Parents! Want the very best for YOUR kids?

Why not send them to exclusive Xavier College?

At Xavier, they'll not only develop the sense of superiority and privilege you're looking for, but they'll explore exciting new worlds of bullying, physical assault, heavy drinking, and property damage that will see them ready to enter the adult world as well-rounded, confident, boisterous Christian citizens.

Call NOW to find out how YOU can spend $16,000 a year to turn your son into a violent criminal.

Doesn't your child deserve the very best?

Vote for sexy times!

An Open Letter

Dear Pro-Lifers,

Suck the pain, bitches.

Yours,

Ben

America? The Beautiful?

Want the facts about our mighty friend and ally?

Or would you rather read an ill-conceived piece of misinformed "humour" by me?

YOU DECIDE.

If there's one thing we need more of...

It's world leaders who can also teach you martial arts.

I want you think, just for a moment, about how futile it is for us to keep trying to maintain the supremacy of the West, in the face of Vladimir Putin, a man who is not only ruthless and ambitious, but who is a black belt in judo.

It should come in especial handy next time he rears his head over Alaska. I can see him, as he parachutes from his biplane into an Alaskan forest, beng confronted by Sarah Palin toting a 12-gauge and leading a crack battalion of Bear-Mounted Mooseketeers. "Surrender!" she'll screech, and Putin, with a wry smile, will flick the cigarette from his lips, crack his knuckles, and...

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAAAAAHHH!

Take THAT, biatch!

Dark Times

Why do people like sport? By people, I mean me. Some people hate sport. How lucky they are. Those people didn't want to kill themselves last night when the Storm lost the grand final by a record margin to the hairy miscreants of Manly, who provided the perfect send-off for club legend Steve "Beaver" Menzies, so-called because of his resemblance to a giant vagina.

Now that the football season has ended in crushing depression for my teams in three different codes, I shall turn my attention to cricket, which will undoubtedly see me even more suicidal.

Sport is STUPID.

Please leave your comments on the subject of why I should stop watching sport and take up scrapbooking below.

Shocking

In today's Age, drooling pervert Peter Craven claims that a man might want to look at children even if he has no intention of raping them.

Such a display of immorality and illogic bodes ill for our arts community, who even now are plotting to sneak onto the set of Bindi The Jungle Girl and give her a good seeing-to.

Cookies!

Cookies are great. But what's better is attacks on our way of life at New Matilda. Go read!

Also, remember my YouTube exploits? A comment has been placed there that I think actually sums me up pretty well, and it's pretty generous of him to offer to pinch my nipples. That's the kind of perks international stardom brings I suppose. "Anal warts", classic. So thank YOU, Cuttingedgecomiccrit, your support is appreciated.

In other news, my friend Helen Razer has unfortunately been sacked. I shouldn't comment too much, but really, Steven Berkoff is kind of a pretentious twat, isn't he?

He Lives!

Many apologies for the break in transmission, I have been engulfed in poncy theatrical shenanigans. Normal service has been resumed.

For those who care to catch a glimpse of what I've been up to while this blog had stood silent and grim, see here.