I am not, as you may know, a fan of any religion, and the faith in which I was immersed in my youth, Christianity, is far from being my favourite. Frankly, I dislike Christianity and would as a rule prefer a world free from its intrusion.
But finding the whole Christian malarkey rather on the nose doesn't mean I think there's nothing of value being preached in the churches. Of course, much of what IS good about Christianity is just universal morality, or borrowed from some older religion. But there is one core element of the faith that, though not necessarily unique to Christianity, always does seem to me to be a very distinctively Christian value, and that rare distinctively Christian value that all of us, whatever our spiritual disposition, would do well to practise more often.
That is forgiveness.
If Jesus was a real dude, he was onto something with the forgiveness spiel. And if he wasn't a real dude, kudos to whoever put it into his mouth.
Forgiveness, I think, is a pretty wonderful thing, and a thing that makes a better human being of the person who manages to inject a bit of it into their life.
Talk of "Christian values" is rife in the world of today. Pious fundamentalists will tell us that the phrase means sexual propriety, exchanging bodily fluids with people of a pre-approved genital configuration and so forth. And if you take their scriptures at their word, they do have at least a skerrick of support for that - thank whatever deity you like that not many people do take their scriptures at their word.
More secular types will speak of "Christian values" too - normally in the context of compassion and tolerance. In fact the term will be used as a stick to beat those who proclaim their own Christian belief but act without compassion and tolerance. And certainly there's more than a skerrick of scriptural support for those values, and anyone behaving without compassion towards their fellow man is probably not being very Christian in the strictest sense of the word. Although in other, more empirical senses of the word, they may be being very very Christian indeed.
But even compassion and tolerance, as laudable as they are, are the "easy" part of "Christian values". Being nice to people? Treating others kindly? We all should do these things, but that's not news, is it?
What's harder, and what is less likely to be promoted, either by the fundamentalists, or the Christian politicians, or the secularists berating the others for betraying their own values, is forgiveness.
"Love thy neighbour" is an easy matter. What's hard is "love thine enemy".
When we talk of compassion, it's usually in the context of those we deem "Deserving". The people we see as having done no wrong, who have been mistreated or fallen on hard times through no fault of their own. We are eager to extend the hand of friendship to anyone we think has earned it. And so we should.
But so rarely are we called to extend that hand to those who don't deserve it. So rarely do we emphasise the importance of granting compassion to those who have done wrong, who have mistreated others, who have caused misery to others, who have hurt us.
For the most part, we prefer to condemn than to forgive, and we have convinced ourselves that this is not only easier and more satisfying, but that it is right. Those who do wrong deserve condemnation, and we will pour what they deserve upon their heads as much as we can. After all, how can we correct bad behaviour, we confidently ask ourselves, if we do not turn our backs on those who behave badly and make it clear: you are not welcome here.
And I am no different to anyone else: this is my instinct too. This is what I do more often than not.
But I don't want to. I want to try harder, and be better. I want to make the effort to forgive. I don't want to seethe with hate and anger, even when it's entirely justified. I want forgiveness to become a part of my doomed atheist soul.
Forgiveness is a thing of inestimable value, precisely because it is not restricted to those who deserve it. It is a thing of sublime beauty, not because it is just, but because it is generous.
Forgiveness, real forgiveness, means looking at someone who has done you wrong, and saying I will not hate you.
It means seeing a human being hurt another human being, and saying we need not hold onto that hurt forever.
It means seeing atrocity, and saying even the worst in humanity does not have to poison the best.
It means recognising that for even the most corrupt and depraved among us, the sins we commit are not the totality of ourselves, and that every person ever born was more than just their worst deeds.
It means saying redemption is real, and possible, and important, and nobody is beyond it.
It means knowing that the human animal is complex and messy, and nothing it thinks or says or does is so simple we can place each other in neat categories of good and evil: the reasons that we do right or wrong are not so amenable to easy identification that we should find our judgments infallible.
It means, more than anything, declaring that you will never deny the humanity of a fellow traveller in this life, even at those times when they may try to deny yours.
I want to embrace forgiveness. I don't want to deny room in my heart for sympathy or pity, even when I'm looking at someone who my gut says deserves none of either. I don't want to hate people even when they hate me, and I don't want to bay for vengeance against anyone, no matter how much they deserve retribution, or how little they deserve compassion.
I want to forgive people. Not to excuse actions or abandon values, but to grant the recognition of our shared humanity to everyone, even those - especially those - who have done everything to merit the revocation of that recognition.
And I want you to as well. But if you don't, I'll forgive you.
Showing posts with label Christians. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christians. Show all posts
Monday, April 25, 2016
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Bernard's Long Night Of The Soul
The candles flickered in the library. The lone figure, bent wearily over his books, shook his head and sighed. He had been there from early morning, and now, in the small hours, he was thoroughly exhaused. Yet he would not rest, for he knew - somehow in his bones he knew - that what he was looking for was somewhere in here.
"Mr Gaynor?" enquired the librarian timidly, approaching the desk. "I really should be closing the library, sir. Perhaps you should go home."
Bernard did not lift his head, but let a light chuckle escape his lips.
The librarian was uncertain of her next move. "Mr Gaynor?"
"Dammit woman!" he exploded, turning his flashing, manly eyes upon her. "Do you think truth and justice run according to your schedules?"
The librarian had to admit, on brief reflection, that they did not. Gaynor waved in her face the hefty leatherbound tome over which he had most recently been poring. It was a dusty volume from the late 19th century, titled "HOW TO DO A SEX WITH LADIES". On the desk lay pages and pages of scribbled notes and a variety of other texts, some similarly aged, some modern, but all of them on related subjects: "HOW OUR BITS WORK" lay beside "RUDE PARTS AND WHAT THEY DO", which lay underneath "ANIMALS DOING IT IN PICTURES". Across the desk was "WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE KISSING" and "WHO SHOULD BE ON TOP ANYWAY?", while tossed in frustration to the floor was a selection including "WHERE WHICH GOES IN WHAT FOR KIDS", "HAPPY TIMES WITH WIVES" and "HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A BOY".
Clearly the scholar had been studying intently in search of something, but what? The librarian shook her head and retreated. Locking the door behind her, she left him to his studies, all through the night.
Gaynor's eyes darted across the page in the dim light. He knew it was here: the key to all his theories, the one discovery that would electrify the world and prove once and for all that his warnings were timely and correct, and that indeed, the gays were seeking to steal his organs.
He flicked through pages and pages of diagrams and photographs and scholarly monographs and graphic depictions. He licked his lips, aroused and stimulated in a philosophical sense. He was so close, so close that he could taste it. Or at least he could taste something. It was salty.
And then...he saw it.
"YES!" he shrieked, his voice echoing around the musty halls of knowledge. All alone, he danced a dance of triumph. "I have it!" he yelled happily. "I have it!"
He leapt through the window, rolling joyously onto the grass amid a shower of broken glass, and rushed off in the direction of Officeworks to have as many laminated copies of his discovery made as possible, for dissemination amongst the media which would be in a few hours assembled on his doorstep.
For there, flapping wildly in his hand like the cape of a great hero of antiquity, was the book that contained the key, that would end the argument once and for all and allow Bernard to usher in a new age of genuine Christian love and well-oriented decency. It flapped and snapped in the breeze created by his great cross-lawn speed, his thumb placed still in the middle, keeping it open on the page which bore the great truth, the awesome discovery he had stumbled upon. For there, upon those yellowing, crackly pages, were the words with which he would change the world:
"PENIS GOES IN VAGINA"
He cackled gleefully. From now on, everything was going to be all right.
"Mr Gaynor?" enquired the librarian timidly, approaching the desk. "I really should be closing the library, sir. Perhaps you should go home."
Bernard did not lift his head, but let a light chuckle escape his lips.
The librarian was uncertain of her next move. "Mr Gaynor?"
"Dammit woman!" he exploded, turning his flashing, manly eyes upon her. "Do you think truth and justice run according to your schedules?"
The librarian had to admit, on brief reflection, that they did not. Gaynor waved in her face the hefty leatherbound tome over which he had most recently been poring. It was a dusty volume from the late 19th century, titled "HOW TO DO A SEX WITH LADIES". On the desk lay pages and pages of scribbled notes and a variety of other texts, some similarly aged, some modern, but all of them on related subjects: "HOW OUR BITS WORK" lay beside "RUDE PARTS AND WHAT THEY DO", which lay underneath "ANIMALS DOING IT IN PICTURES". Across the desk was "WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE KISSING" and "WHO SHOULD BE ON TOP ANYWAY?", while tossed in frustration to the floor was a selection including "WHERE WHICH GOES IN WHAT FOR KIDS", "HAPPY TIMES WITH WIVES" and "HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A BOY".
Clearly the scholar had been studying intently in search of something, but what? The librarian shook her head and retreated. Locking the door behind her, she left him to his studies, all through the night.
Gaynor's eyes darted across the page in the dim light. He knew it was here: the key to all his theories, the one discovery that would electrify the world and prove once and for all that his warnings were timely and correct, and that indeed, the gays were seeking to steal his organs.
He flicked through pages and pages of diagrams and photographs and scholarly monographs and graphic depictions. He licked his lips, aroused and stimulated in a philosophical sense. He was so close, so close that he could taste it. Or at least he could taste something. It was salty.
And then...he saw it.
"YES!" he shrieked, his voice echoing around the musty halls of knowledge. All alone, he danced a dance of triumph. "I have it!" he yelled happily. "I have it!"
He leapt through the window, rolling joyously onto the grass amid a shower of broken glass, and rushed off in the direction of Officeworks to have as many laminated copies of his discovery made as possible, for dissemination amongst the media which would be in a few hours assembled on his doorstep.
For there, flapping wildly in his hand like the cape of a great hero of antiquity, was the book that contained the key, that would end the argument once and for all and allow Bernard to usher in a new age of genuine Christian love and well-oriented decency. It flapped and snapped in the breeze created by his great cross-lawn speed, his thumb placed still in the middle, keeping it open on the page which bore the great truth, the awesome discovery he had stumbled upon. For there, upon those yellowing, crackly pages, were the words with which he would change the world:
"PENIS GOES IN VAGINA"
He cackled gleefully. From now on, everything was going to be all right.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
A Matter Of Concern
I am concerned. One might even say worried. That's not such an unusual statement, of course: in this world there are many things to be concerned about, such as the government, the actions of the government, the individual members of the government, the malicious intentions of the government, et al. But there are times when, believe it or not, I can manage to divert my mind from the impending socio-cultural rape of the nation by Bob Brown and find a way to worry about other, more specific and pressing matters.
In particular, today I am worried about Fred Nile.
Now don't get me wrong - I have nothing against Mr Nile. I realise there are those who would dub him a creepy liver-spotted hobgoblin whose diseased mind is fixated purely on the goal of making others as miserable as his own decayed psyche has caused him to become; but I do not condemn in this way. I say live and let live, irrespective of whether you are an ethically deranged half-man half-toad with as much moral sensibility as a pubic louse and all the capacity for compassion of a paedophiliac vulture. I pride myself on my willingness to tolerate and accept the lifestyle choices of all my fellow citizens, and if (I say IF) Mr Nile's personal preference is to live his life as a shrivel-hearted, wither-witted, soul-stunted bible-frotter with a strength of belief in his own dogmatic ideology of anti-human hatred that is matched only by the intensity of mania which he brings to his perverted obsession with his own hopelessly malformed view of the sexual behaviour of complete strangers - well, that's no skin off my nose. I pass no judgment. That's for Our Lord to do.
But what worries me is when people try to promulgate their own particular lifestyle choices into the public sphere. I am rather afraid that Fred Nile, by wilfully being Fred Nile right out in public where everyone can see him, may be sending a message to our society that being Fred Nile is somehow acceptable. After all, it is one thing to be Fred Nile in the privacy of one's own home; it is quite another to be Fred Nile where impressionable children can see you.
And it is, as always, the children who I am concerned about. Is it really fair to a child, at an age when their values and opinions are not yet fully-formed and they are extremely susceptible to suggestion from adults and the mass media, to expose them to the Fred Nile lifestyle? The danger is that they may absorb the idea that being Fred Nile is perfectly normal, that it is, in fact, a natural thing to be. Is that the sort of thing we want to teach our children? Shouldn't we wait until they are fully grown and let them make up their own minds whether being Fred Nile is a good thing?
I mean, look, I am no prude. I am no wowser. I am no, for want of a better word, Celia from Home and Away. I think that Fred Nile should be free to live his life without harassment, and even to marry and have children if that's what he wants for himself. I just object to him shoving himself down our throats. There is such a thing as decency, and I think it betrays a shocking decline in the standards of civilised western society that in our once decorous and respectful community, we now barely bat an eyelid at the sight of someone blatantly and shamelessly being Fred Nile, in broad daylight!
I can remember a time when being Fred Nile was purely a matter for consenting adults behind closed doors. Now it seems Fred Nile is everywhere, on our TV screens, in our newspapers, even in our churches - surely the one place one would have thought one could rely on for an upholding of community standards. The danger we face is that this saturation of Fred Nile, forever being rammed into our faces, will result in a situation where being Fred Nile becomes fashionable, or "cool".
I just worry that if this trend continues, if we keep on sending the message to our youth that being Fred Nile is not only normal, but also, somehow, admirable, we run the risk that they will grow up wanting to be Fred Nile themselves. And is that what we really want? Is that the future we want for our kids?
Look, I'm a realist. I know it's the 21st century and there are some concessions we must make to the modern world. But surely, even while accepting there are certain social phenomena that will always be with us, we can stand up for deceny and moral rectitude? Surely we can fight to keep those less desirable aspects of modernity in their proper place, quarantined from the activities of upright citizens?
That's all I'm saying - I don't want to ban Fred Nile, I just want to make sure that if people want to be Fred Nile, they keep it in the right and proper place - their own homes, and parliament.
Let's keep pushing for the Australia we all want to live in. Don't let YOUR children get sucked in by Nile-ist propaganda.
If you'd like to know more about the Movement For The Insulation Of Children From Fred Nile, contact NSW Premier Barry O'Farrell for a nice chat.
In particular, today I am worried about Fred Nile.
Now don't get me wrong - I have nothing against Mr Nile. I realise there are those who would dub him a creepy liver-spotted hobgoblin whose diseased mind is fixated purely on the goal of making others as miserable as his own decayed psyche has caused him to become; but I do not condemn in this way. I say live and let live, irrespective of whether you are an ethically deranged half-man half-toad with as much moral sensibility as a pubic louse and all the capacity for compassion of a paedophiliac vulture. I pride myself on my willingness to tolerate and accept the lifestyle choices of all my fellow citizens, and if (I say IF) Mr Nile's personal preference is to live his life as a shrivel-hearted, wither-witted, soul-stunted bible-frotter with a strength of belief in his own dogmatic ideology of anti-human hatred that is matched only by the intensity of mania which he brings to his perverted obsession with his own hopelessly malformed view of the sexual behaviour of complete strangers - well, that's no skin off my nose. I pass no judgment. That's for Our Lord to do.
But what worries me is when people try to promulgate their own particular lifestyle choices into the public sphere. I am rather afraid that Fred Nile, by wilfully being Fred Nile right out in public where everyone can see him, may be sending a message to our society that being Fred Nile is somehow acceptable. After all, it is one thing to be Fred Nile in the privacy of one's own home; it is quite another to be Fred Nile where impressionable children can see you.
And it is, as always, the children who I am concerned about. Is it really fair to a child, at an age when their values and opinions are not yet fully-formed and they are extremely susceptible to suggestion from adults and the mass media, to expose them to the Fred Nile lifestyle? The danger is that they may absorb the idea that being Fred Nile is perfectly normal, that it is, in fact, a natural thing to be. Is that the sort of thing we want to teach our children? Shouldn't we wait until they are fully grown and let them make up their own minds whether being Fred Nile is a good thing?
I mean, look, I am no prude. I am no wowser. I am no, for want of a better word, Celia from Home and Away. I think that Fred Nile should be free to live his life without harassment, and even to marry and have children if that's what he wants for himself. I just object to him shoving himself down our throats. There is such a thing as decency, and I think it betrays a shocking decline in the standards of civilised western society that in our once decorous and respectful community, we now barely bat an eyelid at the sight of someone blatantly and shamelessly being Fred Nile, in broad daylight!
I can remember a time when being Fred Nile was purely a matter for consenting adults behind closed doors. Now it seems Fred Nile is everywhere, on our TV screens, in our newspapers, even in our churches - surely the one place one would have thought one could rely on for an upholding of community standards. The danger we face is that this saturation of Fred Nile, forever being rammed into our faces, will result in a situation where being Fred Nile becomes fashionable, or "cool".
I just worry that if this trend continues, if we keep on sending the message to our youth that being Fred Nile is not only normal, but also, somehow, admirable, we run the risk that they will grow up wanting to be Fred Nile themselves. And is that what we really want? Is that the future we want for our kids?
Look, I'm a realist. I know it's the 21st century and there are some concessions we must make to the modern world. But surely, even while accepting there are certain social phenomena that will always be with us, we can stand up for deceny and moral rectitude? Surely we can fight to keep those less desirable aspects of modernity in their proper place, quarantined from the activities of upright citizens?
That's all I'm saying - I don't want to ban Fred Nile, I just want to make sure that if people want to be Fred Nile, they keep it in the right and proper place - their own homes, and parliament.
Let's keep pushing for the Australia we all want to live in. Don't let YOUR children get sucked in by Nile-ist propaganda.
If you'd like to know more about the Movement For The Insulation Of Children From Fred Nile, contact NSW Premier Barry O'Farrell for a nice chat.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
In the Name of Balance
It has come to my attention that my latest piece on The Drum has attracted some criticism, along the lines of the assertion that while happy to bash innocent Catholics, I would never have the intestinal fortitude to bash people of alternative faiths.
Or as my most eloquent critic, "maz", writes, "It is not my opion but a fact that you have absolutely no legs to stand on"
To sum up, "You'd never have the guts to make fun of Muslims" is the prevailing attitude.
Now, I realise that the response of some of you readers will be, "What? Are they serious? What kind of fat-brained, worm-faced imbecile would actually possess the dunder-witted gall to voice this argument, given that it's not only factually inaccurate, but an intellectually bankrupt slab of nonsense that rests upon the premise that criticism of the flaws of an ideology or institution is invalid unless accompanied by criticism of the flaws of all other possible ideologies and institutions, as well as the assumption that a commentator or satirist should spend equal time on every potential target for insults or mockery no matter how obscure, inconsequential, anonymous, or devoid of impact upon broader society they are compared to others which exert massive influence over life in this country, are constantly in the public eye, and have recently received blanket coverage in print and electronic media across the country - in other words, commenting on things that matter to one's audience is invalid unless it comes with comment on things that don't? I mean, who are the morons trying to make this thrice-cursed abortion of an argument?"
Pretty harsh there, readers. Rude, almost. You should probably exercise a bit more tolerance before opening your mouth, if the above is all you can say.
Because for my part, I accept my critics' point, apologise for the hurt caused, and have decided to mend my ways. I therefore include below a quick compendium of religious attacks, which can be assumed to be appended to every future article I write on the subject of faith or gods. Ahem:
MUSLIMS! Geez, aren't Muslims crap? Praying five times a day? Geez, get off your knees and do some work. And covering up your women? What are you, gay?
JEWS! Man, do they ever shut up? Seriously, we GET it, Jews; life is hard. Change the record. And stop thinking you're so funny; nobody likes a smart-arse.
PROTESTANTS! Wow, don't get me started on protestants! What's wrong, too gutless to go full-Catholic? Pussies. You're just Catholics with bad taste in music, wankers.
MORMONS! Just piss off, Mormons. Get away from my house, get some better haircuts, and stop believing in idiotic stories about magic glasses. Everyone's laughing at you, dickheads.
HINDUS! What the hell is wrong with you, Hindus? At least Christians have the decency to only have ONE god to act stupid over. You've got like eighty thousand. Pick one, you indecisive sods! Stop trying to confuse us.
BUDDHISTS! What are they up to? Smiling and meditating all the time. They're planning something, crafty little bastards. And what's with the Dalai Lama? Get a new outfit!
SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTISTS! What the hell are you TALKING about? Crap!
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES! GO AWAY! WE DON'T LIKE YOU!
BA'HAI! Oh like you're even a real religion. Look at that stupid apostrophe. You're stupid.
SIKHS! Get a haircut.
SCIENTOLOGISTS! Seriously? I mean, really? You're sticking with that? Really? Jesus Christ.
RAELIANS! Aliens? What sort of moron goes around babbling about aliens? People like you need to be restrained with leather straps. PSYCHOS! Don't come near my kids!
KABBALISTS! Look, we know why you picked Kabbalah, and we think it's PATHETIC.
ATHEISTS! Oh, you think you're so frigging clever, don't you? Well, know what? You're BORING. You just BORE us all, all the time. We LIKE church - if you don't like it, stick it up your arse. Go read one of your precious "books" and leave the decent people alone.
AGNOSTICS! Stop being such a bunch of old women. "Ooh, I don't really think we can tell either way, because we -" Oh just PICK ONE! Jesus you people get on my goddamn wick.
SHINTO! I don't even know what shinto is! It sounds bloody stupid though! I bet you're really stupid!
PAGANS! Oh come ON! We all liked fairytales when we were little - why don't you grow up, losers? Liking ugly clothes is not a religion!
WICCANS! Stop calling yourself Wiccans! We all know what you are, and we have the matches ready, Devil-whores!
ANIMISTS! You disgust me.
OK, I think we've covered most of the bases there. Please copy and paste this at the end of all my articles, and we should all be sweet.
And once again, I do apologise for any offence I may have given previously. Thank God the days of bias are over.
Or as my most eloquent critic, "maz", writes, "It is not my opion but a fact that you have absolutely no legs to stand on"
To sum up, "You'd never have the guts to make fun of Muslims" is the prevailing attitude.
Now, I realise that the response of some of you readers will be, "What? Are they serious? What kind of fat-brained, worm-faced imbecile would actually possess the dunder-witted gall to voice this argument, given that it's not only factually inaccurate, but an intellectually bankrupt slab of nonsense that rests upon the premise that criticism of the flaws of an ideology or institution is invalid unless accompanied by criticism of the flaws of all other possible ideologies and institutions, as well as the assumption that a commentator or satirist should spend equal time on every potential target for insults or mockery no matter how obscure, inconsequential, anonymous, or devoid of impact upon broader society they are compared to others which exert massive influence over life in this country, are constantly in the public eye, and have recently received blanket coverage in print and electronic media across the country - in other words, commenting on things that matter to one's audience is invalid unless it comes with comment on things that don't? I mean, who are the morons trying to make this thrice-cursed abortion of an argument?"
Pretty harsh there, readers. Rude, almost. You should probably exercise a bit more tolerance before opening your mouth, if the above is all you can say.
Because for my part, I accept my critics' point, apologise for the hurt caused, and have decided to mend my ways. I therefore include below a quick compendium of religious attacks, which can be assumed to be appended to every future article I write on the subject of faith or gods. Ahem:
MUSLIMS! Geez, aren't Muslims crap? Praying five times a day? Geez, get off your knees and do some work. And covering up your women? What are you, gay?
JEWS! Man, do they ever shut up? Seriously, we GET it, Jews; life is hard. Change the record. And stop thinking you're so funny; nobody likes a smart-arse.
PROTESTANTS! Wow, don't get me started on protestants! What's wrong, too gutless to go full-Catholic? Pussies. You're just Catholics with bad taste in music, wankers.
MORMONS! Just piss off, Mormons. Get away from my house, get some better haircuts, and stop believing in idiotic stories about magic glasses. Everyone's laughing at you, dickheads.
HINDUS! What the hell is wrong with you, Hindus? At least Christians have the decency to only have ONE god to act stupid over. You've got like eighty thousand. Pick one, you indecisive sods! Stop trying to confuse us.
BUDDHISTS! What are they up to? Smiling and meditating all the time. They're planning something, crafty little bastards. And what's with the Dalai Lama? Get a new outfit!
SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTISTS! What the hell are you TALKING about? Crap!
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES! GO AWAY! WE DON'T LIKE YOU!
BA'HAI! Oh like you're even a real religion. Look at that stupid apostrophe. You're stupid.
SIKHS! Get a haircut.
SCIENTOLOGISTS! Seriously? I mean, really? You're sticking with that? Really? Jesus Christ.
RAELIANS! Aliens? What sort of moron goes around babbling about aliens? People like you need to be restrained with leather straps. PSYCHOS! Don't come near my kids!
KABBALISTS! Look, we know why you picked Kabbalah, and we think it's PATHETIC.
ATHEISTS! Oh, you think you're so frigging clever, don't you? Well, know what? You're BORING. You just BORE us all, all the time. We LIKE church - if you don't like it, stick it up your arse. Go read one of your precious "books" and leave the decent people alone.
AGNOSTICS! Stop being such a bunch of old women. "Ooh, I don't really think we can tell either way, because we -" Oh just PICK ONE! Jesus you people get on my goddamn wick.
SHINTO! I don't even know what shinto is! It sounds bloody stupid though! I bet you're really stupid!
PAGANS! Oh come ON! We all liked fairytales when we were little - why don't you grow up, losers? Liking ugly clothes is not a religion!
WICCANS! Stop calling yourself Wiccans! We all know what you are, and we have the matches ready, Devil-whores!
ANIMISTS! You disgust me.
OK, I think we've covered most of the bases there. Please copy and paste this at the end of all my articles, and we should all be sweet.
And once again, I do apologise for any offence I may have given previously. Thank God the days of bias are over.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
You are so GROUNDED!
So apparently, a team of "evangelical explorers" have discovered what they believe to be the remains of Noah's Ark.
Ninety-nine point nine percent certain.
That it is.
Noah's Ark.
They found some wood on a mountain, and they are 99.9 percent certain that it is Noah's Ark.
That would be the ark built to house two of every animal on earth, gathered into one place in ancient Palestine to escape a flood that COVERED THE ENTIRE PLANET.
Hey, "evangelical explorers"!
"It's not 100 percent that it is Noah's Ark but we think it is 99.9 percent that this is it," Yeung Wing-cheung, a member of the team said.
Ninety-nine point nine percent certain.
That it is.
Noah's Ark.
They found some wood on a mountain, and they are 99.9 percent certain that it is Noah's Ark.
That would be the ark built to house two of every animal on earth, gathered into one place in ancient Palestine to escape a flood that COVERED THE ENTIRE PLANET.
Hey, "evangelical explorers"!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Smarter than your average jar
The article which WAS here, on the subject of Gary Ablett's Herald Sun think-piece about evolution, peanut butter, and why it's science's fault he supplies massive amounts of drugs to women young enough to be his daughter, has been taken off the blog due to the piece being promoted to the ABC. Enjoy it there.
But while you're here, why not admire the great man's unique grace and athleticism. And, um, brains and stuff.
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But while you're here, why not admire the great man's unique grace and athleticism. And, um, brains and stuff.
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Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
And while the flames are licking about my ankles...
And another thing...
Occasionally my writing does branch out in strange new directions, and so a little curio, a novelty, a gift-shop fishing-troll, a pewter cameo brooch, for you.
At the risk of alienating my vast fundamentalist Christian audience, I hereby link to the back cover of the journal of the Rationalist Society of Australia, which in its current incarnation features a humourist of ill-repute.
An excellent society, the RSA, and one whose existence continues to be justified and urgently required due to obscenities such as the Exclusive Brethren, who continue to fight the good fight in the cause of destroying families, ruining lives, and child abuse.
Hey, the kids hate their dad! Well done, thou good and faithful servants.
Occasionally my writing does branch out in strange new directions, and so a little curio, a novelty, a gift-shop fishing-troll, a pewter cameo brooch, for you.
At the risk of alienating my vast fundamentalist Christian audience, I hereby link to the back cover of the journal of the Rationalist Society of Australia, which in its current incarnation features a humourist of ill-repute.
An excellent society, the RSA, and one whose existence continues to be justified and urgently required due to obscenities such as the Exclusive Brethren, who continue to fight the good fight in the cause of destroying families, ruining lives, and child abuse.
Hey, the kids hate their dad! Well done, thou good and faithful servants.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
With Eggs!
Sometimes, Easter can be a confusing time for those not steeped in solemn religious tradition. So for those of you who count among that number, here is a quick explanation of the Easter story, couched in modern terms for easy understanding.
THE STORY OF EASTER FOR THE MODERN "KIDS"
Imagine that you are driving, and in front of you is a big fancy car. Suddenly it slams on the brakes. You do likewise, but cannot stop in time. You slam into the back of the car.
The driver gets out of the car and confronts you.
DRIVER: You hit my car!
YOU: I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened.
DRIVER: It's not surprising really. I cut your brakes.
YOU: What?
DRIVER: Yes. Last night I came to your house and cut your brakes. Then I deliberately braked hard so you would hit me. I set it up so this would happen. I planned it all along.
YOU: So it's your fault?
DRIVER: Oh no, even though I planned it, it's still your fault. So now I have to punish you (takes out a gun).
YOU: You're going to shoot me.
DRIVER: Yes. In the head.
YOU: Isn't that a bit extreme?
DRIVER: Hey, YOU crashed into MY car! You need to be punished.
YOU: But...
DRIVER: OK, look, I am a kind and loving guy. I forgive you. I won't shoot you.
YOU: Oh good.
DRIVER: But I will have to shoot someone. Hey Junior, come out here! (his son gets out of the car, he shoots him in the head)
YOU: Dear God. Why did you do that?
DRIVER: Well, I wanted to forgive you, so I had to kill someone. Say thank you.
YOU: What?
DRIVER: I just saved you from being shot to death. Thank me!
YOU:...Thank you?
DRIVER: OK. Now here's my phone number. Ring me up every day for the rest of your life to say thank you again, and I won't shoot you in the head.
YOU: I thought you didn't have to shoot me, because you shot your son.
DRIVER: Oh yeah, but if you're going to be ungrateful, I'll have to shoot you anyway.
YOU: I'm very confused.
DRIVER: Here, have a chocolate bunny.
And that's Easter.
For a more inspirational take on the holiest holiday, see newmatilda.
THE STORY OF EASTER FOR THE MODERN "KIDS"
Imagine that you are driving, and in front of you is a big fancy car. Suddenly it slams on the brakes. You do likewise, but cannot stop in time. You slam into the back of the car.
The driver gets out of the car and confronts you.
DRIVER: You hit my car!
YOU: I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened.
DRIVER: It's not surprising really. I cut your brakes.
YOU: What?
DRIVER: Yes. Last night I came to your house and cut your brakes. Then I deliberately braked hard so you would hit me. I set it up so this would happen. I planned it all along.
YOU: So it's your fault?
DRIVER: Oh no, even though I planned it, it's still your fault. So now I have to punish you (takes out a gun).
YOU: You're going to shoot me.
DRIVER: Yes. In the head.
YOU: Isn't that a bit extreme?
DRIVER: Hey, YOU crashed into MY car! You need to be punished.
YOU: But...
DRIVER: OK, look, I am a kind and loving guy. I forgive you. I won't shoot you.
YOU: Oh good.
DRIVER: But I will have to shoot someone. Hey Junior, come out here! (his son gets out of the car, he shoots him in the head)
YOU: Dear God. Why did you do that?
DRIVER: Well, I wanted to forgive you, so I had to kill someone. Say thank you.
YOU: What?
DRIVER: I just saved you from being shot to death. Thank me!
YOU:...Thank you?
DRIVER: OK. Now here's my phone number. Ring me up every day for the rest of your life to say thank you again, and I won't shoot you in the head.
YOU: I thought you didn't have to shoot me, because you shot your son.
DRIVER: Oh yeah, but if you're going to be ungrateful, I'll have to shoot you anyway.
YOU: I'm very confused.
DRIVER: Here, have a chocolate bunny.
And that's Easter.
For a more inspirational take on the holiest holiday, see newmatilda.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Danny Nalliah: World's Sexiest Man?
I catch the fire and sound a warning to my fellow Victorians about the dangers of womb-liberation and god-defying - with thanks to modern-day prophet and public-minded ubermensch Pastor Danny Nalliah, and his Catch The Fire Ministries, AKA Australia's Conscience - in my latest New Matilda article.
However, it is true that that article was the second I wrote on the subject. The first didn't make it to publication, but I am going to reproduce it here, just in case anyone might be interested in reading it for purposes of comparison and enlightenment and saying, "Yeah, I can see why".
So this is another piece on Nalliah, EXCLUSIVELY FOR BLOG READERS, below:
Dear God,
I know I haven’t been in touch for a while, and I do apologise for taking up your valuable time; I know you must be terribly busy. But frankly God – and I hope you don’t mind my using your first name, I like to stay informal – some of us have recently become a little worried about some of the company you’ve been keeping. We’re afraid you’ve fallen in with a bad crowd. And we’d hate to see you go off the rails because of your friends’ bad influence.
Take Pastor Danny Nalliah. Please (That was a joke, God – you may not be au fait with the modern edgy comedy). I don’t know if you’ve heard, but he’s been going around spreading this rumour that you were responsible for the Victorian bushfires of the past week. According to the good pastor, you set the state alight to punish Victorians for legalising abortion last year. He knows this, because in October last year he had a dream, in which, according to his press release, “I saw fire everywhere with flames burning very high and uncontrollably”. He interpreted this as meaning that you had removed your protection “from the nation of Australia, in particular Victoria, for approving the slaughter of innocent children in the womb”.
Now, I confess that last weekend when I looked out my front door and saw the smoke rising, I did for a fleeting moment think, “Oops, I hope this isn’t because of that womb that I approved the slaughter of innocent children in”. It’s a good thing I read the papers and found out about the extreme heat and high winds and abundance of fuel, or I would have been beating myself up all week over it.
But what I’m getting at, God, is that this “pastor” seems to be trash-talking you. Are you really happy with being labelled an arsonist?
I realise that there have been incidents in the past. I realise that you do have, shall we say, a certain amount of “form” in this area. But hey, we all did stupid things in our youth. We all have our crazy stories to tell, about drunken parties and childish vandalism and killing firstborn sons. But past is past. Bygones, etc. You wouldn’t want to be judged on the Old Testament any more than, to take a random example, Peter Costello would want to be judged on any hypothetical past messages he might have theoretically sent to certain non-specific religious maniacs, back before he became a respected journalist. Youthful indiscretions etc.
I doubt you’d appreciate Danny Nalliah coming along and besmirching your reputation, after all the work you’ve put in on the public relations front. I don’t mind telling you, God, we’re all kind of annoyed down here. To be honest, the fires have been a bit of a bugger for us. I know you’d hate to think anyone thought you might be responsible. And I know you’d hate people to think you were wasting your time setting uterus-induced fires when you could be using your time more constructively.
And that’s why I’m writing to you, God, because I don’t think you should be associating with people like this. If nothing else, the name “Catch The Fire Ministries” is a bad look. Can you imagine being a member? Walking around saying, “Hey, have you caught the fire?” An awkward situation for any thinking person – so I suppose it’s not really a problem for them.
But there’s more. Danny Nalliah is saying you’re a firebug, but he’s also saying you’re an incompetent firebug. According to him, abortion was legalised on October 10, 2008, but you didn’t get around to doing anything about it until February 7, 2009. So according to Pastor Danny Nalliah, so-called Christian clergyman, either you are so slow on the uptake that it takes you four months to catch up with the latest news, or you’re incapable of starting a fire until the hottest day of the year. He’s dissing your omnipotence, man! Are you going to stand there and take that?
If you need more convincing, consider this: Nalliah’s church has apparently been assisting in bushfire relief, sending out trucks to distribute clothes and food and such. That’s right, God: he thinks the bushfires are your divine will, and he’s trying to thwart you. Outrageous? Yes. Sacrilegious? Yes. Downright rude? Damn straight.
So, let’s go through the litany. The man spreads vicious rumours about you. He calls you an arsonist. He calls you incompetent. He defies your will. I’m sorry God, it’s time to cut him loose. I know he’s a Pastor, I know he’s one of your flock, but there is an old saying I remember from my Baptist youth group: “Anyone who would call your omnipotence and benevolence into question in libellous press releases isn’t really your friend”.
Time to bear that in mind. You have to sever all ties. Don’t go to Nalliah’s services, don’t mix with him socially, stop replying to his emails. It might be painful, but a clean break is the only way when you get mixed up with such disreputable types.
Please do it, and do it now. You missed your chance with Steve Fielding, don’t miss your chance with Danny Nalliah. Because it’s a slippery slope. Today it’s Nalliah, tomorrow you could be getting mixed up with Miranda Devine, Australia’s classiest right-wing simpleton. Imagine that. If you think it’s bad getting blamed for setting fires, imagine how it’ll be when you’re getting blamed for hanging Bob Brown from a lamp post. Embarrassing, yeah? But that’s how it goes: once you start hanging with dodgy characters, you’re on a downward spiral, and if you don’t nip it in the bud, it’ll be but a short step to the lunatic fringe and Andrew Bolt quoting scripture to prove that Antarctica is getting colder.
I’m only saying this for your own good, God. I’ve seen so much potential ruined when good folks make bad choices. I’d hate to see that happen to you. And to be blunt, you’re not a kid anymore. You’re old enough to know better – you’re almost as old as the humorous device of the fake open letter. So it’s time to take some responsibility. Send out your own press release. Let the headlines tomorrow say that Danny Nalliah’s been slapped down by the boss. Send an unequivocal message.
Or failing that, a well-directed lightning bolt should do the trick.
Yours in Christ,
Ben Pobjie
However, it is true that that article was the second I wrote on the subject. The first didn't make it to publication, but I am going to reproduce it here, just in case anyone might be interested in reading it for purposes of comparison and enlightenment and saying, "Yeah, I can see why".
So this is another piece on Nalliah, EXCLUSIVELY FOR BLOG READERS, below:
Dear God,
I know I haven’t been in touch for a while, and I do apologise for taking up your valuable time; I know you must be terribly busy. But frankly God – and I hope you don’t mind my using your first name, I like to stay informal – some of us have recently become a little worried about some of the company you’ve been keeping. We’re afraid you’ve fallen in with a bad crowd. And we’d hate to see you go off the rails because of your friends’ bad influence.
Take Pastor Danny Nalliah. Please (That was a joke, God – you may not be au fait with the modern edgy comedy). I don’t know if you’ve heard, but he’s been going around spreading this rumour that you were responsible for the Victorian bushfires of the past week. According to the good pastor, you set the state alight to punish Victorians for legalising abortion last year. He knows this, because in October last year he had a dream, in which, according to his press release, “I saw fire everywhere with flames burning very high and uncontrollably”. He interpreted this as meaning that you had removed your protection “from the nation of Australia, in particular Victoria, for approving the slaughter of innocent children in the womb”.
Now, I confess that last weekend when I looked out my front door and saw the smoke rising, I did for a fleeting moment think, “Oops, I hope this isn’t because of that womb that I approved the slaughter of innocent children in”. It’s a good thing I read the papers and found out about the extreme heat and high winds and abundance of fuel, or I would have been beating myself up all week over it.
But what I’m getting at, God, is that this “pastor” seems to be trash-talking you. Are you really happy with being labelled an arsonist?
I realise that there have been incidents in the past. I realise that you do have, shall we say, a certain amount of “form” in this area. But hey, we all did stupid things in our youth. We all have our crazy stories to tell, about drunken parties and childish vandalism and killing firstborn sons. But past is past. Bygones, etc. You wouldn’t want to be judged on the Old Testament any more than, to take a random example, Peter Costello would want to be judged on any hypothetical past messages he might have theoretically sent to certain non-specific religious maniacs, back before he became a respected journalist. Youthful indiscretions etc.
I doubt you’d appreciate Danny Nalliah coming along and besmirching your reputation, after all the work you’ve put in on the public relations front. I don’t mind telling you, God, we’re all kind of annoyed down here. To be honest, the fires have been a bit of a bugger for us. I know you’d hate to think anyone thought you might be responsible. And I know you’d hate people to think you were wasting your time setting uterus-induced fires when you could be using your time more constructively.
And that’s why I’m writing to you, God, because I don’t think you should be associating with people like this. If nothing else, the name “Catch The Fire Ministries” is a bad look. Can you imagine being a member? Walking around saying, “Hey, have you caught the fire?” An awkward situation for any thinking person – so I suppose it’s not really a problem for them.
But there’s more. Danny Nalliah is saying you’re a firebug, but he’s also saying you’re an incompetent firebug. According to him, abortion was legalised on October 10, 2008, but you didn’t get around to doing anything about it until February 7, 2009. So according to Pastor Danny Nalliah, so-called Christian clergyman, either you are so slow on the uptake that it takes you four months to catch up with the latest news, or you’re incapable of starting a fire until the hottest day of the year. He’s dissing your omnipotence, man! Are you going to stand there and take that?
If you need more convincing, consider this: Nalliah’s church has apparently been assisting in bushfire relief, sending out trucks to distribute clothes and food and such. That’s right, God: he thinks the bushfires are your divine will, and he’s trying to thwart you. Outrageous? Yes. Sacrilegious? Yes. Downright rude? Damn straight.
So, let’s go through the litany. The man spreads vicious rumours about you. He calls you an arsonist. He calls you incompetent. He defies your will. I’m sorry God, it’s time to cut him loose. I know he’s a Pastor, I know he’s one of your flock, but there is an old saying I remember from my Baptist youth group: “Anyone who would call your omnipotence and benevolence into question in libellous press releases isn’t really your friend”.
Time to bear that in mind. You have to sever all ties. Don’t go to Nalliah’s services, don’t mix with him socially, stop replying to his emails. It might be painful, but a clean break is the only way when you get mixed up with such disreputable types.
Please do it, and do it now. You missed your chance with Steve Fielding, don’t miss your chance with Danny Nalliah. Because it’s a slippery slope. Today it’s Nalliah, tomorrow you could be getting mixed up with Miranda Devine, Australia’s classiest right-wing simpleton. Imagine that. If you think it’s bad getting blamed for setting fires, imagine how it’ll be when you’re getting blamed for hanging Bob Brown from a lamp post. Embarrassing, yeah? But that’s how it goes: once you start hanging with dodgy characters, you’re on a downward spiral, and if you don’t nip it in the bud, it’ll be but a short step to the lunatic fringe and Andrew Bolt quoting scripture to prove that Antarctica is getting colder.
I’m only saying this for your own good, God. I’ve seen so much potential ruined when good folks make bad choices. I’d hate to see that happen to you. And to be blunt, you’re not a kid anymore. You’re old enough to know better – you’re almost as old as the humorous device of the fake open letter. So it’s time to take some responsibility. Send out your own press release. Let the headlines tomorrow say that Danny Nalliah’s been slapped down by the boss. Send an unequivocal message.
Or failing that, a well-directed lightning bolt should do the trick.
Yours in Christ,
Ben Pobjie
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Creepy Christians...
Just got a little bit creepier.
"SHE is only 16, but her parents believe a court carried out God's will when it said she could marry her 26-year-old boyfriend."
"The pair began courting when Lucinda was 14."
"They met seven years ago through her father, Greg Law, an elder of a 25- member band of vegetarian "independent Christians" who call themselves Manifold Ministries."
"Their love blossomed when Lucinda's father and Mr Ramsay began working together on an outreach program preaching against the "new-world order"."
"Mr Law said he noticed how attached his daughter had become to Mr Ramsay and decided to play matchmaker."
Healthy? I should say so!
"SHE is only 16, but her parents believe a court carried out God's will when it said she could marry her 26-year-old boyfriend."
"The pair began courting when Lucinda was 14."
"They met seven years ago through her father, Greg Law, an elder of a 25- member band of vegetarian "independent Christians" who call themselves Manifold Ministries."
"Their love blossomed when Lucinda's father and Mr Ramsay began working together on an outreach program preaching against the "new-world order"."
"Mr Law said he noticed how attached his daughter had become to Mr Ramsay and decided to play matchmaker."
Healthy? I should say so!
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