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I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Dollar_Dolphin. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole
Mood Spoiler: things are moving in the right direction
Original Post: July 24, 2023
My husband has started working night shifts (8PM - 3AM) over two months ago and has since been using our en-suite bathroom for showers after work. This would have been okay but he plays loud music through the bluetooth speakers and claims he needs it to wind down.
Iโve asked him repeatedly to use the shower downstairs and have even set it up for him with the same products he has in our en-suite. Iโve been using the bathroom downstairs every morning so I donโt disturb him while getting ready for work but he refuses to do the same.
Since Iโm a light sleeper and after being sleep deprived for so long I decided to sleep in the guest bedroom yesterday. He claims Iโm being petty and should talk to him about this as opposed to sleeping in the guest room. The thing is I have tried talking to him about it but I usually donโt bring up the discussion as / when itโs happening and prefer to do it the next day after work so Iโm not upset and can have a rational discussion.
Heโs been going around telling our family and friends and they all think Iโm being petty. Iโm not sure if Iโm doing something wrong / how else to go about dealing with the situation. I need to know if AITA.
Sorry for any typos / formatting ๐๐ผ my brain refuses to function when I havenโt had enough sleep!
Relevant Comments:
Wtf is he telling his friends and family that they're on his side?
"I havenโt gotten the whole story tbh, but they are all focusing on me not sleeping in our bedroom. Apparently this turns it into an argument / fight? Iโve gotten messages from a couple of mutual friends and family members but havenโt responded yet."
Is this new behavior?
"The funny thing is he use be really quite and considerate in the mornings when he started work earlier than me. Idk why heโs having difficulties replicating after work."
Does he usually run to his family/friends with things like this?
"Thereโs only been a couple of instances (2) that I can think of when he has discussed things with his family / friends. Suppose thatโs what he uses as an outlet. I do this too with people I identify as my support system (to get advice / let my feelings out). That being said no one has ever confronted or made direct comments to him."
One more from OOP:
"No, fortunately heโs really considerate in general. This is the first this heโs acted like this. I initially thought he was acting out because heโs a morning person and is rarely up at that hour by choice. His family usually tends to side with him but I have a feeling our friends donโt know the whole story. I havenโt responded to their messages yet, I like some part of my life to be private (I do see the irony in saying this after posting on reddit for everyone to judge)."
OOP is voted NTA
Update (Same Post): July 25, 2023 (Next Day)
UPDATE: to the kind people of reddit, thank you so much for all you suggestions! I love my husband but sometimes being petty pays off. Sorry for the long post!
I started the morning at 5:30 with a quick run on the treadmill (our home gym is right next to our bedroom. Thank you thedartofwar for the idea!). This poor guy woke up and practically ran into the room thinking someoneโs trying to break in. He looked TERRIFIED!
He was confused / concerned as opposed to angry when he was questioning what Iโm doing and if everything is okay. I told him Iโm too tired due to lack of sleep and didnโt want to drive to my spin class. I thought itโs a good idea to have a quick workout at home to wake me up and stimulate endorphins. Either he was stunned into silence or was too tired to put up a fight; it took him a while to ask how long I planned on working out for. I said 45 minutes and didnโt catch the response he mumbled as he was leaving.
I finished my workout at 6:15 and had a smoothie hoping heโd fall asleep (if he hasnโt already) before hopping into the shower and carrying out phase two.
With doors locked and the volume set to what I guess he usually listens to music on I put my playlist to work (I now realise that you canโt really hear the music with the speakers outside the shower unless the volume is relatively high).
30 seconds in to the first song plays (Awaken by Dethklok, thank you Jackisntasquirrel!) I hear knocking on the door. I figured I could use the music and shower as an excuse to claim I didnโt hear it later! This increased to banging calling out to me by the second song (So you die by bloodbath, thank you drfstich!) and by the third song (die mf die by Dope thank you Horror-Commission656) there was complete silence. I think he only stuck around for so long since heating up another room might have taken a while. Thank you for everyone for the music suggestion, I wish he stayed for the whole playlist ๐
By the time Iโm out of the shower our bedroom is empty. I found him watching TV downstairs.
He asked me why I would do this when I know heโs just finished a long shift and hasnโt had any sleep. told him I thought it was acceptable since he does the same thing. Like most commenters pointed out, the whole situation shows lack of care and I was curious why he doesnโt care and what caused him to change so drastically because he usually isnโt like this.
After a lot of pushing he finally admits that he likes our conversations after work and figured if I was up, we would talk. ( I donโt understand how this is the thought process of a grown man). He claims he didnโt realise it was an issue for me because I havenโt been as angry about it (here I was thinking the situation required patience and understanding๐คฆ๐พโโ๏ธ). I also realised heโs still grieving his grandmotherโs death (she passed away in April). They use to talk on a daily basis is and he hasnโt fully accepted the loss and processed it in a healthy manner. Heโs open to the idea of getting therapy to process the grief. I donโt think this excuses his behaviour but it does explain a lot.
Getting back to the showering at 3am; weโve agreed on the following;
he will use the shower downstairs after working night shifts.
If he wants to use our shared bathroom (it has a jacuzzi) he will text me before I go to bed and Iโll sleep in the guest bedroom
I realised I was pretty much doing this to myself after the first week. I have learnt that I donโt owe anyone comfort at the expense of my well-being and shouldnโt have let it go on for so long. Yes, heโs immature and childish but Iโm hoping we can work on it together.
Thank you to everyone for their suggestions and concern! I understand all couples face challenges, these incidents in isolation doesnโt necessarily paint an accurate picture of their relationship. Like I mentioned in the comments heโs been very considerate and loving expect for a few isolated incidents (less than 5) during the 7 years Iโve known him. I donโt think itโs reasonable to expect someone to be perfect 100% of the time (I feel the need to point out that no one should use this statement to stay in an abusive or unhappy relationship!).
If youโve made it this far, I appreciate you! Apologies for the long post but Iโm lowkey proud that the pettiness paid off. sorry for any typos, Iโm still sleep deprived but looking forward to a good nightโs sleep tonight.