Fit celebrities whose political views you could probably overlook
MANY celebrities have tediously earnest political views that would be off-putting in someone less attractive. Here are some whose ramblings you could probably live with.
THE Conservative party actually believes that you are overwhelmed by their generosity in yesterday’s budget.
NETFLIX has announced plans to autoplay the next episode of every show before the current one has finished in a bid to keep viewers binge-watching.
YOU were enjoying a new TV drama with your mum and dad but suddenly it’s turned into hardcore porn. Here’s what you definitely don’t want to hear from their sofa.
THE Covid inquiry will turn its attention to your self-love habit during lockdown next, it has announced.
AN unearthed interview seems to confirm that Banksy is Bristol-based artist Robin Gunningham. But if you’re got one of his undemanding artworks on your wall, what does it mean?
BRITAIN has agreed that between inflation, rent, mortgage rates and taxes, National Insurance was definitely the problem in need of urgent attention.
BRITAIN'S dads will be gathering silently in their cars and switching on their headlights in honour of Top Gear, they have confirmed.
HATING Christmas is going too far, even this early, but loving it as much as these psychopaths do comes close to pushing you over the line.
A SUCCESSFUL entrepreneur has confessed that she neither has a working-class background or is prepared to make one up.
Politics
ISRAEL has confirmed it is declaring a ceasefire in Gaza after learning no less than eight Labour frontbenchers voted for one.
RWANDA has sympathised with the UK about its unlawful deportation plan and confirmed it will be keeping the money.
FOLLOWING Suella Braverman’s blistering resignation letter to Rishi Sunak, the prime minister has written back. His letter is below.
DAVID Cameron has been appointed foreign secretary in an act of sheer desperation. Here’s why Sunak had no other choice.
NO longer a cabinet minister and with a majority of a mere 20,000, I have been forced to seek alternative sources of income. Pay me for these.
RISHI Sunak’s weak leadership is absolutely bloody typical of migrants who come over here and think they can run the bloody place, Suella Braverman has said.
Society
A MAN has been appalled to learn from some graffiti in a pub bathroom that his mum gobbles knobs, it has emerged.
JUST because you have money and no real desire for radical change it doesn’t mean you can’t be part of the sisterhood. Take on gender inequality in these ultimately meaningless ways.
A GIRLFRIEND is confident that TV programmes only provide the basis for a long ongoing conversation while they continue in the background.
A MAN who spent his school days drawing penises on textbooks believes children would benefit from being taught about Britain's tax system.
A WOMAN has confirmed that she is not leaving her home until March and that nothing and nobody can stop her.
A WOMAN wearing a brightly-coloured lipstick has given up drinking fluids so as not to ruin it, it has emerged.
Lifestyle
THE unfortunate death of a local resident has provided a charity shop with an excellent selection of secondhand books, clothes and records, it has emerged.
A WOMAN has nails so long that she is completely reliant on her boyfriend to perform everyday tasks for her.
A GROUP of Americans visiting London for the first time believe nightclubs in central London will be hip and fun.
‘WHAT harm can it do?’ I asked myself. ‘It’s just a drink.’ If I knew then what I know now, I would never have taken that first fatal sip.
IF all the rumours you swallowed at school were true you'd have been living through the greatest soap opera ever. But they were all bollocks, like these.
A BEAUTIFUL 25-year-old without a hint of wrinkle or sag has decided that she will age gracefully, with no cosmetic intervention.
Sport
FOOTBALL fans have suggested that, since Saudi Arabia is going to host the World Cup in 2034, why not let the murdering pricks win the f**ker as well.
A COUNTRY beset by horrifying news on every front is trying to wrap itself in the warm glow of Manchester United being beaten three-nil by City.
A FEMALE football fan has openly poured scorn on women’s football in a manner that is extremely offensive to women.
THE England team are in a World Cup semi-final, but sadly only in the game of rugby.
THE Wembley arch would be facing a monumental backlash no matter what colour the lights are, it has emerged.
FORMULA One boss Bernie Ecclestone has admitted to lifelong fraud and that he is actually six feet six inches tall.
Science & Technology
CHECKING online reviews is a minefield of idiots, pricks with a vendetta, and people who are incapable of spelling anything longer than two letters. Like these.
ALL attendees at a computer literacy class for the over-70s are learning to use the internet so they can share their prejudices with the world.
EXPERTS agree with your mum that jabbing the screen with a single finger is the most effective method of text messaging.
A TEENAGE boy believes he is the coolest person in his university halls thanks to his arsenal of outdated digital downloads.
WhatsApp archives are graveyards filled with lost loves, abandoned friendships and failed career opportunities, it has emerged.
TECHNOLOGY evolves so fast that even recent innovations look ancient. And as far as Zoomers are concerned, these belong strictly to pensioners.
Arts & Entertainment
THE Outkast star is back with a head-scratching 90-minute instrumental woodwind album. Here are some other artists who have returned with truly dreadful music.
A WOMAN who has become very attached to Elizabeth Debicki’s character in The Crown hopes nothing bad happens to her this season.
I’VE noticed a disturbing trend here in the I’m A Celebrity camp. Cane toads are coming here in their millions, replacing traditional British culture with their alien amphibian ways.
AN Oxford graduate hoping to present on GB News is disappointed to learn she will first have to perform an entry-level role as a Cabinet minister.
BEING a musician isn't all about learning chords and being able to sing. You also need to find untapped lucrative seasonal events to rinse, like these.
RUSSELL T Davies has confirmed that his upcoming series of Doctor Who is not for children but for adults who, for complex reasons, are unable to enjoy proper television.
Business
WANDERED into a curious little shop only to realise it sells nothing worth buying, you’re alone and the proprietor is staring at you? Here’s how to politely free yourself.
THE government has confirmed that it will make it impossible to travel between the north and south of the UK by totally f**king up the railways.
THE proprietor of a struggling American candy business only wishes money-laundering criminal syndicates were interested in his business.
WHEN staying alone in a hotel, a man powering through a five-figure deal must seize the opportunity for the breakfast of champions. Coco Pops.
A THIRD of 18 to 34-year-olds have been inappropriately texted by staff at takeaways or delivering parcels. Here’s a handy checklist to read before sending customers a picture of your cock.
GOT a website with internationally-known and instantly recognisable branding? Here visionary tech bro Elon Musk explains how to f**k it up for no reason.
Work
HUMAN resources want to fully exploit their humans as a resource and for them to be happy about it. These are the contradictory messages you will get this week.
BEING told off in a constructive and professional manner by a manager who only wants to help is far worse than a red-faced bollocking, workers have agreed.
A CORPORATE worker is beginning to realise that her lanyard wields no power in the outside world.
A WOMAN has asked her middle-aged son if he has considered becoming a barrister, with cancer research scientist or Oxford professor as back-up options.
WAVING a baton about looks easy, doesn’t it? And you’re right, it is. Here are some jobs that are, quite frankly, taking the piss.
AN unemployed man is way ahead of warnings that AI will end traditional paid work, he feels.
Alcohol
DONCASTER is marking the 20th anniversary of wine being introduced to the city’s pubs, shops and supermarkets.
BRITISH women have triumphed against their gutless continental counterparts in the global race to be the best binge-drinkers.
A WOMAN who drank two bottles of red wine last night is determined to share her pain with everyone around her, it has emerged.
EVERYONE likes to slurp up a shot of tequila from a stripper’s belly button, but did you know you’ve been doing it wrong your whole life?
A GUEST from the US is enjoying a British celebration of Halloween without all the sobriety and costumed nonsense he’s used to.
GETTING pissed in the pub is beginner shit. Advanced drinkers should head to these places where it's weird to get half-cut, but still possible.
