Coming Soon

Lest We Recall

African and Caribbean nations are once more conspiring in black ingratitude over the civilising influence of the Atlantic slave trade. Two blocs comprising seventy-five countries have agreed to press for reparations and for the former colonial powers to cancel debts and invest in, of all things, healthcare and education for descendants of the slave trade's beneficiaries. Lesser breeds among the beastly Euro-wogs have buckled in accordance with their lack of moral fibre; the master race has responded with a staunch refusal to contemplate anything of the kind, just as one would expect from the only country to have abolished the slave trade without noticeably engaging in it.

Another Promising Start

Outside the journalistic profession, there may possibly be some few who recall the Head Boy pomp of Fishy Rishi's glistening pink Minister for Wogs, Beads and Trinkets. The reign of integrity began with a promise not to impose chaotic top-down reorganisations on the NHS (complete with waving of disabled and deceased offspring to prove it) and, with help from the Liberal Democrats, proceeded almost immediately to a chaotic top-down reorganisation of the NHS. A little later, having lost a vote to wog-bomb Syria because he was too lazy and self-complacent to win the Commons numbers, the glistening pink Head Boy lost the EU referendum because he was too lazy to face down the far right and too self-complacent to win the public vote. The reign of integrity ended with a promise to see the result through, which the glistening pink Head Boy immediately broke; a promise to continue representing his constituents, which the glistening pink Head Boy immediately broke; and the purchase of a luxury garden shed.

Flushed with the chance of renewed greatness, the glistening pink Head Boy emeritus has now come over all Little Lord Fauntleroy and proclaimed his intention to be more charitable to our little brown brothers, with help from feudal retainers of the quality of Andrew "Mr Propriety" Mitchell and the director of the Love Among the Posh film franchise. It is to be hoped that the lesser breeds will be appropriately grateful.

Bad Etymology

Adversity, n. from ad an instance of commercial propaganda, and verse a rhyme or jingle; hence an episode of misfortune, disaster or discomfort.

Privatise, v.t. from privy and Old French tirer to snatch away: to reform a public asset by stealing what is saleable and flushing the rest down the toilet.

Un-Framed

Nine Extinction Rebellion activists have been acquitted of criminal damage to the London headquarters of a well-known drug money launderer. They took hammers and chisels to HSBC's custom-glazed windows at an ungodly hour of the morning in order to publicise the company's investments in fossil fuels, causing damage which the unfortunate multinational criminal enterprise was forced to repair at a cost equivalent to nearly a dozen executive lunches. Although the prosecutor noted that the legality of a protest is not determined by the justice of its cause, the jury apparently disagreed; which, should the precedent be followed with undue effect on profits, presumably means that jury trials will shortly follow legal aid, the courts and the prison and probation systems into government-accelerated decrepitude.

Reverently, Discreetly, Advisedly, Soberly, and in the Fear of Schism

Gay marriages in the Church of England may soon, on a trial basis, and subject to the scruples of those who share the rabid homophobia of their nasty little god, look very similar to the weddings of real people; and doubtless those who condescend to perform such ceremonies will find it a most worthwhile, stimulating and enjoyable experience. The General Synod voted narrowly to defy the commandments of its invisible employer as set forth in Leviticus and unequivocally endorsed by the Saviour; and received in return the usual loving-kindness from both the Bible-bashing gay-baiters and the gentle-Jesus dupes. After the relevant amendment passed by a single vote and the motion for further moral hedging by a barely-lukewarm twenty-four, the bishop of London noted astutely that the Church of England, despite having had sex on the brain for more than twenty years, is not of one mind on the matter.

Watchdog Rolls Over Again

Ofwat, the moisture profiteering guard-poodle which has always seemed short of a consonant or two, concludes its latest round of vigilance amid accusations of meaningless gesturing. Since Thames Water responded to recent whines with more than the usual snigger of contempt, the regulator has reduced the amount which the company will have to hand back to customers. To have done otherwise would have been to reduce the financial incentives that Thames Water requires to repair the infrastructural neglect for which Thames Water is being penalised. Hence, far from making meaningless gestures, the watchdog has once more pressed its toothless gums affectionately to the burglar's ankle and then, having vigorously humped the arrow-patterned trouser leg, has further obliged its masters by fetching a few choice objects to help refill the bag marked SWAG.

Done in Oils

Connoisseurs of ethical Britishness will rejoice at the National Portrait Gallery's jumping out of bed with a fossil fuel company only to leap back in with the lawyers of several more. The Gallery put out for BP over three decades, but chose last year not to extend the relationship when the contract ran out. Instead the artistic patron formerly known as the BP Portrait Award will bask in the even catchier title of the Herbert Smith Freehills Award, as the defenders of BP, Chevron and Bank of America donate a week's executive lunch-money towards the prestige of Britain's daubers. It is certainly to be hoped that the more intemperate environmental campaigners are not provoked beyond their current performative tributes to the Suffragette movement; let alone towards the mistreatment of any genuine icons of national culture.

Terms of Service

Thanks awfully, you plucky little chap;
Now you have died for us, we'll shut our yap
On this condition, let us make it clear:
For no more than two minutes in the year.
We must be brief, lest agents of defeat
Rewrite your sacrifice as "no repeat!"
Carve this in stone for your memorial:
Though you fall mute, our cannons never shall.

Victor Brittan

Bad Etymology

Peaceful, adj. from Latin peius worse and -ful: tending towards the inconvenient, unpatriotic and unprofitable.

Protest, n. from Latin pro on behalf of and Middle English testif headstrong: an act of moral, verbal or physical intemperance directed against one's betters.