I'm pouring my heart out here because I feel like I'm about to burst. Back in 2021, I graduated from university. I was that tech-savvy guy, always ahead of the game when it came to computers and learning new things. I learned java in 2nd semester by myself while everyone was trying to learn C++. But lost my motivation for it and departed. It was like a passion that fueled me. I used to be good at programming. I then started Android development in the 5th semester and gained skills at it but quit it again. This was a tendency for me related to my mental health difficulties (I know this is not the official sub for this). Went into therapy which helped a lot.

Long story short, I was very pushed once I graduated. I did an internship in a huge company as an IT tech and was much ahead of anyone in it. I wanted to go to another city for better job possibilities, but family considerations got in my way, and I could not. At the same time my mental health took a toll on me, and everything spiraled downhill. Family issues held me back from pursuing better opportunities, and I found myself sinking into a deep depression. Two precious years of my life slipped away, lost in isolation, trying to escape my struggles. I sank into a spiral of depression, devised different coping techniques, hoping to escape from the disaster that I am. I did nothing for two years. I wasted two good years of my life. Cut off from everyone and everything, fleeing from my challenges.

A month ago, I self-reflected on myself being 27, that I could not live like this anymore. I hauled myself out from the hellhole of my thoughts and started working on myself to improve. I joined a small company to get my skills back, and it's okay if they don’t pay.

I started programming again to get a job in Flutter, in 5 months as it's a flourishing developer industry right now. The thing is, it's suddenly hard for me now. Either I have lost my programming talents, or everything has become harder. I am in a position where I think that programming might not be for me anymore and looking at alternative career options.

It might be depression has ruined my brain or something. or perhaps everything has just become more challenging. I desperately seek help to understand the simple concepts better, but it feels like my mind has dulled. I need aid to learn the principles effectively, attempting to make sense of everything— Doubts creep in, questioning if programming is still meant for me, and I find myself exploring other career options like DevOps or learn web development or something else. I cannot afford to waste any more of my time.

Seeing my peers succeed while I'm still struggling amplifies my sense of failure. I can't help but blame myself for wasting so much time. I lie to others about my life, hiding my feelings of inadequacy.

I have no one to turn to for guidance, I have no friends, so I am reaching out to you. Maybe programming might not be my calling. In my desperation, I've even resorted to taking Adderall to focus on programming, but the struggles persist. I need some practical advice that might put me fast track rather than “you need to work on your mental issues”. I know I am a fuck up but am desperate to support my family and IT is the only skill i know how to learn.

Edit: Thank you, everyone, for your kind suggestions. I never thought I would get this much help. Reading the comments, I realized my symptoms might match ADHD or Bipolar 2. I do come from a depressed family, though. I guess I have to make an appointment with a psychiatrist to figure it out; meanwhile, I will stick to programming no matter what and see where my road leads me. Whatever the condition, I think I have to accept it and try to move.