With Eggs!

Sometimes, Easter can be a confusing time for those not steeped in solemn religious tradition. So for those of you who count among that number, here is a quick explanation of the Easter story, couched in modern terms for easy understanding.

THE STORY OF EASTER FOR THE MODERN "KIDS"

Imagine that you are driving, and in front of you is a big fancy car. Suddenly it slams on the brakes. You do likewise, but cannot stop in time. You slam into the back of the car.

The driver gets out of the car and confronts you.

DRIVER: You hit my car!

YOU: I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened.

DRIVER: It's not surprising really. I cut your brakes.

YOU: What?

DRIVER: Yes. Last night I came to your house and cut your brakes. Then I deliberately braked hard so you would hit me. I set it up so this would happen. I planned it all along.

YOU: So it's your fault?

DRIVER: Oh no, even though I planned it, it's still your fault. So now I have to punish you (takes out a gun).

YOU: You're going to shoot me.

DRIVER: Yes. In the head.

YOU: Isn't that a bit extreme?

DRIVER: Hey, YOU crashed into MY car! You need to be punished.

YOU: But...

DRIVER: OK, look, I am a kind and loving guy. I forgive you. I won't shoot you.

YOU: Oh good.

DRIVER: But I will have to shoot someone. Hey Junior, come out here! (his son gets out of the car, he shoots him in the head)

YOU: Dear God. Why did you do that?

DRIVER: Well, I wanted to forgive you, so I had to kill someone. Say thank you.

YOU: What?

DRIVER: I just saved you from being shot to death. Thank me!

YOU:...Thank you?

DRIVER: OK. Now here's my phone number. Ring me up every day for the rest of your life to say thank you again, and I won't shoot you in the head.

YOU: I thought you didn't have to shoot me, because you shot your son.

DRIVER: Oh yeah, but if you're going to be ungrateful, I'll have to shoot you anyway.

YOU: I'm very confused.

DRIVER: Here, have a chocolate bunny.

And that's Easter.

For a more inspirational take on the holiest holiday, see newmatilda.

Dark Signs

Seen on a sign at San Churro Chocolateria:

"Hey, Dads love chocolate. Why not pick him up something special from San Churro? And while you're here, get a treat for yourself (he'll never know)."

Now, let's leave aside for a moment the implication that the ability to produce viable sperm is inextricably linked to a hunger for the derivations of the cacao bean ("My genes are transmitted. Now for a Mars Bar").

What I am interested in here is the suggestion that, if you are to go to San Churro to get a Father's Day confection for your dear old dad, and if while there you choose to indulge in a bit of the sweet stuff yourself, you are best advised to keep it to yourself.

What exactly are the consequences of your father finding out that you got something for yourself? Is San Churro saying that while Dad will be delighted to get chocolate as a gift, if he discovers that you had some chocolate of your own, there'll be hell to pay? Will Dad get violent? Will the situation be something like this:

Upon receiving chocolate:



Upon finding out that his child has also had chocolate:




I'm just really worried about all these unstable fathers going around ready to snap at the slightest suggestion their children have been eating chocolate.