IT IS NOT THE AUSTRALIAN WAY

Floods? Oh yeah, we're happy to help. It's what makes Australia great, our willingness to band together when our fellow countrymen are in trouble and put every hand to the tiller to help out. It's mateship, it's the Australian way, it's what makes us unique among nations, our eagerness to help, our can-do spirit, our indefatigable love of pitching in to see our friends through a rough spot.

So absolutely we'll help. We'll work as hard as we can, we'll give till it hurts, we will do everything that is humanly possible to help you poor buggers get back on your feet again. 'Cos we're Australians, and Australians lend a hand when times are tough. With you all the way.

Oh great! Then would you mind perhaps just paying a little bit extra tax for a short while?

HOW DARE YOU WHAT A DISGUSTING NOTION THAT IS COMPLETELY UN-AUSTRALIAN GO TAKE SOME MONEY FROM SOMEONE ELSE LEAVE ME ALONE YOU GREEDY BASTARDS

They Breed 'Em Tough At News Ltd

In today's Herald Sun, prominent columnist/ironman Alan Howe has pointed out how Anna Bligh, in her attempts to cheer up Queenslanders, has revealed the dark, rotten heart of her innate racism. Bligh stands exposed for what she is: racist against Victorians. And possibly Tasmanians and maybe West Australians. Not New South Welsh though, who are pussies.

But the machinations of vicious premiers who use tragedies as opportunities to promulgate their grubby vote-pulling bigotry aside, one part of Howe's think-piece struck me as particularly intriguing:

Not long ago a Queensland Liberal leader went by the name of Denver Beanland, such was the dearth of talent in conservative ranks.

The logic seems to go like this:

1. The Liberal Party had a leader called Denver Beanland.
2. People called Denver Beanland are innately untalented.
3. Therefore, the Liberal Party has no talent.

I'm just wondering what process Howe went through in developing this "funny name=incompetence" theory, and if he could share the workings of his mighty brain with his readers.

I mean, I can see the theory's explanatory power clearly enough: "Why are some politicians talented and some not? Because the untalented ones have names that Alan Howe thinks are odd". It all fits like the cogs of a beautiful watch. I just want to learn more about the process, so I can one day aspire to be an intellectual too, like Alan.

Sleeve-length: A Pressing Issue

The Queensland Rugby League, responding swiftly and decisively to reports that Queensland State of Origin players had been mixing Stilnox and Red Bull to create a home-made party drug while in training camp for the third game of this year's series, initiated a thorough and hard-hitting investigation, in which the players were asked whether they had been mixing Stilnox and Red Bull to create a home-made party drug while in training camp for the third game of this year's series, and the players said "no".

The Australian reports, though, that the far-reaching probe did not end there. Not content with this vigorous interrogation, QRL managing director Ross Livermore then called a meeting with coach Mal Meninga and team manager Steve Walters, in which captain Darren Lockyer was brought in...

...and asked for his opinion on the team's uniforms.

Never underestimate the Queensland Rugby League's passion for truth and accountability. Let even the barest whiff of poor off-field behaviour be sensed, and they will waste no time, spare no expense, and leave no stone unturned in their efforts to take a tough, unflinching look at what the players think of their jumpers.

Kudos, Ross Livermore. Kudos.