

I guess I am the asshole, I'm the asshole to myself for putting up with this for so long. And I get it, you're all right, we both have unprocessed trauma from having our dreams dashed, but I didn't quit. I honestly didn't berate her emotionally because of this, I knew she was having a hard time, yeah I let my frustrations or disappointment show sometimes, but I didn't get angry. Not until now, not until I had that bad day, and she said "well, tomorrow will be better, can you rub on me." And the sick thing is I felt totally dismissed and still did it anyway. After, I was so angry I just decided I'm never rubbing on her again. And ive been angry ever since, even now typing this has put me in a full rage. No I really don't give a shit about the massage, it was just the final Fuck You of our marriage.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of NTAs and YTAs.

Relevant Comments

Taylor5: Question: What's your wife's reaction to you filing for divorce?

OOP: She has been rather pissed off too. Thinks I am being ridiculous and childish. Which the massage thing was I admit. But she has said my desire for sex is juvenile, that I'm not some teenager, and we have a life that I AM throwing away over nothing. That was all the initial reaction.

Now she's full go for divorce, but makes it sound like a competition, so I'm expecting plenty of bullshit.

My lawyer says outside of a 50/50 split she doesn't have much to fight for. We make almost the exact same amount in terms of annual salary. 50/50 is the default for custody and since I've found an apartment about 10 minutes BIKE RIDE away and still in the same school that's not going to be an issue.

I'm contemplating some concessions just to move the process, although she hasn't done anything or said anything yet. I'm just getting prepared if she does.

: April 29, 2024

Little update.

While this is not official by any means at this point, I'll take it as a positive. STBX asked me to meet yesterday to hash out some details of the divorce, and it was actually pretty productive.

We agreed on a 50/50 custody arrangement. Basically week there week here. Becomes 2 weeks during summer break. We each keep our own retirements, splitting the savings 60-40 her favor. Each keep our primary vehicle.

I made a huge concession on the house, it was my idea. I want our child to grow up in that house. Ours was a 3 bedroom, with a finished basement and nice yard. I don't want her to live in a pair of 2 bedroom apartments. This is important to me. I'll be paying a "housing alimony" each month to offset some costs, since my rent and projected utilities etc are much lower than the mortgage/utilities/upkeep. We did agree on some stipulations that would end that.

1. If another adult should moves in (i.e. a boyfriend/new husband) my obligation ends immediately.

2. My obligation ends when our daughter moves out or turns 22, whichever comes first.

3. There's a bunch of different scenarios we talked about in terms of splitting the house if she wishes to sell it. I won't bore with all of that, but basically as long as I continue to make the alimony payment I'll get 40% at time of sale or a buyout.

I'm turning all this over to my lawyer this week, and he will write it up and send it to her lawyer. While she definitely had a "you are beneath me vibe", during our meeting, I'm happy this doesn't look like it will be an ugly divorce as I was very worried it would be. I assume our daughter is the motivating factor for her sudden amicable attitude.

Relevant Comments

OOP on if his daughter is actually his since he and his wife were not able to have any more children

OOP: We literally conceived within a few weeks of being married, we were going at it like rabbits back then, literally newlyweds spending every second together. I don't want to pick on you but this is the most annoying part of Reddit. I know I acted like an asshole about the massage, and I know it's not actually cheating, but there is no actual infidelity anywhere in any post or comment I've made. I don't understand why would you jump to that, and it's not just you several others have to, but I truly have no fears that she was ever unfaithful.

: May 1, 2024

Well that didn't last long.

Lawyer called first thing this morning. Wife changed mind, rejecting all the house stuff we talked about. Says she wants to sell and move into something smaller. She is only rejecting the house agreements, custody agreement is not being rejected

I told my lawyer fine, I'm done. Told him here's the offer from my side then.

50/50 custody, 50/50 split of house sale, I'll still go 60/40 on savings (I know some you say this is dumb/unfair, but I have my reasons and they all revolve around our daughter.)

I'm actually fine with this, not even upset that she wasted 4 hours of our time on Saturday. Just ready to be done, after my initial tirade I have really come into a good place, it's like I spent years carrying around a backpack of stones and I finally decided to put it down.

Personal Response to OnlyFans "models": Stop sending me invites and messages. I can jack off on my own just fine for free, I'm not going to pay you. Leave people the fuck alone.

Relevant Comments

Old_Hamster_4218: I don’t understand the 60/40 savings. If it revolves around your daughter, and you’re 50/50 on custody, you having the money is the same as your wife having it, unless she has more responsible spending practices or something.

OOP: Okay, I have paid all the bills our whole marriage. I don't mean my money, we both work, I mean I have been the person in charge of making sure things get paid. I also don't really spend a lot on myself month to month, sure I do some, but she is definitely more of a spender. Id rather give her some more buffer while she learns how to manage finances, because , yeah I think she's going to fuck up. Maybe I'm wrong but this woman hasn't thought about bills or budgets in years. And I don't mean to say she is irresponsible, she's not, she wasn't a crazy spender or anything, maybe I'm being irrationally accommodating.

Also really need to stress we aren't rich people, this isn't some gigantic amount of money we're debating here. In all honesty if she feels like she's winning and we divorce faster, I'll consider it money well spent.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Disclaimer: I have commented on this drama, though not in the linked thread. Hopefully this write up reads as objectively as possible.

Have you ever heard of ? What about ? How about ? Or ? They all came from the same line in The Last Jedi where a soldier licks what looks to be snow, before confirming the ground on the planet Crait (not to be confused the the Krayt Dragons of Tatooine) is in fact covered in salt. The original was made for critiques of the movie, and the sequels in general, while the others grew out of dissatisfaction with the sub in one way or another.

There's also the general sub for bots, the sub for (barely) literate fans, the sub for nice people, and for the people who have obscure questions about star ship fuel that can only be answered by a source book from the 90s. All of these star wars based subs can't really play nice with each other. Ask any of these subs their opinion on any other sub, and you will probably hear something negative or lamentations about the state of said sub.

Enter , like many other circle jerk subs, the name says it all. You come, you make some jokes, mostly about the state of the fandom or the franchise, everyone breathes out of their nose and moves on.

The Drama:

This by the moderator of the sub has seemingly hit their own exhaust port with a proton torpedo.

people with they them pronouns are extremely narcissistic or unaware

A passerby asks for clarification:

Would you like to attempt to explain what you mean by that?

They lay out their viewpoint:

trying to get people to refer to you by terms never used before is a sign of narcissism
Although some people just put those pronouns cause they don’t know any better and wanna show support for a flawed idea

The thread continues on from there. Of seemingly more interest is the way this has and may in the future impact the sub. Sorting by Hot, the sub has been inundated with calls to either oust the mods (have fun living in a fantasy land) or to leave and form their own better circle jerks thus continuing the lifecycle of Star War sub mitosis. Even more interesting, though I won't (can't?) link to this, is the way the mod in question has essentially doubled, tripled, quadrupled down on their stance in disparate posts across the sub. Their post history shows comments almost squarely in the negative. ...Well, alright fine, I'll link one of their posts on the sub from after the comments. It seems clear they enjoy reveling in the aftermath of all this.

So I ask you SRDines, does implode? Does it spawn a rival sub and schism not seen since the days of The Last Jedi sub-divisions?

Update: the sub has been privated, hopefully through no intervention by popcorn pissers. Regardless, there’s been some discussion in the community about making a new circle jerk. The one that I’ve seen is I believe.

I am not The OOP's, OOP's are: &

I accidentally farted on a first date and she walked out in the middle of dinner

Originally posted to

  Apr 1, 2024

Posted by

I met this girl a couple of weeks ago and I’ve never hit it off with anyone like this. Extremely attractive, funny, we loved all the same things Everything was perfect. However, she kept mentioning all of her “pet peeves”…. Some of which are unforgivable and instant deal breakers

Our first date was this past Saturday night. I made a reservation at a hard to get into hole in the wall that’s literally a tourist attraction in my town in Louisiana. Perfect spot for a quiet dinner… the quietness would become a detriment to my dating life

I had been gassy all day for no reason at all. It was “one of those days”. However, they weren’t noisy or smelly so I didn’t think much about it. We were talking and having a great time when I tried to ease one out and for some reason it was audible…. A CLEAR fart noise. In a desperate attempt to lie my way out of the mishap, I quickly said “that’s not what it sounded like, I promise you! It was my chair”.

The nights conversational focus has now shifted toward the unidentified noise. Her whole demeanor changed and there were no more laughs, jokes, smiles… nothing. One of her aforementioned pet peeves had surfaced. The night was affectively over. In a last ditch effort to recover, we decided on trying to recreate the fart noise with the chair. If I could somehow achieve this, I had a chance. Although slim to none, a chance none the less. Long story short, I could not recreate the fart noise by scooting the chair around and our (now delivered food) was getting cold. She accused me of a farting liar and left. It’s now Monday morning and I still haven’t heard from her as I lie here and shit post my gastric misfortunes

Believe it or not, this was the short version. Is there a chance for us or is she out? Should I have taken ownership of the fart? Thoughts?

TOP COMMENTS

LegoTomSkippy**

Shoulda forced another out while trying to recreate it with the chair.

~

FaTD89

You farted and lied about it - so were you „gas-lighting“ her?

It‘s fine, I‘ll see myself out…

~

Trader0721

Amateur…you should have looked her in the eye and asked her, “how dare you?!…at dinner no less”…

FINAL COMMENT BY OOP

So l've had time to think and read up on it. Evidently, when you fart, you're admitting l methane gas into the air which breaks down ppls immune system. However, the business end of my ass was not facing her. Had the chair had a cushion, she (A) wouldn't have heard it in the first place due to the vibration of the hard surfaced chair & (B) the cushion would've absorbed said fart particles and/or methane gas. Anyways, I'm literally shit out of luck now

  May 2, 2024

Posted by

This is the other side of the story because my date posted his version here about a month ago and I just found out.

This guy and I hit it off and after a few weeks of talking, I agreed to go on a date with him. He was very funny, intelligent, and cute- to name just a few.

As we were getting to know one another, we discussed things that we love, hate, and annoyances from a relationship standpoint. None of them from either of us were crazy. Some of mine were; I won’t tolerate dishonesty, I don’t like feet, and I don’t like bathroom talk.

Fast forward to our date: Everything is going well. We get our drinks & appetizers. He got some kind of bean soup as an app. He was slurping it out of the bowl- didn’t really bother me, it was just noticeable. Dinner comes out and he lets out the loudest, rank fart that I’ve ever had the displeasure of witnessing (I work in healthcare.)

Honestly, he looked so embarrassed, I was going to ignore it and continue with dinner. That is until he practically yelled out “I didn’t fart! It was the chair! The chair farted. Not me. I promise I didn’t fart.” So I said it’s okay, just please stop saying that and lower your voice.

Y’all, I kid you not. This man starts scooting around on the chair and telling me he’ll prove to me he didn’t fart and just listen for the chair.

This went on for a solid 5 minutes with people staring at us. I was so embarrassed and he would not let it go. I finally just got up and left.

He left me several voicemails afterwards telling me how dramatic I was for leaving over a squeaky chair and how ridiculous my pet peeves were. I never responded to him and then I found out about his Reddit post.

Can y’all blame a gal for walking out?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

JDOXVC805

Serious question, if he apologize for the fart would have stayed on the date?

OOP

Absolutely. If it was a one time thing & we could have moved past it, I would have stayed & even gone on a second date.

Silent-Nebula-2188

Lol are you sure ? I’ll gladly admit if someone farts on the first date and it stinks I’m unlikely to make it to the second date. I just can’t imagine smelling someone’s rank farts that early on lol

Either way I think he said some of the pet peeves you had were deal breakers so nothing of value was lost

OOP

He dramatized our conversation. Lying? Deal breaker, sure. My personal pet peeves… let’s just say.. unless you’re intentionally doing them.. I’m going to be forgiving. But lol I did not write out policies and procedures for how I expect a date to go, like he made it sound.

OOP When asked to give him a second chance

If it wasn’t for the incessant and blatant lying about it and him not letting it go that he let one go…

TOP COMMENTS

ParkingLotFlasher

I like how in his post he says he was gassy all day and then in your post you say how he ordered the bean soup.

Guy set himself up HARD, LMAO.

~

Careless_Welder_4048

Omg no way this is real???? What I would give to be sitting at the restaurant and watch this unfold.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Interviewer made a comment about my [24F] facial expressions. I have Tourette's.

TRIGGER WARNING: Ableism

  Apr 13, 2016

Sorry if this is in the wrong sub. I am feeling so down about what happened and don't know what to ask, exactly.

Edit: I just posted and see how very long this post is. Sorry in advance, and thank you to those of you who make it through.

Some background: I have Tourette's and OCD. It's actually Tourettic OCD, where my "compulsions" are, in addition to other actions and mental activities, muscular tics. A lot of these are on my face. I have had this since I was about 10 years old and have gotten very adept at hiding them. The tics come and go and change sometimes; if there's a really extreme one I can usually suppress it so it is very slight, or I can basically adopt a new tic and stop focusing so much on the other, more embarrassing tic. The tics still happen, but it is very restrained and I usually do it when someone has looked away. Some of the tics I have now are eye blinking, eye movement, eyebrow arching and furrowing, and grimacing with my mouth. Most people have no idea I suffer from this because I have gotten so good at hiding it. If I tell someone about it, they can pay attention and see the little lapses I have pretty often, but I don't think most people would give it a second thought if they didn't know to look for it. I am very proud of myself for having been able to restrain my tics so much. There is no cure for Tourette's, so I have to live with it. One thing that is very hard is that I am ALWAYS in conscious control of my facial muscles. Other people, I imagine, don't even remember their faces regularly (if that makes sense). I am always thinking about my face -- "Don't grimace yet; he's looking." "Don't blink too hard many times in a row." "Don't furrow your brows while they're talking to you; hold on until they look away." It's mentally exhausting.

I had an interview yesterday. I think it went well -- they have tons of applicants so I can't say I feel 100% that I got the job, but I know I would do a good job and I think I performed well in the interview. There were 3 rounds; the first was with the manager, the second was with two people on the team I would be working with, and the third was with another person, Albert [20sM], on the team as well as Jake [40sM], a manager of a closely related team who was helping Jake conduct interviews. Jake was very funny and easy to talk to, and Albert was very sweet and also easy to talk to.

The third round was going very well. We were all laughing a lot, talking about our backgrounds, and discussing my skills and application. I had a lot of questions and we were all getting along great. One of the questions I always ask in interviews is something along the lines of, "Is there anything in my candidature that gives you worry compared to other applicants, and is there anything I can clarify to assuage a doubt you might have?" Jake was thinking long and hard, hands behind his head, the works. He then said, "You need to be mindful of your facial expressions. You're like me in that your eyes and you face relay a lot about what's going on in your head." Albert did one small nod, but I don't know if that's because he agreed or was just participating in the conversation.

I was pretty shocked, because I've never heard that about myself from anyone. I have been so proud of myself for suppressing my tics. I thanked him for his input and said, "I hope I'm not being too personal, but I actually have Tourette's and many of my tics are centralized on my face." Jake then said, "No no, it's not tics, it's everything -- your eyes, your eyebrows, your mouth. I don't mean to insult you, but since you asked I think it would be useful for you to know. I used to suffer from the same thing." I was still kind of shocked and said, "I'm so sorry, but the tics are even with my eyebrows and my entire face; I'm sorry if I gave the impression I was ever uninterested or anything but happy to be here." Jake replied that he knows it's a nervous setting, I'm probably not always like that, but I should be relaxed and smile. Since I had asked he thought he should give me an honest answer. Please note that throughout all this, I remained in an upbeat mood and, to the best of my knowledge, didn’t display how awful I felt. I said with another smile, “You know, I thought I was smiling a lot this interview!” Then Albert said, “Yeah, I actually noticed how much you were smiling.”

Ok, so basically that happened and I was floored. I thanked Jake several times for his input and said that I was grateful to get a rare, honest opinion. Thankfully the interview was coming to an end then. I shook their hands, thanked them again, and Albert walked me down to the entryway. He was supposed to escort me out but I asked where the restroom was, so he told me where to go and how to leave when I was out.

I got to the bathroom and was trying not to break down. I was in the stall saying, “Please not now, please not now, please not now…” But, of course, I started crying some. I was able to dry off my face and wait for an Uber to come. By some miracle, I got an incredible Uber driver who was a minister. He saw I was upset and at first thought it was just an interview gone wrong, but since I couldn’t stop the tears from falling I just told him what happened. He was so kind and prayed for me, said it was God’s work that he and I met at this moment. He made me feel better in the moment. When I got home, I just broke down again.

I don’t know what exactly I’m asking for — words of wisdom, advice on how to grab life by the horns and not let this bring me down too much? I am now constantly doubting myself; do other people think I have some attitude but just don’t say anything? Am I screwing myself over in job interviews? What can I do? My Uber driver said I should embrace my tics and not suppress them, since they’re part of who I am. I wish I could do that, but I’m not confident enough at this stage. Regardless of how it SHOULD be, I know that going into a job interview and making weird movements with my eyebrows and grimacing and jerking my leg will not give the right impression. I am really smart and a great worker, I am pretty, and I am friendly and happy. I just don’t know what to do. I felt like everything I’ve worked for was just brought down. I’m tearing up writing this now.

Has anyone ever been through anything like this? Please help. Thank you.

tl;dr I have Tourette’s. Interviewer thought I was being overly expressive and showing my emotions too clearly, when in fact I was trying really hard just to repress my tics. I feel humiliated and like I’ll never be on an even playing field.

  Apr 27, 2016

Thank you so much to all of you who commented; you really helped me get some perspective. Looking back I was probably overreacting some because it was so personal to me.

Before I do the update — a lot of people mentioned that they weren’t aware of how Tourette’s can manifest itself. I also got some PMs about it, so here is just a bit more information. Basically to be “qualified” for Tourette’s, you have to have multiple tics, both motor AND vocal. Funnily enough, although I had tics since around middle school, I only learned about Tourette’s through watching a South Park episode about it in my first year of college. So if you are interested in learning more (they give a great overview of the disorder) and also laughing a lot, I recommend you watch S11E08 of South Park, “Le Petit Tourette”.

So on to the update — I had my interview on Tuesday when I made my post. On Friday afternoon, I got a call from HR; she asked me how the interview went. I wondered if something had been mentioned, so I said it went well except for this one awkward exchange, and I explained briefly what happened. She said she was sorry to hear abut the unpleasantness, but she was calling to let me know that every person I had met with had great things to say about me, and they unanimously voted to give me an offer.

SO I got the job! It was a good offer with nice benefits. It’s not my dream job, though, and I was actually in the later stages with another position that I really, really wanted. I asked them if I could have a week to respond; they said yes.

Yesterday, I got a call from this second company, and they gave me an offer too. The offer was a ton more money than the first one, like over 30% more, it’s the exact position I have been looking for for months, and it’s right by the beach! I of course accepted. I am ecstatic and will find a new apartment and start the new job in June, which is after my May wedding :)

Thank you again for your kind words. I appreciate it. Feel free to PM me if you have any more questions about Tourette’s!

tl;dr I got the job I had the awkward interview for. I got a great offer from another company with my dream job, which I accepted. I’ll be making lots more money, living at the beach, and getting married in less than a month!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Bag-o-beans

OP, a few thoughts.

I really like Jake. From your original post:

Jake then said, "No no, it's not tics, it's everything -- your eyes, your eyebrows, your mouth. I don't mean to insult you, but since you asked I think it would be useful for you to know. I used to suffer from the same thing."

Wow. What a window for connection!

But I really like you even more!

"The tics come and go and change sometimes; if there's a really extreme one I can usually suppress it so it is very slight, or I can basically adopt a new tic and stop focusing so much on the other, more embarrassing tic. The tics still happen, but it is very restrained and I usually do it when someone has looked away. Some of the tics I have now are eye blinking, eye movement, eyebrow arching and furrowing, and grimacing with my mouth. Most people have no idea I suffer from this because I have gotten so good at hiding it. If I tell someone about it, they can pay attention and see the little lapses I have pretty often, but I don't think most people would give it a second thought if they didn't know to look for it. I am very proud of myself for having been able to restrain my tics so much."

You go on and on like this! It's amazing. You should be proud. You have taken the lemons of a potentially debilitating condition and mastered it to make lemonade. Jake could appreciate this, I'm guessing Albert could too. Which is why they were so willing to hire you. Take a guess at how many job applicants they get with that level of self-mastery.

Last thought. Jake is inviting you into the Adult Tourettes Club. I'm a member myself.

OOP

Thanks :)

Just want to say -- Jake wasn't referring to Tourette's; he was referring to the idea that my emotions are easily seen in my face. I don't fault him horribly because he was trying to salvage an awkward situation.

Glad to be in the club, though :D

~

[deleted]

Wow, what fabulous news, first an offer, then a much better offer! Congratulations!

Can you let your Uber driver know? :)

OOP

We are actually trying to find him to invite him to the wedding, haha!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Boyfriend [25M] and his sister-in-law [28F?] sneaked out to the beach at 3am.

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, manipulation

June 5, 2016

OK so last night that happened. We've been together for a year.

We were visiting his parent's house (who live by the beach) and his brother was also there with his wife. We stayed there last night and at around 3am I was half sleep and noticed that he's leaving the room. I thought he's probably going to the bathroom or something. I heard some noises from downstairs and I wasn't paying attention until I saw from the window that he's going out to the beach with his brother's wife!

They came back about an hour later.

I still haven't confronted him and was wondering what this could mean. What was it that they needed to do? I don't know what to think. Is it something that I can be upset about? Sneaking around at night isn't cool in my opinion.    tl;dr: Boyfriend sneaked around at 3am with his sister in law to go to the beach and came an hour later while he thought I was sleeping.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

I'm very surprised you didn't follow them. It could have a range of interpretations from a crazy idea to wanting to fuck on the beach

OOP

I wanted to but they had locked the front door behind them, and I didn't have the key.

AngelicPrincess

This is a new one to me. Do tell, how do you get locked IN a house?

OOP

The lock has keyholes in both sides. I imagine my in laws lock the doors at night and keep the key somewhere inside and my boyfriend had a spare key so he opened it, got out and locked it back

panic_bread

What if there's a fire?

&

I once went on a couple of dates with a guy. On our second date, he invited me over to his house to watch a movie. When it was time to leave, it turned out that the door was locked from the inside and it took him about 10 minutes to track down the key. I never went on another date with that guy again.

  June 9. 2016

Hey again.

As much as I wanted to tell you all that it was over nothing, that they just wanted to get some air or smoke some weed or something, not the case. They were indeed fucking.

I asked my boyfriend about it. Didn't mention that I saw him go out with her, just that I saw him leave the bed and come back later. He told me that he just went to pee and then saw his dad in the kitchen who couldn't sleep and they had a chat for a while. Liar.

I asked his sister in law immediately after that, said that I saw her from the window for a second. Was I just imagining it since I was half sleep or did she go out "alone" that time of night? She said that she enjoys midnight breaths and alone walks on the beach. Liar again.

I told his brother that I saw them leave. He told me that they enjoy long walks on the beach. He couldn't be bothered to go with them. I thought liar.

So apparently they gave each other the heads up since my boyfriend came to me and told me everything an hour later. Him and his brother like sharing their girlfriends and SOs. He's been fucking his sister in law for years now. That night was just another moment. He told me that he wanted to tell me when the time is right or when he thought I'm prepared so that I can join in and sleep with his brother so they don't even need to sneak around.

He wasn't even admitting that it was cheating, saying that it doesn't count since it's his sister in law not some random girl. I don't even know what to say to that. He called me traditional for thinking it was cheating. Yeah. I consider having sex with anyone else cheating, call me traditional.

So I broke up with him and left him to deal with his weird shit with his brother and I'm actually happier now. The thought of what he was up to all those times grosses me out completely. He can fuck himself. We wanted to go on a holiday together, now I'm gonna go have fun with my cousins instead.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

prettyandsmart

I love that he said it's not cheating because it's his SIL. WTF??? That is literally the craziest statement I have ever seen.

Not to mention it's pretty fucked up to have this arrangement, get a girlfriend, and keep it secret until you think she's "ready" to exchange SO's and have sex with the brother. How the hell are you going to assume that your girlfriend is going to be down with doing it when you finally explain the arrangement?? OP you dodged a freight train.

OOP

He thought he was preparing me for it slowly.

~

are-you-sitting-down

Do take the time to go get checked out for STDs.

OOP

I have an appointment for tomorrow actually. I'm gonna make sure everyone knows their shit if he's given me something. Their parents don't know. They will if I have an STD.

Commenter

Don't let anger and revenge control your actions. Also remember that the girl has done you no harm so disclosing her secret might not be fair to her.

OOP

She's done me no harm? She had sex with my boyfriend God knows how many times behind my back while knowing I wouldn't be OK with it and she lied to me about it face to face. Fuck her.    tl;dr: They were fucking. His brother knew. It was their thing. They wanted me involved too. No way. We broke up. Fuck them all.

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Originally posted to &

AITA for not wanting to put my future on hold to watch my sister's kids?

Trigger Warnings: neglect, emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior

: May 1, 2024

I'm an 18-year-old female with an older sister, Sarah, 29, who has two children, ages 8 and 4. Most of my childhood was spent taking care of her kids while she went out partying. Now that I'm starting a practical nursing course to boost my university resume, Sarah is asking me to put my future on pause and watch her kids so she can enjoy herself before I leave for university.

Our mom warned me when I was young not to babysit for Sarah's kids because of her attitude. She also said this might be Sarah being jealous because she used to study nursing but dropped out due to bad company and not passing her final exam.

Everything came to a head yesterday when applications for the course opened, and I was talking to our mom about it. Sarah overheard that I applied and got mad, shouting about how selfish I am and how this is the only thing she's ever asked me to do. I told her to stop being childish and that it isn't my fault she had children, and I'm not their mother. The kids have called me "mom" for about two years, even when corrected. Apparently, I shouldn't have said that, as she started yelling at our mom, saying I'm her favorite because if I wasn't, she would tell me to put my future aside and help her with her children.

Our mom told her point-blank that she would never tell any of us to put our future on hold. She said she gave us all the same opportunity, and it's not anyone's fault that Sarah didn't use hers wisely. Now she has children, and I'm going to take my life more seriously. She needs to take responsibility for her children because no one told her to have them, and she can't look after them.

Sarah started crying and left, then our mom started on me, saying she warned me from the very beginning, and I didn't listen. She said I need to stop being a pushover because I lost all my childhood when I was supposed to be outside playing with friends, going out, and just being a kid. I was babysitting like I gave birth. Our mom said it's my fault Sarah became so entitled because when she made plans for me to go out, I would cancel to watch the children. She's not wrong; I would always feel sorry for Sarah because she knew how to manipulate me, just because I don't like to see people suffer or be sad.

Sorry for the long post; I just want to know if I'm the asshole for not putting my future on hold. I do know I'm not putting my future on hold.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Relevant/Top Comments

IllustriousKey842: NTA - Where is the father of these children?

Does your Sister live with you and your mother?

Your Sister needs to stop having kids she can't take care of, and no she isn't taking care of them, YOU ARE.

OOP: So my niece father is working oversea not sure about my nephew father. Yes my sister live with us it normal for us as we live in a family area so everyone is related in some way.

mdthomas: So your sister had children and expects everyone to accomodate her so she can live the lifestyle of someone her age without children.

I told her to stop being childish and that it isn't my fault she had children, and I'm not their mother.

You are absolutely correct. They are her children, she is responsible for providing care. Not you.

NTA

Responsible-End-6371: NTA, but there is a whole lot of truth being laid out here in your post.

First, Sarah is ridiculously entitled. Her children are her responsibility. You are sweet to help her, but you should not sacrifice your own future for her. Sarah is also projecting her own insecurities, because she knows (deep down) that she has made some poor decisions in her life. Instead of facing that and bettering herself, she is choosing to lash out.

Second, your mom seems like a piece of work. That said, there is some truth to what she told both you and your sister. She is right to back you against Sarah's entitled attitude. And even though what she told you was harsh, there is a nugget of truth to it. Your mom likely realized that Sarah has entitlement issues many years ago. She was right to warn you against Sarah's entitlement, though I do think she should have stepped in MUCH earlier that she did. It does seem like your mom needed to step up and defend you, instead of just watching as you sacrificed your life for babysitting.

Regardless, please make sure that you prioritize your future now. NTA

Emotional-Pilot-4811: NTA. Your sister has been making you pay for her decision to be a parent so that she can go out and party.

DO NOT give up your future plans for your sister. Her kids are not your responsibility. Better yet, refuse to watch them unless she pays you.

: May 2, 2024

Thank you for all the support and kind words; it has been eye-opening. So, yesterday, after my sister left crying, she didn't come home immediately; she waited for her kids' school to be dismissed to pick them up. I know I should have expected her to try and poison them against me, but I really wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt that she wouldn't stoop that low.

When they came home, the children were crying; they ran up to me, asking me not to hate them - that broke me. My niece went into a panic attack because when she gets overwhelmed, she starts having panic attacks. I've brought her to a doctor before, and she was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, so it takes a lot of my energy to calm her down, as someone with ADHD as well.

I asked my mom to take the kids to my room, as that's the only place they feel safe when they're overwhelmed. After they were out of earshot, I went off on my sister; I became a little personal with some of the things I said, but here's the gist of it: "When will you grow up? You've had 7 to 8 years to run around, party, and do as you please while I've been raising your children to the point where they call me mom. When will you wake up and be the best mother to your children instead of going out drinking and jumping from one man to another? I'm sick and tired of you; I'm not putting my life on hold for you; I've done enough for you. I love the kids, but as the only sensible role model they have, I doing this to show them it's okay to leave people behind. So, get your shit together and be the best mother you can to those kids because they're amazing. Do you think dealing with two children who have ADHD and are on the spectrum is easy? It's not, but I did do it without any help from anyone, not even mom, because she was always working, and I can't really blame her because my dad passed, and she was the only one there to work and provide for my younger brother and me. So, yeah, I basically raised three kids from age 11 till now, and that's going to change."

I left her in the living room and called Tony and James, my niblings' father; I explained the situation, and I told them it's time for them to be a part of their children's lives, like they can't just send child support because children need their parents for proper development.

Our 34-year-old older brother, Josh, called mom and told her to have me pack my bags and move in with him until my program started. I'm going to write letters for my niblings so their mom doesn't cause any more damage. I've made a list of things they like, how to get them to take their medicine, and how to calm them down; I even have a scrapbook of all our moments for each of them.

I did later explain to them that I'll always love them; I'm worried, even though I taught my niece how to take care of herself and her brother, I don't want a repeat of my upbringing; they deserve way more than that. My mom also apologized for neglecting me and not being a good mom; I've forgiven her. Later, after I helped my niblings with their homework, bathed them, and put them to bed, and started my homework, my sister came into my room, asking if we could talk; I said yes. She apologized, yes, she did; she said she was jealous that I didn't make any wrong decisions, and she's going to send the kids to their father while she gets into rehab and therapy because her behavior isn't normal, and she's going to try to be the best mother she can; she thanked me for everything I did for her and the kids. I was crying at this point; I guess she just realized how hurt the kids are when she told them I hated them and that I was leaving. I told her she's forgiven, but not fully; she has to show me she will change; she hugged me and left. I guess this is a start, even though it's small; it's still a change; let's see how long it will last.

I'm trying to get into therapy, but I'm on a waiting list. The earliest appointment available is in 9 months, which is a start, I suppose. Once again, thank you for all the support.

Relevant/Top Comments

Prestigious_Time_138: Your mom is the real villain in all of this. She let one of her daughters badly exploit the other and then blamed YOU for having been exploited as an 11-year old.

Distance yourself from your psychopathic family and do what’s right for you.

ChenilleSocks: I am really glad that your sister owned up to part of her actions. I hope that she is able to make real change, and this isn’t just her trying to avoid consequences. (Same with your mother, as comments on your initial post said – she did not do right by you, and one apology is not going to fix that. It may be that when you start therapy, the resentment anyone would feel being treated as your mother treated you will come to the surface. Hopefully you can process through it, but you may require some distance from your mother and sister.)

Even when you go forward with your own future, I’m sure you’re going to be an amazing role model for those kids. And they will know that you are there for them and can hear them and see who they really are, since it seems that their mother is unwilling to do so far.

Wishing you all the best in nursing school! I’m glad that your brother is able to house you so that you can put your best efforts toward your degree.

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