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Free Speech Absolutists Explain Why People They Disagree With Should Be Fired

Nation Draws Line On Body Positivity At Man With Oddly Small Nipples

WASHINGTON—Admitting that some types of physiques were simply too disgusting to accept, Americans across the country announced Thursday that they drew the line on body positivity at men with oddly small nipples. “While we support people of all…

Football

Man Flips Between Quarterback Being Best Ever, Worst Ever 386 Times In Single Play

CHESWICK, PA—His mind racing as he watched his hometown Pittsburgh Steelers play on television, local man Troy Belvedere is said to have flipped this week between Steelers quarterback Kenny Pickett being the best-ever and worst-ever quarterback 386…

Local

Trivia Night Ruined Again By Bald Man With Bulging Forehead Veins Playing Alone

CLEVELAND—Bemoaning the derailment of what was supposed to be an enjoyable evening out with friends, Brownstone Tavern patrons confirmed Thursday that trivia night had been ruined yet again by the bald man with bulging forehead veins playing all…

Breaking News

Tyson Files For Bankruptcy After Dang Coyote Gets Into Coop Again

Opinion

Gen Z Explains Why They Want Less Sex In TV And Movies

Breaking News

Amazon Fires Employee Who Tested Positive For Having Food In Their System

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Woman Who Had Abortion Shares How She Regrets Not Stopping For M&M McFlurry Afterwards

Study Finds Drinking Children’s Blood No More Effective Than Regular Blood At Achieving Eternal Life

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American Voices

‘The Onion’ Stands With Israel Because It Seems Like You Get In Less Trouble For That

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Basketball

Motivated Kawhi Leonard Circles Date Of National TV Matchup On Calendar To Sit Out

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Local

Happy Person Must Either Be Stupid Or Evil

MANDAN, ND—Genuinely at a loss as to how else they could account for the smiling, seemingly contented individual, witnesses reported Tuesday that local happy man Leonard Olson, 36, must either be stupid or evil. “I’m not sure what that grinning…

Local

Courtroom Artist Hopes Next Defendant A Bowl Of Fruit

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Politics

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Politics

Oil And Gas Lobbyists Happy To Fill In Rest Of Nation On Who Mike Johnson Is

WASHINGTON—Claiming the new House speaker to be one of their nearest and dearest colleagues, oil and gas lobbyists told reporters Thursday they would be happy to fill in the rest of the nation on who Louisiana Rep. Mike Johnson is. “Mike is just an…