We’ve spent $40,000 on IVF. I want to continue, but my partner wants to stop

Penny Wise

Feb 21, 2024 – 5.00am

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Dear Ms Wise, my partner and I have been trying to fall pregnant via IVF, but some $40,000 later, we’ve had no success. My partner wants to stop, citing the emotional and financial costs of this process. But I want to keep going. How can we work this out?

The wisdom: “There’s not much about fertility treatment that isn’t at least tinged with sadness, in my experience,” says Narelle Dickinson, a clinical psychologist who specialises in discussions about fertility.

“No one’s doing fertility treatment because they want it. Everyone would rather be spending their money on something else.”

Deciding when to stop IVF can be very difficult. Michaela Pollock

One in 18 babies in Australia are now born via IVF, with 102,157 IVF cycles performed in Australia in 2021. But not every family is successful, and as the bills pile up, it’s far from uncommon for partners’ ideas on when to stop trying for a baby to diverge, bringing with it another unique form of heartbreak, Dickinson says.

“It’s an issue with a lot of couples because there are differences over how important it is to have a family or extend a family, and also in terms of how they feel about the fertility treatment and the prioritisation of money being spent,” she says.

This has become especially pertinent amid the rising cost of living, Dickinson adds.

How much to spend and how long to keep trying can only be resolved by having compassionate conversations, she says.

“Something that feels as important as having a baby … feels like something that we have to protect with our lives, and so we gridlock down into feeling like we have to be heard and have to get our point across,” she says.

“The problem with this conversation style of, �?I really want to emphasise to you what I’m feeling,’ is that you’re less equipped to listen to what they’re trying to tell you.”

It’s important to remember that if your partner wants to stop, or you want to stop but they don’t, your partner “isn’t trying to hurt you” by having a different opinion.

It’s also worth noting that if money is the chief concern, there are ways to save.

Ideally, a couple will set a clear budget before they begin IVF, and devise a strategy for how they are going to fund it, says David Currie of Wealthy Self.

“We look at existing cash savings available,” he says. “Do they need to liquidate any investment portfolios or redraw from their home loan; can they borrow from the bank of mum and dad; can they access super?

“Clients also need to do their homework to get a very clear price list on the services provided, as there can be additional expenses incurred on top of the treatment cycle.”

Couples should also check the subsidies and rebates on offer in some states.

Medicare rebates are available. For example, while one round of IVF could cost about $10,000, depending on eligibility, Medicare could cover $6000 of that, Currie says.

He says it’s important to also register for the Medicare Safety Net, which kicks in once an individual or family’s “gap” payments have exceeded the relevant thresholds. The current expanded general threshold is $2544.

In some cases, couples can access superannuation on compassionate grounds.

Dickinson adds that while a budget makes sense and is a smart approach, couples need to make sure they’re communicating throughout the process so that they don’t hit their budget and realise one has been hoping they could go beyond it, and the other wants to stop.

All of these conversations need to be approached with kindness, she says.

“[Couples often exit gridlock] when they can hear each other and think, �?OK, there isn’t a compromise position, but we can solve it together, instead of thinking of it as one winning and the other losing.’”

This week’s Penny Wise is written by Lucy Dean.

Got a money-related problem around friends, family and relationships that you need help with? Please email mswise@afr.com. We will get experts to answer your question and keep your name and details anonymous.

This article is for general information purposes only and is not intended to be financial product advice. You should always obtain your own independent advice before making any financial decisions.