I moved from a very conservative part of the US (think denim dresses) to a major US city about 8 years ago. Growing up, I was considered unacceptably eccentric for stuff that in retrospect was shockingly mundane. I always felt like there were eyes on me at all times in the small community I was in, and the feeling only got worse as I got older and became more interested in the arts, alternative fashion, and body mods. While I did eventually come out as gay in my 20s (and looked like it) I really felt that having a (small at the time) septum ring was surprisingly the bigger issue for a lot of people, or maybe it was the fact I refused to "tone it down" and assimilate myself, and I was tired of getting weird looks and general coldness from people in public. I hated feeling stigmatized by doctors that I needed to see for a chronic health condition, and I'm pretty sure it eventually affected my treatment plan.

When I moved to a large city I relished the anonymity and the fact that people simply did not have the time or energy to care what I looked like. The space from feeling unmonitored was truly freeing and I appreciated being able to get jobs without having to consider anything other than basic professionalism in appearance. I ended up acquiring more piercings and (hideable) tattoos while living here.

I am very interested in further modification and potentially mods that are harder to reverse or hide than what I have now-- namely much more tattooing and possibly some on my face/head, as well as going bigger and more radical with some of my piercing jewelry. However, my family still lives back in the conservative area of the country, and I've been considering moving back to help a family member with health issues. I am very close with this person and they've offered me a deal that would be mutually beneficial financially. While this relative lives somewhere that's changed somewhat since I've left and I'm not concerned for my physical safety, I'm worried about coping with social intolerance, ostracism, and disgust again when I've had such a big break from it for years. I don't want to commit to even more body mods before I know where I'm planning to live and how I'm going to handle it.

Has anyone dealt with a situation like this? I visited the area a few times in the last year and was shocked by both the changes that have happened... and the things that have very much stayed the same. I do not consider myself very modified by body mod standards and do not particularly stick out in the hipster-y neighborhood I work in (even though I am a bit more on the modded side) but I do stick out back home. I'm concerned about doing things that would make that experience worse for me when it's already so loaded for me to (re)experience. While I am extremely grateful for getting out of there for a time and doing the healing I needed to do, in a sense I suspect I may have been able to handle things better if I hadn't seen what it was like elsewhere. I don't feel like I'm emotionally capable of coping by hiding myself like I used to now that I know what it's like to be more open with who I am and how I like to live, but I don't know how I will cope if I remove my ability to hide totally (through bigger and irreversible mods).