I am not The OOP, OOP is

Me [35M] with my wife [33F] of 9 years, wants to give up our daughters for adoption

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse and manipulation, verbal abuse, mental health issues, assualt, child neglect

  July 7, 2015

Using a throwaway because I'm pretty active in some other subs and don't want this associated with my main account.

My wife and I have been together since college and got married a little while after she graduated. When we first got together she told me she didn't really like kids and while I was a little disappointed, I didn't care too much about it. I didn't feel very strongly about it either way. We were very in love and things were perfect for a good while. Her birth control failed six years ago, and I told her that I would support whatever choice she made. She scheduled an abortion, but backed out the day before and we became loving and enthusiastic parents. Later on down the road, she decided she wanted another child and so we had our second daughter. They are five and three years old, and absolutely perfect. They are both very well behaved and ahead of the curve for kids their ages.

Another thing that's worth mentioning, my wife is a SAHM. My job is very demanding and I am out of town for weeklong stretches at a time once a month, and then 9-6 the rest of the month. I've had this schedule since we were married, basically. I make good money, in the low six figures, and we've never had any kind of financial struggles.

For the past few months, I've known something was up with my wife. She is obviously the primary caretaker of our daughters, but recently she's been completely hands off when I'm at home. I don't mind spending the extra time with my daughters taking care of them, but it's more than that. She will completely ignore them while I'm around. If they ask her for anything at all she tells them "go ask Daddy" and will go in our bedroom and lock the door to get away from them. I've been asking her if she's alright, and she had been insisting everything was fine until last night.

After we put the kids to bed, she came to me and sat me down at the table. She started talking about fun things we had done right after we got married, what a great adventure everything had been, just generally reminiscing. She was being sweet and funny and loving and my guard was down. She said "back before we had the girls, we could do anything we wanted. I wish we could go back to that." I asked her what she meant. After much prodding she admitted that she regretted having kids. I said that there were times where I felt overwhelmed too, but that I would always love our daughters. She got quiet. She mumbled something and I asked her to say it again. She yelled "I DON'T LOVE THEM" and then started sobbing.

I sat there with my mouth hanging open. She composed herself and then started talking again. She was saying how she had been looking into adoption agencies and foster care. She had contacted one agency already. She was making plans to give away my CHILDREN. I continued to listen, too dumbfounded to say a word, as she babbled on about how amazing it's going to be to have our lives back, how great our relationship will be when we don't have kids anymore.

I didn't know what to do. I let her talk herself out, and when she went to bed I went and got my babies, packed some things, and drove to my mother's house. I called in sick to work today. I told them I'd probably be out the rest of the week.

I have a ton of missed calls, voicemails, and texts from my wife. I haven't looked at any of them. I've spent the day talking to my mom about things and keeping the girls occupied. My mom doesn't know what to do either.

I'm thinking I have a couple of options: start calling lawyers or start calling mental health professionals. Maybe both. I don't know if she's having some kind of psychotic delusion or if she's just that awful of a person. I really don't want to go back home to her now. Ever. I'm thinking divorce is the best choice, but I can't take care of my kids on my own. What should my next move be? Should I try to call my wife?

   tl;dr: Wife went off the deep end, tells me she regrets having our daughters (3 and 5) and wants to give them up for adoption so we can go back to our old life. I do not know how to proceed, in any regard. Please help me figure out how to handle this.

EDIT: Additional Info

She's not at home all the time with them. They go to pre-k for six hours a day four days a week. My mom takes them pretty much every other weekend. She gets a lot of time to herself, even though it could be more, and on nights when I'm home she goes out with her friends often, and lately when I'm home she doesn't see the kids at all... It's still possible that she's overwhelmed, but she's not the isolated 'barefoot and pregnant' chained to the stove woman you're picturing here.

We've both always been pretty low libido, I would say we have sex once a week and we try to have a date night every other week (leaving the girls with my mother). We are very affectionate towards one another.

She graduated with an art degree. When we first got married she was working as a teacher, she taught english and art in a local high school. She hated it, and she quit when she was pregnant with our first. She has a "studio" in our house, basically an extra bedroom with all her art stuff in it that the kids aren't allowed in, and she paints when the kids are out of the house. She feels like her degree is useless, but told me she wasn't interested in going back to school.

We used to pay for a weekly maid service, but my wife decided she didn't want to spare the expense.

I'm just looking for input right now. Honestly I feel like her response to this situation was completely out of line and nearly unbelievable, and I'm not sure I want to continue a relationship with someone who considers giving away her kids before even asking for help. She has consistently denied that anything was wrong and apparently put up a front to make me think that she wasn't struggling.**

ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP

It's not like I forced her to have kids. She chose not to have an abortion, and she herself chose to have a second child. She approached me about it! She was so happy when I said yes, let's do it. She never asked for any help, she didn't let on that things weren't perfect until the last few months when I repeatedly asked her if things were okay. She bottled up her feelings until she was ready to give up our kids and was making REAL PLANS about it behind my back! Everybody's acting like I'm the bad guy here for working long hours, but it's not that simple.

Whatever direction things take, I absolutely will be hiring a nanny.

  July 9, 2015

Here's the OP. Tl;dr is that my wife, a SAHM with plenty of outlets and time away from the kids, told me she didn't love our daughters and casually mentioned that she was looking to adopt them out so that we could play newlyweds again. I was blown away and took my daughters to safety at my mother's house after my wife went to bed.

I second-guessed myself a little after the initial responses I was getting from my first post. I didn't expect anybody to side with my wife. I should have given more information from the start but I didn't realize all that stuff would be relevant. I thought that from the fact that she was trying to adopt out our kids without my knowledge people would realize that the issue was with her. (I'm not trying to say I'm perfect by any means, but I took a lot of unwarranted criticism.) Anyway, after I elaborated on our situation a little more, I got a ton of helpful advice and support! Thank you to everyone who commented, or sent me a pm. I took a lot of the advice to heart.

This update is going to be long. A lot of really crazy shit has happened.

I'm in the process of finding a live-in nanny now, and I appreciate everyone who suggested it. Yesterday I contacted a lawyer for advice, and then bit the bullet and called my wife. One of my close friends lives a few houses down, so I explained the situation and had him on standby. I left my daughters with my mom and came back to the house to meet with her.

She was absolutely furious. The first words out of her mouth were "Where the fuck have you been, you piece of shit?" When I got to the house, she berated me for leaving without saying a word to her or answering the phone. She accused me of cheating on her, called me a pig and an asshole, and ranted for a good fifteen minutes straight. She didn't say a word about the kids. Didn't ask me where they were, or if I had taken them. It's like she had forgotten they existed.

I cut her off, told her where I had been and that I had taken the girls to my mother's house. She seemed caught off guard. She asked me why. I explained to her that the way she had talked about adopting them out was not acceptable, and since she didn't care about them I didn't think they were safe around her.

She blinked, and said, word for word, "wait, you want to keep them? Don't you love me?" I lost it. I'm not proud of it but I couldn't hold it together, reddit. It devolved into a screaming fight with me telling her she was fucking insane and her yelling that I didn't love her. I went through the house and packed up all my valuables and personal documents with her screaming her head off at me the whole time. My friend came in to try and calm her down, but she threw a plate at him and told him to get the fuck out.

At this point I called the cops. She dug her hole deeper by punching one of the cops, and then biting the other once she was cuffed. I am now 100% certain that she's having some kind of psychotic break. She will be evaluated soon, but either way I'm going through with the divorce. I doubt I'll have any trouble getting full custody, especially with that call to the adoption agency on her phone records.

After my wife was arrested, I cleaned up the house and brought my daughters back home. They haven't asked where mommy is yet, but I don't know what to tell them when they do. I'm looking into taking a lower responsibility role at work, at least to where I'm not gone for a whole week at a time. I will still be heavily reliant on a nanny, but I can't stand the thought of my daughters not having a parent there to put them to bed every night.

tl;dr: Got a lawyer. Met with my wife. She thought I had cheated on her, basically didn't even realize the girls weren't home. When I told her I wasn't okay with adopting out our daughters, she accused me of not loving her, and then assaulted my friend when he came to help smooth things over. I called the cops, she got arrested, sucker punched one cop and bit another. I am divorcing her, seeking full custody, and dialing back my work schedule.

EDIT Growing up my father was a schizophrenic. I'm not interested in putting my daughters through what I went through. Even if she gets treatment, it will be a constant worry for me. If she had cancer, or some other illness, it wouldn't affect her love for our daughters. I wouldn't have to worry that she would murder them or abandon them or hurt them when I wasn't around. That's the difference.

EDIT 2 I called my mom and she said she told my daughters that their mommy had to go on a trip for a little while. That's why they haven't asked about her so far.

  Sept 20, 2015

Previous post tl;dr Met with my wife. didn't even realize the girls weren't home. She accused me of not loving her, then assaulted my friend. I called the cops, she got arrested, sucker punched one cop and bit another.

It's been a good while since my last update, but things are progressing so I figured I'd post something.

My wife has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She is undergoing extensive therapy and trying to work out her legal issues as well. I'm still not sure what direction that is going to take, my wife's parents have been helping her with legal arrangements as she refuses help from me, and didn't even want to use my insurance to help with her medical bills. (She ended up having to anyway, and I've been sending her parents money to help with paying what's left over). We mutually decided to go ahead with the divorce. She didn't want custody of our daughters, or even visitation. I practically begged her to at least come to their birthdays and holidays, but she said no. I'm hoping that it's a symptom of her illness and that once she progresses through her treatment enough she will change her mind, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

I found a wonderful au pair who is fantastic with my daughters. According to her, they're very self sufficient and don't need much help with keeping themselves entertained or anything really. I suspect my wife had been ignoring the girls even when I wasn't around.

They've been constantly asking me when mommy is coming back and I don't know what to tell them. I have to try really hard not to cry in front of them because I don't want them to worry about me. We've been going to family therapy together but still haven't found a way to explain that mommy might never come back, or she may show back up and not be nice, or she may show back up and be her old self again.

My friend (the one she threw a plate at) and his wife and kids have been hanging out at my place a lot to keep us all company. He's been a godsend throughout this whole experience. He decided not to press charges against my wife for the plate thing.

This will probably be my last update. The feedback I've gotten from you guys has really helped to ground me during these events. Even just getting validation that I'm not crazy helped. Thanks for everything, reddit.

tl;dr: Wife is sorting out her legal issues on her own by choice. Turns out she's bipolar, but after medication and therapy still doesn't want anything to do with our girls. I don't know how to explain things to them even in therapy, but my friend and his family have really been there for us during this hard time.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to and

Ex gf wants to place our baby for adoption, not sure that I can

Trigger Warnings: unwanted pregnancy, possible deadbeat parenting

- September 17, 2023

I’m 23. My ex-girlfriend is 20. We met in college. I’ve since graduated but she has 2 years left.

She’s 21 weeks pregnant and wants to put the baby up for adoption. She was around 14 weeks pregnant when she told me she was pregnant. We had already broken up 2 months before that and I honestly had no idea she was pregnant.

She said she needed space to make her own decision and that’s why she didn’t tell me.

From the moment she told me she was pregnant I told her I would support whatever decision she made. I respect that it’s her decision. I believe in a woman’s right to choose and all that.

I feel guilty that I got her pregnant. I’m internally panicking at the idea of a baby and the idea of being a father is wild and unreal to me right now. But when she told me she was planning to put the baby up for adoption it felt like a gut punch. She’s already connected with an adoption agency and looking at possible adoptive families.

In no way do I think she should be forced to be a parent. I would never want to contribute to that. I completely understand her reasoning. It’s just making me feel sick. She seems as content as she can be with the decision. She knows this is the “right” decision for her.

I don’t know if I can consent to it. I’ve started researching contested adoptions. I think it’s sort of crazy and I’d have to be willing and prepared to completely support and parent the baby on my own and be able to prove it. I feel guilty thinking about coming in and ruining all of her plans. Maybe it wouldn’t be fair to anyone for me to do that, but I’m becoming more uncomfortable with the idea of adoption every day. I’ve not told her how I feel because I know it took her a while to come to her decision and even though she feels it’s the right one it’s also a highly emotional thing for her.

I spend a lot of time trying to rationalize why adoption is the best thing for everyone.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

chelsea5532 Why don’t you ask her for sole custody, ask if she would be willing the waver all parental rights and you won’t ask for child support? That way you can both go your separate ways.

OOPOnce I make any sort of suggestion like that out loud I have to be 100% committed. It’s my understanding that the court system is extremely reluctant to terminate a parent’s right (and financial obligations), even if both parents agree to that arrangement. It’s not as simple as just signing away her rights.

Successful_Moment_91 If you’re not sure you can be the kind of dad you need to be you could opt for an open adoption where you have some rights to visit your child. An adoption lawyer could advise you more on this to see if it’s right for you

OOP Open adoptions are not guaranteed to remain open.

Sad-Atmosphere-8555 Then you’re already better than the guy they’re referring to. That guy basically thought he could force his girlfriend to change her mind or that she’d see the baby and build a life with him, and then was pikachu face shocked that she did exactly what she said she was gonna do and signed away her rights and left. He HATED being a single dad.

OOP I honestly don’t want to be in a relationship with her anymore and I wouldn’t resume our relationship just because a baby was in the picture. We have some different perspective and goals in life and although I like her, we should not be in a serious relationship with each other.

DrunkOnRedCordial So you are prepared to support her decision... except if she decides to adopt the baby out. You are prepared to legally contest her decision to adopt the baby out... but you are not prepared to request sole custody. Basically, you want her to raise the baby while you can be as involved as you want to be. Meanwhile, she doesn't want to be a single mother with a part-time dad in the background. It comes down to two options: Either you want to be a full-time dad or you support her decision to adopt the baby out.

OOPI am trying to support her adoption decision. I didn’t realize I’d have such a hard time with it. I’ve stated multiple times that I understand if I contest the adoption I will need to be prepared to take on full physical responsibility for the baby. I’m trying to determine if I can really do it or not. It’s not something you can just change your mind on later on when it get tough. Not asking her to raise the baby whatsoever. I don’t want to that to her and I’ve said that more than once.

OpinionApart1214 Why didn't she choose abortion? Was she coerced and or forced into keeping the pregnancy?

OOP Well I didn’t even find out she was pregnant until she was 14 weeks and by then had already ruled out abortion and was set on adoption. She told me she just couldn’t make the decision to get an abortion, she didn’t feel 100% about it so she couldn’t do it. I think there are some pretty strong anti-abortion views in her family and I’m sure she was heavily influenced/pressured by that.

chi_notshy he’s 23! he doesn’t have a good job! he’s just starting out. sometimes something is TOO crazy and IS the wrong decision! my perspective is that of growing up (and yes i do mean GROWING UP) around people who did have kids from 20-27 and it’s more than just hard and crazy. some part are actually impossible and others are super unfair- to the kids, to everyone involved.

OOPI have a decent job, with benefits that include paid parental leave, but I’m just starting out. I make $60k in an entry level job in my field. There’s definitely potential to make over $100k. I don’t live in an extremely high cost of living area.  

- September 22, 2023 (Five days later)

Posting this as an update because my original post received so many comments that it’s hard to really follow everything there anymore.

I was really surprised by how many people responded and honestly, the advice was all over the place and admittedly some of it got me pretty worked up. I think it really helped hearing some unbiased thoughts of my situation though.

There’s no huge update really. I’ve decided that just sitting here passively and not saying anything won’t get me anywhere.

My ex and I are in regular communication. We don’t talk every day but we text every few days. She told me she can’t find any adoptive parents that feel right yet. She really wants me to start looking at the stuff the adoption agency has sent. She asked if I had looked and I told her I skimmed some stuff but it doesn’t really make me feel good. That was my opening to tell her I’m really not sure how I feel about adoption and I’m having second thoughts regarding my own desire to parent my child or not. She asked me what I was really trying to say and I tried to communicate that I’m not saying she should keep the baby and be a parent right now, I understand why this is the best decision for her, but I’m not sure if it’s the best decision for me. She said “What? You’re going to be a single dad? Hahahaha.” I told her maybe, it’s not that crazy. She said it is crazy and “Don’t do this to me.” She basically feels like if I do that, even if I don’t hold it against her, she’s still legally the mom and suddenly she’ll be this horrible deadbeat parent who isn’t involved with her child at all. By placing the baby with another family, she breaks the legal ties and she doesn’t have to feel like she’s quite as shitty of a person.

Even my own mom is unsure of how to feel about what I’m considering it, but she would support me. She understands my feelings about not wanting my child to be raised by other people, but worries I’m biting off more than I can chew. She still support me 100%. She thinks it’s crazy but she also thinks I can do it if it’s what I want.I admittedly cried like a baby about it to my mom and in true mom fashion she thinks I need to “follow my heart.”

RELEVANT COMMENTS

chelsea5532 Picture what you want for your future 5 years from now, what does it look like?

OOP I didn’t originally picture having a 5 year old kid 5 years from now, but I have started to sort of be able to picture it. I always thought I’d like to be married and have kids in my early 30s. I’ve never really liked the idea of waiting until I was 40+ to start a family. Definitely thought there be a little more time before that happened but it doesn’t feel like the end of the world to me.

lynypixie There is the option of doing an open adoption, you know? You would still get to see your child grow and be a small part in it’s life, but won’t have the burden of raising it and screw your future.

OOP Yeah, I know about open adoption. It’s just not the same. They’re usually not legally enforceable, birth parents have absolutely no say in the way the child is raised and essentially just have to sit back and watch, and it doesn’t really mean that your birth child will ever actually know you. Maybe you’ll get to see them in person on the rare occasion, maybe not. I don’t really want to see my own child grow up in pictures. When I imagine that being my reality, I just hate it.

Thecrazytrainexpress By law, she can’t put the baby up for adoption if you don’t agree. That’s also your child, and a paternity test will also help you out with that. Please consult with a lawyer, request a paternity test that is court mandated and your lawyer will lead you in the right direction.

OOP I really want to request a prenatal paternity test, which I understand is not admissible in court, but so that I knew for sure before getting in too deep. She isn’t talking to me right now so that’s not happening right now. I do not think she’s lying about me being the father but this is the type of life changing thing where you really should have absolute proof.  

- September 29, 2023 (Seven days later)

Third update on my situation. Not sure if this many updates are allowed here, but I’ll take the risk.

I’m not going to recap it all here. You can check my previous posts on my profile if you want.

I’ve decided to pursue custody of my child and will not be consenting to an adoption. My ex gf may or may not still try to pursue adoption. There’s no way to know right now because she hasn’t talked to me since I told her I was uncomfortable with adoption and exploring my own options.

I have a consultation with a lawyer next week. In the meantime, I contacted the appropriate local county health departments.

I can add myself to the putative father registry in the current state she’s in. I’ve already downloaded the form and will get it notarized and sent off on Monday. This will do nothing to establish paternity, but will hopefully mean that I should be notified should she try to place our baby for adoption without informing me herself. The other state (the state she’s from and where her family lives) doesn’t have a putative father registry.

I’ll still need to establish paternity as soon as the baby is born. That is, if she even informs me when she gives birth. I’d really like to be there or be able to get there as soon as possible, but I really have no clue what she’s thinking or planning at this point. l that I have a pretty clear understanding of my options for establishing paternity and am hoping that by then she’ll be willing to sign an affidavit establishing me as the father. Otherwise, I’ll need to go through the courts.

In an ideal world, she’d agree to a prenatal paternity test. I do believe I’m the father but it would be nice to have that definitive assurance before I completely turn my life upside down for this. Since she’s not event talking to me currently, I can’t ask her for that right now. Maybe once she has a chance to process things, we’ll be able to talk about this more and she will cooperate. If not, I can’t force her to do anything and may have to wait for the test. She’s really stubborn so I can see her digging her heels in.

I’m leaving her alone right now but I will communicate my decision to her after I speak with a lawyer.

All of the comments on my previous posts really helped. The constructive criticism was needed. It gave me some important things to think about and questions to answer for myself. It did make me doubt myself, but ultimately the negative comments telling me not to do this or that I can’t do it only served to motivate me further.

She’s around 23 weeks now. It feels like her due date is still a long ways away, but now that she’s at the point of seriously looking at and interviewing potential adoptive families I felt like I couldn’t wait much longer to make a decision and move forward with it. Plus, it’s going to take me at least that long to figure out some of the logistics. I previously had no clue how expensive daycare is or that waitlists are often months or sometimes even more than a year long. I need to save money, start budgeting, maybe even considering moving slightly closer to family. I haven’t figured anything out beyond just making the decision, but that was probably one of the hardest parts.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DatelineDeli I say this with so much concern for your success - move closer to family. Along with keeping your child, it will be the best thing you can do for the two of you. Make sure and check out “buy nothing” groups on Facebook. Also cruise the free/for sale sections on nextdoor. Wishing you good luck.

OOP I think if we end up back here I will plan to move closer to my family. Not that I plan to make them raise my child. It’ll just be better to have that safety net if people a little closer.

But somebody else made a good point about not moving yet. If my ex decides she wants to be involved with the baby, I will have to be prepared to move to where she’s at. She lives a few states away. I’m not trying to force that on her, but I’m the back of my mind I know there’s a possibility that she could change her mind. I will not live stayed away from my kid and I’m not out to have full custody or keep her away if she does end up changing her mind. I think best thing for me to do will be to save the money so that I’m prepared if/when I should need to move - wherever that might be.  

- October 15, 2023 (almost 3 weeks later)

Some people in another sub recommended I post here.

I’m 23 years old and am going to become a single dad to a newborn baby girl around the end of January. At this point, the baby’s mom (my ex girlfriend) doesn’t really want to be involved at all.

The pregnancy was unplanned. We broke up when she was around 6 weeks pregnant. She says she didn’t even know she was pregnant yet at the time. She’s 20 and still in college. I graduate with my degree, was working remotely for a company for several months, and eventually relocated to where the company is based to take me closer to where home is for me, about 45 minutes from my family and where I grew up.

She was 14 weeks pregnant when she finally told me, and she announced that she was already pretty set on adoption at the time. She connected with an agency and was at the point of seriously looking at families and trying to involve me in the process. I did try to go along with it and convince myself that it was the best option, but eventually I had to admit that I really wasn’t comfortable with the idea at all. The further in the process she got the more sick I started to feel about it.

So that’s the short story of how I got here now, planning to be a single dad to a baby girl in less than 4 months, absolutely unprepared in every way. I have a full time job with benefits. I’m focused on creating a plan for childcare. But in the grand scheme of things I’m basically starting at

Legally, I’m covered. I’ve met with a lawyer and am covering my bases there. My ex is very mad at me for ruining her plans. She hates me. I’m not trying to ruin her life. I sympathize with how she feels and I understand why she chose adoption. I’m not trying to make her life more difficult than it needs to be.

I just need some practical advice to help prepare me here, to prepare me for the initial stages, how to survive. I have support from family and friends. None of my friends have kids and they all think I’m crazy but they respect my decision.  

- January 6, 2024 (3 months later)

My ex-girlfriend gave birth to my daughter on New Year’s Day and didn’t inform me until today. I’m so pissed off that she would do something like that to me. I had asked her to please let me know when she went into labor so I could do my best to get there asap. We broke up before she told me she was pregnant and we now live in different states.

My previous posts detail a lot of the backstory, but basically she wanted to place the baby for adoption and I ultimately decided that I wanted to keep the baby. She has maintained that she doesn’t want to be a parent and has not been planning to be involved. I have been preparing to be a single parent for the past several months, with the understanding that there was a chance that she might change her mind and want to be involved with our daughter. I told her no matter what, I wanted to be involved with raising my child and whether she changed her mind or not, I was going to be involved. Even after we broke up, our relationship was good for the first part of her pregnancy. We communicated regularly and she wanted to involve me in the adoption process and all of that. As soon as I told her that I wasn’t going to consent to an adoption she turned cold (and I get it - I ruined her plans). She has been giving me very brief updates, basically just to let me know everything was fine. We had one big long conversation and she seemed to accept my decision, even though she was still upset about it, and made me promise that I’d give our baby all of these things she really wanted her child to have in life. I thought things seemed good or better after that. She even told me where she was at over the holidays, in case something happened.

She already told me she didn’t want me in the delivery room and I didn’t fight that. I was disappointed at the idea that I wouldn’t see my daughter being born, but in the grand scheme of things it was something I could live with. She told me she’d tell me when she went to the hospital so I could prepare.

Today she sent me a picture and said our daughter was born on New Year’s Day. She wasn’t due until the end of January, but she is healthy and only spent one extra day in the hospital. The baby went home with my ex-gf and her parents. She said it’s only fair that she got a few days with her before I knew, since I’m taking our daughter away forever.

I’ve told her that if she changed her mind I would rearrange my life (job, home, etc.) because I’m not going to live states away from my child. She’s trying to act as if I’m the bad guy taking her baby away now.

I don’t feel prepared yet. I mean, I felt like there was nothing else I could do to prepare and it was just a waiting game, but now I feel like I really need the extra few weeks. I wish somebody could just knock me out with a sedative until my flight out there because I’m just buzzing like crazy with all the emotions. My mom was supposed to come with me, since I plan to stay there for a few days before traveling back home, but due to the unexpected timing my sister is coming with me.

I just have a bad feeling about how dealing with my ex will be moving forward. I have a lawyer and already have things in motion to protect myself and my daughter but I had just really hoped that things could be amicable between us. I feel like I’ve done nothing but try to be nice and understanding every step of the way.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ConvivialKat OP. She just grew a while human and pushed a baby the size of a watermelon out of her vagina unexpectedly early and you are pissed off that she just headed home with her suppport group when the hospital kicked her out? She's sore, possibly has stitches, is incredibly exhausted, hormonal, scared, and you're pissed because she didn't do things the way you wanted/expected? AND you feel gobsmacked because the timing of the birth is inconvenient to your schedule? Are you sure you are actually ready to be a Dad? Because your whining about how incovenient this all is for you is not a good sign for how you will deal with the inconveniences that come with a newborn.

OOP I’m not upset that she headed home with the baby. Where else would I expect her to go?

I’m upset that she’s told me repeatedly that she would inform me when she was in labor so I’d at least be aware. Instead, she informed me that our daughter was born nearly a week after the fact.

This has nothing to do with inconvenience. I don’t feel inconvenienced. I’m not upset that the baby is here now, it’s just very real and very anxiety inducing. I’m about to bring a newborn home and be a single parent for the foreseeable future. I chose that, but aren’t I still allowed a moment or two of panic now that it’s really about to happen?

I knew that the due date was just an estimate and things could happen sooner or later, but everyone kept telling me if anything the baby would probably come late. I guess I let myself take comfort in that, feeling like I still had more time. Realistically, I was never going to feel ready for this, even if I had two more years to prepare myself.

Previous-Sir5279 It may not be her responsibility but she said she would.

OOP It’s not her responsibility to inform me that our child was born, after she agreed to inform me? I had already moved before she told me she was pregnant. I have a job here. A job with benefits that I need to provide for my child. Even if I lived in the same town as her, we wouldn’t be living together so she’d still need to inform me. We were in communication prior to birth. We were in very regular, practically daily communication prior to when I decided against adoption. At that time she stopped talking to me at all for a while, but did eventually begin keeping me in the loop again, but not like before. I didn’t just sit there twiddling my thumbs, but I also wasn’t going to text and call her multiple times a day to check in, harassing her, when she clearly didn’t want to talk to me. Legally she was under no obligation to give me any information when she was pregnant.  

- February 3, 2024 (1 month later)

I’ve received many private messages asking me for an update and I’m sorry that I haven’t responded to most of them. I’ve had a lot going on and my hands full since meeting my newborn daughter last month.

I’ve only been at home with her for a few days and am still getting settled in here. During the second week of January my sister and I travelled out to where my ex-girlfriend lives and I met my newborn daughter for the first time. It was awkward to say the least, with her whole family staring at me and silently shooting daggers at me. I felt like a jerk, but had to remind myself that I’m not taking our daughter away from her mother. She is choosing to not be directly involved. I have told her that I understand if she changes her mind. I’ve left the door open for her. It’s just not a situation you really prepare for. I was so happy to meet my daughter and all of these people staring at me were so sad. So I sort of hung around there for a little while because it felt wrong to just take the baby and leave. I was waiting for a queue from my ex to indicate she was ready and eventually she told me to please leave, but that she would want to see her again before I left town. I rented an air bnb because I planned to be there for a few weeks.

Because I wasn’t able to be at the hospital within 72 hours of the birth to fill out all of the appropriate paperwork as originally planned, she and I had to go to the local health department to file a paternity affidavit. She willingly went and signed everything. The baby’s last name will now officially be changed to mine, but my ex picked out the first and middle names and I chose not to argue.

As far as custody goes, the paternity affidavit allowed us to agree to share joint legal custody. I had to submit to a court approved paternity test as part of that, no big deal. She does not actually want joint legal custody. She wants to give me full legal and physical custody, but the form only allows us to officially establish joint legal custody. She has full physical custody because that’s just how the law works there.

I was already aware that this would be the case and my lawyer is working on filing the appropriate forms in court to amend everything. We both want me to have physical custody since I will be the primary caregiver. I am opening a court case. I’ve explained the steps we have to take and she understands. This is how the process works there and even though we’re in agreement right now, nothing is legally enforceable until there is a court ruling. At this time, she’s in agreement and claims that she doesn’t plan to fight it. She just wants to get it over with. I told her that she may want to think about it, because it feels like she is just trying to rip the bandaid off as fast as she can right now. I know sharing legal custody could really backfire on me but I just want her to feel sure. I got the sense that she wasn’t sure but was just trying to follow through with a complete break.

I feel like I’m on thin ice right now. All I have is a signed, notarized letter of consent to take my daughter out of state, so I’m anxious to get all official legal proceedings done. I don’t think I’ll be able to relax fully until then.

The baby herself? She’s perfect. She’s so small. Everyone warned me not to get too many newborn size clothes because she’d grow out so quickly, but the newborn clothes are still a little big. I think her features are becoming more noticeable now, but the only trace of me that I sort of see is her eyes. I look at her and it’s like my heart just wants to explode. She’s the tiniest, cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life and this is my kid? It still doesn’t feel real. I’m still getting used to saying “my daughter” out loud when I have to call to make appointments. I think she has colic. During the early part of the day she seems happy and able to nap and doesn’t cry a ton, but around dinner time she starts screaming and will cry almost nonstop for hours. She spews vomit like you wouldn’t believe. The only thing that semi soothes her is being out in the stroller and rolled back and forth over and over. She was just switched over to a special formula but I think it’s too soon to know if it’ll make a difference. I had colic too apparently.

A year ago, I never would have imagined any of this. It almost feels like I’m watching somebody else from the outside.  

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not OOP. This was originally shared by on .

—-

published on March 22, 2022.

I, 28f, am currently 19 weeks pregnant. My partner, 29M, and I are very excited, as this is our first baby and we have been trying for a few months.

We announced the pregnancy a month ago at a dinner party we hosted, and everyone seemed surprised and overjoyed. My sister, 35f, who I will call K, immediately burst into tears and asked me how I could do this to her. I stared at her, and asked “What?” She started ranting, saying that I always got everything I wanted (which is not true, I worked hard for all that I have) and that she knew I got pregnant just so I could rub her infertility in her face.

She screamed at me for 5 minutes about how I didn’t deserve to be a mother and she should be the one pregnant right now. My parents left with her soon after, and the party was basically over. I was really disturbed by my sister's reaction, because we had been pretty close before, and she had never done anything like this.

K called me the next day, apologizing for how she acted at my announcement and asked if we could meet up for coffee. I accepted. We met up and she pretended as nothing had happened. Then she started a big speech about her infertility, how heartbreaking it is to be growing life inside of her, just to lose it, and how she had always wanted children of her own. She then proceeded to ask me if I could consider getting an abortion, to make things “fair”, or letting her adopt my baby. I stared at her and asked if she was serious. K said she was. I just dropped my part of the bill on the table and left.

L (K’s husband) texted me a rant that night about how I’d made K cry, and how all they wanted was to be parents, and that this meant so much to them, and I “owed” them for being more successful than them. I and my partner invested many years into our jobs, and we have worked very hard to earn what we earn now. I told them that my partner and I had been hoping for kids too and that I was not giving up my baby. He hung up.

She later sent me a long letter (4 pages) about how she had always wanted to be a mother, and could I consider either abortion or letting her adopt my baby, how I should care about my older sister's happiness, how she would make a better mum, how the oldest kid should have the first grandchild, and how I could always just have another baby since it was "so easy for me to conceive".

After that, she quieted down some, and I thought we were done with this. Except... it wasn't. She had posted MY SONOGRAM on her FB, and captioned it “L and I are expecting! We can’t wait to meet our little princess!”

I was seeing red. I texted her and demanded she takes the post down. No reply. I texted L. No reply. So I called my mother and told her what happened. She was able to make K take the post down, luckily enough. K has called me petty for calling my mum and has continued to demand I give up my baby. I sent her a letter explaining that I had had enough of her nonsense, I AM keeping my baby, and that I recommend she get some help. I added that if she continues, I will not hesitate to call 999.

This weekend, however, was the absolute last straw. My mum and dad have the spare key to my house, and while she was over at their house for brunch, she took the key. While my partner and I were at work, she broke into our house and stole all the clothing, blankets, nappies, bottles, and pretty much any other item we had bought for the baby, except furniture. It was later returned after my mum found it in her car. I called 999, but they told me I couldn't do anything because I had no proof and because it was all returned.

My partner and I are moving in April, but I'm still scared my sister will find out where we live and take my child. I get that she's upset and jealous, due to her infertility, but that shouldn't mean I have to give up my baby. My parents know about this, and they have been doing their best to get her some help. She doesn't want to adopt, because she wants a child that's her own flesh and blood. I'm due in August, and the stress she's causing cannot and will not be good for me or the baby. My partner is looking into a cease-and-desist letter. Is there anything else I should do or say? I'm scared for my baby.

—- added as an edit 6 days later.

The support I've received from this website is overwhelming! Thank you all for your comments, although I couldn't reply to all of them, they are appreciated! We have had the locks changed, cameras installed, and a Ring doorbell. I've started saving every letter and screenshotting every message my sister has sent and plan to take them to court for a restraining order very soon. We have also been seriously documenting everything.

My husband and I are planning a trip to Ireland for our anniversary next week, and it's going to be good to clear our heads from my sister. I've called 999 to report her for harassment, and they gave her a warning. She's contacted me saying that if I won't give her my child, I can at least pay for multiple rounds of IVF, which I have not replied to other than refusing. She's been begging my parents to convince me to give up my baby, which they refuse to do. They have also been given a statement that basically says that if they give her my contact information, they will not see my baby, to which they have agreed.

I've since changed my phone number, and we are moving very soon. My sister does not know our new address. She actually stood on our stoop for 20 minutes a few days ago, banging on our door, and yelling. My husband opened a window and told her that if she didn't leave, he would let the dog out, and threatened to call the police. We have a rather small, but hyper puppy who jumps on everyone and barks a lot, and she is quite scared of dogs, actually, so this made her leave. I started working from home last week, as did my husband, and we've followed the advice of one of the comments, washed all of the baby stuff, as well as made sure none of the food in our kitchen was messed with (none was, luckily).

We're planning on getting a restraining order as soon as possible, and are looking forward to our trip! I'm already sick of being pregnant, and I'm not even in the third trimester. I just want my baby. Thank you all again for your wonderful advice, and I may update you again when the baby is born.

—-

REMINDER: I am not OOP.

This is a repost subreddit. I am not the OP of these posts. These posts were written by in 2016 and 2017. DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP.

Filler fact for mobile readers: Wolverines are mainly scavengers but they have been known to hunt everything from squirrels to adult moose, eagles and bears, and sometimes snack on wolf cubs. In the winter they store their food by burying it in frozen ground. They're hard to catch for research/tagging since they can claw through the solid log-cabin traps that scientists set for them.

Mood spoiler: infuriating but the best outcome for the child

Trigger warnings: child abandonment, adoption, post-partum depression, emotional neglect

Content/mention warnings: pregnancy, vomiting

: September 25 2016 on

Me [35 M] with my wife [33 F] of eight years, I'm worried she's not very interested in our daughter [2 mo]

Post was removed and is unrecoverable. Contents are probably similar to post 2.

: September 25 2016 on

Me (35 M) with my wife (33 F), I'm worried she's not very interested in our daughter (2 mo)

Like the title says, my wife, Catherine, and I have been married for eight years. We dated for three years before that in college and have had our ups and downs like every couple. We're both workaholics, very stubborn, and used to getting our way, which can cause problems if we’re not careful. Over time we’ve learned when it’s best to agree to disagree, and when we really need to sit down and talk things out. Unfortunately, I'm really not sure which we need to do this time.

Two months ago, Catherine gave birth to our daughter, Elizabeth. It was an easy pregnancy other than the vomiting in the first few months. Catherine was able to work up to the week before her due date, which was one of those things we agreed to disagree on. She works in a lab, so I had safety concerns, but she did raise practical reasons for staying as long as she did.

Another thing we agreed to disagree on was maternity leave. I wanted her to at least take the full six weeks off because I figured she would be exhausted. I had accumulated enough paid time off that I could be home as well, so we could work together to really learn Elizabeth and what she needed. She went back after two weeks, which was more of a compromise than I expected but less than I hoped for.

I'd say we work really hard to split taking care of Elizabeth fairly equally. We decided together not to do breastfeeding; with her job it just wasn't practical, and she didn't seem keen on the idea anyway. Every other day we alternate who wakes up for nighttime feedings. I go into work later than her so I take morning duty, but she gets home earlier than I do so she takes evening duty. During the day, Elizabeth stays with my MIL, who lives with us.

When we're both home we share the workload, and that's where the problem comes in. I've noticed that unless Elizabeth is in active need of something (feeding, changing, a bath) or crying, Catherine really doesn't have anything to do with her. Even if she is crying, unless it's for a real reason (like being hungry or wet), Catherine doesn't do anything to soothe her.

I know that babies sometimes cry for no reason, and that picking Elizabeth up every time she cries could reinforce the crying, shouldn't she at least pick her up and soothe her a bit? Plus, even when she's not crying, Catherine doesn't interact with her. I've seen her reading more than once while holding her, which I guess is fine but it just seems... off?

I can't help compare her approach to my own (which is definitely more interactive/doting), or even my MIL's approach (which involves constant talking to Elizabeth, very affectionate). I wonder if this is just a difference in parenting style or if it's something I need to be concerned about now - and if it is a concern, how do I bring it up in a way that doesn't end with us agreeing to disagree?

tl;dr: My wife doesn't seem very interested in our daughter of 2 months. Is this just a difference in parenting styles or should I be concerned? If it is a concern, how do I bring it up?

: November 9 2016 on

[Update] Me (35 M) with my wife (33 F), I'm worried she's not very interested in our daughter (2 mo)

Post was removed and is not recoverable. From the context of the comments and post 4, OOP probably states that they have decided to give their daughter up for adoption.

: November 13 2016 on

[KY] Laws surrounding giving child up for adoption

I will be consulting a lawyer this week, but prefer to go in with some idea of what to expect.

My wife and I wish to place our 3 month old daughter up for adoption. Are there any laws that could impact this process? Could members of our family file against our decision to adopt out? How long can we expect the entire process to take?

: December 14 2015 on

[KY][UPDATE] Laws surrounding giving child up for adoption

Some of you may have seen my posts (, ), or reactions to my posts (1 - link removed), 2 - link removed, , ), previously. I must express genuine surprise at the responses my family's story generated. I expected some controversy because such seems to be the nature of things when it comes to decisions regarding parenting. The sheer amount of feedback, however, was unanticipated.

Such feedback, however, is why I make this post. It was brought to my attention some time ago that my family's story might be of some interest to those of this board. I suspect this is because it contradicts the common narrative "It's different when it's yours" and asserts that not "everyone" is "supposed" to have children.

First, a summary. My wife [33] and I [35] had a planned child, our daughter, now 4 months. I first expressed concern when I noticed my wife did not engage with our daughter is the same way I or my MIL did. There were multiple reasons behind this, including my wife's personal beliefs about child-rearing and her expectations of what child-rearing would consist of.

We decided as a team that adoption was our most reasonable option, but could not settle on in- or out-of-family adoption. Seeking advice from Reddit did little to clarify this issue for us, and resulted in a broader online discussion.

Now, the update. My wife broke the news to my MIL of our decision to adopt just prior to Thanksgiving. She reacted poorly, which is to be expected, and with a great deal of yelling. This did not endear her to my wife, who finds yelling annoying, but attempts to placate the yelling resulted in more yelling. In short, my MIL first blamed her deceased ex-husband for my wife "turning out like this" and then myself for our decision. I was called a number of names, learned that my MIL had disapproved of me from the start of the relationship, and otherwise trashed.

It went on to the point that Catherine eventually threatened to ensure my MIL never saw our daughter again if she would not be reasonable. That quieted my MIL enough for my wife to layout how the upcoming months would go. Our daughter was going up for adoption; this was non-negotiable. My MIL, having assisted in her care, could take custody if she so wished. My SIL would be a permissible alternate. Otherwise, we would pursue outside arrangements. As many predicted, my MIL opted to assume custody herself and we started that process after Thanksgiving.

The night of the argument, my MIL took Elizabeth and stayed at a hotel. We offered to pay expenses until such a time that my MIL had proper housing, but the offer was not well received. Shortly thereafter, my SIL called; in the end, she threatened to call the police if we attended the family Thanksgiving. I took my wife out to dinner for the holiday instead. I assume the same threat applies for the Christmas holiday as well, but cannot say for certain. Communication from MIL/SIL has been sparse since MIL left. From what we know, she and Elizabeth are staying with my SIL for the time being.

Moving forward, we are cooperating as much as possible to ensure the transition of legal custody over Elizabeth goes smoothly. MIL has thus far refused any and all offers of financial aid, but we are prepared to pay child support if/when the time arrives.

: November 1 2017 on

[KY][UPDATE W/ NEW CONCERNS] Laws surrounding giving child up for adoption

Almost a year ago, my wife and I reached a mutual decision to transition full care of our daughter to my MIL. This was after the unfortunate realization that we as a couple were not in a position where we could effectively parent. We considered non-relative adoption, but MIL was very insistent she assume custody.

At the time, we offered financial aid and assistance; this offer has always been on the table. MIL refused. Since then, MIL has left the state with our daughter to stay with my SIL. Attempts to contact either of them have been unsuccessful, and they have not contacted us in return beyond a few unpleasant phone calls from SIL.

That said, I recently was approached by someone from child services. Someone has reported us for child abandonment. From my understanding of the law, this has the potential to be a felony charge. It would devastate our entire lives and careers if we are found guilty; there would be no bouncing back.

I suspect it may be someone on my wife's side of the family, as they are the only people with the motive to report us. However, could it not be argued that by denying us any contact and taking her out of state my in-laws have kidnapped my daughter? After all, it is not as though we left her on some stranger's doorstep; we put her in the care of someone who was happy to have her.

I'm waiting to get into my lawyer's office, but any outside advice on this matter would be appreciated.

Tl;dr: My in-laws would argue that we abandoned our daughter. I would counter that when it comes down to the facts they kidnapped her. Do either of us have a case?

I have marked this as inconclusive since the custody issues haven't been settled and OOP has not posted or left comments since making his last post.

***********

FAQ: Selected Comments

Who wanted to have the child?

: "We both discussed it earlier in our relationship as a possibility, but my wife more recently approached me with the idea of having a child. It seemed a reasonable step in our relationship at the time. We are both successful professionally and financially, and seemed in a good place to start a family.

I suspect my wife felt some pressure from her family, especially my MIL, to start a family, especially since my SIL has a few children. I cannot say for certain, however, as I had no reason until after the fact to question whether my wife's decision was influenced by those beyond our relationship."

Has your wife been screened for post-partum depression?

: "If she had PPD, or any other form of depression, her behavior would have changed when compared to how she was prior to the pregnancy. It has not. In fact, she has more or less been this way the entire time I have known her.

Thus, we can conclude she either always been depressed and this is just another manifestation of depression (which seems unlikely given she does not fit any of the symptoms for depression, or we can conclude she does not have PPD, or any other type of depression."

Have you considered therapy?

: "Counseling isn't something either of us is interested in. I've had negative experiences with it in the past, and Catherine thinks it's silly."

Why are you choosing your wife over your child?

: "I can remember life without my daughter. I struggle to remember life without my wife. I love my daughter, don't get me wrong, and adopting her out would be no easy feat. But keeping her could make my wife miserable - is, actually, making her miserable. What I want ultimately is whatever is best for Catherine and for Elizabeth, and I honestly think this may be the best option for everyone."

: "The only thing I am certain of is my relationship with my wife. Nothing she did or said could ever change that, nor could any challenges we face."

Why do you want to place your child with strangers instead of with her extended family?

: "Someone brought up the issue of family holidays, and the potential stress for Elizabeth should we be there. Also, in-family adoption would require everyone involved to keep Elizabeth's true parentage a secret, which with more consideration seems unlikely. I believe the argument was that even if such a secret were possible, if Elizabeth were to find out it could damage her relationship with her then-parents."

: "Honestly, at this point, I am not certain which option would be best for Elizabeth. I have seen reasonable arguments made in favor of in- and out-of-family adoption, and if in-family adoption truly would be the best neither Catherine or I would fight it."

Do you actually love your daughter?

: "...I have known [my daughter] only for a few months. The depth of love I have for my daughter is incomparable to the depth of love I have for my wife."

The OOP left across all of his posts.

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

***********

Editor note: This is a memorable story that spans a few subreddits but will never be forgotten on and . As far as I can tell it's never been posted on this subreddit before. Please let me know if there are any issues with the post since this is my first submission.

Originally posted by on . Her account has since been deleted, and was recovered using rareddit. Many thanks to for being the one who actually found the post.

My sister had a second child and we were all thrilled for her. She lives a few states over and we haven't seen her this last year. She had one child 2 years ago with her bf and the other one was born last month.

Yesterday we had a family zoom meeting to see the baby and to say hi to my other nibbling. We get on, family starts to load in. Everyone is basically there thrilled to see the baby. We get to meet her new baby boy. After a bit I asked to see my niece as well.

My sister got quite and very quietly said she doesn't have her. My aunt questioned this and I was also confused. After a few minutes my sister said that in the beginning of January she put her daughter up for a closed adoption because she couldn't care for two kids.

Everyone lost it. The whole zoom was a mess. We didn't know. We never got to say goodbye. She didn't have to do this because any one of us would have taken my niece. Fuck, I could have taken her.. Ive had multiple miscarriages/fertility issues and although I am currently pregnant I am stable, owning a home, and have the resources to have taken a toddler as well as have my baby. Important: My sister has always also said she wanted to be a boy mom.

I lost it. I called my sister a narcissistic cunt. I asked her when she'd get bored of the new baby and get rid of that one too. I asked her how the hell she could do this without reaching out to family. I know my sister and I know deep down she just didn't want a daughter. She was depressed when she found out she was having a girl but thrilled for this entire recent pregnancy. I called her a monster for making children she didn't want to care for, like they were a novelty. I said some other things too.

At this point, my grandmother is a complete mess and says her chest hurts so I stop. My aunt who is with my grandmother goes to help her and turns off the camera. My grandmother ended up having a panic attack that they thought was a heart attack at first. I am so glad she is okay.

My sister has since cut off all contact from the entire family. My father is pissed at me for blowing up (I was the only one who did) and says that I pushed her away. He said he could have tried to convince her to reverse it but my verbal lashing completely ruined any chance of getting my niece back. I don't think he understands what a close adoption means. Also, adoption takes a minute so for her to have it completed by January makes me feel this process was in place for a minute. I don't think there's any chance of seeing my niece again when the mother and father both signed her to be adopted. He's mad at me because now he lost his grand daughter and is afraid he'll never know his grandson.

My dad things I'm an ass for freaking out and "nearly giving my grandmother a heart attack." I'm feeling guilty that my grandmother had such an extreme reaction but I feel that's more because she lost her great grand daughter

Edit to update: I've contacted local CPS for my sisters area, local courts, and I have a lawyer looking into it for me (starting tomorrow as I just obtained him).

Thank you for the helpful comments pointing out the issues with this. Especially thank you to those in social work who reached out to me privately. I didnt realize how many options I had to fight this or to see if it was legit. I'll update when I find more out from the lawyer.

Lots of people commenting this is fake; I really wish it was. This has been a nightmare. Thank you again to those with helpful suggestions and feedback.

**Final Update:**I am pursuing legal custody and due to this I will not be providing any more updates. My lawyer recommended this. The kids come first. I can say a few things.

1. They found her. The adoption process started a year ago in silence as a "private rehoming." It was explained to me that we could fight it as they skipped steps in the process.

2. My sister told them she had no family/ the family she does have is abusive. There was abuse on our mothers side but they are long dead now.

3. Theres an open investigation into my sister already for her son because of the way she surrendered custody of her daughter.

4. I'm going to temporarily move into an apartment in that area so I am close by incase CPS takes custody of my nephew. It was explained that this was the only way I could actively fight for custody -- by being available and close.

Thanks to , it turns out there may be some kind of an update to this mess. She made the following post:

:

Im unsure how to react to this new information.

I am 6 months pregnant with my first after multiple losses. My MIL just informed my husband that she wouldn't be getting anything for us for the baby shower because she's setting up her own nursery. She's using his old crib, which my husband originally thought we would get. (I'm fine with not getting his old crib, I'd rather buy a new one.)

We may be getting custody of my sisters children as well and MIL made it clear they wouldn't be welcome but she had room for my future child. She sent pictures and her nursery is almost completed while we didn't start ours. Honestly, it's gorgeous. We just bought a house and we are saving for the possibility of taking my sisters children. We aren't going all out on a nursery, we are being frugal and mindful with it. Meanwhile she clearly spent thousands of dollars already.

It's just so odd that she's doing a full blown nursery. I'm a bit confused to why she's doing this. She doesn't talk to me much so she doesn't know I plan on exclusively breast feeding for a bit and attachment bonding. Frankly, I don't think my child would be spending the nights till after 6 months.

I'm unsure how to react to this.

OOP also stated in the comments:

Assuming your sisters' kids might be in your custody, they'd be raised as, or nearly as, siblings correct? Imagine how "grandma" wants the one but the other ones can't come over! That plus you are going to be attaching to your own LO via breastfeeding and all that. She can't breastfeed for you nor are there plans to enable her. (If you do choose to put your LO on formula, that's not necessarily bad, I just wouldn't tell her). Blended families are always complicated and her cutting out these other kids shows she's not up to blended family. Which is the way that yours is.

Yes, chances are we will be getting full time custody. I'm not okay with how she's been treating the expansion of our family. She's a first time grandmother as well and she's already rejecting the other two kids we will have. I don't want them growing up thinking they are less then the youngest child simply because of who birthed who. I want them to feel equally loved and respected. I'm going to bring that up to my husband as a major concern.

For months, I’ve been getting recommended TikToks like that seem to be discouraging adoption. It’s not just one person, but it seems to be a growing movement against all forms of adoption.

They claim “adoption is trauma,” and seem to prefer that children would be raised in the foster system.

I’ve tried to inform myself more, but frustratingly they often respond to questions with sentiments like “you don’t get it,” or “you could never understand.”

This has all been deeply concerning and frightening to me because I myself was adopted. When I mention this to these people, they seem to become more closed off to me?

Is there something actually deeply wrong with the adoption system? Did my parents somehow do something wrong? Or is it some kind of weird qanon thing where they’ve invented a problem to be mad about?

Edit: I’m so glad I made this post. I’ve received hundreds of comments which helped educate me, and now I know a lot more about the world. To anybody curious, I really recommend scrolling through the conversation, but I’ll try to summarize.

The original TikTok was doing a pretty bad job of presenting the issue, which was that adoption is a flawed system. Although not inherently bad, and certainly not deserving of being banned, there are many people who have valid stories of being failed by the system.

By saying “adoption is trauma,” they don’t mean that “adoption itself is inherently traumatic,” but instead that “adoption can result in trauma and we need to recognize that instead of ignoring or shaming it.”

By highlighting stories where someone has been done bad by the adoption system of the U.S., or other countries, we can improve the system for all and provide support to those who need it.

Additionally, this also goes hand in hand with the debate on adoption rights because many have presented adoption as an alternative to abortion, but that doesn’t automatically solve all the problems that come with banning abortion. In fact, it can create new problems, such as overwhelming the foster system.

Reminder that I am NOT OP, this is a repost. Originally posted in starting in 2016. I’ve made some small formatting changes for readability.

Mood Spoiler: Happy but controversial ending for OOP

———

Posted November 2016

Girlfriend just broke up with me. She's three months pregnant and told me that she wants to give up the baby for adoption and "there's nothing I can do". She's 19 I'm 20.

I want to be the father to this child and if she doesn't want the baby it's fine for her but I do want the baby. Can she do it without my consent? What are my rights here?

We're at Houston, Texas.

Top Comments:

Texas (and other states) has a putative father registry to protect parental rights of a father when a mother is attempting to adopt out a child -

The Notice of Intent to Claim Paternity form is used to add the father's name to the state paternity registry maintained by theTexas Vital Statistics Unit. The purpose of the paternity registry is to "protect the parental rights of fathers who affirmatively assume responsibility for children they may have fathered, and expedite adoptions of children whose biological fathers are unwilling to assume responsibility for their children by registering with the registry or otherwise acknowledging their children." [FC Chapter 160, SUBCHAPTER E]

The form is used in situations where the father and mother do not have a continuing relationship and the man is not listed as a presumed father on the birth certificate or Acknowledgment of paternity.

The form can be found here:

This is what the Texas attorney general says about your specific situation:

”I am not married to the woman who is pregnant with my child. Could someone else adopt the baby without my permission?”

”Yes. Texas law requires unmarried fathers to act very quickly to avoid losing their parental rights. If a man thinks his child is going to be placed for adoption, he can register with the State’s Registry of Paternity through the Department of State Health Services. A father can register before the baby is born but no later than 31 days after the birth of the child. There is no charge for registering with the Paternity Registry. For more information, call Paternity Registry at (888) 963-7111 extension 7782.”

OP’s Response:

I'll do this on Monday. Thanks man.

Posted July 2017

Short version: I'm sitting here and my baby daughter is right here next to me, taking a nap!

Long version:

If you remember, I asked about how I should go about stopping my then-pregnant ex from leaving the baby for adoption. I listened to the suggestions. Got a lawyer. Put myself on the registry as well.

She really wanted to fight me over this right until the last month of the pregnancy. I was fully ready to fight her legally to get my rights as the father. But in the final month she changed her mind and decided that give me full custody instead of giving up the child for adoption. So we had no messy legal right over it.

The childbirth and custody situation went very smoothly. My lawyer took care of it quickly and my ex made it easy as well. Her family didn't like this, but they couldn't do anything about it in the end.

So I have my baby daughter!

Taking care of my baby is difficult but certainly worth it. I feel like I have something to live for! My family has been super helpful and with their help we can make sure my daughter is happy. I also got a promotion at work. I realized that I need to be more ambitious because I now have a baby to provide for. A higher position was open at my work and I asked for the promotion but they told me I'm too young. I offered to do the job for as a trial 1 month without any extra pay only to prove that I can do it. After a month they gave me the job!

As most of you suggested (and my lawyer did too), I had my lawyer file for child support after I had full custody. My ex didn't like it and wasn't expecting it. She actually called me names and various insults and all of that. But I didn't say anything, just that communications should go through my lawyer. She said she regrets making it easy for me to get the baby. I don't know. I didn't need the child support payments for daily care of my daughter but I think she deserves to have something saved up for the future and for her college. I didn't have the chance to go to college (not smart enough, I'm not good at studying) but I want to make sure my daughter has the chance! My sister in law is helping me setup a 529 plan with vanguard and I think I'll send most of the child support payments there once I start receiving them.

Thank you all.

———

Reminder that I am NOT OP, this is a repost. OP’s last comment was 5 years ago on his original post & the account has been inactive since his update, so I’m marking this as concluded. Personally I was happy to read the update, I’m glad OP got his daughter. Seems to be a happy ending for that little girl. I expect this will be controversial regarding the child support, but I urge you to think about how you would feel if the genders were reversed. Ultimately this is about the child & what’s best for her.

EDIT: REMINDER THAT I AM NOT OP. PLEASE STOP COMING AT ME WITH THREATS & INSULTS. THIS IS A REPOST.

EDIT: Post is locked since you guys couldn’t stay sane about this. Here’s a since so many of you are upset about the child support.

I’m 23. My ex-girlfriend is 20. We met in college. I’ve since graduated but she has 2 years left.

She’s 21 weeks pregnant and wants to put the baby up for adoption. She was around 14 weeks pregnant when she told me she was pregnant. We had already broken up 2 months before that and I honestly had no idea she was pregnant.

She said she needed space to make her own decision and that’s why she didn’t tell me.

From the moment she told me she was pregnant I told her I would support whatever decision she made. I respect that it’s her decision. I believe in a woman’s right to choose and all that.

I feel guilty that I got her pregnant. I’m internally panicking at the idea of a baby and the idea of being a father is wild and unreal to me right now. But when she told me she was planning to put the baby up for adoption it felt like a gut punch. She’s already connected with an adoption agency and looking at possible adoptive families.

In no way do I think she should be forced to be a parent. I would never want to contribute to that. I completely understand her reasoning. It’s just making me feel sick. She seems as content as she can be with the decision. She knows this is the “right” decision for her.

I don’t know if I can consent to it. I’ve started researching contested adoptions. I think it’s sort of crazy and I’d have to be willing and prepared to completely support and parent the baby on my own and be able to prove it. I feel guilty thinking about coming in and ruining all of her plans. Maybe it wouldn’t be fair to anyone for me to do that, but I’m becoming more uncomfortable with the idea of adoption every day. I’ve not told her how I feel because I know it took her a while to come to her decision and even though she feels it’s the right one it’s also a highly emotional thing for her.

I spend a lot of time trying to rationalize why adoption is the best thing for everyone.

I am NOT OP. Original post by in

This was previously posted here over a year ago.

- 17/05/19

Throwaway for privacy reasons.

Here goes. 14 years ago I was married and we had a baby boy. At that time I was not in a good place at all. I had serious mental health issues due to things that happened during my childhood, which led to deep depression which I left untreated for a long time.

I was a mess, I did drugs sometimes, I was unable to take care of myself, even less of a child, even if I loved him a huge lot. I was unable to connect to people and to be a good father because of my poor mental health. I had also anger issues and hated myself with a passion. I was unable to keep a job and had no stable income even though I have skills.

My wife tried to help but at some point it was too much and she left with the child. We had a divorce when my son was about 2, and she got full custody, which I'm first to admit was the right thing for the kid. I would never have abused him but I wasn't able to supervise him properly and offer him the emotional stability a child needs.

Soon after she left my ex-wife met someone and moved in with him, then they got married. I know him a little and he's a good, stable person. I knew my kid was in a good home so it was fine. I didn't really try to see him often at the time because I was too busy spiraling, moreover I didn't think it would be good for him, which I now understand was probably not true but at the time I wasn't able to make sound decisions. I paid some child support, not much because of my low income, but I always made the payments I was required to.

Then an incident happened: my ex-wife agreed to meet me in a bar because I wanted to talk to her, and when we were there I got frustrated at how the discussion went, I yelled at her, got mad at a man who tried to intervene and ended up outside fighting with him, which terrified my ex-wife. In the end the guy had pity on me because he saw what a sorry mess I was and let it go. However that was it for my ex-wife and she said she never wanted me around anymore because I was dangerous (her father had anger management issues too so she didn't want to go through this again), and she got a restraining order against me, which I respected. She told me she would never let me near our child for fear I would hurt him. I never would but I understand how she could come to this conclusion after I had been verbally violent with her. Anyway I was sure that I would soon be dead so I just gave up and I didn't really try and see my son after that.

Soon thereafter I was persuaded to relinquish my parental rights so his stepfather could adopt him. I thought he was young enough to forget me and he now had a good family. It hurt a lot doing this but I was convinced it was the right thing to do for him. I felt completely worthless at the time so I thought it was all for the better , and I got completely out of his life.

However time passed and after years of misery and struggling and wanting to die I finally received help and support and somehow got my shit together. I dealt with my suffering and turned my life around in a way I would never have thought possible, and I've changed for the better. All this time it hurt a lot to be without my kid even if I knew he was in a safe place. Knowing he was there somewhere has been one of the motivators for climbing out of the hole.

I still miss him terribly, and I wonder how he's doing, what he's up to, what his life is like. I want him to know I'm there for him if he wants me. I'm not even sure if he knows about me, I'm aware contacting him could be very upsetting and I don't want to do this to him or his family. So I'd like to ask his mother what she thinks about it (and I'm prepared to be told no), and what she told him about me, but I'm not supposed to contact her because of the restraining order. I don't want to do anything illegal, moreover I have a good job now and would risk being fired if I did.

I'm lost and don't know what to do. I know it's my fault if I didn't have any contact with him for all this time, I take full responsibility for that. And I understand that I'm not legally his father anymore. So my question is this: is there any way I can get around this without breaking the restraining order or doing anything wrong or illegal? The last thing I want is to mess things up once more.

Location: SC

As you advised me I got a lawyer and he was able to confirm that the restraining order was indeed expired and had been for a long time. This means I'm free to contact my son's mother, ask her if he knows about me and if she would be willing to let me write to him. Again, thanks a lot, you might not realize it but your advice gave me the boost of confidence I needed to start this process when I was stuck thinking there was no hope because of the restraining order. Time to move to the next step now (not the easiest) and pray my ex-wife will react well with me contacting her after all this time.

I wrote a letter to my ex-wife. I spare you the detail but in it I apologized for what I've done and took responsibility for it. I also told her that I've made efforts to better myself and how I got my act together, and that I'm aware that she only has my word as proof for it and I know that's not much. I asked if she would let me know how she and my son were doing and if she'd be willing to share a bit about his life. I asked if he knows about me and if she thinks there's a chance she would let me contact him at some point in the future. I also added that I won't make any further attempt at contact if she doesn't answer or if she asks me to stop.

I really wasn't sure she would answer but she did. It was a long and emotional letter. I don't want to say too much but she says she has forgiven me and she's glad I'm doing better. She, my son and her husband are doing well. My son is a happy young man, he's doing great in school and has a nice group of friends. She finds him very mature for his age, he knows what he wants to do with his future. He has a good relationship with his parents and siblings. Reading this has been a huge relief, I'm so glad he's doing well. She said I was right to give him up for adoption however difficult it may have been. I knew it but reading it from my ex-wife has been incredibly comforting.

My son knows he's adopted, and he knows why his mom left with him and why he's never met me. Apart from that he doesn't know much about me. He has asked a few questions over the years and his mother has answered truthfully, and she writes that she hasn't bad mouthed me and I believe her. As for contacting him in the future, she'll think about it, but she and her husband need to talk about it first and see if my son wants it. And obviously my ex-wife and her husband will need to talk to me to see if I've changed for real. She said that she needs time to think about it and she doesn't want to rush things, but whatever they decide in the end she won't keep me in the dark.

So now all I've got to do is wait. This is a positive outcome, knowing my son is doing great is what I had been hoping for all these years and it helps a lot, even more than I would have expected. Even if I'm not sure if there will be contact in the future, there's hope so that's fine.

Great things happened over the last few months! My ex-wife wrote me a second letter a fex weeks after she first answered mine and said she'd be willing to meet with me so we could talk. I hadn't thought she'd want to do this because the last time I saw her was when I scared her so much. So we met for the first time in almost 12 years. We met in a coffee shop, needless to say we both were very emotional, but things went well and we ended up remaining there all afternoon talking about a lot of things we needed to get off our chests.

I was finally able to apologize in person for the things I put her through. I told her about my years of darkness and suffering and what caused them, the struggle to get better and the progress I've made towards healing and turning my life around. She said again that she forgives me and she understands that I was in a lot of pain and it wasn't easy, and that it makes her happy to see where I am now because in spite of it all, part of her was still worrying about me. She told me about her life with our son and the two kids she has with her second husband. They're a great family and I'm really grateful that my son is growing up between loving parents and siblings and that he's happy . We were able to talk with an open heart and we both cried a lot, but that did us a lot of good I think.

Then over the following weeks I met two more times with my ex and her husband to discuss potentially contacting my son, and they seem to agree that I'm much better than I was and I have my act together now and that I've been able to get somewhere in life. They are willing to trust me, and I am extremely grateful to them for giving me a chance, I wouldn't even have dreamed of that until a few months ago. I told them how thankful I am that they shared news of my son with me and told me about his life.

Not knowing how he was for all that time, while there were good reasons for that, has been very tough. From what my ex-wife and her husbands told me, in the last two years or so my son has been asking questions about why he was adopted. His parents have explained why his mom had to leave and take him with her, and how I wasn't able to be a father for him due to my issues and that I gave up my parental rights so his stepdad could raise him like his own son.

They have told him the truth and haven't sugarcoated anything. He has asked once if they knew what had become of me (at the time they didn't), so after we met they decided to tell him that we've been in contact, and have asked him how he feels about it. He has had a rather positive reaction (he said it was cool). They told him also that I've asked if I could write him a letter but it would only happen if he's fine with it and there's no pressure for him to say yes or to answer in any way.

From what they told me he talked about it with friends and decided that he'd be OK with receiving a letter from me. I am currently writing one (to be exact I've written and torn up about thirty versions of it in the last few days) to first thank him for letting me contact him and tell him that I love him and I'm there for him if he has any question about me, why I couldn't raise him or anything. I write that he's under no obligation of any kind to answer or do or say anything, because I completely understand that from his point of view I'm a stranger and I'm not asking for anything from him, and I won't contact him in the future if he doesn't want me to, but I'll be there if he needs anything.

I'm incredibly thankful that things went so well and I finally have a chance to contact my son. Just a six months ago I wouldn't have dared hoping for such an outcome. I feel better now than I ever have, talking to my ex-wife has been incredibly comforting. I've been crying tears of relief every day for a few weeks, I wasn't aware that I needed it so bad. I feel whole for the first time in a very long time and typing this feels wonderful.

After discussing at long with my ex-wife and her husband I wrote a letter to my son. I made it short, just told him I was his bio dad and that as he had learn from his parents I had given him up for adoption because of some issues that I had. I told him a few things about my life, where I live, my job , my girlfriend and so on. I let him know that I was there if he wanted to write back or if he had any question about me, but if he didn't want to I would disappear from is life and not bother him any longer.

I waited about three weeks for an answer. It came under a form I had not been expecting. My son texted me one evening to say hello and wish me a happy new year. We exchanged a few texts, small talk but that meant a huge lot to me. I had left my phone number in my letter just in case, but I had imagined he would have written a letter if he wanted to talk to me. I had thought I would have time to think about my answer but with the texts I had to answer fast and not let my emotions overwhelm me. In the following weeks we exchanged texts a few more times.

It's great because he's very direct and has no trouble asking me questions. He wants to know where I come from, he's asked things about my family and my childhood.

That one is a bit hard because I have no family left and my childhood was a nightmare and I don't want him to be disturbed by that. I've left out the worst for now.

One day out of the blue he texted me that he'd like to meet me face to face (that was before the pandemic) because texting is OK but he'd like to see what I look like. I didn't expect that at all. I thought he'd want maybe to call or skype one day but I never imagined he would ask to meet me so soon. He said his parents were OK with it. I imagine they must have been saying good things about me if it prompted him to ask to meet me.

So we arranged for my son, his family and I to meet at a state park to do some hiking and a picnic together. At first I was very tensed and didn't know what to expect but the day went quite well (I even managed not to cry, even though I was sure I would). We had fun, we talked a lot, mostly about my son's hobbies, sports, school, well the things that matter into a teenager's life.

He asked my about my job, where I live, my hobbies, even about my girlfriend. At no moment did we feel awkward, which had been a fear of mine. My son is smart and I could see that he has a good relationship with his parents and siblings and I'm very glad about that. They look like a loving and stable family which is what I hoped to be providing him with when I gave up my rights. We didn't speak in detail of the reasons why I had to give him up for adoption or the time when I wasn't doing well but I think it's as well for now.

His mom told him about it a bit but not all the detail. We'll discuss it in the future if/when he wants to. We had a good day together and I feel really thankful for having been able to meet him. My son said he hoped we would meet again soon so he could get to know me better, which of course makes me very happy. I also hope that one day he can meet my girlfriend (soon to be wife!). The pandemic has kind of derailed that for now but we'll meet again soon I'm sure. In the meantime we still exchange texts regularly and skype from time to time.

I have set a trust fund for him that should help if/when he goes to college. I don't plan to have other kids and I can afford it so it's only fair, after all I brought him into this world so I feel it's my responsibility even if I didn't raise him. I hope we can build a relationship and maybe one day he'll invite my to his graduation, that's a dream of mine. We'll see how it goes. Meeting him has brought me a lot of joy and comfort. It gives me closure in a way, that's a very good feeling and I needed that. I know I'll need to navigate our relationship carefully but I feel confident that it will work and there's a lot more for us in the future.

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

Posting this as an update because my original post received so many comments that it’s hard to really follow everything there anymore.

I was really surprised by how many people responded and honestly, the advice was all over the place and admittedly some of it got me pretty worked up. I think it really helped hearing some unbiased thoughts of my situation though.

There’s no huge update really. I’ve decided that just sitting here passively and not saying anything won’t get me anywhere.

My ex and I are in regular communication. We don’t talk every day but we text every few days. She told me she can’t find any adoptive parents that feel right yet. She really wants me to start looking at the stuff the adoption agency has sent. She asked if I had looked and I told her I skimmed some stuff but it doesn’t really make me feel good. That was my opening to tell her I’m really not sure how I feel about adoption and I’m having second thoughts regarding my own desire to parent my child or not. She asked me what I was really trying to say and I tried to communicate that I’m not saying she should keep the baby and be a parent right now, I understand why this is the best decision for her, but I’m not sure if it’s the best decision for me. She said “What? You’re going to be a single dad? Hahahaha.” I told her maybe, it’s not that crazy. She said it is crazy and “Don’t do this to me.” She basically feels like if I do that, even if I don’t hold it against her, she’s still legally the mom and suddenly she’ll be this horrible deadbeat parent who isn’t involved with her child at all. By placing the baby with another family, she breaks the legal ties and she doesn’t have to feel like she’s quite as shitty of a person.

Even my own mom is unsure of how to feel about what I’m considering it, but she would support me. She understands my feelings about not wanting my child to be raised by other people, but worries I’m biting off more than I can chew. She still support me 100%. She thinks it’s crazy but she also thinks I can do it if it’s what I want.I admittedly cried like a baby about it to my mom and in true mom fashion she thinks I need to “follow my heart.”

Often in pro-life rhetoric, the fact that 2 million families are on adoption waiting lists is a reason that abortion should be severely restricted or banned. I think this is terrible reasoning that:

1. ignores the trauma and pain that many birth mothers go through by carrying out a pregnancy, giving birth, and then giving their child away. Not to mention, many adoptees also experience trauma.

2. Basically makes birth moms (who are often poor) the equivalent of baby-making machines for wealthier families who want babies. Infertility is heart breaking and difficult, but just because a couple wants a child does not mean they are entitled to one.

Change my view.

Just saw a TikTok where moms were just kinda having fun and saying sometimes they forget they're pregnant because they've been pregnant for so long. Nothing wrong with that.

Then I saw a comment saying "I want kids but I don't wanna give birth"

Someone replied saying adoption was an option.

Almost everyone replying to them was attacking them, getting offended, or saying "biological kids are better." and "you can't love adopted kids in the same way." (Not even paraphrasing. They literally said that.)

Adoption in my opinion is the only way to have a kid that isn't selfish by default. I can't imagine ATTACKING SOMEONE for saying that ADOPTION IS AN OPTION. God forbid someone who wants kids doesn't pride themselves on cOnTinuiNG tHeIR lEgAcy by spreading their useless DNA around like it's actually important.

Also, why would you publicly admit that you're incapable of loving someone that doesn't share your DNA..? Like, is that a flex?

Just sharing because I'm baffled. Idk what other people think of this.

I want to adopt. I want a big family and I won't have biological children unless I accidentally get pregnant. I feel like I am in position to choose and I'm choosing adoption, because I can't comprehend how you can't love a child, period. A child is a child, regardless of where they came from, and every single one of the children in the system deserves to have a loving family.

The thing is, so many people told me I'm crazy, stupid and other extremely insulting things. "How can you love someone else's child?" "You don't know their genes, maybe they'll be crazy." "You're young, you'll change your mind." "Hell nah, my wife will give birth to my children, there's no way I'll ever accept an adopted child as my own." "Giving birth is the most beautiful thing."

Most of these people are pro-life. How can you be against abortion and hate adoption? How can you care about an unborn fetus (who's also NOT yours) and not care about a child who is already born and struggling in the system? How can people be so pathetic and heartless? And what about genes? Over half of my family is alcoholic and are extremely (breaks my heart to say it) stupid. I clearly don't have good genes either.

The only people in my family supporting my decision are my mother and my sister. My grandmother is ready to disown me if I ever do it.

I'm working my ass off so I can get a proper education so I can have a well paid job and a big home so I can adopt as many kids as possible.

adoption should be for emergency situations only and should not be a billion dollar industry or used only as a family building tool..... parents who are unable to conceive are not owed a child just because they want/ can "afford" one. Children should not be bought and sold. Not saying anyone who adopted should be ridiculed or judged by any means. Just saying the "industry" of adoption as a whole and why isn't exists should really be genuinely rethought. Im not against adoption. I'm against the industry of adoption and the reality of it.

I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by 5 years ago on .

Girlfriend is pregnant. I want the baby, she wants to give up for adoption. What does the law say? [Jan 21 2017]

My girlfriend is 5 months pregnant and we can't seem to be able to agree on what to do with the baby. I absolutely want this child and want to be a father however she wants to give up the child for adoption to a couple that she has found.

We talk about it all the time, and she always ends up saying "it's ultimately my decision, not yours" and I don't know to what extent that is true.

Some background: I'm 20 and have a job. She is 22 and student. We have been together for 2 years. We live in Buffalo, New York.

Is she right that it is her decision and not mine? And if not, how can I ensure that she can't give up the child for adoption behind my back?

Relevant Comments:

• Commenter: As your first step, you probably want to register with your state's putative father registry. That will help if the mother tries to keep you off the birth certificate. As the second step, you should contact a family lawyer. The mother will soon find out that giving up the baby for adoption is a lot more complicated than she naïvely thinks. So, sooner or later, lawyers will get involved. Better be prepared in advance than get surprised by it later. If she really doesn't want the baby. There is a good chance that you could get custody and she would have to pay you child support. But that's a legal problem best navigated with the help of a professional. If you can't afford a lawyer, see if there are any free clinics or try to borrow money. This is a decision that will affect the rest of your life. Don't be penny wise and pound foolish. Fight for your family! OOP: Thank you. I'll find the best family lawyer in town and call for an appointment on Monday. I was afraid that she can bypass me in this but I'll fight for my family as you say!

• I'm not a delusional person. My relationship with her will be over once the baby is born. She doesn't want this baby and if I end up with the baby, she'll be gone and I'm fine with that. I don't count on her for anything. I'll do everything I can to be a good father. My family will also help me. I don't deny that I'm a little freaked out but if I wasn't I guess you'd say I'm naive.

• I want full custody and having nothing to do with her unless she wants to, and I have no objections to her being involved if she changes her mind in the future. I don't count on it though, and I will prepare to be a single dad.

• I have a job in our family business which I'll run after my dad retires. I have a good car, I'm sure we can fit a good infant seat. I can afford daycare, good housing and other resources. I have a few months to educate myself on parenting and do the preparations. I might be 20 but I'm not stupid or lazy. This is my baby we're talking about. I'll do whatever it takes.

• She says she had her own dreams about developing her career and traveling the world and wants to be child free until her 30s. Well she's not an ex yet but from what she always says, she will be one when the baby is born. If she changes her mind, I'm willing to work things through with her if I can be convinced that she's now fully committed. I think we'll end up needing some counseling if she decides to stay with me and raise the child.

Girlfriend is pregnant. I want the baby, she wants to give up for adoption. What does the law say? (Update) [July 30 2017]

I guess it's time for me to post an update to post. I don't have a happy update however. So much has happened.

On the advice of this sub I went to a lawyer and did all the necessary paperwork. My girlfriend changed her mind a few times between wanting to raise the baby with me and wanting adoption but in the final weeks of the pregnancy she told me that I'm not the father at all. I thought she was lying so I asked to do a test. We went and did one of the prebirth blood tests and the result was negative. She was telling the truth. I wasn't the father.

I broke up with her her then. I was so heartbroken. She had cheated on me and made me think I was going to be a father for months. I was curious about who the father was though. I asked her and she told me that it's the man who is going to adopt the child from her! Yes. This man fucked my girlfriend and now wants to adopt his own baby from my girlfriend with his wife who had no idea.

I thought his wife deserves to know so I went to their house (when he wasn't home) and told his wife everything. She had a complete breakdown in front of me. I felt sad that I caused this but I imagine it was her husband who cheated on her that really caused it. She called my now ex girlfriend to get confirmation and she told her the truth then called her husband and that was when I left.

Now the baby is born and I've heard that my ex girlfriend and the man have moved in together in an apartment and are raising the baby! I guess his wife will divorce him soon.

It will take me years to recover from this. I thank you for your advice and help. It's sad that things turned out this way and I hope this baby grows up to be a decent person despite being raised by two cheaters.

Reminder: I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

Originally posted by 5 years ago on .

We only found out because my brother's girlfriend got him one of those genealogy kits and he matched with our sister. I did it after the discovery and matched with her too.

She's younger than us. I'm 29, my brother is 28 and she's 24. My parents didn't deny it when my brother confronted them but they won't talk about it. My sister reached out to my brother after the matched. I have just messaged her also. She indicated to my brother that she was abandoned by her birth parents as a baby because she is deaf. She lives in a different province so we haven't met her. My brother and me have both messaged her. I'm more than willing to get to know her if she wants that.

Mostly I'm shocked and going through the gauntlet of emotions. I can't even imagine how my sister feels.

NEW UPDATE!

I am not the OP, original post is by

TW: abuse, trauma

So I (27F) have a couple in their early 60’s who have been in my life for several years. I’ve know there wife 10 years and the husband for 8 years. Over the course of this time they’ve become my “chosen parents” and have taken my in as if I’m their own. I spend a holidays with their family, have good relationships with their children and grandchildren etc etc.

My biological parents passed years ago and were extremely abusive to me and it’s resulted in the need for therapy and at times I struggle with my relationship with my “chosen parents” because I’m still learning what a healthy family is like in some ways.

Well my “chosen parents” asked me over to dinner tonight so I went and ate with them. After dinner they said they wanted to talk about something serious (my abused self obviously internally panicked thinking they didn’t want me in their life anymore) well they told me that they wanted me to know that adult adoption was on the table as an option if I wanted them too. In our state you can adopt someone after age 18 assuming certain criteria are met, which they checked with their lawyer before mentioning it to me and we would meet the criteria.

They told me it’s 100% my choice, I can say yea or no, but that by doing so it does give me the same rights as their biological children when they pass away, and things like that.

My chosen Dad also said that adoption does not mean that I have to take his last name, but that if I wanted to he would be completely fine with it.

Does it make me a bad biological child if I say yes to this and take my chosen Dad’s name?

For me it’s not about inheritance or anything, I don’t care about that............it’s about feeling like I’m truly theirs and that I have a family that is healthy and safe.

I’ve always felt a little bit like the outsider because I’m not biologically/legally their kid while also worrying they’ll walk out of my life....and I feel like maybe this will help me believe I am loved and will be loved going forward.

Am I a monster for wanting to tell them yes?

So yesterday I posted that my chosen parents had let me know they had a desire to legally adopt me.

I’ve spent the last 24 hours on a roller coaster of emotions, and Reddit helped and hindered that experience for me. Some of you were a huge help and support and some others made me feel I had no choice but to decline.

Tonight I asked my chosen parents the backstory and if their kids knew, if their kids were accepting of it etc.

Apparently they reached out to a lawyer on March 1st to see if we met the criteria for adult adoption and once they found out that we would meet the criteria they got more information from their lawyer about the process to make it happen, and decided they wanted to suggest that offer to me.

Then at the beginning of April they told their kids that they wanted to legally adopt me and asked for all of their true opinions on it. Apparently that went over completely fine and everyone agreed it was a good choice because it would protect me if I have got hurt or sick and needed someone to act on my behalf, plus their kids thought maybe it would help me feel more apart of the family. They even showed me the group text messages their kids sent last night and sent this morning asking if I had told them yes or no yet because they’ve been waiting to find out my decision.

Around 6:45 tonight I sat them down, asked for the backstory and then once I had my questions answered I told them I wanted them to adopt me. I even called them Mom and Dad for the first time (I’ve only ever used their first names).

Mom broke down immediately and hugged me for a while as she cried. Dad held it together emotionally until I told him I wanted to have his last name. I also told them I didn’t want to keep my bio mother’s name as my middle name. I told them I wanted them to come up with a couple names that they like that I could choose from. I told them since they never had a biological child together (all their kids are from their first marriages) they never got to name a child together so I wanted them to get to have a say in my new middle name, plus for me that will carry sentimental value. Dad said he was never going to tell me he wanted me to take his last name because he wanted it to be 100% my choice but that it means the world that I want his name.

So I’m spending the night here again tonight because the emotions are running high and I want to be near them for one more night......... but I’M GETTING ADOPTED!!!!

New update!

So I accepted my parents offer to legally adopt me. Part of that was I wanted to take their last name, but also due to the abuse from my biological parents I didn’t want to keep my middle name since since it was my biological mothers first name.

I told my new parents I wanted them to choose a name for my middle name because they have 4 kids between them (3 living) but have none biologically together so they’ve never gotten to choose a name for a child together. I wanted to give them that opportunity as a couple/parents and also for me to have the sentimental value that they chose my new middle name specifically for me.

So we’re headed to the lawyers soon to start paperwork and they wanted to come up with a name before we started the paperwork. Apparently they were awake half the night searching baby names and meanings on the Internet and discussing it trying to find one they loved.

Well they found one.

They chose “EMMELLYN” which means “peaceful home”

They told me their reasons for meaning and spelling were:

1. With them and being adopted I now will legally forever have a peaceful home/family. No more abuse or trauma to worry about.

2. Both of their middle names start with “E” so they only considered “E” names

3. Moms middle name has “ELL” in it

4. Dad’s first name has “ELL” in it

As soon as they finished that explanation and I said my full name with this middle name and their last name out loud.........instant tears from me.

I don’t know what I expected them to come up with for a name, but this has so much more meaning and deep ties to them/their names than I ever thought they could pack into one name.

I finally know my new name.....it’ll take a while for the whole process and before it’s legal and all that, but I finally feel like I’m moving on from my past and building a future with my family.

Reminder: I am not the OP