Daily Shouts

Two Truths and a Pie

It’s Thanksgiving again. Guess which one is the pie!

  • The average weight of a Thanksgiving turkey is fifteen pounds.
  • The average turkey doesn’t like to talk about her weight.
  • Turkey Potpie.
  • Thanksgiving week is one of the busiest travel periods of the year.
  • If you have two Martinis at the airport bar after your flight is delayed, you will end up rewatching the episode of “The O.C.” in which Marissa dies in Ryan’s arms, and you will cry.
  • Salty Stroopwafel Pie.
  • Calvin Coolidge once pardoned a raccoon on Thanksgiving and then kept it as his pet.
  • Calvin Coolidge had many dark secrets.
  • Calvin’s “Not Raccoon” Stripey, Grayish Pudding Pie.
  • When flying, the maximum amount of liquid you can bring in a carry-on is 3.4 ounces per container.
  • When they try to gate-check your carry-on bag, it isn’t because there’s no room left in the overhead compartments—we looked. There’s room. It’s because they have decided that you are a snivelling, weak little baby who can’t watch an old TV show for teens without making it about her recent breakup.
  • Little-Baby Hand Pie.
  • Ohio holds the record for largest pumpkin pie, with a specimen that weighed 3,699 pounds.
  • You hold the record for largest joint in pocket, with a specimen that you smuggled across state lines.
  • Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Blue-Gatorade Pie.
  • Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade floats are filled with about twelve thousand cubic feet of helium.
  • Your grandma’s wallet is filled with twelve thousand cubic feet of pictures of you during your “poncho phase,” and she’s showing them to a hot neighbor who is joining your family for Thanksgiving.
  • Sticky-Toffee Crunchy-Nut Pie.
  • Adult male turkeys are called gobblers; juvenile male turkeys are called jakes.
  • Jake is also the name of the hot neighbor, with whom you’re now smoking that joint in the bathroom.
  • Key-Lime Pie Jake Bought at Safeway.
  • Pi is an irrational number.
  • What’s irrational is the tone you just took with Grandma when she asked why you were away from the table for fifteen minutes.
  • No Pie for You!
  • Cranberries have an exceptionally high level of antioxidants.
  • The family dog has an exceptionally high chance of vibing with a little chunk of cheese under the table, because he was also in the bathroom with you and Jake.
  • Scout Just Slobbered on the Cranberry Pie.
  • Dog is man’s best friend.
  • But not according to Calvin Coolidge.
  • Calvin’s “Not Raccoon Even Though It’s a Way More Loyal Animal” Creamy Cream Pie.
  • The practice of cracking a wishbone dates to the Etruscans in 800 B.C.E.
  • Most wishes don’t come true.
  • Double-Crust Hollow Pie Husk.
  • Female turkeys don’t gobble but, rather, make a clicking sound.
  • Jake has a wife. Her name is Lacy, and she was late because she’s a pediatric surgeon and was removing a tumor from an infant’s spine.
  • Lacy’s Perfectly Latticed Sweet-Cherry Pie That She Woke Up at 4 A.M. to Make Because She’s Not Only Incredibly Smart but Also Thoughtful.
  • The longest Thanksgiving feast in history lasted three days.
  • Your flight home was supposed to last only five hours, but someone clogged all the toilets immediately after takeoff, so you had to make an emergency landing in Dallas, and they didn’t let you off the plane for snacks thanks to safety regulations that date to the Air Commerce Act, a key piece of legislation signed in 1926 by Calvin Coolidge.
  • Calvin’s “Fuck It, It’s Raccoon” Pie.