Hey Everyone,
So my wife 32F and I 34M have been together 18 years but have been arguing recently about the responsibilities within our marriage and we cant seem to agree.
I work full time and my wife is a stay at home mother. We have 2 children one is in school full time and the other goes to preschool 2 1/2 days a week.
Recently my wife has been sending me the stupid tiktoks that always say "Your wife is your partner, not your mom" and essentially boil down to men should help out round the house, help with the kids and pick up after themselves. A sentiment I generally agree with.
This usually comes with a side of "You don't value what I do, to look after the kids and plan everything etc"
Now to be clear, I am not against helping out round the house and helping get the kids to bed, and brush their teeth and cook meals. I do help with this stuff everyday.
I feel like all I do is work, because the second I finish work, I have kids to help with because she "Has had them all day".
My position is, that she is right when she says kids are work and I can appreciate that after a day of being with them all day ,that she is probably tired of kids. But I have also been at work all day too and it isn't fair to expect me to be sole parent as soon as I'm finished.
Then there is the issue of housework. Our house is always a mess, which frustrates me when she complains about having to do all the "unpaid labor" of managing a household and looking after the kids. Because from my perspective I go to work in a messy house and I finish work in a messy house.( I work from home, go into my office for 8 hours, only coming out for the occasional coffee and snack) Which means that 90% of my mess is contained to a room only I go in. Most days while I'm at work she isn't even home.
I feel that I am holding up my end of the bargain by working full time and then helping with housework and the kids outside of that. But she isn't holding up her end of it by looking after the house and kids while i'm at work. I could understand that she wouldn't get as much done around the house on days when our youngest is home but on days where she is at preschool, she take it as an opportunity to "have a break" and go shopping with her mom or go visit a friend.
Whenever I bring this up or question how much effort she is putting in I get "you don't appreciate me" and "i'm not your mother"
I'm not saying she should be waiting on me hand and foot as my personal maid, cook and sexdoll (not that we ever have sex) because "I'm the man, bringing home the bacon." and I really hope I don't come across that way in this post as that really not what i'm saying.
But I am killing myself trying to do everything, yet am being told i'm the problem for treating her like my mother, because i'm expecting her to do her part.
What can I do to help her see my side?
##UPDATE 1 "Yes, I "help".
So a lot of people are saying we need to sit down and try to look at things as a team and I am totally on board for this approach and will let you know how it goes.
Also to a few people dislike my framing of "helping" as it's my responsibility also.
I agree, I used the term helping as thats the word she uses when saying I need to do more to "help" around the house.
Another lot of you either can't read or are refusing to believe that I actually parent my own children.
I wake them up in the morning. I make them breakfast everyday. I get them dressed everyday. I take them to school 2-3 days a week. I know their teachers, I know all their friends and their friends parents names. I know their doctors, I know their allergies (none thankfully). I bath them, I get their PJs on and read them the same god damn bed time story everynight for weeks. Because they dont want any of the other books we have, they want George the giant. I draw with them, I play games with them, I know their favourite disney princesses and favourite superheroes.
As for the household I do laundry, I load the dishwasher, I cook my own lunches and tidy up after myself. I iron, I fold and put away laundry, I pick up their toys and tidy their play room. I hoover at the weekend and take them to kids parties. I also do all the chores that my wife wont because "Im the man" Like taking out the bins, cleaning the car, mowing the grass, fixing anything that breaks.
Update 2... days later, After "The talk"
So, I arranged for the in-laws to have the kids Friday night. Me and the wife sat down and had a talk. A LONG talk, probably one of the deepest and hardest talks we have ever had in our 18 years.
I told her my side, that I felt overwhelmed and underappreciated. That I felt I was doing more than my fair share and that she wasn't. I told her that I could understand that while I may be doing plenty around the house and parenting, that I was guilty of letting her take the majority of the mental load but that still didn't excuse her behaviour.
I felt I was firm but fair and to her credit instead of fighting back she listened.
We discussed her feelings and she admits to not prioritising housework and trying to make the most of her "free time" and agreed that we will sit down and come up with a schedule for cleaning that we are both accountable for.
She told me some issues that I wasn't aware of that her mother had been dealing with since retiring and the passing of her father (wife's grandad). loneliness & depression, issues relating to my SIL ( she's a mess and constant headache). which was why she had been going to see her so much.
Other feelings she had been having about feeling lost in kids, not having anything for herself and some depression related to weight gain since having our second child. She has put on 40-50lbs and no longer feels attractive. I told her that I still think she's beautiful but she doesn't. Hence our DB.
There were hurt feelings and tears from both of us.
So we are taking steps to help.
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We have both agreed to switch out mornings and evenings. I get the kids up, breakfasts, teeth, dressed and take them to school. She does Dinner, bath, bed etc. the next day we switch. this gives us both some mornings/evenings free to do what we want.
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We are both joining the gym, I too have put on some weight and lost muscle since our second child. hopefully this helps with her body confidence.
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We are also arranging with the In-laws to have babysitters once a week for us to start going on regular dates again.( for context the in-laws are our only support, I'm an orphan of abusive, raised by my grandmother, now passed.)
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We have found a cleaning schedule, where you do certain chores throughout the house everyday but pick one room to "deep clean" everyday too. With me doing laundry, dishwasher etc things that take less time. Her doing the deep cleans and general tidying.
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Most importantly she is looking to get a job part-time so she can start helping financially, give her some income that isn't from me and give her something to focus on outside of being a mom.
As all my wages went into the joint account, I felt like I never had any money as I didn't want to spend and there not be enough to pay the mortgage etc. So I never spent money and resented that she did.
So when she gets a job both incomes are going into the joint account, then we are getting a budget together.
Making sure there is enough to cover direct debits, then dividing the remaining into accounts for savings and personal accounts for each of us to have our own money that we can spend how we want guilt free.
6. I'm going to pick up a hobby that gets me out of the house and commute to the office once a week. One thing we discussed was that I was always at home. I didn't do anything other than work and be at home. So we didn't have a lot to talk about, because I didn't go anywhere.
It also meant that she never got any alone time at home away from me and the kids and she felt like a nuisance being at home while I'm at work.
We took this weekend to spend some time together as a family, took the kids to the park, went to a nature reserve for a picnic and bike rides. Took the kids rock climbing followed by ice-cream. It was really nice and we both feel like a weight has been lifted. it's obviously not going to change overnight and we need to work at it. but we have a plan and both seem to want to put in the effort.
To everyone who gave me good advice, recommended therapy (we can't afford it until she starts work but we are looking for when she does.) commiserated with your own stories or just had a kind word to say. Thank You So Much, there were comments that made me cry and so much insight that I hadn't considered. Thank you.
To those of you who clearly didn't read my post but instead assumed I was entitled and entirely to blame because I used the word "help". Or that I probably didn't know my own children's birthdays and allergies. I feel sorry for you and hope that you get the "help" you so sorely need.
