Some background:
We’ve been friends since Covid and moved across the country together to the city. We messed around and became more than friends pretty quickly. We broke up once last year and then slowly became intimate again and eventually starting being in a relationship again. We just moved in together about a half hour out of the city in a quiet, more suburban scene.
Last night:
We drove into town to see a concert and I could tell she was angry with me the whole drive because she wouldn’t engage with my conversation or would give very short answers. I thought maybe she was just hungry so we stopped for a burger before the show. She was still pissed. In line for the concert she wouldn’t talk to me and once we got inside she said, “she didn’t want to be here.” We found a table and started talking. She says that I’ve been distant the last couple of days, which is true, and that she felt like the only time I’d be present was when she was talking about sex or ignoring me. I feel terrible and decide to tell her the truth. I tell her, “I don’t feel a spark, and I don’t know if I ever have” she runs away crying, I stay put, pulling my shirt over my face and sob. After a minute or two I get sick of crying in public and try to find some privacy in the bathroom. I get a text from my girlfriend saying that she’s leaving. I tell her I’m so sorry and to plz wait. I buy some merch to make apologizing easier. And run to where she parked. I don’t remember much of what was said in the car, but after a while I told her I needed to clear my head and I walked around for about a half hour. I cried some more, tried to talk myself through wtf is going ok and eventually came back to the car when I saw people leaving the venue. We drove home in silence, I wanted to scream at least 5 times on the way back. We got back to our one bedroom apartment and eventually started talking again. She asked me questions, I replied with the truth.
“Do you think we should be together”
-long pause-
“No”
“Why”
“I’m not sure this is what I want in my life right now”
“What the fuck are you doing? We just signed a 13-month lease together”
-silence on my end-
“I just feel so blindsided”
A couple hours later we ended up having sex and I’m not sure if it was a desperation thing or if it was because we haven’t communicated that openly and honestly in a while or some fucked up cocktail of the two. But I feel bad about it. Mostly because I feel like I took advantage of her.
Some other info:
I don’t think I’m happy in our relationship, she deserves to have someone who sees her the way she sees me. She deserves someone who thinks she hung the moon. And I fear that person is not me. And I’m sick of pretending like I am. And I’m sick of leading her on. And I’m sick of hurting my best friend. And I don’t know what the fuck to do. I thought I could pretend for another year, I was beginning to think that maybe things were finally kind of stable. But then I screwed that up.
I’m going to seek professional help for this soon. But in the mean time I figured I’d vent to strangers on the Internet, fuck.
TLDR: I told my girlfriend that I didnt feel a spark with her and don’t know if I ever have
