r/Jokes

“Thank you honey” she says, “is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs and says, “an Italian girl.”
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, “how was the trip?”
“Very good” she replies
“And what happened to my present?” he asks.
Confused, she replies “which present?”
“The one I asked for, the Italian girl” he answers.
With a sly grin she replies “Oh that. I did what I could, but we'll just have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl.”

They ask the army guy. What would you do if you woke up and found a spider in your tent? The army guy replies “I would take off my boot and smash it to death”.

They ask the navy guy the same question. What would you do if you woke up and there was a spider in your tent? He replied. “I would take out my bayonet and stab it to death”.

Finally they get to the airforce guy. What would you do if you woke up and there was a spider in your tent? The airforce guy paused for a second with a confused look on his face and replied “ well first I would call the front desk and ask why there is a fucking tent in my hotel room”.

A man wins one hundred grand in Las Vegas and being so paranoid that someone might steal it, he decides to bury it in his backyard. The next morning he goes to check on it, and finds a huge empty hole with muddy foot prints leading to the house next door, where a deaf and mute professional body builder was staying.

So he asks his neighbor across the street, (who is a sign language teacher), to translate for him. So with his shotgun in hand he knocks on the door. When the door opens, he cocks the shotgun and jams it in the deaf bodybuilder’s face, he says “tell him to give me my money or I will shoot him dead.”

The ASL teacher translates the message, and the bodybuilder responds in asl saying “I’m sorry, dear god, please don’t shoot me! I hid your 100k under the seeds in my bird feeder behind by my pool!!” The guy with the shotgun asks the teacher, “well what’s he saying??”, and the teacher turns to him and replies “he says that you can kill him, he’ll never tell”