for once,
I want to forget everything about myself
never to come back, walk out the door
fall on my back, losing consciousness
leave my body lifeless on the cold floor
throw away everything I created
untie all my attachments and ties
apologize for everything I destroyed
then leave with a final goodbye
for once… just this once
I wanna dive down into the dark depths
sink to the deepest trench in my heart
open every locked doors, forbidden gates
sink deep into the forever growing void
make peace with every demon that awaits
finally,
go back to the house of lost self
where cold winds of memories howl
walk those forgotten hallways anew
fall asleep next to my dormant soul
for this once…
Backstory:
I wrote this poem when I first realized that the flower I searched for in everyone’s garden was growing in my garden all along.
Long story short, somewhere between my early and late teens, I became scared of my inner world {which was in chaos}, so I started to look for shelter in others l. unfortunately, I had no one that I could truly call a friend, and well, my parents always seem busy with their work. So I became obsessed with finding love. And maybe I was brainwashed by the concept of romanticization of everything. somehow I had lost myself in translation due to my inability to accept myself for who I was {because of the shame & hate I had for myself}.
When I got my heart broken for the one last time {basically got cheated on at 18 yr old}, I was done with life because the world inside felt impossible to fix {guilt, shame, insecurities, PTSD, traumas, suppression, history of being bullied and so on} and I didn’t have self-love for myself to take that step. But when I failed to kill myself, I then made a vow to myself to become someone with whom I can enjoy life {basically become my ideal self} and started from square one, embarked on a journey of self-discovery, and never turned back, never will.
All I wanna say is,
Don’t wait for a special occasion to smile, rather make your smile an occasion of its own. Because the moment you’re living right now, you’ll only get one chance to live it. No one’s gonna be 19 or 20 yr old forever, and tomorrow’s never promised. So, you decide whether you want to live this moment hating yourself or learning to love yourself.
Have a pleasant day/night.
“Love is a disease, you can only experience and spread it if you have it in yourself in the first place. So don’t wait to be Patient-0.” — Me😁
Why Its always
Sunsets.
Autumn leaves.
Eclipses.
Falling stars.
Crescent moon.
Falling things, ceasing cycles
Always entice them.
People despise the whole.
Why the,
Tears,
Missing train.
Heartbreaks,
Betrayal,
Romeo Juliet,
Captivates the people.
All this mania to fall for tragedy.
An unhealthy obsession with catastrophe.
They love seeing people trying, failing
Old story, a generous world.
Greed, lust, evil took over.
Love, compassion, help is just a picture.
They are lured to destruction.
Pleased to see things end.
Amongst all this
It's just perspective.
Different eyes, different sights.
neither are wrong nor right.
What if... finish is not the end.
But the new initiation.
Sunset is not merely the end of day,
Also the start of new.
End is the new beginning.
Death is a new life
It's already been 2 long years since I last felt your touch A whisper of sensation that I miss so much Still vivid in my mind, your first tender blush A moment frozen in time, a feeling I cherish
But as time meanders on, a worry takes its stance That your existence might fade, Lost in life's expanse The hours, they slip like sand through my grasp And memories, they blur like a dream from the past