I am not The OOP, OOP is

My [24M] girlfriend [24F] went way too far pranking her male friend [24M] and now I'm wondering if the pranks are flirtation after all.

Thanks to for suggesting this and for finding the last update

TRIGGER WARNING: assault, emotional infidelity, accusations of infidelity, harassment, physical violence, manipulation, body injuries, verbal abuse

  July 2, 2015

My girlfriend of 2 years has had this male friend for a while, his name is Declan and I'm not his biggest fan but I didn't want to impede on the friendship.  So she told me last week that Declan pranked her by calling her up and pretending to be Jack Nicholson with one of those soundboards, so she wants to 'get him back.'  So as a 'joke' the next time we were over at his place she used his landline to call a sex hotline that charged by the minute and then just left the phone there.  Declan gets charged like $200 for it.

So Declan strikes back at her again (at this point they're still just being "goofy" and I don't really mind).  He comes over to her place for a party she was throwing, then hides this creepy decapitated doll in her closet.  She finds it, freaks out, but then starts laughing.

Now she wants to prank Declan even harder, so she knows he's scared of clowns and she literally makes this giant paper mache clown statue that's hollow on the inside.  She wants to put it in his house (apparently his roommate will let her in or something) then hide in it all night and then pop out of it as soon as he notices it.

So, I tell her this seems a little extreme but she does it anyway.  Fast forward to that night.  I get a call from my girlfriend because Declan apparently punched her in the face as soon as he saw her pop out of the clown thing, totally as a knee-jerk reaction because he didn't know it was her.  Her nose wound up getting broken, she had to go to the hospital.

Now she's fine (although she is still wearing a splint) but she wants to continue pranking Declan.  At this point should I put my foot down?  She is actually getting injured and it makes me wonder if she just likes being around him so much that she is using the pranks as an excuse.

   tl;dr: Girlfriend is in "prank war" with her best male friend, is it leading up to an emotional affair?

  July 2, 2015 (16 hours later)

Didn't think I'd have to do an update so soon after posting my OP, but here goes.

I talked to my girlfriend about Declan and I told her that the pranks are getting dangerous, and she is unreasonably close to a guy she's only known for such a short amount of time (she refers to him as "her brother" and her "BFF" but it's literally been 5 months).

I thought she would react in a mature way, but instead she said (almost word for word): "This is why I am always pranking Declan.  At least Declan has a good sense of humor.  I wouldn't even need to hang out with Declan if you weren't so uptight."  So, at least now I have confirmation that she hangs out with Declan specifically because she thinks I am not good enough.

We wind up having a screaming match, and the door rings so she goes to get it.  It's this guy in a giant gorilla costume, who barges in and starts humping all our furniture.  Immediately I assume it's fucking Declan, so I (keep in mind I was already extremely angry) punch him in the face.

He takes off the mask, it's Declan's roommate Chad.  Apparently Declan paid Chad $100 to scare us in the gorilla suit as a diversion, because he was right behind Chad.  While Chad was humping our furniture, Declan snuck into our bedroom and put ham underneath the mattress cover.

So I tell both of these dudes to get the fuck out and stop pranking us.  I thought I was finally standing up to Declan when finally my girlfriend tells me that the prank was "hilarious" and she's going to give me time to cool off.  She leaves with Chad and Declan, and keep in mind Chad's nose is still bleeding and he's wearing the gorilla suit.

I haven't heard from her yet today, but I saw her post a picture of a bagel on Instagram this morning so I know she's awake.  I still don't know where she slept last night or what happened with Declan. 

I want to break up because I'm so angry but weirdly enough I still really love her (I can't help it) and I don't want to waste two years.

   tl;dr: Girlfriend's annoying male friend pulled a stupid prank on us, girlfriend got mad at me for not finding it funny and left the apartment with him

  July 6, 2015

Well, this is the latest one:

Here.  Spread it around!  I can't believe I was removed!

For those of you who don't want to read the earlier posts, my girlfriend (now ex) got way too close to her male friend Declan through an infantile prank war, whose roommate Chad facilitated some of the pranks. I also want to say THANK YOU for the helpful PMs and comments of support, I got way too many to reply to all of them, but they were all helpful.

Sorry for updating so late, a lot has happened and it was 4th of July weekend.

The night of my previous post, I broke up with my girlfriend. I told her pretty much exactly what was suggested. I even told her hat I thought her behavior with Declan was already an emotional affair if not a physical one. Not surprisingly, she flipped out at me and told me I was being emotionally abusive and controlling. She told me that every ex-boyfriend she's had has been emotionally abusive and I fall right into that category. ok. lol

Because she's only "kind of" living with me and technically not on the lease (she's just slowly been staying here more often and has a key) it was pretty easy to kick her out. I wasn't sure if she was going to return to her old roommate, who has most of her stuff (her female friend) or if she'd start living with Declan and Chad (his roommate). When I asked her if she was going to move in with Declan, she told me it was no longer my business.

Anyway, so that night I tried to relax...I was pretty upset but pretty sure in my decision to dump her, and I felt like I could start new, meet someone else, etc. Then I got a bunch of random calls on my phone from a restricted number, when I picked up nobody was there. So I turned my phone on silent, figuring this was one of her immature schemes (tbh I still don't know who did it, I'm just assuming her or Declan) and in the morning I had 60 missed calls from restricted numbers.

In the morning I actually got a text from Declan asking to come over to pick up my girlfriend's stuff. So...yes, she moved in with him. I tried to be civil because I really just wanted to get her stuff out of my apartment, but I also wanted closure, so when he got here, I just told him that his relationship with her directly influenced the breakup, and that I know they're together now.

Now, this is where things get weird. Declan looks at me- surprised- and tells me that he doesn't think my girlfriend is into him, and that he definitely isn't into her. I told him to cut the crap, that it doesn't matter anymore. He seemed to be getting anxious and panicky, so I told him to calm down, i wasn't going to hurt him, I just wanted to know the deal. Then he tells me that he knows he directly contributed to our breakup, but not in the way I think--apparently it was Chad, not Declan, who wanted to bang my girlfriend. Chad was too shy and asked Declan to befriend my girlfriend and act as a "wingman." Declan has tons of female friends so Chad thought he would effectively gain her trust and be a good "in". Declan insisted the reason he kept pranking her and being goofy was because he was hoping it would paint their relationship as clearly non-romantic. Apparently Chad paid him back for all the times he had to lose money in a prank, and Chad was actually the one paying for my girlfriend's broken nose.

I told him "Well, that was a stupid plan because my girlfriend moved in with you specifically to be with you, so that sucks for all three of you." Declan got extremely upset and seemed to be practically shaking at the idea that my girlfriend had feelings for him, he was acting like he murdered someone.

So now my girlfriend (well, ex) is living with the guy she has a crush on (who has no feelings for her) and a guy who has a crush on her but was too creepy and weird to say it. I hope they all have fun together.

tl;dr: Dumped girlfriend, she moved in with Declan and it turns out Declan doesn't like her, Chad does.

I'm sure she will contact me again once it dawns on her that the "wrong guy" is interested. I will update you all if that happens.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by in Thank you, Meg, for letting me repost this!

Yes, 90s and 00s kids: Neopets is still alive and (mostly) well.

trigger warnings: none

mood spoilers: happy and wholesome

- 7 April 2024

This is going to sound like I’m absolutely batty. I’ve accepted my fate.

I made friends with another RP writer on the boards well over a decade ago, and through various usernames they mainly went by Haku (I think they once told me it was a reference to Spirited Away). We ended up writing for years on DeviantArt then Gmail. We went long periods without talking, but one day they fully disappeared. I’ve written once every year or two to check in with no response. We shared some details about our lives here and there, but never a lot. I realized once we lost contact that if something happened to them, I’d never know or get closure.

I finally found my old login to DeviantArt, and they messaged me back in October! Turns out she got locked out of her old email and was trying there as a last-ditch effort. I’m worried it’s too late and they won’t see my response now. But knowing they’re okay has been such a relief.

If anyone reading this could do me the biggest favor of upvoting and/or commenting to get some traction, it would mean the entire world to me to try and find my friend. I don’t know if they’re on Reddit, I don’t even know their real name for sure, but I’d like to try. This friend got me through a lot of dark years and I’ve missed them dearly.

Anyway. Thanks for entertaining a crazy lady on the internet! I hope they eventually see my reply and we can reconnect. 🥰

Mods updated Meg's flair to say "If you're Haku, message me!", and Neopians (Neopets users) rushed to bump the thread

Within hours, :

Meg?????

MEG?????????

I'm Haku. Oh my God I'm so glad you got my message. 😭😭😭😭😭

I missed you so much! I'm so sorry for disappearing. My email got hacked (around the time of one of those big department-store card/info leaks, so I think it was that?), and Yahoo support never responded when I tried to get it back. I tried to message you from a new account, but I couldn't remember if your email had an underscore or a dash or numbers or anything and I sent something to as many variations as I could think of but none of them worked.

I've been checking deviantArt once a month hoping for a reply, but I haven't been on for my April check yet. It's such a wild world that the Neopets sub is what worked!

Thank you everyone for boosting this! It popped up on my home feed and I instantly clicked.

Pardon me while I go cry happy tears for the rest of the night!

- 8 April 2024

Body of original update is a screenshot of Haku's comment

, Meg writes:

I'm still shaking and smiling like an idiot, but I confirmed it's her! I cannot believe this worked lol. I'm so, so grateful to everyone who boosted. We have so much catching up to do, and it's thanks to you guys!!

and ,

Haku here to second the thanks! I honestly don't know what to say except how exuberantly happy and incredibly grateful I am to have my old friend back. THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who boosted and upvoted and got Meg's post to my home feed! I love this community.

Meg's flair was updated to "Finder of Haku" and Haku's is "The River Spirit", a reference to the original character from Spirited Away.

- 28 April 2024

When I reached out to Meg, she also offered one more update via DM since she and Haku reconnected at the beginning of the month:

We’ve been texting ever since we reconnected! We went straight back into writing, and we’re already at over 15k words lol. It turns out we also live about an hour and a half away, so we plan to hang out irl for the first time at some point! I’ve been telling all of my friends about how excited I’ve been, and I’m so happy I reconnected with Haku. I feel insanely lucky that I found her again and still floored that Reddit helped us. I still appreciate it more than I can say.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. This is in violation of a subreddit rule, and is considered brigading.

I am NOT OOP. Original post by in and

Long post, I have provided comments from original threads, these provide extra information however are not vital for understanding the post and can be skipped. Though, I recommend reading them as they provide more context. Your choice though.

- 22 April 2024

Hey people.

This is a long story, but I’m going to try and condense it as much as possible. Basically about 9 weeks ago my maternal cousin and I both completed an Ancestral/DNA test through one of the popular brands.

My parents are very against these DNA tests (I thought) because they don’t like the idea of giving your DNA to these companies and so have forbidden me from doing them in the past when I brought up the idea. Though, I now know the real reason they were against me doing it.

My cousin (James) got his results first and matched with loads of people saying my mother’s maiden name, as well as other names known within my mother’s family line.

I got my results about a week later and not only did I not match with my cousin, I didn’t match with any of my cousins matches nor did anyone share my mothers maiden name. My dad (and I) have an extremely common surname in my country -think “smith”- and I did match with a few people who shared that name but none were close matches, 3rd-4th cousins being the closest. So I’m just assuming it was because it’s a common surname.

James’ family know he’s done the DNA test and he’s shared the results however I have asked him to keep what he knows about mine between us for a while.

I learnt this about 2 weeks ago and have since come to the conclusion that I am adopted. At first this made me feel really upset, and I thought maybe the DNA tests were faulty but after researching, no I don’t think they are. I think I am just adopted. I have two younger brothers who are 11 and 9 who aren’t adopted because I remember my mom being pregnant with them. So I can’t understand why I was adopted.

I want to know tell my parents know about being adopted, I want to in some ways confront them and ask why they’ve lied to me for so long. But I also want to say I still consider them my only family. James thinks it’s a really bad idea, he says I should just keep it to myself because if I tell my parents I know I’m adopted it could have negative consequences on my relationship with my parents and also could get him into trouble with his parents because he bought me the DNA test and he is very close to my parents.

I’ve said I’ll just tell them I bought the test myself but he says they’ll know because he got his test so recently.

WIBTA if I ignored my cousin and confronted my parents about me being adopted anyway?

END OF POST 1

No verdict flare, not sure why, but most comments seem to be NTA.

Some relevant comments:

Comment thread 1

Commenter:

I can't imagine what you must be going through, realising that you may well be adopted, through a DNA test.

OOP:

I’m 18, but I still live with my parents part time and I live at Uni halls the other time.

Comment Thread 2

Commenter 1:

Have the DNA test done with a different company to double-check results so that your parents can't claim that the first one is in error.

OOP

Yeah, honestly this is a good idea

Commenter 2:

It might be better to tell them about the existing results before you know what the real story is. Right now you're in a gray area, where you have some possibly mixed up information and you're genuinely just asking questions rather than confronting anyone. This gives them a chance to (very belatedly) do the right thing ... or not, which would also be illuminating in a way. You can always seek confirmation and drama later if necessary or desired.

Comment Thread 3:

Commenter

You matched with distant cousins, perhaps a family member fell pregnant at a young age and your parents stepped up as a young couple who were ready to have children?

OOP:

The thing is I don't 100% know they're related to my dad because of how common our last name is. It's likely (imo) that it's just some other people I've matched with that share our name.

Update

  - 4 May 2024

TL;DR at the bottom.

This is a long story, I’m going to try and condense it. I’ve spoken about it before on a different post on my profile if you want more details.

In the past I’ve spoken about wanting to do one of those Ancestry and DNA at home tests, but my parents (or who I thought were my parents) were always against them. They told me because they don’t trust those companies with your DNA, but I obviously know the real reason now.

A while ago my cousin and I decided to buy a test each and I completed mine in secret. I was shocked when not only did I not match with him when we got the results, I didn’t match with anyone who shared a surname with any of my family (except for some matches that shared my dad’s surname, but this is an extremely common surname in my country. Think “Smith” for the USA).

I thought perhaps the test was faulty or wrong, but after some researching I had my doubts that the test was faulty. But just in case I decided to do a second test, with a different company, just in case the first one was somehow wrong. This time I bought three tests, one I gave to my paternal uncle (he’s actually only a few years older than me despite being my uncle) and one I gave to my maternal cousin, and the last one I did myself.

We sent them all off and we got our results surprisingly quickly, about 10 days after we sent them off (yesterday night). But these tests confirmed my suspicions, I’m not related to my family.

And even more, I matched with a woman “49.8% DNA match, predicted parent/child”. Looked on her profile and she was born in 1991 meaning she would have been 15/16ish when I was born. She hasn’t been active on the app for over 6 months.

I’ve written out messages to her to send and then deleted them, I’ve contemplated just saying “hello” but haven’t had the courage to actually send it off. I also could just turn off matches and make my profile invisible, that way she wouldn’t see me if she logged back in again. I could pretend she doesn’t exist and that I never found this out. I have another mom out there that I know nothing about, it makes me feel so anxiously curious.

My parents never told me I was adopted, I feel utterly betrayed by them. I’ve resisted the urge to confront them about it since I got the results back from the first test, but now I know for certain I just want to smash my fists into a wall. I want to scream at them. I hate that they’ve kept this from me for my entire life.

Now the only people who know I know is my uncle and my cousin. I trust that they won’t say anything to anyone until I’ve spoken to people about it.

I feel so lost and confused. Should I message my biological mom? Or pretend she doesn’t exist and turn my profile invisible from her?

TL;DR:

Discovered I'm adopted via DNA kit. Matched with biological mom, unsure whether to message or ignore. Feeling betrayed by adoptive parents. Uncertain about confronting them. Feeling lost and conflicted.

END OF POST 2

Some relevant comments

Comment Thread 1

Commenter:

I'm wondering if there is a possibility she did the DNA test as a vague hope that maybe one day you would use it as a tool to find her and reach out to her. Whether or not she did, the ball is in your court and I think it should stay that way until you are ready to deal with it. Reach out when you are ready. There is no real reason to rush right now, you have time.

OOP:

Yeah, I’m guessing that she did it with hopes that I would also do one one day. I mean, that makes sense. Otherwise you wouldn’t have made your profile public.

Commenter:

There are probably other factors as well, but I would bet you being able to find her was one of them, if not the only one.

Comment Thread 2

Commenter:

I gave a child up for adoption at around same age your bio mum was. Your parents are your parents. They shouldn’t have kept this secret from you, and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that.

OOP:

My parents aren’t infertile because I have younger siblings and I remember my mom being pregnant with them.

Comment Thread 3

Commenter:

You've said that you can make your profile invisible to her temporarily? Then change that later? If so, I would do that.

OOP:

Yes, I’ve done this. I don’t want her to see my profile and thinks it’s an invitation to reach out. Or to get her hopes up that I’m actively searching for her so better she just doesn’t see it. Until I’ve decided what I want to do.

Update 2

  - 8 May 2024

Hey people,

A lot has happened to me since my last post here, and before I start to explain I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented/replied to my OP. It was really helpful and I truly appreciate it. For full context read the other posts on my profile which discuss this situation further.

First things first, I decided to turn my profile private/invisible. I didn't want my biological mom (BM) to see that I had done a DNA test as an invitation to message me. I looked at her profile one last time and it still said "last online 6 months ago" or something like that, so she obviously doesn't check the app regularly. I wrote down information about her (first and last name, birth year, 'past' family names) in case in the future I lose access to the account or if I want to try to track her down and her account disappeared. Though I am hoping that if I do decide to have contact with her in the future, I will just be able to message her on the app. But just in case.

I "confronted" my parents about what I had found out, there was a lot of crying. Especially from my mom, but also from me. I told them how hurt I was that they never told me, and how much it has caused pain and anxiety to find this out on my own and feeling like I was unable to ask them about it.

They apologised to me, they explained to me that they wanted to tell me. They planned on doing it when I turned 8, but they 'couldn't go through with it' because they 'didn't want to hurt me'. They said every year they planned to tell me and every year they put it off. They told me they did it out of love for me, but also out of anxiety that it would change our relationship for the worse.

I explained to them that even if them telling me that I was adopted did hurt me as a child I would have had them there to support me through it. And that now I had found out on my own and felt like I didn't have anyone there to understand what I was going through. They took responsibility for not telling me and for the hurt it caused when I was now.

We hugged, we cried and we forgave each other. Even though I don't agree with them not telling me, I can understand their feelings and why they found it so difficult when I was younger.

After we had finished talking about it they asked me what I wanted moving forward, if I wanted to tell my brothers that I was adopted or just carrying on like nothing happened. I said I no longer wanted it to be a secret and that I wanted them to tell my brothers what they should have told me. I didn't want it to seem like a 'dirty' secret, but simply a fact of who I am and where I came from. I want it to be something celebrated, not feared to be talked about. I wasn't born into this family, but this is my family. And I feel so blessed that I was given the opportunity to become part of this family.

I asked what they knew about my BM, they said not much. They know that she was in foster care when she fell pregnant with me, and that she would have only been 14/15 at the time. She decided she didn't want to keep me but didn't want to have a termination and so I was put up for adoption and that she requested 'no contact' with me. I hope that the situation around my birth wasn't traumatic for her. I know this is a weird thought, but I hope she just got pregnant with me from another person her own age and that I wasn't a product of any abuse. That makes me sad to think about.

Sorry for the long post. Again thank you all for the help and advice you all gave me. I appreciate everything.

TL;DR: Made profile private to avoid contact from biological mom. Confronted parents about adoption, led to tears and apologies. They planned to tell me but couldn't. Agreed to tell brothers, no longer want adoption to be a secret. Grateful for my family. Biological mom was in foster care, gave me up for adoption at 14/15, requested no contact. Hopeful for her well-being. Grateful for support and advice.

END OF POST 3

Reminder, I am NOT OOP, please do NOT comment on original threads or contact OOP.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. A reminder that this sub has a 7 day waiting period, ergo the latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: happy-ish ending

Original : April 28, 2024

I (18F) have my high school graduation ceremony this Wednesday. It was sent to my parents in an email that I will be giving a speech that day as my grades made me valedictorian of my school's class of 2024, and I was excited to do so. My school made us reserve and buy tickets to the ceremony weeks in advance, and I picked mine up on the 26th.

The problem started at dinner when I told my family I picked up the tickets for my graduation day and would keep them with me until the day of just to make sure they don't get lost. My dad told me that he and my sister had plans for an hour before the ceremony, but that my mom would be there the whole time, and that they'd try to be there for the afterparty. I was honestly shocked for a moment, before starting to laugh, assuming they weren't serious.

When I realized they actually weren't joking, I'll admit I was a bit mad. I'm usually a very shy and non-confrontational person, even around my family, but I started yelling at my dad and sister, asking if they were seriously ditching my graduation ceremony. I told them that the afterparty was useless to attend, and that all the pictures of the graduates with their families would be taken at least 2 hours before the ceremony. They said it's fine and we can take our own pictures the day after my graduation, but I got up and left dinner.

Over the weekend, I saw a few people on my class group chat complain that they didn't get enough tickets, so I offered up the two tickets I had, and met up with a girl from my class to give them to her, and even though I told her not to, she actually paid me the original price for them.

When the topic of graduation was brought up by my dad today during lunch, I told him that I gave the other two tickets away and only my mom will be attending, so they shouldn't bother with the afterparty. He got mad and asked why I would do that, to which I replied that I don't see the point in wasting money on tickets if they're not going to use them. My dad blew up on me, saying I'm acting like a spoiled brat, and it's not like I'll die if he and my sister are a bit late to my graduation.

I spoke to a few people about it, my friends and my grandma. My friends said good riddance and if they consider their plans more important, they can have fun. But my grandma said that while she understands my side, I shouldn't have given away the tickets just to spite my dad, because maybe he would have changed his mind and gone on time. So I'm looking for a non-biased opinion. AITA?

Edit for info: the plans my dad and sister have is some sleepover with her and her friend group in the north, around a 2 hour drive from where we live. The parents didn’t want to leave a bunch of under 16 year old girls alone that far, so everyone’s parents are also going for supervision (apart from my mom who is going to be at my graduation)

Relevant Comments:

More on sleepover:

"My sister and her friends are having a huge sleepover and she wanted my dad to go with her even though almost everyone else’s parents would be there to supervise"

"The beaches in the north are the best in our country, so I'm guessing that's why they're going so far. I also told my dad if my sister wants to go she can go with her best friend and her parents, but apparently my sister wanted my dad there too so..."

Don't they have school?

We have 2 weeks off now for Orthodox Easter so they won’t have school until the 6th of May. Also, her friends have older siblings, but they’re not in my grade (the closest to my age graduates next year)

If I were your dad I'd expect to be sleeping on the couch:

My sister has definitely been my dads favorite the past few years tbh (also yes my dad is sleeping on the couch he laid down a bedsheet and everything 😭)

Sister:

"My sister is 15, and yeah she’s always been oddly competitive with me for the past few years especially when it comes to things I do with our parents"

"We’re both his bio kids but she’s definitely always been his favorite for the last couple of years"

What time is the ceremony?

The ceremony starts at around 8pm, but my school wants the families there at around 6 for photos and seat assignments. The after party is around 10 according to the schedule

When was the trip booked vs. the ceremony known about?

The graduation date was announced around February, and from what I’ve heard from my dad and sister I think they started planning her trip with her friends around last week.

On the timing of the event:

Hiii! I also don’t live in the US (Middle East), and in my school the graduation ceremony every year is at night for some reason 😭

My school is a mostly outdoor campus with multiple buildings so they like us to come early for those sunset graduation photos with the surrounding nature :)

Do something fun with the money!

We did! My mom and I drove down to the city and got our favorite burgers (and did some light shopping) with the money instead! 🥰

Why is mom not going nuclear?

"Honestly no, my mom has been going off on him ever since he announced the other plans. She's the exact opposite of me, not non-confrontational at all XD"

"My parents are together yes, but my dad spends the majority of his time focusing on work instead of parenting, and my mom usually takes care of that"

The speech!

Thank youuu! And yes, its definitely a couple of pages long because I have to give it in 2 languages :D

I’m giving the speech in English and Arabic 🤭

OOP is voted NTA

Update : May 1, 2024 (3 days later)

Hey everyone! First of all, I want to thank you for the interaction my original post got, which I ended up showing to my mom; we had a laugh together at some of the comments about my dad, and she wanted me to tell you she appreciated the kind words about her as well.

My graduation was today, so here is an update to my original post a couple of days ago.

Although it was just my mom and I, the day went really well. We took probably a hundred photos together, both with the school photographer and on my mom’s camera. The girl I gave the tickets to, as well as her family, even took photos with my mom and I.

I gave my speech in front of the families of maybe 100+ students (my school has 3 different programs so lots of people), and was even surprised with certificates of excellence in psychology and IT when the time came for me to get my diploma.

As for my dad and sister, my sister has been spamming her social media with videos of the sleepover with her friends, to which I’m honestly unbothered. My friends and I ended up ditching the afterparty anyways, and went for dinner in the city with our parents instead.

Overall, while I’m disappointed my entire family wasn’t there, I’m more than happy with it just being my mom and I, and I honestly feel like I had more fun with her alone than I would have had if the rest of my family showed up.

Relevant Comments:

Did you guys show Dad the thread?

Thank you! My mom and I were having a laugh and she suggested sending him a link to my original post a few hours ago, so I told her to go for it. We’ll see his reaction soon 🤭

What happened?

Let’s just say someone went to stay at his mother’s house last night and we got a call from her reprimanding my mom and I🧍🏼‍♀️

Commenter: Oh dear ! Well, she can keep him then 😆

OOP: No way that’s exactly what my mom told her 😭

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITAH for not doing anything for my step children anymore after being called names and filing for a divorce from my husband after he didn’t back me up?

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, verbal abuse, child neglect and abandonment

: April 8, 2024

I 30F have been married to my 34M husband for 6 years and he has twins, a boy and a girl and they’re 16 now. When we started dating/got married we went to family therapy and I made it clear that I was not trying to be their mother or replace their mother. Their mother hasn’t been in their life since they were about 8.

Things have been great with us these past 6 years. They even started calling me mom when they were around 12/13. Recently their bio mother came back into their lives and they were really excited. Things were great for about 6 months and then they started to call me by my real name, that hurt but it’s what they chose to do and I never questioned it.

Recently they’ve been getting very disrespectful. They don’t follow the curfew rules, they’re not cleaning up after themselves, they’re talking back to me, telling me I’m not their real mom, that I’m the reason she left (which is not true, I didn’t meet him until almost a year and half after she left) that now that she’s back they don’t need me anymore, 3 weeks ago there was a big blow up where my (step) son called me a bitch. I took his phone and told him to his room until his dad came back but instead he ran out and went to his mom’s. She came over and it was a big argument. She tried to hit me and I pushed her out of my house. My (step) daughter told me if I ever put my hands on her mom again then she’d kick my ass. They both went to their mom’s place.

After that, I haven’t been very active. I usually take them to sports and activities, I don’t wake them up for school so they’ve been late a few times. I tell them to have their mom wake them up and take them. We were supposed to go to Disney World for their spring break this week but I canceled everything. I told them and my husband and I guess they thought I was bluffing. We were supposed to leave Thursday night and when I didn’t start the usual vacation round up they were shocked. They started saying I was jealous that their mom came back in their lives, that I’m a horrible person, I’m selfish, there was some name calling and my husband was silent. I asked him if he was going to step in and he said I was wrong for canceling.

I left and went to stay in a hotel. He has been blowing my phone up asking me to come back and yesterday he told me that their mother disappeared again and they’ve been calling me crying and apologizing. I don’t want to do this anymore… I don’t feel like I’m part of their family and they can’t Just cry and come back now that she disappeared. I told my husband that I want a divorce and I’ll be back over this week to get my things but we have nothing to talk about.

Yes, I know their mother was manipulating them. I never said otherwise. Yes, they are 16… that doesn’t give them the right to treat me this way. Being 16 doesn’t mean you get to be disrespectful and threaten me. I have always been in their corner. I know their feelings matter in this but I am also a person with feelings. I am not only considering or moving forward with this divorce based on how the children acted, it is also that my husband did not back me up in this… if I can’t count on him to help me navigate this tough situation that we were all going through… then why should I stay? That does not mean that I should be treated the way I was being treated… that is not normal 16 year old behavior… to threaten me? Call me vile names? I just need time for myself.

And I don’t want an apology just because their bio mother ran out on them again… I want an apology because they really mean it and I don’t believe anyone can be truly sorry 2 days after their mother vanished again. I would never Just abandon them… but I do need time for myself because my feelings were disregarded. Yes I am an adult but I still have feelings that were hurt and need time for myself.

I never asked or expected them to be perfect. I never expected them to be the most mature people but I am allowed to be hurt and take time for myself during all of this. They have feelings and so do I. I love them very much, they are my children but this is a very complicated situation. This is not because “they called me a bitch” I’ve been called worse, I’m a woman. This is ultimately about my husband not backing me up during this situation and yes, I am hurt that they called me that I’m allowed to be… it hurts even worse coming from two people who I love dearly and would never hurt or want any harm to come to them.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

OOP on if she is leaving the marriage because of her stepchildren’s behaviors

OOP: No, I am not bailing on my marriage just because the children are acting the way they do. Did you not read the part where I also said my husband did not back me up? Am I supposed to stay in this marriage where I don’t have any support from him? I don’t know how you were as a teenager but when I was 16 I never acted like this and this is not normal teenage behavior.

OOP on the stepchildren’s biological mother

OOP: She was not back in their life until 6 months ago… I don’t know where you got 3 years from. They were not staying at our place part time. When I said that they went to her place. I mean that she lived 10 minutes down the street and when they got angry, they went to her house.

OOP on her stepchildren being disrespected to her

OOP: I upset them… I will not be apologizing for “upsetting them” when even when they were disrespecting me, I was still in their corner, hoping that their mother and then would have a good relationship. No they don’t have to be adults nor do they have to be perfect but I don’t think it’s too much to ask not to be disrespected and be called a bitch and be threatened when I have done nothing but love them and be a mother to them

OOP on her husband’s behavior being an issue

OOP: Yes, and that’s what I have been saying I know that it’s not the children’s fault. I know that it is their bio Mom’s fault and it’s my husband’s fault for not backing me up. I just need a few days to myself to work through what I’m going through internally. Yes, they are children but what they said did hurt me and I’m allowed to be hurt by it and people telling me that I am not allowed to because I’m an adult is very odd.

: May 1, 2024

Hello, I have been getting a lot of messages asking for an update. I am now in a place to be able to give an update. You can look at my previous post for what this is about.

I went back to the house 2 days ago and my husband and I had a long talk about what happened and how I didn’t feel protected by him and how he knew how disrespectful they were being but didn’t stop anything. He said that he still loved his ex and that’s why pretty much. He didn’t want to do anything for her to leave them again (them as in him and the twins) but that didn’t change how he felt about me… I did not feel comfortable with that. I told him that I’ve been there, not her and how could he still love her and it was very emotional and there was crying and yelling. I made the decision to move along with the divorce.

I spoke to the twins and they cried and said it’s their fault and to forgive them and their dad and not to leave. I told them that as much as I love them, staying with their dad and in this home was not an option but I would still love to have a relationship with them if they want but I am still very much hurt by what happened and would still appreciate a little more time for myself. I let them know that their actions have consequences and they can’t treat people the way they did.

I did move out and I was staying in a unit in one of my rental properties. Exciting news, I bought my first house. It was a fairly quick process. I’m excited for what’s next, I bought my first house ever and next month I am taking a break from work for a few weeks or the whole month … maybe 2 or 3 and doing some exploring of the world and healing and finding myself. I lost myself in the twins and my husband and didn’t really focus on what I wanted and what made me happy. So I bought tickets again for Disney World, I have also made plans to go to Thailand next month and from there… I have no clue. I’m doing some spontaneous trips… I have always wanted to see the 7 wonders of the world. Any way, I am really happy to be getting a break.

I told the kids I would love to have them over for dinner when I get settled in to my new place. I do feel bad about canceling their trip to Disney so I am thinking about funding a trip for them to go this summer for their 17th birthday… Just not with me, I’m excited to be traveling alone and I need the mental break.

That is all really…

Relevant/Top Comments

OOP on funding a trip for the stepchildren

OOP: I have to get out of that position of being a “mom” to them and after reading your comment and a few other comments like it, I will not be funding a trip for them. There definitely needs to be a stronger foundation before I even think about putting down thousands of dollars for them

Actual-Offer-127: Let your husband and their mother that he still loves to fund the trip for them. Please don't be a doormat. You can be there peripherally for the twins but ultimately they're not your responsibility and that would be over stepping.

I still can't get over him saying he still loves the woman that abandoned his kids and him. I wouldn't be surprised if he was having an affair while she was back.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

3 updates - Long

Replaced L with Larry and J with Janet

- 20th April 2024

- 20th April 2024

- 21st April 2024

- 27th April 2024

1 New Update

- 4th May 2024

Aita for refusing to have my dad in my life after he chose his new family?

When I was 13 my dad had an affair and left my mom and moved in with his affair partner who ill call Janet .

At first me and my sister would visit every weekend and I will admit he was a good dad although I never liked Janet .

When Janet got pregnant and had their son our visits became less frequent and my dad was more concerned with his new family. He would miss some of my my recitals or my sisters competitions because he was busy with his son.

When I was 16. Janet decided she wanted to move for a new job opportunity. Me and my sister begged him not to leave us bit he just said "I need to prioritise my family". He moved 10 hours away. That pretty much ended our relationship and I decided to go no contact as it was clear he did not consider me family.

My younger sister stayed in contact with him. He would try and call me and offer for me to come and visit with my sister but I refused. When he came back to see my sister I would refuse to speak to him when he turned up at the house. I didn't invite him to my high school or college graduation.

I'm now 33 and have remained no contact with him, he has over the years repeatedly tried contacting me and getting his family to contact me on his behalf to reconcile. I have avoided family events in case he attended including my sisters wedding and baby showers.

My dad and his family moved back to our home town 3 months ago and he has been relentless trying to reconcile.

I have received messages from my half brother and sister wanting a relationship saying he's a great dad. My dad found out I'm getting married and keeps trying to contact me and has even tried to speak to my fiancé.

Janet messaged me saying I have broke my dads heart repeatedly an I'm a pathetic and should get therapy. I replied back that she was nothing but a home wrecking whore and then blocked her.

Everyone seems to be wanting me to let him back in my life. I'm sick of all the harassment and accidentally bumping into my dad and his family in the town. Whenever I see him I just walk away and refuse to speak to them. Everyone is saying he's a good dad and tried his best to remain in contact but I pushed him away.

Everyone is pressuring me my mom, sister. Grandparents aunts and uncles, even some of my friends. My fiancé has even started saying I'm the AH for shutting him out. Its all starting to get to me so am I aita?

Comments

Zestyclose-Sky-1921

NTA but this is going to be brutal if your fiancé doesn't get on board with your pirate ship. Depending on the size of your hometown and how serious he is about pushing this, you may need to consider moving, especially if everyone around you is involved.

Dry_Sandwich_860

You're allowed to have whatever kind of relationship you want with your father.

Did your fiancé have to deal with being abandoned by your dad? Nope. Your sister was younger than you and may not have felt the loss like you did. You have the right to feel angry and hurt.

Block Janet . This is the woman who pressured your father to leave your town. She had an affair with him that broke up your family. Your father did those things too. Neither one of them has any right to tell you how to react or feel.

Deadbeat parents love to get back in their kids' lives when the kids are adults and no longer need to be parented and things are easy. You should feel totally free to do what is right for you.

Tell everyone else that you no longer want to hear about this. They don't get to dictate how you feel. Whenever anyone brings it up, leave the room or put down the phone. Do not tolerate it and people will learn to shut it.

Update - 8 hours later

Thankyou for all of the comments although most seem to be NTA some were YTA. Some of you gave helpful suggestions which I am planning to take on board.

I have just spoken to my fiancé and unfortunately it has not gone well but at this point in time I've had enough and want to runaway and never come back.

My fiancé knows my history with my dad and Janet . I explained to him that him siding with my father and pressuring me was hurting me and as my fiancé he should be supporting me.

My fiancé who I'll call Larry told me he can't support me in doing something that he knows is wrong. Larry told me that he had spoke to my father and had an understanding of both sides of the story and believes that if we both sit down and talk we can sort this out and reconcile.

I told Larry I don't want this and want no contact and asked why he is even speaking to my father. Larry admitted his father who is friends with my dad encouraged Larry to speak to him and hear him out.

Larry told me my dad loved me very much and always wanted to be in my life and has pictures of me (I'm guessing he got these from my family as my social media is set to private). Larry said my dad is heartbroken at the state of our relationship because I was being unreasonable about him moving away when I was young. Larry stated I got on the wrong foot with Janet and that I was not innocent in the breakdown of the relationship. He told me that everyone can see the truth but me and to look in the mirror because I'm the problem.

Needless to say I broke down crying and asked him why he was doing this to me and not supporting me. Larry claims to love me but won't stand by and watch me be "a heartless bitch".

After he said this I stood up told him that he shouldn't marry a heartless bitch and walked out. I'm currently sat in my car. My phone is blowing up with Larry trying to contact me but I dont want to speak to him. I feel like I'm losing everything and everyone i dont understand what is happening.

Comments

Ladymistery

It's going to be awful for a while don't let them wear you down - because if you do, it'll just get worse. and at least you found out before you married Larry that he is like this. I wish you the best going forward.

Update - 18 hours later

Hi everyone thanks for the comments and letting me sound off on you as I desperately need an outside perspective.

I know a lot of you telling me to cut all contact with my family and leave town. That is not an option for me financially and I would not be able to set up business elsewhere all my money is invested in it and I have only managed to get established recently with steady income relocating is not an option for me. I love my friends and family and don't want to cut everyone off, I love my hometown I grew up here this is my life and I'm not willing to walk away from it.

I didn't expect to write another update this fast but a lot has happened today.

So firstly I agreed to meet my dad to talk and try and get him to back off and leave me alone. I asked my mom to arrange it, just him no one else. I wasn't sure if he would agree to that but within 15 minutes of her calling he was at the door.

I asked my mom to stay and mediate. To summarize the conversation. These are a bit messed up because it's a lot to remember.

Me:

* I asked him to give me space and stop trying to get everyone on his side and let me live my life.

*I told him he stopped being my father when he moved 10 hrs away

*I told him Janet was mean to me and told him about all the horrible things she has said to me over the years.

*I hate how he chose Janet and his new family over me and how he told me he had to prioritise them and how he basically told me I wasn't family

* He was an AH for withholding my college fund and trying to blackmail me and then spending it on his new family

* I hate how I have missed major family events because he attended the events and would make them awkward.

* I don't see his son and daughter as my family and I'm sick of them trying to speak to me and approach me

* he keeps making scenes everytime he sees me and making me look the bad guy

* he keeps inserting himself into my life going to my fiancés family events, going behind my back to talk and sway Larry to his side

* I hate how he cheated on my mom and broke our family up and then listened to Janet who stopped our dates, missed my recitals, reduced contact and was more concerned about his son.

Him

* He loves me and always has he is never going to give up trying to reconnect and he has given me enough space over the years and he is done hearing about my life from 2nd hand knowledge and is not willing to miss any more if it.

* he loves Janet and and can't regret his past because he wouldn't have her or his 2 kids. He wishes he had done it differently and ended his marriage with my mom first.

*his kids are innocent and I shouldn't be taking it out on them they just want to know their big sister

* I was difficult child who was rude and disrespectful to Janet breaking her belongings, calling her names, ruining day outs.

* when Janet got pregnant she was high risk and me coming every week and starting arguments was stressing her out so for her and his sons sake he stopped the weekend visitation. He still spoke to us on the phone and took us out for dinner and days out but just didn't let us sleep over.

* when his son was born he was premature and had health complications which meant him staying in hospital for weeks and frequent hospital admissions. Janet was also going through PPD so he wasn't able to see us as much and had to miss some events when he was taking care of Janet and his son.

* Janet was unable to get a job locally and the opportunity was too good to pass up so they had to move. He pointed out that he came back to town for weekends as much as he could to see us and would always invite us to fly out and spend vacations with him. He phoned everyday but I refused to speak or see him.

* They had flown in for my graduation but I refused to invite him and he lost his temper and refused to give me my college fund. He apologised for this and tried to fix this a few weeks later and give me the money but I refused it. He has not spent the money he still has it and I have only to ask and I can have it. * he had visited me at my college to try and talk to me but I refused to see him.

* He is not going to miss family events

* he makes a scene because he misses me and just wants to talk to me and reconcile but I always end up running way or shouting insults at him and Janet .

* He has been trying for 16years to reconnect but I shut him down at every turn he just wants to be my dad.

* He is old friends with my fiancé dad and he hoped my fiancé could talk some sense into me and open a line of communication.

* he feels I never gave Janet a chance no matter how she tried in the beginning and hoped we could be civil. Janet hates knowing I talk bad about her, am mean to her children and won't speak to him.

He wants:

My dad is in therapy and wants me to join him for family sessions. He wants me to spend time with him 1-1 To stop being rude and mean to his children and spend time with them. Stop trash talking Janet to everyone and actually give her a chance Invite for him and my family to my wedding and to walk me down the aisle.

I want:

Him to stop talking to my friends and getting others to try and talk to me on his behalf Keep Janet away from me completely To be be civil at events or in town providing he does not try and hug me or talk to me.

My mom told him he was being unrealistic with some of the things he wants especially regarding Janet and his other children so we have agreed for now.

I will attend 3 therapy sessions with him when he arranges it. ( my mom thinks I need individual therapy as well) He will stop trying to interfere in my life and relationships He will keep Janet away from me and talk to his kids to give me space. I will be civil to him in public as long as he respects my personal space and does not approach or pressure me.

As for my fiancé - I still haven't spoken to him, he turned up at my moms but she refused to let him in. He keeps blowing up my phone and so does his family and friends telling me to hear him out.

During my conversation with my dad I found out my dad has paid for most of the vendors and services for my upcoming wedding and they have been on speaking terms for quite some time ( longer than I thought). Larry told me his family had paid for these and i believed him. I feel betrayed by him and that I can't trust him. I'm going to have to speak to him eventually but I don't feel ready.

Comments

stoat___king

"I feel betrayed by him and that I can't trust him"

I would argue that you HAVE been betrayed by him. If he is going to side against you over something that is only his business through you, then who else would he favour over you? Janet ? Mutual friends? Randos he meets at the bus-stop? I suppose your dad paying for stuff for your coming wedding is neither here nor there since I have very serious doubts it will happen. I am concerned that your dad isnt seeing your side of this at all. I dont see how you could possibly have been more clear. I wonder if he is even capable of seeing your side.

Update - 6 days later

Firstly I'd like to apologise for taking down my posts. I was really upset and felt under lot of pressure and needed space to think without constant messages. Some of you were trying to be helpful and I appreciate that but some of the abusive messages I received was terrible.

I'm updating for those who have asked for an update and were supportive to me. This will be my last post and I wont be posting again.

Firstly the deal with my dad is off the table. He couldn't even manage a week without overstepping my boundaries. So there will be no therapy sessions with him and I will remain no contact.

As you are all aware after speaking to my dad and agreeing a way forward and my conditions.

Keep Janet away from me Tell his kids to back off Don't pressure me or invade my space

It lasted all of 3 days. Everyone seemed happy I had "forgiven" my dad and told me so. My sister was excited I was willing to give him a chance and with some pressure I agreed to have dinner with just her and my dad.

When my sister and I arrived at the restaurant to meet our dad he was not alone. He had invited Janet , my grandparents his son and daughter. He got up and tried to hug me.

I immediately became upset asking why they were there. My dad told me that if we have any hope of repairing our relationship I had to accept Janet and my younger siblings. I told him he just broke our deal and to never contact me again and tried to leave. He refused to let me leave and grabbed hold of me.

When I say all hell broke loose I mean it. I started shouting at them. My Dad, Janet and grandparents tried to gaslight me and convince me to sit down when that didn't work things got very heated and a shouting match started and a lot of unforgivable things were said by my dad and Janet including remarks about my appearance and calling me a psychopath. My half brother walked out of the restaurant and my half sister started to cry.

My sister actually surprised me and defended me, shouting at my dad for ruining things after all this time when I had finally given him a chance. She even slapped Janet . She got me out of there and apologised to me. I think this was the first time she had really seen how Janet was with me and how she treat me. She kept saying she couldn't understand how dad had spent years saying he would do anything to have me back and then would do this when he finally got his chance to rebuild the relationship.

My dad has been trying to contact me but I have blocked him and refused to talk to him. I have also refused to speak to my grandparents. My dad has tried to convince my mom and sister to speak to me but I think he's burned his bridges with them.

The incident from the restaurant has spread and some people seem to be backing off. Like I said what my dad and Janet shouted at me was unforgiveable and they were overheard and this is a small town. Hopefully people will back off and those who won't Im going to have to cut them out.

My sister is very unhappy with my dad and Janet and not speaking to them. She is blaming them for me going no contact again. My sister is not letting them see her kids. I don't know if my sister will reconcile but right now she is furious. My mom is also furious and apparently had a few choice word with my dad and Janet and has promised she will never pressure me again to speak to him.

I am going to go to individual therapy I think I definitely need it. I do feel bad about my half siblings as they havnt done anything wrong and am maybe open to having a distanced kind of relationship with them in the future but I'm not ready yet or if I'll ever be. I did send them a message on Facebook to apologise and tell them they've done nothing wrong.

Lastly to update you all - in regards to my fiancé well I spoke to him yesterday about everything I had been radio silent since walking out on him.

Basically he was pressured by his father to speak to my dad and was fed a sob story of a misunderstood father desperately wanting to be in his daughters life. Larry had become annoyed with me refusing to attend his family events and walking out of his mother's birthday party when I realised my dad and Janet was there as he was getting pressure from his family about me ruining their events.

He just wanted everyone to be happy and get along clearly at my expense.

Larry admitted my dad had paid for some of the vendors for the wedding but he did not know this until after it was already paid. His father had told Larry that him and his mom had paid. My dad had told Larry it was a gift and his way of contributing. Larry admitted my dad had asked him to speak to me on his behalf.

I told Larry he had betrayed my trust and I couldn't see myself marrying someone who does not support me. He broke down crying and apologising to me and promising to never do it again. Larry was heartbroken and begged for a 2nd chance.

To those of you who wanted me to break up with him, I'm sorry to disappoint you but we are going to try and work through this. Apart from this issue he had been the best partner and I genuinely think that he had been manipulated by his family and my dad. Larry has promised to stand up to his family and go no contact with my dad.

I'm still living at my moms as I still need some space which I wont have if I move home. We are going to contact our wedding vendors and see what our options are next week. Larry is begging for a postponement rather than cancel it altogether. We may still break up as actions speak louder than words and I need to see if he can rebuild what we had and show me I can trust and depend on him.

Comments

Dachshundmom5

My dad has been trying to contact me but I have blocked him

Have you considered changing your number?

Larry has promised to stand up to his family and go no contact with my dad.

I'm not sure I understand how you are so strong with your Dad and Janet and not with Larry? His family will not stop. That's clear. So, your kids can never be left alone with them because that's when your Dad will have playdates with them. There will always be the risk of ambush. Is Larry willing to give up his family? Cause what they did is really disturbingly manipulative and deceitful.

OOP: There's no point changing my number when I've done this before he always manages to get it again.

As for Larry - breaking up is not off the table. I'm giving him a chance to show me he means what he says. I always thought I had a decent relationship with Larry'ss family, but clearly not. I'm not asking him to go NC with them thats for him to decide. I'm certainly going to distance myself from them and any further incidents no contact.

As for any future children if we are still together I won't be trusting them with my children at all

**New Update**

Update 4 - aita for not letting my dad in my life after he chose his new family - 7 days later

Hi everyone I did not plan to make another update at all but I'm still getting messages for an update and thought I would let you know the recent developments.

Firstly I have cancelled the wedding I was able to get some partial refunds but have lost some money. Larry begged me not to cancel the wedding but there was no way I could marry him after what he did.

I was set on giving him a 2nd chance and he promised me he would go low contact and stand up to his parents and issue an ultimatum that we would not tolerate any contact with my dad and Janet . Basically he would tell them we would not attend any event or party if they were invited and we would not tolerate any attempt to force contact or relationship with my dad.

He met with them to explain this to them. When he came back from this meeting he was quite irritable with me and appeared to have had a change of heart to summarize it - he was trying to convince me his family only meant well and that he can't go low contact with his family because he loves them and he can't dictate their friendships. He then tried to convince me it won't be an issue in the future and his father would speak to my dad and tell him to be on his best behaviour in my presence.

As soon as I heard this people's comments went through my head and the main one being if we had children he would take them to his family where my dad and Janet would be and I would have no control over this. At that moment I realised I couldn't trust Larry and never would be able to.

I broke up with him, he is not taking it well and keeps begging me to take him back and that he would go no contact with his family. His family and friends are trying to convince me on his behalf not to end our relationship. He has made his choice and proven to me he is spineless. I don't need him in my life.

In regards to my dad I'm looking into getting a restraining order given what happened in the restaurant I might be able to but i don't know yet a friend of mine is helping me look into this.

My dad has kept a low profile since last week apart from a couple of attempts to apologize to me I haven't heard much from him. My sister still won't speak to him or Janet . Unlike me my sister is highly confrontational and has blasted him and Janet on social media with what happened at the restaurant and things that have happened in the past which I didn't know about.

My sister and Janet had a very public screaming match when she had seen them in town due to my sisters posts and demanding to take them down it ended up with Janet assaulting my sister. My dad apparently sided with Janet in this. My sister now hates Janet and refuses to speak to our dad who is also trying to contact her.

My dad and Janet s reputation seems to have taken a hit and between the incident in the restaurant and my sisters fight with Janet and het numerous Facebook posts about them, People are gossiping. This has worked well for me because some people have backed off which Im happy about unfortunately there are a few people still on his side including my ex's parents.

As for my half siblings there's not much of an update in regards to them.

I've found a therapist however there is a bit of a waiting list before I can start my therapy. I'm still living with my mom who is completely on my side and I have found a kitten and pick her up next week.

Comments

Lost-and-dumbfound

Your ex and his family and your dad and his wife suck ass. Sorry this has all happened to you and I realise as much as Reddit is all aboard the “dump him” train and I do believe it was the best decision, you’re probably still heartbroken and it will take time to heal. Take your time, engage with the block button whenever someone send you an out of pocket message about the situation.

The people who you have removed from your life have no one to blame but themselves

PeakPretty7550

I love the fact the ex claims he can't control his family's relationships, but he's not above trying to control hers..

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in and

New update - Original BORU by u/ SharkEva

Content warning - racism

Update note - Team Yang is Winning!

2 updates - Medium/long

- 1st April 2024

- 23rd April 2024

Original

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My (29M) best friend Jess (29F) keeps on mentioning my ex (29F) in front of my fiancée, and I am thinking of cutting her off. I want to know if I am overreacting, or if Jess is in the wrong.

For context, Jess and I went to the same high school and the same college. We were friends in high school. However, since we both went to the same out-of-state college, we became best friends since then. We have always been there for each other during the best and worst times. However, things have always been platonic, and she is more like a big sister to me, who made sure I stay on the right track.

I have only been in two long-term relationships so far. One was with my ex Lisa for 7 years. We met in college and dated all through our college years. Lisa and Jess also became good friends, too. After college, Lisa and I just grew apart and had different goals in life. I became "boring" after college as I was working on my PhD while doing a full time job. Lisa broke up with me as she wanted to party on weekends, while I was home studying. I was heartbroken, but I don't think I ever blamed her or had resentment towards her, as I understood my decisions were selfish and should not hold her back from having the best life.

Jess always stood by me and comforted me during that time. Jess and Lisa were good friends and Jess always kept on telling me that Lisa loves me and will be back one day when I am ready. I foolishly held on to that hope and stayed friends with Lisa. That was until I met my fiancee Yang. After I finished my PhD, I got a nice job in a big tech company. Yang joined our team a year after me. We started going out for drinks, and dinner and we started dating seriously pretty soon. We are happy together, and financially in a great place. Needless to say, I stopped talking to Lisa after I started dating Yang.

I proposed to Yang a year after we started dating and got engaged last year. Jess has been acting weirdly since we got engaged. One of the first things she said to Yang after we got engaged was how I had planned the same thing for Lisa (proposing on a local hiking trail). It was a bit off-putting that she was bringing up Lisa whom I broke up with almost 5 years ago on such a happy occasion. However, Yang asked me to not spoil my mood, as she felt Jess was just commenting on how I had that plan in mind for years.

Since then, every time we meet, Jess without fail brings up Lisa and how the things I am doing are all the things I had planned with Lisa. This happened when we bought a house, planned for vacations, etc. Jess always starts with some nostalgic story and then brings up how Lisa and I were so happy together. She is still good friends with Lisa and keeps giving me updates about Lisa and how great Lisa is doing at work when no one is asking for it. It felt like she was painting a rosy picture of Lisa to Yang and telling Yang that she would always be second to Lisa.

Yang told me Jess's comments bothered her, and I also felt the same. I have brought this up with Jess many times and asked her not to do it. However, she says she will try but since I dated Lisa for 7 years, she would be part of many stories from the past. Also, she asked me why talking about Lisa bothers me and if I still have feelings for her. I have reduced hanging out with Jess. However, she is close with my mom and is always invited to all our family parties and holidays.

I talked to my mom and sister about this and they feel I am overreacting. They feel Jess is just telling stories and since the stories are mostly from college days and later, Lisa will be a character in the story. They also feel I should not be bothered by Jess mentioning Lisa since we broke up a long time ago. I feel that it's disrespectful to Yang as she doesn't need to hear about all the fun Lisa and I had when we were together and how we were planning to get married. Do you think I am the asshole to stop here or Jess is truly acting out of line?

Comments

l3ex_G

Nta I think you need to cut off Jess, she’s being a mean girl to your fiance. You need to also tell your mom and sister of your decision and if they want Jess at events you might have to limit your time with them as well.

Jess has shown you she’s doing it on purpose if you’ve asked multiple times for her to stop and she immediately attacks your reasoning and feelings.

She wants to pretend it’s you not being over Lisa which is another dig at your fiance, when it’s really just Jess is being rude. Jess and probably Lisa need to let the past go. Lisa probably thought she can go have her fun and when she wants to settle with her back up, you would still be waiting. Jess probably helped with this plan and purposely stopped you from moving on with saying Lisa would come back.

OOP: At this point, I suspect Jess is just being mean to Yang. I would have cut her off long ago if she was not so close to me or my family for so many years.

Lisa is out of the picture, to be honest. I have completely gone no contact with her for the last 2 years.

Fairmount1955

Not wrong, in fact it's thoughtful of your finace's feelings.

" Jess always kept on telling me that Lisa loves me and will be back one day when I am ready." - yikes.

An easy: "Jess, you keep bringing up my ex, and keep making comments which are dismissive of my relationship with Yang. I am telling you point blank that this is harming our friendship and it saddens me that you dismiss my feelings as being unimportant on this topic. If you can't respect me, and my relationship with Yang, please understand why it will likely end our friendship."

OOP: We have had this exact conversation. Jess then proceeded to ask Yang is she offended by her telling stories about me. Yang was polite and said she is ok. Then she told me I am being too sensitive.

I know Yang is not comfortable and I would also not be if the roles were reversed and Yangs friends talked about her ex in front of me like that.

Judgement - NTA

Update - 23 days later

I wrote a post a month ago regarding my friend Jess mentioning my ex constantly in front of my fiancée. Thanks to everyone who commented, and how inappropriate it was. However, the last month has been nothing but crazy and I still trying to make sense of what happened so far.

After my post, I decided to talk to Jess and gave her an ultimatum not to speak about my ex Lisa again. I know Jess and Lisa are still friends, but I was uncomfortable of her comparing my fiancée Yang with Lisa all the time. I broke up with Lisa 5 years ago, and she is nothing but a faint memory in my past. Jess kept on defending herself and telling me that I was with Lisa for most of my adult life and it's hard to tell any stories from the past without including her.

She also blamed me for being emotionally childish and just forgetting about Lisa when she was with me for 7 years. Finally, Jess agreed that she will not bring up Lisa in front of Yang, and I should also not treat Lisa as she does not exist since she is still Jess's friend. I informed Yang about our conversation. Although she was appreciative about it, she said I did not need to do it and she knows how much I love her and every time Jess brings up my Lisa, she feels sorry for Lisa that she let a guy like me go.

Yang went to visit China two weeks ago for a month as we plan to get married in her hometown. She is taking care of her shopping as well as preparations for the wedding. Jess invited me to her house that Friday for dinner as I was home alone. I am also good friends with her husband, and we were all just chatting and drinking in the living room. Around 7.30pm, the doorbell rang, and Jess excitedly went to open the door. To my surprise, it was fucking Lisa at the door.

She was all dressed up as if she were ready for a date and came in. I had not seen her in person for almost 3 years and I was shocked to see her. She sat down and started making small talk with me. I was extremely uncomfortable and went into the kitchen to talk to Jess. I was angry at her and asked her what was going on. She kept on telling me that it's been 5 years since the breakup and to get over it and be nice to Lisa.

She said Lisa was excited to meet me and she thought we were all adults and could have one fun evening together. We had a fight and I told her that she should not have invited Lisa after our conversation the other day and I do not want to be friends with her anymore. I went into the living room and politely excused myself and told everyone that I had a work emergency and had to leave early. Lisa looked sad, but I genuinely felt uncomfortable to be made to hang out with my ex without my consent.

I came home and called Yang. I have never seen her more furious, and she told me she is not comfortable with Jess anymore as she has some agenda that we do not know about. It's different to talk about Lisa, but to invite her without consulting is not ok. I also felt the same and I called Jess the next day and told her that she crossed a line, and I was terribly upset with her. I stopped taking her calls and ghosted her. I also told my mom and sister about the whole incident.

Last Sunday, my mom called me for lunch. When I got there, I saw Jess was already there. I told my mom that I do not want to talk to Jess and can't stay. However, she asked me to sit as they all wanted to talk to me. I have a glutton for punishment and decided to hear them out. My mom started with how Jess has been there for me all these years and only has my best interest at heart. She kept on telling me that they are the three people (mom, sister, and Jess) that love me the most.

Jess started saying how she felt that I was making a big mistake in not having to hear what Lisa had to say. She told me that Lisa was my first love and Lisa is now ready to settle down and we can pick where we left off. She reminded me how broken I was when Lisa left me and how life is giving me a second chance. My sister also chimed in and said how they all liked Lisa more than Yang and how we both looked so great together. Finally, my mom started saying how our culture was so different than Yang and it is hard for them to relate to her.

I asked them in what way, and my mom said that they did not understand what Yang says sometimes and have nothing in common with her. Then my mom asked me to think about how Lisa and I would have such wonderful looking kids, while if I marry Yang, our kids will look so different. I started getting their drift and I probed more. My mom told me how our kids would look Asian with "small eyes" and not like any others in the family.

I asked my mom if she cared about my kids looks more and not about how smart they will be since Yang has a PhD. She blew it off, and I realized she just did not want me to marry Yang because she was Chinese and not white. My mom told me to forgive Jess and my mom asked Jess to talk to Lisa on my behalf and asked her if she would be interested in getting back together with me. My mom was adamant that since I loved Lisa so much, I should be happy and pick up things where we left off as that is the best for everyone. I have never been so angry and may have said a lot of unkind things to all of them before I left

I am so depressed right now. I not only lost my best friend, but also am not sure how I can move on from what my mom said. My mom and sister raised me and that is the reason where I am today. However, I cannot get over how racist they are being and how they were just pretending to like Yang all these years while actively working on breaking us up. I have been so shocked that I have not told any of this to Yang so far. I might wait for her to come back next week and talk to her in person.

Again, thanks everyone for all your messages on the last post as they helped me a lot to think through the situation. My life is more fucked up than I could imagine, and I cannot imagine how dejected Yang will feel after hearing all this.

Comments

cthulularoo

Your mom needs to beg and grovel before you take her back. Jess can just go in the trash. She's ignored multiple warnings and crossed so many boundaries, I don't understand why you even talked to her even if it was your mom telling you to.

Its done with jess, its over. She will always make it awkward with her and Yang and you need to protect Yang.

And you have to realize that your mom and sister are racist AF, right? How are you ever going to trust your "tiny eyed" kids to be alone with their racist AF grandma? (kidding about the eyes, I'm Chinese too.)

Just_A_Commenter

You need to make a decision. And it’s not between Yang and Lisa. It’s not even between Yang and your family. It’s whether or not you can tolerate your family trying to manipulate you to suit their own racist understanding of what YOUR life should be like. Your family are the ones who have made the decision to be hateful, narrow minded, self absorbed, and manipulative. You seem to already be doing this, but now is the time to stand up for your future wife and yourself. You are in the right here. Stay strong.

New Update

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​ I wrote a post two months ago regarding my best friend Jess constantly bringing up my ex when talking to my fiancée Yang. I wrote an update two weeks ago about my mom, sister and Jess scheming about trying to get me back with my ex Lisa because they were uncomfortable with Yang being Chinese. They tried to do it when my fiancée was visiting her parents and I felt so betrayed by their actions.

As I said in the previous post, I blew up on my mom and sister about what they said and immediately left. I did not take calls from them or answer texts for the next several days. Their messages initially were anger towards me on why I left before they could finish what they wanted to say. However, I think they realized on day 3 that they might have crossed the line this time and became extremely apologetic. I finally messaged them to leave me alone and not to contact Yang or I until we contact them. Jess did not message me the whole time.

I did not tell Yang about the situation until she came back home 9 days ago. I initially did not know how to bring up the subject, but she sensed something was wrong and asked me about it. I was so worried about hurting her, but I told her about what happened. I was upfront about the stunt Jess pulled and she was angry at Jess. I also told her about my visit to my mother's place, but she did not react with any anger. She just asked me if I was ok.

The next few days were confusing where I was more upset than Yang. She was just excited showing me all pictures and telling me stories. Finally, on last Thursday evening, she opened up and asked me if I was ok about my mom's behavior and what I plan to do. I told her my thoughts and how I cannot forgive them for what they said about her being Asian and them wanting me to marry a Lisa because she was white. I asked her why she was not more upset as it was bothering me.

She told me that when she told her parents about me, they had the exact same reaction for her dating someone who was not Chinese. Her family is very traditional, and her parents were very upset about her decision. It took them a few months to warm up to me and accept me. She never told me about this because she wanted me to have good relationship with her parents. She told me that now they are the most excited doing arrangements for our wedding.

She told me that she has always felt something was off when she talked to my mom, my sister or Jess and they did not like her. My mom and sister would be very friendly with her in front of me, but never invited her for anything when I am not around. She suspected that it may be due to fact that she is not white and does not understand the American traditions. She said she is not upset with them and now that this is in the open, she should talk to them and assure them that she would be as good of a wife as Lisa or any other girl. She said that she does not want to break a family in order to start a new one.

Despite my protests, Yang invited my mom and sister for lunch on Sunday. She said that it would be good for us to talk about everything and hear why they are concerned about her marrying me. I was really not happy with this, but Yang spent most of Sunday morning cooking for them.

When my mom and sister arrived, there were a lot of waterworks and apologies. My mom apologized to Yang and me for her behavior and told us that she would never bring it up again. My sister also was quiet and had tears in her eyes. There were a lot of blame games. My mom and my sister were blaming Jess for constantly telling them how Yang might not be great for me and how she won't fit into our family. My mom and sister fought with Jess after I left and Jess blamed Lisa. Based on Jess's story, Lisa has been depressed for the last few years and when I suddenly got engaged to Yang, it became worse. Jess thought I was also depressed after Lisa left me, because I did not date anyone for 3 years. In reality, I just wanted to focus on my work and studies and never had time. So, Lisa convinced Jess that she has to get back together with me as that is what I wanted too. Jess said how sorry she felt for Lisa as she was her longtime friend and listened to her plan as she thought it was good for everyone.

My mom and sister told us that I should stay away from Jess because she orchestrated the whole situation. They kept on hugging Yang and apologizing to her. Yang in turn also started crying and telling them that she will do better to fit in with them. It was all a big mess. I am still skeptical of my mom's change in heart, but I also want to see Yang happy. However, I think it will take a lot of time and healing before I could truly trust my mom and sister.

Currently, my mom invited us to lunch at her place next week and told me that Jess will not be there. Jess has still not message me or Yang. I really don't know what I can do in this situation. I am still upset and furious at my mom, but I also want to respect Yang's effort to keep the family together. Thanks to everyone for all the messages and supportive comments. It really helped reading them when I was feeling very sad.

Comments

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CulturedGentleman921

Yang is DEFINITELY A KEEPER!!

When your mom and sis see how adorable your kids are, they'll forget all about Lisa completely.

Syiah92

Bro, yang sounds amazing. She is a keeper for sure, all the best with your future, and I hope everything is water under a bridge

Leather-Lab8120

Team Yang is Winning.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in .

This is a long post. Thanks to both and for the recommendation!

A reminder this sub has a 7 day waiting period, ergo the latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warnings: sexual harassment; prescription medication addiction; accusations of infidelity

Mood Spoiler: the pot is stirred- dramatic

Mood Spoiler 2: I labeled this as "lol wtf" in my spreadsheet

Original : April 29, 2024

For context, I (31F) have been with my husband Jay (34M) for 10 years. We met through mutual friends, began dating shortly after, and became engaged after being together for about 2 years. We aren't legally married yet, as we both agreed we wanted an all-out wedding and to travel for our honeymoon, but that ish is expensive, and we wanted to prioritize spending our money on things like our house, our vehicles, medical, and so on. We bought each other matching rings that we wear as if we are married, refer to each other as husband and wife, and present as married socially, we just haven't actually had a wedding. Our families understand this, and since we are both children of divorce, our parents were fine with us not wanting to get married, since their opinion of marriage was somewhat skewed to put it politely. Most of our friends also don't comment on our lack of being officially married, as they either don't care, agree with our logic that there are more important things to spend money on, or are the sort of people who think the point of a legal marriage isn't as necessary as it has been in the past.

Then there's Tricia (28F). I met Tricia through an old job and we got along really well. We enjoyed the same music, food, and had similar opinions on things like movies, books, and clothes. Tricia is a lovely person, and I do genuinely enjoy her friendship, but she occasionally goes through these odd phases where she analyzes the behavior of the men in our social circle. She will present her "theories" to us ladies based on things like social media posts, "odd behaviors" she says she noticed during group barbecues or beach trips, things like that. While I have no problem calling out potential shitty behavior in a friend, the things she deems "suspicious" don't really hold water in my opinion. For example, she's never quite let go of considering a male friend gay, and her "evidence" is that he's a bit of a perpetual bachelor. According to him, his bachelor status is because he's holding out for a girl who doesn't mind his transient lifestyle as a man who has to travel a lot for work and would want to join him rather than wait around at home, but according to Tricia, he must be having gay dalliances across the country and refuses to tell us, even though many in our friend group are gay, out of the closet, and even bring their partners to social events.

Then there's my sweet Jay. Jay has never been a very physically affectionate person, and he is likely autistic, but isn't interested in having a formal diagnosis. He took the RAADS-R (a test to screen for autism in undiagnosed adults) about 4 years ago when he was seeking treatment for chronic migraines, and the results suggested strongly that he may be autistic. Once he got those results back, he sort of got over the idea of "wanting answers" for some of his mental health questions, preferring to just go to therapy and work on finding a good treatment for his migraines. According to him, the RAADS-R was "good enough to solve the mystery" and provided some closure for him. I didn't press the issue, as the idea of getting on his case about a diagnosis he didn't feel he needed seemed unnecessarily harsh to me.

On top of that, Jay loves fishing. When you put these two facts together, hopefully a picture gets painted for you, but I'll clarify anyway. He knows all about the different types of aquatic environments in our area that you can legally fish, when all the different spawning seasons are, what every species eats, how they hunt, and he can even tell what sort of fish is on his hook based on how it feels when he's pulling them in. He can look at a body of water and instantly tell you if fishing will be good that day, and he has never been wrong; it's like living with a fish-based psychic! Since I am an avid lover of seafood, his fishing and pursuit of fish-centric knowledge has only been a boon to me. I can express interest in wanting a fish dinner on Monday morning, and that night, he will bring home and cook up enough fish for us to eat like royalty. He's even excited to catch fish to make into fertilizer for my new rose bushes, since he feels confident he will be able to pull up the perfect "food" for my new roses.

The "suspicious" activity, according to Tricia, is that he often goes on spur-of-the-moment fishing trips by himself, and can sometimes be gone for hours. He will randomly stand up, say something like "Alright. Fishin' time." and give me a kiss before he hits the road. While I would ordinarily agree that something like that could be suspicious, I know factually that Jay isn't cheating, as he always sends me countless pictures and videos while he's on these trips, as well as calling me on the phone when he's particularly excited about a good catch, how he's trying to get uniquely sneaky fish, a cool bird he saw, things like that. Even if he's gone for 10 hours, my phone will be blowing up for all 10 of those hours with pictures of his sunshine smile next to a fish, or videos of him cheering as he shows me what he's got on the stringer (a long, thin rope used to keep fish alive, but attached to your boat, in the water). I adore these pictures, videos, and phone calls, since they make my heart so full with how much joy he feels and how at peace he is on the water. I would join him more often, but I usually stay home since it wouldn't be fair to our dogs if both of us left for undefined amounts of time on a whim. Instead, I find my peace in watching through his eyes, and when he comes home, I'm always happy to get the play-by-play of how the trip went while Jay prepares the fish for us to eat. We even have a game now where he quizzes me on what types of fish he caught, and if I win, I get a big hug!

None of this is good enough for Tricia. For years now, she has had her suspicions about Jay, but I've always brushed them off as I'm secure in my relationship and trust Jay implicitly. When Tricia first brought her "theory" to me, I brought it up to Jay, who was genuinely hurt and asked if I shared in her suspicions and wanted him to go fishing less. I told him no, but that I felt he deserved to know what Tricia was telling people about him. He understood and was willing to let sleeping dogs lie. Over the years, as Jay and I kept on keepin' on, unmarried and in fishy bliss, Tricia became more and more adamant that not only was Jay cheating, but that the reason we weren't married is that he convinced me to wait for an expensive wedding and he would rather continue on cheating during fake fishing trips. Her "proof" was his random trips, the fact that he doesn't physically touch me "a lot" when we are in public, and how "he never let's me go with him". Countless times, I have shown her the giant folder of fishing pictures and videos in my phone, call logs showing how often we're in communication, and told her that I didn't need to have him grabbing on me or dangling off of me in public to feel secure with him. I've brought up our responsibilities as dog owners to not leave them alone for hours on a whim without the ability to relieve themselves outside. I've even told her multiple times over the years that she's more than welcome to ask Jay if she could tag along on a trip and see for herself how committed he is to fishing, but she always refuses. Again, since Jay has been fine with ignoring the drama, I let it slide, up until about a week ago.

Jay was talking about going on a day-long fishing trip with two of our friends, Vince and Maria (who are married) as they had expressed interest in going and saw the trip as a sort of blend between a staycation and a chartered boat trip. Tricia spoke privately with me, saying that I must be happy that Maria is going, since she will be able to ensure that not only Jay can't cheat on me, but that Vince can't cover for him if he tries to. I'd finally had enough, as now she was dragging poor Vince into this and slandering his character, when all Vince had done is agree to a day trip with an old friend. I told Tricia that she needs to either bring her suspicions directly to Jay and hash it out with him, or let it go, because as far as I'm concerned, she's projecting her issues onto Jay since Tricia can't keep a guy longer than three months. While that assessment isn't entirely true, I wanted to hurt her feelings and cut her down to size, since that's my sweet Jay she's dragging through the mud. Tricia not only took it personally, but said that I was just naive and was afraid to be single. I told Tricia that she was projecting again, since she's a serial dater who scares men off with her wannabe Sherlock Holmes nonsense, and she just can't fathom a man with a real hobby because she only goes after half-baked fake gymbros more interested in their own tits than hers and wannabe finance bros who blow their entire paychecks on crypto.

She stopped talking to me after that, and hasn't reached out to me since. Granted, I haven't reached out to her either, but I'm mad at her, because she was rude. Our friend group doesn't really give this entire situation much weight, saying stuff like "that's just how she is" or "what did you expect" or "we know Jay isn't cheating, but he's an exception to the rule, and maybe Tricia just doesn't see that". While I was willing to stand my ground at first and not budge on the issue, now I'm wondering if maybe I was too harsh and should apologize for being petty just because I wanted to knock her down a peg and get her to give up on her "theories".

TL;DR My female friend is convinced my husband is cheating on me because he fuckin loooooves fishing and goes on day trips frequently, and after years of hearing her doubts and showing proof that he's faithful, I snapped at her, insulted her taste in men, and spoke negatively about her dating history.

AITAH and should I apologize, or do I keep all 10 toes in the ground and let her twist?

Relevant Comments:

Top Commenter: First of all, Jay sounds wonderful. Congrats on snagging him, I smiled reading when you were talking about him, very wholesome. Tricia sucks man. Tricia isn't helping anyone, she's actively hurting people's marriages, relationships and friendships, I'd bail on her asap, idk what you see in a person who has put THAT much time into belittling your wonderful husband. I was also a little irked by people in your group chat saying Jay is the exception... how? You said Tricia is always doing this and she's wrong as fuck. Why are you friends with Tricia is fabricating rumors about your friends being gay and your husband cheating on you... like to the point that you told Jay "this is what she's saying about you to people"...like you know she didn't just say it to you, but everyone, and you're still letting this bitch hang around? Gross.

OOP: Hearing it framed this way is a shock I think I needed. I wanted to get defensive at first, but you have a really solid point. Someone else here asked if maybe Tricia is interested in Jay, and I'm going to dig into that, but now I want to dig into this as well. Thank you for your input, it's put a lot into perspective.

Commenter: Also just food for thought. Are you sure she's not spreading rumours about you behind your back? Anyone willing to talk to you behind someone elses back, is willing to talk about you behind your back

OOP: I'm sure she is at this point. Reading the comments here have changed how I view the entire friend group. I'll be speaking with some mutual friends about what they've heard; it's receipt time.

Commenter: My ex posts pictures of her out on the ice all weekend fishing. I love watching her videos and pictures of giant fish she caught in the middle of the night. I still love my ex, but there is no way I am spending a weekend in a tent on a frozen lake.

If he catches a mermaid, then you might be in trouble.

OOP: I'm going to be honest; if he caught a mermaid, he'd either try to get on NatGeo or some kind of fishing show to contribute to icthyology/marine biology, or try to tag it somehow to study it lol he's a true believer in the betterment of aquatic environments and getting the world excited about fishing

Commenter: Nta. It’s my opinion she is stirring stuff up not because she’s projecting, but because she is sad and lonely and can’t abide the sight of others’ happiness. She wants a friend in misery and needs other people to validate her loneliness.

OOP: Thank you for your words; I'm starting to think she either wants someone else to commiserate with in a way we don't do now or something else more sinister.

Commenter: She sounds like a troublemaker who likes to stir the pot. Not sure why you are still friends with her - she clearly likes causing drama.

OOP: Thank you for your input. Seeing many people say similar things is waking me up to some uncomfortable truths.

(Downvoted) Commenter: ESH, you should apologies for the below the belt comment. i’m not saying that you are wrong but…. you didn’t need to go that far. you can be in the right and still be an asshole.

OOP: Yeah, I'm willing to admit I went too far, and there's no excuse for that. Thanks for being honest with me.

There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but a majority of votes were for NTA

Update 1: April 30, 2024 (Next Day)

I wanted to give a small update now before I bring the axe down tonight. This will be shorter, as Jay and I will be going fishing together this afternoon after lunch.

I showed Jay the original thread and we had a heart to heart that lasted until the wee hours of the morning. Firstly, he wanted me to express his appreciation for you all, as well as shoutout his fellow fishing enthusiasts. He encourages you all to get out there and try your best, regardless of your success, and to instead share with him the joy it brings, even if we can't all go fishing together.

After going through all of your beautiful words and generous support, we shared our thoughts on the matter not only as a couple, but as two people with different levels of attachment to the individuals in our friend group. We both agree that we had been holding onto these friendships more out of a sense of nostalgia and a desire to be kind, rather than actually examining what these friends brought to the table and whether or not they enriched our lives. We had been distracted by a desire for community and old bonds, sacrificing our comfort and respect for not only ourselves, but our choice to be together and have a dynamic that some may not view as normal or valid in some capacities. While Jay and I have different views on what certain friends mean to us, we agree that enough is enough, and it's time to not only establish boundaries, but to not give an inch to those who have caused us to come to this, Tricia especially.

That said, Jay is a good man. A strong, whip-smart, generous man, and reading the feedback you all provided made me realize something: I am fucking angry.

I allowed a venomous waste of air around my sweet Jay. My Jay. She slandered him, belittled me, devalued what we have, and I allowed it, like some sort of coward. It's going to end now, and I'm ending it my way. I will not be allowing Tricia to slink away from this or have room to twist words to make me look like anything other that a woman with righteous fury regarding the man she vowed to honor and protect.

I'm sorry to report I will not be taking the high road, nor will I be handling this with tact and decorum. I'm blowing this bitches social life sky fucking high, along with anybody who sides with her. Scorched earth, no prisoners, blood for the blood god.

Update 2: May 1, 2024

I'm going to keep this as brief as possible while still covering it, as there is a lot to cover involving about 15 people, and it's still all hitting the fan. Added the NSFW flair as some adult topics will be mentioned below, including potential SA and drug abuse.

During the fishing trip yesterday, I blocked Tricia on everything and reached out to people to say that Jay and I would be distancing ourselves from Tricia, why we were, and shared what "theory" Tricia had about them if there was one, along with any screenshots or evidence I had of Tricia talking about them. I also asked a few friends who might know if Tricia might be interested in Jay, as some people pointed out that that might have been a motivation for her to get between us.

Here's what's been dug up so far:

• Matt (the friend Tricia alleged was gay) confirmed, again, that he isn't gay. He shared a story about how he, his roommate, and Tricia had a get together at one point where they drank and smoked some weed. During the night, Tricia got handsy and tried getting together with Matt's roommate, who declined. When they sobered up the following morning, Tricia said that it should be fine because "men like that sort of thing". After that, Matt and his roommate weren't comfortable with her and effectively barred her from going to their place. Matt suspects this is the origin of the gay rumor, and he's chosen to step away from the social group to reevaluate some things. I didn't want to press him, so I left it there.

• Vince and Maria have gone dark. Maria believed that Tricia was the victim in all of this, and Vince was vague in his responses and seemed to be taking a more hands off approach, but they stopped responding when another friend sent a screenshot of Tricia alluding to them being swingers because they have a decorative pineapple on their kitchen counter. Neither of them have anyone blocked, but no one can get a response out of them, either.

• One friend got into an argument with his girlfriend after said girlfriend went through his phone because of the drama and found either texts or pics (I don't know which) that, according to her, prove that he's been sleeping with Tricia on and off. I heard this from his brother, who reached out after the girlfriend left a voicemail saying she's kicking the friend out, and the brother wanted to know what was going on. I'm not sure exactly what's happening there, as that friend has also gone dark, and none of us know the girlfriend very well/have her phone number.

• One friend came clean about her struggles with prescription pain meds after her mother lost her battle with cancer because Tricia had been trying to blackmail her into getting dirt on Matt, Jay, and Vince and was using the drug abuse as leverage. Admittedly, a lot of my attention got diverted after this came to light because that's a much bigger problem than my beef with Tricia. We are still working on creating a good way for people to be a support system for her moving forward, and that will be what we as a group will focus on from here on out.

• An old friend of Jay's dropped a nuke by revealing that Tricia tried blowing him in the bathroom during a "Friendsgiving Dinner" we had last year, only to turn around and try to blow a different guy in the bathroom after Chris turned her down.

Jay, some other friends, and I created a new Discord server for all of the friends coming out of this drama against Tricia, and so far, it's just been a lot of comparing dates, texts, and Discord DMs, but it looks like Tricia has been trying to either sleep with or break up every guy in the friend group, as well as either get rid of or get leverage on every girl friend in the group.

Either way, we have bigger fish to fry now. It's time to put this all behind us and help our friend who really needs it. Thank you all for your kind words and helpful advice, even the harsh stuff <3

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Long

- 25th April 2024

- 5th May 2024

My (24f) boyfriend (26m) of 7 years completely ghosted me out of the blue!

It feels completely unreal.

I'm 24, I have been with this guy since I was 17. A quarter of my life and basically my whole adult life! He is the first and only person I slept with.

Nothing happened! We didn't have an argument, we had a great relationship. (at least in my opinion) One day we were cuddling on the couch and the next I can't get a hold of him. He blocked me on everything.

I was so worried at first! My first thoughts were that he was hurt or dead or in a terrible accident.

I only learned from a mutual friend that he basically moved halfway across the country, he is still alive at least. He just doesn't want to talk to me.

It's been 3 weeks now! What do I even do? Do I travel after him? I don't even know where to. Do I give him time?

I hope I'm not appearing like an overly obsessive girlfriend but what the heck? :(

7 years!

I need closure, even if it would be:

• "You are ugly, I never loved you."

• "I have found somebody else."

Anything. Am I expecting too much? I can't just discard 7 years like a used yogurt cup.

Maybe I did something wrong but I don't know what it could be without him telling me. I didn't cheat on him. I have always tried to be kind and caring. :(

I wasn't a financial burden either, I paid for my own things and paid half of everything.

I'm trying to think of all the things I could have done wrong. I had a terrible childhood. I was abused and still have some scars from cutting myself. Maybe he thought I was ugly from the scars or too depressed and sad at times but he still could have told me. I would have understood.

He and our mutual friend both blocked me now and I'm not getting any answers.

I'm just sad and confused and don't know what to do. :(

3 weeks might not seem that long, maybe he'll change his mind.

I just don't know what to do or how to handle this. :(

Comments

_WitchoftheWaste

Honestly all I can say is "what the fuck?!". My heart hurts for you, but the mutual friend blocking you as well has thrown up some "something had to have happened, or thats what hes saying to people" vibes. But really, no amount of cyber stalking him or friends is going to fix this. No amount of begging or all of the things you want to do. If he wanted to give you closure he would have.

And he sucks beyond words for not giving you that if all was well The more you chase answers the crazier you will feel and look- even though you absolutely fucking deserve those answers. Id get a therapist immediately and work on rebuilding your life without him. This will do some damage for sure, so im serious about therapy. Im sorry OP. I wish i could answer what happened for you.

OOP: Thank you so much for your kind words.

At this point it feels like no amount of therapy will make me feel ok. It's probably the best advice but I'm currently in a "starring at the wall" and just asking myself why phase.

I still have my cat to keep me company. She and her butthole in my face are some emotional support at least!

I love her, she's the best.

It has only been 3 weeks. Maybe things will somehow be ok and he'll come back or decides to talk to me. Something must have happened. I just wish I could help him. Whatever it is. Gambling debt. Even if he had an affair. I just wish I could talk to him.

Update - 10 days later

Short summary: My boyfriend of nearly 7 years left me, moved hundreds of miles away and refused to talk to me. Even his parents told me that he doesn't want to talk to me and that they can't force him to. A mutual friend (more his friend) told me the same and then blocked me as well.

I was left confused, alone and sad.

Now, over 4 weeks later, he contacted me again and we agreed to talk face to face at our?/my place.

I'll have to disappoint everyone from the start: No movie worthy Yakuza/Mafia story.

What he told me happened was that he simply panicked and ran away. Apparently I was asking too many questions about the future: if he ever wanted to get married, what he thought about children etc. I also pushed him a lot to finally finish his degree and get a job. (his main source of income are still his parents) He said he just couldn't handle it and saw his life as being over and needed to get away from it all.

Then he started blaming his friend who convinced him that "he was wasting his twenties on just one girl". That same friend apparently also got him a job which is why he moved away hundreds of miles.

That job didn't work out and he got fired after a few weeks. I guess that's why he is back now.

I asked him why he didn't at least talk to me and how hurt and worried I was. He said that he "didn't want to make me cry" and that "he didn't really want to break up". He wanted to prove that he could succeed at that job and then come back to me.

Overall a lot was said, we talked for over two hours but that's the gist of it. He must have apologized like a hundred times, telling me how stupid he was to let his friend influence him.

One kindergarten like logic stuck with me. He said: "We never broke up. I never said that I wanted to break up. We just took a break!"

In my mind that sounded like: "Ha, you didn't say UNO, we're still together!" ..........

He basically promised me heaven on earth if we got back together. Breakfast in bed every morning, he'd do all the chores, what have you. He also swore that there was nobody else, that he slept with nobody else.

In the end he asked if he could stay because he hasn't been paid from that job and used all his money and has nowhere else to go. His parents live too far away and he is on bad terms with that friend who got him the job.

I felt a bit bad but I told him no. That I needed to process and think about everything.

I did however agree to store some of his boxes to free up his car.

So, that's where I'm at now. Sitting alone in my apartment with his boxes. One of them smells really bad, like moldy clothes. Maybe I'll wash those tomorrow for him at least.

Now I need to think about what to do with all of this, what to do with myself. Part of me still loves him. We had so many great moments together before that, he helped me through a lot. He helped me get away from my abusive mother and stepfather. He is the man I wanted to marry, maybe have children with. :(

This is only my side of the story, too. I don't know everything he has to go through mentally. I can understand panicking. I don't know.

I want to thank everyone who took their time to read all of this. It felt good to write it all down. I went no contact with my mother and stepfather and don't have a lot of friends because I'm a bit shy and not that outgoing. I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this. Sorry if it's too long.

Thank you.

Comments

SpecialistAfter511

If the job worked out he wouldn’t have come back.

OOP: That's what I was thinking, too. I also think that there was somebody else but I don't know.

Princess-Pancake-97

If you take him back, what are you going to do if/when he runs away again when things get too real for him? How can you trust him to not leave you at the alter or leave you alone in the hospital with a newborn? What happens if you get sick or injured? Where will he be when things get hard with your potential future children? When things get rocky in your relationship? When there are big life decisions to make together? How can you possibly trust him to not ghost you again? How can you feel secure enough to talk about these things if this is how he reacts?

OOP: I read nearly all the replies here. Thank you so much for your input. I probably needed to hear a lot of the things that were said.

I thought about everything and won't be getting back together with him. The most important argument for me was "What if it happens again? 10 years from now, after we're married or had children?" I wouldn't be able to handle it. And I still don't trust him with everything he said happened (or didn't happen) while he was away.

I will figure something out with the boxes and everything else that needs to be handled and I'll try to set clear boundaries when talking to him in the future.

He isn't all horrible despite how he acted. He saved me from my stepfather and was there for me in the years after. I owe a lot to him but I think that also made me accept things and behaviors I shouldn't have. (even before he left)

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITA for telling my MIL that she’s not going to be in the room when I give birth?

Trigger Warnings: harassment, possible verbal abuse, emotional abuse, transphobia, deadnaming

: April 18, 2024

Before I begin I need to clarify that I’m a trans man, I was afab but transitioned about five years ago.

I (30m) am 38 weeks pregnant with mine and my husband James’ (33m) first child. We had talked about children before I transitioned, and we both said we wanted them. After I transitioned, he asked me if I would be okay with carrying our child, and if I’m not, we could look into other options. I told him I still wanted to carry our child as I always wanted to experience it. I haven’t started T or gotten surgery because I wanted to wait until I had kids. I didn’t mind waiting either. I feel somewhat okay in my body, and whenever I do feel dysphoric, my husband is always there to help me.

When I transitioned, James was and is still very supportive. However, his family did not take it well. They continue to call me by my dead name, along with the wrong pronouns. Whenever James or I correct them, they bring up the fact that I don’t have the right parts, and I don’t look or sound like a man either. It upset me at the start as I had been very close with his family, but now I’ve gotten used to it and do my best to ignore it. James however, can’t get past it, and when someone says something, he ends up arguing with them.

When we told his family that I was pregnant, they were all excited, as this was the first baby born into the family. My MIL especially was very excited and began telling me about different things I needed to do to keep the baby healthy.

As the months passed, I kept hearing comments about me being a mom, even though I made it clear that I want the baby to call me Papa or Dad. I’ve been told that I can’t have a ‘silly’ surgery to remove my breasts because I need them to feed my baby. Also, they’re glad I came to my senses about pretending to be a man.

We found out we were having a little boy, and almost instantly, we picked a name for him. We both love anything to do with space, and we wanted our firstborn to have a space-related name, so we decided that our little boy would be called Leo, after the constellation. My MIL wasn’t happy with that name and started calling him Isaac. James and I corrected her numerous times, telling her that it wasn’t our son's name, but she wouldn’t listen. She got a blanket, a few onesies and a teddy bear with the name Isaac engraved on them. She told us that when we see him, we’ll see that she was right, and we’ll name him Isaac.

We decided to do a hospital birth, and my MIL demanded that she be in the room so she could see her first grandchild being born. Neither James or I want her there, we want it to be a special moment with just the two of us. She wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Last week, we were at their house for dinner, and she began bragging to the rest of the family that she would be there when I had the baby. James snapped and told her she wasn’t going to be there, especially with how she treated me over the past few years with my transition. She got upset and yelled at him about this being an important moment for her, but James wasn’t having it, and they both got into a pretty heated argument.

I had enough and told her to fuck off and take no for an answer, or she wasn’t going to ever see her grandson. She started crying, and I received multiple glares from the rest of the family. James and I left, and neither of us spoke during the ride home, but when he got home, he said he was sorry for how he acted and didn’t mean to upset me. I told him it wasn’t his fault and he had every right to say something. We spent the night cuddled in bed, watching TV and feeling our son kick.

In the last few days, I’ve received numerous messages from people telling me that I shouldn’t have threatened my MIL, that I had no right to do that, and that I should apologize. I’ve even gotten messages from some of our friends who heard the story from James’ sisters.

I replied, saying that she needed to apologize for overstepping and not listening to a word James or I had said. The responses to that weren’t kind, and I haven’t replied. I keep being bombarded with messages, and now James is as well.

Did we go too far? Should we apologize for how we handled the situation? James says no, but I don’t know what to do.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant/Top Comments

Beneficial_Breath232: NTA I won't touch the transition "issue" because even without it, it you were a woman, it would be the same.

She is insisting that the name you have chosen won't be the name of your child, she is refusing to aknowledge your body autonomy for wanting to have a restreint commity when you are giving birth. She is an AH and a justNoMIL.

vance_mason: Until the baby exits your body, this is all about you OP. Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable states that you can be in, so you need to be surrounded by people who support you. Not someone with main character syndrome.

AppeltjeEitje1079: NTA, I can't believe the entitlement of your MIL! She is way out of line: she does not get to decide your child's name, nor does she has the right to be in the room when he gets born! You have an awesome husband! You did nothing wrong, she simply wouldn't listen to your reasonable voice! Good luck and fwiw I think Leo is a beautiful name!

Apr 30, 2024

I want to start off by saying thank you for the support, it really meant a lot <3

Okay, so James went over to his parents a couple days after my post to pick up some things. I don’t know what they talked about, but when he came home, he was pissed and told me that we were never going to see them again. I didn’t argue with him, but later that night, I asked him what happened, and all he said was, “I can’t believe those people are related to me” I didn’t ask anything else and just hugged him tightly.

A few days later, I went into labour. James and I didn’t tell anyone, and we spent the next thirty-four hours together, and when our beautiful baby boy made his appearance, it was just us, just like we wanted, and it was amazing.

I was able to go home two days after I gave birth, and when we arrived home, we found James’ family in our living room. We never gave any of them a key to our house. The only people to have keys are me and James. James was furious and started telling them to leave, but they refused to go.

They tried to see Leo, but James pulled the cover on the baby carrier down, which blocked their view of him. They started yelling, demanding that we show them Leo. James’ mom called Leo Isaac again and said it was her right to see him as his grandmother.

James handed the carrier to me and told me to go to the bedroom with Leo. I didn’t hesitate and left the room. I heard shouting coming from both James and his family. James threatened them by saying he’d call the cops if they didn’t go, and that got them to shut up. About fifteen minutes later, I heard the front door open and close, and James came upstairs.

When he stepped into the bedroom he just broke down. He collapsed onto the ground and sobbed. My heart broke, and I hurried over to him and held him in my arms. He kept apologizing to me over and over, and when I said it was okay, and we’d figure something out, he just kept saying no and apologizing again.

When he calmed himself down, he told me he just wanted his family to be happy for him, to love him, and to respect him. He kept thinking of what he did wrong to make them feel this way, and the longer he did that, he began to get upset again. I stopped him and firmly told him that he didn’t need them. That his family was right here. That me and Leo aren’t going anywhere and will always love him. We spent the rest of the day in bed talking about what to do, with Leo between us.

Since that day, we’ve been in contact with the police, and they’ve been so helpful and kind about our situation. It’s been hard on James, but he knows it’s best for us not to contact them anymore. We hope this will be done soon, and we can put it behind us and focus on the future.

But for now, we’re enjoying being a family of three and doting on our little boy every chance we get <3

Relevant/Top Comments

Beneficial_Breath232: Good for you OP !! Don't forget to change the locks of your home, and lose the contact info of your husband's familly

OOP: Thank you! Already done! Got them changed the day after we got home

Trick_Parsley_3077: Congrats on your Baby Boy, may you, husband and Leo be happy and healthy in your lives together! So sorry for your husband’s ordeal with his Toxic Family! How did they gain entrance into your home and how did they know you were coming home from hospital that day? NTA

OOP: Thank you! We don’t know how they knew or how they got in. Everything was so chaotic that we didn’t even think of it at the time. Definitely something to figure out though

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Trigger Warning: neglect; theft

Mood Spoiler: sad, slightly hopeful?

Original : April 27, 2024

I, 17F, am graduating high school next month and am set to attend my first-choice college with a partial scholarship in the fall. It's an instate school about an hour away, and because of my dual enrollment credits, I should only be 5 semesters from finishing my bachelor's degree and then going for the master's degree I need for the career I want.

Five years ago my Mamaw, (mom's mom) died, leaving behind a college fund for me and my siblings, Kyle (M25) and Kelsey (F22). Mom's Aunt Teresa was supposed to oversee it, but she died in 2020, and somehow my parents wound up in charge. I don't know all the details because I was 12 when Mamaw died and 14 when Aunt Teresa died. I'm not even sure exactly how it was structured or how much there was, except that it was supposed to be enough to cover a significant amount of our expenses if not everything.

Kelsey is a fine arts major and her first year of college was derailed by lockdowns, and she wound up losing an entire year. She was supposed to go back for her final year next fall just as I am starting college, but last night at our Grandpa's birthday dinner (Dad's dad) she announced that she had been invited to participate in a Junior Artist in Residence study program and was deferring her last year of college. Everyone congratulated her and my grandparents asked about what sort of stipend she was getting. She said there wasn't one, but Mamaw's money would cover her living expenses.

My uncle said that between me starting college and them covering that, the fund would be empty soon, and would her share be enough to pay for her final year after? That's when my dad said that since I had scholarships and my sister needed it more, I wouldn't be getting any of the money Mamaw left for us. Everyone was shocked and started asking questions, but my parents insisted that it was important to support my sister's artistic goals "the way we never were", and that I'd be fine.

When my grandparents argued with them, Mom said I could take out loans for what my scholarship didn't cover and live at home to save money. I was in tears and my sister was upset that people weren't happier for her. When my uncle asked if there was even going to be money left for my sister to go back and graduate, my parents said they would take out a loan against the house to cover it.

Everyone got in a huge argument and my parents and sister left. My grandparents, uncle, and aunt got to talking and my uncle, who is a lawyer, says he's going to look into it and that we may have to sue them for my share of the college money because he believes they mismanaged it. My grandparents are worried about them mortgaging the house and losing it, and suggested we take out a lien against the house for my tuition money so they can't use it to get a loan to pay for my sister's expenses.

WIBTA if I sued my parents for my college tuition and put a lien against their house like my grandparents suggested?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: This sounds like they horribly mismanaged the money. A fund that was supposed to cover even 50% of 3 college tuitions should have had a HEALTHY 6 figure amount. Not to mention the find was supposed to be used for TUITION, not other programs.

During the discovery your uncle may find out some disturbing truths, but secrets especially money secrets always are the worst. Whether you do or don't your relationship with your parents and sister is likely irreparably damaged.

OOP: Yeah, my parents are bad with money, the only reason that we have our house is that Mamaw left it to my parents, same thing for having a decent car. My grandparents were always paying for groceries or other bills which is why Grandma and Grandpa are so worried about them taking out a loan against the house. My mom is a wedding photographer for pay but also considers herself a potter, and my dad is a musician who also does carpentry on the side, like set design for the community theater. They are both artsy types so it's not surprising they chose Kelsey, the artsy kid, over me. Add in that I was definitely an accident and am not artsy and it's just like, why did I expect anything different?

OOP is voted NTA

Update (Same Post): April 28, 2024 (Next Day)

Thank you all for the advice. I know you can't just "put a lien" against the house, but my uncle and grandparents are talking about suing for the money and since my parents won't have it, putting a lien against the house. They want to move quick before my parents can "do any other stupid crap" as my Grandpa put it. We all know if my parents spent the money, there is no way they will be able to pay it back, neither will my sister, and Grandma basically told me, "but at least they won't be able to lose the house". My parents inheriting the house from Mamaw was the only way they could afford a home, they have never been good with money, so growing up my grandparents covered a lot of their bills so we could have groceries and that is probably why Mamaw left Aunt Teresa in charge of it. They are worried what will happen to my parents if they do take out a loan on the house because none of us believe they would be able to pay it back.

My uncle is going to talk to his law partner about taking the case, but most importantly, I was able to call Kyle and since he was an adult when Mamaw died he actually has a copy of the will somewhere that he says he'll find and send to us, but he knew how much was in the account and where it came from. According to Kyle there was a 300,000 life insurance policy from when PopPop, my maternal grandfather, died, and Mamaw saved it for us to use for college. He's not sure how it was structured exactly, except he is pissed because his college didn't cost very much and what wasn't used was supposed to be distributed when we all graduated or turned 25, whichever happened first. So they stole not only from me but from him too. I knew my sisters school was expensive, it's a private college, but I guess I assumed she was using loans or a scholarship or something? I never really thought about how they were affording her college, I just focused on doing well and getting as many dual enrollment credits as my school would allow so I wouldn't have to spend as much time or money when I graduated and went to college. When he told me I was in tears because 100K would more than cover my bachelors degree and probably my masters degree too. What I want to do (meteorology) really requires a masters or even a doctorate if you want to do any of the really interesting stuff.

My parents were mad at me when I went home last night like I had caused the fight, so I just went to bed then went to work this morning, and am just sort of drained or like I got hit by a truck. My best friend says I didn't do anything wrong and just sort of got sucked into everyone else's drama and scheming, which seems pretty accurate. Even more stupid is that my grandparents told me that because they knew I had a "decent amount" from Mamaw, they only saved for my aunts kids college funds, so they feel bad too, and Grandpa's birthday dinner got ruined. I got him some cheesecake from my work and I'm going to take it over to him when they get back from church tonight.

Either way I got into my first choice college and am going to go, even if I have to sell blood or take out loans, so I've got that going for me, which is nice. I'm trying really hard not to let this affect me too much because I still have final exams coming up and even though my grades are good I don't want to let this screw up anything else since some of my scholarships are dependent on my grades. My brother suggested in the meanwhile that I can file paperwork for my fafsa to not have my parents income counted, just my own, so I might be able to qualify for more aid, so I'm going to talk to my guidance counselor tomorrow about that.

Relevant Comments:

OOP expands on her point when responding to a YTA comment:

You're right I had a good life, but it wasn't because of my parents. They have always been clear that I was an accident, a whoopsie, and when I wasn't musical like my dad and brother, or artistic like my mom and sister, they basically had no use for me, so Mamaw, PopPop, Grandma, and Grandpa took care of me most of the time. My grandparents are also the reason that we had food and electricity and the rent was paid because my parents are an artist and musician and didn't make enough money, and wouldn't listen to their parents and get "real" jobs to take care of us. I am a math and science nerd, something all of my grandparents always encouraged, so if I was spoiled it was only by their attention. They didn't believe in a lot of presents, so if they weren't giving them to all of us we didn't get them, and we always got practical stuff like clothes and shoes for Christmas and birthdays.

Since I didn't want music or art lessons, my parents never paid for anything, so my grandparents paid for my science team trips and let me buy my Grandma's old car so I could get a job and pay her back. If I'm spoiled it's only because my Grandma and Grandpa tell me how proud of me they are, and they are the only ones who do it. I'm probably a "brat" because I am resentful that so many adults I know, my grandparents friends and my friends parents, refer to me as "every parents dream child" and my own parents don't care. There isn't a relationship there to worry about, I am too different from them and even when I try to appreciate the things that matter to them, they don't value any of the things I am interested in, and this feels like the last nail in the coffin.

My grandparents and uncle were honest last night when they told me that suing and putting a lien against the house wasn't about getting me the money for college, but preventing my parents from losing the house that Mamaw left them so they wouldn't wind up homeless or with my grandparents having to help them anymore. Though, who knows, maybe once I'm out my grandparents will stop, but my dad has always held the fact that they helped my uncle with law school but wouldn't finance his music dreams against them, so maybe that's part of the guilt.

It sounds like you have good kids, I hope they are a lot kinder and more compassionate than you are, or than you seem to be from your comment. I thought I was done crying today but guess what, you proved me wrong. Hope you feel good about that.

To another nasty comment:

I took every dual enrollment course I possibly could through my highschool, I am graduating with the equivalent of an associates degree worth of credits for only the cost of the textbooks I had to buy, the state and the school district covered the rest. That is why my degree is only going to take 5 semesters instead of 8, and only that because some courses have to be taken consecutively, not concurrently. Why is everyone okay with my sister getting an art degree (no hate to art but seriously?) and I get told to downgrade my dream? I've also had a job since the day I turned 16, have never missed a shift, and have saved every penny I could.

I'm in a serious case of "I did everything right, and still got screwed". I know I can manage college, it'd be a lot easier with any sort of familial support or especially the money from Mamaw, but I'll be able to swing it regardless, but they dodged the issue when I asked for the last few months then drop this bombshell less than a month before graduation. It's really crappy

Suing proves you're no better than them and value money over family:

My parents used to literally call me their "favorite accident", but not in a friendly way. They also left me with my grandparents 70% of the time. My grandparents and uncle are suggesting suing and the lien, but not expecting money from it but if they have a lien then my parents probably won't be able to get a loan against the house, and if they don't have a loan they can't wind up homeless . I love my parents, but I don't like them right now, I don't really know them, they were rarely around and never interested when they were. A couple of people have suggested my sister is the Golden Child, and I'd say that's accurate. What I want doesn't matter now, some of that money was supposed to be for my brother, and now he's angry. I feel like all I really did was sit there, get told things by my parents that made everyone mad and made me feel unloved and uncared for, ask a question here, call my brother, and now it's like, "It's out of my hands". Now I'm just planning not to have any money, and to

Even if we sued and won, they have nothing, unless there is something left in the account when whatever settles. I'm waiting on more info and will update as things happen. I put my graduation reminder on the fridge but am not going to actively remind my parents, we'll see if they bother to show up. My grandparents, uncle, and aunt (his wife) already plan to take me out to dinner after, so at least somebody cares. Everyone on here has been great though, and very validating of my feelings, which is a nice. Even if they don't agree with suing, they are mostly like, "Yeah, this sucks and was unfair, it's alright to be hurt and upset."

In response to another, kinder comment:

Thank you for being kind about this. It is my Dad's family helping, not Mom's, but all my grandparents were really close friends, they used to say they "had to be friends, no one else would understand dealing with (my parents)", so I trust them to know what Mamaw would have wanted. Grandma says that she believes Mamaw left Aunt Teresa in charge because she didn't want to put anymore stress on the relationship between my parents and dad's family, and that it might have been better if they had just taken that risk. My parents, dad especially, would have lost their minds if Grandma and Grandpa had been in charge because dad is still angry that they paid for lawschool for my uncle but wouldn't pay for him to study music. Which is funny because now they are paying for my sister to go to art school instead of me going to college to study science, and don't seem to see the problem.

You are right about having to be the squeaky wheel, except my parents have always been sort of deaf about me so my grandparents had to step in. I was an accident, they had my older siblings and planned to be done and then got pregnant with me. When it turned out I wasn't like any of them, they sort of left me with my grandparents a lot. My brother was raised to be junior version of our dad and they always call Kelsey Mom's "Mini-Me". They were really proud when Kyle had any sort of band performance or a school play or Kelsey was in an art show, but my science and math stuff they didn't care about. Kyle is sort of laid back and he left for college when I was 11 so I don't really remember living with him, and Kelsey is definitely the star of the family, and then their is me. People are sometimes surprised to find out my parents have a second daughter/third child.

Mamaw used to tell me how dogs can't see in color, so they can't really appreciate a rainbow, and that my achievements and interests were just something my parents couldn't appreciate. All this is making me miss her more, my Grandma is awesome but Mamaw was the one I spent the most time with when I was little and maybe it's stupid but thinking about this and the fact that the money only exisisted because she and Poppop died is making me angry and sad. I'm going to graduate next month and I don't think my parents even care, I know my grandparents do but the fact that only half of them will be there is getting to me today.

On a fun note- what are the planned undergrad/grad degrees?

Meteorology/Atmospheric Science. Dream job would be to work for NOAA or NWS doing atmospheric research, specifically on polar destabilization and costal impacts from changing storm patterns.

Mini Update in Comments: April 30, 2024 (3 days from OG post)

It's a moot point now, my brother found out that they are also using his left over share of the college money, which says he would have received when we all graduated or turned 25, and he's going to pursue it whether I want to or not. It was never my idea to sue or do the lien, my uncle and grandparents suggested it, and I was asking for advice over whether or not it'd be an asshole move. Even then, they made it clear suing wouldn't be about getting money for me, it was about preventing my parents from mortgaging the house Mamaw left them and then losing it when they couldn't make payments. My uncle says his partner is willing to look into it, and Kyle has a good career and is the sort of person willing to sink money into this just to get even.

Besides on here I've really had no control and talked to no one, even when I talked to Kyle and he told me what he knew that was it, then he called our grandparents and uncle and my uncle was texting me updates as he got more info. I haven't even yelled at my parents about it yet, when I got home after Grandpa's birthday party they were already asleep, and besides them asking me to take the dog out before I went to work and texting me to bring home milk they haven't spoken to me since the party. Even at the party they were yelling at Grandma and Grandpa and my uncle and comforting Kelsey, I don't think they said anything to me at all. They announced Kelsey's JAIR program, then that they were funding it with Mamaw's money, then argued with my grandparents and uncle, but now that I think of it they didn't say a single word to me. Holy crow, that's gonna put me in therapy for sure. My best friend knows, my brother knows, my dad's side knows, and my guidance counselor knows, but that's it. I'm not letting it out other than here because I don't need the drama and god forbid someone let my parents know I'm upset or made them look bad, I'd never hear the end of it.

OOP clarifies:

Funny thing is, except for asking me to take the dog out and texting me to bring home milk, I haven't seen or spoken to them since the party. I came home, they were asleep, they hollered for me to take the dog out before I left for work, I went to work, went to my grandparents, came home, no sign of them, which means they were out with friends probably. Wash, rinse, repeat except with school and work instead of just work and my grandparents yesterday and today. I'm seriously considering keeping a diary of what they say to me when, in case it ever becomes relevant. Someone else said that my brother and I were probably their retirement plan, so if that's true maybe when they ask for something I can whip it out and be like, "Remember when these were the only things you said to me for the whole month before I graduated highschool? No, well, that's why I'm not helping you."

I feel like an unwanted roommate.

Editor's note: Just a side note because I figure it will come up in the comments- yes, working in the arts is a real job. (It's literally my field and I support myself just fine in it lol.) But I think we can all agree that her parents aren't fitting the definition of having jobs that support the family.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITA for divorcing my wife over getting a massage

Thanks to and for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: fertility issues, accusations of infidelity, manipulation

: April 16, 2024

My soon to be ex-wife and I are both in our late 30s. We've been together 12 years married for 10. We are in a dead bedroom. It was totally dead for 6 months before I filed for divorce. It was on life support/ICU for 5-6 years before that.

We both wanted to be younger parents, and both wanted 2 kids. We conceived our daughter almost immediately after getting married. When she was 6 months old we started trying to have the 2nd child. It never happened. After 3 years we started seeing fertility specialists and found out we both have pretty serious reproductive issues. The doctor told us our daughter was nothing short of a miracle, and said it was against all odds that we not only conceived but carried to term. It was after this that the sex life began to seriously decline.

Initially I thought it was just the pain of finding out, and knowing we wouldn't be able to afford the fertility options, and figured it would get better over time. It never did, it only got worse. 5 years ago I would say we had sex 15 to 20 times that year, in 2023 we had sex 3 times. I have tried everything to improve this, spicing things up, talking, suggested counseling. I more than pull my weight around the house. We both work and work basically the same hours. I'm telling this because the usual stuff I read on Reddit about how "The wife does it all" is not even close to true.

Over time I have grown more and more resentful. The thing that makes me the most resentful is she knows I have a high libido, and just doesn't care. I on the other hand know she loves to be rubbed on/massaged, and never took that from her. I probably rub on her 325 times a year. Almost every night I will rub her claves, shins, ankles and feet. 4 to 5 nights a month I will go big and do neck, shoulder, back, butt, hamstring, quads, shins, calves, ankles, and feet. I noticed that doing the big massages was the best way to get sex, as she was more likely to allow me to do the foreplay things I know work on her if I had already done this prep. I did them more often a few years ago but now not as much. The success rate was never that great, maybe 20% of the time, but in the last 2 years we are definitely in the single digits.

When we hit the 4 months of absolutely no sex, I decided I wasn't rubbing on her ever again. It only took 3 days for her to notice and she asked me to. I told her no, and I got angry. I said "Why should I, when you don't give a fuck about what I want.". Obviously not my finest moment and huge argument followed. Things got ice cold at home but I wasn't giving in, I was tired of all of it.

A few weeks ago she told me fine, I will just start seeing a professional masseuse. I said, "Then I will start seeing sex workers." She said that was cheating. I said "Fine, I won't but you will not get a massage from anyone else, that is also cheating.". She said I was being ridiculous and I said, "No, it's being touched in an intimate way by another, if I can't have that, neither can you, and I swear to fucking God if you do I will file for divorce that day."

The following weekend, she went to get her nails done, I know how long it takes for her to get her nails done. She came back almost an hour and half later than I expected. She didn't say anything just acted normal. I got on her credit card app on my phone and sure enough there was a $95 charge to the goddamn massage person in the same strip mall as the nail place.

I lost it, and when I did so did she. I think we both let out years of frustration on each other. True to my word though I called a divorce lawyer on Monday. The only part that upset me was my lawyer said based on these circumstances I couldn't list "Infidelity" as the reason for divorce and had to go with "irreconcilable differences."

Anyway she has been telling people we are divorcing because she got a massage. Since then I have had a number of family members/friends call me and say I'm an asshole. Some of them even when I tell them my real reasons, still think I'm an asshole and that my reasons aren't good enough. Personally, I think getting massage when told not to, is plenty of reasoning. So am I the asshole here?

Personal note: I reread this and I know it comes off angry. But I am angry, angry at myself for wasting so many years. But I'm also angry because this was just the ultimate fuck you, she just went and did it anyway and didn't even try to hide it. Literally went to the same place next to the nail salon and used her CC which I pay, like I wasn't going to see the charge.

Additional Information from OOP:

Large Scale Response to many commenters:

This thing has gotten like 2k plus comments in 12 hours, I can't even begin to address that.

Most of you are correct, this isn't about a massage, I could honestly care less about the massage. That was simply what I fixated on after I finally broke.

Now to those that like to ride the assumption train or, for some reason, just create your own narrative based on who knows what.

I did not just massage my wife to get sex. I did this for her 300 times a year nearly our entire relationship. I did it back when we used to have sex 10-15 times a month, back when foreplay was something I still got to experience, back when lingerie was common and not just a distant memory. The full massages just became the only way to get the chance of sex above ZERO. The small leg ones were never escalated by me and far more common.

Since most people bashing me decided to skim over or ignore the short vague list of all i tried over the years here's a more comprehensive account: Date nights, weekend vacations, love letters, long conversations where I laid out all my feelings (I'll give her credit, she never did promise to do better, just told me she understands where I'm coming from, guess I should have understood then that meant she didn't care), I suggested counseling 5 times. I even booked us once and ended up going to the first 2 sessions by myself, when she said she was too busy to go the 3rd I just cancelled and never went back.

Yes, the day to day routine stuff is pretty balanced, as far as housework, career, and I think we are both great parents. But our relationship was one sided, it took me a long time to see it so boldly and to stop accepting it. If she wants a snack, she doesn't get it, she asks me to, drink, same thing. If she wanted to go out with friends, sure babe no prob go ahead, I got the girl just worry about you. If I do, it's 2 hour prep for me to make sure nothing's gonna go wrong while I'm out. A couple years ago I saw a clip of a comedian talking about being out golfing when his wife wanted to watch a DVD, and everyone's laughing as he's describing the whole conversation. I just wanted to ball my eyes out, because that was my life. I just stopped trying to even go out, it wasn't worth the effort anymore.

Yeah we had other forms of Intimacy, we cuddled at bedtime to fall asleep. She never really liked kissing or hand holding so I wrote those off back when times were good. So I had cuddling and on the very rare occasion sex to look forward to. Now let's flip this over, besides the near daily rub downs, also pretty common for me to brush her hair, she likes that she'll ask for that. Painted toe nails a few times, back scratching pretty common. Oh usually draw her a bath after she works out, does that count as intimacy, or is that just more of only doing things to fuck her?

I guess I am the asshole, I'm the asshole to myself for putting up with this for so long. And I get it, you're all right, we both have unprocessed trauma from having our dreams dashed, but I didn't quit. I honestly didn't berate her emotionally because of this, I knew she was having a hard time, yeah I let my frustrations or disappointment show sometimes, but I didn't get angry. Not until now, not until I had that bad day, and she said "well, tomorrow will be better, can you rub on me." And the sick thing is I felt totally dismissed and still did it anyway. After, I was so angry I just decided I'm never rubbing on her again. And ive been angry ever since, even now typing this has put me in a full rage. No I really don't give a shit about the massage, it was just the final Fuck You of our marriage.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of NTAs and YTAs.

Relevant Comments

Taylor5: Question: What's your wife's reaction to you filing for divorce?

OOP: She has been rather pissed off too. Thinks I am being ridiculous and childish. Which the massage thing was I admit. But she has said my desire for sex is juvenile, that I'm not some teenager, and we have a life that I AM throwing away over nothing. That was all the initial reaction.

Now she's full go for divorce, but makes it sound like a competition, so I'm expecting plenty of bullshit.

My lawyer says outside of a 50/50 split she doesn't have much to fight for. We make almost the exact same amount in terms of annual salary. 50/50 is the default for custody and since I've found an apartment about 10 minutes BIKE RIDE away and still in the same school that's not going to be an issue.

I'm contemplating some concessions just to move the process, although she hasn't done anything or said anything yet. I'm just getting prepared if she does.

: April 29, 2024

Little update.

While this is not official by any means at this point, I'll take it as a positive. STBX asked me to meet yesterday to hash out some details of the divorce, and it was actually pretty productive.

We agreed on a 50/50 custody arrangement. Basically week there week here. Becomes 2 weeks during summer break. We each keep our own retirements, splitting the savings 60-40 her favor. Each keep our primary vehicle.

I made a huge concession on the house, it was my idea. I want our child to grow up in that house. Ours was a 3 bedroom, with a finished basement and nice yard. I don't want her to live in a pair of 2 bedroom apartments. This is important to me. I'll be paying a "housing alimony" each month to offset some costs, since my rent and projected utilities etc are much lower than the mortgage/utilities/upkeep. We did agree on some stipulations that would end that.

1. If another adult should moves in (i.e. a boyfriend/new husband) my obligation ends immediately.

2. My obligation ends when our daughter moves out or turns 22, whichever comes first.

3. There's a bunch of different scenarios we talked about in terms of splitting the house if she wishes to sell it. I won't bore with all of that, but basically as long as I continue to make the alimony payment I'll get 40% at time of sale or a buyout.

I'm turning all this over to my lawyer this week, and he will write it up and send it to her lawyer. While she definitely had a "you are beneath me vibe", during our meeting, I'm happy this doesn't look like it will be an ugly divorce as I was very worried it would be. I assume our daughter is the motivating factor for her sudden amicable attitude.

Relevant Comments

OOP on if his daughter is actually his since he and his wife were not able to have any more children

OOP: We literally conceived within a few weeks of being married, we were going at it like rabbits back then, literally newlyweds spending every second together. I don't want to pick on you but this is the most annoying part of Reddit. I know I acted like an asshole about the massage, and I know it's not actually cheating, but there is no actual infidelity anywhere in any post or comment I've made. I don't understand why would you jump to that, and it's not just you several others have to, but I truly have no fears that she was ever unfaithful.

: May 1, 2024

Well that didn't last long.

Lawyer called first thing this morning. Wife changed mind, rejecting all the house stuff we talked about. Says she wants to sell and move into something smaller. She is only rejecting the house agreements, custody agreement is not being rejected

I told my lawyer fine, I'm done. Told him here's the offer from my side then.

50/50 custody, 50/50 split of house sale, I'll still go 60/40 on savings (I know some you say this is dumb/unfair, but I have my reasons and they all revolve around our daughter.)

I'm actually fine with this, not even upset that she wasted 4 hours of our time on Saturday. Just ready to be done, after my initial tirade I have really come into a good place, it's like I spent years carrying around a backpack of stones and I finally decided to put it down.

Personal Response to OnlyFans "models": Stop sending me invites and messages. I can jack off on my own just fine for free, I'm not going to pay you. Leave people the fuck alone.

Relevant Comments

Old_Hamster_4218: I don’t understand the 60/40 savings. If it revolves around your daughter, and you’re 50/50 on custody, you having the money is the same as your wife having it, unless she has more responsible spending practices or something.

OOP: Okay, I have paid all the bills our whole marriage. I don't mean my money, we both work, I mean I have been the person in charge of making sure things get paid. I also don't really spend a lot on myself month to month, sure I do some, but she is definitely more of a spender. Id rather give her some more buffer while she learns how to manage finances, because , yeah I think she's going to fuck up. Maybe I'm wrong but this woman hasn't thought about bills or budgets in years. And I don't mean to say she is irresponsible, she's not, she wasn't a crazy spender or anything, maybe I'm being irrationally accommodating.

Also really need to stress we aren't rich people, this isn't some gigantic amount of money we're debating here. In all honesty if she feels like she's winning and we divorce faster, I'll consider it money well spent.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Disclaimer: I have commented on this drama, though not in the linked thread. Hopefully this write up reads as objectively as possible.

Have you ever heard of ? What about ? How about ? Or ? They all came from the same line in The Last Jedi where a soldier licks what looks to be snow, before confirming the ground on the planet Crait (not to be confused the the Krayt Dragons of Tatooine) is in fact covered in salt. The original was made for critiques of the movie, and the sequels in general, while the others grew out of dissatisfaction with the sub in one way or another.

There's also the general sub for bots, the sub for (barely) literate fans, the sub for nice people, and for the people who have obscure questions about star ship fuel that can only be answered by a source book from the 90s. All of these star wars based subs can't really play nice with each other. Ask any of these subs their opinion on any other sub, and you will probably hear something negative or lamentations about the state of said sub.

Enter , like many other circle jerk subs, the name says it all. You come, you make some jokes, mostly about the state of the fandom or the franchise, everyone breathes out of their nose and moves on.

The Drama:

This by the moderator of the sub has seemingly hit their own exhaust port with a proton torpedo.

people with they them pronouns are extremely narcissistic or unaware

A passerby asks for clarification:

Would you like to attempt to explain what you mean by that?

They lay out their viewpoint:

trying to get people to refer to you by terms never used before is a sign of narcissism
Although some people just put those pronouns cause they don’t know any better and wanna show support for a flawed idea

The thread continues on from there. Of seemingly more interest is the way this has and may in the future impact the sub. Sorting by Hot, the sub has been inundated with calls to either oust the mods (have fun living in a fantasy land) or to leave and form their own better circle jerks thus continuing the lifecycle of Star War sub mitosis. Even more interesting, though I won't (can't?) link to this, is the way the mod in question has essentially doubled, tripled, quadrupled down on their stance in disparate posts across the sub. Their post history shows comments almost squarely in the negative. ...Well, alright fine, I'll link one of their posts on the sub from after the comments. It seems clear they enjoy reveling in the aftermath of all this.

So I ask you SRDines, does implode? Does it spawn a rival sub and schism not seen since the days of The Last Jedi sub-divisions?

Update: the subs been privated, hopefully through no intervention by popcorn pissers. Regardless, there’s been some discussion in the community about make a new circle jerk. The one posted that I’ve seen is I believe.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Interviewer made a comment about my [24F] facial expressions. I have Tourette's.

TRIGGER WARNING: Ableism

  Apr 13, 2016

Sorry if this is in the wrong sub. I am feeling so down about what happened and don't know what to ask, exactly.

Edit: I just posted and see how very long this post is. Sorry in advance, and thank you to those of you who make it through.

Some background: I have Tourette's and OCD. It's actually Tourettic OCD, where my "compulsions" are, in addition to other actions and mental activities, muscular tics. A lot of these are on my face. I have had this since I was about 10 years old and have gotten very adept at hiding them. The tics come and go and change sometimes; if there's a really extreme one I can usually suppress it so it is very slight, or I can basically adopt a new tic and stop focusing so much on the other, more embarrassing tic. The tics still happen, but it is very restrained and I usually do it when someone has looked away. Some of the tics I have now are eye blinking, eye movement, eyebrow arching and furrowing, and grimacing with my mouth. Most people have no idea I suffer from this because I have gotten so good at hiding it. If I tell someone about it, they can pay attention and see the little lapses I have pretty often, but I don't think most people would give it a second thought if they didn't know to look for it. I am very proud of myself for having been able to restrain my tics so much. There is no cure for Tourette's, so I have to live with it. One thing that is very hard is that I am ALWAYS in conscious control of my facial muscles. Other people, I imagine, don't even remember their faces regularly (if that makes sense). I am always thinking about my face -- "Don't grimace yet; he's looking." "Don't blink too hard many times in a row." "Don't furrow your brows while they're talking to you; hold on until they look away." It's mentally exhausting.

I had an interview yesterday. I think it went well -- they have tons of applicants so I can't say I feel 100% that I got the job, but I know I would do a good job and I think I performed well in the interview. There were 3 rounds; the first was with the manager, the second was with two people on the team I would be working with, and the third was with another person, Albert [20sM], on the team as well as Jake [40sM], a manager of a closely related team who was helping Jake conduct interviews. Jake was very funny and easy to talk to, and Albert was very sweet and also easy to talk to.

The third round was going very well. We were all laughing a lot, talking about our backgrounds, and discussing my skills and application. I had a lot of questions and we were all getting along great. One of the questions I always ask in interviews is something along the lines of, "Is there anything in my candidature that gives you worry compared to other applicants, and is there anything I can clarify to assuage a doubt you might have?" Jake was thinking long and hard, hands behind his head, the works. He then said, "You need to be mindful of your facial expressions. You're like me in that your eyes and you face relay a lot about what's going on in your head." Albert did one small nod, but I don't know if that's because he agreed or was just participating in the conversation.

I was pretty shocked, because I've never heard that about myself from anyone. I have been so proud of myself for suppressing my tics. I thanked him for his input and said, "I hope I'm not being too personal, but I actually have Tourette's and many of my tics are centralized on my face." Jake then said, "No no, it's not tics, it's everything -- your eyes, your eyebrows, your mouth. I don't mean to insult you, but since you asked I think it would be useful for you to know. I used to suffer from the same thing." I was still kind of shocked and said, "I'm so sorry, but the tics are even with my eyebrows and my entire face; I'm sorry if I gave the impression I was ever uninterested or anything but happy to be here." Jake replied that he knows it's a nervous setting, I'm probably not always like that, but I should be relaxed and smile. Since I had asked he thought he should give me an honest answer. Please note that throughout all this, I remained in an upbeat mood and, to the best of my knowledge, didn’t display how awful I felt. I said with another smile, “You know, I thought I was smiling a lot this interview!” Then Albert said, “Yeah, I actually noticed how much you were smiling.”

Ok, so basically that happened and I was floored. I thanked Jake several times for his input and said that I was grateful to get a rare, honest opinion. Thankfully the interview was coming to an end then. I shook their hands, thanked them again, and Albert walked me down to the entryway. He was supposed to escort me out but I asked where the restroom was, so he told me where to go and how to leave when I was out.

I got to the bathroom and was trying not to break down. I was in the stall saying, “Please not now, please not now, please not now…” But, of course, I started crying some. I was able to dry off my face and wait for an Uber to come. By some miracle, I got an incredible Uber driver who was a minister. He saw I was upset and at first thought it was just an interview gone wrong, but since I couldn’t stop the tears from falling I just told him what happened. He was so kind and prayed for me, said it was God’s work that he and I met at this moment. He made me feel better in the moment. When I got home, I just broke down again.

I don’t know what exactly I’m asking for — words of wisdom, advice on how to grab life by the horns and not let this bring me down too much? I am now constantly doubting myself; do other people think I have some attitude but just don’t say anything? Am I screwing myself over in job interviews? What can I do? My Uber driver said I should embrace my tics and not suppress them, since they’re part of who I am. I wish I could do that, but I’m not confident enough at this stage. Regardless of how it SHOULD be, I know that going into a job interview and making weird movements with my eyebrows and grimacing and jerking my leg will not give the right impression. I am really smart and a great worker, I am pretty, and I am friendly and happy. I just don’t know what to do. I felt like everything I’ve worked for was just brought down. I’m tearing up writing this now.

Has anyone ever been through anything like this? Please help. Thank you.

tl;dr I have Tourette’s. Interviewer thought I was being overly expressive and showing my emotions too clearly, when in fact I was trying really hard just to repress my tics. I feel humiliated and like I’ll never be on an even playing field.

  Apr 27, 2016

Thank you so much to all of you who commented; you really helped me get some perspective. Looking back I was probably overreacting some because it was so personal to me.

Before I do the update — a lot of people mentioned that they weren’t aware of how Tourette’s can manifest itself. I also got some PMs about it, so here is just a bit more information. Basically to be “qualified” for Tourette’s, you have to have multiple tics, both motor AND vocal. Funnily enough, although I had tics since around middle school, I only learned about Tourette’s through watching a South Park episode about it in my first year of college. So if you are interested in learning more (they give a great overview of the disorder) and also laughing a lot, I recommend you watch S11E08 of South Park, “Le Petit Tourette”.

So on to the update — I had my interview on Tuesday when I made my post. On Friday afternoon, I got a call from HR; she asked me how the interview went. I wondered if something had been mentioned, so I said it went well except for this one awkward exchange, and I explained briefly what happened. She said she was sorry to hear abut the unpleasantness, but she was calling to let me know that every person I had met with had great things to say about me, and they unanimously voted to give me an offer.

SO I got the job! It was a good offer with nice benefits. It’s not my dream job, though, and I was actually in the later stages with another position that I really, really wanted. I asked them if I could have a week to respond; they said yes.

Yesterday, I got a call from this second company, and they gave me an offer too. The offer was a ton more money than the first one, like over 30% more, it’s the exact position I have been looking for for months, and it’s right by the beach! I of course accepted. I am ecstatic and will find a new apartment and start the new job in June, which is after my May wedding :)

Thank you again for your kind words. I appreciate it. Feel free to PM me if you have any more questions about Tourette’s!

tl;dr I got the job I had the awkward interview for. I got a great offer from another company with my dream job, which I accepted. I’ll be making lots more money, living at the beach, and getting married in less than a month!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Bag-o-beans

OP, a few thoughts.

I really like Jake. From your original post:

Jake then said, "No no, it's not tics, it's everything -- your eyes, your eyebrows, your mouth. I don't mean to insult you, but since you asked I think it would be useful for you to know. I used to suffer from the same thing."

Wow. What a window for connection!

But I really like you even more!

"The tics come and go and change sometimes; if there's a really extreme one I can usually suppress it so it is very slight, or I can basically adopt a new tic and stop focusing so much on the other, more embarrassing tic. The tics still happen, but it is very restrained and I usually do it when someone has looked away. Some of the tics I have now are eye blinking, eye movement, eyebrow arching and furrowing, and grimacing with my mouth. Most people have no idea I suffer from this because I have gotten so good at hiding it. If I tell someone about it, they can pay attention and see the little lapses I have pretty often, but I don't think most people would give it a second thought if they didn't know to look for it. I am very proud of myself for having been able to restrain my tics so much."

You go on and on like this! It's amazing. You should be proud. You have taken the lemons of a potentially debilitating condition and mastered it to make lemonade. Jake could appreciate this, I'm guessing Albert could too. Which is why they were so willing to hire you. Take a guess at how many job applicants they get with that level of self-mastery.

Last thought. Jake is inviting you into the Adult Tourettes Club. I'm a member myself.

OOP

Thanks :)

Just want to say -- Jake wasn't referring to Tourette's; he was referring to the idea that my emotions are easily seen in my face. I don't fault him horribly because he was trying to salvage an awkward situation.

Glad to be in the club, though :D

~

[deleted]

Wow, what fabulous news, first an offer, then a much better offer! Congratulations!

Can you let your Uber driver know? :)

OOP

We are actually trying to find him to invite him to the wedding, haha!

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1 update - Medium

- 14th March 2024

- 6th May 2024

My wife is moving out of state and I can’t leave with her

My wife finally got accepted into a dental school after three cycles of applying. She didn’t get accepted to any in-state schools the last two cycles so she decided to apply broadly last year to give her a better chance of getting in. Last month, she received an acceptance letter from a really good program and I’m extremely proud of her for all of her hard work. There’s only one problem: it’s an out-of-state program and I have two children from a previous relationship that I see every other weekend.

I would love to move with my wife and support her but I also can’t imagine leaving my children behind for 4 years. I asked my wife to please apply another cycle to see if she can get into an in-state program but she really doesn’t want to and honestly, I can’t blame her at all. My ex also heard about my wife’s acceptance letter from my mother, and they are already calling me a bad father for even considering moving so far away.

I feel very torn between my wife and my kids. Should I try long distance? Should I beg my wife to re-apply? Should I try to get a parenting plan in place to become a summer dad? Has anyone here ever been in a remotely similar situation? I don’t know what to.

Comments

Signal_Wall_8445

You can’t ask your wife to reapply after she went through two years of denials from the same schools you want her to reapply to.

You need to tell your mother that she will be cut off from information about your family if she won’t stop blabbing it to your ex.

You can at least try long distance first.

OOP: Yes, realistically, I know I can’t ask her to do that. Especially, since she has sacrificed so much. I’m just trying to find any solution to keep my family together.

kunkelikke

My husband got into out of state dental school 2 years into my medical school training. The drive was 4 hours away. Granted we had no children but we made every effort to see each other on weekends and holidays and breaks. It wasn’t fun but sometimes the absence makes you appreciate them even more. Now we are both graduated and live at home together and appreciate it because of the long distance and struggles that we overcame.

OOP: Thank you for commenting. This gives me some hope that long distance can work for us.

Update - 2 months later

My wife is leaving the state for dental school in a few months, and we had finally come to terms with the idea of doing a long-distance relationship for the next four years so I could still be in my kids' lives.

After months of discussing the situation with my family, my parents have offered to help move my daughters and my ex to the same city where my wife is going to dental school. They even offered to pay for an apartment nearby for them until my ex finds stable income there. The mother of the girls has wanted to leave the state for years, so she's on board and ready to make the move. I was really excited that I wouldn't have to do long distance anymore while still having my girls around and I think this works out perfectly.

However, I have noticed in recent weeks that my wife is unhappy/not comfortable with this solution and wants to stick to the original plan of doing LDR. My parents and her have not had the best relationship, to say the least, and this is causing unnecessary strain in the family. My parents have expressed wanting my wife to be more involved with the girls, and her resistance is making it look like she doesn't have mine or the girls' best interest at heart. This is obviously not true; she is a phenomenal wife and stepmother and I desperately want my parents to love her like we do. How can we all work together to find a solution that addresses everyone's needs and concerns?

Comments

FSmertz

However, I have noticed in recent weeks that my wife is unhappy/not comfortable with this solution and wants to stick to the original plan of doing LDR.

This is a bit strange to me. Granted your wife doesn't get on with your folks all that well, but they aren't moving as well, right? The apartment offer was for your ex, correct? On paper this seems like a first-class solution, win-win-win, what theories have you about your wife's state of mind?

A 4-year long-distance marriage is a huge challenge to sustain. Why would your wife prefer that?

Let's get that elephant to step forth here: how is the state of your marriage on all levels?

OOP: My parents coincidentally already live in MA, but not in the same city where my wife got accepted. They don't necessarily dislike my wife but they have repeatedly stated that they want me to work things out with my ex for the sake of the children and they have preference over her since she's the mother of their only grandchildren. My wife has expressed feeling like an outsider and unwelcome and has stopped making an effort in trying to have a relationship with them which makes her come off as cold and distant. I think she will feel outnumbered by having us all so close to each other but I have assured her that I am always in her corner.

RO489

Are you for real? Your parents are basically trying to get you back with your ex and you seem like your wife being cold and distant is the problem? You two need marriage counseling and your parents need to get on board or be put at a distance

SaveBandit987654321

I’m not sure. His wife was going to leave the state and leave OP behind where his ex-wife already resides where he would continue to have regular custody time with his children (now with his wife absent) and regular contact with his ex-wife, again with his wife long distance for 4 entire years. If their goal was to try to revive their son’s marriage to his ex, why would they be putting in so much effort into allowing him to continue living with his current wife?

OOP: No, I want to clarify that my wife is definitely not the problem. I just mentioned that she’s cold and distant to describe how she rightfully feels towards them and why she isn’t 100% comfortable with the plan. I just think that her agreeing to them moving with us will make everyone more receptive towards her and it’s a step in the right direction to mend the relationship.

thunderchicken_1

I think she’s trying to get away from you.

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Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 1st May 2024

- 3rd May 2024

Caught My(35m) wife(34) sending pics to BIL(40m) is our marriage is salvageable at this point?

My wife Jessica (34) and I (35m) have been married for 3 years, and we dated for 2 years before that and we have two year old daughter. Jessica has two sisters, the eldest one (38f) is married to Jake (40m).

A week ago, I came home from work early and wanted to scare Jessica. I tried to be sneaky, but somehow I slipped and accidentally hurt my back. Jessica came to my rescue. I went to the bedroom, and she went to the kitchen to get an ice pack. Her phone was by the bed, and a WhatsApp notification came from Jake saying, "You've got the best pair I've ever seen."

I immediately knew what was happening. I unlocked the phone and saw that she had just sent some pics and video of her t*ts to Jake, and there were no previous chats before that. When Jessica came back to the room, I showed her the chat and asked, "How long?"

I have known this woman for 10 years, and I have never seen her so mortified. Her eyes got teary, and she said, "Babe, I am sorry, but I can explain" so I said go on.

According to her, at the end of 2019, she was struggling with money, and Jake suggested he would help her out. He hinted that he would like to see her pics. So she did sent him pics and it continue over the years, She swears there was nothing emotional or physical involved—it was purely transactional. I didn't believe any of it, but she showed me on Venmo, that MF paid her $300 yesterday.

I then told her, "It's been 5 years. Try to remember if anything physical happened". For me, if even half of what she is saying is true, how could something like that not become physical? She started crying and told me she could prove it tomorrow because Jake would get suspicious if she tried to talk to him now.

I took her phone, went to a bar, got wasted for the night, and when I came back, she was still there crying. I just slept on the couch. Next day morning I gave her the phone she called Jake, conversation goes something like this

• Jessica: Hey, I was wondering if you want some more pics?

• Jake: I'm short on money, yesterday, I spent all of it.

• Jessica: We can do something more this time and meet in person. I've changed my mind on that.

• Jake: No way. How much are we talking about?

I felt like I was going to puke, I told her that we are done and left for office. I am not a very wealthy dude, but I would consider myself a stable guy who could take care of his family. Now I just feel like I have failed as a man, who's wife had to sell her body to meet her expected lifestyle.

When I got home that night, she looked like shit, I asked Jessica why she kept taking money from him after we got married and why she didn't ask me while we were dating. She said she didn't know how to stop and that it was easy money. I left my home that night and told her she can keep the home and the car but I want 50/50 custody of my child.

So here I am now, haven't told anyone about this. It's been a week since, staying in a hotel. I go home in the evening to play with my daughter. I'm speaking with divorce lawyers, and Jessica is constantly talking about marriage counseling.

Comments

thesocialmediadetox

Her sister deserves to know.

Elegant-Channel351

Gather the evidence. Contact an attorney. Follow the attorneys advice AND tell your SIL and all of the family (not the kids). Your marriage is over.

Update - 2 days later

Before getting to the update, some people were asking me to get a paternity test. I don't need one, I know she is my daughter because I am Indian and Jessica(my wife) is white, and my daughter looks like me.

Now for the update

After I made that post, I shared my situation with my cousin sister(30f), she is the only family member I have living in the States. I visited her place the next day, and she knocked some sense into me. I realized part of me still didn't want a divorce because I basically married Jessica against my parents' will, they wanted me to have an arranged marriage. So, my failed marriage would hurt my ego.

She also arranged a meeting with a divorce lawyer and no I am not giving up my house, I was just emotional at that time. From what I understand, in our state, adultery has pretty much zero impact on the assets, so it will likely be a 50/50 split. However, there is a high chance I can get better custody of my daughter because I have a job, and Jessica doesn't. She is also involved in "sex work" at this point, which could work in my favor.

My father-in-law called me last evening, and he was crying. He told me he didn't know what to say to me and that if he were in my place, he would have left her. Apparently, Jessica got scared and told her family everything after I didn't visit home for 2 days and had blocked her everywhere. I guess I should have done that a little while ago and jake is out of his house also.

So, I think I will go for a divorce because there is no point of reconciliation at this point when the whole relationship seems fake to me.

Comments

HelloJunebug

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Sounds like you have a good path forward and I wish you the best with custody and all that. Can I ask what happened with Jake and his wife? Sounds like she kicked him out?

OOP: Yeah she kicked him out yesterday I didn't ask about them that much but it sound like my SIL is sure she is getting divorce.

UnusualPotato1515

Any update on your SIL’s relationship with Jessica?

OOP: It sounds like everyone is trying to cut off contact with both Jessica and jake, but I think only my MIL is talking to Jessica, she was at my house last night.

l3ex_G

What happened with the sisters marriage ?

OOP: I think my SIL is fixated on divorce at this moment.

l3ex_G

What was the excuse BIL gave? The fact he took money from their home and gave it to your ex is crazy. I hope she can heal from that and does divorce him.

OOP: I didn't really ask, I was too overwhelmed by my father-in-law's response, he was crying nonstop.

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jeder weißt was zutun ist :-)

When I press the x next to the thing I searched, it wont delete it. I even tried refreshing it, but still nothing

Banned due to being unmoderated.

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This post was originally posted to as well as .

TRIGGER WARNING: loss of housing, manipulation, financial exploitation, issues with gambling, theft, possible cheating

MOOD SPOILERS: frustrating

was posted on March 3, 2024

Long story short, my girlfriend and I have been living together for around 10 months. When she first moved in she insisted on paying rent and I was reluctant to charge her if it didn’t work out but she forced it and paid a month. Then I found out she’s struggling for money, unable to pay for things, is in a lot of debt and lives month to month. She agreed with me that she’d start when she clears the debt. Fast forward to Christmas I find out she’s been stealing my clothes to give to her family as gifts (another post on here). She lied for 2 weeks blaming me until I showed her footage of her taking the things from the camera in the living room (to watch the dog when I’m out).

I later then discover through letters and texts I’ve seen appear on her phone she’s been doing nothing to pay any of it off, so I confront her. She tells me and shows me messages that her mother and sisters constantly guilt trip her into giving them money and have for years.

They’ll message her on pay day asking for it and she feels bad saying no, despite non of them ever paying it back. Her mum alone owes her over £6000. She has taken a ton of loans out for her family and they leave her with the debt and don’t pay it back. Luckily her credit is now at the point where nobody will loan to her but she still tries and does it for them. I also find out (I went through her finances, yes I shouldn’t have but something wasn’t adding up and I was being lied to) that in the space of 20 minutes she spent £300 on gambling sites. All during this time she isn’t paying a penny towards rent, bills anything. She’ll occasionally buy food shopping or trips out to Starbucks. I tell her enough is enough and she needs to start paying her way. If she can give handouts to her family and gamble she can pay for where she lives and she’s taken me for a ride when she should’ve been saving and clearing debts.

I make roughly 5x what she does but I’ve been fair in that the bills are split proportionally to income. She’ll earn £1400 per month and pays £600 which includes rent and her share of the bills. I take on the rest which is substantially more but I believe it’s not fair to take more.

On the 1st of this month she tells me she can’t pay rent. She says she’s paid out too much on our trips to Starbucks, food shopping and I’ll get it when I get it but she doesn’t understand why I need it this month when she’s lived for free the past 9 months anyway. I’ve asked her to explain where her money has exactly gone but she tells me I’m controlling and it’s non of my business. In fairness she will pay when we go food shopping but rarely in comparison to me. I’ve kicked her out as of yesterday and told her she needs to find somewhere to live. She is however pregnant and she’s using that card as a way to guilt trip me and make out I’ve thrown out her and my child onto the streets.

In my opinion she is taking me for a ride and prioritising her family that is using her over her own family she’s started? What’s the solution here to getting her to see she’s not treating me fairly?

TLDR: Girlfriend hasn’t paid rent for 9 months whilst she was supposed to be clearing debts. Instead she was giving money to her family, gambling and I’ve thrown her out because she’s refusing to pay again. She is pregnant.

was posted on March 20, 2024

I sat her down and gave her an ultimatum early last week. I explained to her that we are a family, and became a family when she decided to have a baby with me. I told her if we’re going to stay together she’s going to have to be a lot more open, contribute and no more taking on debt she can’t afford which brings it to my door when she can’t pay. I also told her I want to see her bank statements because I suspect she has a gambling problem and is in some serious debt. She agreed to all of this and committed to showing me the bank statements when I ask and says going forward she’ll pay towards bills. I believe she’s turned a corner and start getting along with her better and she moves back in.

As I was sat next to her phone last night when she went to grab a drink her phone lit up with a text message. It read “loan accepted by X lender, click here to accept.” I immediately called her out and she starts crying telling me she has no money left again for the month and she’s had to resort to payday loans for some money. I tell her she should’ve have come to me and tell her I explicitly said no more loans.

She also tells me she won’t be able to afford to pay towards bills again. She works full time and brings home around £1400-£1200 a month dependant on hours but a lot of the time she phones sick so gets sick pay which is a lot less. I ask to see her bank statements and she refuses telling me I’m being controlling by asking when she’s told me and I don’t need to see them. That’s the last straw for me. I’m almost certain she’s been giving it away at this point again or gambling. I give her a scenario: “Your baby is starving and needs food and there’s non in the house, what are you going to do.”

She replies “you’ll have to pay.” That’s fine I’ll happily support my son I tell her because the mother is clearly a deadbeat. So I ask to see her Facebook Messenger to see if her family have been hitting her up for free money again and conveniently all of the family members that borrow from her have the chats cleared (she says she deletes them to be tidy, yet mines still there).

I told her this isn’t going to work and she tells me I’m a controlling freak basically and she agrees and I’ve not heard from her since. Moral of the story is she’s too damaged from her upbringing I’m guessing and some people you just can’t change. She still messages me asking how I am but I’m sjust ignoring her except from anything baby related. I need to move on.

I know a lot of people questioned whether she’s pregnant, how stupid I was to get her pregnant (I agree) and if it’s mine. I’ve been to every scan so I know she’s pregnant, as for if it’s mine I’ve never suspected cheating but she’s a serial liar so I will be forcing a DNA test through the courts. I posted on a couple of different subs to make sure I wasn’t getting biased opinions. The above story is 100% true (I wish it wasn’t believe me) but my focus is now getting as far away as possible from her for my own sake.

was posted on May 1, 2024

After a couple of weeks or learning she was sleeping around on family members or friends sofas I allowed her back into the house given that she is pregnant. Around a month ago. Out of concern for the baby really given she’s now 8 months pregnant. Stupid on my part and I’m now going to explain why I regret it.

I’ve recently moved house (a couple of months ago) and she was involved in the packaging and unpacking whilst I was out. Mainly unpacking. I had a pretty large stack of cash in the drawer of a cabinet in living room. Around £400-500. This was a Christmas gift from my parents. During this time I also sold a lot of old furniture including a sofa which she begged and begged for me to sell it to her mother. I begrudgingly accepted this. She told me her mother had asked to borrow the money from her repeatedly to buy it from me and asked if she could pay a couple of weeks after she took it. No biggie, that’s fine I tell her.

Her mother collects the sofa, giving me £100 cash initially and tells me the rest will be with me in a week. A week comes round and she tells me it’ll be next month but she’s not happy as it’s collapsed and I need to come take a look. I tell her it was fine was she collected it and I’m not taking a look. Basically if you don’t want it I’ll collect it and sell it to someone who wants to pay. She tells me I’m not welcome in their house. My girlfriend (ex) told her there was nothing wrong with the sofa at all when it was collected and her mother tells her she’s also not welcome. My ex then flips it onto me telling me I’m controlling and she didn’t need to get involved to fall out with her family. I didn’t make her but I told her it showed where her priorities lie when she’s defending them and not wanting to get involved over them screwing me over. It was left at that.

Back to the money, I went to see where the money went and searched the entire house. It’s not there but everything that was unpacked was there, even pointless shit like a blown light bulb was packed and unpacked. I ask her where the money is and she immediately gets defensive. Tells me “it’s somewhere” and immediately I think “this is all the same answers as last time.”

It then dawned on me that the money I was gifted, was in £10 notes and the money I was part paid for my sofa was also in £10 notes so my suspicion is she’s stole my money for her to hand to her mother to pay me. I’ve basically paid myself minus what been taken. I confronted her and she replied “even if I did admit it to try and sort things I don’t care about you anymore anyway so I don’t need to.” Probably makes sense why she was trying to take a loan out roughly the same time she would’ve taken the money. So there we have it, I let her stop for a while and this is where it’s landed me. Her stealing again. Whilst I have no solid proof whatsoever it could only be her that took it and if everything else got unpacked then she’s certainly took it. Shes now threatening to out me to people for who I really am (a victim of theft I guess?) and she’ll tell everyone how awful I am and not to bother contacting her. I’ve thrown her back out again for the very last time and I’m just relieved. Not sad at all. Whilst I have no proof her reaction is all the proof I need. Now I’m forcing a DNA test at birth and will fight to make sure no child of mine is brought up in a family like hers. She is poison. People like her don’t change. They just take more.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

As OOP kicked her out, seems to have accepted his ex's true nature and will fight for his child (if it's his) we might hear again from him and therefore this post has been flaired as ongoing.

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