In the past three days I have taken over 10,000 cab and Uber rides, traversing every main street, rural route and frontage road that crosses paths with every dusty town, bitter village and federal and state prison in the midwest. And from this I learned the following, heartbreaking news.
Not a single one of these hardworking ferrymen that transported me across 10,000 tributaries of the River Styx between 10,000 weary WalMarts and 10,000 bustling Big Lots have ever heard of Peggy Noonan. None had ever had her in their hack. Yes, they've had their fair share of plowed fares poured into their back seats to be taken home from the local Shenanigan's Lounge, but none fitting her description. Yes they've hosed out upchuck from countless overserved tipplers, but none of the vomitus had been chunky with fancy nouns like "tropism". Nor were any of these worthies subscribed to the Wall Street Journal. Nor did I spot any scraps of the Journal tucked away in any corner of the vehicle
Furthermore, in all my travels, nary a single "Peggy Noonan" lawn sign did I see. In none of the taverns, diners and rest stops where I found respite from the road did I ever hear anyone say, "Hey, have you read the latest from Peggy Noonan?" At none of the motels where I laid my weary head was a complimentary copy of the Wall Street Journal slipped under my door. USA Today? Yes, and sweet Jebus make it stop. But the WSJ? No.
So, based on my extensive, first-hand knowledge of the land where I live -- Middle Murrica -- I can state unequivocally that Midwesterners have no idea who Peggy Noonan is, and, conversely, from her corner stool at a tony Georgetown bar, Peggers has gleaned nothing whatsoever about the lives and loves of the inhabitants of the American Midwest.
Truth be told, I had all but forgotten Peggers. In my mind, if she existed at all, it in a liminal state of semi-existence. I know she hadn't dropped dead in her apartment and been partially eaten by her cats because if that had happened, I'm pretty sure I woulda heard about it. But beyond that, she was Schrodinger's Cat Lady: might be out there, might not, and either way, who cares?
But when Alert Reader "Dexter" sent me a copy of Peggers January 11, 2024 column --
The Voters Finally Get Their Say
Each party seems set to make a big mistake, but a Trump-Biden rematch isn’t yet inevitable.
-- as a 'umble servant of my reader's whims, I felt I had to act. And so began my one million mile trek though the lands of my birth, just to be firm in my facts, and thence back to the Land of Lincoln, and my ancient HP laptop with the wheezy fan, and the words you are reading right now.
But let's get something out of the way first. Since the earliest days of the ARPANET, the mighty Tengrain of Mock Paper Scissors has owned clear title to all matters related to Peggy Noonan. Respect must be paid. Period. Full stop/
Now that that's done, on to the bitter dregs that is all that remains of Ronald Reagan's primary speechwriter, Ms. Peggy Noonan. Or Peggers. Or The Magic Dolphin Lady. Or "She Who Whistled 'Walk On By' Once The Bush Administration's Torture Regime Was Discovered".
Like syphilis, Peggers is known by name names.
And from her corner stool at a tony Georgetown drinkery, through slitted, swollen eyelids Peggers has surveyed this vast land and loathes pretty much everything she imagines she see.
To begin with, Joe Biden is terrible and so is Kamala Harris and everyone knows it!
[Joe Biden is] no longer up to the job, the vice president never was, and this doesn’t go under the heading National Security Secret Number 379, everybody knows...
He's so boring!
His speeches are boring, he never seems sincere, he seems propped up...
And this one, coming from Ronald Reagan's speechwriter, is priceless.
He doesn’t have a tropism toward intellectual content and likes things airy...
...his subject matter isn’t life as most people are experiencing it but something many steps removed.
And so obviously Democrats need to abandon this very successful, incumbent president and immediately go candidate shopping. Maybe Joe Lieberman is still available? Or Chris Christie?
Democrats on the ground should raise a ruckus, issue a mighty roar. They can do better than this.
Then we're on to the Republican party and lemme tell ya --
Republicans similarly shouldn’t accept the inevitability of Donald Trump.
On the debate stage Wednesday Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis were the Bickersons, and seemed smaller.
Then there is a short recitation of Donald Trump's most recent roaring threats and heresies against democracy, after which Pegger wonders aloud:
What is behind a Republican voters’ decision to stick with him?
And here is what she figures must be keeping the otherwise, noble Conservative yeomen farmers and shopkeepers (who make up the base Pegger's imaginary Republican party) from giving up their Trumpist follies and throwing their lot in with Nikki Haley, who Peggers hilariously mis-pronouns:
Mr. Haley is a steely, orderly lady...
No, Ms. Haley is a fluttery windsock of the first order who will fall in line once Trump stomps his way to the nomination and everybody knows it.
Where were we? Oh yes. Why is the meathead base sticking with their Dear Leader? Peggers gives six reasons, all carefully packed in cotton batting to make them sound a whole lot more soft and reasonable than they are.
Hope—he’ll be better than Mr. Biden, he was good until the pandemic and 1/6, but he’s learned.
Pride—you took a lot of guff for past support, you’re not gonna back off now. Identification—he’s a nonelite. Anger—he’s a living rebuke of the system that has produced disorder. Cold calculation—“In a world full of animals, he’s our animal.”
Mischief, sheer humor—his antics make you laugh, and it isn’t a bad feeling to subvert things when you feel what you’re subverting is decadence.
And then she adds
Some other things, I think...
I'll pause until you stop laughing. Yeah. Some other things. Like attributing the (K–Pg) mass extinction event to poor dinosaur work habits, TicTok, the welfare state and Hunter Biden's laptop....and some other things, I think.
What does Peggers omit?
Racism. Paranoia. Racism. +30 years of Conservative media and Republican slash-and-burn politics turning congealing the base into a mob of rage-drunk, reprogrammable meatbags. Homophobia. Xenophobia. Misogyny. And did I mention racism?
Then, like that obligatory little glop of what was technically "applesauce" that used to come with every Swanson frozen Salisbury steak dinner whether you liked it or not...no Beltway pundit round of opinion-having is ever complete without that obligatory little glop of Both Siderism, which I have highlighted for your convenience:
Americans have long used political debate as a distraction from their real lives.
But...but...every Very Serious Person on the planet has been telling me since forever that most Murricans pay no attention to politics at all? Christ Almighty, people, get your bullshit straight!
Anyway, onward:
Once Mr. Trump is in office again you have a job again. When he’s in power he dominates the stage, the national conversation. Everyone is forced to argue about Trump. Your job the next four years is to defend him. It’s a full-time job so you get to ignore your life and what needs fixing in it. These tend to be the hard parts—lost kids, loneliness, job problems. You can’t fix them, you’re too busy saving the nation! You have to avoid them!
The left does this too, maybe more so. But it all got turbocharged in the Trump era.
Finally, Noonan just plain runs out of go-go juice. Sure. Fine. OK. Democracy is in danger --
It has to be kept healthy and operating, which means at this of all times we have to be careful. We have to navigate in a sound and prudent way, we have to steer clear of the rocks.
-- and something must be done.
And while that last sentence sounds like it came straight out of one of President Biden's recent stirring, speeches, it will not surprise you that the limits of Pegger's cramped and besotted imagination begin and end with which flavor of feculent Republicanism should voters choose:
A practical argument would be that whatever the nature or flavor of your conservatism, you surely want to make progress, urgently, with the next Congress. Ron DeSantis or Nikki Haley would come in with the whoosh of the new...
If you need more Noonan, the honor bar at Mock Paper Scissors is always fully stocked. Or, if you wish, you are welcome to root around in my archives for something to your liking. Perhaps this crisp, fall offering from October 23, 2008 in which we find Peggy Noonan playing Tone Cop who is terribly angry at those God damn liberals and those win-at-any-cost Democrats who are silencing debate in this country.
Plus, they're also being rude about it!
As for me, I'm off to make lunch for my wife and myself. Blueberry pancakes, if you must know.
