this is a community like r/AmITheAsshole except unlike that subreddit here you can post interpersonal conflicts, anything that's AITA but is not allowed there even posting about Scar from the lion king and trying to convince redditors that he was not the AH. rules: don't berate others and no pornography we have children here
I've been a long time lurker, never thought I'd need to post anything, but pretty much everyone in my life is telling me I am wrong. I apologize if this is long. I am 55 years old and I've been married for 35 years. I have one child, a daughter who is 32 years old. I will call her Alice, and she has been with John for 10 years, married 4 years. Alice has always wanted children but they held off to for a while to focus on their careers, but she recently told us they were going to start trying to get pregnant.
I love my daughter and feel I have always been a good father to her, but I admit she and my wife have always had a special bond. This past weekend we went out to dinner with some friends and had a few drinks. When we got home we had a few glasses of wine, I point this out because my wife rarely drinks so she is a lightweight. She was tipsy and we were talking about potentially becoming grandparents and she made a comment about Alice's marriage that caught my attention. She said they've "overcome a lot in the marriage" but then stopped herself and didnt continue.
This made me curious because they've only been married 4 years and I wasn't aware of any roadblocks they had run into. Not that they share everything with us. I pressed her on what she meant and finally she confessed that one year into the marriage my daughter cheated with a co-worker. She tearfully confessed this to my wife a week after it happened because she supposedly felt so guilty. She begged her not to say anything and she kept her word until now. I was blown away because I did not think she would ever do something like that. I dont know all the details, she got flirty with a co-worker and eventually they slept together once. Then she stopped it and has apparently been faithful ever since.
I did feel some slight guilt because I knew my wife would not have told me if she was sober and I wonder if I should not have pressed her on it, but I can't undo what I learned. I should now point out that when I was a lot younger I was with someone who cheated on me. I have zero tolerance for cheaters due to that so I might be biased. John is also like a son to me and my wife. She did ask me not to say anything and this confused me. When she had said they had "overcome a lot" and I found out what happened I had assumed John eventually found out and they worked through it. But no, all she meant was that Alice grew as a person and because a better wife.
I didn't push her any further, I let her go to bed. I had not drank as much, I stayed up all night thinking. I decided then and there that either my daughter would have to confess or I would tell John. Not only do I think he has a right to know, but I would never be able to interact with him again in a normal manner knowing this secret. I do love my daughter and I also worry about the potential fallout because she is trying to get pregnant and what if John finds out after the child is born? I feel like he had a right to know. I would not keep it a secret if I found out John cheated on her. The next day was Sunday and I knew I needed to talk to my daughter. My wife was against this, but I did end up having her come over the next day.
It did not go well. First she blew up at her mother for telling me. Then she yelled at me when I told her either she confesses or I am telling John. She said it was none of my business, etc. I disagreed, John is part of the family. She said I would destroy her life if I did this, she'd hate me, etc. She stormed out. Well I did end up telling John and the fallout is tremendous. John packed his bags and left the home the next day and is apparently refusing to try counseling and intends to pursue divorce. Everyone hates me, my daughter hates me, my wife is also not on my wife. All our family members say I overstepped. I've spoken to some of my friends, and they said I blew up my relationship with my daughter over this.
The only one showing me any kindness is john, who thanked me for telling him. My wife isnt on my side and I suspect this is because she was hoping for grandchildren. We both were! I just feel like I didn't blow up their relationship, Alice is the one who cheated and lied. I love her to death and now I wonder if I made the right choice. Should I have just kept this to myself? I have always been friendly with John and we have dinner with them at least once a month, not including holidays or birthdays. I know I could not interact normally around him and so what should I have done? Ban them both from my home without explanation? Never go to their home again? And if they have children my wife will definitely want us over there more often, so I dont think I could hide this. I suck at poker, I cant just fake it. So should I have kept quiet? And I guess also am I wrong for being upset my wife isnt on my side?