Remember this? It was very popular, and had a very positive effect on society: in fact more than one man has approached me in public to thank me for my advice and tell me that it was my blog that was helping him to not rape people in almost all normal social situations.
But look: recent developments have shown me that rape isn't the only problem plaguing today's safety-conscious young gentleman: the sad lack of impulse-control that we boys carry as the curse of our birth causes all kinds of problems, many of them not even tangentially rape-related. And so it is that I think now is a good time to offer an extension to my earlier lesson, and hereby present:
THE HANDY GUIDE TO NOT BURNING PEOPLE IN SEVEN EASY STEPS
1. If you see a person, don't set them on fire.
2. If you have a lighter or a box of matches, or find one on the floor or stuck between your couch cushions, don't use it to set a person on fire.
3. If you have hired a person to provide entertainment for you and/or your friends, don't set them on fire.
4. If you are sitting around at a loose end and you think, "I reckon a good idea would be to set someone on fire", don't.
5. If you are a professional footballer looking to relax after a long hard season, and go out for a few drinks and some fun with your teammates, try to remember the golden rule of fun: setting fire to people is not an example of it. If you need to, make a note of it in the "notes" application on your smartphone, or write it in texta on your arm. Some people like to get tattoos on their hands or stomach reading, "IT IS NOT FUN TO SET FIRE TO PEOPLE", but it doesn't always require such extreme measures - whatever works for you is the method you should go with. The main thing is that, at any given time, if someone asks you, "Do you think you would enjoy setting fire to a person?" you are able to clearly and confidently say, "No I do not. That would be stupid."
6. If a person asks you to please set them on fire, even if they ask very politely, say, "No thank you".
7. If you see a person, still don't set them on fire.
There you go! Easy, isn't it? I'm sure you'll be not setting people on fire in no time, with a bit of determination and study. Happy not-fire-setting everyone!
Showing posts with label rape. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rape. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Sunday, October 9, 2011
How Not To Rape People Part 2: How Not To Be Raped
Hello there. Many of you in the me-reading community may remember this post, in which I enumerated a few simple, easy-to-follow tips on how to avoid raping people, for the benefit of those many millions of young men who were finding it difficult to not rape anyone for any significant length of time. It was a great success: many readers wrote to me to let me know that they had greatly reduced their raping-people rate, and in some cases, incredibly, stopped raping altogether.
This was very gratifying, of course, but I have recently come to the realisation that my job was only half-finished. I had addressed one side of the equation - men - but what of the other side? What of women? I guess it was the commonsense, firm-yet-fair, down-to-earth, nitty-gritty, wise advice provided to young women by NSW Police Commissioner Andrew Scipione that brought this home to me. His sage council to young women to tell their friends if they plan to have sex, so their friends can stop them having sex if they don't want to, or help them have sex if they do want to, or join in if a passing video producer pays them to, really drove home to me how neglectful I've been.
Sure, I thought to myself, I've provided useful advice to men on how to stop being rapists, but what about women? Don't they need useful advice too? After all, as Paul Mercurio tells us, it takes two to tango, and likewise doesn't it also take two to rape? I'm pretty sure it does - you never see the headline "Man rapes nobody" in the papers - and so I feel I should apologise for my oversight. But nobody can ever accuse me of being a man who doesn't correct his oversights, and so I hereby present:
HOW NOT TO BE RAPED: A HANDY GUIDE FOR MODERN WOMEN AND ALSO THEIR FRIENDS
1. When you meet a rapist, try to stay away from him.
2. Learn to idenfity rapists. You can do this through some canny questioning. Like for example you could ask, "Are you a rapist?" If the rapist is clever he'll see through that though, so you might have to ask more subtle questions, like, "Would you like me to have some Milo?" or "Are you a professional football team?"
3. Avoid men in general. Most women are raped by men, so it's important that a woman who doesn't want to be raped stays well away from men. It's a bit like cats and meat: if a piece of meat walked into a cat's mouth, would you blame the cat for eating it? Like in The Empire Strikes Back, when they fly into that alien thing's mouth. Do you blame the alien for swallowing the Millennium Falcon? No, it is Princess Leia's fault for wearing that bikini. That's an important lesson to remember. If you, as a woman, choose to conduct your activites in the same location as men, you must accept the consequences. If you're going to hang around penises, don't be surprised when penises do what penises do. Men in general have poor impulse control and will under most circumstances have sex three or four times a day whether they want to or not. If you HAVE to associate with a man, for business reasons or because he is your father, wear a wetsuit.
4. Don't be unconscious.
5. Keep an eye on your drink. Research shows a lot of women are raped after leaving their drink unguarded, or as this is known in legal terms, "consenting to sexual intercourse". If YOU don't want to be raped, make sure you have an eye on your drink at ALL times, and avoid flirtatiously allowing strangers to drop pills in it. Even better, drink from a bottle. Or don't drink at all - koalas gain all their hydration from eucalyptus leaves, and koalas are rarely considered slutty. Except that one who died of chlamydia. Point is, if you avoid drinking fluids of any kind, you can avoid that awkward situation where a reasonable person might interpret your unknowingly ingesting a foreign substance which renders you incapable of resistance to violent sexual acts as something of a "come-on".
6. Dress appropriately. Studies show that over 90% of rape victims were raped when wearing some kind of "clothing", which strongly suggests that clothing plays a massive part in rapists' selection of their victims, or "partners", as they are called when wearing midriff tops. It is important that any woman who doesn't want to be raped avoids wearing any type of clothing that sends the message that she is "up for it". This is difficult, obviously, because as noted above, if a woman wasn't up for it why would she be hanging around near men anyway, knowing full well that men like to have sex? But as long as a woman avoids wearing low-cut tops, short skirts, short shorts, tight jeans, figure-hugging sweaters, loose sweaters, long skirts, skivvies, baggy pants, neck-to-knee swimming costumes, policewoman uniforms, or any item of clothing that provides any clue as to the woman's general shape, she can be fairly certain that her behaviour will be considered only conditional consent by the legal system. Which ties nicely into the next point.
7. Do not draw attention to your femininity. Most people who raped women admit that before raping the woman, they wanted to rape a woman. It is therefore vital when out in public that women don't make a big deal about being a woman. Try not to act too much like a woman - don't go around washing dishes or shopping. It can be a good idea to strap your breasts down and cut your hair short in an attempt to pass as a petite teenage boy. But some people consider that extreme - it's more important just to direct conversation away from the fact you are a woman. If you see a man lurking nearby, try to ward him off by casually remarking, "Goodness, I'm having a nice time out today - it's probably my lack of oestrogen making me feel so good"; or, "I wonder what having a vagina is like, because I certainly don't know!" In fact it is always VITAL to prevent people's focus being directed toward your vagina - reputable opinion polls indicate over 60% of people consider a rape victim was "asking for it" if she was found to be in deliberate possession of a vagina.
8. Don't go out alone. I mean this is pretty self-evident unless you're a prostitute, but I thought I'd throw it in.
9. Don't be a prostitute.
10. Make your intentions clear. If you don't want a man to have sex with you, say, "I would not like to have sex with you, thank you." If he still wants to have sex with you, say, "No, really, I do not want to." If he persists, shout "NO!" and knee him in the testicles. If he doesn't get the message, scream for help and try to run away. If, after all, this, he still ends up having sex with you - well you obviously weren't clear enough, try harder next time.
If young women take these tips on board and follow them closely, then I feel confident that with a little bit of commonsense and community spirit, we can move towards a future where young women don't feel unsafe when they leave the house, young men don't feel guilty for their perfectly normal biological urges/crimes, and the heinous act of rape is eliminated from our society except for those times when really what else would you expect?
Happy not being raped!
This was very gratifying, of course, but I have recently come to the realisation that my job was only half-finished. I had addressed one side of the equation - men - but what of the other side? What of women? I guess it was the commonsense, firm-yet-fair, down-to-earth, nitty-gritty, wise advice provided to young women by NSW Police Commissioner Andrew Scipione that brought this home to me. His sage council to young women to tell their friends if they plan to have sex, so their friends can stop them having sex if they don't want to, or help them have sex if they do want to, or join in if a passing video producer pays them to, really drove home to me how neglectful I've been.
Sure, I thought to myself, I've provided useful advice to men on how to stop being rapists, but what about women? Don't they need useful advice too? After all, as Paul Mercurio tells us, it takes two to tango, and likewise doesn't it also take two to rape? I'm pretty sure it does - you never see the headline "Man rapes nobody" in the papers - and so I feel I should apologise for my oversight. But nobody can ever accuse me of being a man who doesn't correct his oversights, and so I hereby present:
HOW NOT TO BE RAPED: A HANDY GUIDE FOR MODERN WOMEN AND ALSO THEIR FRIENDS
1. When you meet a rapist, try to stay away from him.
2. Learn to idenfity rapists. You can do this through some canny questioning. Like for example you could ask, "Are you a rapist?" If the rapist is clever he'll see through that though, so you might have to ask more subtle questions, like, "Would you like me to have some Milo?" or "Are you a professional football team?"
3. Avoid men in general. Most women are raped by men, so it's important that a woman who doesn't want to be raped stays well away from men. It's a bit like cats and meat: if a piece of meat walked into a cat's mouth, would you blame the cat for eating it? Like in The Empire Strikes Back, when they fly into that alien thing's mouth. Do you blame the alien for swallowing the Millennium Falcon? No, it is Princess Leia's fault for wearing that bikini. That's an important lesson to remember. If you, as a woman, choose to conduct your activites in the same location as men, you must accept the consequences. If you're going to hang around penises, don't be surprised when penises do what penises do. Men in general have poor impulse control and will under most circumstances have sex three or four times a day whether they want to or not. If you HAVE to associate with a man, for business reasons or because he is your father, wear a wetsuit.
4. Don't be unconscious.
5. Keep an eye on your drink. Research shows a lot of women are raped after leaving their drink unguarded, or as this is known in legal terms, "consenting to sexual intercourse". If YOU don't want to be raped, make sure you have an eye on your drink at ALL times, and avoid flirtatiously allowing strangers to drop pills in it. Even better, drink from a bottle. Or don't drink at all - koalas gain all their hydration from eucalyptus leaves, and koalas are rarely considered slutty. Except that one who died of chlamydia. Point is, if you avoid drinking fluids of any kind, you can avoid that awkward situation where a reasonable person might interpret your unknowingly ingesting a foreign substance which renders you incapable of resistance to violent sexual acts as something of a "come-on".
6. Dress appropriately. Studies show that over 90% of rape victims were raped when wearing some kind of "clothing", which strongly suggests that clothing plays a massive part in rapists' selection of their victims, or "partners", as they are called when wearing midriff tops. It is important that any woman who doesn't want to be raped avoids wearing any type of clothing that sends the message that she is "up for it". This is difficult, obviously, because as noted above, if a woman wasn't up for it why would she be hanging around near men anyway, knowing full well that men like to have sex? But as long as a woman avoids wearing low-cut tops, short skirts, short shorts, tight jeans, figure-hugging sweaters, loose sweaters, long skirts, skivvies, baggy pants, neck-to-knee swimming costumes, policewoman uniforms, or any item of clothing that provides any clue as to the woman's general shape, she can be fairly certain that her behaviour will be considered only conditional consent by the legal system. Which ties nicely into the next point.
7. Do not draw attention to your femininity. Most people who raped women admit that before raping the woman, they wanted to rape a woman. It is therefore vital when out in public that women don't make a big deal about being a woman. Try not to act too much like a woman - don't go around washing dishes or shopping. It can be a good idea to strap your breasts down and cut your hair short in an attempt to pass as a petite teenage boy. But some people consider that extreme - it's more important just to direct conversation away from the fact you are a woman. If you see a man lurking nearby, try to ward him off by casually remarking, "Goodness, I'm having a nice time out today - it's probably my lack of oestrogen making me feel so good"; or, "I wonder what having a vagina is like, because I certainly don't know!" In fact it is always VITAL to prevent people's focus being directed toward your vagina - reputable opinion polls indicate over 60% of people consider a rape victim was "asking for it" if she was found to be in deliberate possession of a vagina.
8. Don't go out alone. I mean this is pretty self-evident unless you're a prostitute, but I thought I'd throw it in.
9. Don't be a prostitute.
10. Make your intentions clear. If you don't want a man to have sex with you, say, "I would not like to have sex with you, thank you." If he still wants to have sex with you, say, "No, really, I do not want to." If he persists, shout "NO!" and knee him in the testicles. If he doesn't get the message, scream for help and try to run away. If, after all, this, he still ends up having sex with you - well you obviously weren't clear enough, try harder next time.
If young women take these tips on board and follow them closely, then I feel confident that with a little bit of commonsense and community spirit, we can move towards a future where young women don't feel unsafe when they leave the house, young men don't feel guilty for their perfectly normal biological urges/crimes, and the heinous act of rape is eliminated from our society except for those times when really what else would you expect?
Happy not being raped!
Friday, November 5, 2010
How To Not Rape People: SPECIAL NRL EDITION
Some of you might remember a handy guide to avoiding being a rapist that I posted a little while ago.
Many people found this extremely helpful in their own lives as they struggled to find a way to not rape people. However, unfortunately it has come to my notice that the original guide was far too narrow in its scope. Recent events have shown that certain segments of the wider community need the Guide to be adapted to their special needs. With that in mind,
I therefore here present:
THE HANDY GUIDE TO NOT RAPING PEOPLE IN SEVEN EASY STEPS (special NRL edition)
1. When you meet a dog who doesn't want to have sex with you, don't have sex with it.
2. When you meet a dog who wants to have sex with one of your friends, remember the golden rule: You Are A Different Person To Your Friends. Maybe this handy mnemonic can help: Yentl Acted As Ducks Probed Three Yucky Frenchmen. This will help you remember that a dog who wants to have sex with one person does not necessarily want to have sex with every person it meets. Confusing, I know; what can I say - political correctness, etc. Also, you should probably tell your friend not have sex with the dog, because it is a dog.
3. If you meet a dog who DOES want to have sex with you, but then a bit later it says it'd rather not, don't have sex with it. Again, pretty confusing, I know, but it's due to a special Scientific Fact: sometimes dogs change their minds. Like, remember the time you wanted a kebab, but then you thought no, I'll have a hamburger instead? It's a bit like that, only with sex. Also, there is another Scientific Fact: dogs can't talk, so if a dog tells you it wants to have sex with you, you're probably hallucinating. It's best not to have sex with anything while hallucinating.
4. When you meet a dog who is unconscious, don't have sex with it. This is true even if it was drinking before. I may be delving into some fairly arcane theory here, but scientists have discovered there is actually technically a difference between "drinking a lot of alcohol" and "saying yes I want to have sex with you". This difference is especially pronounced when dealing with dogs. In fact, even when dogs are conscious, don't have sex with them.
5. When you go home with a dog, try not to have sex with it until after it says it'd like to. Which it won't, because it's a dog. Even if the dog followed you home of its own volition, follow this role.
6. Practise not having sex with dogs. I know it's hard - sometimes you just look down and it's like, whoops, I'm having sex with this dog, how did that happen? But I bet with a bit of concentration and discipline, you can actually manage to avoid having sex with someone, even when they're in the same room as you and they have four legs and a tail and fur. It's true! Anyone can do it! Why, last week I met at least five dogs who I actually didn't have sex with, without causing myself any particularly severe internal injuries.
7. When you meet a dog who doesn't want to have sex with you, don't have sex with it. I realise I already said this one, but that was five steps ago, and I have a feeling some of you guys might have slightly short attention spans.
Phew! All bases covered! I feel we probably avoided a pretty bad crisis here.
Many people found this extremely helpful in their own lives as they struggled to find a way to not rape people. However, unfortunately it has come to my notice that the original guide was far too narrow in its scope. Recent events have shown that certain segments of the wider community need the Guide to be adapted to their special needs. With that in mind,
I therefore here present:
THE HANDY GUIDE TO NOT RAPING PEOPLE IN SEVEN EASY STEPS (special NRL edition)
1. When you meet a dog who doesn't want to have sex with you, don't have sex with it.
2. When you meet a dog who wants to have sex with one of your friends, remember the golden rule: You Are A Different Person To Your Friends. Maybe this handy mnemonic can help: Yentl Acted As Ducks Probed Three Yucky Frenchmen. This will help you remember that a dog who wants to have sex with one person does not necessarily want to have sex with every person it meets. Confusing, I know; what can I say - political correctness, etc. Also, you should probably tell your friend not have sex with the dog, because it is a dog.
3. If you meet a dog who DOES want to have sex with you, but then a bit later it says it'd rather not, don't have sex with it. Again, pretty confusing, I know, but it's due to a special Scientific Fact: sometimes dogs change their minds. Like, remember the time you wanted a kebab, but then you thought no, I'll have a hamburger instead? It's a bit like that, only with sex. Also, there is another Scientific Fact: dogs can't talk, so if a dog tells you it wants to have sex with you, you're probably hallucinating. It's best not to have sex with anything while hallucinating.
4. When you meet a dog who is unconscious, don't have sex with it. This is true even if it was drinking before. I may be delving into some fairly arcane theory here, but scientists have discovered there is actually technically a difference between "drinking a lot of alcohol" and "saying yes I want to have sex with you". This difference is especially pronounced when dealing with dogs. In fact, even when dogs are conscious, don't have sex with them.
5. When you go home with a dog, try not to have sex with it until after it says it'd like to. Which it won't, because it's a dog. Even if the dog followed you home of its own volition, follow this role.
6. Practise not having sex with dogs. I know it's hard - sometimes you just look down and it's like, whoops, I'm having sex with this dog, how did that happen? But I bet with a bit of concentration and discipline, you can actually manage to avoid having sex with someone, even when they're in the same room as you and they have four legs and a tail and fur. It's true! Anyone can do it! Why, last week I met at least five dogs who I actually didn't have sex with, without causing myself any particularly severe internal injuries.
7. When you meet a dog who doesn't want to have sex with you, don't have sex with it. I realise I already said this one, but that was five steps ago, and I have a feeling some of you guys might have slightly short attention spans.
Phew! All bases covered! I feel we probably avoided a pretty bad crisis here.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
How Not To Rape People: A Handy Guide For Modern Men And Footballers
In my perusings of the modern media landscape, a worrying trend has come to my attention: young men who apparently just can't stop having non-consensual sex with others. It's a tricky problem, and one to which there are, clearly, no easy solutions. I mean, it's all very well to say "No means no", but as popular ex-footballer/arachnid Peter "Spida" Everitt says, when a girl goes home with a guy at 3am, it's not for a cup of Milo. So we can see there are two sides to every story: on the one hand, a young lady might feel violated, but on the other hand, why do these women keep going round to strangers' houses in the hopes of having some Milo? Why don't they buy their OWN Milo? Young people today, I ask you.
The point is, as a man myself, I know how hard it can sometimes be to not be a rapist. Masculine identity is so ill-defined these days, what with the sexual revolution, feminism, meggings and so on: it's so difficult to know what women want: do they want us to hold the door open and pay for dinner, or do they want us to wait until they're blind drunk and have sex with them against their will? How can we tell? After all, as ABC The Drum commenter "James" says in response to an article by Lauren Rosewarne, "Why are young women so strange?"
Indeed, why? When young women are free to go around being strange all over the place, how can men be expected to know how to behave? This is why we see so many comments around the internet along the lines of "Why do these women put themselves in this situation what do they expect they are just after bragging rights they can't change their minds after the fact I agree with Kerri-Anne Kennerly"?
When people start agreeing with Kerri-Anne Kennerly, society has gone too far, and this is why I have prepared, for the benefit of my fellow man and also people who play football, a Handy Guide To Not Raping People. Feel free to print it out and keep it in your shirt pocket, men, so next time you find yourself in an awkward situation where it seems you have no choice but to rape someone, you can check the guide and gracefully extricate yourself from the sticky predicament.
THE HANDY GUIDE TO NOT RAPING PEOPLE IN SEVEN EASY STEPS
1. When you meet a girl who doesn't want to have sex with you, don't have sex with her.
2. When you meet a girl who wants to have sex with one of your friends, remember the golden rule: You Are A Different Person To Your Friends. Maybe this handy mnemonic can help: Yentl Acted As Ducks Probed Three Yucky Frenchmen. This will help you remember that a girl who wants to have sex with one person does not necessarily want to have sex with every person she meets. Confusing, I know; what can I say - political correctness, etc.
3. If you meet a girl who DOES want to have sex with you, but then a bit later she says she'd rather not, don't have sex with her. Again, pretty confusing, I know, but it's due to a special Scientific Fact: sometimes girls change their minds. Like, remember the time you wanted a kebab, but then you thought no, I'll have a hamburger instead? It's a bit like that, only with sex.
4. When you meet a girl who is unconscious, don't have sex with her. This is true even if she was drinking before. I may be delving into some fairly arcane theory here, but scientists have discovered there is actually technically a difference between "drinking a lot of alcohol" and "saying yes I want to have sex with you". I realise this difference is probably hard to spot for a lot of you guys; you might have to squint a bit.
5. When you go home with a girl, try not to have sex with her until after she says she'd like to.
6. Practise not having sex with people. I know it's hard - sometimes you just look down and it's like, whoops, I'm having sex with this girl, how did that happen? But I bet with a bit of concentration and discipline, you can actually manage to avoid having sex with someone, even when they're in the same room as you. It's true! Anyone can do it! Why, last week I met at least five women who I actually didn't have sex with, without causing myself any particularly severe internal injuries.
7. When you meet a girl who doesn't want to have sex with you, don't have sex with her. I realise I already said this one, but that was five steps ago, and I have a feeling some of you guys might have slightly short attention spans.
So there you go: seven easy steps to becoming a non-rapist. I bet you didn't think it was that simple, did you? You probably thought you'd need electrodes attached to something. But no, you can do it in your own living room! It's just a matter of staying "on the ball" and learning the difference between a girl who wants to have sex with you, and a girl who doesn't. One way is by listening to what she says: a girl who says "Let's have sex" probably wants to have sex; a girl who says "let's not have sex" probably doesn't. I realise listening to what women say will be a new experience for a lot of you, but I'm confident you can manage it. Practise at home first if you like, with a mirror and a wig.
Anyway, good luck with it all, guys! I know you probably think you could never not rape people, but I believe in you, guys! With a little bit of hard work and determination, anyone can not have sex, any time they want! Amazing but true!
Happy Not-raping!
The point is, as a man myself, I know how hard it can sometimes be to not be a rapist. Masculine identity is so ill-defined these days, what with the sexual revolution, feminism, meggings and so on: it's so difficult to know what women want: do they want us to hold the door open and pay for dinner, or do they want us to wait until they're blind drunk and have sex with them against their will? How can we tell? After all, as ABC The Drum commenter "James" says in response to an article by Lauren Rosewarne, "Why are young women so strange?"
Indeed, why? When young women are free to go around being strange all over the place, how can men be expected to know how to behave? This is why we see so many comments around the internet along the lines of "Why do these women put themselves in this situation what do they expect they are just after bragging rights they can't change their minds after the fact I agree with Kerri-Anne Kennerly"?
When people start agreeing with Kerri-Anne Kennerly, society has gone too far, and this is why I have prepared, for the benefit of my fellow man and also people who play football, a Handy Guide To Not Raping People. Feel free to print it out and keep it in your shirt pocket, men, so next time you find yourself in an awkward situation where it seems you have no choice but to rape someone, you can check the guide and gracefully extricate yourself from the sticky predicament.
THE HANDY GUIDE TO NOT RAPING PEOPLE IN SEVEN EASY STEPS
1. When you meet a girl who doesn't want to have sex with you, don't have sex with her.
2. When you meet a girl who wants to have sex with one of your friends, remember the golden rule: You Are A Different Person To Your Friends. Maybe this handy mnemonic can help: Yentl Acted As Ducks Probed Three Yucky Frenchmen. This will help you remember that a girl who wants to have sex with one person does not necessarily want to have sex with every person she meets. Confusing, I know; what can I say - political correctness, etc.
3. If you meet a girl who DOES want to have sex with you, but then a bit later she says she'd rather not, don't have sex with her. Again, pretty confusing, I know, but it's due to a special Scientific Fact: sometimes girls change their minds. Like, remember the time you wanted a kebab, but then you thought no, I'll have a hamburger instead? It's a bit like that, only with sex.
4. When you meet a girl who is unconscious, don't have sex with her. This is true even if she was drinking before. I may be delving into some fairly arcane theory here, but scientists have discovered there is actually technically a difference between "drinking a lot of alcohol" and "saying yes I want to have sex with you". I realise this difference is probably hard to spot for a lot of you guys; you might have to squint a bit.
5. When you go home with a girl, try not to have sex with her until after she says she'd like to.
6. Practise not having sex with people. I know it's hard - sometimes you just look down and it's like, whoops, I'm having sex with this girl, how did that happen? But I bet with a bit of concentration and discipline, you can actually manage to avoid having sex with someone, even when they're in the same room as you. It's true! Anyone can do it! Why, last week I met at least five women who I actually didn't have sex with, without causing myself any particularly severe internal injuries.
7. When you meet a girl who doesn't want to have sex with you, don't have sex with her. I realise I already said this one, but that was five steps ago, and I have a feeling some of you guys might have slightly short attention spans.
So there you go: seven easy steps to becoming a non-rapist. I bet you didn't think it was that simple, did you? You probably thought you'd need electrodes attached to something. But no, you can do it in your own living room! It's just a matter of staying "on the ball" and learning the difference between a girl who wants to have sex with you, and a girl who doesn't. One way is by listening to what she says: a girl who says "Let's have sex" probably wants to have sex; a girl who says "let's not have sex" probably doesn't. I realise listening to what women say will be a new experience for a lot of you, but I'm confident you can manage it. Practise at home first if you like, with a mirror and a wig.
Anyway, good luck with it all, guys! I know you probably think you could never not rape people, but I believe in you, guys! With a little bit of hard work and determination, anyone can not have sex, any time they want! Amazing but true!
Happy Not-raping!
Friday, January 15, 2010
In Case You Hadn't Heard
Yes, The Rue McClanahan Hour is no more. Due to a disagreement with Triple R management - we thought we weren't disgustingly offensive and irretrievably unfunny, and they disagreed - our radio show was canned after two episodes. We apologise, since we do know there were people who were actually enjoying our little stint Make sure you tune in to Triple R from February on in our timeslot, every Monday 7pm Eastern time, as the Lime Champions will be back, and that's a quality show.
I won't go into too much detail as to the details behind the canning, suffice to say there were irreconcilable differences.
BUT the Gather Around Me podcast starring Ben Pobjie and Cam Smith continues, and there is a brand-new one, in which the Triple R "Kerfuffle" (call-back) is discussed. Go to Gather Around Me both for downloads and hilarious bloggettes.
Do not listen if you don't like hearing the word "rape", or you have a soft spot for hypothetical cats.
Should you be craving even more of the squeezings of my brain, check out my first newmatilda article of the year, in which I tackle the important and delicious issue of whaling.
This is a wonderful read. As "scepticcritic" says:
And as you read the article, maybe you'll ponder that question. WHY?
Furthermore, there's my latest review of weekly doings for the ABC, in which are discussed koalas, farmers, starvation, sailing, Indians, earthquakes and zany Christians.
To get the man in the street's typical reaction to this piece, why not ask "david hicks":
You're a fine one to talk, David. Glass houses, my friend, glass houses.
Or consider the opinion of "Crepitus":
OK, firstly, I can't really match wits with those who would agree with Miranda Devine. Intellectualism is not my god.
Secondly, what the sulphur-crested fuck is with people who don't like my articles being unable to spell my name. My name which is ON THE GODDAMN PAGE THEY ARE READING AT THE TIME THEY ARE COMMENTING. I mean, this isn't someone hearing my name and being unable to determine the correct spelling. This is someone who is incapable of directly copying down six letters in a row.
And why do people put an R in my name? I've never understood that? Do they assume I must actually have the terribly common everyday name "Probjie" that most people know and love?
Jesus.
Anyway, much as I have never belittled rape victims, Muslims or the mentally ill on the radio, I have never scoffed at the Haitian earthquake on the ABC website. Read closely and you'll notice this fact.
In fact, you don't even have to read that closely. Just don't be a cretin.
That aside though, I am pretty irrelevant and unfunny. Luckily I have a weekly appointment wherein I sexually gratify the entire ABC board in a disabled toilet in Box Hill, so my job there's pretty safe.
With newmatilda, it's mainly the high-grade heroin I mail to them that keeps on the site.
In summary: spell my fucking name right, for Christ's sake. It's really starting to piss me off.
And now, on a lighter note:
I'm a FATHER, guys. Don't you realise how much the criticism hurts my children?
I won't go into too much detail as to the details behind the canning, suffice to say there were irreconcilable differences.
BUT the Gather Around Me podcast starring Ben Pobjie and Cam Smith continues, and there is a brand-new one, in which the Triple R "Kerfuffle" (call-back) is discussed. Go to Gather Around Me both for downloads and hilarious bloggettes.
Do not listen if you don't like hearing the word "rape", or you have a soft spot for hypothetical cats.
Should you be craving even more of the squeezings of my brain, check out my first newmatilda article of the year, in which I tackle the important and delicious issue of whaling.
This is a wonderful read. As "scepticcritic" says:
How can you consider yourself any sort of authentic political satirist when you group ‘black people’ in a separate category from ‘humans"? If you can’t even respect the diversities within your own species I doubt you can do much for the whales.
And as you read the article, maybe you'll ponder that question. WHY?
Furthermore, there's my latest review of weekly doings for the ABC, in which are discussed koalas, farmers, starvation, sailing, Indians, earthquakes and zany Christians.
To get the man in the street's typical reaction to this piece, why not ask "david hicks":
There is a lot that is hugely distasteful about this article
You're a fine one to talk, David. Glass houses, my friend, glass houses.
Or consider the opinion of "Crepitus":
I think Miranda Devine sums up Ben Probjie when she calls him "puerile".(Click on Ben's CV)
Judging from his article, I would add "unfunny and irrelevant" but then I have never heard of Ben till now. He has some work to do if he wants to become relevant and be taken seriously as a comedian or satirist.
To scoff at the Haitian catastrophe is heartless. He had nothing worth while to say about the whaling issue on which he is biased anyway. Does he really want us to go to war with Japan over blubber? Sounds a bit like the War of Jenkins Ears.
OK, firstly, I can't really match wits with those who would agree with Miranda Devine. Intellectualism is not my god.
Secondly, what the sulphur-crested fuck is with people who don't like my articles being unable to spell my name. My name which is ON THE GODDAMN PAGE THEY ARE READING AT THE TIME THEY ARE COMMENTING. I mean, this isn't someone hearing my name and being unable to determine the correct spelling. This is someone who is incapable of directly copying down six letters in a row.
And why do people put an R in my name? I've never understood that? Do they assume I must actually have the terribly common everyday name "Probjie" that most people know and love?
Jesus.
Anyway, much as I have never belittled rape victims, Muslims or the mentally ill on the radio, I have never scoffed at the Haitian earthquake on the ABC website. Read closely and you'll notice this fact.
In fact, you don't even have to read that closely. Just don't be a cretin.
That aside though, I am pretty irrelevant and unfunny. Luckily I have a weekly appointment wherein I sexually gratify the entire ABC board in a disabled toilet in Box Hill, so my job there's pretty safe.
With newmatilda, it's mainly the high-grade heroin I mail to them that keeps on the site.
In summary: spell my fucking name right, for Christ's sake. It's really starting to piss me off.
And now, on a lighter note:
I'm a FATHER, guys. Don't you realise how much the criticism hurts my children?
Friday, July 31, 2009
Simple Radio Folk
What did you think of Kyle and Jackie O's whimsical teen-sex prank? Pretty funny? Not very funny? Gripping? Moving? Full of vibrant hooks and witty lyrics?
If you go here, you will find an article by me that adds absolutely nothing to the debate.
Just in case you might be thinking it's not worthwhile clicking on that link, let me show you some of the reader comments that will illustrate just how great the article is.
From "David1": Ben stick to being an idiot, satirical composition is not your forte.
From "Juzzy": Lame
From "Simon": there’s satire… then there’s trollish shit stirring
From "Yvonne Lynton Reid": nauseatingly self-righteous crap
From "Liz45": Pardon me if I don’t laugh! I don’t find it funny or even smart one bit. Ben, obviously you don’t understand, that even consensual sex would’ve been ILLEGAL! If you’re so desperate for some entertainment, why don’t you go and read or take up knitting or ???
When will some blokes get it through their thick heads - that women are fed up with blokes who think, that you have a right to scrutinize and belittle our lives, sexual or otherwise. If Rachel was an adult it wouldn’t have been funny - she’s still legally a child who had a vicious and revolting assault inflicted upon her. I think you need to take a look at yourself. I’m sure you don’t have too many young women seeking you out to confide in because of your kind and sensitive nature!
Of course, some people didn't care for it. But I know YOU will, right? After all...
WOULD KYLE LIE?
If you go here, you will find an article by me that adds absolutely nothing to the debate.
Just in case you might be thinking it's not worthwhile clicking on that link, let me show you some of the reader comments that will illustrate just how great the article is.
From "David1": Ben stick to being an idiot, satirical composition is not your forte.
From "Juzzy": Lame
From "Simon": there’s satire… then there’s trollish shit stirring
From "Yvonne Lynton Reid": nauseatingly self-righteous crap
From "Liz45": Pardon me if I don’t laugh! I don’t find it funny or even smart one bit. Ben, obviously you don’t understand, that even consensual sex would’ve been ILLEGAL! If you’re so desperate for some entertainment, why don’t you go and read or take up knitting or ???
When will some blokes get it through their thick heads - that women are fed up with blokes who think, that you have a right to scrutinize and belittle our lives, sexual or otherwise. If Rachel was an adult it wouldn’t have been funny - she’s still legally a child who had a vicious and revolting assault inflicted upon her. I think you need to take a look at yourself. I’m sure you don’t have too many young women seeking you out to confide in because of your kind and sensitive nature!
Of course, some people didn't care for it. But I know YOU will, right? After all...
WOULD KYLE LIE?
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