Concluded - account is now suspended so no updates in sight

Original posted in r/tifu

1 update - Short

Original Post - 2020

Update - May 2, 2020

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Original Post - 2020

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years, and this summer I was planning on proposing to her. I wanted to make a special gift for her, one that showed the progression of our relationship. From our first texts on hinge together, to photos of us.

I wanted it to be a surprise for her, and I was looking through her google photos because it has all the pics of us together. While I was searching for pics of us, nudes from her ex came up, even videos :(

I don't know what to say, the guy is packing. And on top of that of the clips they have together she makes noises and stuff she has never made with me. Let alone the idea of even ever even sending me nudes of herself. She told me she would never do that. I don't know this whole thing just hit me like a ton of bricks.

I thought I knew my girlfriend loved her, then find this backed up and honestly it just took all my excitement and romance out of our relationship. And a bit of background about this guy, they never were boyfriend-girlfriend. from what she said they were just friends with benefits. And to me I don't know it just makes it more insulting :( Like I get the idea okay she did that with someone she was super serious about, but this guy from what she said just spends his time at the gym and going to bars and clubs.

I don't know what to say. I was 90% done with the gift. now I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her and break up with her. But the excitement of spending our life together is gone. I am just hurt :(. I haven't told her about this. I just been trying to deal with this myself the best I can.

What do I do from here? If I tell her what I saw it will completely ruin the scrapbook and engagement surprise. And I don't even know? Is it normal to have stuff like that of your ex? I don't but then again I never made clips an ex either. Also what do I do about the sex part? I feel more and more insecure about my equipment, our sex was nothing like what was there on the video. Just looking for guidance.

Tl;Dr- I was going to surprise my girlfriend of two years with a scrapbook of all of our memories together, I then found nudes and videos of her and her ex together. I am heartbroken and I don't know what to do anymore.

Relevant comments:

Lets be honest about what you're experiencing. You are feeling inadequate. You are feeling that you don't measure up, and aren't sure why she's with you when she could be with him.

Don't blame her for that, (not saying you did, just a reminder), your feelings are entirely your own. You could ask her, but no amount of reassurance from her will change what you're feeling.

First let me say I'm sorry that happened, that is a truly shit situation. Very little good will come from confronting her, but it may be impossible not to at least tell her you know. Because it will eat at you until you do. Insecurity is a remorseless emotion, and the longer you let it eat at you, the more angry and bitter you'll become.

Now a few things to point out:

• She may have no clue those videos/pictures are there. It's easy to forget that google tends to back things up automatically and most people don't go back and review their past stuff.

• She's not at fault for what you found, most people wouldn't tell their SO about something like that, and I doubt you would have wanted to know even if you asked.

• Most people play for the camera.. just because she made those sounds on video does not mean she would have made them off video.

• She may not have wanted to tell you about her past where she sent nude pictures, and she certainly may have more to lose now than she did back then.

• Your insecurity is unnecessary.. she could have been with him or someone else like him, but for whatever reason she's with you. Don't diminish that because you saw things that weren't meant for you.

Some advise: Take some time, figure out how you feel,.. really feel about what you found. Don't make major decisions for a little while. Let it sit. When you're ready, let her know that you were planning a surprise and looking through some of her past pictures and that you found some stuff you really wish you hadn't. You weren't trying to snoop, but part of the surprise required that you look at her google drive. Tell her what you're feeling insecure about. Don't make it her fault,.. just share your feelings. How she responds will tell you volumes compared to starting a fight with her. I may have read this wrong but I feel like you still love her.. the initial shock is enough to make you question everything.. but some space and time will tell the truth. Figure out what you're feeling, then deal with it.

If you were planning on something like this for a proposal.. don't throw it away because you found something ugly. We all have our skeletons.

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I’m in my mid thirties and I’ve been backing up all my phone pics and other photos to my hard drive since I was in my teens/twenties. I’m talking hundreds, no, thousands of pics and videos that dictate several relationships, friendships, vacations... everything.

Have I ever went through and edited it?

Once. And it was after I got married and felt it was time to dump useless memories of people I didn’t care about anymore. It took days. And I hated it. I hated going through some of the memories.

I don’t know anyone who regularly cleans out their files so I wouldn’t take it personally.

But I would openly communicate what you were doing, what you found and how you feel or you are going to ruin your relationship.

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Update - May 2, 2020

So guys, I honestly was mentally friend but I needed to talk to my girlfriend, I was hoping I would be in better shape to talk to her but after not being able to sleep well. Everything is going to be summarized but this conversation went from 6pm: to 4AM.

I told her that I wanted to talk to her, that I was making her a scrapbook of our events together, and I found the pictures of her and her ex and videos. She starts saying oh my god I am so sorry I meant to delete them. I told her basically they are burned into my brain now :(

I talk to her about it, I told her flat out that it hurt. And that there were two parts one, the fact that she enjoyed it more with him, and two that she did things in bed with him that she never did with me. She starts telling me that its different that they were just fwb that she just went for hotness not for other traits, that I am way smarter than him. I ask her if that's the case then why was she begging him to be exclusive with her.

She said that it was just her brain being dumb, that so many girls was hooking up with this guy that she felt it was a competition. I asked her too about the other stuff in bed, she told me that sex is 'different with him.' and that its different too with a friends with benefits and a boyfriend. I asked her that if they did become exclusive and start dating, would she stop doing those things, and she says its impossible to say....

We talked more, and more and it seemed that her way of assuring me seemed to be in telling me everything that I provide to her, oh that I am smart and that our kids would be smart too, oh that I have a good job. That my family is super sweet.. Nothing about Oh, I just want you for you or any sexual aspect that you are so sexy..

After the talk I told her that I Was going to stay over my brother’s apartment. She begged me to stay we talked more and more and I told her too that I was planning on proposing because she started pressing why I was looking through her drive. And I showed her what I made so far.

At my brother’s place I talked to him and he told me.

1). That I will love again, that I can have the same feelings if not more

2). That not all women are like this, not all of them make sex tapes with fwb.

3). He told me that the biggest reflag was the fact that she gives more to sex with casual partners than she does with the guy than she is to her future husband. And don’t bother asking, because you want her to want to do it, not beg for it.

4). Only stay if I feel things with her are truly special, that there are some circumstances in her and this relationship I won’t be able to find in another woman.

5). No matter what happens this would be on the back of my mind and haunt me if I choose to stay.

I thought about our relationship, and it was tough. Had I been younger breaking up would have been easier, but now it was much tougher to let go. I thought about my own mental state, and realized that I would much rather start fresh with someone. I talked to my girlfriend, and I told her we were done. This lead to a lot of tears, crying and more tears back and forth. She started spam calling me but I needed to do it. I got a phone call from her mom telling me that we have so much history to please reconsider it. I had mutual friends reach out to me. Its been crazy :/

I don’t know if in 10 years I will look back and say this was a huge mistake. And I don’t know if my next girlfriend might even have even worse things on her google cloud account. I don’t know but I know that this relationship was hurting my mental state too much

Tl;Dr- I confronted my girlfriend about the videos and photos I saw of her and her Ex. I tried to get over it but life was just going horrible. I spoke to my brother, and he advised me to breakup, his logic made a lot of sense, and now I am single

Relevant comments:

Wait. So, let me get this straight.

You were going to propose to your girlfriend.

In all likelihood, she would have said yes.

You saw videos of her and an ex having sex.

You decided you weren’t good enough for her.

You broke up.

She has been trying to get you to change your mind. Trying hard.

Sounds like your girlfriend would have chosen you for the long haul. That WAS her giving you 100%. And you threw that away because she didn’t make the right sex noises?

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Yikes. That was some shaky advice my dude.

Next time you think you love someone enough to marry them and spend your life with them, have a sit down and think about the fact that she has almost assuredly had better sex before and might have done things with them she won't with you. Because that's not an uncommon thing. Then if you still want to marry her...go ahead and start planning a proposal. To call it off over something like this...I'm not sure you were ready for an engagement in the first place.

OOP's reply (nevative votes):

I don't think its unreasonable, if I am going to marry someone I will give them my 100%. They aren't 'entitled' to 100% of my effort sure, but I wouldn't want to marry someone that doesn't bring the same energy and enthusiasm as I do.

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Did you not read the top / gilded comment on your first post? You did the exact opposite... Once things calm down your (ex) girlfriend will realize you were filled with insecurities and she’s getting the better end of this deal. I don’t mean to be rude, but as someone who once had similar issues, you’ve got some severe insecurities you need to work through. Wish you luck, OP.

Another user replies:

If you ask "why do you love me?" and her response is "my kids will be smart and your take-home pay lets me complain about my tax bracket," well fuck man, there's no way that even David Attenborough could turn that into decent human mating ritual footage. Find you a girl that loves your peacock for its plumage, not your nesting grounds.

Any schlub can get a job and pay the bills. Being admired because you're a stable, functioning adult is not something most of us care about. On the other hand, having a woman who finds us sexy and who is freaky in bed is something to cherish. Being complimented for my intelligence or ability to provide is like being called handsome by my mom. It doesn't mean a damn thing. I derive no satisfaction from it. Finding a woman who loves being with you and wants to jump your bones just as much as you want to jump hers is the real goal.

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I am not OOP. Please do not harass OOP.