Hey bridesmaid beyotches!
Totally psyched to celebrate Rach and her wedding. Rach is really special to me (as I’m sure she is to all of you!) so I wanted to do something super unique for her bachelorette weekend. I loved everyone’s theme ideas (“Dazed and Engaged” is freakin’ funny, Em!) but I wanted to try to come up with a theme that isn’t plastered all over Pinterest for our Rach. So no more suggesting “Last Rodeo” or “Last Bash in Nash” or “Vegas Before Vows,” and, Mel, absolutely no “Same Penis Forever”—what is this, 2010? KK, love y’all! Let me know what you think of these themes.
Never “Alone” Again
Derek and I are absolutely obsessed with the show “Alone” on the History Channel, and I know Rach and her boo love it, too. I was thinking we could all fly to Vancouver, do a fun night of drinks in the city, and then the next day we could each get individually choppered out to our drop site in northern Vancouver Island. Then we’ll see how long we can last in the wilderness! Hunting (like single Rach did for a good man), building shelter (the way Rach and her guy will build a life together), and just surviving (all my married beyotches know what’s up). The thing I love about this option is that you won’t come out of it bloated from drinking all weekend. In fact, we’ll all probably drop a lot of weight—perfect for fitting into those bridesmaid dresses! If we decide to go this route, please let me know ASAP what supplies you’ll be bringing along. Everyone gets only ten items from the list I’m attaching to this e-mail. I won’t tell you what to pick, but if you don’t bring a flint, you’re an idiot.
Sing Before the Ring
Grab your passports, babes, we’re going to Seoul! As everyone knows, Rach and her honey first first fell in love over his Tinder bio that referenced his love of “The Masked Singer.” So we’re taking our girl to where it all began, the original masked singer, “King of Mask Singer,” or “미스터리 음악쇼 복면가왕.” We’ll see some sights, have authentic KBBQ (Kris, I know you’re veg—can you supply meals for yourself?), and then we’ll hit the stage! My college roommate’s uncle works for the host Kim Sung-joo, and he can hook us up with the opportunity to perform on the actual “King of Mask Singer” stage. We’ll need to send our measurements in, like, tomorrow so that Hwang Jae-geun, the mask designer, can get to work on our custom masks. And Tiff, I know you’re sensitive about your head size, but this is not the time to lie about your cranial diameter.
(Manifest) Destiny
Rach, forever an East Coast girlie, is making the move out West for her lover! So load up the RAV4s, we’re going on a road trip—following the Oregon Trail. We couldn’t get real wagons (weirdly impossible to rent and apparently not “street-legal”), but we can stockpile the food that they actually ate on the trail. We’re talking hardtack, dried fruit, cured meats—that’s right, charcuterie every night! Also we’ll bring along a milking cow for fresh dairy. Does anyone have a car that can fit a milking cow? Thanks!
Nauti or Nice
O.K., I liked Mads’s idea of “Yacht Before the Knot,” but unfortunately the yachts that could fit all twenty-three of us are way out of our price range. Never fear, though—I found a group of merchant marines who are willing to take us on as apprentices. And wouldn’t we be the sexiest group of mariners ever? We’d apprentice in the engine room, so def bring some clothes that you don’t mind getting dirty. Sun and sea! What more could we want to celebrate Rach’s special day? To be enlisted in the U.S. Merchant Marine, everyone has to pass a physical and a drug test, so please let me know if that’s going to be an issue for you.
Wedding Smells Are Ringing
Pack your bags, sluts! For this trip we’re headed to New London, Minnesota! We’re going in August so we can be in town for New London’s two biggest events: their annual music festival (T.B.C. if it’s still running) and the start of the New London–New Brighton Antique Car Run, a hundred-and-twenty-mile endurance tour for vehicles from 1908 and earlier (or any one- or two-cylinder vehicles from up to 1915). One warning: New London currently stinks. Like, really bad. Of sulfur. Mill Pond, connected to Crow River, reeks because of oxygen depletion over the long winter. Which means that the bacteria is either all dying or growing too much? Not sure. But Rach was a biology minor, and I thought this would give her a great opportunity to put that knowledge to the test!
O.K., that’s it from me! Let me know if anyone else has cool suggestions that don’t absolutely suck. (No offense, Mel.) Also, please get your loan applications in so that we can figure out who can afford to come. I’m going to start booking stuff, and I’ll completely lose my shit if I have to adjust how many bridesmaids are attending.
Xoxo Meg ♦
