Diary: Since Xmas

DIARY: Xmas is over and I did it without using heroin. The first time in over 11 years. Did I want to use heroin ... yes but my medication is responsible for my decision not to . This just would not have happened on methadone and everyday I am thankful to Allah/Buddah/Jimmy Page/Jesus/Yahweh & co. for being able to take SROM. Of course there is a downside. There’s always a downside and that’s one of the facts of addiction. This was the first time I have been alone for Xmas lunch. I wasn’t lonely like I thought I would be and it was only for about 4 hours or so. I was supposed to go to my brother’s Xmas lunch but I felt sick and Angela was coming home early from her family Xmas lunch. My brother was having several guests as well, many who I didn’t know very well. I really didn’t care too much being alone for Xmas lunch which is not my usual self. Xmas morning is the most important event for us. We go overboard with presents and Xmas morning we finally resolve the weeks of guessing of what’s in that box under the tree? We dress our dogs up in Santa outfits and as a reward they get ham and chocolates. The hats don’t hold very well and one of them always gets tangled up in the Santa suits but it a tradition for us. Everyone wins - our dogs get ham and we get 2 very cute little Santa dogs. I am starting to wonder about my predicament and where I am in the scheme of my addiction. I no longer crave heroin or even really think about it that much anymore. That’s a definitely an important advancement. The downside is now sleeping way too much and lacking ambition and drive. I was sleeping about 3-4 times a day for a estimated total of 10-12 hours. At least I didn’t have that ominous feeling of continuous depression that I did with methadone. I was glad to swap the day long depression with having to sleep so often. The biggest problem though is losing my drive. My need to socialise, my sex drive, work ambition etc. all suffer and many previous enjoyments are now painfully boring. I had a few days spare so I took this opportunity to learn a new computer program. I already knew the basics and the video tutorial should have been quick and easy but I could not for the life of me keep my interest up. Four times I started but after 30 minutes or so, I had to stop. I just had no interest. I started to get sick of this so I tried a few different techniques by altering my medication. I tried doubling my SRRIs (doctors suggestion) and then tried without it. I tried cutting my SROM by two tablets then by one. None of these worked. My latest trial is to cut my SROM by half a tablet per day which surprisingly had an enormous effect on me. My daily sleeping needs halved, I gained some drive but I feel signs of depression breaking through. The depression only last for a few minutes at a time so I am continuing this strategy for a while longer. It appears there is a delicate balance between the SRRIs and the morphine that determine depression versus being active. I investigated some more about morphine/opiates for depression and found that morphine has long been associated with depression treatment. To counter the lack of drive, I am going for a blood test to see if I should go on steroid treatment. My doctor jokingly said I would make the drug squad really happy if I lost my scripts and they raided my house ... morphine, steroids, injecting equipment, traces of heroin etc. etc. My main interests at the moment seem to be related to drug issues including this blog. I am an avid reader of news and current affairs so drug issues fit in well with my daily activities. As I discover more, I get a much greater ability to analyse the scope of the drug situation. This coupled with my own experience allows me a well rounded insight into the issues. I am starting to see my situation and the events that led to where I am a lot clearer now. I am beginning to better explain why people use drugs by remembering situations that involved my friends and myself. I see the peer pressure of people wanting to fit in, even into their 20s and 30s. I see more clearly now how many people took drugs simply because they wanted to. I recognise those who take drugs on special occasions or because a certain activity is much more fun under the influence. For example, drugs like speed and ecstasy are usually just extensions of drinking and having a big night out. The fact that 99% of drug users never have a major problem becomes much more obvious and I clearly see the distinct difference between drug use and drug abuse. The most enlightened subject for me though is how people perceive drug use and the politics involved. I now find that most anti-drug zealots are nothing more than a joke. It’s not those who are acting with noble intentions which is usually due to a family situation but those who purposely ignore any alternatives or evidence put before them. These people have an agenda and it’s certainly not for the benefit of others. It’s purely for selfish reasons whether it be political popularity, religious beliefs, conservative values or arrogance. The reason most people oppose Harm Minimisation or a new approach to the drug situation is because they can’t see past what they have learned through years of propaganda and misinformation. This is understandable but I find annoying are those who have a strong opinion about something they know jack-shit about. i.e. drugs. You often see these people making ridiculous statements in the News.com readers comments section. I wonder if these people would change their minds if they knew the truth or would they continue with their strong but misguided opinions. I must admit it would be hard to change your views with the amount of lies and misinformation that has bombarded us for all of our lives. The most sinister though are those who spend their life desperately trying to instil misinformation into the public psyche. They are not anti-drug heroes or pillars of society but liars, egocentrics and opportunists. Nearly 3 weeks after Xmas, I finally caved in and decided to use for the first time in about 4-5 months. As my luck would have it, my dealer's phone was off. I tried to contact another dealer but their phone was disconnected. My last hope didn’t answer when I rang. JESUS Q CHRIST!!!! Why was such a simple task so hard? Fed up, I went to my dealer’s house and he wasn’t home. I asked for his mobile number in case he had changed it but I was given the same number I already had. It was nearly dark by this time so I went home and had dinner. I tried the phone numbers again after dinner and decided to go back to my dealer’s house. When I pulled up I saw his car and I was much relieved ... finally! Knock knock. “Do you have anything?” I asked. “No, tomorrow midday”, he answered. Silly me. Why would a drug dealer have drugs? The next day, I decided not to score. I was going well with my treatment and I didn’t really need heroin. I could get by just fine without drugs. [2 hours later] After I had my hit, I noticed that my tolerance hadn’t really changed. I had .4 of a gram like usual which incidentally cost $150. The quality was exactly the same as it had been for the last 5 years or so. What I did notice though was how calm I felt for the next 4-5 hours. The effect didn’t drop off after 15 minutes like it usually did but it also wasn’t as potent in the initial rush. I felt good. I didn't experience the usual guilt associated with blowing so much money on drugs. I had gone so long without and I almost felt proud of this. Was I making excuses for myself or was it justified? That's what I need to work out. Will it be another 4-5 months before I use again? I am hoping at least that long but the memories of my last hit were fresh in my mind. I decided to give my EFT card to Angela for the next few weeks just in case.

Diary: Street Dealing

DIARY: I was sitting in the car waiting for Angela a few days ago and noticed 2 suspicious looking men walk past me. I can spot these people a mile off ... clean, new looking runners, freshly washed KMart jeans, short hair, often bulky and looking healthy but unshaven. They have the look and manner of someone going somewhere but not sure where. Slow meaningful paces but ready to stop at any moment. You may have noticed these people before. Always in pairs, one solid and one with a medium build. At first glance they might be a couple of likely lads looking to score but they just don’t quite fit the part and something isn’t right. Then it dawns on you ... they are undercover cops. I was in a suburb adjacent to a well known street dealing area from the days of the so called “heroin epidemic”. Although the area was cleaned up many years ago, it seems business may be on the rise in nearby suburbs. Not really unexpected I suppose considering the balloon effect. Squeeze in one area and another pops up somewhere else. I hadn’t seen a dealer in this adjacent area for at least 5 years. Not that I was particularly looking but drug dealers tend to stand out to a heroin addict. I sat there for about 20 minutes and the two cops walked past twice in both directions. I tried to stay as inconspicuous as possible without looking obvious. Maybe I was somewhat paranoid but my memories of undercover cops is not pleasant. Last time I dealt with these types of people, they were punching me in the throat whilst on the ground. I had 2-3 police officers with their knees in my back and legs as my friendly protector of the law was hammering away at my windpipe. After a short time, another friendly officer started on my stomach with his boots. They wanted my stash that I had swallowed when I was pulled over. For them it was merely a case of inciting a natural bodily function called “throwing up”. 20-30 powerful smashes into my throat with their fist or 10-15 kicks to the stomach with industrial boots should have done it. Who needs water-boarding when you can bring on the feeling of suffocation or death from kicking and punching? I don’t know how prevalent street dealing is anymore. I was initially shocked when I first found out heroin was bought from a stranger on the street as I only ever known buying drugs from a dealers house. As far as I had experienced, you had to know a dealer or have a friend who could score for you. It was never from an unknown on the streets. At the peak of the “heroin epidemic”, you could go to some well known suburbs and there would be literally dozens of heroin dealers bidding for your business. You got to know some of the dealers after while, even to the point where they knew my car and would run up to me before I even parked. Many of them were 14-16 year olds, often Vietnamese/Australian school kids. If I wanted to score early in the morning, I would go to the bus stop where I knew I would catch some students on their way to school. Many of the dealers I would see at night were also students. I only dealt with Vietnamese dealers because I had been ripped off way too often by “Aussies”. The Aussies were considered the dregs of the pack and would always give you small deals or do a runner with your cash. I still had some problems with the Vietnamese but nothing like the Aussie dealers. Some of the Vietnamese dealers were the bread winners of the household even though they were often just kids or in their early 20s. As a prime client, I was sometimes given a phone number and allowed to go directly to their house. This is how I met my current dealer and have been friends with him and his family for about 8 years now. It might seem racist but I found Aussies and European dealers unscrupulous compared to the Vietnamese/Cambodians/Chinese. Dealing with Asians also had another advantage in that you could be sure they weren’t undercover cops. When I was scoring on the streets, I sometimes saw dealers or buyers being busted. It was almost always by replicas of the two undercovers that I had just seen. Maybe it’s a police recruiting requirement to look a certain way before you can go busting junkies? It’s always worried me how someone could volunteer to catch run-of-the-mill drug users but I finally got to understand the type after meeting them on the wrong side of the law. Probably the last time I scored on the streets, I witnessed a bust that confirmed it was time from me to leave the scene. One of the arresting undercover cops was Asian and the busted couple looked more than unhappy. The arrest scene was suddenly filled with undercover cops, uniformed officers and flashing police lights. The street scene would never be the same. The street dealing was eventually cleaned up in the targeted areas but like the balloon effect predicted, other areas soon became the new hot spots. But heroin use was on the decline and the new hot spots were much more subtle than before and attracted less attention. The more experienced dealers started giving out phone numbers to clients and the huge number of undercover cops left over from the clean up eventually soaked up the last few street dealers in the new hot spots. I knew this day was coming where the open heroin markets would become the focus of an attempt to push this problem back underground where everyday day folks wouldn’t have to be subject to desperate junkies looking for a fix. It was too easy and too open. Many of the users around this time were caught up in the sudden popularity of heroin and the cheap, strong gear was too much of a temptation for many. The following months, many of these users gave up heroin and the street dealing went back underground for the long term addicted. The following few years saw heroin use go back to normal levels and this was instantly dubbed the “heroin drought” with the AFP and John Howard claiming victory for the “tough on drugs” strategy. It took a few years though before truth came out that the flood of heroin was replaced with a flood of methamphetamine as Australia’s largest suppliers of heroin simply switched products. As the AFP and Howard were busy with publicly patting each other on the back and telling Australians how they stopped the massive drug cartels in S.E. Asia, methamphetamines(ice) had slipped in and become the major illicit drug problem. The targeted approach had only squeezed the balloon and I watched as suburb after suburb reported first, a huge heroin problem and then a successful clean up from the police. Eventually, the first few suburbs popped up again and the cycle continued. It wasn’t until methamphetamines became a major problem that the heroin street dealing cycle started to diminish. The claims of success from the government were short lived of course as the drug hysterical media started reporting ice as the new national drug scourge. Back in my car watching the two undercover cops, I had to wonder what exactly they were doing here. With the AFP seizing less than 4 days worth of Australia’s daily consumption and current busts of the Mr. Bigs being insignificant, the need for media attention is critical to the perception of success. Nothing makes the government, the police and the anti-drug groups happier than a headline reporting a drug bust ... regardless of how important it is.

Diary: BUSTED. One Less Dealer - 10 More Problems

DIARY: A small time drug dealer was busted last week and instead of one less dealer on the streets, we got a string of events that racked up about $100, 000 of costs to the government, one nearly dead and plenty of devastated lives. Is busting small time dealers really worth it and who really benefits from it? ... And are these small time dealers the ‘scourge of society’ as we are constantly being told? The stupidity of our drug policies are becoming common knowledge as more and more people are effected by it. The silly actions stemming from the law & order aspect is contradictory and I wonder how long before (Law Enforcement Against Prohibition) L.E.A.P. start a branch in Australia. My dealer got busted the other day. While most might think this is a good outcome, the ramifications were disastrous. My dealer is Vietnamese and a heroin addict. He sells heroin to support the habits of his wife and himself. He has a small but steady cliental who he knows personally from the years of supplying them heroin. There are rarely disputes and he is certainly cautious about what he sells and how much he sells it for. He keeps about 10-15 addicts with a steady supply and we know his gear is fairly much safe compared to just buying it from an unknown. His wife works part time and he shares the caring of their child with his mother as they all live in the one house. The mother works from home and puts in 12-14 hours every day with work and looking after other younger family members. The proceeds from the dealing only supports their habits and the mother kicks in a few hundred dollars each month to top up the cash needed to score. They have a finely balanced lifestyle which is hand to mouth but she manages to educate her children and keep her family in a modest but loving family. So one morning, 7 police officers smash down his door (a bungalow at the side of the main house) and raid him. He just tells them where the drugs are but not satisfied, they rip his whole room up. As he is thrown up against the wall, he tries to alert them there is a child sleeping in the bed but he is smashed in the face by a female police officer. As he is panicking and yelling to stop, he is repeatedly smashed in the face now by 2 officers. Too late, 4-5 heavy boxes have been thrown on his young daughter who is now dazed and crying. Meanwhile a few officers are in the main house where they have demanded his mother hand over all her “drug money”. She can’t speak English so they take from her purse $70 and leave. The dealer is escorted to the police station and charged with supply of a narcotic (6 x .4 gram deals). There is no mention of the $70 from his mother or the $660 they took from his pocket. Incidentally, for the last 5 years since he previously got busted, whenever his mother is spotted driving around by a certain few police officers, they pull her over and take all her money. She can’t speak English and after copping a slap across the face when she first protested, she just gives them what they want. I actually wrote an official complaint on their behalf but never received any confirmation of my complaint. I had also emailed the police twice about his mother and still, no response. What happens when a supplier of a commodity is removed from the scene for a period of time? Buyers go elsewhere ... they don’t magically disappear. One regular client went to the city in desperation and found a dealer in 15 minutes. He paid $200 ($60 more than usual), went home and overdosed. He had been given some filler chemical and it poisoned him. He is still in hospital and with no income, his family is suffering greatly. He owns a gardening business and employs a helper who has also lost his income. A few of us have started to do his regular jobs until he is well enough to get back to work. The dealer organised it out of guilt. So what was the outcome of busting this heroin dealer? One person nearly dead, his family in disarray with financial problems, his business losing regular clients daily, his employee without a job. Another two people needing money desperately to treat their addiction, preparing to go to jail for about a year or two, having to build up enough money to start over again. A traumatised child who had several heavy boxes lobbed on top of her whilst asleep, having to live without her father when he goes to jail. A family missing an adult who does most of the running around like shopping, taking his wife to work, taking kids to and from school etc., a family missing much needed money that went to corrupt cops. A busted door. 10-15 addicts doomed to buy their drugs from unknown sources. Oh and one more statistic for the police to say they are being “tough on drugs”. Stopping this small dealer, didn’t stop the flow of drugs one iota. It had no positive effect on society but cost us lots of money ... jail for the dealer for about 1-2 years, 7 police officers, hospital for overdose, employee on the dole, his wife on the dole and more. The dealer had a choice to sell drugs to addicts who were going to buy them anyway, steal cars, burgle houses or rob people, or get a job paying over $100K per year. he chose the most practical without having to resort to crime that would hurt people. That’s his nature. He refuses to take stolen property for heroin and he frowns upon addicts who rob people and usually doesn’t have them as clients. He even arranged to help the guy who overdosed. He is not a bad person but according to our drug policy and many Australians, he is the scum of the earth. The whole crazy situation could have been avoided if Australia had prescription heroin. None of this would have happened and the dealer and family along with the overdose victim would not have been in such a precarious position. As we have seen, policing does nothing but cost society a lot of money and make criminals out of people with addictions. It’s almost like a story line from a science fiction novel. I can imagine 20 years from now when we look back to the “dark old days” and how for 50 years we were so terrified of addiction that we tried to rub it out, killing over a million people in the process. I wonder why other countries offer prescription heroin with great success but we don’t. Will it change? Will incidents like the above keep happening? and if so, for how long?

The Surge is Working...

The Surge is Working ... The next heroin surge is on it's way. An article on the ABC website says so, so it must be. Experts warn that heroin is becoming more available in Australia and users report it to be more potent. (Australian Customs ) Dr Robert Ali from Drug and Alcohol Services SA said "Historically most of the heroin imported to Australia has come from the Golden Triangle, predominantly out of Burma. But it appears by the description of the heroin being used that there's Afghanistan heroin finding its way into Australia as well." -ABC Online I started using heroin during the last big surge. It was so prevalent, they were selling it on the streets in daylight. No need to phone ahead or no need to know someone special, just turn up at one of several places and there they were. Footscray in Melbourne was hot and you could walk through a certain car park and take your pick of dealer. The main street in Springvale was like a heroin open air market. I once counted over 50 dealers on one stroll up the main street. Melbourne's most famous place though was Russell St. I used to be able to drive into the city, park illegally, score and be back at work with 30 minutes ... quicker than buying lunch. Cabramatta train station in Sydney was the best though. Young Asian boys would fight over who was going to be your dealer today ... literary. Ahhh, the good ol' days. Unless they want this again, they better come up with some better policies. I would hate to see the numbers of young, first time users rise to the levels of the last surge. I know that will just do what they did last time. Too many dealers in one spot gets the shop keepers angry and they alert the police and media. It becomes well known and draws in an even bigger crowd. Eventually they hit that spot and the local papers congratulate them for being 'tough on drugs' and everyone cheers. The Daily Telegraph or the Hun declare the police are fighting a national epidemic. The feeling they can beat this scourge is strong but as they are congratulating each other, the market is on the move. The demand hasn't changed one bit and there are still thousands of hungry addicts waiting for a hit. There is an unlimited supply of dealers waiting to fill the tiny holes left by the police action and the lure of easy money is the one thing the police didn't remove. It starts all over again ... just around the corner.

Diary: Depression

Most mornings, I wake up feeling like crap. My ribs ache, my back hurts and I feel flat. Very flat. I sit on the bed for a minute and think of heroin then I push myself to move on and think about my day. My day is the same everyday. Get up and drive Mrs Wright  to work, go to the chemist for my methadone then come home. Make coffee, feed my cuties (my dogs) and the cat. Then work. I do this 7 days a week except weekends where I don't have to drive Mrs Wright to work. 

On weekends, I watch my downloaded TV shows first thing in the morning whilst waiting for my methadone to kick in. At the moment it's Prison Break on Saturday and Bones/Desperate Housewives on Sunday. Today is particularly bad. I am waiting for some money from a client and I hurt all over. Mrs Wright senses something is up but she knows there is nothing she can do. "Are you all right?" "Yup" Usual Q&A. 

I worked all morning on a job that was paid for months ago. I get a lot of this. I finish a job but the client wants a few changes. If I like the client and they are a small business or low budget government organisation, I do it for free. Often though it goes on for months and I am increasingly get more of these situations. 

Later in the afternoon, I check my bank account and the clients payment has gone through! Oh yeah!, I think ... Fuck this, I gotta get normal. So I go and score. $150 for .4 of a gram. That's more than the price of gold. 

Anyway I come home and go through the ritual. Close the blinds, mix up, shoot up. No music so I can concentrate on getting some sort of high. It never comes. I just feel normal for about 20 minutes. Then the come down... reality. I just blew $150.