❗️TW starts after break
Hello there to all of my fellow Shawols who are on this beautiful little space of the internet that we have here on this reddit! 💎 First off, I just want to express my gratitude and thankfulness for each and every one of you. This reddit has been such a safe-haven for me this past year, and I've really enjoyed my time chatting with all of you.
That being said, in the beginning of this week I decided that I wanted to post something like this on this particular weekend. I actually used to be quite active in this reddit w/a different account a few years ago when it was much smaller, and posted something similar to this in Dec of 2018.
Nevertheless, I am creating this post to vent my own feelings about Dec 17/18, while also opening up the floor to any of you guys who also want to rant about your thoughts, or just read and listen. I know that many of us are not in situations where our friends/family are Shawols/Kpop fans, so I understand how hard this time can be when you have no one to turn to and talk about these kinds of things. I also have to deal with this kind of issue each December, since none of my family or friends understand where I'm coming from or even care about who SHINee is.
I would also just like to say that this discussion is open to ALL Shawols. There will be NO discriminating here, so whether you just became a Shawol last week, last year, 6 years ago, or 14 years ago, everyone is open to share their thoughts. I believe that Babywol's have just as much of a privilege to engage in such topics as older Shawols do because we've all gone through the same thing at some point. 🤍
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I oftentimes find this time of the year really difficult because I feel like there's no one in my life (in person, anyway), who understands me completely. Of course, my best friends know that December is a difficult month for me, but I don't think they realize to what kind of extent that is. And my family... well, they don't even understand why I still like Kpop - even though I've been a Shawol for more than 7 years now, so you think they'd get used to it. So obviously, they haven't even grasped the fact that this month is really hard for me.
I also feel like I'll be judged by my family, because I have in the past. After it first happened (mind you, I was a young 13 year old girl, who had never experienced such grief before), I remember my mother telling me to basically 'get over my feelings because he was just a singer, so it's not like he even knew me personally.' And you know what?? That just made me shut down. It's a shame, because all these years later, even as adult, I never feel comfortable to talk about these things around her because I just know she'll judge me. Even if she acts in the moment like she isn't, she'll never understand. The same thing goes with the rest of my family/friends. And that's okay, I've accepted that. I can't live in bitterness over that for the rest of my life.
In this world, there will be people who don't understand these kinds of things, and that's okay. They'll never understand who he was; how he was MORE than just a faraway singer on a huge stage. How he was a son, and a brother, a nephew, and a grandson. How he was a best friend, and a colleague. They'll never grasp the huge impact that he had on so many people back in the day, and how he still has an effect on millions of people even now. Because to so many - including myself - he was an inspiration. An icon in artistry. He was so kind, and patient, and wise, and accepting, and loving. There was so much love inside of his beautiful soul. And some people will never see that, and I believe that it's their loss... to not experience and understand such an exquisite human being who walked and breathed on this earth for so many years and created beautiful pieces of art like music, radio shows, books, poems, mvs, and more.
And I want to tell you all right here, right now, that any feelings you might have on these last days of December are okay and valid. Don't allow anyone else to tell you otherwise. And whether you feel at peace, sad, happy, or any other emotion, that's all okay. Everyone travels through grief in different ways and everyone copes differently. I sure know that how I coped 5 years ago is very different from how I cope nowadays. Nevertheless, it's okay if you still cry about it - no matter if you're a Babywol or an old Shawol. And it's also okay if you don't cry about it. This isn't a game, and grief is oftentimes a murky thing. It changes like the wind for every person, so no two people are going to have the same experience with it and that's valid.
I already went through the 7 stages of grief in 2018-2019. Those were two of the hardest years of my life, to work through all of the anger and guilt and denial. But I preserved and came out in the end with accepting it all. Because at the end of the day, that's what Jonghyun would've wanted for all of us to do. He would hate to see so many suffer in pain each and every day because of him. He literally said so in Before Our Spring. And at the end of the day, it was his choice. People can claim that it was the industry or something else that pushed him to do it, but let's face it, he was a grown adult man. He made the choice all by himself. And we all must accept that choice, no matter how hard it is.
So it's not like I'm in denial about the whole thing, because I'm not. I got over that a long time ago and I've accepted it. I've accepted his decision and his final wishes and I've tried to honor them.
But I think the hardest thing for me now is the 'what ifs.' The 'what could've beens.' Like, I'll be perfectly fine for a few weeks/a handful of months. I'll be living my life but still thinking about him in a loving/positive way. And then one day, I'll be doing something, and I'll suddenly think 'oh, I wonder when he'll be going to the military,' or 'I wonder when he'll announce that he has a partner.' But then before my brain can go any further, I have to stop myself right there. I have to remind myself that none of that is ever going to happen. It can't ever happen.
And that's the thing that hurts me the most. The questions like, what kind of soilder would he have been? What kind of friend? What kind of husband? What kind of father? What kind of artist? I think he would've been a noble and sacrificial soldier. I think he would've continued to be a supportive and loving friend. I think he would've been a protective and kind husband. I think he would've been a warm and understanding father. I think he would've continued to be an inspirational and talented artist. It's going to be very weird when Taemin finally completes his military service, because sometimes, I feel like I'm still waiting for Jonghyun to go. Like, any day it's going to be announced. But then I have to remind myself that he's never going. That Taemin is the last one to complete it.
Maybe all of this isn't acceptance and I'm just living in denial? But it's not like these thoughts come to me everyday. I'll be fine for a while, and then my brain will enter this weird limbo phase where it's like it never even happened, and I'll daydream. Yeah, maybe daydream is the right word for it. I daydream about what could've been, I think about what he would have been like as he grew older. I like to imagine how he would've become even more beautiful as the years pass by.
Through it all though, I am so incredibly grateful to him and SHINee. I think I always will be. They helped pull me out of some of the darkest times in my life as a young middle schooler, and for that, I'll be eternally grateful. And even now as an adult, I still turn to them when I need to feel their support. So really, not much has changed from the little girl who needed them all those years ago, because I STILL need them, even today. And I never want to forget Jonghyun. So even if I continue to live with these daydreams and this pain for a long time, I'm okay with that. Because it's a testament to what was real; and how he isn't just a figment of my imagination but someone I leaned on and looked up to for so many years - someone I continue to turn to even now, someone I draw inspiration from.
I think the feeling I feel the most on this day is pride. Because I'm so proud of ALL of us for coming this far. If you had told me 5 years ago that this is where I'd be today, I wouldn't have believe you, because I never thought that I'd survive the heartbreak for this long. But alas, here I am. Here we ALL are, and I'm so incredibly proud of us. 5 years is half a decade. If we've made it this far, we can make it another year. I'm so proud of all of us Shawols and the rest of the SHINee members. I look at Jinki, and Kibum and Minho and Taemin and my heart literally beams with pride. Because I saw them at their lowest, and now look at where they are- still healing, but fighting every day to press on and live full lives, just like Jonghyun wished for them. For all of us. And if they can do it, so can we.
And most importantly, I am proud of Jonghyun. For how far he came, and how far his ethereal soul and exquisite artistry continues to reach and touch so many lives even nowadays. He did so well, he fought so well, he lived so well. He was truly a feat to behold, this Kim Jonghyun. And when I look at him, I'm so inspired. Because if he did it for so long and created such an amazing legacy for himself, so can I.
If you've read this much of my ramblings and reached the end, I truly applaud you my friend. Thanks for staying til the end, you're loved and beautiful and wanted, and I love you!! 🤍 Please continue to stay safe, healthy, and happy in these last days of 2022, you deserve it. I'm soo proud of you, and take it easy on yourself, yeah? And if no one has told you today, you're doing great and you are enough. Let's continue to love our 5 shining boys, SHINee forever and always!! 💎💎💎💎💎
