I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Dollar_Dolphin. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Mood Spoiler: things are moving in the right direction

Original Post: July 24, 2023

My husband has started working night shifts (8PM - 3AM) over two months ago and has since been using our en-suite bathroom for showers after work. This would have been okay but he plays loud music through the bluetooth speakers and claims he needs it to wind down.

I’ve asked him repeatedly to use the shower downstairs and have even set it up for him with the same products he has in our en-suite. I’ve been using the bathroom downstairs every morning so I don’t disturb him while getting ready for work but he refuses to do the same.

Since I’m a light sleeper and after being sleep deprived for so long I decided to sleep in the guest bedroom yesterday. He claims I’m being petty and should talk to him about this as opposed to sleeping in the guest room. The thing is I have tried talking to him about it but I usually don’t bring up the discussion as / when it’s happening and prefer to do it the next day after work so I’m not upset and can have a rational discussion.

He’s been going around telling our family and friends and they all think I’m being petty. I’m not sure if I’m doing something wrong / how else to go about dealing with the situation. I need to know if AITA.

Sorry for any typos / formatting 🙏🏼 my brain refuses to function when I haven’t had enough sleep!

Relevant Comments:

Wtf is he telling his friends and family that they're on his side?

"I haven’t gotten the whole story tbh, but they are all focusing on me not sleeping in our bedroom. Apparently this turns it into an argument / fight? I’ve gotten messages from a couple of mutual friends and family members but haven’t responded yet."

Is this new behavior?

"The funny thing is he use be really quite and considerate in the mornings when he started work earlier than me. Idk why he’s having difficulties replicating after work."

Does he usually run to his family/friends with things like this?

"There’s only been a couple of instances (2) that I can think of when he has discussed things with his family / friends. Suppose that’s what he uses as an outlet. I do this too with people I identify as my support system (to get advice / let my feelings out). That being said no one has ever confronted or made direct comments to him."

One more from OOP:

"No, fortunately he’s really considerate in general. This is the first this he’s acted like this. I initially thought he was acting out because he’s a morning person and is rarely up at that hour by choice. His family usually tends to side with him but I have a feeling our friends don’t know the whole story. I haven’t responded to their messages yet, I like some part of my life to be private (I do see the irony in saying this after posting on reddit for everyone to judge)."

OOP is voted NTA

Update (Same Post): July 25, 2023 (Next Day)

UPDATE: to the kind people of reddit, thank you so much for all you suggestions! I love my husband but sometimes being petty pays off. Sorry for the long post!

I started the morning at 5:30 with a quick run on the treadmill (our home gym is right next to our bedroom. Thank you thedartofwar for the idea!). This poor guy woke up and practically ran into the room thinking someone’s trying to break in. He looked TERRIFIED!

He was confused / concerned as opposed to angry when he was questioning what I’m doing and if everything is okay. I told him I’m too tired due to lack of sleep and didn’t want to drive to my spin class. I thought it’s a good idea to have a quick workout at home to wake me up and stimulate endorphins. Either he was stunned into silence or was too tired to put up a fight; it took him a while to ask how long I planned on working out for. I said 45 minutes and didn’t catch the response he mumbled as he was leaving.

I finished my workout at 6:15 and had a smoothie hoping he’d fall asleep (if he hasn’t already) before hopping into the shower and carrying out phase two.

With doors locked and the volume set to what I guess he usually listens to music on I put my playlist to work (I now realise that you can’t really hear the music with the speakers outside the shower unless the volume is relatively high).

30 seconds in to the first song plays (Awaken by Dethklok, thank you Jackisntasquirrel!) I hear knocking on the door. I figured I could use the music and shower as an excuse to claim I didn’t hear it later! This increased to banging calling out to me by the second song (So you die by bloodbath, thank you drfstich!) and by the third song (die mf die by Dope thank you Horror-Commission656) there was complete silence. I think he only stuck around for so long since heating up another room might have taken a while. Thank you for everyone for the music suggestion, I wish he stayed for the whole playlist 😅

By the time I’m out of the shower our bedroom is empty. I found him watching TV downstairs.

He asked me why I would do this when I know he’s just finished a long shift and hasn’t had any sleep. told him I thought it was acceptable since he does the same thing. Like most commenters pointed out, the whole situation shows lack of care and I was curious why he doesn’t care and what caused him to change so drastically because he usually isn’t like this.

After a lot of pushing he finally admits that he likes our conversations after work and figured if I was up, we would talk. ( I don’t understand how this is the thought process of a grown man). He claims he didn’t realise it was an issue for me because I haven’t been as angry about it (here I was thinking the situation required patience and understanding🤦🏾‍♀️). I also realised he’s still grieving his grandmother’s death (she passed away in April). They use to talk on a daily basis is and he hasn’t fully accepted the loss and processed it in a healthy manner. He’s open to the idea of getting therapy to process the grief. I don’t think this excuses his behaviour but it does explain a lot.

Getting back to the showering at 3am; we’ve agreed on the following;

he will use the shower downstairs after working night shifts.

If he wants to use our shared bathroom (it has a jacuzzi) he will text me before I go to bed and I’ll sleep in the guest bedroom

I realised I was pretty much doing this to myself after the first week. I have learnt that I don’t owe anyone comfort at the expense of my well-being and shouldn’t have let it go on for so long. Yes, he’s immature and childish but I’m hoping we can work on it together.

Thank you to everyone for their suggestions and concern! I understand all couples face challenges, these incidents in isolation doesn’t necessarily paint an accurate picture of their relationship. Like I mentioned in the comments he’s been very considerate and loving expect for a few isolated incidents (less than 5) during the 7 years I’ve known him. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect someone to be perfect 100% of the time (I feel the need to point out that no one should use this statement to stay in an abusive or unhappy relationship!).

If you’ve made it this far, I appreciate you! Apologies for the long post but I’m lowkey proud that the pettiness paid off. sorry for any typos, I’m still sleep deprived but looking forward to a good night’s sleep tonight.