'Shiny Happy People' Shows Who's Grooming Who

Content Note: Sexual assault, victim blaming

First came the purity rings.

All of a sudden, starting in the late '90s, it seemed like every (overtly sexualized) teen bubblegum pop star and Disney kid was sporting one, publicly advertising themselves as born-again Christian virgins who were saving themselves for marriage, as if that were anyone's business. After that, it was abstinence education and purity balls, and the many, many, deeply unsettling documentaries about the deeply unsettling father-daughter dances at which young girls dressed up like brides and promised their dads that they would keep their hymens intact until their wedding day.

Soon enough, purity culture started falling apart, as those pop stars and Disney kids who had first sparked the craze tossed out their silver rings ... or came out of the closet. The nail in the coffin seemed to come in 2015 when the news broke that Josh Duggar, of the infamously pure and holy Duggar family, stars of TLC's "19 Kids and Counting," had molested several underage girls, including his own sisters.

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God Strikes Down Pat Robertson For What He Said About Gays,  Hurricanes, 9/11, Haiti, Orphans ...

I didn't realize until I started writing this Wonkette Remembrance that Pat Robertson and I share the same unused first name that John Wayne also didn't use, although I knew about John Wayne of course. Born Marion Gordon Robertson in 1930, the one-time GOP presidential candidate, televangelist, and culture wars hatemonger died today at the age of 93. Maybe he went straight to Heaven, which is a depressing thought, or to hell for all the people he focused rightwing hate on. Or maybe his brain shut down and that was that, which strikes us as most likely, if narratively unsatisfying. So it goes.

As Moms Mabley said of her ex-husband, "I was always taught never to say anything about the dead unless it’s good. He’s dead. Good." (Nope, not Bette Davis speaking of Joan Crawford. Everything you think you know is a lie.)

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Judge Rips Florida Kids' Trans Ban Law Into Pieces, Lights Them On Fire, Shoves Them Down DeSantis's Throat

This afternoon a federal judge in Florida issued an injunction on the enforcement of the state's ban on gender-affirming healthcare for minors. And while the order is limited to a small number of plaintiffs seeking hormone treatments on behalf of their children, it's a scathing indictment of the statute's constitutionality, as well as the cruelty of the politicians who advocated for it.

"The elephant in the room should be noted at the outset. Gender identity is real," writes US District Judge Robert Hinkle, hinting at the "unspoken suggestion running just below the surface in some of the proceedings that led to adoption of the statute and rules at issue—and just below the surface in the testimony of some of the defense experts—is that transgender identity is not real, that it is made up."

But you don't get to ban something, particularly gender-based medical care, based on barely concealed bigotry.

"Any proponent of the challenged statute and rules should put up or shut up: do you acknowledge that there are individuals with actual gender identities opposite their natal sex, or do you not? Dog whistles ought not be tolerated," the court bristles.

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Sorry, Officer, I Spilled 'Swimming Pool' On The Evidence

This is one of those stories we are going to take with a grain of salt and a million droplets of chlorinated water until we read it in an indictment, because it is just too hilarious and weird. Also, just "CNN."

But they are reporting that a "Mar-a-Lago pool flood raises suspicions among prosecutors in Trump classified documents case." Because the swimming pool tried to eat the surveillance tapes, apparently, allegedly, perhaps.

The general outlines are that last October, a Mar-a-Lago employee drained the pool. This flooded the room where they kept the surveillance tapes. No, we don't know how. We don't know if pools these days have buttons that give you an option to flood the house, or what. We're less surprised by the notion that a Donald Trump business could be so janky and creaky that the surveillance tapes would literally be stacked in a room in the basement, fully untethered to the internet.

But that's where the servers were that had the surveillance footage. So.

While it’s unclear if the room was intentionally flooded or if it happened by mistake, the incident occurred amid a series of events that federal prosecutors found suspicious.

OK.

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Trump

Hush Hush, Keep It Down Now, Voices Carry MOTHERFUCKER GONNA GO TO JAIL Y'ALL

Yeah yeah innocent until proven guilty, go wank off somewhere else, Satan.

Oh nothing, just the news.



It is related to Boxes Hoax, many people are saying!

He is doing lots of "truths" right now, and none of them are all caps (mostly), which leads us to believe he has either been sedated or his lawyers or maybe Melania are doing the typing. You know, unless she's on Zillow Gone Wild thinking of all the houses she's gonna buy when fuckface goes to his new house with the bars on the windows.

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fox news

Fox News Not Amused By Tucker's 'Live From The Unabomber's She-Shed' Twitter Show

How much do Fox News hate Tucker? This much.

The other day, for no reason we could tell besides he was lonely (and unemployed), Tucker Carlson turned on the camera in his she-shed and spit Russian propaganda at Twitter for 10 minutes. It was bad and he should feel bad.

And Fox News is mad about it. Wednesday, one day after the Tuesday "Live From The Lesbian Unabomber's Hunting Cabin" broadcast, Fox News's lawyers let him know he was in breach of contract. Is there a SUING in Tucker's future? We don't know, but we think it's pretty funny how much Fox News clearly still hates him and wants him to go fuck a tree stump in hell.

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fox news

Fox News Says Four Out Of Five Doctors Prefer Mellow Taste Of Wildfire Smoke

Wildfire smoke make you strong, go breathe some today!

Unless you have been under a rock, you know that some bad Canadian wildfires have sent smoke clouds to hover over American cities, mostly on the East Coast, and that New York in particular has broken all kinds of records for worst air quality ever. It's nasty. It's dangerous. The entire world looks orange. It looks like something out of Blade Runner. Major League Baseball postponed Yankees and Phillies games.

You know, unless none of that is true because you watch Fox News and Fox News says everything is fine.

If you watched Sean Hannity last night — and face it, some of y'all's Nanas did — you heard that the skies over New York weren't so bad, no big deal, nothing to worry about. Sean Hannity works out a lot and he's fine, so why aren't you fine, you snowflakes? Did you hear about how Sean Hannity works out a lot? He works out a lot. That's why he has those muscles.

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