Yesterday someone asked me if I was mad at them because I’d never accepted their friend request on Goodreads and I was like, “You can get friend requests on Goodreads?“
Y’all.
So then I went through and approved the requests and told everyone on facebook that I was really sorry if I was just now confirming requests that were LITERALLY OVER A DECADE OLD and that I was an idiot, and people were really understanding but also several mentioned that this explained why today their ENTIRE goodreads page was just pages of thousands of “JENNY LAWSON IS NOW FRIENDS WITH THIS PERSON” notifications. So not only do people now know that I waited 12 years to friend them but also they know I am just as irresponsible with everyone else as well.
Sigh.
I’m sorry. I’m bad at things.
But when searching for the “friend request” stuff I also discovered that apparently I’m one of the “top 100 book reviewers”, which is really surprising considering that my reviews are just like, “This book will probably win awards but it was so confusing it made me mad so I need someone smarter to explain it to me” or ” or “How hard of a concussion do I need to give myself to forget this book so I can experience it again for the first time?” or “Two words: MURDER OWLS.”
Speaking of murder owls, this month’s book pick if you’re in the Nightmares from Nowhere Book Club is The Parliament by Aimee Pokwatka. It’s about murder owls. Like if Romero got bored with zombies and decided to focus on owls instead, this would be that story. Also, it’s a locked-room horror that takes place in a library, which seems like a pretty great place to be holed up in to outlast the murder owls, but I guess that depends on how you feel about libraries.
(I don’t know what Hunter S. Thomcat is staring at, but I can only assume murder owls are coming.)
The Djinn Waits a Hundred Years is a gorgeously haunting, atmospheric book about a ruined South African gothic mansion by the sea and the strange misfits who inhabit it. It reads like a movie and it reminded a little of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn but just in tone rather than subject. So weird. So good.
I also have dreams where I write the funniest joke ever and I rush to write it down but in the morning it’s just a random words or drawing of a bow-legged chicken. Dream me is easily impressed, I guess.
Today is my birthday and I was going to write something about getting older but then I decided that I think I’d rather just go read a book so that is exactly what I’m going to do and if you would like to get me a birthday present then my request is that you do something lovely for yourself today. Go read or sit outside or hug a friend or binge watch Succession or knit your cats hats or whatever sounds amazing to you.
Happy birthday. We all win.
PS. If you spent your holiday money on signed books, THANK YOU! I’ve been hermity lately but I’m going to Nowhere this weekend to personalize all of them and possibly frame you for fascinating crimes. And if you’ve been waiting to order one for yourself, Nowhere is giving 20% off today through the end of the year. See below.
You can see it embedded below and please forgive my shaky hands. I didn’t realize it was that bad until I rewatched it. :/ Anxiety is a bitch. It gets much less shaky as soon as I start reading so feel free to look away until then.
Hello and welcome to the FOURTEENTH ANNUAL James Garfield Miracle! WHAT?!
“What is the James Garfield Miracle?” you ask.
You must be new here. WELCOME.
So! 14 years ago I walked into an estate sale and fell in love with an ancient taxidermied boars head that seemed so damn happy to see me.
I did not buy him and spent a week in light mourning. Then the next week A MIRACLE HAPPENED and James Garfield came into my life forever. (I’m staring at him right now, in fact and he is still magnificent.)
But Victor wasn’t completely thrilled that we’d spent $90 on a literal Christmas miracle of mangey fur and missing teeth so I decided that I’d make holiday cards of James Garfieldto make up for it and if I sold a couple dozen it’d be like James Garfield was making us money.
But then everyone went crazy and James Garfield made more that week than I did in my actual job and so I decided that I’d take all the money James Garfield made and use it to give presents to the kids of people who were struggling that year because I have been there in the past myself. And I bought gifts for the first 30 something people and then I ran out of money but then suddenly everyone in the comments were like, “I WANT TO HELP A STRANGER IN NEED! LET ME BUY A GIFT FOR SOMEONE” and that’s how this suddenly became 14th years of a strange community project of strangers helping strangers anonymously and it’s pretty damn amazing.
Over the years we’ve had many different iterations of the James Garfield Miracle and the only real downside is that occassionally a scammer would slip in and ask for stuff for themselves, so we decided to go back to the basics and just give out teddy bears. Why? Because everyone loves teddy bears (hell, I love teddy bears) and if someone is going to go to the trouble to make an entire wishlist account for a teddy bear they definitely need one.
So this year I am sending out 150+ teddy bears to kids right here.
That’s it. Just sweet, snuggly teddy bears. Well, not just teddy bears because the teddy bears have eyes that babies can swallow (stop swallowing eyes, weird babies) so I’m also adding a few other stuffed animals you can choose from if you have an eye-devouring baby or your child has a bear phobia or Amazon sells out of teddy bears.
But that’s it. Simple. Easy. Not perfect because in a perfect world everyone would get everything they need, but I’d like to imagine that even people who may be disappointed that we’re just doing stuffed animals will at least be happy imagining all the kids finding unexpected fluffy new stuffed animals in their arms this holiday. It makes me smile, at least.
So, if you are struggling this year and you need help getting your child a present for Christmas/ (late) Hanukkah/winter solstice/whateveryoucelebrate then I am ready to Santa Claus it up and drop one lovely plushie at your doorstep. And I will walk you through how to get one anonymously.
Here are the links for the plushes you can pick from. Choose the one that best works for your kid:
Gund pandacorn (This was the llamacorn but I think we bought all of their stock available so I’m changing it today -Tuesday- to the pandacorn that will come in before xmas.)
Stuffed lobster (Hailey assures me that kids love lobsters?)
15.7 inch Puffer Fish ?? (Listen. Hailey picked this one and it looks ridiculous, but apparently it’s the good kind of ridiculous? Shit. I don’t know how kids work, y’all.)
Currently these are all between $12-$20 each but Amazon can be wonky about changing up the prices when things start to run low so if I see that happening I’ll come back here to add other choices to choose from to replace any that sell out or suddenly skyrocket in price from $20 to $180. (Wtf, Amazon?) If I haven’t bought you a stuffy it’s probably because they sold out, jacked up the price, or you forgot to add your address so just come back and try again.
(Also, I use a lot of the profits I make on ads and stuff to buy toys for kids, and all of the royalties from the 2024 Bloggess Calendar go to this as well, so that means that if you’ve even clicked on a link this year or bought an ad then you are the reason why I’m going to be able to buy toys for at least 150 kids this year. That is amazing and I’m so grateful. Thank you!)
The wishlists should be posted in the comments so (as always) if you want to buy a present for a stranger you totally can. Or you can donate to Project Night Night, an amazing organization that provides a tote bag, book, stuffed animal and security blanket to displaced kids throughout the year. They are FANTASTIC and they have more requests than they can fill so I cannot recommend them enough. In fact, this afternoon I donated $500 to them in your name. Happy holidays!
SO…if you want in on this you have to read all the directions and stick to the rules or otherwise you will be set on fire and pushed out a moving plane. Or maybe I’ll just delete your comment and look at you with that disappointed look your mom gives you when she knows you’re trying but are still fucking up. One of those. Here are the rules:
IF YOU WANT TO GIVE:
Okay, how do I do this?
You are my special angel. Just look in the comments and find someone who has an unfilled Wishlist. I’m going to fill least 150 stuffed animal wishes but there are always more than I can handle. (If there’s nothing on their list when you click it it means their toy was already bought- yay!) Buy their present and make sure when you check out that you select their shipping address instead of defaulting to yours. (It won’t give you their full address but it’ll tell you the town you’re shipping it to so you can compare it to their comment to make sure you have the right person.) If you try to fill a wishlist but it doesn’t give you a shipping address to choose that means the person didn’t assign a shipping address to their list so delete their present out of your cart and go on to the next wishlist. If it says “these are duplicates. Someone else may have already bought this” when you try to check out then someone else has already bought that stuff so delete it and try another one. I’ll update the comments as I can to note which ones have been filled but it can get a bit backlogged when I’m in the car or sleeping. 🙂 Please do not fill any wishlists that don’t say the city the person lives in the comments, or any wishlists where the person doesn’t stick to the rules, please. (This is one way we make sure that people are who they say they are while still giving them anonymity.)
But what if I don’t live in America?
Check the comments because we often have Canadians and others outside the US who need help and I can’t fill those lists because shipping kills me, so if you want to adopt a family this is a great way to do it.
IF YOU NEED HELP:
You are my special angel. Here are the things you have to know and if you do them wrong you’ll get deleted so read carefully, okay?: You have to make a BRAND NEW wishlist today, you can only choose one stuffed animal per child to put on your wishlist, and it has to be one of the ones above. I’ll walk you through it below. Then just come to this post and leave a comment telling us the city and State you’re in (this location has to match what you have on your wishlist), how many kids you have, and a link to your wishlist. Do not make multiple wish lists. Just make one. One of the most important things (people do this wrong every year so PLEASE do this part right) is that you have to assign a shipping address for this specific brand new wishlist. It doesn’t matter if you’ve done it before or think it’s on your profile. You have to do it for this new wishlist specifically today or it won’t work. I’ll give you the details on setting up the wishlist below.
What if I want to make wish lists to surprise other people who I think need help?
Nope. Because then we end up sending multiple things to the same people. But you can totally encourage them to go online and make their own. This is for anyone struggling to get a toy for their child this holiday (and yes, that totally includes teens and adult children with special needs).
I’ve never done this before. How do I make a wishlist?
On Amazon, click on “Accounts & Lists” (on the top right) and then on “Create a list”on the drop-down.
Name it “James Garfield 2023” then choose “create list”. This will give you a blank private wishlist with nothing on it.
On the right you’ll see something that says “…More“. Click on that and choose “Manage list.” Change “private” to “PUBLIC” so we can see it. In the “description” part just put how many kids your list is for. YOU MUST ADD YOUR ADDRESS FOR THIS SPECIFIC LISTso click on the drop-down for the shipping address and change it from “none” to your address. PLEASE DON’T SKIP THIS PART. Please make sure that the checkboxes “keep purchased items on your list” and “don’t spoil my surprises” are NOT selected. Now go back and double check everything in this paragraph. Is it all good? Awesome! Click “Save changes”.
Now just go pick one of the above stuffed lovies for your kiddo. When you have the one you want click on the “Add to list” drop down arrow on the right (it’s under where the price is) and then select your “James Garfield 2023” list. Click “view your list” to make sure it’s added. If everything is right you should have your stuffed animal(s) on the wishlist page and when you click on the “…more” button it should say that your wishlist is public and your address should show up in the “…more” box and “don’t spoil my surprises” and “keep purchased items on your list” should NOT be checked. (People will see the city and state you are in but your last name and the rest of your address is hidden from everyone else.)
If you have another kid just go back to the list and pick a present for them and add it to the same list.
Copy the link to your wishlist. Now you go to the comments below and leave a comment saying how many kids you have, what city and state you are in, and a paste in the link to your wishlist. That’s it!
PS. Please please please double check before you hit the submit button that you have assigned a shipping address to your wishlist, that it’s “public” and that your comment has a link to your wishlist, the city and state you live it and the number of kids you have. Love!
PPS. This is one of my favorite things to do each year but it isn’t perfect. Every year some boxes go missing. Some get delivered after Christmas. Miscommunications happen. But I’d rather try to do something small and wonderful even if it isn’t perfect. Thank you to every single person who asks for help, to every single person to who helps and especially to those who have done both. Every year we have people who’ve been helped before who are so happy to help this year, or people who’ve helped before but now need help themselves. I know what it feels like to be in both of those places and I’m wishing love and light to every single person who reads this.
PPPS. When you choose something for your wishlist make sure it still says “delivers before xmas” because some of the things may sell out and not restock in time. 🙂 As of the time I’m writing this all the stuffed animals arrive before xmas but if they start to sell out and have to restock it might cause your stuff to come in later.
PPPPS. If you’re having a problem leaving a comment you can go to my James Garfield instagram post and let me know and I can try to help.
Last week I got lots of emails from people inside the book industry congratulating me on news that they probably were very confused that I wasn’t talking about, because when “normal” people sign a book deal they’ve been working on forever they immediately announce it everywhere BECAUSE IT’S SO EXCITING.
And it is exciting because I’m finally working on a new book and I’m so thrilled about it and I can’t wait for you to read it! (Especially since I’m not finished writing it yet so if you are reading it that will mean I’m done writing and second-guessing and re-writing and all the lonely, terrible and wonderful work that comes along with creating.)
But…there’s always a “but”…isn’t there? When it came time to announce it last week I was in the middle of a really deep depression. I felt numb and exhausted and all of the joy I had about sharing this new creation was muffled under the weight of depression. And every time I tried to write something about the book I felt like I was pretending to be happy about something that I genuinely am ecstatic about but that I couldn’t feel properly, and the cognitive dissonance and guilt of being miserable while I should have been thrilled was making it even worse.
Announcing a book deal when it first gets press is important, because it can help steamroll excitement and get attention, but I didn’t want to pretend to be happy when I was absolutely not myself so I reached out to my editor and agent and told them I was struggling and that I didn’t think I could announce it properly the way it deserved that week, and they told me I was contractually obligated to be happy, that they were disappointed in me, and that they would hate me forever if I didn’t follow the exact formula for announcing a book, and that I had ruined both Christmas and Hanukkah.
Wait…no. That was just what my depression was telling me they would say. Instead they said that it was no big deal at all, and that they had my back, and that they were so glad I felt comfortable sharing, and that it could absolutely wait until I was myself again.
And today I am. Or at least, I’m about 70% of normal, but when you only have 70% to give and you give 70% you gave 100%. This is how mental illness math works. Hence, this strange post that is a week late but is weirdly fitting because the book that I’m writing is about all of the hacks and tools and stories that I’ve learned (and keep learning) that keep me going even when my brain tries to get the best of me.
I’m incredibly lucky to have a community of people around me who understand and who support me (if you’re reading this you are a part of that community) and I am forever reminded that people understand more that we expect them too, that the lies depression tells us are not to be believed, and that it’s okay to follow your own path…even if it looks strange to everyone else around you who may never understand the twisted but unique courses that our diverse brains lead us through.
So this is a tip from me to you in honor of the book that’s coming:
Trust that people care more than you think.
Trust that things will work out eventually, even if your timeline looks different from everyone elses.
Trust that being honest about your vulnerabilities is scary, but it gives others the opportunity to be vulnerable with theirs.
Trust that people will show up for you when you’re ready.
Trust that the lies depression tells you are lies.
That actually ended up being 5 tips. Sorry. My ADHD meds just kicked in. And suddenly the post I struggled to write even a sentence of last week is way too long and rambly.
But I’ll take it.
PS. Spellcheck is telling me “rambly” is not a word, because apparently spellcheck has never read my work before.
PPS. There’s been a wordpress glitch that kept people from commenting but I saw a lot of people saying that it’s fixed for them now and they can finally comment again. If you’re still having a problem, email me with details.
Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.
The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”. Often irreverent, always honest.
Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.
Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.
Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.
Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.
How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.
Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic
Sarah Linn on Medium: Humorist or unstable person with an internet connection? You decide.
Uncommon Creatures Digital Portraits: Animal art inspired by Earth’s most magical creatures. Got your own beloved pet you’d like to memorialize? Have no fear… let me turn your fur-baby into a work of art.
The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.
