Abortion

I came to this sub because I want to tell this to somebody, and it seems that I can only keep it to myself. I cried for several hours, I am very scared and tired, so I think I will be rambling. I just want to put this somewhere, and my husband and his family don’t know English, so this place makes me feel safe.

I learned that I am pregnant this morning. I don’t know how long that has been. I told my husband the next moment I knew. He was happy. He told me he was glad. He was very happy when he left to meet his parents.

I opened my door today to my mother in law and him. He did not tell me she would come, and he knows I don’t do well with announced visitors, especially of that importance. It was her second or third time on our apartment, but she acted like it was hers. She ordered me to sit, and I felt so anxious. My heart was beating so fast, it all felt so unsafe. I kept looking at my husband, but he never looked me in the eyes. He was looking at the floor or at his hands.

His mother demanded a paternity test, right after congratulating me. It felt so awful. She didn’t say anything rude or bad but it felt like she did. It felt like she called me a prostitute. I was shocked and I kept trying to get my husband to look at me, but he would not. She noticed and ordered me to look at her, and that her son would not help me. It felt so scary. She started to threaten me with the lawyers that are friends to their family. She told me that if I was smart, I would go with her to the clinic tomorrow and this will all be other with.

It felt so awful, it felt like I was completely at the mercy of this woman. It felt like she could just grab me and put her hands inside me herself, and my husband would not protect me. And the most disgusting of all, it felt like she somehow did that. It felt like she somehow put her hands inside me and tainted whatever is there.

Whatever I felt for my husband died at that moment. After the shock and the fear, I felt disgust for him. I felt sick sitting there. He looked so disgusting and pathetic sitting there silent, not protecting me. It felt disgusting that I ever let him touch me, let him do this to me. Like all the love I had for him was tainted too.

All I managed to say was that I need time to decide. She told me there is nothing to decide. I told her that I am shoked and I need time. She told me that this was what she was afraid to hear and it’s all very clear to her. It felt like I would throw up. I wanted to cry so badly and my voice was shaking, but I didn’t cry. She said that she is sorry that it had to be this way, but she gave me three days. My husband stood to see her out, not saying a word to me. He went to see her to her car, and I was left alone.

I immediately cried. I felt so scared. I felt like they could barge in and just take it out of me, if they wanted, like they thought so little of me. Did my husband always think that I was cheating, or did her? Did they always look at me and thought that I am unfaithful? Several times I tried to threw up because I was crying so hard.

Why didn’t my husband protect me? This is not who I married. The last time I felt so unsafe was when I was in my parents home, and I vowed that I would never feel this way again. I married him because I felt like he could protect me, and he didn’t. I still feel sick and disgusting, for letting him touch me, for being pregnant by him.

When I heard him come back, I locked the door to the bathroom and I have been there ever since, crying. He didn’t say a word to me. I am waiting for him to fall asleep, so I can fall asleep on a couch we have in the kitchen. I don’t ever want to be in the same bed with him again.

I may not think clearly, but I want a divorce. I will never feel safe with this man, and I would never love him again, I know that for certain. I will never be sure that he will protect me. I can’t stay. The thing that makes me scared is that I want an abortion. It was the first thing I googled. What I have inside me is his, it ties me to him and to his mother, I want it out. While I was crying, I scratched my stomach unintentionally, and now it all red and itching, I can’t think about what is inside of me without crying in hysteria. I want out, I want to be safe.

It’s strange and cruel, but I don’t feel bad for wanting a divorce. I will lose the future that I wanted, and all my friends, and I will have to start all other again, but I did it once, when I left my birth house, I will do it again. I feel nothing towards what is inside of me, it reminds me of his mother and it scares me. I want it out. I never thought about abortion before, never been around pregnant people much.

Right now I don’t feel anything, but writing this post helped me calm down and I sort of have a plan now. I don’t know if I should move out first, or go to a doctor first. I am afraid they will lock me if they find out. For some reason, this reminds me of the time I left my parents, and my head feels clear, I am not so panicked anymore and I mostly feel numb. But I was crying a lot earlier. I guess that’s all. I want to sleep and I need to go to work tomorrow, I think that is good, because I have the excuse to be out of the flat, I don’t feel safe here. Thank you for listening, I have no friends to tell this to.

I'm here to spill my little dirty secret since I can't talk to anyone about it and it slowly takes a toll on me.

I (f 25) and my bf (m 29) always agreed that if I became pregnant, we would terminate it (Mostly for financial issues and not being ready).

Last summer we got drunk and I wasn't careful. I knew immediately we screwed up, but I hoped nothing happened. A few weeks later I waited for my period to start. While I was sitting at home I had sudden panic attacks and felt sick. I knew something was wrong; The test was immediately positive.

There was no discussion in getting a child. So I started to organize everything. This was mentally and physically hard - I always felt sick, vomited and had to take on the appointments and do everything with the insurance (Due to me studying I needed them to cover the costs, it took longer than planned). Soon the date was set and everything was over.

I know there is no point in this and it was the right decicion, but I still wish he would be more supportive. Something like "No matter how you feel, or what will be, you are secure and I'm going to help you." It was not even worth a discussion, just a "Nope". We never talked about it again. Overall he seems very insensitive about it. During the time I vomited after eating certain foods. He does not get, that I feel sick smelling them to this day. He wants to eat it so we should. I'm dramatic over this.

My resentment grew more as we could never agree about contraception, he always put it on me.

He insists that he hates condoms and won't use them, I've had a long history with hormonal contraceptives. The side effects were unbearable. I tracked my cycle and we avoided having sexy time during "dangerous" days. It worked for 5 years up until the drunk night. Now he insists that I take a birth control pill, I insist to use condoms. Both refuse and we were not intimite ever since. He's not iniating often but I turned down every attemt.

Now I'm sitting here and building resentment on him. Maybe I'm unfairly distant. I tried to talk about it, but he shuts it down. I know there is no point in discussing this and it needs two to tango, but I feel emotionally alone with this.

TLDR: AITA for resenting my bf over my abortion? Eventhough we agreed on it prior and during the process, I just wish he offered his support and it would have felt like a decicion. It happened almost over a year ago and I struggle to let it go.