Some times I feel that we are looked at as bad and crazy people by the AP’s. Just because we reacted in a angry way towards them. Then they are the victims and we are the mean people. I know that many people have the grace to not act out. But acting out, being angry, being assertive and ruthless is a normal feeling. How else am I supposed to act when someone participated happily to ruin my life into pieces.

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3 comments

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40 comments

Posted by

Considering R

3 hours ago

Oh well, seems it was all a bit too hard

Feeling Down

There's only so much you can do to try and elicit some empathy from a WS, I found to my dismay tonight. It was just too hard for him to understand the value of placing me first, and draw out a rimline and full disclosure. 5 months of WH promising to, but what followed was DD2/3/4 and maybe even 5 with TT dripped throughout.

WS just isn't able to undertake the work needed, face his demons, lay out all the facts, although he felt telling me he loved me, wanted me, wanted the marriage to work was enough to make me beleive everything he'd said up to today was the 'truth'. He just wasnt able to put my need first. So it ended up him saying I just looked for excuses to not make the marriage work. The infidelity was nothing. I'd made a big issue over nothing.

We had MC booked for Sat, but I'll go alone. Given everything he said tonight there's nothing to work with.

I know now nothing I could've said, done, didnt say, didnt do, would've been enough, and the liklihood of him continuing believing cheating is 'nothing' would mean he'd do it again, and again, and again.

Shame, but need to let WH go.

2 comments

Posted by

Considering R

8 hours ago

why is it so hard!?

RANT

Trying to get a full story out of WH is like pulling teeth. There is much paraphrasing and shortening details or he feels as if certain details aren’t important so he leaves them out. I’m getting so frustrated trying to get him to tell a full story from start to finish. How hard is it to tell something in chronological order. Why do I have to fish around for additional details.

I’m not asking for the exact time of day or day of the week. I’m asking for the details to a conversation, who said what. Instead I keep getting general statements and a whole bunch of sugar coating.

It’s ironic how WH is afraid to be blunt or say the nitty gritty but had zero issue doing what he did.

Im getting so fed up.

9 comments

108

Posted by

Reconciling BS

16 hours ago

My WS was very sexually open with her AP but she cant/wont do the same with me

Question

My (43m) wife (40f) had a short but intense affair with someone she met online while playing games. It was just 4 months in duration but it was very intense from what I can gather after reading their texts messages and what she has told me. They basically had a dom/sub relationship, he was the dom and she was the sub. She tells me that he is someone who has a lot of experience being a dom and has multiple subs. So she was very eager to please him, he told her it was a competition and she had to work hard. And boy, she did work very hard.

They had sex in her car, she sent him videos of herself from her office, our home and even a family event we attended, she had to be always ready whenever he called to do whatever he wanted. He once came down to where we live and they had sex in his car while I was sitting upstairs in our home. One of his conditions was that she could never say no to him otherwise he would drop her and she took her sub duties very seriously, fml.

Now we have been trying to reconcile for 6 months now and she has been remorseful and transparent about most things. But one area where we have made almost no progress is sex, she says she is so ashamed of how she acted during her affair that she cant bring herself to have sex with me. For me it just confirms my belief that she preferred him over me but she says thats not the case. We just cant seem to make any headway in this regard and its really affecting me and how I see her. I am growing resentful and angry at her and I dont know how long I can take this shame filled period of her. But I do love her and she has been working really hard on herself so I get confused. Any advise would be greatly appreciated because I am slowly losing my mind over this.

PS- We are both in IC but no MC yet. Also, we have a 10 years old daughter.

108

131 comments

About Community

AOAI is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating.

Created Feb 18, 2018

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r/AsOneAfterInfidelity Rules

All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.

Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
“Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.

The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.

Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.

All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.

No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.

e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.

No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.

Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)

No anti-reconciliation language.

Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.

Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION.

The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. This is not a general infidelity discussion,advice forum or survey group, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.

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