r/TwoXChromosomes: You are the community. You have all the power of the internet to mold it.

a rambling vent.

t-minus 20-something days until I am free from my adulterous and abusive partner of 2.5 years. I should be excited; I should feel empowered and strong. I know I am logically doing the right thing. Everyone in my social circles, to whom I’ve disclosed my situation (friends, managers, one relative so far), have all agreed — get the hell out.

In fact, some are even amazed that I stayed so long even after finding out about the dating & hookup apps, the mysterious transactions, the emails soliciting sex work from backpages… Truthfully I’ve been clawing my way to financial independence for the past year since I realized what he was doing. I figured, yes I know, but maybe he’ll change. And if not, I will just fake not knowing and take the time I need to be prepared to move out so I’m not homeless. And from there, it took a long time for me to wake up. Because it wasn’t just the cheating, it was the screaming, berating, the few times that he had shoved me or lightly slapped me on the cheek, the sexual objectification, lies to hide his drug use.

One day in the car, after he made another comment on how awful I am at driving (a skill that I had been confident in for my whole life — I grew up participating in motorsports), the words just fell out of my mouth. I said:

“I never thought of myself as anything other than capable until I met you.”

He brushed it off. In that moment, the words were more jarring to me than anything else.

I am a shell of who I was. I have no confidence; my memory is shit, I feel so dumb when I used to be very academic; I second-guess everything, I can’t even talk without worrying what someone is thinking about what I am saying; I weigh more than I ever have; I feel and look horrible. But all of these feelings are in complete contrast to what I’ve done in the past 2 years. I learned a new trade that is now supporting me with ancillary income, I switched professional career paths and increased my salary by 20%, and established 2 separate circles of friends (I haven’t made new friends since 2019).

I used to pride myself on my independence. I used to think I didn’t need anyone to survive on my own. I used to value my level of integrity and character. My childhood was absolutely destroyed by infidelity; it still haunts my mother to this day. How could I let this happen to me?

Now I just feel like… I’m the one sneaking around, making these plans to leave him? Everything is sent in stone. I won’t reverse my course. I paid my deposit, set up my accounts, paid first month’s rent. But I now I feel like the bad guy. I feel like I’m overreacting. Are people going to think, “why didn’t you confront him first?” But what’s the point in that when someone made a pattern of cheating on me since 6 months in? And to top it off, I realized a few weeks ago that he is also been meeting up with and talking to “The Ex” (the one who everyone said to not worry about; they were finally done - he found me) off and on for at least this year, and I think last year too.

I should be looking forward to my apartment and putting pride in keeping things clean, and decorating, and enjoying my own safe space. It’s an absolutely beautiful space, brand new. But I’m dreading it all. I don’t know what the next chapter is supposed to look like. I just feel like an almost-30 year old failure leaving a relationship that I thought would be “It,” that I was in denial of every glaringly crimson red flag. It’s like I can’t even trust myself to date again. And why would I want to. And am I even going to be interesting or pretty or young enough to meet someone else when I’m ready?