The OOP is u/VanBabyPony2 - DO NOT HARASS HER

Content Warning: Depression, Emotional Abuse

Mood Spoiler: Things get really bad, but there's a glimmer of hope

Please note that I was not able to include all the posts here because Reddit posts have a character limit of 40,000 and this exceeded that. I considered making a part one/two of this, but decided against it as this story had been posted here before.

So: please read this previous BORU post for the first post and the first five updates.

To give a TL;DR: OOP's mother came out of the closet and moved away with her fiancée. Things spiraled for OOP when she overheard her mother talking about moving on from her old life. Her mother did not visit her in the hospital when she medical issues. At her mother's wedding, OOP was snubbed by her mother. Her mother began forcing OOP to come over for her in-laws, trying to control her university choice and ditched her birthday party.

Update 6 - January 17th 2023:

So, the day after my dad and his fiancee got married (I guess she's also my stepmom now) I had to go to Victoria because my mom wanted me there. My cousin was supposed to come but she changed plans cause her boyfriend got time off work so they went to Whistler instead. When I got to my mom's house, I was there for half an hour and found out my mom and her wife were going to Ottawa for her wife's job so I'd be staying with my step-grandparents until Christmas weekend. I call them step-grandparents here cause it makes sense for some reason but in real life I've started calling them nana and papa. I'll be honest, I had so much fun with them. I really love them both so much. Step-grandpa loves basketball as well and he's also a Lakers fan, step-grandma taught me how to knit (I'm not that good), they made me amazing breakfasts and lunch every day I was there, we would go out for dinner every night and they even live closer to UVic than my mom does, so they said if I go there, they'd turn a room into a study room for me.

The thing was when my mom came back and I went back there, she told me that she found out while in Ottawa that they got a new car for me for Christmas. Mom was kind of angry because she thinks it's too much and I was honestly just scared cause I've never had anything so expensive. But my mom talked it out with my dad and apparently it's all right. So, on Christmas, they brought me the car and it is really cool. I was so nervous to drive it but I do like it. I left it in Victoria because I don't want to drive by myself yet. My mom got me a lot of presents and I mean a lot, there was so much there it felt super overwhelming.

After Christmas, we saw that new Disney movie Strange World because my mom and I both love those kind of movies. In it the main character is a teenager who has issues with his dad and grandpa and he's also gay, but it's just who he is and it's handled like normal in the movie. But as soon as it became clear he was gay, my mom got really quiet and just kind of shut down and just went to her room when the movie was done. She didn't even say good night to me. When I went to brush I could hear her crying really badly to her wife and I know I shouldn't spy but I just had to and she was crying about how it's so normal now and how she wishes she could have come out as a teenager and lived her life the way she should have and how she and her wife could have gotten married way before. I felt really bad and then I heard her talk about how many years she wasted as a soccer mom and I got mad as well and just went to my room.

I was kind of prepared to argue about the movie the next morning but my mom didn't even come out of her room. Her wife said she was feeling sick and when I went to say good morning, she stopped me cause she was like my mom doesn't me to see her like that. I heard my mom throwing up and when I said good morning through the door just to check on her she said it back but then started crying again really loudly and had her wife take me away because she said she can't let me hear her cry. I just stayed watching tv after that because I felt really bad cause it was my idea to watch that movie. Her wife kept going back and forth and tried to get her to eat and apparently she ate some bread but then she threw that up too.

Then my step-grandparents came because they were worried and they went driving with me to distract me. We went to DQ even though it was really cold and it did get my mind off things until step-grandpa answered a call from my mom's wife and and then he was telling her to take my mom to a hospital but I heard her mention how my mom would rather die than go there and how she didn't see her parents in the hospital and didn't even go to see me. When my step-grandparents asked if that was true, I said it was about me and I tried not to but I did cry. They got me to stop and I still feel fucking embarrassed that I cried in front of them but we had a good day together.

When my step-grandparents dropped me off, my mom was on the couch and called me over and then gave me such a big hug but it was like she was holding in tears. She told me that she wasn't feeling good at all and asked if I wouldn't mind going back to my step-grandparents the day after. Her wife said that maybe they should send me back to Vancouver and I could stay with my uncle and my mom just got so angry I actually got really scared and she went on a rant about how she's not going to let me see him and how he's just been trying to turn me against her and he just hates her because she doesn't have aids trauma (that didn't make sense because my uncle doesn't have aids) and he needs to get over himself and remember that my dad is his brother and not son and to focus on his actual granddaughter. Her wife tried to calm her down but then she just yelled out that she wishes that my uncle would just fucking die and it was the worst decision of her life to pity my dad and not just take me with her when she left. I really didn't know that she hated him that much. Like when I was younger, they were always so close and dad would even joke sometimes about her stealing his brother.

I honestly started crying really badly because he is my favourite uncle but that just made mom angrier and she was like to her wife that it's jut proof that nobody understands and that my uncle is trying to steal me cause I'm the best thing in her life. Then she actually yelled at me to fucking stop crying, that I cried more than I did when I was a baby and she said the thing about me not getting a husband again. Her wife just took my mom to their room and they left me on the couch and I don't know I couldn't stop crying and I just fell asleep there cause I didn't feel like I could move.

In the morning, I woke up and I was still on the couch but there was a blanket on me and my head was in my mom's lap and really felt like crying again but I held it in and then my mom actually said sorry. She said she doesn't know what's been happening to her since we saw the movie but it was no excuse to yell at me for crying and she's so sorry that she hurt me so badly and she's starting to understand how horrible she's been to me the entire winter break. She called her wife over and made her apologize to me too. And after breakfast we had a really big talk about how she was feeling and she seemed really sorry and said she would never get mad at me for crying again. But what mattered to me was when she said she was sorry she took all her anger on my uncle out on me and that she was wrong to do that and wrong to let me know how she feels because it would be wrong to make me stop loving him. She said she knows I might not forgive her but even if I do, she'll never forgive herself and she will try to change back to who I need her to be so we can go back to normal. She did offer to let me go to him and I don't know why I didn't say yes but I kind of felt like I still had to stay.

I talked to her wife too and she was really sorry for what happened cause she'd never seen my mom that way before and just wanted to calm things down. She told me she was wrong not to take my side and apparently my mom was mad at her for not doing that and she feels really guilty and she's the one who put the blanket on me and she slept by me until like 4 AM when my mom came and took over. She also said she'd do whatever it took to get my forgiveness and she wishes she never hurt me because I've become such an important part of her life and she's so grateful I love her parents.

For the rest of the break, my mom didn't really talk that much and she did start eating, but it wasn't that much. My step-grandparents came over every day to check on me. Mom did seem to get a little bit better on New Years. Every time I'd ask how she felt though she'd just say she's fine and it's her job to worry about me and not the other way around. I did go home the day after New Years because school was starting but I had to go back on Friday (I got back Sunday night) because I had a meeting at UVic. And mom seemed really different, she seemed smaller somehow and she definitely looked skinnier. I know it's only been two weeks but she seemed skinnier and she still seemed sad but like she was at least pretending to be happy.

The meeting at UVic went really good and it really does seem like an amazing place to go to school and even though I don't know if I want to do engineering anymore, there's still a lot there. My mom did make me sign up to go check out UBC, SFU and Langara as well. She also said that she's going with her wife to Ontario in February and we can do a road trip together while her wife is working and check out univerisites there like Waterloo or McMaster and U of T. She said she wanted me to know I can choose to go to them but she's confident I'll come to her. But aside from the meeting, she didn't leave home at all (I did to hang out with my step-grandparents) and when I was there, she cuddled me almost the entire day unless we were eating and her wife told me she's been working from home. I don't know what to make about any of it like if this means I'm getting my mom back like she used to be or if she's just going to keep on changing or if she's depressed now too. I wasn't planning on posting but I feel like I need people's opinions on what could be happening with her.

Comments:

• OOP comments on her mom being afraid of the hospital here: "Thank you, it meant a lot that my mom apologized to me too. I was surprised that she did and maybe it means more than it seems. I never knew she was afraid of the hospital before because it's not like she's never taken me to the doctor and she obviously had to go when she gave birth to me but it does make sense. "

• OOP comments on her mom's AIDS insult here: "I know for a fact that my uncle doesn't have aids. He helped me when I was in grade eight with a project we did on HIV/AIDS in Malawi about a book called the Heaven Shop and he introduced me to a friend of his from South Africa who has it for an interview part me and my friend put in it. But we didn't learn anything about an AIDS epidemic, only that it's a serious problem in countries like Malawi. My uncle's in his fifties, so maybe that was what she was talking about."

• OOP comments on her parents' ages here: "My mom and dad got married right when high school finished and then they had me not that long after. "

Previous BoRU - Feb 17th, 2023

Update 7 - March 21st, 2023

So, I'm posting here because I've gotten a lot of DMs and I guess I just want to address things. My spring break is almost over, just this week left, so I don't know how much more I'll be on here. I'm not posting this in JUSTNOMIL because my original account has not been restored yet and I figure it's best if I only post on my profile or on mom for a minute and I'm sure that whoever sees this here could give advice. That way I won't break any rules again.

So, first I haven't seen my mom since winter break and I do miss her a lot. It's weird because I don't want to go to her house and my therapist has been helping me deal with it saying this is the time to learn to be myself but I do miss her a lot and I wish I could see her. At the beginning of last month, my mom did start going to therapy herself and I was supposed to go and see her for Valentines but her therapist said she was unstable and made it an unsafe environment for me so I couldn't go. She texts me good morning and good night every day but whenever I've called or FaceTimed she would hang up and I know that because it ends after a ring or she'd text me to not call. I talked to her wife on the phone every week and she said she's been getting better.

My cousin got engaged last week and my mom did call me then. My mom and my cousin are really close and I'm so happy she's getting married so it's a big deal for all of us. And my mom promised me that she'll come over whenever my cousin actually starts planning because she's doesn't want to get married until November. She did start making those jokes again about me and my boyfriend being next but stopped when I asked.

And when she called, my mom told me that therapy has helped her see she had the wrong view on some things, so she said she's sorry for not to taking me with her when she came out and moved. She said that's why I was being resentful and thinking horrible things and if she could do it all over again, she would take me so we could be as close as we were. She said she didn't take me because she still loves my dad and was worried he would be broken without me and she didn't want to uproot my life. She did say it was nice to get a break from being a day to day mom but it hasn't been worth how bad things have gotten between us. She promised me I am the most important thing in her life and when therapy gets her to a place where she can be herself again we will be just like we used to.

I don't know every time I think about that call it's been confusing me because I'm happy that she finally said sorry to me and that it's not my fault and she was wrong to go without me. But at the same time the call just kept making me feel like she's never going to get to where she needs to be even though she's in therapy. I know I'm being ridiculous or worrying too much because I tried to tell her that but she didn't get what I meant.

My step-grandparents did come over for the weekend though. We had a lot of fun together and step-grandpa/papa promised me that he'd get us Lakers tickets if they made it to the playoffs. And not just him and me but my cousin, her fiancée, my dad and his wife too. So I really hope that they do. They did ask me about my mom and told me she's got a really big promotion at work but I guess they knew talking about her was making me sad since they only did it once.

Oh and to people messaging me asking about my uncle and asking if he's the same uncle I mentioned who has a son, yes he is. When my uncle's partner was alive, he got custody of his nephew because his sister died and my uncle and his partner raised him together. So he is my uncle's son and is my cousin and his daughter is my niece. I got 12 people messaging me and like it's probably just one troll but it is very annoying.

If you guys have any advice that I can bring up with my therapist, I would love to hear it.

Previous BoRU - March 29 2023

Update 8 - May 24th 2023

So I guess I'm posting here because I need to vent somewhere because it feels like nobody is listening. I guess the first thing is that other than texting, my mom and I haven't talked at all aside from this last weekend.

The first thing was that my cousin is getting married and she told me that she wants to have kids as soon as she gets married. Because my aunt isn't alive and our real grandparents aren't either, she wants my mom to be her kids' grandma. I don't know why that still made me feel so weird especially because I was there when my cousin phoned my mom and she seemed so happy and excited even though this is like two years away. But my mom has been taking care of my cousin since she was like eleven or twelve and they both mean a lot to each other so I tried to get over it.

And then my step-grandfather got me, my dad, my cousin and her fiance tickets to the Lakers/Warriors game. My step-grandfather couldn't come even though he wanted to because my step-grandmother and my mom's wife got sick and my mom didn't feel she could take care of both of them alone. I still had the best time at the game and saw Lebron and Steph Curry and the Lakers even won but I wish that everyone could have gone.

And then I got into UVic, UBC, SFU, McMaster, Waterloo, Guelph and University of Guelph. I think it's because of my extracurricular projects and clubs because my English grades are still very bad even though I'm doing great in everything else. So my mom phoned me and said she was coming over this last weekend because it was a long weekend and we were going to talk about university and her will and I got nervous but excited because she was actually going to come.

And she came on Friday and said she'd be staying with my cousin but she came to our house first. She really looked a lot different, I mean she looked so much skinnier than before and she had her hair dyed jet black with green streaks in it. And then she was wearing all these fancy and expensive clothes that she never wore before like she was wearing a Versace dress and promised to get me one too. She also got a tattoo on her wrist with my name and showed me it and the design was beautiful but it was so weird seeing her looking so different.

She said she'd leave on Monday and that gave us an entire weekend together. She took me and my boyfriend out for dinner and then we even watched the new Fast and Furious movie and she didn't even make those jokes about us getting married. And I stayed over at my cousin's that night and we did cuddle and get up late and make breakfast together and we had a lot of fun. We spent that day together as well and then had dinner at a really nice place in Burnaby with my cousin and her fiance.

And then on Sunday we finally had the talk. She and my dad and my dad's wife sat me down and first they talked about the will. My mom said she's leaving me most of the things she has with my cousin getting the rest and my dad said pretty much the same. I don't want to go into specifics but they kept talking about it down to the details like my great grandmother's necklaces and what to do when I inherit their houses and life insurance and stuff even though I really didn't want to. It felt so morbid thinking about them being dead and they wouldn't stop, they both said I'm going to university, I'm 17 and I need to know this and it just made my mood so sour.

And then I told my mom the universities that I got into and she was so happy that I got into so many. And then she said that as much as she wants me to come to UVic, she's proud of me either way and would be perfectly fine with me staying and going to UBC. But then I told her that my boyfriend was going to McMaster and I wanted to go so we could be together. Her face got really disappointed then and she said that's not the right reason to choose moving all the way to Hamilton for and she can't support my decision if it's not for myself and my education. She said if I'm serious about going to an east coast university then every other one on my list is just as good.

That started another argument between us because I got really mad and asked what's the problem and she asked if I'm going to study or to support my boyfriend. Then she went on about sex and what if I got pregnant and I yelled at her that she should be happy since it's like she keeps talking about me getting married and having kids. She didn't yell back at me and just said that she was always joking about that and won't make those jokes again. But then I said that she and dad were both eighteen when they got married and then had me and she started talking about how hard that made university for her and how it led her to repress who she was for so long and how she wants me to focus on my future. Then when I said I wanted to have my future with him she said she's going to talk to his mother about this and I should get ready to break up with him if he can't go long distance because it's the best thing for me.

And I started crying because I don't want to break up with him and I didn't want to because as soon as I did I could see her get really, really mad like she wanted to scream at me but all she said was that she's extremely disappointed in me and that she can't be here. She left and she went to my cousin's house and that just made me cry more and I fell asleep hugging my dad.

On Monday, my mom, my dad and my dad's wife met with my boyfriend's mom and we weren't allowed to be there. I don't know what they talked about but they did agree that we shouldn't go to McMaster together even though I know they wouldn't have said that if we both chose UBC. My boyfriend's mad too but he said that he's still going to McMaster no matter what his mom says. Before my mom left she told me she knows I'm mad at her but one day I'll know that she was just looking out for me and to choose any other university on my list and she'll pay for it right away.

It just makes no sense. I really want this and they're all agreeing with her that I shouldn't. I talked to my cousin and she said my mom has a point. I told my uncle and he said that I need to look at it like would my boyfriend go to Guelph for me even though that's not the point. Even my counselor said that my mom was right and that just because we've been having issues and that she's been on the wrong side of things doesn't means she's always wrong. I don't know what else to write I'm just feeling really pissed off.