The last seven days

This is just a quick update for you all on what I've been doing in the last week, so you can really sink your teeth into a whole bunch of me at once.

For example, if you want to read me in The Age on the subject of television, you can.

And if you want to read me in The Guardian on the subject of the Labor Party, you can. 

Or perhaps you'd like to check out my exclusive interview with Australia's Federal Racism Commissioner in the King's Tribune?  (and while you're there, subscribe FFS)

But maybe you'd rather read me on rugby union?

Or rugby league?

Probably you'll get the most satisfaction out of my piece on asbestos and how the government is using it to kill us, on New Matilda. (subscribe there too. Jesus)

Or you could just kick back and relax with my recap of the first episode of the new series of Masterchef.

Not that you need to, because my friend Dan Hall and I have covered all bases re: Masterchef's return in episode one of a brand new web series by GAMers Cam Smith and myself, MASTERCHAT. Check it out below, and stay tuned for next week's ep.







OK that's all for this week. There'll be some more stuff next week. Don't say that I never do anything for you people.

Where Can You Find Me?

Goodness, there are so many places!

You can find me at New Matilda calling decent Australians to arms against the tyranny which threatens our freedom.

You can find me in the excellent King's Tribune, either by subscribing or picking it up at the newsagent - the current issue has my piece on atheism!

You can find me at the stylish and attractive Kill Your Darlings, where I've written about hating Julia Gillard.

Or there's The Roar, where I've been writing about rugby!

And if THAT's not enough, prepare to be EXCITED beyond all BELIEF!

Because Meanjin is running their thrilling Tournament of Books, and if you go there and check out the head-to-head battles of some classics of Australian literature, you'll not only read some cracking reviews of some cracking books, but also see the highly-esteemed Jess McGuire and myself providing no-holds-barred COMMENTARY on each match. Such as this one, to take but one example. The tournament's still going, so head there, catch up, and get on-board.

Now, is that enough for you, you slavering dogs?

Who Likes Beauty?

Perhaps you have become aware in recent times of a bit of a "to-do" about the issue of child beauty pageants, sparked by such cultural phenomena as hit TV show Toddlers and Tiaras, as well as a recent such pageant held in Australia, and of course moralising do-gooders who for some reason want all our children to be ugly. I mean who would not LOVE a child like US pageant star Eden Wood?




Mmmm...cute.

Anyway I wrote on the subject for New Matilda:

It's Time To Let Kids Be Adults

As did visiting British journalist, libertarian and two-legged mouth Brendan O'Neill, in even more strident and convincing mien:

Well done pageant-haters

That O'Neill piece is filled with gorgeous lines and gentle wisdom, but probably my favourite bit is this:

"These children are absolutely being put in harm's way", declared child psychotherapist Collet Smart, who somehow, by osmosis maybe, seems to know better than parents themselves what is good for their children.

Yes indeed. How the HELL does this child psychotherapist claim to have any IDEA what's good for children? What on EARTH would a child psychotherapist know about children's welfare? Why in GOD'S NAME would you ever go to a child psychotherapist for advice about children? I mean, what sort of QUALIFICATIONS does a child psychotherapist have in this area? Shouldn't a child psychotherapist stick to her area of EXPERTISE, rather than shooting her MOUTH off about things she is NOT TRAINED to express an opinion on, such as children?

Child psychotherapists - the true enemy.

It's A Living

Alas it is true that from time to time I must use this blog not for higher purposes, but for grubby utilitarian self-promotion. And thus I'm just letting you know a few things I've been up to lately:

Firstly, please do not forget that my first book, Surveying The Wreckage, remains available for everyone to pay money for and laugh till their cheeks crack and bleed. Available at sophisticated bookshops, and also here.

Surveying the Wreckage of course is a collection of columns from New Matilda covering the years 2008-2010. For more recent satirical spewings, check out the site itself. In particular, my latest, about sluts and feminism and stuff. It made people angry!

Also my SECOND book (yes I know) is just about everywhere a book could want to be. This is just one place you could get it, but seriously there are HUNDREDS of places to buy it from. Also, I will soon elaborate on a competition I mentioned recently. A special Superchef competition for people who like Superchef, with a proper prize and everything! Stay tuned chefpions!

Also, if you like scholarly examinations of social mores and the role of comedy in our community, you probably didn't expect to find anything like that round here. But amazingly, I did one of those! For the latest edition of Meanjin magazine. You can subscribe online, or buy a hard copy from any of these fine establishments. I'm quite chuffed with this article, actually, it being unusual inasmuch as it is serious and makes me seem sort of clever and stuff.

Also! You can see me LIVE and UNCUT at The Bedroom Philosopher's High School Assembly at the Thornbury Theatre on June 24. I will be playing Principal to a motley assortment of juvenile delinquents including the BP himself, Tripod, Josh Earl, Damien Lawlor, Emilie Zoey Baker, the DC3, Anna Krien, and Sex On Toast. It will be HUGE! Get in quick, or you may MISS OUT probably.

Lastly, fans of Masterchef may or may not have noticed I've been writing the occasional recap of episodes. The first couple I did are below:

Here.


And here.

There'll be more of these, so watch out for them.

And that's all the plugging I'll be doing for today, I think. Lots going on, lots of fun! Thanks for reading, you're just wonderful. Here is a picture of a kitty.



UPDATE: The Meanjin article is now online for FREE here: http://meanjin.com.au/editions/volume-70-number-2-2011/article/offensive-comedy/

But still buy the magazine, it has other good stuff in it!

It Is Very Exciting

Do you like to read books? Do you like to laugh? Do you like to support struggling semi-writers? Do you like to make me feel good about myself?

Do you like to do ALL OF THESE THINGS AT ONCE?

Amazingly, YOU CAN. And you can do it SOON!

Because my first book, Surveying the Wreckage, which collects the best of my work for New Matilda from 2008-2010, is available for pre-order NOW! Published by Aduki Press:



Is this not thrilling? You can buy the actual physical artefact as kings did in days of old, or you can get it as eBook. The LUXURY OF CHOICE!

Also, on Aduki's homepage, see how you could win a FREE copy of Surveying the Wreckage, by nominating your favourite or least favourite piece of wreckage from the Rudd Years. Either use the tag #surveyingthewreckage on Twitter, or comment on Aduki's Facebook page. The best five win a free copy!

Survey with me today!

I'm so excited!

Exclamation mark!

Plugs

A quick plug for an article I wrote for Crikey on the whales who threaten our way of life.

And a BIGGER plug for my brand spanking new show in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival!

Yes! After years of saying "I will do it", I am ACTUALLY doing it!

Ben Pobjie's Funeral will run from 6 April-17 April, except for Monday and Tuesday, at 8.30pm, and will take place in the lush surrounds of Blue Velvet Bar and Nightclub, at 60 Smith St, Collingwood, a lovely spot indeed.

Tickets are $20, $15 concession, but for the the first two nights, a SPECIAL PREVIEW PRICE of $10 applies!

What is Ben Pobjie's Funeral all about? It's about one man's quest to make sense of life and death, and get people to say nice things about him while he's still around to appreciate it. It will deal with such urgent issues as:

- The meaning of life
- The meaning of death
- Zombies
- Cyclists
- The life cycle of the Port Jackson shark
- Wacky posters
- Jesus
- And many more

THERE WILL BE POETRY

Get tickets HERE!

New Stuff

A new article by me at New Matilda, on the subject of that smashing young man The Honourable Scott Morrison MP.

Has there ever been a manlier party than the current Liberals? Has there ever been a party oozing with more testosterone, bursting with more machismo, thrusting itself through the political hurly-burly with more irrepressibly tumescent force than this proud collection of men, and in a way, women, who stand now trembling on the threshold of government, ready to seize the reins of this out-of-control mustang and canter triumphantly into a brighter future?

Has there?

And so forth.

Oh Hello!

Didn't see you there!

I do apologise for the lapse in posting. This time it's not apathy, it's the fact we've just moved house, and we don't have the internet on yet. Needs a new washer or something. Anyway, I'm snatching a quick moment of out-of-home time just to let you know I'm still here, and exciting things are happening. It will be a big year indeed, and not just for me, and not just for extreme weather events, and not just for people who like to point out how wooden Julia Gillard is. For all of us.

Why?

Because NEWMATILDA IS BACK!

It will be reporting, dissecting, analysing and all that jazz throughout the year. If you love it, and why wouldn't you, do take out a subscription to keep it going into 2012 and beyond.

I myself will be contributing regularly to NM; my first of the new year is imminent, stay tuned.

In the meantime, tide yourself over with my contribution to a spiffy little mag called the King's Tribune, where I have noticed certain things.

Welcome back!

To same old place that you laughed about...



Did you have a good Christmas? A festive new year? Or was it a dark period in your life that you hope never to have to re-live?

Anyway, the new year is here, and full of exciting possibilities. Personally, I've been busy as hell, and in 2011 I've got lots of goodies to share.

Firstly, why not listen to the RETURN OF GATHER AROUND ME, Cam Smith and myself back to let you all know about the problems of teens who are also hospital administrators and/or staff. And some other things. Your ears will be amazed.

Also, look out for my upcoming contribution in the February issue of Kings Tribune magazine, my debut for this particular organ.

And of course, New Matilda is back next month to inform and delight you all! Make sure you check out the many fine writers contributing to debate there.

But besides these immediate concerns, let's look into the mists of the future. You may all commence slavering with anticipation, as March sees the publication of my first proper, real, honest-to-goodness papery BOOK!

Surveying the Wreckage, published by aduki Press.




Start ticking off the days now. I'm excited. Are you excited?


Welcome back, my friends, to the blog that never ends.

Stay Tuned

Things continue to happen, don't they?

Check out a new one by me at Crikey, where I have been standing up for the traditions that make this country great.

And guess what? You can still donate to Movember! You could donate there, or anywhere really. Donate to whatever facial hair you choose, it all goes to the right place.

Also, wheels are turning in regard to my show in next year's Comedy Festival.

STAY TUNED!

Bye Bye Sort Of

A somewhat sad blog post today, just a kind of public service announcement.

I urge you to go and read my latest weekly wrap for ABC's The Drum. Of course, I always like you to read my pieces, but this one is particularly special because it's my last weekly wrap; the Drum and I are parting ways.

No, this is not of my choosing. I loved writing for The Drum, and I will be forever grateful to my editor Jonathan Green for letting me ramble on the site, and likewise grateful to everyone who read my little jokings. I've enjoyed doing it for the past almost-a-year.

Sadly, though, the realities of tight budgets, tough decisions and the glorious uncertainty of being a freelance writer means I've been let go. That's life.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you'll still frequent The Drum, as it's a high-class site that deserves your eyeballs.

Of course I am not disappearing by any means. I'm still in the Age's A2 section writing about TV every Saturday, and of course the return of newmatilda.com has seen me stomp that old ground again. Check out my first for the new newmatilda.

And if you want to see newmatilda survive past the end of 2010, do throw some money their way - you'll be rewarded by continuing fine articles, including mine! Go here to find out how.

And I'm sure I'll be popping up elsewhere too - it's in my nature!

The weekly wrap's gone, but the caravan moves on.

In the Name of Balance

It has come to my attention that my latest piece on The Drum has attracted some criticism, along the lines of the assertion that while happy to bash innocent Catholics, I would never have the intestinal fortitude to bash people of alternative faiths.

Or as my most eloquent critic, "maz", writes, "It is not my opion but a fact that you have absolutely no legs to stand on"

To sum up, "You'd never have the guts to make fun of Muslims" is the prevailing attitude.

Now, I realise that the response of some of you readers will be, "What? Are they serious? What kind of fat-brained, worm-faced imbecile would actually possess the dunder-witted gall to voice this argument, given that it's not only factually inaccurate, but an intellectually bankrupt slab of nonsense that rests upon the premise that criticism of the flaws of an ideology or institution is invalid unless accompanied by criticism of the flaws of all other possible ideologies and institutions, as well as the assumption that a commentator or satirist should spend equal time on every potential target for insults or mockery no matter how obscure, inconsequential, anonymous, or devoid of impact upon broader society they are compared to others which exert massive influence over life in this country, are constantly in the public eye, and have recently received blanket coverage in print and electronic media across the country - in other words, commenting on things that matter to one's audience is invalid unless it comes with comment on things that don't? I mean, who are the morons trying to make this thrice-cursed abortion of an argument?"

Pretty harsh there, readers. Rude, almost. You should probably exercise a bit more tolerance before opening your mouth, if the above is all you can say.

Because for my part, I accept my critics' point, apologise for the hurt caused, and have decided to mend my ways. I therefore include below a quick compendium of religious attacks, which can be assumed to be appended to every future article I write on the subject of faith or gods. Ahem:



MUSLIMS! Geez, aren't Muslims crap? Praying five times a day? Geez, get off your knees and do some work. And covering up your women? What are you, gay?

JEWS! Man, do they ever shut up? Seriously, we GET it, Jews; life is hard. Change the record. And stop thinking you're so funny; nobody likes a smart-arse.

PROTESTANTS! Wow, don't get me started on protestants! What's wrong, too gutless to go full-Catholic? Pussies. You're just Catholics with bad taste in music, wankers.

MORMONS! Just piss off, Mormons. Get away from my house, get some better haircuts, and stop believing in idiotic stories about magic glasses. Everyone's laughing at you, dickheads.

HINDUS! What the hell is wrong with you, Hindus? At least Christians have the decency to only have ONE god to act stupid over. You've got like eighty thousand. Pick one, you indecisive sods! Stop trying to confuse us.

BUDDHISTS! What are they up to? Smiling and meditating all the time. They're planning something, crafty little bastards. And what's with the Dalai Lama? Get a new outfit!

SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTISTS! What the hell are you TALKING about? Crap!

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES! GO AWAY! WE DON'T LIKE YOU!

BA'HAI! Oh like you're even a real religion. Look at that stupid apostrophe. You're stupid.

SIKHS! Get a haircut.

SCIENTOLOGISTS! Seriously? I mean, really? You're sticking with that? Really? Jesus Christ.

RAELIANS! Aliens? What sort of moron goes around babbling about aliens? People like you need to be restrained with leather straps. PSYCHOS! Don't come near my kids!

KABBALISTS! Look, we know why you picked Kabbalah, and we think it's PATHETIC.

ATHEISTS! Oh, you think you're so frigging clever, don't you? Well, know what? You're BORING. You just BORE us all, all the time. We LIKE church - if you don't like it, stick it up your arse. Go read one of your precious "books" and leave the decent people alone.

AGNOSTICS! Stop being such a bunch of old women. "Ooh, I don't really think we can tell either way, because we -" Oh just PICK ONE! Jesus you people get on my goddamn wick.

SHINTO! I don't even know what shinto is! It sounds bloody stupid though! I bet you're really stupid!

PAGANS! Oh come ON! We all liked fairytales when we were little - why don't you grow up, losers? Liking ugly clothes is not a religion!

WICCANS! Stop calling yourself Wiccans! We all know what you are, and we have the matches ready, Devil-whores!

ANIMISTS! You disgust me.



OK, I think we've covered most of the bases there. Please copy and paste this at the end of all my articles, and we should all be sweet.

And once again, I do apologise for any offence I may have given previously. Thank God the days of bias are over.

A Think Piece

In today's Herald Sun, star columnist/pensioner Alan Howe, having just been informed that World War One is over, turns his attention to Australia's most recent military engagement, declaring that the Director of Military Prosecutions, Lyn McDade, who has charegd three soldiers in Afghanistan with manslaughter, "may well be the most dangerous woman in Australia."

Howe does note that the campaign against Brigadier McDade "is driven mostly by the puerile, angry and uneducated"; but on the other hand, much of the abuse "comes from big hearts". So that's all right then. When it comes to abuse and threats, it's the thought that counts. You see:

Brigadier McDade, 52, has spent her life in the law, which she knows very well. She has been a police prosecutor, deputy Northern Territory coroner and served as an army lawyer for many years.

But she has never been in a firefight with enemy determined to kill her, has never dragged back to camp a zipped-up body bag with a mate's limp, lifeless but still warm remains - and has never knocked on a suburban door to tell the occupants their son has been killed serving their country in some overseas hellhole. Like Afghanistan.

So we can all agree that her legal opinions are, essentially, worthless.

So anyway Howe goes on a bit about how disgraceful it is for Australian soldiers to be charged with anything and about how the Taliban are really, really bad people, so there's no way anyone fighting against them could ever do anything wrong, etc etc.

And then he identifies the crucial point:

So what is manslaughter? Well, the most recent convictions - for which you can be jailed 20 years - involved lowlife dog-catcher Mario Schembri and his slutty accomplice, Bernadette Denny, who killed businessman Herman Rockefeller in January.

They bashed Rockefeller to death. Schembri said he fought "like Muhammad Ali" as his uncountable blows hit Rockefeller "harder than he had hit anyone before".

Then they went to Bunnings and bought a chainsaw, disposable overalls, facemasks and a shovel, dismembered Rockefeller's body, cutting off the arms and legs and burning it all in a 44-gallon drum in a mate's backyard.

That's manslaughter.

Are any of our soldiers in Afghanistan guilty of that?

Well, er...no. Not really. So Howe makes a very good point. NONE of our soldiers in Afghanistan are guilty of that, so Brigadier McDade's logic starts to look a bit ropey, doesn't it now?

On the other hand, should the military justice system be amended so that soldiers cannnot be prosecuted unless they beat to death a millionaire who has disappointed them by failing to bring his wife on an unannounced wife-swapping visit before dismembering him with a new chainsaw from Bunnings, it may just narrow the terms of reference for military courts to a rather extreme extent.

"And when the private threw the grenade into the maternity ward, did he at any time claim to have 'fought like Muhammad Ali' before burning the evidence in a 44-gallon drum?"

"No, your honour"

"Case dismissed!"

So as much as we don't want to see these three soldiers convicted, perhaps we should at least allow for the possibility of prosecuting soldiers for crimes committed in battle, as opposed to prosecuting them only for crimes committed in working-class suburban homes and backyards against millionaires with secret lives?

Hmm?

SERIOUS ADDENDUM TO AVOID DISTRESSING CONFUSIONS:

Incidentally, and so it is clear, these guys might NOT have done anything wrong, and hopefully when they're tried it turns out that they didn't - it sounds as if they may have a pretty good defence. I guess we'll see. But if they were just doing their jobs, so is Brigadier McDade, and despite her lack of combat experience, when it comes to decisions to prosecute I'll take the opinion of a military legal expert over that of an opinion columnist. Although perhaps Alan Howe can sway me by telling me how many firefights he's been in and how many doors he's knocked on, since that seems to be the way we determine whether someone's legal opinions are valid or not.



Alan Howe: Strongman of the Editorial Page

Phoenix

Big news, friends and lovers!

Newmatilda is coming back!

Excited?

For those of you who came in late, having been attracted to this blog by my work at The Age, the Drum, or that post below on a delicate subject which seems to have attracted a certain amount of attention, Newmatilda was the birthplace of my career in professional sarcasm, as illustrated here or here or even here.

What's more, it featured lots of brilliant stuff written by people who aren't even me! And then it passed away. But thanks to the tireless efforts of those magnificent newmatilda-ites, it's back! And as you'll see in the first link, it needs support. So if the site tickles your fancy, do sign up to the email list and, should it be within your power, subscribe. Your life will be richer and better-informed for it.

Of course I am newmatilda for life, and I'll be contributing in some capacity to the new Newmatilda. So there's that to look forward to - as "ravenm" says:

"We want Ben!"

On the other hand, as "Self-righteous git" says:

"Pobje and Eltham were boring, don’t bring them back."

So, opinions on both sides there.

Welcome back NM!

Coming Soon

Hey read this! It's by me and stuff, from the weekend's Age.

But having thought so much about the shows we miss, I began thinking about the future of TV, and the part I have to play in it. I happen to know that most of this country's television executives read this blog religiously (on their knees, hands clasped, etc), and so I thought I would pitch:

BEN POBJIE'S TOP TEN SUREFIRE SMASH-HIT TV SHOW CONCEPTS:

1. Gene Pool - the zany shenanigans of three single men called Gene living in the same apartment, as they compete for the affections of the sexy female lion-tamer across the hall.

2. Easter - Over the course of one fateful Easter weekend, seventy-three very different people meet, fall in love, fight and kill each other a bit. Also it is set on a space station.

3. Hangdog - Can a dog in the big city make it as a professional hangman? Find out as we follow the wacky escapades of Lester the Executioner Dog, who's trying to juggle a demanding career, the strange ways of the city, and a turbulent romantic life. Lester is not a talking dog and possesses no particularly high level of intelligence. This only makes it harder.

4. Apples and Oranges - What happens when a racist greengrocer is ordered by a mentally-ill magistrate to share a mansion for a year with a Vietnamese confectioner? Well let's find out!

5. The Slippery Slope - This year's reality smash hit, in which fifteen hopeful contestants are placed on top of a mountain without food, clothing or shelter. Each week the contestants vote out their least favourite mountain-mate, who is then hurled down the mountain. It's a battle of wits/hypothermia!

6. Buried - The Series - If you enjoyed the new Ryan Reynolds film "Buried", you'll love this small-screen spin-off, starring Saved By The Bell heart-throb Mario Lopez in the role of Paul Conroy, a bumbling contractor who can't seem to stop getting buried alive every week! Also starring Dirk Benedict as the mysterious "Mr Elf".

7. Between a Rock and a Hard Place - Another reality crowd-pleaser, in which 12 teams of eight find themselves stuck between a rock and a hard place. The twist? The hard place is actually another rock!

8. Every Cloud - The hilarious adventures of a family of eight, indulging in wacky zaniness on an 1840s wagon train, where mom and dad find themselves completely out of touch with the younger generation and have to rely on Apax the robot butler to keep everything together!

9. Little Red Riding Hood - A cracking TV adaptation of the classic children's tale, with Red Riding Hood reimagined as a Mossad assassin, the wolf reimagined as a Somalian pirate lord, and Grandma reimagined as the United Nations Security Council. Throw in an alternative timeline in which the Boer War never happened and Nelson Mandela was born in Krakow, and you have a recipe for the wackiest five-minute stop-motion claymation show in years!

10. A Bird in the Hand - A harrowing in-depth look at the depraved world of professional ornithologists. Follow the lives, loves, lusts and hate-crimes of this twisted set of feather-fanciers as they wreak havoc on the mean streets of Hobart.

The Power!

In the latest development in my efforts to a) take over the world, and b) make sarcastic comments about Rebecca Gibney, I am pleased to inform you I have taken on a new job. As of this Saturday, 18th September, I am the new television writer for the A2 section of Melbourne's Age.

This means that every Saturday from now on I will be writing poignant and heartwarming treatises on issues of import to lovers of the medium, and probably some stuff about Kim Kardashian too. I do hope you will grace my column with your eyeballs. I'll do my best to make it worth your while.

It is a shame though, that just as I receive such wonderful TV-related news, I also hear some equally distressing news in the same area. A moment's silence please, for beloved Golden Girls boyfriend and Mel Brooks villain Harold Gould, and for beloved bumbling Gestapo henchman and occasional Ripping Yarns South American John Louis Mansi. Goodbye Miles, von Smallhausen; well done, good and faithful servants.

For Our Daughters' Sakes, She Must Be Stopped

The modern media has many purposes – entertainment, education, a substitute for the judicial system – but probably its most important function, for me at least, is as an emergency warning system for everyone who is worried about menaces to society. Whether it’s A Current Affair exposing the threat of single mothers lurking in our supermarket carparks, or the Herald Sun reporting that one in every three Australians is now a paedophile living next door to a primary school, the media is invaluable in letting us know just who’s coming to get us.

Which is why Bettina Arndt is, hands down, my favourite journalist in the whole wide world. If it weren’t for her, I never would have known just how badly my life was being destroyed by women’s low sex drive, and this week she’s done it again, warning us all that the new prime minister, Julia “Medusa” Gillard, is setting a bad example for Australian women everywhere.

It probably has not escaped anyone’s notice that the PM is living with a man, without having first consecrated the relationship via the sacred bonds of marriage. Or that, furthermore, she has chosen to live for 48 years without at any time making use of her reproductive system in pursuit of the survival of the human race and Western civilisation.

Of course, this is fine, in and of itself. If a woman decides that she wants to violate all standards of morality and decency in order to satisfy her own unnatural lusts even as she denies her inherent feminine purpose by selfishly putting the hedonistic enjoyment of a materialistic lifestyle ahead of the creation and nurturing of new life that gives all humanity a reason for being and without which a person is but a hollow soulless shell destined to die alone, unloved and without meaningful contribution to the world, who am I to judge?

But there’s a broader significance to the issue of Gillard’s sexual proclivities and rogue womb that goes well beyond the individual. As Bettina warns, it’s all about the example being set. Women are, as we know, easily led and slaves to trends – just look at Twilight – and there is a very real danger that if set a bad example by the most powerful woman in the land, other women, women without Gillard’s political career to fall back on, and without Gillard’s total absence of normal human emotion to comfort them, might find themselves making bad decisions..

And prime ministers are, of course, exceedingly influential in social matters, as we’ve seen time and again, with the likes of the Italian suit craze of the Keating years, or the enormous popularity in the late 1960s of disappearing mysteriously at sea. Why, Frank Forde was only in power for eight days, and yet that week sales of nipple rings rose 400 percent. And that was based on nothing more than an unfortunate misquote from a Press Club dinner. So we see how much sway prime ministers have over the common people.

Prime Minister, or First Whore?

And so what are the women of Australia – bless their little hearts – to think when they see Ms Gillard stand up before them and say, “Yes, I am proud to be a living outrage against social cohesion”? Why, quite naturally they will think, “Hey, if it’s good enough for Julia, it’s good enough for me!” And so we will see the country beset by an epidemic of women shacking up with men they aren’t married to, diving headfirst into the murky waters of shared en suites without the sturdy anchor of a marriage certificate to keep them from drifting onto the rocks of dissatisfaction. “I’m unmarried,” they will think to themselves, “I can leave anytime I want to.” And so, at the first sign of trouble or stress or long-term psychological abuse, off they’ll flit, away to the next “committed relationship”, footloose and fancy-free, totally unaware of the terrible price they will pay later in life, when they will live out their lives pushing shopping trolleys full of catfood around the streets, muttering to themselves and asking passing strangers if they’re looking for a de facto.

And what of any children that might come from these reckless relationships? How horribly scarred will these poor mites be, knowing they are the product of idle whims and experimental co-habitation? How horrible will it be for them to be forced to sit in the Bastard Corner at school, shunned by the legitimate students and mocked by the teachers?

Arndt has many examples to back her argument. Pat Rafter, for example. He had a child out of wedlock a few years back, and the results have been catastrophic. Thank God Bettina Arndt has finally taken the opportunity to expose the trail of shattered lives that Pat Rafter has left in his procreating wake. How many more, Pat? How many more people must you rob of dignity and crush beneath your heel before you’re sated?

Of course, there are worse things than children out of wedlock, such as not having children at all. Imagine at 20 telling yourself you would try to follow Gillard’s lead because she is an inspiration to all women, and all of a sudden, BANG! It’s 25 years later and you’re breaking into hospitals to steal babies to make up for all those who were never born because you thought you’d got a “role model” and that it was therefore OK to go to Bali or buy yourself an iPad instead of putting your ovaries to practical use.

So we can see how lucky we are that Arndt sounded the alarm. But still there is something nagging at me. The new prime minister is obviously an intelligent woman – some commentators have described her as “as smart as any man”, which is as high a compliment anyone could wish to be paid assuming she was a character in a Famous Five novel – and she obviously understands the consequences of her actions. So why? Why has she decided to nudge Australian womanhood in the direction of wanton sin and pleasure-seeking infertility?

It just didn’t make sense to me until…until I heard Gillard this week reveal on radio a rather disconcerting fact: she doesn’t believe in God.

Suddenly everything clicked into place. The non-marital sex. The wasted uterus. The pantsuit. She’s been operating without a moral compass. Flying blind.

I don’t see this from a Christian perspective; I don’t believe in God either. But I know I can handle non-belief. I know I have the ethical grounding and moral viscera to prevent me from running off half-cocked due to my lack of a higher power. I’m not sure this is the case for the PM.

Because sadly, even though you and I know we don’t need religion, most people do. Most people are far too stupid to be allowed to formulate their own moral frameworks and make their own decisions about good behaviour. Most people need to be protected from their own blithering idiocy, something the Labor Party knows all too well – that’s why they’re setting up an internet filter. And God is the internet filter of our everyday lives: keeping a watch on us and blocking us from all the naughty things that we really want to do. Like an internet filter, God also doesn’t necessarily work all the time, and slows us all down quite a bit, but at least he keeps us headed in the right direction.

And I’m afraid this is exactly where Julia Gillard’s problem lies. She answers to no higher power. She used to; and Rudd perhaps managed to keep her debauchery in check. But now he’s gone, she’s accountable to nobody but herself, and so will continue to engage in her perverse, unsanctioned, recreational monogamy, sending the message to all that such behaviour is perfectly acceptable in today’s society and thereby causing the nation to sink under the weight of the fractured relationships and blighted lives that await all who attempt relationships without the proper paperwork.

And so I beg you, Ms Gillard: find God. For your own sake, and for the sake of all the silly, impressionable, scatterbrained young lasses who fail to heed Bettina’s warning, and who look up to you so devotedly as a leader, a feminist icon, and a reasonable substitute for an independent mind.

Don’t let a generation of women slip away from their womanly destinies. Don’t let your own selfishness ruin everything for the rest of us. Pick up a bible. Pick up a nice white dress. Do the honourable thing. Because if our first female prime minister refuses to conform to tried-and-tested gender norms, what’s the point of having a woman there in the first place? We might as well have kept Kevin. At least he could cry like a girl.

Catching Up

I was asked by someone if there was an archive where might be stored all my articles. Well, all my articles at New Matilda of course can be accessed here, and the ABC Unleashed is where you'll find my weekly wraps - though I don't know how long those stay in the system, but I thought I'd round up what I could of stuff published in other places, and link to it, for anyone who might have come in late and want to browse some of the more exotic corners of Pobjieville:

My work from Crikey, in no particular order:

On Kyle and Jackie O

On my bid to become the right-wing Philip Adams

On Kelli Underwood's AFL commentary

On Hey Hey It's Saturday

On Michael Jackson


On Tiger Woods

On Australia Day patriots

Then there was this, from The Punch:

On Twitter

This, from Christmas 2008, in The Age:

And of course, on Twins, from babble.com.au.

Also, a couple pieces from the Australian Rationalist Society's Journal - latest one here about refugees and such. And my first here, about becoming an atheist.

Hope you enjoy reading those.

Apart from online, if you were in the mood to buy real paper books you could find my ramblings in the EWF Reader, on the subject of comedy writing. Or the Death Mook, with my short story, "The Black Angel's Love Song".

Or of course, go to http://www.lulu.com/benpobjie for my own collections, or email mrbehemoth@hotmail.com to buy them direct.

Of course, if you REALLY want a handy, nationally distributed collection of my pieces, start lobbying your local publishing house to contact me IMMEDIATELY.

But until then, thanks for reading!

Answers: It's What I Do

For countless millennia, folks have asked the question: Which is the best city in Australia?

What do you think?




OR





?

Of course, what YOU think couldn't matter less. What matters is that I have handed down my own judgment, the definitive last word on the Sydney-Melbourne rivalry.

Head over here to find out just which city is Australia's best, assuming that we're not counting Yass.

I Am Very Racist

So anyway, my latest article at newmatilda is right here.

It is about population policy, and includes phrases such as:

"obstetric dystopia"

"plentiful feral camels"

"take to it like a duck to breadcrumbs"

"the little buggers can swim"

How do I tie it all together? You'll only know if you click on the link!

But more important is the massive controversy that my article has inflamed among at least two people, due to the use of the phrase "Why are you being such a girl" in the introduction. Because according to "swivel35":

Substitute the “n” word for “girl” up there. See? You’d never get away with that nor could you even begin to call that satirical.

I have, indeed, become guilty of racism by word substitution. For example, elsewhere in the article, imagine if you substituted the "n word" for "seafood" in the following sentence:

if we boost our population growth we too can have a thriving electronics industry and a predominantly seafood diet.

That's even WORSE! I mean, "why are you being such a nigger?" is mainly offensive due to its incomprehensibility, but it is distressing to me to discover that I inadvertently advised my readers to eat black people.

Sorry readers!

Just so you can safely avoid this kind of accidental racism, here are some other phrases which you could not get away with if you substituted the word "nigger" for the word "girl":

"I prefer the intimate company of men to that of girls"

"I have four children - two boys and two girls"

"I have to take the girls to netball practice"

"See that girl in the straw hat? She looks pretty stupid"

"Fell In Love With A Girl is one of my favourite songs"

"I think there are distinct educational advantages to be gained by separating boys and girls into separate schools"

"I contracted AIDS from a girl I knew once"

"Girls should all go back to Africa where they came from"

"Stop these goddamned girls getting ideas above their station, strutting about the town, drinking our liquor and raping our womenfolk, damn dirty girls"

REMEMBER THIS!