Part of the reason why I was scared to leave my abusive relationship is because of the fear of abuse allegations. She would sometimes use veiled insults in games through her characters like “you’re nothing”, “I know how to hurt you emotionally” (and part of hurting me emotionally would be saying untrue things about me because she knew that I cared about doing the right thing and not being a “bad person” because I shared my vulnerabilities and fears with her), how she has to “warn other people about me”, how I “don’t deserve the things I have” and that I’m secretly bad. I’d also catch her in a lot of lies which made me scared that she’d lie about me if I made her upset. And it was incredibly easy for her to lie too, I’d see her do it all the time to other ppl in her life. And it made it very difficult to trust what she was saying and made me fearful because I never knew if what she was saying was the actual truth or if i find out later it’s a lie. There were many instances of her presenting a fact or story, and then blatantly denying she said that the next day or completely changing the narrative a few months later, and that gave me whiplash.
I also saw how vindictive and angry she’d get when she’d fall out with someone and so that made me scared to make her upset. She’d also weaponize victimhood and portrayed herself as an “empath and ppl pleaser” or “sensitive introvert” who just carries the weight on her shoulders🥺so while it did scare me a little how she could turn on ppl so quickly, I believed her victimhood stories and not talk about how she’d treat other ppl when she’d tell me these stories. She’d also downplay the effect accusations could have on men’s life. She told me that when men get accused of bad things nothing bad happens to them (not true) but then on the other hand a few months later said “women are more than men protected in relationships” which told me she knew that men aren’t really believed when it comes to abuse (and it was out of the blue too you know, there wasn’t any context to her saying that). She also shared with me at one point that she believes people can retroactively revoke consent (like AFTER the fact like weeks or months later). When I challenged that, she said something to the effect of “well everyone has their version of the truth” and she kinda laughed about it you know. I hope I’m not making it sound worse than it is, but these things happened and I journaled about them so I can piece it together
The fear of a false allegation also made me super acquiescent. So when there were things that I was uncomfortable with or when the abuse started to escalate, I was scared to really stand up for myself or leave the relationship because I was afraid she’d get upset and falsely accuse me. I also didn’t want to be like the toxic men portrayed in the media so I was over-accommodating, overly patient, overly understanding and excusing bad behaviour because in my mind, abuse only happened to women and so I didn’t want to be that so I didn’t have protecting myself and my well-being at the forefront of my mind. But when I started advocating for myself and asking more questions and questioning the things that didn’t make sense, she didn’t like that and got very angry, dismissive and defensive. Me asserting myself or setting boundaries was punished and I was portrayed as crazy for feeling uncomfortable with how she treated me. There were many times she would deny or minimize things I saw and experienced with my own eyes, and when I’d bring things to her attention she’d shut them down. This made me afraid that maybe I was wrong and that my “anxiety” really was the problem. To be fair, at first she did apologize a few times but it was mostly non-apologies or rationalizing or how her trauma made her that way or promises to change but the hurtful behaviours didn’t stop
When the relationship ended and I stood up for myself, those very same concerns about false allegations I was sooo scared of ended up happening anyways despite being a doormat and having literally no standards. She posted my traumas online and threw everything I confided in her about in my face…online, she accused ME of being abusive for “questioning” HER abusive behaviour, she used my reactions to her abuse (me developing extreme anxiety and depression) as a sign of my instability and how it ruined the relationship, and said that my friends and family (who tried to help and get me out) ruined everything like it was some kind a conspiracy. I was also portrayed as being controlling and having impossible standards (for my birthday we got food from a gas station and she made me pay for half of it), and she took no accountability for her role in the relationship’s dysfunction (I too played a role because I stayed) but I ended up apologizing for everything and taking responsibility for things that weren’t my fault, and started walking back my concerns because I was afraid that it would escalate if it didn’t. And when I apologized for everything and said I was wrong for my feelings she said “thank you so much it means a lot”
(Continued in comment section because I’m out of space….)
My buddy and I hit it off 7 years ago. Both teachers and had so much in common. We both at one point kind of joked we were each other’s male soulmate. He began confiding in me that he and his wife weren’t getting along. For years I got calls like clockwork. I became his “man wife” as he joked. His emotional support. He has changed in recent years. He seems very selfish, one sided in the friendship, accepts help but rarely returns the favor. He has no empathy. I really don’t think he likes to see others happy. I just became a grandpa and didn’t get much thrill from him. I confronted him about not feeling that cared for in our friendship and he immediately turned things around as he was the victim. He has severe anxiety and may be an alcoholic. We used to have fun together but even when I told him via text today I cared a lot about him I didn’t get that in return. He backtracked some after saying we should part ways to if I don’t feel like I’m getting what I need in the friendship, then we should go out separate ways. He has an extremely fragile ego for sure and will not take any responsibility for wrong doing. He has relationship issues with everyone, including his own family and in-laws. With your experiences does he seem like he likely has NPD? Or is he just a total jerk? The first half is our friendship I had never felt such a connection with another guy. He just deflects everything I try to bring up as I’m “griping.” Thoughts? Thank you so much…