Originally posted in r/TrueOffMyChest

1 Update - Medium

Original Post - September 17, 2023

Update - September 22, 2023 (5 days later)

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Original Post - September 17, 2023

I’m 23. My ex-girlfriend is 20. We met in college. I’ve since graduated but she has 2 years left.

She’s 21 weeks pregnant and wants to put the baby up for adoption. She was around 14 weeks pregnant when she told me she was pregnant. We had already broken up 2 months before that and I honestly had no idea she was pregnant.

She said she needed space to make her own decision and that’s why she didn’t tell me.

From the moment she told me she was pregnant I told her I would support whatever decision she made. I respect that it’s her decision. I believe in a woman’s right to choose and all that.

I feel guilty that I got her pregnant. I’m internally panicking at the idea of a baby and the idea of being a father is wild and unreal to me right now. But when she told me she was planning to put the baby up for adoption it felt like a gut punch. She’s already connected with an adoption agency and looking at possible adoptive families.

In no way do I think she should be forced to be a parent. I would never want to contribute to that. I completely understand her reasoning. It’s just making me feel sick. She seems as content as she can be with the decision. She knows this is the “right” decision for her.

I don’t know if I can consent to it. I’ve started researching contested adoptions. I think it’s sort of crazy and I’d have to be willing and prepared to completely support and parent the baby on my own and be able to prove it. I feel guilty thinking about coming in and ruining all of her plans. Maybe it wouldn’t be fair to anyone for me to do that, but I’m becoming more uncomfortable with the idea of adoption every day. I’ve not told her how I feel because I know it took her a while to come to her decision and even though she feels it’s the right one it’s also a highly emotional thing for her.

I spend a lot of time trying to rationalize why adoption is the best thing for everyone.

Relevant Comments:

Why don’t you ask her for sole custody, ask if she would be willing the waver all parental rights and you won’t ask for child support? That way you can both go your separate ways.

OOP'S reply:

Once I make any sort of suggestion like that out loud I have to be 100% committed.

It’s my understanding that the court system is extremely reluctant to terminate a parent’s right (and financial obligations), even if both parents agree to that arrangement. It’s not as simple as just signing away her rights.

Another user replies:

There’s a difference between the court terminating rights and her willingly signing them away.

ETA: look up a spot that provides pro bono advice for what you would need to do. Will help with deciding and then will show you’ve done the work/aren’t taking this lightly.

OOP'S reply:

I’m considering meeting with a lawyer.

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I had a baby at 21. Single parent. My kid is now 19.

When you become a parent, this version of you now that you have becomes the past.

A new version of you will exist.

There's a bit of ego death involved when leaving behind an old life and stepping into something new.

Except this new life means that you stop being responsible for feeding, clothing, and maintaining just one human (yourself) but now a second person. No one but you is responsible when it comes down to the line. You are literally standing there alone holding a newborn when everything and everyone else fades away, it's all on you.

I think, just from what you've posted and your replies, you're in just a good a position as most when they become single parents. You work, you have a place to live, you're thoughtful and are actually thinking through the core issues maturely.

It would be great if you could try single parenting and then decide on your best course of action.

Unfortunately, you can't just try it and see. Once the decision is made, that's it. You are now no longer that person you are now, and you're becoming the person that you will be.

You can continue on the track you are now, the goals you have now, the life path you've decided, all the actual decisions you want to make for your own life, albeit with a life long emotional burden of wishing things were different and wondering about your child.

Or, you can choose to be a single parent. All the decisions you make will no longer be about you. They will ALL be about being a single parent, and what's best for the baby.

Being a parent should be about selflessness.

Being a human being just living life is about self focusedness. I won't call it selfish or self centred. Because you're allowed to focus on yourself when it's only yourself to focus on!!

When you have a child and you're a single parent, all decisions and all consequences are on your shoulders. For them and for you.

My daughter has enriched my life in ways I could never have imagined. I went to university, I became a teacher, and I have a good profession now as a lecturer.

But! I know that my life would have taken a different trajectory had I not become a single parent at 21. I had dreams of travelling like a gypsy, living in different countries, becoming an artist, struggling and suffering for my art, before settling down and marriage, and have as many children as I could. I always wanted a big family.

You're choosing between 2 different lives. One is reasonably predictable and always you focused, with your decisions geared around your desires.

The other is stepping into a life you have no idea what will happen, and you're responsible for nourishing, supporting, loving, educating, and living with for the rest of your life. There are no do-overs, you are the one on the line when it comes down to it, and you will feel a spectrum of emotions you never thought possible.

Of course I don't regret choosing my daughter. I do regret not being able to see the other version of myself. It may have been a much worse life. Who knows? That's the point, we can't know.

No matter the age, you'll never be prepared for being a parent. Never!! But, you can be a lot more prepared by waiting until you're older and have lived your own life before having a child.

An adoptive family is one that has already lived their lives and are ready, so so ready, to welcome a baby.

It's the emotional burden you're struggling with, and for that you need therapy. Especially if you can get adoption specific therapy.

If you choose to take on being a single parent, you'll be okay :) you'll survive, the baby will be fine. You'll meet a partner that is fine being a step parent and you'll make it all work. Your family will help when they can I'm sure. You'll need a lot of support, for the rest of your life, but certainly in the next 12 years.

I hope your decision is about you as a person first. Then about the baby second. What's best for the baby will become apparent once you focus on what you really want from life first.

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Update - September 22, 2023 (5 days later)

Posting this as an update because my original post received so many comments that it’s hard to really follow everything there anymore.

I was really surprised by how many people responded and honestly, the advice was all over the place and admittedly some of it got me pretty worked up. I think it really helped hearing some unbiased thoughts of my situation though.

There’s no huge update really. I’ve decided that just sitting here passively and not saying anything won’t get me anywhere.

My ex and I are in regular communication. We don’t talk every day but we text every few days. She told me she can’t find any adoptive parents that feel right yet. She really wants me to start looking at the stuff the adoption agency has sent. She asked if I had looked and I told her I skimmed some stuff but it doesn’t really make me feel good. That was my opening to tell her I’m really not sure how I feel about adoption and I’m having second thoughts regarding my own desire to parent my child or not. She asked me what I was really trying to say and I tried to communicate that I’m not saying she should keep the baby and be a parent right now, I understand why this is the best decision for her, but I’m not sure if it’s the best decision for me. She said “What? You’re going to be a single dad? Hahahaha.” I told her maybe, it’s not that crazy. She said it is crazy and “Don’t do this to me.” She basically feels like if I do that, even if I don’t hold it against her, she’s still legally the mom and suddenly she’ll be this horrible deadbeat parent who isn’t involved with her child at all. By placing the baby with another family, she breaks the legal ties and she doesn’t have to feel like she’s quite as shitty of a person.

Even my own mom is unsure of how to feel about what I’m considering it, but she would support me. She understands my feelings about not wanting my child to be raised by other people, but worries I’m biting off more than I can chew. She still support me 100%. She thinks it’s crazy but she also thinks I can do it if it’s what I want.I admittedly cried like a baby about it to my mom and in true mom fashion she thinks I need to “follow my heart.”

Relevant Comments:

Picture what you want for your future 5 years from now, what does it look like?

OOP's reply:

I didn’t originally picture having a 5 year old kid 5 years from now, but I have started to sort of be able to picture it. I always thought I’d like to be married and have kids in my early 30s. I’ve never really liked the idea of waiting until I was 40+ to start a family. Definitely thought there be a little more time before that happened but it doesn’t feel like the end of the world to me.

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I would talk to your mom about how much support she is really going to give? I assume she works too and has obligations.

You plan to how your going to be a single parent and work. Look at child care costs, start asking around about daycares ect.. You don't just show up and they have a spot.

There's alot to do before you have a baby, does your job offer paternal leave ect.

OOP's reply:

Yeah I started looking at daycares around me, out of curiosity. The average cost for infants around here is $1200/month. I had no clue that people had to get on daycare waitlists months and months I’m advance, sometimes even longer.

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Her right to choose is hers. Your right to choose is yours. If she gave birth and changed her mind when you didnt want the child, she wouldnt think twice even with feeling guilty.

You decide for you, no one else. This is a child, not a toy.

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For some reason, reddit is full of teenparents this week. If a 16 year old in high-school can do it, why wouldn't you? I get what your ex is feeling though. With adoption, she can just close that chapter and feel released. If she sees you struggle with single parenting, and not lift a finger to help, she'll be a dead beat parent.

In the end, your mom is right though. You can't make a decision like this only rationally. Adoption sure is the easiest solution, practical challenge wise. And if you're ok with it, it's fine. But if you're not ok with it, the struggle you'd have with single parenting will be worth it, to have your baby.

There is no right or wrong choice. And no one can make the choice for you. I would however strongly advise to talk to a lawyer, to see what all options mean in the end. Is there a thing like open adoption for fathers, for instance. That might be a half of column a, half of column b. But that too, is something you would have to be comfortable with.

OOP's reply:

She won’t “see” me, as I live states away. So it’s not like she’s have to physically see me or the baby, but she’ll still know and she could still contact me, in theory. That could get really messy too, for both of us. It’s something to consider.

I am going to talk to a lawyer just to get some solid, professional guidance.

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OP, I’m gonna jump ahead some years and ask a question. If you raise this lil one on your own and Mom grows up and decides she wants to know the child, what would you do? She seems concerned you’ll hold her accountable some how if you single parent, she could relinquish her parental rights but what if she changes her mind? Sorry just curious because I think you are going to be an amazing Dad if you choose that route.

OOP'S reply:

I’ve been thinking about that exact scenario and truthfully, I’d probably be pissed if she suddenly decided she wanted to be involved years later. It wouldn’t likely not be anything I had any choice or control over and she could legally enforce her rights. Ultimately, I’d want to do what was best for my kid though and I’d try to look at it like that.

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To me this reads like your heart has made up its mind. Your head is trying to process all of the rational details that comes with.

I will say, it sounds like you have an amazing Mom, which tells me not just that you have a support system but a good example of the kind of parent you’d be.

I can see your ex’s concerns, but I wonder how much of that would be pacified if you told her you’ll just stay off social media. Her fears seem to be more perception.

I think it’s worth saying all those rational details, new skills, difficult choices you’re considering. If you decide to be a father and commit to this baby, they don’t need to worked out all at once. Every parent, even the ones in the most prepared circumstances take one challenge at a time and adapt as they go.

It is clear you love this child, so whatever you decide, will be the right choice.

OOP'S reply:

Thank you. And I think you’ve summed up exactly where I’m at now. I think my heart feels one way but rationally my brain is trying to catch up.

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I am not OOP. Please do not harass OOP.