In short: I have been hurt/traumatized by people from the Mexican culture and I have anxiety about things like speaking/writing in Spanish or listening to music in Spanish. How can I reconnect with a culture that has hurt me so much but that I also love very much?

Longer version:

My family is from Mexico and I was born in the United States. I grew up with Spanish as my first language and then I learned English at 4 and grew up in the USA until I was 11, I lived in Mexico from 11-16 and I recently returned to the USA.

My problem is that my abusers are all Mexican and they used religion, misogyny, "machismo" culture, Mexican phrases, and words like "Pendeja" to denigrate me and try to make me conform. For example: "women need to clean up after their husbands and make dinner, therefore you need to start practicing by caring for your dad, even though you are 5".

And they listened to music in Spanish all the time, or they took me to Mexican festivals that made me "triggered": this is because parties and places with lots of people make me feel overwhelmed, not because I disliked the folklore dances.

Although I lived in Mexico, I never felt 100% part of the culture, and I met too many people with mysogynist ideas, or who "joked around" about horrible things, triggering me.

Today I can't even listen to music in Spanish without being triggered. And since I may have to return to Mexico due to financial issues, I feel anguished.

Yet I don't feel 100% in tune with American culture either, I live in LA and it's honestly worse than living in Mexico ngl. I just feel cultureless and would like to connect to the good parts of each culture, you know?

How can I trust a culture that has hurt me a lot? How can I get over my trauma to be able to live in Mexico with peace of mind, or listen to music in Spanish? It's even hard for me to write in Spanish without feeling anxious...

Advice very much appreciated.