r/Jokes

The man, not wanting to have to climb down and up the ladder again, yelled back, "What's the matter, sir?"

The old man replied, "Just get down here first!" The man thought for a second, and being the polite man he is, climbed down the ladder.

The old guy, "Can you please spare me some money?"

The man, after thinking for some moment, said, "Come with me."

He climbed up the ladder, with the old man following him. When both of them were already up on the roof, the man said to the old man, "No."

A few days later, she goes back to him and tells him that the closet shakes when the train passes by her house. The carpenter goes to her house and sees there’s nothing wrong with the closet but he adds a few nails to the closet anyway and tells her: there you go. A few days later, she goes back to him again and tells him the closet still shakes when the train passes by the house. The carpenter that didn’t believe her gets mad and tells her: OK, I’m gonna go inside the closet and wait here until the train passes by. Right after he steps inside the closet, the woman’s husband comes home and he goes straight for the closet and opens the door. He tells the carpenter: What the hell are you doing here?! and the carpenter replies: Would you believe it if I told you, I’m waiting for the train?

Edit: this is a Persian joke I thought it would work in English too.

...and the friend takes his towel off to get dressed. The friend greets him and goes about the usual small talk. The first man stops him and says, "Sorry I'm going to have to stop you. I'm so sorry, I hope I'm not weirding you out, but holy shit, you have the biggest penis I've ever seen! I couldn't help but notice and I'm so jealous!" The friends looks around to make sure no one is listening in and replies.

"I'll let you in on an old family secret. It's not natural. Going back generations, the men in my family grow our Johnsons to be this way. I'll tell you how if you want but you can't tell anyone."

The man is excited at this prospect and says, "Your secret is safe with me! I swear, if you tell me I'll keep it to myself!" "Okay" says the friend "here it is. Get yourself a container of lard from the grocery store, along with some burlap and butchers twine. Every morning you lather your member up with the lard. Really get the lard all over it, be very liberal with the amount. Then when it's good and lathered, wrap your purple headed yogurt slinger with the burlap. Secure it by tying it to with the butchers twine like a little present. Then put your clothes on and go about your day. Do this every day for 2 weeks and the lard will seep into your shillelagh. It will soak up all the lard and you'll be packing some serious heat." The man says, "WOW, that's amazing! I'll try that starting tomorrow!"

2 weeks go by and the friends are right back in the locker room at the gym.

"Well, how'd it go"

"Not so good. It didn't work at all! In fact. It has actually gotten smaller!"

"Impossible! It always works! You followed the instructions exactly as I explained?"

"Yes, I followed the instructions exac...well. actually now that you mention it. The store didn't have any lard so I bought some Crisco instead. Other than that I did everything exactly like you said!"

The friend is dumbfounded. "CRISCO?! You used CRISCO?!?!"

The man doesn't see the issue. " Yeah. I used Crisco, what's the big deal?"

"You can't use Crisco, that's SHORTENING!"

Edit: spelling of an Irish word that I tried to spell phonetically. Swing and a miss.