Based on your story, I’m not sure that Jenny’s entire story about her mom is bullshit. If not physical abuse, there was definitely emotional abuse.
My sister and brother just had the right personalities to bother my dad. He never hit us or anything like that. He legit tried hard to be good. But he couldn’t empathize with their personalities and just assumed they weren’t trying to be good. Definitely generational trauma too. I’m very easygoing and quiet and was an effortlessly good student. I made parenting very easy on my parents. So expectations for them were high. Sorry. My siblings both have ADD. My brother was also clumsy and definitely has some lasting effects from a few minor concussions that back in the day doctors just waved off but now take a lot more seriously. My sister also has clinical depression. And my dad just didn’t have the tools to handle it. So they were always getting grounded, toys taken away, privileges revoked, stern talking’s to. They learned to lie to get around it. And my dad being a cop always prided himself on being an amazing lie detector (which he wasn’t). So he would get pissed when they’d lie about little things and the punishment would be way higher than needed because it set him off. Which made them want to revel more. They were constantly grounded so getting in trouble again had little meaning. He can’t take away their phone if it’s already taken away. He can just extend the grounding. Which was already like a month for something small.
Anyway, it was too late for my brother. We’re too close in age for me to have grown up, gotten perspective and had a conversation with him and set him straight. But my sister is 12 years younger. He was being the stereotypical, “If you ever bring a boy home, I’ll scare him away with a shotgun” type dad. Real toxic masculinity stuff. So when she was like 15 or 16, she was obviously starting to really talk to boys and he was getting really anxious about it. He wouldn’t let her go to birthday parties if there would be boys there….So I had the talk with him. That his opinion about how boys would treat her reflects really poorly on how I see his opinion of me and my brother. Does he assume we mistreat women? I had a girlfriend all through high school. Did he think that I mistreated her? He had a high school girlfriend that he still talks to. She’s the one that got away. She dumped him. Did he mistreat her? My mom? (Yes, he cheated on her). My stepmom? Is he projecting himself onto all of those high school boys? Are we all monsters? Plus, does he think he did such a poor job with my sister that she doesn’t know how to identify good men? The stereotype is that women tend to be attracted to men who are like the men in their family, so again, did he raise her to pick out bad men? If my brother and I and my dad are bad men, did he not teach her how to avoid men like us?
Plus the more he does this to her, the more she will hide things from him. What if she gets pregnant and doesn’t tell him until it’s too late for an abortion even in California? What if she does make a dumb teenager decision and dates a guy who isn’t good for her and she’s afraid to ask to her dad for advice because she doesn’t know his shotgun comments are jokes and that whatever this boy is doing to her isn’t worth death so she hides it? What if she gets a STD because she is definitely going to have sex since she’s a teenager. If we (me, my brother, and dad) were all having sex in high school, why would we think she won’t be. Takes two to tango. And she doesn’t tell him. What if she goes to a party and drinks alcohol and realizes she’s too drunk to drive but she’s worried her dad will be upset with her so instead she risks driving so that her dad doesn’t find out about the drinking and gets in an accident. Wouldn’t it be better that she’s mature and calls for a ride home and she is rewarded for being responsible? What if it’s drugs instead of alcohol? She’s an athlete and injured her knee. What if a friend at school offers Vicodin and she gets hooked. The opioid crisis isn’t just for junkies.
Anyway, a month later he asked her if she had any boys that she wanted to invite over for the summer bbq and she brought her boyfriend and everyone was cool about it. He was quiet and nice and they dated for 2 years. He then started getting jealous because she was at college and he wasn’t and so she ditched him. And we were proud of her for realizing it and making a mature decision. They’ve all (dad, stepmom, sister) also gone to therapy together. He caught her with weed once and didn’t totally overreact. He kind of blew up, and then apologized the next day (25 years of cop programming) and told her that she needed to wait until she was 21 like the law says in our state. No grounding. No phone removal. And guess what, she stopped lying after a while. It took a bit for her to believe that he had changed. He’s still not perfect. But he sees that it’s way more effective.