NTA, but please take this as a lesson that you can't save a romantic partner. It's one thing to support a partner through a difficult time that arose after you already committed, but if one partner has been holding up the other from day one, the relationship will never be equitable.
YTA for being inflexible. The current arrangement isn't working, and for the sake of the baby, you need to figure out a new one. Could you do weekend nights? Could you take a nap instead of her, and she'd take over some of the afternoon time? You need to find a solution, or the kid could get hurt. Exhaustion is no joke.
Could you do weekend nights?
He literally does.
He said some. I was thinking he could take over completely.
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A soft YTA. You were just trying to help, but you don't actually know if she has an impairment. Maybe she is just really irresponsible, but maybe she has a disability that she doesn't have to share with you.
It would have been fine to just say that adoption isn't necessary for siblings to live together, but I don't think you totally understand what you're describing. An adult doesn't need to be declared gravely disabled to be adopted. Usually adult adoption is either a symbolic act or used as a way to guarantee inheritance. You described a conservatorship. That may be what she meant, and she just didn't know the word for it.
So.... you're a fully grown adult dating somebody who is barely out of high school, and you're making inappropriate sexual comments about her friends and trying to "fix" her. YTA.
Edit: so I’m getting a lot of “you don’t know what cultural appropriation means”. I just want to be clear, it isn’t wrong to use cultural decorations that aren’t yours? And not use items like chopsticks for example, properly?” Not trying to be defensive just want to understand. I just thought it felt wrong, and I didn’t want to do something that would offend a culture.
It's bad form to use things from another culture in an inappropriate way or to use things that hold spiritual significance for a culture. Personally using decorative elements from another culture isn't appropriation because you're using them for their intended purpose, to decorate. If you're using chopsticks to eat, you're using them properly.
Yes. She says I'm too subtle. I say she pays zero attention. For example, almost every single Friday I do a date night for us. Tapas, drinks, whatever. She will then get shocked when she says let's run random errands on a Friday night (that can easily be done any other night) and that annoys me. No she didn't think this was a fun activity, she just put zero thought into what Fridays usually are or that I might have spent all week making a menu...like I almost always do.
No, I never said Friday is date night. However it's been the exact same thing for a decade.
I do communicate well, we sit down and talk about things but some things I feel are so blatantly obvious that it's almost insulting I have to point it out. It's every.single.thing. to the point I'm going to have us write out things about ourselves, to have down on paper.
If this is a regular issue, start making plans a little earlier. It will give you both something to look forward to, and she'll know not to make other plans.
Fair. I do take the "leadership" role in that but I guess I don't make my plans clearly known. Just that Friday is date night, so expect to be busy. I tend to enjoy the spontaneous of designing my meal etc on a whim but maybe that doesn't work here.
Even if you don't have all the details, agree on a regular time.
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Nope. I've lived and worked with people who were addicts. That's WHY I learned about how it affects the brain. You're right: it IS hellish to live with addicts. I've felt the same rage and frustration as the OP. But the rage and frustration never did any good. In fact, they made the problem worse. I've never known an addict who quit drugs because people called him names. I've never known an addict--and I've known quite a few--who got treatment because people condemned her. In fact, it's had the opposite effect.
Understanding how addiction damages the brain and changes behavior doesn't magically make it any less frustrating, but it does help people who live with addicts know what to expect and why, which in turn helps them to protect themselves and others, and to use more effective means of convincing addicts to get into treatment than calling them names.
I understand that people want to downvote me for saying all this, and that's OK with me. It took me a long time and a lot of painful effort to change my views on addiction, and stop seeing it as a moral issue. It shouldn't have appalled me that other people continue to see it that way.
Nobody is obligated to endure "painful effort" to help someone who treats them like shit. You can love an addict as hard as you can, but they're still going to seek recovery on their own timeline. OP can't be expected to endure abuse with a smile on the off chance that her sister will decide to get clean.
Whoa. NONE of that is what I said. The reason the effort was painful for me was because it's so hard and uncomfortable to switch from sheer anger, frustration and resentment to an understanding--a GRIM understanding--of how addiction affects the brain. It was way easier FOR ME to be judgmental.
At NO POINT did I say or imply the OP should paste a smile on her face. That would be stupid and wrong. And I've never, ever said that loving an addict speeds them to recovery, nor would I ever spout such BS.
You have the right to say you don't believe in the science or that you think condemnation works, if that's what you think. You do NOT have the right to put words in my mouth or twist what I said. I'm asking you politely to stop.
I didn't say that I think condemnation works. I just don't agree that it makes them worse either. The addiction will turn literally anything, positive or negative, into a reason to keep using.
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Sounds like he's about to leave you for his ex
Sounds like he's trying. If the ex doesn't take the bait, he'll pretend it never happened.
NTA because of his comments. He didn't comment on the picture that she looked nice. He DMed it. Consider why he felt the need to do it privately.
gcitt
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