Since my baby was born five months ago, I have been having terrible visions during the day that I don’t think I have control over. Any time my gut tells me to be careful with her (ex. Hold her tightly - you’re walking down the stairs!) I immediately imagine her dying because of my carelessness down to every detail, I feel the panic when it happens, I feel the grief that comes afterward, and then I think about killing myself. This happens in just a few seconds but for multiple times a day and has since she was born. I can’t seem to stop torturing myself. I love my baby and I would never harm her intentionally, but after the recent tragedy in the news about the Clancy family, now I’m not sure whether to take this seriously or not. I’ve been having trouble adjusting to parenthood (my baby still does not let me put her down, and I work more than full-time and have my baby with me, my husband is trying to get his business up off the ground so he is working all the time but not contributing much financially, and for years it’s felt impossible to get him to help clean up his clutter, which is out of control, around the house). For years I’ve been stressed emotionally about all his, but since having my baby I’ve felt numb and then occasionally explode and yell at the dogs, melt down sobbing, and throw the stuff he refuses to clean up at the wall and hope it breaks so I can throw it away. I had never lost my cool before having a baby. Most of the time I feel normal, other than the awful visions that won’t go away.

I know I’m not asking the right forum for this, and I should probably speak to a professional. I don’t know if I need a push, or if I just maybe need reassurance that this is normal and I’ll be able to get through it. I think solidarity could make me feel better, too.

ETA: Has anyone here been admitted for postpartum depression? At what point do they trust you to be a mother again?