WORLD AFFAIRS! with Guest Blogger Kathy Lette

World affairs have always been a passion of mine - in fact, I've had affairs ALL AROUND THE WORLD, right? The ladies know what I'm talking about. But seriously, we live in a time of great international turmoil, and it's up to all of us to become better informed about the events that shape our lives. After all, most people believe that UNESCO is a new supermarket chain, am I right? So it's up to people like me and their clever writing to educate folk, and I'm great at educating - just the other day I taught Geoffrey how to do the dishes! Wowee!

Right now one of the greatest concerns facing the world is the Greek economic crisis, and it's no wonder they're in trouble, what with all the money they spend on plates! Whee! The real trouble is they can't pay their debts, which is a problem any woman can understand - how hard is it to pay off the credit card after getting a new pair of shoes, ladies? And what this means is they might have to default on their debt, which is always difficult - anyone who's married knows how hard it is to figure out whose "default" it is! This could result in Greece being expelled from the Eurozone. That probably doesn't sound like much of a big deal - most people probably think Euro is what coxswains yell out on the river! - but it really is, because that kind of financial contagion could easily spread here, a lot like crabs, and we wouldn't want Australia to get a nasty itch "down there"! Know what I'm saying ladies?

I mean look, I've always thought economics is a lot like having sex with Clive James - boring and depressing and taking up far too much space in the papers - but actually it has quite a big effect on lots of our lives, because without economics, we'll have no money, and without money how do we buy lipstick right girls?

Another big issue in world affairs is terrorism, which is a problem around the globe, although if they really want to see terrorism they should meet my mother-in-law!

Right?

Anyway, terrorism is a major problem, because a lot of people in Muslim countries want to blow us up, and who can blame them - have you seen the clothes they have to wear? I mean, get some colour into your frocks, girlfriend!

There's a lot of debate about the best way to deal with terrorism - personally I'd make all the terrorists meet my mother-in-law! Oh...wait...I already did that one didn't I? Anyway, many people think we should continue waging the War On Terror, which I'm all in favour of - let's start with those shoulder pads that the young girls wear nowadays! They sure terrify me! Oh sweetie are you a lady or a linebacker, is what I ask them! Talk about terrorists! Which we were, weren't we?

Yes, the War on Terror - what's the best way to go about it? Should we try to reason with them - any woman knows how hard it is to reason with a man when he's ready to explode! Or should we take a harsh line, including military action and torture? And any woman knows how effective torture can be - how else could we get our men to buy us jewellery! It's a difficult dilemma to resolve, a lot like whether to say you've got a headache or say you've got herpes.

But is it as big a dilemma as climate change? At our house we know all about climate change - the air gets really chilly every time I ask Geoff to set the table! But global warming is a serious issue and is caused by human emission of greenhouse gases, and I bet all the ladies out there know just how toxic gaseous emissions can be, especially when he's in bed, right? Oh men, what are they like?

But really we do need to take action on climate change, and it's difficult, because there'sso much misinformation out there - that's why most people think the greenhouse effect is what happens when your tomatoes are too small. And most people think tomatoes being too small is what happens when you take too many steroids. And most people think a steroid is something you play on an Atari! But I digress.

Point is, if we want to save our earth - and sometimes I wonder if we do, I mean men have pretty hairy backs - we need to take action NOW. I was discussing this just the other day at our place with our good friends and houseguests Julian Assange and Tim Flannery and Germaine Greer and Jose Ramos-Horta and Bob Geldof and Kofi Annan and Aung San Suu Kyi and Hillary Clinton - though with that hairdo she should be called Hillary ClintOFF, right? - and we all agreed that catastrophic climate change was less than desirable, a lot like a man who expects a roll in the hay after a day of not vacuuming the sofa.

Because after all, if we don't take care of the planet, what will be left for our children? Not that they'd notice what was happening to the planet what with all their iPod headphones and things, right? So it's up to use to take action before the earth becomes more inhospitable than Cher's vagina - hi-yo!

Look, there's plenty of world affairs I could run through for you - for example, sex: why do men think foreplay is how you start a game of golf? And feminism - most young girls today think Andrea Dworkin is a character from The Hobbit! And America - most Australians think Obama is what you say when you find out it's raining outside, but then again, once you go black you never go back right girls? I'd bunk down in those Baracks any old day! Right?

But time constraints prevent me from analysing (ha!) any further, so I'll say goodbye for now, and remember, STAY INFORMED!

A Glossary

Here is a list of South Australian political puns that you can drop into conversation to make your next social event go with a zing:

Nick Xenuphon

Mike Ranndy

Sandra Skanck

Penny Wrong

Natasha's Hot - Despoil Her

Alexander Downer

Submit your own South Australian Political Puns and win BIG PRIZES!

Australia: loves watersports

And so, what can we learn from the Olympics thus far? Australia currently sits on 11 gold medals, one behind Great Britain, but most of their medals don't actually count because they were won in silly meaningless sports like cycling and "49ers", which is a special kind of sailing where everybody gets in boats and travels back in time to the California goldrush. On the other hand, Australia has been winning medals in muscular, robust sports like "two person dinghy", where two people row a small wooden boat around and around in circles in a duck pond for several hours; and triathlon, a sport where small sinewy women put on big sunglasses and throw water on themselves.

The funny thing is, Australia has so far won all its gold medals in sports involving water, although Tamsyn Lewis has failed to make the 800m final despite looking a lot like a fish.

Most importantly, we have learnt from the media a valuable lesson in how to deal with a complete failure of conscious thought processes. When your neurons misfire and you literally cannot think of anything useful to say, the default "out" for the enterprising idiot is to simply blurt out any sentence beginning with the words "if Michael Phelps was a country".

"If Michael Phelps was a country he'd be fifth on the medals table"

"If Michael Phelps was a country he'd be well ahead of Australia, Canada and New Zealand"

"If Michael Phelps was a country he'd have lush green fields and a thriving agrarian economy"

"If Michael Phelps was a country he would strike quickly to secure the town of Gori"

Interestingly enough, if Tamsyn Lewis was a country she'd be dead last on the medal table and crippled by fire blight. And most of her citizens would be unemployed and clinically depressed.

Perhaps the most interesting element of the media coverage has been watching the press gradually come to the realisation that there are not as many good puns on Stephanie Rice's name as it seemed at first.

"Steaming Rice"..."Rice crackers"...er...."hot Rice?"

Seriously, "hot Rice?" That's not even a pun; ANYTHING can be hot! If "hot Rice" can be legitimately used as a pun, where will it end? Hot Diamond? Hot Callus? Hot Tomkins? That's just pathetic.

Thank God for Usain Bolt, who has allowed the sub-editors to move on from stupid rice puns and take up stupid bolt puns. "Nuts about Bolt"; "Bolt from the blue"; "Hot Bolt" etc.

Just wait till the Kookaburras hockey team takes gold. See how often "laughing kookaburras" are mentioned.

So let's all cheer for Sally McLellan in the hurdles, because I really want to see what sort of puns can be made on "McLellan".