Now lads. I know ye've been paying attention. My guides to being Irish were gulped down enthusiastically; let's see how great ye are at regurtitating. I've been advised that the first rule in marketing is to know your target audience, so let's look upon this as a getting to know you session, shall we? Tea and buscuits and all that? That's a good place to start too, so...
What kind of tea?
a) Earl Grey, thanks.
b) Supervalu Own Brand
c) Barrys.
And the bikkies?
a) Hobnobs
b) Bourbons
c) What's left in the Rover tin?
What kind of tea?
a) Earl Grey, thanks.
b) Supervalu Own Brand
c) Barrys.
And the bikkies?
a) Hobnobs
b) Bourbons
c) What's left in the Rover tin?
Settled in? Alright, off we go.
You're off to the US on a 3 month holiday. What do you bring with you?
a) Your passport, a scared expression, no ties to the IRA
b) Taytos, Barrys tea, Galtee rashers, brown bread.
c) A good pair of work boots.
What's the best kind of tractor?
a) A Massey... er... O'Callaghan?
b) One driven by a man in a flat cap.
c) A Honda Civic
What's the best thing to hear in an Irish niteclub?
a) Johnny Moy
b) Amhrán na bhFiann
c) The Baywatch Theme
Why are you still in Ireland, anyway?
a) The economy
b) The Craic
c) The Mammy
What can you smell when you venture into the Great Outdoors?
a) Camping gear, fleeces, GAA jerseys.
b) Freedom!
c) Honda Civics
And what can you smell when you go home to your Mammy's house?
a) Espresso
b) Good home cooking
c) Yesterday's carrots, Pledge, bleach.
What's your drug of choice?
a) Cocaine
b) Guinness!
c) Whatever's going around. Preferably free and in a can.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers are
a) So last year
b) A bunch of feckin' yanks
c) God
How do you vote?
a) Fia... Actually, that's confidential.
b) Sinn Fein
c) They'll tell me when I get off me arse and register.
Christ! What's that smell?!!
a) Wild garlic
b) Silage
c) Bad pint.
Where do you swear?
a) In the pub.
b) Everywhere!
c) I don't befuckinglieve you asked me that.
Which of these is funniest?
a) Dylan Moran
b) Brendan Grace
c) A B&B; called Mount Bernadette
Her eyes they shone like diamonds, you'd think she was queen of the land...
a) That Glenda Gilson gets about, alright.
b) and her hair hung over her shoulders, tied up with a black velvet band!
c) With her ould lad slung over her shoulder, and half a pig's arse in her hand.
Priests are
a) An ageing breed
b) Pillars of the community, still.
c) Always asking for money
Bertie Ahern is
a) The Taoiseach
b) a Cute Hoor
c) a cunt
You're off to the US on a 3 month holiday. What do you bring with you?
a) Your passport, a scared expression, no ties to the IRA
b) Taytos, Barrys tea, Galtee rashers, brown bread.
c) A good pair of work boots.
What's the best kind of tractor?
a) A Massey... er... O'Callaghan?
b) One driven by a man in a flat cap.
c) A Honda Civic
What's the best thing to hear in an Irish niteclub?
a) Johnny Moy
b) Amhrán na bhFiann
c) The Baywatch Theme
Why are you still in Ireland, anyway?
a) The economy
b) The Craic
c) The Mammy
What can you smell when you venture into the Great Outdoors?
a) Camping gear, fleeces, GAA jerseys.
b) Freedom!
c) Honda Civics
And what can you smell when you go home to your Mammy's house?
a) Espresso
b) Good home cooking
c) Yesterday's carrots, Pledge, bleach.
What's your drug of choice?
a) Cocaine
b) Guinness!
c) Whatever's going around. Preferably free and in a can.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers are
a) So last year
b) A bunch of feckin' yanks
c) God
How do you vote?
a) Fia... Actually, that's confidential.
b) Sinn Fein
c) They'll tell me when I get off me arse and register.
Christ! What's that smell?!!
a) Wild garlic
b) Silage
c) Bad pint.
Where do you swear?
a) In the pub.
b) Everywhere!
c) I don't befuckinglieve you asked me that.
Which of these is funniest?
a) Dylan Moran
b) Brendan Grace
c) A B&B; called Mount Bernadette
Her eyes they shone like diamonds, you'd think she was queen of the land...
a) That Glenda Gilson gets about, alright.
b) and her hair hung over her shoulders, tied up with a black velvet band!
c) With her ould lad slung over her shoulder, and half a pig's arse in her hand.
Priests are
a) An ageing breed
b) Pillars of the community, still.
c) Always asking for money
Bertie Ahern is
a) The Taoiseach
b) a Cute Hoor
c) a cunt
Ah, now. Check the comments if you want to know how you've done. Thanks, don't let the door hit you on the way out. By the way, how are you getting home?
a) Lexus RX
b) My tractor
c) Walking. Some cunt burned out me Civic.
b) My tractor
c) Walking. Some cunt burned out me Civic.
8 comments:
Well now. Let’s see.
Mostly As – You’re Middle Class Michael! The Celtic Tiger has blessed your tastebuds, bud.
Mostly Bs – You’re Second Generation Shawn! Feckin’ yanks, you always try too hard.
Mostly Cs – You’re Ciaran the Cunt! If you could get your hands on that tiger, you’d ride it, you would.
That Bertie question has to be a trick. Unless the answer is all three.
Can't remember if I told you this one before Sweary - I probably did, because I have a tendency to repeat myself and go on and on and on with the most inane drivel this side of The Late Late Show, but sure you'll have that in small towns with fast cars and dear insurance.
My first day on the job in America, I was getting trained by Todd, or Josh, or Chip, or Hank, whatever the fuck, and he says to me "So, you're Irish, haw? Do you know John? He was here last year."
Ah, good oul John, that fecker, course I know him, I says, sure isn't he King of our village.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers are......a band with two songs. Californication and the other one.
I wouldn't be seen dead in any tractor except a Lamborghini and I always thought it was a mistake for Brendan Grace to leave AC/DC.
We could do with a similar test in London to identify the "Plastic Paddys" who poor out every March in a green rugby shirt to drink themselves stupid on foul tasting ale on account of good old St. Pats.
Q1. What makes you go misty eyed for the 'ould country?
a) The sound of Danny Boy being sung by several pissed stockbrokers in a city pub after 5 pints of german lager
b) Potatos
c) The smell of boiled ham and cabbage
d) Late night drinking, an Abra-Kebab and a night bus to West- Hampstead smelling of piss.
Holy God conor you blasphemous bejayzer. Two songs my hole. I can track my youth from the age of 12 on Chili Peppers songs.
G'wan, Kav! I knew you were the real Irish deal!
Chilli Peppers me bollix.
What about Margo and the Country Folk? The only band I ever fell asleep at.
Ah, sure, if ever you're up our way, why not call in for a wee drop of tea, right enough? An' all that there? Aye.
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