This page will be updated continuously. all questions similar to these left in our ask box will be deleted unless new information is available and the answers have changed.
Last updated Oct 7, 2020
Q: Can you answer my question privately?
A: Yes - do not turn on anonymous and specify at the beginning of your message that you’d like it to be answered privately.
Q: How do I know if I’m really nonbinary?
A: In short, you don’t. There is no way you can get a “permanent” or “proven” answer. Gender is a social construct, and merely a label for a vast sea of experiences, not a math equation or diagnosis, and the way we interpret our gender varies and is up to us individually. That said, you may find it helpful to look through our questioning tag. The most important questions you can ask yourself regarding labeling your identity are: do I want to identify this way, does it make me happy/comfortable to identify this way (even if I’m also scared nervous), does it help me communicate my experiences/feelings to label this way, and/or do I relate to the experiences of others who identify this way? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then it sounds like you’ve found a good label for yourself and may want to think about using it for a while.
Q: What if how I feel is a phase?
A: So what if it is? What harm is actually done? Phase simply means: “a distinct period or stage in a series of events or a process of change or development”. Life is full of phases. We are constantly learning and growing and changing. Calling something a “phase” just means it is temporary. Calling something a “phase” is a bit like calling someone a “snowflake” - people’s tone is what makes it offensive, but if you dissect the meaning, there’s nothing inherently negative or bad about it. Question away! Use as many labels, pronouns, titles, names, and fashion styles as you want, changing as often as you want!
Q: Does __ fall under the nonbinary/trans umbrella?
A: Trans means you do not identify 100% only as the gender you were assigned at birth. Nonbinary means you do not identify 100% only as a man OR 100% only as a woman. If [x] gender fits under those definitions, then yes, it falls under the trans/nonbinary umbrella and you can identify as trans/nonbinary. (Some culturally specific third genders are not considered trans/nonbinary even though they may technically fall under these definitions because those cultures hold a different understanding of gender; however, we never get this question in relation to culturally specific third genders.)
Q: Can I be nonbinary and __?
A: Nonbinary is an umbrella term that encompasses many, many gender feels, experiences, expressions, presentations, and labels. Really the only thing you can’t be, in combination with being nonbinary, is cisgender. Also note: nonbinary is a term that falls under the trans umbrella.
Q: I feel __. What gender does that make me?
A: The only person who can really tell you what your gender is, is you. Take a look at this list of gender identities (or this one or this one) and see if one jumps out at you. This is not a comprehensive list but it is a good start. It is also completely fine to go by a general/umbrella term if you are unable to pin down your specific gender/gender feelings, don’t want to specifically define your gender, no more specific genders seem/feel right to you, or any other reason.
Q: Do I have to do/want/experience/be ___ to be valid as nonbinary?
A: No. All you have to do to be valid as nonbinary is identify as nonbinary. You do not have to be a certain way, want any certain thing, or pass some test to be nonbinary. All you have to do is identify as nonbinary. Even if you are still unsure that you’re nonbinary, you’re still valid.
*___ could be, but is not limited to, androgynous/bind/tuck/pack/stuff/hrt/surgery/dysphoria/self-hatred/euphoria, etc.
Q: How can I cope with dysphoria?
A: Please take a look at our coping tag and look into “adaptive” vs “maladaptive” coping. There are short-term methods of coping (distraction, self-soothing, reassuring yourself, having a friend reassure you, etc.) and long-term methods of coping (utilizing therapy, CBT techniques - see app Sanvello, ACT techniques - see app ACT coach, meditation - see app Insight Timer, mindfulness, etc.). While we fully support using short-term methods as needed, we will always suggest you begin practicing and utilizing long-term, adaptive methods of coping because that will be more helpful to you in the long-term, and you deserve to live a happier, more comfortable life.
Q: How do I change my appearance to be more ___?
A: Before you ask, we have a lot of tags you can look through for our past advice on this subject. Please check out any of the tags that are relevant to your interests: masculinizing/masculine, feminizing/feminine, transmasc, transfem, androgynous, gender neutral, fashion, clothes, makeup, hairstyle, haircut, expression, and presentation.
Q: How should I come out to my parents/boyfriend/friend/teacher/coworker?
A: Read our coming out masterpost. For further tips on educating people in your life (i.e. “my parents just don’t get it), read this post. Our coming out tag may also be helpful to you.
Q: What is a gender neutral title for __?
A: Here is a non-comprehensive list of gender neutral titles: http://genderqueeries.tumblr.com/titles
Q: What sexuality am I if I ___?
A: Just like only you can determine your gender, only you can determine your sexuality. Here is a list of sexuality terms that either inherently include nonbinary people or were specifically created to include nonbinary people. It is also fine to use “binary” terms. It all depends on what you connect with, what helps you best communicate, and what you want to identify as.
Q: How do I email my professors about my pronouns?
A: Here is a template you can use. Here is another link to other information that might be helpful to you.
Q: How do I pick pronouns?
A: You can try pronouns out in the Pronoun Dressing Room.
Q: Can I use ___ pronouns?
A: Unless the pronouns are specifically culturally or experience (ex. kintype or neurodivergent-based) specific, then yes. She/her, he/him, they/them, and neopronoun nonbinary people are all valid.
Q: What does agab/afab/amab — dgab/dfab/dmab — cagab/cafab/camab stand for?
A: assigned gender at birth/assigned female at birth/assigned male at birth — designated/gender at birth/designated female at birth/designated male at birth — coercively assigned gender at birth/coercively assigned female at birth/coercively assigned male at birth
agab/dgab/cagab are used in a general manner to talk about the concept of assigning babies a gender at birth. Replacing the g with f/m is for more specific circumstances.
(Please note this is not required information for sending in an ask. If it’s relevant, include it, but your validity doesn’t depend on your agab, and there’s lots of times it can be left out of asks.)
Q: Why are there people saying that terms like “biologically x” and “dxab” are bad?
A: the explanation is actually rather long, so i’ll link you to these four posts. basically, “biologically x” is transphobic, and dxab is often misused in transphobic ways. both contribute to intersex erasure and non-consensual gendering of other people’s bodies.
Q: What is a gender neutral version for *insert name*? What surname would go well with *insert name*?
A: We are not currently providing name suggestions. Here is a post explaining why.
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Q: Are you guys looking for mods?
A: Yes