They arrived at the pearly gates and Saint Peter met the first man and said, “You lived a good life, were honest in your dealings, generous to others, I will go get you your reward.” He returned in a few minutes with a drop dead beautiful woman and announced, “This is your eternal reward.”

Saint Peter then turned to the next man and said, “You were a wicked, cheating, no good man, I’ll be back with your reward.” He returned a few minutes later with a nasty woman, half her hair missing, only a few rotting teeth, and announced, “This is your eternal reward.”

The final man anxiously looked to Saint Peter who only shook his head at him and said, “I’ll be back.” He returned with an even more beautiful woman than the first! The man exclaimed, “Wow, was I really that righteous?” Saint Peter then turned to the woman while pointing to the man and said to her, “And here is your eternal reward.”

(Edited for grammar)

A bartender walks into the Catholic church around the corner and enters the confessional. The window slides open and the bartender says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been 15 years since my last confession." The priest says, "And how have you sinned my son?"

The bartender says, "I have betrayed the sacred obligation of my craft, which is to listen with an open heart to the woes of others and to offer solace and wise counsel. I have been listening to people's troubles for so long, I just can't do it any more, so lately I have been pretending to listen and responding automatically with rote platitudes. I feel so guilty. I don't know what to do."

After a long silence, the bartender said, "Father? Are you there?"

"Sorry, what was that again?"

A lady buys a lie detecting robot. If you tell a lie around it, it slaps you; hard. She goes home and places it on the dining room table.

That night, the family is having dinner at the table, and the her husband looks over at their teenage son and asks "Son, what did you do all day while we were at work?".

The son replies "Oh nothing, just... watched movies.".

The father says "Okay... wait, were you watching porn?".

The son tells him "What? No, I wasn't watching porn!".

The robot slaps the kid right out of his chair.

The father, outraged, says "When I was your age I never watched porn!".

The robot slaps the father right out of his chair.

The mother, laughing and pointing at her husband, says "Well, he's your son alright!".

The robot slaps her right out of her chair.