Stuff White People Like

With over 500 suggestions for Non-Profit’s in need of help, it was simply impossible to select one.  Instead, SWPL has chosen eleven possible non-profits to receive all proceeds from the Stuff White People Like T-Shirt from FatAmerican.tv.

The  hope is that more people will be willing to check out all eleven and hopefully make much needed donations.

Remember if you donate before Dec. 31, 2008, you can claim it on your taxes as a charitable donation.

The Eleven Finalists are:

1. Kiva.org – Kiva’s mission is to connect people through lending for the sake of alleviating poverty.  Kiva is the world’s first person-to-person micro-lending website, empowering individuals to lend directly to unique entrepreneurs in the developing world.

2. Harm Reduction of Grand Rapids, Michigan (Needle Exchange) – “We work really hard to get clean syringes into the hands of injection drug users (IDUs) as well as providing people with safe sex supplies at no cost.  We do this to help stop the spread of HIV/AIDS as well as Hep C. Both diseases are on the rise and government efforts to stop them are not sufficient.  It has been proven by many studies that syringe exchange does help stop the spread of both diseases and it does not encourage drug use.

However, programs like these are very controversial, especially in places like Grand Rapids that are very religious and conservative. Needle exchange is not legal in the state of Michigan, we only have a special waiver for Grand Rapids. Because of this we are the only exchange on the entire West side of Michigan, I believe we are also the most northern exchange in Michigan.”

-Kelly Knutson, Volunteer

3. 826 National – 826 National is a nonprofit tutoring, writing, and publishing organization with locations in seven cities across the country. Our goal is to assist students ages six to eighteen with their writing skills, and to help teachers get their classes excited about writing. Our work is based on the understanding that great leaps in learning can happen with one-on-one attention, and that strong writing skills are fundamental to future success.

4. Heifer.org – Heifer International is dedicated dedicated to relieving global hunger and poverty. It provides gifts of livestock and plants, as well as education in sustainable agriculture, to financially-disadvantaged families around the world.

5. Invisible Children – Invisible Children’s goal is to create awareness regarding the plight of the people of northern Uganda, caught in the midst of a civil war between the government and Joseph Kony’s Lord’s Resistance Army, a rebel group that makes extensive use of kidnapping children and making child soldiers.

In war-affected regions Invisible Children focuses on long-term development, working directly with individuals and institutions that are eager to realize their full potential. Through education and innovative economic opportunities, they partner with affected communities and strive to improve the quality of life for individuals living in conflict and post-conflict regions.

6. Children of the Night – Children of the Night is a private, non-profit, tax-exempt organization founded in 1979. We are dedicated to assisting children between the ages of 11 and 17 who are forced to prostitute on the streets for food to eat and a place to sleep. Since 1979 we have rescued girls and boys from prostitution and the domination of vicious pimps. And we provide all programs with the support of private donations.

7. International Justice Mission – International Justice Mission is a human rights agency that secures justice for victims of slavery, sexual exploitation and other forms of violent oppression. IJM lawyers, investigators and aftercare professionals work with local officials to ensure immediate victim rescue and aftercare, to prosecute perpetrators and to promote functioning public justice systems.

8. Southern Poverty Law Center – SPLC is internationally known for its tolerance education programs, its legal victories against white supremacists and its tracking of hate groups. Located in Montgomery, Alabama – the birthplace of the Civil Rights Movement – the Southern Poverty Law Center was founded by Morris Dees and Joe Levin, two local lawyers who shared a commitment to racial equality. Its first president was civil rights activist Julian Bond.

Note: if you make a donation before Dec. 31, it will be matched by a group of private donors.

9. Greenville, SC Free Clinic –  We offer services in the following areas: dental clinic, dental hygiene, ophthalmology clinic (general, plus a large variety of specialty clinics), medical clinic, health education classes, HIV testing, and a full-service pharmacy.  All services rendered at the clinics are free to all patients who qualify based on our eligibility requirements.  Total patient visits for 2008 will likely surpass 10,000. (general, plus glaucoma and retina clinics), medical

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Over the course of a calendar year, white people have ample opportunities for themed parties and drinking: Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, and Cinco De Mayo are the most popular officially sanctioned holidays.  But that does not mean that white people shy away from creating their own impromptu themes for parties and evenings- mustache party! ’90s prom! Designing Women!

During the month of December, white people face an especially difficult challenge.  This is the time of year when parties and drinking are most appropriate, but the most obvious theme of Christmas must be avoided.  This is because Christmas forces Christianity upon others, and though their ancestors had no problem with this activity, modern white people are quite disgusted by the idea.  Hanukkah parties are fun, but a bit too exclusive, and a Kwanzaa Party requires an enormous amount of physical, mental, and ironic labor that can only be done by the most elite of white people.

White people needed to find a party that was completely without religious affiliations, but still connected enough to the idea of Christmas that they could serve eggnog and hot toddies.  The answer: ugly sweater parties.

These parties feature festive drinks, Christmas music by Sufjan Stevens, and most importantly, intentionally hideous sweaters.  These ugly sweaters provide white people with an invisible shield that protects them from any criticism that might emerge if any Christianity accidentally slips into the evening.

“Hey man, I love that Burl Ives song, but um, you let Silent Night slip into the mix.  That’s kind of awkward because, you know, the Crusades?”
White person points to sweater and makes a funny face.
Order is restored.

If you find yourself invited to one of these parties, you must begin your preparations immediately.  Craftier white people have been searching used clothing stores since last Christmas, and so you should not expect to find anything of significant ironic value.  Instead, your best hope is to see if any of your family members have an old sweater lying around.

“Hey man, nice sweater.  It’s so ugly.”
“Yeah, when my family first got to this country we had to shop at Goodwill, this is the first one my father bought to get him through his first winter here.  Good thing they didn’t have these parties back then, right? He would have died.”
“Geez, man, I’m sorry, you can cut in line for egg nog.”

Photo by paperladyinvites

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For the most part, this list has offered ways to befriend white people one at a time.  However, if you want to befriend a large number of white people at the same time, the easiest way to do it is to go to jail for political reasons.

White people love political prisoners because they are individuals who have been locked up because their beliefs or their presence stands in defiance of an unjust system. In fact, most white people would love to be locked up for their beliefs provided that they could go to a jail with private toilets, plenty of books and no rape.

Instead, white people are forced to turn those dreams of oppression into something more productive.  Specifically the belief that one day their law degree, graphic design skill, or ability to attend a concert can be used to free a political prisoner.

If you happen to be this individual, then you have no further work to do.  White people already like you and will provide for you financially in the form of book deals, commencement addresses, and documentaries.  But do not assume that these are the only people who can benefit from their time in jail.

Political prisoners make excellent choices whenever a white person asks you to name a personal hero.  If they drop an answer like “Kurt Cobain” or “Toni Morrison” you can easily trump them by offering up a name like Mumia Abu Jamal or Nelson Mandela which will show white people that you are smart, well informed, and political.  Or that you own at least one Rage Against the Machine CD.

But what if you pick the wrong political prisoner?  Impossible.  This is because political prisoners do not exist until a famous white person has drawn attention to them. Until that point, any person who has been locked up for their beliefs is just a regular prisoner and subsequently not worthy of graffiti stencils.

Conversely, if you ever find yourself needing to end a friendship with a white person you can simply say something like “well, he’s a criminal he belongs in jail. I don’t care what the Beastie Boys have to say about it.”

End of friendship.

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On Newsstands Now.

Read the first installment at PlentyMag.com.

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