r/Justnofil

I hate my boyfriend’s parents for their entitlement and inconsideration during the most special and magical yet also stressful time of my life as a mom who just had her first baby. They tried to make this time all about them and it’ll be hard for me to ever forgive them for not giving a fuck about my boundaries or comfort. I guess they just see me as an incubator for their grandchild, not a human being… my boyfriend is a pushover so I guess they thought they could do the same to me but I am putting my foot down now.

My boyfriend’s mom was already being pushy with wanting to visit before I even had my baby, not caring about our wishes and boundaries when we let her know, already making it all about her. She also wanted my boyfriend to visit for the 4th of July when I was fucking 37 weeks pregnant…!!! Like HELLO???? That is NOT the time… it should be obvious to any sane and normal human that I would need my partner more than ever due to being heavily pregnant AND because the baby could come at any time… my partner could’ve missed the birth if he went!! So that showed she doesn’t give a fuck about him either… ALWAYS herself first I guess. And looking back I can see it was probably also a power trip to prove to her ego that he’ll put her above me. I didn’t know better at the time and said he could go if he wanted, but he ended up canceling his flight at the advice of my obgyn, and she even had the audacity to be annoyed that he wouldn’t be going… smh.

Before I gave birth, I liked his dad and would often tell my boyfriend how he's so caring and sweet etc. after they got off the phone or if my boyfriend brought him up in conversation. But now I have SO MUCH anger and resentment towards him especially.

Before I gave birth he was already super pushy about coming to the hospital (it was never an ask if we wanted that, it was a “make sure you let me know when it happens so I can come”) and I told my boyfriend I wasn't comfortable with that as I didn't want to have to worry about an outside person being there and waiting, and how I'd feel rushed when all I'd want was to focus on bonding with my baby and recovering after the birth. But he didn't support me on that, and not having gone through this experience before I naively thought it would be ok, and also didn’t know how common it is for women to not want their partner’s family at the hospital and how it is THEIR RIGHT to choose as the fucking patient laying in the hospital bed. I felt pressured like I had to let him be there and was being empathetic towards him wanting to be there, which ended up being a huge mistake as he didn’t show me any consideration back and ruined what should have been very special moments.

I deeply regret not standing my ground as my boyfriend’s dad crossed so many boundaries at the hospital and really took advantage of us letting him be there. He deliberately hid that he would be bringing his stepson… he brought someone who is basically a stranger into my recovery room where I was on full display in all my postpartum glory— a leaking, bloody, swollen mess. He knew it was inappropriate and that we wouldn’t be ok with it, which is why he kept it a secret and deliberately didn’t mention it when my boyfriend and him were texting before and during when he was on his way to the hospital. So he didn’t give a fuck about our experience having just had OUR first baby, he just did what he wanted with no consideration for us. He made our baby all about HIM and what he wanted, not about us as the baby’s parents.

And when my family showed up, those two were also there, and instead of being able to enjoy this amazing, special, magical moment with my family, they made it SO. FUCKING. AWKWARD as these two random men that my family had never met were in the room. It’s hard for me to move on from feeling like that monumental moment in my life was stolen from me; I didn’t even get to enjoy it. But of course my boyfriend’s dad wasn’t thinking about me and how that should have been MY moment and about my comfort, after having just pushed out MY first baby out of MY body, laying there as a hospital patient trying to recover from a major medical event. Instead it was as if I was NOTHING, not a human being worthy of dignity and consideration. I can’t believe it yet I’m sure he still believes he did nothing wrong.

And then to add insult to injury, he stayed in the room while I was stressed out and trying to learn how to breastfeed during my session with a lactation consultant. Yes, he stayed in the room while my fucking boobs were out. I tried to cover myself with a blanket but I was SO uncomfortable. I am honestly quite scarred from that experience... I ask myself if I’m being too dramatic in how I’m feeling, but then I realize, no, that was so beyond invasive and weird. My boyfriend didn’t ask his dad to leave the room and I was too uncomfortable and I think just stressed and shocked and focusing on the baby in that moment to stand up for myself. Now I am no longer comfortable around his dad and will decline when he wants to visit my home anymore in the future (I allowed it twice after the birth but have decided no more… it is my home that my boyfriend only moved into after our baby’s birth, and I told him if he wants to see his parents he can go visit them or get his own place for them to stay at for visits… but I don’t want them around my baby or to step foot into my home). His dad just makes me feel creeped out now.

He’s also said things that make me uncomfortable to let him around my baby. He talked about how he dropped his first baby on the head and how one of his babies fell off the changing table. Then he said he will take my baby out alone, so that me and my boyfriend can have some alone time, then added “once she’s older”. This in addition to him not having any fucking boundaries and not caring about my feelings or comfort, and him testing his limits back when I didn’t have a backbone which ended up in me feeling extremely violated I s a huge red flag to me that he might do all sorts of inappropriate things with my child that HE thinks is ok. So no he won’t be taking my baby ANYWHERE. Any time he spends with her will be supervised by me.

In my home he also tried to TELL me not ASK me about coming back to my house and staying multiple nights with my boyfriend’s stepmom even after my boyfriend told him I wouldn’t be comfortable with it, then lied about doing so when my boyfriend confronted him about TELLING me he’s coming to stay at my house longer after my boyfriend already said no. He also mispronounced my baby’s name for the first time when he was leaving my house, so I guess he’s trying to play games with me.

His mom’s pushiness and overbearingness is annoying but doesn’t matter as much since she lives in a different state and all I need to do is stand my ground and continue to say no when she wants to come to my home.

It’s only been 5 weeks since I gave birth but I’m sure his parents already see me as this evil woman keeping them from their grandchild and will never understand what they did wrong. What they can’t seem to understand is that after a baby is born, the comfort of the baby and mother should be of the utmost importance, but instead of being patient and respectful they overstepped their boundaries by a huge margin and tried to make everything all about them when they have no entitlement or right to my baby.

Well now that I know the type of people they are, I will be calling the shots and putting my foot down, because I am after all the baby’s mother and not the invisible incubator they tried to treat me as. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Update: I have spoken to my husband about not informing them about the trips but he insists that it is wired for him not to tell them. And in case if emergency it's better to tell them. During emergencies, we have friends and neighbors who are ready to help out. But he won't budge. He is certain they won't come because historically they have just asked in different ways and not come. But my point is they are more driven now, more creative and this is the first time my husband is going to be in different time zone. They are just going to be extra pushy which I don't want to deal with.

Husband is going on a work trip. My kids are little and I am going to be alone with the them. I am prepared and I have done this before. But my in laws always insist I need help and are always trying to insert themselves. The previous trips were just a few hours drive so my husband could just come before my in laws can catch a 6 hour flight from where they live. Even then they tried saying that they can come and help with cooking. Fil exact quote was "we are thinking of coming". My hubby told them I am fine. They actually don't do anything - not even unload the dishwasher. They overwork me so we are tired to spend time with the kids and ask constant questions and bully me. They also call playing with the kids as helping. They both are also mysogonist, sexist and racist.

We have distanced ourselves quiet a bit. Two trips a year and FaceTime once in two weeks. They only get to communicate with me during that FaceTime which is minimal. They are always insisting that we need their help and it will be easy if they are near. They want to quit their jobs occupy their time using our kids. My fil commented that his work is busy and he wants to quit and focus on the kids. So they are just waiting for a problem to occur in our lives so they can feel good about themselves. My parents are narcs. Once they knew my equation with my parents is bad, their mistreatment of me intensified. That's the reason we started keeping our distance.

I am just scared about this work trip because it's farther away and my in laws are going to make a big fuss about it saying that it's not safe and it will be helpful. The other tactics they have used are they use other relatives/ extended family and say "I told them about this and they said I should go help". Okay have always maintained that I am fine and I am used to it now. My mil and fil play tag team too like good cop bad cop. If we tell our mil that we don't need the help, next she will call and say fil told her to go. Once she just sent a text saying that "I am feeling bad that you are all suffereing, so I am booking the tickets tonight and coming there". This is after we explicitly told her that her coming would complicate things.

Each time they get more and more pushy and more creative. I definitely do not want them when my husband is not present. It also rubs me in a weird way that they know very well I am not comfortable with them or do not find them helpful but always insist on conversing with me or having alone time with me insisting that my husband go to work. How do I handle it this time? My hubby said he is going to do the same thing as last time, tell them over the phone"e, don't pass the phone to me. When we do FaceTime and my fil says something like "we are thinking of coming" it's going make me angry. Any sugggestions or how this should be handled or shit down. T Is it helpful to be more direct. Is it okay for my husband to say

1. You are not coming when I am not there.

2. It won't be helpful if you come.

Please this is also a vent post. Any ideas will help. Thank you.

Husband is going on a work trip. My kids are little and I am going to be alone with the them. I am prepared and I have done this before. But my in laws always insist I need help and are always trying to insert themselves. The previous trips were just a few hours drive so my husband could just come before my in laws can catch a 6 hour flight from where they live. Even then they tried saying that they can come and help with cooking. Fil exact quote was "we are thinking of coming". My hubby told them I am fine. They actually don't do anything - not even unload the dishwasher. They overwork me so we are tired to spend time with the kids and ask constant questions and bully me. They also call playing with the kids as helping. They both are also mysogonist, sexist and racist.

We have distanced ourselves quiet a bit. Two trips a year and FaceTime once in two weeks. They only get to communicate with me during that FaceTime which is minimal. They are always insisting that we need their help and it will be easy if they are near. They want to quit their jobs occupy their time using our kids. My fil commented that his work is busy and he wants to quit and focus on the kids. So they are just waiting for a problem to occur in our lives so they can feel good about themselves. My parents are narcs. Once they knew my equation with my parents is bad, their mistreatment of me intensified. That's the reason we started keeping our distance.

I am just scared about this work trip because it's farther away and my in laws are going to make a big fuss about it saying that it's not safe and it will be helpful. The other tactics they have used are they use other relatives/ extended family and say "I told them about this and they said I should go help". Okay have always maintained that I am fine and I am used to it now. My mil and fil play tag team too like good cop bad cop. If we tell our mil that we don't need the help, next she will call and say fil told her to go. Once she just sent a text saying that "I am feeling bad that you are all suffereing, so I am booking the tickets tonight and coming there". This is after we explicitly told her that her coming would complicate things.

Each time they get more and more pushy and more creative. I definitely do not want them when my husband is not present. It also rubs me in a weird way that they know very well I am not comfortable with them or do not find them helpful but always insist on conversing with me or having alone time with me insisting that my husband go to work. How do I handle it this time? My hubby said he is going to do the same thing as last time, tell them over the phone"e, don't pass the phone to me. When we do FaceTime and my fil says something like "we are thinking of coming" it's going make me angry. Any sugggestions or how this should be handled or shit down. T Is it helpful to be more direct. Is it okay for my husband to say

1. You are not coming when I am not there.

2. It won't be helpful if you come.

Please this is also a vent post. Any ideas will help. Thank you.