So I never expected I would be a write in but I need some external help with this. Sorry if formatting is weird or wording is jumbled up, I’m writing quick and on my phone.
Me (42f) and my husband(45m) never have any big problems, we have five children (17m,16f,14m,10m,6m) and any fights we do have are over them. Which is what this was.
We have a pool and we had a large amount of people here this weekend to celebrate my daughter’s sweet sixteen. Of course most of the guests were teenage girls/boys, but family and friends of me and my husbands came too.
One of these friends was my husband's best friend (also 45) and girlfriend(32). We will call him H.
I’ve never been too extremely fond of him or the age gap between him and his girlfriend. But alas our children do consider and call him their uncle. I'm close enough to his girlfriend to consider her a close friend though.
Since all my daughters friends were all having big sweet sixteen parties she wanted one too. So the pool was all decorated and so was the inside and outside. And per her request she was the only one at the party in a red bathing suit so she would stand out.
The party was going great until I was in the laundry room grabbing stuff when I overheard H talking in the room over. Most likely on his phone.
He was saying how she was hotter than the girls he’d known as a teen, and he kind of wished she was turning 18 not 16. That any boy who fucked her would be doing a “service to god” and she looked too good in a red bathing suit…
I stopped, I wasn’t immediately jumping to action, I was confused. This is a man my children grew up with, who babysitted them, stayed many nights over at our house, talking about my daughter in a way no one should talk about a child.
I marched outside and dragged my husband into the house to the room H was in.
I’ll admit, I yelled and told H he wasn’t allowed in my house or around any of our family again, especially our daughter, and to leave immediately, before telling my husband anything.
H got red in the face and cussed at me and my husband for eavesdropping. I screamed at H to tell my husband what he was saying in my house about my daughter. H got even more mad before storming out and leaving in his girlfriend's car…without his girlfriend.
My husband was getting irritated and demanded to know what happened, so I took a second to calm down before telling him. He told me we would deal with it later and just let our daughter have a great rest of the party. I agreed and we rejoined that party, even though we got a few looks.
H’s girlfriend came up to me towards the end asking why H was spamming her phone telling her that I was a bitch, asshole, basically all the derogatory terms you can think, even going as far to say I was “a whore just like my slut daughter”. I was extremely appalled and dragged her over to my husband who gave me an exasperated look. He told me to let it die for just a bit and he will talk to H after the party.
That was yesterday afternoon and My husband just recently came home after meeting up with H and staying the night. He said I was overreacting, that H wasn’t even talking about our daughter, that I shouldn’t have acted the way I did all day and I was connecting dots that weren’t supposed to be connected. I was upset and told him even if it wasn’t our daughter he was talking about, he’s still talking about a 16 year old in a inappropriate way.
We argued for a long time before eventually he left again, saying he was going to drive to blow off steam. Now I’m in the bathroom shaking and crying. How am I supposed to just sit back and allow this creep near any of my children? I love my husband and I think he’s just been blinded by his loyalty to his friend. I don’t want to get a divorce, especially because I live across the country from my family, and I don’t want to leave my husband. I love him, But he isn’t taking me seriously in a serious situation.
I keep thinking, even if he wasn’t talking about my daughter, he was still talking about someone the age of my daughter. It’s wrong in so many ways. I would have still acted this way if it was about someone else at the party.
I keep thinking this is a nightmare and I’m going to wake up, but no, it’s reality.
I’m just overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. Please help me.
Edit: Hey guys, OP here. Thanks for everyone who responded in the comments. I appreciate every single one of you and I’ve read just about every comment. My hearts go out to those who have gone through something like this in the past.
My husband still isn’t back from his “drive”. I have a suspicion he might be out with H because I called H’s girlfriend (we’re gonna call her S now) to tell her everything, she told me he left that morning and hasn’t been home sense. Either me or my son are going to swing by her appartement and she’s gonna stay over here for a few nights (I don’t think she can stand to see H any more than I can). She’s been angry at him ever since the text messages.
I’ve told my eldest son. He acted the way my husband should have acted. He’s angry and ready to hop in the car and find both H and my husband. I feel bad involving him but I need him to know what happened so he can protect his siblings. I’m unsure how I’m going to approach the rest of the kids with this but I am going to have separate talks with all of them about any inappropriate behavior H might have had. My eldest son told me that H never did anything to him, he noticed some behavior which was always strange but he blamed it on just being weird.
So here are my plans.
H isn’t going to be allowed near any of my kids. Ever. This is a fine line if I decide to stay with my husband and he try’s to cross it? Than he will be the next one to go. (Btw my legal ppl, can I get a restraining order(s)? Is that how that works?)
I’m going to tell my husband he isn’t allowed home or allowed to talk to my kids. This is until I tell all of my children what happened, have talk with each of them separately, and me and him have a talk in a public space (I’m thinking cafe or park) with a friend there to mediate. Anything he needs until then can be brought to him by his sister.
Me and S are going to go through my husbands stuff and whatever she can grab from her and H’s apartment. We’re looking for any CP or things that are suspicious. I’m also worried about this third man, the one on the phone. Maybe S knows them. Also, not immediately the moment she gets here, we are going to wait until maybe tomorrow or even the next day.
I will keep you guys updated on any new things that happen! Thanks so much for the support as my life unravels lol